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Another Thing That I Like And That's Fun For Me Is To Try And Talk And Play Music At The Same Time, Because I Feel Like I'm Learning Something. There Are These Little Challenges Built Into It; It's A Way To Push Myself A Little Bit More As A Performer.

-Demetri Martin

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Another Thing That I

Demetri Martin

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Another Thing That I Like And That's Fun For Me Is To Try And Talk And Play Music At The Same Time, Because I Feel Like I'm Learning Something. There Are These Little Challenges Built Into It; It's A Way To Push Myself A Little Bit More As A Performer.

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When Telling A Story About How Wasted You Were Last Night, Stop.

I Got Some New Pajamas With Pockets In 'em. Which Is Great, Because Before That, I Used To Have To Hold Stuff When I Slept. But Now I'm Like, 'where's My Planner? There It Is. "keep Sleeping." All Right, Perfect.'

Checkers Taught Me That A King Is A Man With Another Man On Top Of Him. But Life Taught Me That That's Actually Called A Queen.

A Human Head Looks The Least Scary When It Is Attached.

If You Stretched The Average Person's Intestines Out From End To End, It Would Make Them Scream A Lot.

My Friend Named His Car. And I Don't Want To Be Judgemental, But... What A Dork.

I Believe In Empathy. When Religion Provides That For People, It's The Best Thing In The World.

It's Not Enough To Say I'm Sorry. You Have To Also Mean It. It's The Same With Saying I'm Single.

I Think They Should Put Pies On The Fronts Of Trains, So That When They Hit Something It's At Least A Little Bit Funny.

If I Had A Bookstore I Would Make All The Mystery Novels Hard To Find.

When Watering Your Plants, Try To Talk To Them - Say Something Like, Hold It Right There And Then Shoot Them With Water Gun.

I Don't Think I Ever Wrote A Song. I Can Write A Lot Of Jokes, But When I Try To Write Lyrics They're The Most Direct, Non-figurative Words, Like, 'i Like You, I Like You,'... And That's It, For The Whole Song. People Would Go, 'ooh, This Guy's Dylan Or Something.' It Gives Me A Lot More Respect For Songwriters, Actually.

I Wish My Name Started With A Comma. That Would Be So Dramatic.

Fire Truck With Back End On Fire Drives Really Fast In Circles.

Now I Got A Time Machine At Home. It Only Goes Foreword At Regular Speed. It's Essentially A Cardboard Box And On The Outside I Wrote Time Machine In Sharpie.

I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

The Thing About Glitter Is If You Get It On You, Be Prepared To Have It On You Forever. Because Glitter Doesn't Go Away. Glitter Is The Herpes Of Craft Supplies.

A Power Nap, Is When You Sleep On Someone Who's Weaker Than You

I Never Set Out To Do A Sketch Show.

My Family Was Fine, It's Just A Different Way Of Going About Life. Creativity Was Not Something That Was Isolated And Identified And Valued.

Man Versus Woman Equals Fun. Man Versus Man Equals Gay. Woman Versus Woman Equals Awesome. Man Versus Pillow Equals Crazy. Pillow Versus Pillow Equals Crazy Awesome - That's A Real Pillow Fight Right There. You See Two Pillows Fighting, You Know Something's Going Down. They're Designed For Relaxation. If They're Fighting, What Hope Do We Have? One Time I Saw Two Geese Fighting, And I Was Like, 'this Is A Pillow Fight Ahead Of Time.

Whenever I'm On My Computer, I Don't Type 'lol'. I Type 'lqtm' - Laugh Quietly To Myself. It's More Honest.

Your Mind Is Like A Sponge, In The Sense That It Would Come In Handy When Cleaning Off A Countertop Or Something Like That.

Sometimes It Looks Like I'm Dancing, But It's Just That I Walked Into A Spider Web.

When I Used To Go On The Wikipedia Page, And I Haven't Gone On The Page In A While, There Used To Be Some Guy Who Was Doing My Page And He Would Say That He Was My Cousin And I Was Going To Be Doing Projects With Him. I Don't Know Who This Person Is And I Don't Have A Cousin By This Name And This Person Keeps Saying That They're Doing Projects With Me. It's So Weird.

I Travel Alone So Much, And The First Thought Is To Grab The Damn Phone. In Airports, Just Look Around. Nobody Looks At Anybody, Or Even Out The Window. It's Obvious We Can't Live Without It Anymore, And As A Comic On The Road The Phone Is An Essential Tool. It's Probably Doing More Good Than Bad For Me, But It Does Make Me Sad That Those Of Us Who Grew Up Without Mobile Phones, We Know What We're Missing.

The Sofa Is The Enemy Of Productivity.

I Don't Usually Fly In First Class, But I Fart In First Class.

As A Creative Person, You Want To Have A Foothold And Sense Of Progress.

I Wonder If There Were Any Goths In Gothic Times. They're Like: You Look Completely Appropriate. You Don't Look Stupid Or Lonely At All.

For Some Reason Cowboy Sounds Better Than Cowman.

The Pursuit Of Happiness: It Sure Seems To Like A Good Chase, Doesn't It?

Pursuit Of Happiness

I Like To Go To Concerts Because I Love To See My Favorite Band Through The Phone Of The Asshole Who's Standing In Front Of Me.

But What I Was Going To Say Was, I Just Figured I'm Going To Go Boldly In The Direction Of My Dreams, Say It As Thoreau Would Say, And Just See Where It Takes Me.

Leave No Stone Unturned In Your Quest To Disrupt A Rock Garden.

A Large Portion Of The Earth's Land Area Is Taken Up By Old Varsity Jackets.

I Bought A Dictionary. First Thing I Did Was, I Looked Up The Word "dictionary", And It Said "you're An Asshole".

When I Was Younger, I'd Get Very Empirical With Myself. "i Have A Hypothesis About Myself. I'll Put Myself In A Situation, See What Happens, Then I'll Draw A Conclusion Based On The Empirical Evidence. Hypothesis: I Can Play Basketball." So I'd Try. "conclusion: I Cannot Play Basketball."

I Was Making Pancakes The Other Day And A Fly Flew Into The Kitchen. And That's When I Realized That A Spatula Is A Lot Like A Fly-swatter. And A Crushed Fly Is A Lot Like A Blueberry. And A Roommate Is A Lot Like A Fly Eater.

Never Forget Where You Came From. That's What I Think When I Walk Into A Cave.

A Dreamcatcher Works, If Your Dream Is To Be Gay.

I'm Not A Lawmaker, But I Was Thinking That If You Have A Really Loud Ring Tone, Maybe You Should Be Stabbed In The Ear?

A Lot Of People Like Lollipops. I Don't Like Lollipops. To Me, A Lollipop Is Hard Candy Plus Garbage. I Don't Need A Handle. Just Give Me The Candy.

Hot Potato Is A Very Different Game When The People Playing Are Starving.

Thing To Try: If You Are Asked To Describe A Suspect To A Police Sketch Artist, Describe In Precise Detail, The Features Of The Police Sketch Artist. This Is One Of The Rare Instances Where Two People Can Do One Self-portrait.

I Am A Comedian But It's Usually Not A Compliment To Be Called A Prop Comedian But I Guess I Sometimes Use Props. And I Always Confuse Humorist With Comedian. That's Strange.

They Say It's Lonely At The Top. It Must Be Even Lonelier At The Tippy Top.

Lonely At The Top

Villains Fear Me Because I Am Unpredictable And Broccoli. See What I Mean?

I Can Always Tell How Stupid Someone Is By How Certain They Are About What They're Saying.

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I Would Like A Ship For The Hips, Please. Ships And Hips. Hipsters To Stir With Their Hips On The Hip Ships. And, Of Course, Hips. Yeah, Hip. That's Me. I Also Like Sips. I'm A Slow Drinker. A Sipster. I'm A Sipster Hipster Comedian. Yeah, Sips. But More Hips. Hip, Hipster, Hip Star, Hiptard. Definitely.

Cottonballs Are An Example Of Something I'd Want To Buy, But Not Have As A Nickname.

I Don't Want To Be My Own Boss. I Want To Be My Own Colleague.

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It Is Impossible For A Cyclops To Wink.

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I Wanna Put Stickers On Turtles... I Don't Know Why.

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I Like Fruit Baskets Because It Gives You The Ability To Mail Someone A Piece Of Fruit Without Appearing Insane. Like, If Someone Just Mailed You An Apple You'd Be Like, 'huh? What The Hell Is This?' But If It's In A Fruit Basket You're Like, 'this Is Nice!'

I've Heard Of Many Chocoholics, But I Ain't Never Seen No "chocohol". We Got An Epidemic, People: People Who Like Chocolate But Don't Understand Word Endings. They're Probably "over-workaholled".

I Wonder What The Most Intelligent Thing Ever Said Was That Started With The Word 'dude.' 'dude, These Are Isotopes.' 'dude, We Removed Your Kidney. You're Gonna Be Fine.' 'dude, I Am So Stoked To Win This Nobel Prize. I Just Wanna Thank Kevin, And Turtle, And All My Homies.'

I Like To Use 'i Can't Believe It's Not Butter' On My Toast In The Morning, Because Sometimes When I Eat Breakfast, I Like To Be Incredulous. How Was Breakfast? Unbelievable.

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I Love Having An Open Seat Next To Me On The Train. What's Even Better Is When My Seat Is Open Too Because I Just Stayed Home.

When Someone Shows You A Picture Of Their Kids What They Don't Want To Hear Is Oh, Yeah, I Got Pictures Of Your Kid Too.

Someday I Will Tell My Grandchildren That I Lived In The Era When Ok Was Abbreviated To K.

Reality Is A Concept That Depends Largely Upon Where You Point Your Face.

Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

Small Businesses Are Important, But So Are Tiny Businesses.

The Reason You Often Get In Comedy Is Because You're Not Getting Laid.

Cotton Balls Is An Example Of Something I Would Buy, But Not Want To Have As A Nickname. Cinnamon Buns, On The Other Hand, Is Something I Would Buy And Want To Have As A Nickname. 'are You Cinnamon Buns?' 'you Bet Your Sweet Ass I Am.'

I Like Parties, But I Don't Like Piñatas Because The Pinata Promotes Violence Against Flamboyant Animals. Hey, There's A Donkey With Some Pizzazz. Let's Kick Its Ass.

I Am Completely Attracted To The Idea Of Simplicity, Or At Least Removing Things That Seem Unnecessary When Trying To Get An Idea Out There.

Sometimes I Like To Go Outside Without Even Checking The Weather First.

Yes, Okay, It's Cool To Be Quirky, Maybe, On The Side. Do Some Puzzles, Make Puzzles, Whatever, Learn How To Ride A Unicycle. That's Cool When It's On The Side And You Have A Plan. What Happens When You Remove The Plan? What You're Left With Is A Guy Who Likes To Do Anagrams. And Doesn't Have A Job... Sweet, That's A Catch.

If I Have To Move Up In A Building, I Choose The Elevator Over The Escalator. Because One Time I Was Riding The Escalator And I Tripped. I Fell Down The Stairs For An Hour And A Half.

The Planets. Now Footnote, I'm Including Pluto In The Planets, Because I Think It's Terrible What They Did To Pluto. And It's Still A Planet To Me. I Grew Up With Pluto As A Planet, It Will Always Be A Planet.

When There's Someone Who's Dead And Then Someone Does Something That That Person Would Not Have Liked, They Say That That Person Is Spinning In Their Grave. But I Don't Understand Why They Say That. Why Is Spinning The Way That A Corpse Shows Disapproval?

I Wanna Design A Video Game Where You'd Have To Take Care Of All The People Shot In All The Other Video Games.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks.

I Like When People Wear A Wwjd Bracelet, Because It's Like An Example Of The First Thing Jesus Wouldn't Do, Probably.

When I First Heard The Term 'training Bra,' I Was Freaked Out. I Was Pretty Young And I Said, 'did You Just Say Training Bra? They're Training Their Chests? I Had No Idea.' See Some Lady, Her Boobs Are Everywhere. 'what's Her Deal?' Those Are Untrained Titties.

At Any Minute, I Am Four Minutes From A Poncho.

I Think They Named The Orange Before The Carrot.

A Refrigerator Is The Opposite Of A Drug Addict, Because A Refrigerator Starts In A Box And Then Moves To A House.

I Wrapped My Christmas Presents Early This Year, But I Used The Wrong Paper. See, The Paper I Used Said 'happy Birthday' On It. I Didn't Want To Waste It So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

A Lot Of Things Look Cooler In Slow Motion. Eating Isn't One Of Them.

If Someone Throws A Pie At Your Face, Just Open Your Mouth Really Wide And Say, 'thanks For Feeding Me, A**hole.'

This Is A Pie Chart About Procrastination.

Procrastination

I Live In New York And There Are A Lot Of Famous... Pizzerias In My Neighborhood, It's Really Hard To Find One That Isn't Famous. Which Sucks Sometimes, You Know What I Mean, Sometimes I Don't Want All That Glitz And Glamour, I Just Want Something Delicious, You Know? I Don't Need A Celebrity In My Mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza Would Be Fine.

You Mock Those Who Blindly Follow The Majority...turn Your Attention Now To Those Who Are So Dedicated To Deviating From The Norm That They Would Gladly Cease Breathing If It Were Suggested To Them That Inhalation Was A Form Of Conformity; For They Deserve Just As Much Scrutiny And Ridicule.

'dammit I'm Mad' Is 'dammit I'm Mad' Spelled Backwards.

When I Dropped Out [from A Law School], Everybody Was Disappointed... But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom. Before That, I Never Realized How Much I Sought Other People's Approval. Once I Figured That Out, I Was Free To Move On And Seek The Approval Of Other People, In Comedy Clubs And Showbiz Meetings.

I Love Steven Wright. I Was In High School In The '80s, And There Was A Lot Of Stand Up On Television.

Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

It's Very Easy To Go Through Your Whole Life And Never Really Get Anything Done Or Have Any Real Meaningful Interactions Or Relationships. All Of A Sudden You're Dead, And I'm Going To Say That's Got To Be A Letdown.

I'm Afraid Of Sharks - But Only In A Water Situation.

When I Was A Kid, I Always Wanted To Live In California Because I Liked Skateboarding.

I Just Found Out That I Have More Allies Than America!

I Am What I Eat. And I Am This Especially When I Bite My Nails.

Have A Great Day. Note: Does Not Apply To My Enemies.

Have A Great Day

Specifically In Stand-up, I Love Jokes. I Love Short, Structured Ideas And A Punchline.

When Someone Describes Themself As A Taxpayer, They're About To Be An Asshole.

I Think Since I Was Kid People Told Me That They Thought I Was Funny.

I Was Student Council President In High School, And Even In Law School, I Was Vice-president Of The Student Bar Association.

It Would Be Nice If People Said, God Bless You Not Just When You Sneezed But Also When You Farted.

Stand-up Is Like A Row Boat: It's Fun And Romantic When You're Choosing To Do It. But If You Have No Other Choice Than To Be In A Row Boat It's Not As Enjoyable; That's Survival.

I'm A Producer On My Show, Which Is Great, But It's Also Kind Of A Mixed Blessing Because There's So Much Responsibility. Everything Is A Decision. You Have To Worry About The Money, You Have To Worry About Daylight, Who We're Going To Cast And If This Location Doesn't Work Out, What Are We Going To Do?

If I Make My Window Ten Days For Stand-up, The Conclusion Is That I Failed And That I'm Not Good At Stand-up. If I Make It Ten Years - If I Just Wait - The Conclusion Might Be Something Totally Different. I Think It's So Cool To Do Things In Which You Discover The Malleability Of Your Own Mind.

Surprise Parties Are Strange 'cause People Jump Up And They Yell The Word, 'surprise' At The Party. I Came Home And You Emerged From My Furniture. You Don't Have To Tell Me How To Feel. I Don't Need A Hint.

History, Like Wallpaper, Repeats Itself And Can Also Make A Room Look Old-fashioned.

I Think As A Performer, It Can Be Really Great To Stand On Stage, Especially When You Have More Time, But I Do Think About The Specific People In The Audience, How It's Hard For Them To Get Up And Go To The Bathroom, How They Chose Not To Do Other Things That Night And Have Turned Off Their Phones And Everything. So For That Reason, I Think It's Necessary To Mix It Up And Talk To The Audience.

I Wanna Buy A Bunch Of Hermit Crabs And Make Them Live Together.

I'm Always Excited To Try Something I Haven't Done.

There Are Two Kinds Of Jackets - Reversible, And Reversible But It's Hard To Zipper Up And It Looks Really Stupid.

You Need An Audience To Help You Figure Out What's Working And What's Worth Putting On Your Album Or Your Special - Or Even Just What's Worth Touring With.

I Went Whale Watching Once. It Was Very Similar To Watching People On A Boat Become Disappointed.

There Are Very Few Songs About Just Liking Someone As A Friend.

I Go The Gym And I Try To Run On The Treadmill And I Listen To Music But It Doesn't Motivate Me Enough. So I'm Going To Get A Recording Of A Pack Of Wolves Gaining On Me. People Would Be Like, 'why Is That Guy Crying On That Treadmill Over There?' 'i Don't Know, But He's Been Yelling, 'help' For Like 20 Minutes. He's Getting A Good Workout.

Another Thing That I Like And That's Fun For Me Is To Try And Talk And Play Music At The Same Time, Because I Feel Like I'm Learning Something. There Are These Little Challenges Built Into It; It's A Way To Push Myself A Little Bit More As A Performer.

Yes" Actually Means "no" 100% Of The Time, When The Question Is "can I Give You Some Advice?

When A Dalmatian Sees A Cow He Must Be Like, 'what The Hell Happened To Him? I Am High Right Now. That Dalmatian Is Fat And Smeary.' When The Cow Sees The Dalmatian He Must Be Like, 'he Looks Amazing. I Am So Out Of Shape, This Is Ridiculous. My Tits Are On The Ground Here.

Like A Lot Of People, I’ve Always Enjoyed Commenting On Strangers’ Outfits. Unlike A Lot Of People, I Now Had A New Megaphone To Do It With. And, Let Me Tell You, Commenting On People’s Hilarious Clothing Choices Through A Megaphone Makes It So Much Better.

Socrates Became A Trendsetter. Other Philosophers, Including Plato And Aristotle And Gus, Quickly Followed Suit, Dropping Their Last Names Too. And, For Centuries After That There Would Be Countless Imitators Including Oltaire, Michelangelo, And, Much Later, Cher.

I Noticed That There Are No B Batteries. I Think That's To Avoid Confusion, Cause If There Were You Wouldn't Know If Someone Was Stuttering. 'yes, Hello I'd Like Some B-batteries.' 'what Kind?' 'b-batteries.' 'what Kind?' 'b-batteries!' And D-batteries That's Hard For Foreigners. 'yes, I Would Like De Batteries.'

I've Never Read An Article Of Clothing.

It's Interesting To Be An Adult And To Have That Level Of Ignorance About Something, Because The Nice Part About Is You Get That Discovery. The Learning Curve Is So Rich And Steep.

I Have An Erratic Drummer For Anybody Who's Just Listening To This, He Can Keep Time, But Just In Spurts.

Batteries Are The Most Dramatic Object. Other Things Stop Working Or They Break, But Batteries... They Die.

Mosquito Bites Jesus, Receives Communion.

I Wonder If It's Rude For A Deaf Person To Talk With Food In Their Hands.

Clowns Have No Respect For Pie.

You Can Make A Very Heavy And Kind Of Dangerous 3-way Shot Glass Out Of A Bowling Ball.

What's This About Rice Milk? I Didn't Even Know Rice Had Nipples!

It Is Interesting That The Black Bmw Is The Preferred Car Of So Many Assholes.

I Was Seeing This Girl And She Wanted To Get More Serious. But I Wasn't Ready To, I Had Just Gotten Out Of A Difficult Relationship Before That. So I Said To Her, 'listen, You Have To Understand Something. Relationships Are Like Eyebrows. It's Better When There's A Space Between Them.' And That's Coming From A Greek Guy.

People Only Mention It's A Free Country If They're Doing Something Shitty.

As Soon As I Jumped Out Of The Airplane, I Realized I Had Forgotten My Parachute. Thank God We Were Still On The Runway.

When I'm Buying Car Insurance I Ask Myself, 'which Company Has The Most Annoying And Relentless Commercials?'

The Plastic Knife Is Perfect For When A Person Just Wants To Make Some Marks On His Food And Get Insanely Frustrated At The Same Time.

One Of My Favorite Clothing Patterns Is Camouflage. Because When You're In The Woods It Makes You Blend In. But When You're Not It Does Just The Opposite. It's Like, 'hey, There's An Asshole.'

Knights Would Have Probably Liked Refrigerator Magnets.

You Always Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. You Never Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. The Problem Is, You Have A Non-wolf Imparting Wolf Teachings.

I Love Bowling Almost As Much As I Love Not Bowling.

A Wednesday With No Rain Is A Dry Hump Day.

When They Were Naming Vitamins They Must Have Thought There Were Going To Be Way More Vitamins Than There Ended Up Being. Ok Let's Name These: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok Man Slow Down We've Got A Lot To Cover Here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then They Got To E And They Were Like 'we're Pretty Much Done. We've Got All Those Damn B's. This Is Embarrassing. Let's Just Skip To K And Get The Hell Out Of Here.

I Still Like Paper Books. Like, Book Is A Flammable Object. After You Read It, You Could Use It To Get Warm. Or It Could Become A Pile Of Napkins.

I'm So Secretive That When Someone Asks Me, Hey, Can You Keep A Secret? I Say That's None Of Your Business.

None Of Your Business

Timing Is Everything. That's A Cliche. Now. If I'd Said That A Long Time Ago, I'd Have Been Original.

Everybody Knew That You Should Never Provoke A Rattlesnake, Much Less Tie It Into A Bow. But That Didn't Stop Judd. What Did Stop Him Was The Rattlesnake.

You Know What's The Greatest Part Of Anything Ever In The History Of Everything? Exaggeration. No, Wait; It's Correcting Yourself. No, Better Yet, It's Making Lists.

When I Am Holding A Water Balloon, So Many Things Look So Unnecessarily Dry.

Separate But Equal Is Terrible For Education But It's Perfect For Eyebrows.

Multi-choice Question: My Dishwasher Is: Efficient; Hilarious.

A Rubik's Cube Is Equal To A Drag Queen. It's Really Colorful, But I Don't Wanna Do It.

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