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It's A Wonderful Thing To Be Able To Create Your Own World Whenever You Want To. Writing Is Very Pleasurable, Very Seductive, And Very Therapeutic. Time Passes Very Fast When I'm Writing-really Fast. I'm Puzzling Over Something, And Time Just Flies By. It's An Exhilarating Feeling. How Bad Can It Be? It's Sitting Alone With Fictional Characters. You're Escaping From The World In Your Own Way And That's Fine. Why Not?

-Woody Allen

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It's A Wonderful Thing

Woody Allen

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It's A Wonderful Thing To Be Able To Create Your Own World Whenever You Want To. Writing Is Very Pleasurable, Very Seductive, And Very Therapeutic. Time Passes Very Fast When I'm Writing-really Fast. I'm Puzzling Over Something, And Time Just Flies By. It's An Exhilarating Feeling. How Bad Can It Be? It's Sitting Alone With Fictional Characters. You're Escaping From The World In Your Own Way And That's Fine. Why Not?

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Topic

Exhilarating Feeling

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See, I Will Always Have This Penchant For What I Call Kamikaze Women. I Call Them Kamikazes Because They, You Know They Crash Their Plane, They're Self-destructive. But They Crash Into You, And You Die Along With Them.

The Good Sleep Better, But The Bad Seem To Enjoy The Waking Hours Much More.

I Didn't Believe In Reincarnation In My Past Life, And I Still Don't.

I Can't Do Anything To Death, Doctor's Orders.

I Like Filming In New York A Lot Myself, But London Is Accommodating To Me; The Weather's Very Good There And The Conditions For Shooting And The Financial Conditions, The Artistic Conditions Are Good, So It's A Pleasant Place To Shoot.

I've Always Believed That Thoughtful People Don't Really Take The Tabloids Seriously. They're Basically A Form Of Entertainment. I Enjoy Them As Much As The Next New Yorker.

You Look Up After Many Years And You Find That A Film Has Become A Classic Because It's Meaningful To People And Alive, Decade After Decade.

My Films Are A Form Of Psychoanalysis, Except That It Is I Who Am Paid, Which Changes Everything.

You Know What My Philosophy Of Life Is? That It’s Important To Have Some Laughs, But You Got To Suffer A Little Too, Because Otherwise You Miss The Whole Point To Life.

The Most Important Words In The English Language Are Not 'i Love You' But 'it's Benign.'

Everyone Wants To Get Out Of Living Where They're Living Now, Because Life Is A Pretty Tough Proposition And Not Much Fun. But When You Think Back To Earlier Times, You Only Extrapolate The Nice Things.

We Live In Far Too Permissive A Society. Never Before Has Pornography Been This Rampant. And Those Films Are So Badly Lit!

Life Is A Tragedy Filled With Suffering And Despair And Yet Some People Do Manage To Avoid Jury Duty.

I Was A Smart Kid And I Was Not Understood By My Parents.

I Don't Believe In An Afterlife, But I'm Taking An Extra Pair Of Underwear Just In Case.

The Man Who Said 'i'd Rather Be Lucky Than Good' Saw Deeply Into Life. People Are Afraid To Face How Great A Part Of Life Is Dependent On Luck. It's Scary To Think So Much Is Out Of One's Control. There Are Moments In A Match When The Ball Hits The Top Of The Net And For A Split Second It Can Either Go Forward Or Fall Back. With A Little Luck It Goes Forward And You Win. Or Maybe It Doesn't And You Lose.

I Think It's My Job Or The Artist's Job, To Try And Find Some Solution Or Some Reason To Accept Things. But Given The Grimmest Reality, I Feel The Grimmest Facts Are The Real Facts, The True Facts: That You're Born, You Die, You Suffer, It's To No Purpose, And You're Gone Forever, Ever, Ever, And That's It.

Because It's Much More Pleasant To Be Obsessed Over How The Hero Gets Out Of His Predicament Than It Is Over How I Get Out Of Mine.

The History Of The World Is Like: He Kills Me, I Kill Him, Only With Different Cosmetics And Different Castings. So In 2001, Some Fanatics Killed Some Americans, And Now Some Americans Are Killing Some Iraqis. And In My Childhood, Some Nazis Killed Jews. And Now, Some Jewish People And Some Palestinians Are Killing Each Other.

See, I Never Gain An Ounce, Because, You Know, My Anxiety Acts Like Aerobics.

When We Lose Twenty Pounds... We May Be Losing The Twenty Best Pounds We Have! We May Be Losing The Pounds That Contain Our Genius, Our Humanity, Our Love And Honesty.

I Have A Limitless Amount Of Great Music At My Disposal And It's Very, Very Pleasurable Because When The Music Goes On The Film It's Amazing How Much It Livens Up The Film And Gives It An Emotional Kick In The Pants, Sort Of.

Our Love, Our Love Will Last Forever. It's Forever But It Just Doesn't Work. That's Why It Will Always Be Romantic Because It Can Not Be Complete.

We Knew The Front Door Was Always Left Open, But We Broke In Just To Keep In Practice. Doxy Turned All The Washburn Family Photos To The Wall So There Wouldn't Be Any Witnesses.

The Great Question Of Philosophy Remains: If Life Is Meaningless, What Can Be Done About Alphabet Soup?

I've Never Been An Intellectual But I Have This Look.

Basically I Am A Low-culture Person. I Prefer Watching Baseball With A Beer And Some Meatballs.

I Was Thrown Out Of Nyu For Cheating-with The Deans Wife

I Think Frank Capra Was A Much Craftier Filmmaker, A Wonderful Filmmaker. He Had Enormous Technique, And He Knew How To Manipulate The Public Quite Brilliantly.

I Don't Know Enough To Be Incompetent.

To Love Is To Suffer. To Avoid Suffering One Must Not Love. But Then One Suffers From Not Loving. Therefore, To Love Is To Suffer; Not To Love Is To Suffer; To Suffer Is To Suffer. To Be Happy Is To Love. To Be Happy, Then, Is To Suffer, But Suffering Makes One Unhappy. Therefore, To Be Happy One Must Love Or Love To Suffer Or Suffer From Too Much Happiness.

God Is Silent. Now If Only Man Would Shut Up.

By Now They Had Mastered My Own Language, But They Still Made Simple Mistakes, Like Using 'hermeneutics,' When They Meant 'heuristic'.

History Is The Same Thing Over And Over Again.

Fitness Motivational

Temporary Insanity

I Believe That Sex Is A Beautiful Thing Between Two People. Between Five, It's Fantastic.

Life's Hard, Then You Die.

Meaningful Death

When I'm Not Working, I Think And I Think When I Get Depressed.

Events Unfold So Unpredictably, So Unfairly, Human Happiness Does Not Seem To Be Included In The Design Of Creation. It Is Only We, With Our Capacity To Love That Give Meaning To The Indifferent Universe. And Yet, Most Human Beings Seem To Have The Ability To Keep Trying And Even Try To Find Joy From Simple Things, Like Their Family, Their Work, And From The Hope That Future Generations Might Understand More.

Capacity To Love

Nothing Worth Knowing Can Be Understood With The Mind.

The Last Woman I Was In Was The Statue Of Liberty.

I Prefer The Magic To Reality, And Have Since I Was 5 Years Old. Hopefully, I Can Continue To Make Films And Constantly Escape Into Them.

He Was So Depressed, He Tried To Commit Suicide By Inhaling Next To An Armenian.

Taste My Tuna Casserole - Tell Me If I Put In Too Much Hot Fudge.

Abysmal Vermin That I Am, I Couldn't Of Course Tell Her That It Was Her Incredible Mother That I Wanted To See Again… I Knew Only As I Drove Through The Cold, Night Autumn Air That Somewhere Freud, Sophocles And Eugene O’neill Were Laughing.

Where Did We Come From? Where Are We Going? Is There Possibility Of A Group Discount?

To Love Is To Suffer. To Avoid Suffering One Must Not Love. But Then One Suffers From Not Loving. Therefore, To Love Is To Suffer. Not To Love Is To Suffer.

I Once Stole A Pornographic Book That Was Printed In Braille. I Used To Rub The Dirty Parts.

I Think I've Gotten Technically Better Over The Years But You'd Have To Be A Fool Not To. I've Made So Many Movies That By Sheer Quantity You Get Better At The Technique.

I'd Never Join A Club That Would Allow A Person Like Me To Become A Member.

My Mother Never Had Time For Me. When You're The Middle Child In A Family Of Five Million, You Don't Get Any Attention.

There's Nothing Like The Discovery Of An Unknown Work By A Great Thinker To Set The Intellectual Community Atwitter And Cause Academics To Dart About Like Those Things One Sees When Looking At A Drop Of Water Under A Microscope.

I Don't Think My Film Style Has Changed. I'm Doing The Same Kind Of Jokes I Did When I Was Younger.

I've Always Been Interested In Being In Other People's Movies. I Never Get Any Offers.

Today I Saw A Red And Yellow Sunset And Thought, How Insignificant I Am! Of Course, I Thought That Yesterday Too, And It Rained.

I'm Not A Drinker, My Body Won't Tolerate...eh...spirits, Really. I Had Two Martinis New Years Eve And I Tried To Hi-jack An Elevator And Fly It To Cuba.

I Think Hollywood Has Gone In A Disastrous Path. It's Terrible. The Years Of Cinema That Were Great Were The '30s, '40s, Not So Much The '50s...but Then The Foreign Films Took Over And It Was A Great Age Of Cinema As American Directors Were Influenced By Them And That Fueled The '50s And '60s And '70s.

Manute Bol Is So Skinny They Save Money On Road Trips. They Just Fax Him From City To City.

Visually I've Always Liked The 20s 30s For Film. I Do These Because I Like The Music. I Like The Clothes. I Like The Way The Women And The Guys Look. There Are Soldiers And Sailors And Gangsters With The Machine Guns In Their Violin Cases. It's A Very Colorful Era Of New York, Full Of Great Theater And Great Nightclubs And Great Jazz.

You Can't Anticipate In The Room The Riches Of What You Encounter When You're Location Hunting For A Movie.

We Stand At A Crossroads. One Path Leads To Despair, The Other To Destruction. Let's Hope We Make The Right Choice.

If You Are Not Failing Now And Again, Its A Sign You Are Not Doing Anything Very Innovative

I Always Thought That As Long As Man Is Mortal, He Will Never Be Relaxed.

My Grandfather Was A Very Insignificant Man, Actually. At His Funeral His Hearse Followed The Other Cars.

Regarding Love What Can You Say? It's Not The Quantity Of Your Sexual Relations That Counts. It's The Quality. On The Other Hand If The Quantity Drops Below Once Every Eight Months, I Would Definitely Look Into It.

Twenty-one Years Ago, When I First Heard Mia Farrow Had Accused Me Of Child Molestation, I Found The Idea So Ludicrous I Didn't Give It A Second Thought. We Were Involved In A Terribly Acrimonious Breakup, With Great Enmity Between Us And A Custody Battle Slowly Gathering Energy. The Self-serving Transparency Of Her Malevolence Seemed So Obvious I Didn't Even Hire A Lawyer To Defend Myself. It Was My Show Business Attorney Who Told Me She Was Bringing The Accusation To The Police And I Would Need A Criminal Lawyer.

I Wouldn't Mind Dying So Much If It Wasn't That I Would Be Dead At The End Of It.

You Make Films Whether They're Dramas Or Comedies About Neurotic People. Flawed People. Interesting Personality Traits. To Make Them About Calm, Stable Untroubled People Isn't Interesting.

American Films, It's A Money-making Industry. And In France, You Can Find Great Respect For Cinema As Art.

My Education Was Dismal. I Went To A Series Of Schools For Mentally Disturbed Teachers.

Some Guy Hit My Fender, And I Told Him, 'be Fruitful And Multiply,' But Not In Those Words.

I Think If You Have A Comic Perspective, Almost Anything That Happens You Tend To Put Through A Comic Filter. It's A Way Of Coping In The Short Term, But Has No Long Term Effect And Requires Constant, Endless Renewal. Hence People Talk Of Comics Who Are "always On." It's Like Constantly Drugging Your Sensibility So You Can Get By With Less Pain.

I Don't Inhale Because It Gives You Cancer, But I Look So Incredibly Handsome With A Cigarette That I Can't Not Hold One.

[an Audience Conditioned By A Lifetime Of Television-watching Is So Corrupted That] Their Standards Have Been Systematically Lowered Over The Years. These Guys Sit In Front Of Their Sets And The Gamma Rays Eat The White Cells Of Their Brains Out!

Television Watching

Sylvia Plath. Interesting Poetess Whose Tragic Suicide Was Misinterpreted As Romantic By The College-girl Mentality.

Drama, It Would Be As If You Wrote Some Poetry. You'd Run The Risk Of Being Embarrassed If People Read It, Because You're Pouring Your Heart Out And You're Not Mitigating It With Any Humor Or Anything.

I Never Considered Myself An Artist. I Aspire To Be An Artist, But I Never Thought I Had The Depth Or Substance Or Gift To Be An Artist. I Do Think I Have Some Talent, But It Doesn't Go As Far As Being An Artist.

Early In Life, I Was Visited By The Bluebird Of Anxiety

Science Is An Intellectual Dead End, You Know? It's A Lot Of Little Guys In Tweed Suits Cutting Up Frogs On Foundation Grants.

Sygmnd Was A Poor Austrian Who'd Lost All The Vowels In His Name In A Boating Accident.

The Meaning Of Life Is That Nobody Knows The Meaning Of Life.

Meaning Of Life

Raised By Two Mothers...wow, Most Of Us Barely Survive One

I Always Felt That The Problems Of The World Would Never Ever Be Solved Until People Came To Terms With The Deeper Issues [spiritual] - That There Would Be An Aimless Reshuffling Of World Leaders And Governments And Programs.

In Real Life, Keaton Believes In God. But She Also Believes That The Radio Works Because There Are Tiny People Inside It.

Life Is Short. Short, And Not About Anything Except What You Can Touch And What Touches You.

Showing Up Is 80 Percent Of Life.

I Never Ever See A Film Of Mine After I Release It To The Public. I See It When I Shoot It In My Dailies And While I'm Editing It, Re-editing It And Reshooting It And All That. By The Time It's Finished I Never Want To See It Again.

I Do Feel It's Important To Have Some Kind Of Faith In Something, But [it Is] Impossible For Many Of Us. I Personally Don't Have Any Faith In Anything, But It's Great If You Can.

I Know What I Think But I Don't Know How To Put It Into Words. Maybe I Could Get A Little Bit Drunk And Dance It For You.

You Can't Work At A Relationship; You Can't Control It. You Have To Be Lucky And Go Through Your Life. If You Are Not Lucky You Have To Be Prepared For Some Degree Of Suffering. That's Why Most Relationships Are Very Difficult And Have Some Degree Of Pain. People Stay Together Because Of Inertia, They Don't Have The Energy. Because They Are Frightened Of Being Lonely, Or They Have Children.

The Baby Is Fine. The Only Problem Is That He Looks Like Edward G. Robinson.

The Movie Is Usually, For Me, Something Organic That Grows All The Time. I Sit Home And Write It, And I'm In An Isolated, Four-walled Environment, And I Don't Know What's Going On. I Just Write It, And It's Appearing In My Head In Some Idealized Way Where Every Single Moment Works, And Every Little Thing Is Perfect, Because It's In My Head.

His Lack Of Education Is More Than Compensated For By His Keenly Developed Moral Bankruptcy.

Ninety Percent Of Life Is Just Showing Up.

Fitness Motivational

A Tree Never Hits An Automobile Except In Self Defense.

No Matter What The Shrinks, Or The Pundits, Or The Self-help Books Tell You, When It Comes To Love, It's Luck.

I'm Going To My Psychoanalyst One More Year, Then I'm Going To Lourdes.

I Think, On Both Sides Of The Camera Or The Novel: Distraction. I'm Obsessed With: Can I Get This Actress Or My Third Act To Work? I'm Distracted. I'm Interested In That So I Don't Sit Home And Think, "gee, Life Is Meaningless. We're All Going To Die. The Universe Is Pulling Apart At Breakneck Speed."

A General Philosophy Of The Female Characters In My Films Is They All Want Something To Believe In, And Not Having Anything.

There Are Three Things Jewish People Worship-god, Chinese Food And Wall-to-wall Carpeting.

The Chief Problem About Death, Incidentally, Is The Fear That There May Be No Afterlife - A Depressing Thought, Particularly For Those Who Bothered To Shave. Also, There Is The Fear That There Is An Afterlife But No One Will Know Where It's Being Held. On The Plus Side, Death Is One Of The Few Things That Can Be Done As Easily Laying Down.

I Asked The Girl If She Could Bring A Sister For Me. She Did. Sister Maria Teresa. It Was A Very Slow Evening. We Discussed The New Testament. We Agreed That He Was Very Well Adjusted For An Only Child.

My Luck Is Getting Worse And Worse. Last Night, For Instance, I Was Mugged By A Quaker.

If You Pursue The Other Woman, It's A Losing Situation And It's Not Good For Your Relationship Or Your Marriage. If Your Marriage Is Open And You're Allowed To, That's No Good Either. There's No Way, Really In The End, To Be Happy Unless You Get Very Lucky.

The Government Is Unresponsive To The Needs Of The Little Man. Under 5' 7", It Is Impossible To Get Your Congressman On The Phone.

There's No Point In Looking Back, Because There's Nothing You Can Really Do To Improve The Film. You Can Only Aggravate And Wish You Had Done Stuff Better.

Those Modern Analysts, They Charge So Much! In My Day, For Five Marks Freud Himself Would Treat You. For Ten Marks He Would Treat You And Press Your Pants. For Fifteen Marks Freud Would Let You Treat Him - That Included A Choice Of Any Two Vegetables.

They Were Doing The Dying Swan At The Ballet. And There Was A Rumor That Some Bookmarkers Had Drifted Into Town From Upstate New York And That They Had Fixed The Bullet. There Was A Lot Of Money Bet On The Swan To Live.

I'm A Comedian. I Make Comic Films And There Are Certain Ideas That Occur To Me That Are Comic, With Heavy, Serious Undertones. There Are Some Ideas That Are More Frivolous To Me. The Next Idea That Could Occur To Me Could Be Comedy About Death And Famine Or Something.

I Would Never Wanna Belong To Any Club That Would Have Someone Like Me For A Member.

The Chief Problem About Death ... Is The Fear That There May Be No Afterlife - A Depressing Thought.

Those Who Can't Do, Teach. And Those Who Can't Teach, Teach Gym.

I Think That The Tendency For Most People Is To Fall Back On A Comic Interpretation Of Things Because Things Are So Sad, So Terrible. If You Didn't Laugh You'd Kill Yourself. But The Truth Of The Matter Is That Existence In General Is Very Very Tragic, Very Very Sad, Very Brutal And Very Unhappy.

If Man Were Immortal, Do You Realize What His Meat Bills Would Be?

After 60, All Of Us Belong To The Weaker Sex.

There Have Been Times When I've Thought About It - But With My Luck It Would Probably Turn Out To Be Only A Temporary Solution.

In The Shower, With The Hot Water Coming Down, You've Left The Real World Behind, And Very Frequently Things Open Up For You. It's The Change Of Venue, The Unblocking The Attempt To Force The Ideas That's Crippling You When You're Trying To Write.

Paranoia Is Knowing All The Facts.

Life Is Full Of Misery, Loneliness, And Suffering - And It's All Over Much Too Soon.

I Have A Number Of Symptoms That Are Neurotic And Are Constricting In The Sense That If I Had A Brilliant Idea For A Film That Had To Be Shot In Tulsa, Ok I Would Tear It Up And Throw It Away. Anything Outside Of New York, 'cause I Can't Exist In A Hotel Outside Of My Own Home, I Have To Be In My Own Home And My Own Environment. This Is A Neurotic Symptom That Is Constricting To My Work Even.

I Don't Like To Reminisce Much, And My Walls Don't Have Photographs Of Me And The Actors I Was With, Or Any Of That Stuff... I Try And Keep That Disciplined, And Just Work. There Are So Many Traps You Can Get Into, And Looking Back On Your Own Work Is Certainly One Of Them.

I Never Think I Feel Cynical In General. Cynical Is Reality With An Alternate Spelling. I Feel There's A Gigantic Amount Of Injustice And Overt Crime Every Day In The World, From Emotional Crimes To International Crimes, And It Often Carries Rewards.

I Am Thankful For Laughter, Except When Milk Comes Out Of My Nose.

I Hate The Beach. I Hate The Sun. I'm Pale And I'm Redheaded. I Don't Tan - I Stroke!

There's No Way To Prove That There Is No God. You Just Have To Take It On Faith.

There Is No God

Take The Money And Run.

I Took A Test In Existentialism. I Left All The Answers Blank And Got 100.

I Wish My Parents Had Raised Me In Manhattan Because I Think It's The Greatest Thing You Can Do For A Kid Is To Raise Them In New York City. I Can See This With My Own Children.

I Never Wanted To Or Expected To Make A Film Outside Of New York. New York Became Very, Very Expensive. The Same $18 Million Spent In Barcelona Or Rome Goes Much Further There.

I've Always Been Lucky In Casting. The Trick In Casting Is To Hire Great People, And Let Them Do What They Do, Don't Interfere With Them Too Much. And Then When They're Great, Take Credit For It In The End.

Don't You See The Rest Of The Country Looks Upon New York Like We're Left-wing, Communist, Jewish, Homosexual Pornographers? I Think Of Us That Way Sometimes And I Live Here.

For Some Reason I've Always Had An Irrational Love For New York. There's No Reason That You Would Necessarily Like It On Paper. It's Very Expensive.

Even If God Exists, He's Done Such A Terrible Job, It's A Wonder People Don't Get Together And File A Class Action Suit Against Him.

Fantasy Is Seductive And Much More Wonderful Than Reality, But You Can't Take It To The Bank. It's Always An Escape. And If Used As An Escape, As In Attending A Movie Or A Show For A Circumscribed Period Of Time, It's Fine. When It Starts To Become Undifferentiated From Reality, It Leads To Big Trouble.

I Was In Analysis. I Was Suicidal. As A Matter Of Fact, I Would Have Killed Myself, But I Was In Analysis With A Strict Freudian And If You Kill Yourself They Make You Pay For The Sessions You Miss.

The Study Of Economy Usually Shows Us That The Best Time For Purchase Was Last Year.

Real Life Is Generally Much Duller And Inevitably Sadder, Most Of The Time. In Film, You Control Everything That's Going On, So You Can Indulge The Most Fantastic, Romantic, Escapist Feelings And Fantasies. You Can Do Anything You Want. That's Why It's Very Seductive And Pleasurable To Earn Your Living Making Movies Because You're Not Living In The Real World.

End Production Today. Wrap Party As Usual A Little Sad. Slow Danced With Scarlett. Broke Her Toe. Not My Fault. When She Dipped Me Back, I Stepped On It. Penélope [cruz] And Javier [bardem] Anxious To Work With Me Again. Said If I Ever Come Up With Another Screenplay To Try And Find Them. Goodbye Drink With Rebecca [hall]. Sentimental Moment. Everyone In Cast And Crew Chipped In And Bought Me A Ballpoint Pen.

When I First Started, There Were Writers That I Looked Up To That I Felt Very Influenced By And Very Respectful Toward Their Work And Their Opinion Of My Work.

Astronomers Say The Universe Is Finite, Which Is A Comforting Thought For Those People Who Can't Remember Where They Leave Things.

And In All Of Babylonia There Was Wailing And Gnashing Of Teeth, 'til The Prophets Bade The Multitudes Get A Grip On Themselves And Shape Up.

How Wrong Emily Dickinson Was! Hope Is Not "the Thing With Feathers." The Thing With Feathers Has Turned Out To Be My Nephew. I Must Take Him To A Specialist In Zurich.

Those Who Can't Do, Teach!

I Tended To Place My Wife Under A Pedestal.

Me And Nature Are Two.

Where I Grew Up In Brooklyn, Nobody Committed Suicide. Everyone Was Too Unhappy.

Capital Punishment Would Be More Effective As A Preventive Measure If It Were Administered Prior To The Crime.

In Perpetrating A Revolution, There Are Two Requirements: Someone Or Something To Revolt Against And Someone To Actually Show Up And Do The Revolting. Dress Is Usually Casual And Both Parties May Be Flexible About Time And Place, But If Either Faction Fails To Attend, The Whole Enterprise Is Likely To Come Off Badly.

When I Am In New York, I Want To Be In Europe, And When I Am In Europe, I Want To Be In New York.

What A World. It Could Be So Wonderful If It Wasn't For Certain People.

I Don't Get Depressed; I Grow A Tumor Instead.

You're So Good Looking I Can Barely Keep My Eyes On The Meter.

I Have No Regard For That Kind Of Ceremony. I Just Don't Think They Know What They're Doing. When You See Who Wins Those Things-or Who Doesn't Win Them-you Can See How Meaningless This Oscar Thing Is.

I've Gained No Wisdom, No Insight, No Mellowing. I Would Make All The Same Mistakes Again, Today.

Remember, If You Smoke After Sex You're Doing It Too Fast.

I'm Really A Timid Person - I Was Beaten Up By Quakers

You Can Be With Your Wife, Very Happily Married, And Then You Meet Some Woman And You Love Her. But You Love Your Wife, Too. And You Also Love That One. Or If She's Met Some Man And She Loves The Man And She Loves You. And Then You Meet Somebody Else And Now There Are Three Of You. Why Only One Person?

I'm At The Stage Of Life When If A Girl Says No To Me I'm Profoundly Grateful To Her.

There's Nothing Good About Getting Older-absolutely Nothing-because The Amount Of Wisdom And Experience You Gain Is Negligible Compared To What You Lose. You Do Gain A Couple Of Things-you Gain A Little Bittersweet And Sour Wisdom From Your Heartbreaks And Failures And Things-but What You Lose Is So Catastrophic In Every Way.

I Don't Want To Achieve Immortality Through My Work. I Want To Achieve It Through Not Dying.

Everything Is Controlled By A Small Evil Group To Which, Unfortunately, No One We Know Belongs.

I Don't Rely On Anybody Except My Own Judgment. I Don't Get Much Input. I Don't Know If That's Helped Me Or If I Would Be Better Off If I Did Rely On Someone.

I Work For A Company That Makes Deceptively Shallow Serving Dishes For Chinese Restaurants.

That's The Way I Feel About The World: There Are Certain Problems That Can Only Be Dealt With That Way - Going Out And Doing Them. As Ugly A Truth As That Is, I Do Think It's The Truth About The World.

If I Could Change The Structure Of Existence I Would Do It. I Could See A Better Way To Live For Everybody.

Every Hooker I Ever Speak To Tells Me That It Beats The Hell Out Of Waitressing.

"boy, The Food At This Place Is Really Terrible." The Other One Says, "yeah, I Know; And Such Small Portions." Well, That's Essentially How I Feel About Life - Full Of Loneliness, And Misery, And Suffering, And Unhappiness, And It's All Over Much Too Quickly.

If You Want To Make God Laugh, Tell Him About Your Plans.

Sentence Structure Is Innate, But Whining Is Acquired.

A Stockbroker Is Someone Who Invests Other People's Money Until It Is All Gone.

There's An Old Joke - Um... Two Elderly Women Are At A Catskill Mountain Resort, And One Of 'em Says, "boy, The Food At This Place Is Really Terrible." The Other One Says, "yeah, I Know; And Such Small Portions." Well, That's Essentially How I Feel About Life - Full Of Loneliness, And Misery, And Suffering, And Unhappiness, And It's All Over Much Too Quickly.

When A Doctor Makes A Mistake, It's Best To Bury The Subject.

That’s One Of The Nice Things About Writing, Or Any Art; If The Thing’s Real, It Just Lives.

Interestingly, According To Modern Astronomers, Space Is Finite. This Is A Very Comforting Thought-particularly For People Who Can Never Remember Where They Have Left Things.

Some Drink Deeply From The River Of Knowledge. Others Only Gargle.

I Will Not Eat Oysters. I Want My Food Dead - Not Sick, Not Wounded - Dead.

When I Get Up In The Morning, I Go And I Work With Beautiful Women And Charming Men And Funny Comedians And Dramatic Artists. And I'm Presented With Costumes And Great Music To Choose From And Sets. I Travel A Certain Amount Of Places, So I've Been Living In A Bubble. And I Like It.

You Can't Ride Two Horses With One Behind.

[stanley] Kubrick Was A Great Artist And A Perfectionist. He Always Wanted The Exact Right Thing. He Did A Million Takes. Everything Had To Be Perfect. I'm An Imperfectionist. I Don't Really Care That Much About The Work. I Write Quickly. I'm Careless. I Shoot Carelessly.

He's A Politician. That's A Notch Below Child Molester.

Sex And Death. Two Things That Come But Once In My Lifetime, But At Least After Death You're Not Nauseous.

There's A Tacit Agreement Between Myself And The Audience That I Will Entertain Them When They Buy Their Ticket, And I've Been The One That Has Screwed That Up. Once In While I Indulge Myself And Try Something Else, And I Keep My Fingers Crossed That It Will Come Out Good And There'll Be Enough People Who Will Enjoy It, But That Doesn't Often Happen.

In My Next Life I Want To Live Backwards. Start Out Dead And Finish Off As An Orgasm.

The Less I Speak To The Actors, The Better. And I Always Hire Great People, And I Don't Want To Impose My Pre-conceived Notions On Them. They Know How To Play It.

I Don't Wanna Live On In My Work. I Wanna Live On In My Apartment.

What People Who Don't Write Don't Understand Is That They Think You Make Up The Line Consciously — But You Don't. It Proceeds From Your Unconscious. So It's The Same Surprise To You When It Emerges As It Is To The Audience When The Comic Says It. I Don't Think Of The Joke And Then Say It. I Say It And Then Realize What I've Said. And I Laugh At It, Because I'm Hearing It For The First Time Myself.

I'm In Show Business. I'm Not Like A Poor Factory Worker Who'd Been Laid Off.

Factory Workers

Why Does Man Kill? He Kills For Food. And Not Only Food: Frequently There Must Be A Beverage.

My Parents Stayed Together For Forty Years. But That Was Out Of Spite.

I'd Call Him A Sadistic, Hippophilic Necrophile, But That Would Be Beating A Dead Horse.

When A Man Is Driving In A Car And Looks Out The Window And Notices A Woman With A Great Body, As He Strains To Check Her Face Out, How Does She Know To Keep Turning So The Back Of Her Head Is Always Toward Him?

With Me; It's Just A Genetic Dissatisfaction With Everything.

Dissatisfaction

That (sex) Was The Most Fun I Ever Had Without Laughing.

There Is Dignity In Suffering; Nobility In Pain; But Failure Is A Salted Wound, That Burns And Burns Again!

You Always Think Another Time Would Have Been Ideal For You . . . The Reality Is There Was No Novocaine When You Went To The Dentist.

A Wife Lasts Only For The Length Of The Marriage, But An Ex-wife Is There For The Rest Of Your Life.

Eternal Nothingness Is Fine If You Happen To Be Dressed For It.

Fantasy Is Only A State Of Mind That You Can Employ When Existing In A Real Context.

Life Is Horrible, But It Is Not Relentlessly Black From Wire To Wire. You Can Sit Down And Hear A Mozart Symphony, Or You Can Watch The Marx Brothers, And This Will Give You A Pleasant Escape For A While. And That Is About The Best That You Can Do.

I Think [aging] Has Nothing To Recommend It. You Don't Gain Any Wisdom As The Years Go By. You Fall Apart, Is What Happens. People Try And Put A Nice Varnish On It, And Say, Well, You Mellow. You Come To Understand Life And Accept Things. But You'd Trade All Of That For Being 35 Again.

I Loathed Every Day And Regret Every Moment I Spent In A School.

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Claire McCaskill

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