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Astronomers Say The Universe Is Finite, Which Is A Comforting Thought For Those People Who Can't Remember Where They Leave Things.

-Woody Allen

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Astronomers Say The Universe

Woody Allen

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Astronomers Say The Universe Is Finite, Which Is A Comforting Thought For Those People Who Can't Remember Where They Leave Things.

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There's An Old Joke - Um... Two Elderly Women Are At A Catskill Mountain Resort, And One Of 'em Says, "boy, The Food At This Place Is Really Terrible." The Other One Says, "yeah, I Know; And Such Small Portions." Well, That's Essentially How I Feel About Life - Full Of Loneliness, And Misery, And Suffering, And Unhappiness, And It's All Over Much Too Quickly.

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This Guy Goes To A Psychiatrist And Says, Doc, My Brother’s Crazy. He Thinks He’s A Chicken. The Doctor Says, Well, Why Don’t You Turn Him In? And The Guy Says, I Would But I Need The Eggs. Well I Guess That’s Pretty Much How I Feel About Relationships. You Know They’re Totally Irrational And Crazy And Absurd But I Guess We Keep Going Through It Because, Uh, Most Of Us Need The Eggs.

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I Feel Humor Is Important For Those Two Reasons: That It Is A Little Bit Of Refreshment Like Music, And That Women Have Told Me Over The Years That It Is Very, Very Important To Them.

Confidence Is What You Have Before You Understand The Problem.

For A While We Pondered Whether To Take A Vacation Or Get A Divorce. We Decided That A Trip To Bermuda Is Over In Two Weeks, But A Divorce Is Something You Always Have.

I've Never Been Satisfied Or Even Pleased With A Film That I've Done. I Make Them, I'm Finished, I've Never Looked At One After. I Don't Like Them Because There's A Big Gap Between What You Conceive In Your Mind When You're Writing And You Don't Have To Meet The Test Of Reality. You're Home, You Write And It's Funny And Beautiful And Romantic And Dramatic, And Then You Have To Show Up On A Cold Morning, And You Don't Have Enough Of This And This Goes Wrong And You Make The Wrong Choice On Something And You Screwed Up And You Can't Go Back.

Is There A Separation Between Body And Mind, And If So Which Is It Better To Have?

I Was In Analysis. I Was Suicidal. As A Matter Of Fact, I Would Have Killed Myself, But I Was In Analysis With A Strict Freudian And If You Kill Yourself They Make You Pay For The Sessions You Miss.

I Think I've Gotten Technically Better Over The Years But You'd Have To Be A Fool Not To. I've Made So Many Movies That By Sheer Quantity You Get Better At The Technique.

Isn't All Mankind Ultimately Executed For A Crime It Never Committed?

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I've Always Liked, Someday The Lamb Will Lay By The Lion.... But It Won't Get Much Sleep.

Once Munching Has Begun, Schopenhauer Held, The Human Will Cannot Resist Further Munching, And The Result Is A Universe With Crumbs Over Everything.

I Carry A Bullet In My Breast Pocket. Once, A Crazy Evangelist Threw A Bible At Me, Which Would Have Gone Through My Heart If It Wasn't For The Bullet.

You Always Think Another Time Would Have Been Ideal For You . . . The Reality Is There Was No Novocaine When You Went To The Dentist.

There Is No Justice, There Is No Rational Structure To It [life]. That Is Just The Way It Is, And Each Person Figures Out Some Way To Cope.

I Was Thrown Out Of College For Cheating On The Metaphysics Exam; I Looked Into The Soul Of The Boy Sitting Next To Me.

Cynicism Is Reality With An Alternate Spelling.

I'm A Nice Person! I Have Healthy Life Drives And Goals! I Don't Drink, I Don't Smoke. I Would Never Force Myself Sexually On A Blind Person!

I Don't Want To Live Forever Through My Work. I Want To Live Forever By Not Dying.

What People Who Don't Write Don't Understand Is That They Think You Make Up The Line Consciously — But You Don't. It Proceeds From Your Unconscious. So It's The Same Surprise To You When It Emerges As It Is To The Audience When The Comic Says It. I Don't Think Of The Joke And Then Say It. I Say It And Then Realize What I've Said. And I Laugh At It, Because I'm Hearing It For The First Time Myself.

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With Films, I Just Scribble A Couple Of Notes For A Scene. You Don't Have To Do Any Writing At All, You Just Have Your Notes For The Scene, Which Are Written With The Actors And The Camera In Mind. The Actual Script Is A Necessity For Casting And Budgeting, But The End Product Often Doesn't Bear Much Resemblance To The Script--at Least In My Case.

I Don't Want To Be Immortal Through My Works. I Want To Be Immortal By Not Dying.

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Man Was Made In God`s Image. Do You Really Think God Has Red Hair And Glasses?

Our Love, Our Love Will Last Forever. It's Forever But It Just Doesn't Work. That's Why It Will Always Be Romantic Because It Can Not Be Complete.

Anything Worth Knowing Cannot Be Understood By The Human Mind.

For The First Year Of Marriage I Had Basically A Bad Attitude. I Tended To Place My Wife Underneath A Pedestal.

People Say That Death Is A Part Of Life And There Must Be Something To It, But I Just See It As Bad News And I Want Everybody To Stop Sugarcoating It.

No One Ever Wants The Whole Script. I Give The Whole Script To People Who Require The Whole Script But To Those People Who Don't Require The Whole Script I Don't Give It To Them And No One Cares. They're Relieved Not To Have To Read Extra Pages That They're Not In.

Sygmnd Was A Poor Austrian Who'd Lost All The Vowels In His Name In A Boating Accident.

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They Were Doing The Dying Swan At The Ballet. And There Was A Rumor That Some Bookmarkers Had Drifted Into Town From Upstate New York And That They Had Fixed The Bullet. There Was A Lot Of Money Bet On The Swan To Live.

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Regarding Love What Can You Say? It's Not The Quantity Of Your Sexual Relations That Counts. It's The Quality. On The Other Hand If The Quantity Drops Below Once Every Eight Months, I Would Definitely Look Into It.

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I Believe There Is Something Out There Watching Us. Unfortunately, It's The Government.

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Dear Mom And Dad, Leave $50,000 In A Bag Under The Bridge On Decatur Street. If There Is No Bridge On Decatur Street, Please Build One.

This Sounds So Bleak When I Say It, But We Need Some Delusions To Keep Us Going. And The People Who Successfully Delude Themselves Seem Happier Than The People Who Can't.

But It Was I - Yes I - Who Discovered The Link Between Excessive Masturbation And Entry Into Politics!

Jazz Is A Big Thing With Me. It's A Very Big Passion Of Mine, To Play It. I'm An Amateur Musician And I Love Everything About It. I Was Obsessed With Jazz When I Was 15 Years Old And I Know A Lot About It Because I've Loved It So Much.

The Dictatorship Is Shut Up, Democracy Is Always Concerned.

I'm Short Enough And Ugly Enough To Succeed On My Own.

Real Software Engineers Don't Debug Programs, They Verify Correctness. This Process Doesn't Necessarily Involve Execution Of Anything On A Computer, Except Perhaps A Correctness Verification Aid Package. Sex Without Love Is An Empty Experience, But, As Empty Experiences Go, It's One Of The Best.

I Didn't Go To Paris Until I Was A Grown-up In 1965. And When I Went To Paris, It Was The Paris I Knew Only From American Movies.

I Want To Return To The Womb, Anyone's.

I Can't Do Anything To Death, Doctor's Orders.

Everyone Wants To Get Out Of Living Where They're Living Now, Because Life Is A Pretty Tough Proposition And Not Much Fun. But When You Think Back To Earlier Times, You Only Extrapolate The Nice Things.

Why Does Man Kill? He Kills For Food. And Not Only Food: Frequently There Must Be A Beverage.

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There Are Three Things Jewish People Worship-god, Chinese Food And Wall-to-wall Carpeting.

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Me And Nature Are Two.

If You Take A Frown And Turn It Upside Down, The Person You Are Holding By The Ankles Will Soon Pass Out.

The Audience Is Making The Film And Not The Film-maker.

To Love Is To Suffer. To Avoid Suffering One Must Not Love. But Then One Suffers From Not Loving. Therefore, To Love Is To Suffer. Not To Love Is To Suffer.

I Wish I Could Think Of A Positive Point To Leave You With. Will You Take Two Negative Points?

The Chief Problem About Death ... Is The Fear That There May Be No Afterlife - A Depressing Thought.

I Like Filming In New York A Lot Myself, But London Is Accommodating To Me; The Weather's Very Good There And The Conditions For Shooting And The Financial Conditions, The Artistic Conditions Are Good, So It's A Pleasant Place To Shoot.

Eighty Percent Of Success Is Showing Up.

I've Been Escaping My Whole Life. Since I Was A Little Child, I Escaped Into The Movies On The Other Side As An Audience Member. I Escaped By Going Into The Movies And Sitting In The Movies All Day Long.

It Is Clear The Future Holds Great Opportunities. It Also Holds Pitfalls. The Trick Will Be To Avoid The Pitfalls, Seize The Opportunities, And Get Back Home By Six O'clock.

God Is Either Cruel Or Incompetent.

What' S The Matter With Me? Why Can't I Be Cool?

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Fantasy Is Only A State Of Mind That You Can Employ When Existing In A Real Context.

More Than At Any Other Time In History, Mankind Faces A Crossroads. One Path Leads To Despair And Utter Hopelessness. The Other, To Total Extinction. Let Us Pray We Have The Wisdom To Choose Correctly. I Speak, By The Way, Not With Any Sense Of Futility, But With A Panicky Conviction Of The Absolute Meaninglessness Of Existence Which Could Easily Be Misinterpreted As Pessimism. It Is Not. It Is Merely A Healthy Concern For The Predicament Of Modern Man.

For Some Reason It Gives People Pleasure To Equate The Life Of Certain Movie Actors Or Actresses With Their Actual Lives.

To Me, Movies Are Valuable As An Art Form And As A Wonderful Means Of Popular Entertainment. But I Think Movies Have Gone Terribly Wrong.

Everything In Life Turns Out To Be A Distraction From The Real Thing You Want To Do. There Are A Million Distractions And When I Was A Kid I Was Very Disciplined. I Knew That The Other Kids Weren't. I Was The One Able To Do The Thing, Not Because I Had More Talent, Maybe Less, But Because They Simply Weren't Applying Themselves.

I Don't Believe In An Afterlife, But I'm Taking An Extra Pair Of Underwear Just In Case.

If God Is Everywhere, I Had Concluded, Then He Is In Food. Therefore, The More I Ate The Godlier I Would Become. Impelled By This New Religious Fervor, I Glutted Myself Like A Fanatic.

If I Could Change The Structure Of Existence I Would Do It. I Could See A Better Way To Live For Everybody.

Nothing Worth Knowing Can Be Understood With The Mind.

Early In Life, I Was Visited By The Bluebird Of Anxiety

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Talent Is Luck. The Important Thing In Life Is Courage.

I'm Generally Not A Social Dramatist Or Comedy Writer. My Interests Have Always Been More In Psychological Stories Or Personal Relations And Comic Ideas.

I Should Have Known Something Was Wrong With My First Wife. When I Brought Her Home To Meet My Parents, They Approved Of Her.

Can You Believe That? She Says I'm Not Leader Enough For Her. Who Was She Looking For... Hitler?

I Always Thought That As Long As Man Is Mortal, He Will Never Be Relaxed.

I Think [aging] Has Nothing To Recommend It. You Don't Gain Any Wisdom As The Years Go By. You Fall Apart, Is What Happens. People Try And Put A Nice Varnish On It, And Say, Well, You Mellow. You Come To Understand Life And Accept Things. But You'd Trade All Of That For Being 35 Again.

You Know, It's One Thing About Intellectuals, They Prove That You Can Be Absolutely Brilliant And Have No Idea What's Going On.

How Can I Believe In God When Just Last Week I Got My Tongue Caught In The Roller Of An Electric Typewriter?

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It Seems To Me That Making Escapist Films Might Be A Better Service To People Than Making Intellectual Ones And Making Films That Deal With Issues. It Might Be Better To Just Make Escapist Comedies That Don't Touch On Any Issues. The People Just Get A Cool Lemonade, And Then They Go Out Refreshed, They Enjoy Themselves, They Forget How Awful Things Are And It Helps Them - It Strengthens Them To Get Through The Day.

Sex On Twitter Can't Hurt You - Unless You Fall Off.

If I Could Just Hope To Have A Major Talent, Then I Would Rather Have It In Music Than In Any Other Field.

All Things Are Possible, Except Skiing Through A Revolving Door.

Interestingly, According To Modern Astronomers, Space Is Finite. This Is A Very Comforting Thought-particularly For People Who Can Never Remember Where They Have Left Things.

I'll Work By Myself For Years And Then I'll Think It'll Be Fun To Et One Of My Friends Like Marshall Brickman Or Doug Mcgrath Into A Room And Not Be Alone For The Writing Of The Thing; To Have The Pleasure Of Taking Walks And Get Lunch Together; Its Sort Of A Fun Process And Then I Do It And Then I Get Back On My Own For A While Until I Feel The Need To Do It Again.

Should I Marry W.? Not If She Won't Tell Me The Other Letters In Her Name.

Child Molestation Is A Touchy Subject... Read The Papers! Half The Country's Doing It!

As A Boy, I Was Ashamed To Wear Glasses. I Memorized The Eye Chart, And Then On The Test They Asked Essay Questions.

I've Never Dated A Fictional Character Before. The Closest I Ever Came Was An Italian.

Fictional Character

Money Is Better Than Poverty, If Only For Financial Reasons.

Is Knowledge Knowable? If Not, How Do We Know?

I Think If You Have A Comic Perspective, Almost Anything That Happens You Tend To Put Through A Comic Filter. It's A Way Of Coping In The Short Term, But Has No Long Term Effect And Requires Constant, Endless Renewal. Hence People Talk Of Comics Who Are "always On." It's Like Constantly Drugging Your Sensibility So You Can Get By With Less Pain.

Those Who Can't Do, Teach. And Those Who Can't Teach, Teach Gym.

I Have Great Faith In The Actors. When They Improvise, It Always Sounds Better Than The Stuff I Write In My Bedroom. When They Improvise, They Make It Sound Alive.

As The Author You Know How You Want It To Appear On Screen And It's Always The Content Dictating The Form.

If You're Not Failing, You're Not Trying Anything.

Learning From Mistakes

One Man Starving Puts A Crimp In My Evening.

That’s One Of The Nice Things About Writing, Or Any Art; If The Thing’s Real, It Just Lives.

She Wore A Short Skirt And A Tight Sweater And Her Figure Described A Set Of Parabolas That Could Cause Cardiac Arrest In A Yak.

I Could Turn On My Radio In The Morning When I Was Getting Dressed For School And Hear Frank Sinatra And Duke Ellington And Benny Goodman And Think This Is The Music. Now That Music Is Art. Ellington Is Art. At That Time It Was Just What You Heard On The Radio. Cole Porter Was Just A Guy Who Wrote Pretty Songs And Billie Holliday Would Sing Them.

Where I Grew Up In Brooklyn, Nobody Committed Suicide. Everyone Was Too Unhappy.

For Some Reason I've Always Had An Irrational Love For New York. There's No Reason That You Would Necessarily Like It On Paper. It's Very Expensive.

Sex Between A Man And A Woman Can Be Absolutely Wonderful; Provided You Get Between The Right Man And The Right Woman.

90% Of Success In Life Is Showing Up

Success In Life

Visually I've Always Liked The 20s 30s For Film. I Do These Because I Like The Music. I Like The Clothes. I Like The Way The Women And The Guys Look. There Are Soldiers And Sailors And Gangsters With The Machine Guns In Their Violin Cases. It's A Very Colorful Era Of New York, Full Of Great Theater And Great Nightclubs And Great Jazz.

Life Is Unresolved, Confusing, Bewildering, Puzzling, Ambiguous. You Don't Really Know What's Going To Happen. The Future Is Uncertain For Everybody.

I Wouldn't Necessarily Want To Be A Big Muscular Guy. It's Nice To Be Gorgeous Whether You're Male Or Female Assuming You Don't Lose Whatever Else You Have.

I Can't Imagine Any Director Directing A Screenplay Of Mine, Because The Great Directors All Have Very Personal Styles, And The Ones That Don't Are Not Very Interesting Directors.

I Have A Limitless Amount Of Great Music At My Disposal And It's Very, Very Pleasurable Because When The Music Goes On The Film It's Amazing How Much It Livens Up The Film And Gives It An Emotional Kick In The Pants, Sort Of.

The Food Here Is Terrible, And The Portions Are Too Small.

But What If Everyone In The World Behaved Like Me And Came Here And Shot Brisseau Through The Ear? What A Mess! And Of Course We'd Need Valet Parking.

A Stockbroker Is Someone Who Invests Other People's Money Until It Is All Gone.

If I Just Got Up In The Morning And Had No Place To Go And Was Retired Or Something, I Would Be Sitting There And Be Thinking, "gee, What Is The Purpose Of Life? Why Are We All Finite? Why Do We Get Old And Die? Is There Nothing Out There? Why Is It So Tragic? Why Do Our Loved Ones Perish? Why Do We Generate?" Who Wants To Think About That Stuff?

I'm Awash In Self-contempt!

With Me; It's Just A Genetic Dissatisfaction With Everything.

Dissatisfaction

I Love Nature, I Just Don't Want To Get Any Of It On Me.

Oh, He Was Probably A Member Of The National Rifle Association. It Was A Group That Helped Criminals Get Guns So They Could Shoot Citizens. It Was A Public Service.

Spencer Was Searching For A Woman Interested In Gold, Inorganic Chemistry, Outdoor Sex And The Music Of Bach. In Short, He Was Looking For Himself, Only Female.

The Artist Can't Give You An Answer That's Satisfying To The Dreadful Reality Of Your Existence. So The Best You Can Do Is Maybe Entertain People And Refresh Them For An Hour-and-a-half.

Life Is Divided Into The Horrible And The Miserable.

Nietzsche Says That We Will Live The Same Life, Over And Over Again. God - I'll Have To Sit Through The Ice Capades Again.

You Can't Control Life. It Doesn't Wind Up Perfectly. Only-only Art You Can Control. Art And Masturbation. Two Areas In Which I Am An Absolute Expert.

I Had A Mad Impulse To Throw You Down On The Lunar Surface And Commit Interstellar Perversion With You.

The French Make Two Mistakes About Me. They Think I'm An Intellectual Because I Wear These Glasses And They Think I'm An Artist Because My Films Lose Money.

I'm At The Stage Of Life When If A Girl Says No To Me I'm Profoundly Grateful To Her.

I Think That The Tendency For Most People Is To Fall Back On A Comic Interpretation Of Things Because Things Are So Sad, So Terrible. If You Didn't Laugh You'd Kill Yourself. But The Truth Of The Matter Is That Existence In General Is Very Very Tragic, Very Very Sad, Very Brutal And Very Unhappy.

I Have No Idea What I Am Doing But Incompetence Has Never Prevented Me From Plunging In With Enthusiasm.

What Has Gotten Into You Lately? Save A Little Craziness For Menopause!

This Stuff Tastes Awful; I Could Have Made A Fortune Selling It In My Health-food Store.

The Good Sleep Better, But The Bad Seem To Enjoy The Waking Hours Much More.

In New York State They Have A Strange Law That Says You Can't Get A Divorce Unless You Can Prove Adultery - And It's Weird, Because The Ten Commandments Say 'thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.' But New York State Says You Have To. Well, Finally, What Happened Was That My Wife Committed Adultery For Me. She's Always Been More Mechanically Inclined Than I Have.

I'd Call Him A Sadistic, Hippophilic Necrophile, But That Would Be Beating A Dead Horse.

If My Films Make One More Person Miserable, I'll Feel I Have Done My Job.

My Heart Says One Thing. My Head Says Another. Very Hard To Get Your Heart And Head Together In Life.

Drama, It Would Be As If You Wrote Some Poetry. You'd Run The Risk Of Being Embarrassed If People Read It, Because You're Pouring Your Heart Out And You're Not Mitigating It With Any Humor Or Anything.

When We Lose Twenty Pounds... We May Be Losing The Twenty Best Pounds We Have! We May Be Losing The Pounds That Contain Our Genius, Our Humanity, Our Love And Honesty.

I Am Plagued By Doubts.

I'm A Creature Of The New York City Streets.

Love May Be The Answer, But Even Though You're Watching For The Solution, Intercourse Raises Some Rather Interesting Thoughts.

There Is No Advantage Getting Older. You Don't Get Smarter, You Don't Get Wiser, You Don't Get More Mellow, You Don't Get More Kindly, Nothing Good Happens. Your Back Hurts More, You Get More Indigestion, Your Eyesight Isn't As Good, You Need A Hearing Aid. It's A Bad Business Getting Old And I Would Advise You Not To Do It If You Can Avoid It. It Doesn't Have A Romantic Quality.

I Don't Mind Dying... As Long As I Don't Have To Be There When It Happens.

My Grandfather Was A Very Insignificant Man, Actually. At His Funeral His Hearse Followed The Other Cars.

Men Learn To Love The Woman They Are Attracted To. Women Learn To Become Attracted To The Man They Fall In Love With.

Falling In Love

When A Film Is Reviled, You Open A Film And People Say "oh, It's The Stupidest Thing, It's The Worst Movie." You Think: Oh, Nobody's Going To Ever Speak To You Again. But, It Doesn't Happen. Nobody Cares. You Know, They Read It And They Say "oh, They Hated Your Film." You Care, At The Time. But They Don't. Nobody Else Cares.

I Once Stole A Pornographic Book That Was Printed In Braille. I Used To Rub The Dirty Parts.

Sex Is Like Having Dinner: Sometimes You Joke About The Dishes, Sometimes You Take The Meal Seriously.

I Never Considered Myself An Artist. I Aspire To Be An Artist, But I Never Thought I Had The Depth Or Substance Or Gift To Be An Artist. I Do Think I Have Some Talent, But It Doesn't Go As Far As Being An Artist.

Paris Is A Very Exciting City. I Learned About Paris The Same Way That Americans Do: From The Movies.

We Live In Far Too Permissive A Society. Never Before Has Pornography Been This Rampant. And Those Films Are So Badly Lit!

I’m Going To Kill Myself. I Should Go To Paris And Jump Off The Eiffel Tower. I’ll Be Dead. You Know, In Fact, If I Get The Concorde, I Could Be Dead Three Hours Earlier, Which Would Be Perfect. Or Wait A Minute. It -- With The Time Change, I Could Be Alive For Six Hours In New York But Dead Three Hours In Paris. I Could Get Things Done, And I Could Also Be Dead.

I'm Not Saying I Didn't Enjoy Myself, But I Didn't.

Showing Up Is 80 Percent Of Life.

There Is No Question That There Is An Unseen World. The Problem Is, How Far Is It From Midtown And How Late Is It Open?

Events Unfold So Unpredictably, So Unfairly, Human Happiness Does Not Seem To Be Included In The Design Of Creation. It Is Only We, With Our Capacity To Love That Give Meaning To The Indifferent Universe. And Yet, Most Human Beings Seem To Have The Ability To Keep Trying And Even Try To Find Joy From Simple Things, Like Their Family, Their Work, And From The Hope That Future Generations Might Understand More.

Capacity To Love

All My Life Is Passing In Front Of My Eyes. The Worst Part Of It Is I'm Driving A Used Car.

Life Is Like A Concentration Camp... You Can't Leave Without Dying.

One Filmmaker Makes Films That Are Deep, Intellectual, Profound And Confrontational. And The Other One Makes Purely Vacuous, Escapist Films. I'm Not Sure The One Who Makes Escapist Films Is Making A Poorer Contribution Than The One Who Makes The Deeper Films.

I Am Not Afraid Of Death. I Just Don't Want To Be There When It Happens.

The Talent For Being Happy Is Appreciating And Liking What You Have, Instead Of What You Don't Have.

I Prefer To Achieve Immortality By Not Dying.

My Wife And I Thought We Were In Love, But It Turned Out To Be Benign

What If Everything Is An Illusion And Nothing Exists? In That Case, I Definitely Overpaid For My Carpet.

Your Still Searching For Me In Every Woman. You'll Always Seek To Duplicate What We Had. You Know It.

These Were Always Obsessions Of Mine, Even As A Very Young Child. These Were Things That Interested Me As The Years Went On. My Friends Were More Preoccupied With Social Issues - Issues Such As Abortion, Racial Discrimination, And Communism - And Those Issues Just Never Caught My Interest. Of Course They Mattered To Me As A Citizen To Some Degree...but They Never Really Caught My Attention Artistically.

I Like Writing. It Keeps My Mind Off Grim Subjects. It's Therapeutic In The Same Way A Patient In An Institution Is Given Fingerpaints.

I've Often Felt That Life Is A Hard Deal And It's Unrelentingly Tragic And An Uphill Fight.

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