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I Don't Know What The Long Form Of Ok Is. I Wanna Think It's Okie Dokie. 'i'm Okie Dokie. I'm A Little Shaken Up, But I'm Okie Dokie.' 'the Good News Is, She's Okie Dokie. The Surgery Went Fine.'

-Demetri Martin

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I Don't Know What

Demetri Martin

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I Don't Know What The Long Form Of Ok Is. I Wanna Think It's Okie Dokie. 'i'm Okie Dokie. I'm A Little Shaken Up, But I'm Okie Dokie.' 'the Good News Is, She's Okie Dokie. The Surgery Went Fine.'

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I Would Like A Ship For The Hips, Please. Ships And Hips. Hipsters To Stir With Their Hips On The Hip Ships. And, Of Course, Hips. Yeah, Hip. That's Me. I Also Like Sips. I'm A Slow Drinker. A Sipster. I'm A Sipster Hipster Comedian. Yeah, Sips. But More Hips. Hip, Hipster, Hip Star, Hiptard. Definitely.

I Just Know Keeping Track Of What I'm Doing And Where I'm Going Is Important To Me.

A Lot Of People Like Lollipops. I Don't Like Lollipops. To Me, A Lollipop Is Hard Candy Plus Garbage. I Don't Need A Handle. Just Give Me The Candy.

If I Have To Move Up In A Building, I Choose The Elevator Over The Escalator. Because One Time I Was Riding The Escalator And I Tripped. I Fell Down The Stairs For An Hour And A Half.

I Am A Man Of My Word… And That Word Is “unreliable.

I Have A Jar At Home, And I Put Pennies In It Whenever I Curse. The Other Day I Spilled The Jar. I Owe It About $25.

I Think It Would Be Worse To Get Mauled By A Dancing Bear Than Just A Regular Bear Because You Can't Totally Blame The Dancing Bear.

A Human Head Looks The Least Scary When It Is Attached.

If I Make My Window Ten Days For Stand-up, The Conclusion Is That I Failed And That I'm Not Good At Stand-up. If I Make It Ten Years - If I Just Wait - The Conclusion Might Be Something Totally Different. I Think It's So Cool To Do Things In Which You Discover The Malleability Of Your Own Mind.

I Travel Alone So Much, And The First Thought Is To Grab The Damn Phone. In Airports, Just Look Around. Nobody Looks At Anybody, Or Even Out The Window. It's Obvious We Can't Live Without It Anymore, And As A Comic On The Road The Phone Is An Essential Tool. It's Probably Doing More Good Than Bad For Me, But It Does Make Me Sad That Those Of Us Who Grew Up Without Mobile Phones, We Know What We're Missing.

Do You Have Any Greek In You? That Was Just A Tactful Way Of Asking If You're Pregnant. If You're Not, Then Let's Break Up.

If I Were Blind, I'd Wear A Blindfold All The Time.

The Best Way To Make Somebody Feel Important Is To Try To Assassinate Them.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks. By The Fourth Week, I Found It Tedious. I Got Bored And Grew Restless. I Had No Other Plan For A Job, Because From Seventh Grade On, I Had Planned On Law. So I Shifted My Focus From Classes To Extracurricular Activities.

I Like Birthdays. Every Time Someone Is Born, That's Just Like Bringing More Cake Into The World.

Don't Forget To Turn Your Clocks Back Today If You Don't Want Your Clocks To Be Set To The Right Time.

I Thought I Would, You Know, Go To College, Get To Law School, Finish, And Then Get A Job And Work As A Lawyer, But That Proved To Be Not A Good Fit For Me.

It Turns Out Dentists Don't Like It Very Much When You Show Up For A Cleaning In Full Vampire Gear.

I Think Bears And Worms Aren't Very Similar... Until You Think Of Gummy.

I Was A Good Student When I Was A Kid, And I Did Everything I Was Supposed To Do, And I Got A's.

Employee Of The Month Is A Good Example Of How Somebody Can Be Both A Winner And A Loser At The Same Time.

If You Want To Feel Less Sexy Put Scotch Tape On Your Nipples.

I Think A Lot Of People Who Watch Tv Don't Realize When They're Watch Tv Shows And It Says 'produced By' And Producer, Producer... There Are All These Producers. What The Hell Does A Producer Do? It's Funny How Much You Have To Worry About As A Producer.

I Think A Bad Place For A Fire Would Be The Factory Where They Make Those Trick Candles.

Sometimes Heckling Can Almost Help A Set, Because It Ratchets Up The Tension In The Room... Can Even Bring Things To A Climax.

I Always Wanted To Do A Movie, Because I Love The Movies. They Give You A Chance To Have An Intimacy With Your Audience That Is Different From Stand Up. With Movies, You Can Bring The Audience In With A Close Up, And Emote In A Different Way.

A Straw Enables You To Drink Without Using Your Wrist. A Straw Is Your Friend - Until You Lose Eye Contact With The Straw. Then It Will Betray You And Make You Look Like An Idiot.

I Like To Use 'i Can't Believe It's Not Butter' On My Toast In The Morning, Because Sometimes When I Eat Breakfast, I Like To Be Incredulous. How Was Breakfast? Unbelievable.

When I Used To Go On The Wikipedia Page, And I Haven't Gone On The Page In A While, There Used To Be Some Guy Who Was Doing My Page And He Would Say That He Was My Cousin And I Was Going To Be Doing Projects With Him. I Don't Know Who This Person Is And I Don't Have A Cousin By This Name And This Person Keeps Saying That They're Doing Projects With Me. It's So Weird.

The Planets. Now Footnote, I'm Including Pluto In The Planets, Because I Think It's Terrible What They Did To Pluto. And It's Still A Planet To Me. I Grew Up With Pluto As A Planet, It Will Always Be A Planet.

I'm Afraid Of Sharks - But Only In A Water Situation.

I Like Fruit Baskets Because It Gives You The Ability To Mail Someone A Piece Of Fruit Without Appearing Insane. Like, If Someone Just Mailed You An Apple You'd Be Like, 'huh? What The Hell Is This?' But If It's In A Fruit Basket You're Like, 'this Is Nice!'

Canoe + Waterfall = I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

Usually My Favorite Joke Is Whichever Joke I Most Recently Came Up With That Surprised Me The First Time I Thought Of It.

I Wonder If There Were Any Goths In Gothic Times. They're Like: You Look Completely Appropriate. You Don't Look Stupid Or Lonely At All.

If Someone Throws A Pie At Your Face, Just Open Your Mouth Really Wide And Say, 'thanks For Feeding Me, A**hole.'

A Lot Of Things Look Cooler In Slow Motion. Eating Isn't One Of Them.

Our Times, A Brief History: As Televisions Became Flatter, People Became Rounder.

It Seems That Man's Greatest Natural Enemy Is The Target.

A Jerk On A Motorcycle Is Equal To A Leaf, Because I Find It Beautiful When These Things Fall.

It's Not Enough To Say I'm Sorry. You Have To Also Mean It. It's The Same With Saying I'm Single.

Most Stick People Are Black.

The Reason You Often Get In Comedy Is Because You're Not Getting Laid.

Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

I Didn't Play Music, Nobody In My Family Had An Instrument Or Played Music, We Didn't Even Have Any Books At My House. I Think About It And I'm Like, I Don't Know How I Climbed Out Of There.

I Noticed That There Are No B Batteries. I Think That's To Avoid Confusion, Cause If There Were You Wouldn't Know If Someone Was Stuttering. 'yes, Hello I'd Like Some B-batteries.' 'what Kind?' 'b-batteries.' 'what Kind?' 'b-batteries!' And D-batteries That's Hard For Foreigners. 'yes, I Would Like De Batteries.'

There Is A Small, But Important, Difference Between Peeing In The Pool, And Peeing Into The Pool.

I Wanna Design A Video Game Where You'd Have To Take Care Of All The People Shot In All The Other Video Games.

Cotton Candy Is The Perfect Snack For When I'm In The Mood To Eat Dry, Scratchy Fabric.

The Easiest Time To Add Insult To Injury Is When You're Signing Somebody's Cast.

Insult To Injury

History, Like Wallpaper, Repeats Itself And Can Also Make A Room Look Old-fashioned.

The Shortest Distance Between Two Idiots Is A Conga Line.

If You Happen To Catch On Fire During The Show, Do Not Panic Or Wave Your Arms Around Or Scream Or We Wil Give Something To Panic And Wave You Arms Around And Scream About.

Canoe Plus Waterfall Equals I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

When Someone Shows You A Picture Of Their Kids What They Don't Want To Hear Is Oh, Yeah, I Got Pictures Of Your Kid Too.

It's Thursday And It Really Feels Like A Thursday. Sometimes Things Just Work Out.

Stand-up Is Like A Row Boat: It's Fun And Romantic When You're Choosing To Do It. But If You Have No Other Choice Than To Be In A Row Boat It's Not As Enjoyable; That's Survival.

I Was Stuck In Traffic And I Looked In The Mirror And In The Car Behind Me There Was A Couple Having A Horrible Argument And Right Below Their Image It Said "objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I Just Thought, Man I Hope So Because She Was Pretty Mad.

I Think Statues Are Great; They Show What Great People Would Look Like If A Bird Sh*t All Over Them.

100% Of The People Who Give 110% Do Not Understand Math.

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Socrates Became A Trendsetter. Other Philosophers, Including Plato And Aristotle And Gus, Quickly Followed Suit, Dropping Their Last Names Too. And, For Centuries After That There Would Be Countless Imitators Including Oltaire, Michelangelo, And, Much Later, Cher.

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My Friend Asked Me I Ever Swam With Dolphins. I Was Like, 'yeah, Of Course. What Distance Are We Talking About From The Dolphins? Because The Last Time I Was In The Ocean, I'm Pretty Sure I Swam With Most Of Them.'

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Everything I Ever Learned I Was Told By Someone Else.

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Whenever I See An Autobiography For Sale In The Book Store I Just Flip To The About The Author Section. I'm Like, "done, Next!"

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Whenever I Investigate A Smell, I Find That The Answer Is Always Bad. It's Never: 'what Is That? *sniff* Muffins!'

Drunken Behavior Will Not Be Tolerated, Except By Those Who Are Being Hilarious.

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Overheard Today In Restaurant: Can You Stop Listening To Our Conversation?

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I Find That A Shirt Is Most Similar To A Napkin When I Don't Have A Napkin.

If You Want To Dry Hump Someone You Don't Know, Just Act Like They Were Choking.

To Make Even Fewer Friends Try Talking About Politics As Much As You Talk About Yourself.

A Large Portion Of The Earth's Land Area Is Taken Up By Old Varsity Jackets.

When I Am Given A Multiple Choice Test I Choose Not To Take It.

Multiple Choice

It's Always Helpful To Remember That In The Grand Scheme Of Things You Are Much More Important Than... Um, Wait, Than... Something, Maybe.

Knights Would Have Probably Liked Refrigerator Magnets.

I Never Give Anyone Just One Congratulation. Congratulations Are Always Plural. They Are Similar To Grapes.

Congratulations

Separate But Equal Is Terrible For Education But It's Perfect For Eyebrows.

I Wanna Make A Jigsaw Puzzle That's 40,000 Pieces. And When You Finish It, It Says 'go Outside.'

Once I Started To Look I Finally Began To See.

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And As Far As Actors Go, Peter Sellers Is My All-time Favorite.

As Soon As I Jumped Out Of The Airplane, I Realized I Had Forgotten My Parachute. Thank God We Were Still On The Runway.

And My Only Rule Being If When I Wake In The Morning I'm Looking Forward To The Things That I Have To Do That Day, Then I'm On The Right Track.

Looking Forward

The Problem With Most People, Is That They Are Most People.

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It's Not The Size Of The Dog In The Fight, It's The Size Of The Dog's Owner - And The Distance You Are From Your Car.

A Dreamcatcher Works, If Your Dream Is To Be Gay.

The Boomerang Is Australia's Chief Export (and Then Import).

I'm So Secretive That When Someone Asks Me, Hey, Can You Keep A Secret? I Say That's None Of Your Business.

None Of Your Business

A Good Name For A Gang Would Be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I Am Sometimes Referred To As Excuse Me In An Annoyed Tone Of Voice, Because Apparently I Am In The Way. I Am So Sorry. I Am Supposed To Be Some Sort Of Mind Reader, I Guess. I Am Moving Out Of The Way Now As Slowly As I Possibly Can. I Am Doing This And There's Nothing You Can Do About It.

I Wonder What The Most Intelligent Thing Ever Said Was That Started With The Word 'dude.' 'dude, These Are Isotopes.' 'dude, We Removed Your Kidney. You're Gonna Be Fine.' 'dude, I Am So Stoked To Win This Nobel Prize. I Just Wanna Thank Kevin, And Turtle, And All My Homies.'

I Care About Politics, But I Have A Tough Time Making Comedy Out Of It. I Was So Happy To Have A Chance To Be On The Daily Show, And I Think Jon Stewart's So Funny... But Mostly In My Own Comedy, I Care About Less Relevant Things.

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

My Credit Card Company Says I Have An Outstanding Balance. I'm Flattered.

I've Met A Few People Who Were Passive-aggressive, But I've Never Met Anyone Who Was Aggressive-passive. I Don't Want Tacos! Maybe.

I Know About Woodstock Probably As Much As Your Average Person Who Is Over 30, Where I'd Know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I Have An Air Mattress. It's Great Because If Someone Tries To Suffocate Me In Bed I Can Just Poke A Hole In It And Use It To Stay Alive.

I'm A Body Builder, But I Don't Use Weights. I Use Snacks. It's Kind Of A Different Building Process.

The Sofa Is The Enemy Of Productivity.

I Was On The Train The Other Day, And I Heard Somebody Say, I'm Really Good At Checkers. That's The Same Thing As Saying, I'm Not Good At Very Many Things.

I Think One Of The Most Groundbreaking Inventions Of All Time Is The Jackhammer.

It's Hard To Know What's Gay In Life. Boxing. That's Two Men Fighting Over A Belt.

You Know What's The Greatest Part Of Anything Ever In The History Of Everything? Exaggeration. No, Wait; It's Correcting Yourself. No, Better Yet, It's Making Lists.

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They Say It's Lonely At The Top. It Must Be Even Lonelier At The Tippy Top.

Lonely At The Top

I Got Into Stand Up Just To Do Stand Up Because I Love Stand Up.

The Clothes Make The Man. The Children Working In Sweatshops Make The Clothes. Therefore, The Children Working In Sweatshops Make The Man.

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If Only Loud People Were Even Half As Interesting As They Think They Are.

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I Remember When I Used To Be Really Into Nostalgia.

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The Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack Is During A Game Of Charades.

Count Your Blessings, But Not Out-loud, At The Top Of Your Lungs.

Count Your Blessings

When I'm Buying Car Insurance I Ask Myself, 'which Company Has The Most Annoying And Relentless Commercials?'

I Like Video Games, But They're Really Violent. I'd Like To Play A Video Game Where You Help The People Who Were Shot In All The Other Games. It'd Be Called 'really Busy Hospital.

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I Want To Launch A Globe Into Space Just To Mess With The Astronauts.

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I Used To Play Sports. Then I Realized You Can Buy Trophies. Now I Am Good At Everything.

When I Am Holding A Water Balloon, So Many Things Look So Unnecessarily Dry.

I'm Very Hip-oriented. I Focus On Hips In My Comedy - Probably More Than Any Other Hipster Comic Who Is Out There Hipping Today. My Hips, Other Hips. I Work With My Hips A Great Deal. That Is What I Do. But Not In A Gay Way.

I Am Bravery. I Am Courage. I Am Valor. I Am Daring. I Am Holding A Thesaurus.

If You Have A Lip Ring Try Hanging Some Tiny Keys From It. This Will Make You Look Even More Interesting.

I Wonder How They Deal With Mice At Disney World.

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I Am What I Eat. And I Am This Especially When I Bite My Nails.

I Love Buster Keaton And I Love Physical Comedy When It's Done In An Emotionally Understated Way. I Just Like To Play It, And I Need The Attention.

There Is No I In Team, Unless You Count The Vertical Part Of The T.

There Is No I In Team

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To Some I Am Known As Chief. And These Are Usually People Who Work In Radio Shack Or Try To Sell Me Shoes. To Others I Am Known As Buddy. These Are People Who Dwell In Bars And Wonder If I’ve Got A Problem Or What It Is That I Am “looking At.” And To Still Others, Who Are In That Same Bar, Standing Just Off To The Side, I Am “get Him!"

Parades Are Man's Attempt To Make Traffic Exciting.

When I Was Younger, I'd Get Very Empirical With Myself. "i Have A Hypothesis About Myself. I'll Put Myself In A Situation, See What Happens, Then I'll Draw A Conclusion Based On The Empirical Evidence. Hypothesis: I Can Play Basketball." So I'd Try. "conclusion: I Cannot Play Basketball."

I Think, At First Blush, The '60s Always Enticed Me. There's Something About The '60s, It's Not Hard To Like It.

Whenever I Throw Caution To The Wind I Make Sure I'm Facing The Right Way So That It Doesn't Blow Back And Hit Me In My Face.

Turtles Are Greater Than Baby Nephews, Because It's Ok To Drop A Turtle.

I Still Like Paper Books. Like, Book Is A Flammable Object. After You Read It, You Could Use It To Get Warm. Or It Could Become A Pile Of Napkins.

Sometimes It Looks Like I'm Dancing, But It's Just That I Walked Into A Spider Web.

When They Were Naming Vitamins They Must Have Thought There Were Going To Be Way More Vitamins Than There Ended Up Being. Ok Let's Name These: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok Man Slow Down We've Got A Lot To Cover Here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then They Got To E And They Were Like 'we're Pretty Much Done. We've Got All Those Damn B's. This Is Embarrassing. Let's Just Skip To K And Get The Hell Out Of Here.

I Don't Have To Kill Myself, Time Is Going To Do That.

It Would Be Interesting If Elvis Were Reincarnated As An Elvis Impersonator.

Man Is The Most Powerful Creature On The Planet. And We're Arrogant. I Mean, People Own Birds. It's Like, There's A Creature With The Gift Of Flight. I Want It. I'm Going To Put It In My Kitchen And Make It Crap On Old Information.

I Do Come Across People Who Don't Like Me, Don't Like My Comedy, Don't Think It's Funny, It's Too Cutesy, Or Whatever They Hate. And It's Like, "okay. That's Your Opinion. Somebody Liked It, So That's Good." Hopefully It Balances Out.

The Other Night I Was Playing Twister With Some Amputees.

When I Was A Kid, I Always Wanted To Live In California Because I Liked Skateboarding.

I Need To Develop Some Patience - Immediately.

I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

I Hate Seeing People That Look Like You. Especially If God's Living By The Motto 'if At First You Don't Succeed.'

I Have A Time Machine At Home. It Only Goes Forward At Regular Speed

The Earth Without Art Is Just Eh.

They Should Call Fishing What It Really Is... Tricking And Killing!

I Can Tell How Lonely I Am By How Easily I'm Fooled By A Mannequin In A Store.

I Don't Usually Fly In First Class, But I Fart In First Class.

When You're Wearing An Animal Costume And Something Bad Happens, Your Facial Expression Doesn't Change. The Animal Is Deadpan The Whole Time. If You're Skiing In A Gorilla Suit And You Fall, You Just See A Gorilla Who Has No Emotion. It's Just A Stoic Gorilla, Wildly Falling Down A Hill, Out Of Control.

How Many Of You Are Creative? I Don't Know, But For Me, When You Make A Bunch Of Things Over Time And Then You Keep Them... You Forget. I Look Through My Sketchbooks And I'm An Audience For Myself.

I've Learned Something On The Road, Traveling Around: State Shapes. The Easier It Is To Draw The Shape Of The State, The Harder It Is To Live In That State. So, If You Live In A Regular Polygon, Get The Hell Outta There. You Gotta Move To A Squiggly Area. Culture's Attracted To Squiggles.

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