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I Have A Limitless Amount Of Great Music At My Disposal And It's Very, Very Pleasurable Because When The Music Goes On The Film It's Amazing How Much It Livens Up The Film And Gives It An Emotional Kick In The Pants, Sort Of.

-Woody Allen

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I Have A Limitless

Woody Allen

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I Have A Limitless Amount Of Great Music At My Disposal And It's Very, Very Pleasurable Because When The Music Goes On The Film It's Amazing How Much It Livens Up The Film And Gives It An Emotional Kick In The Pants, Sort Of.

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I Can't Imagine Any Director Directing A Screenplay Of Mine, Because The Great Directors All Have Very Personal Styles, And The Ones That Don't Are Not Very Interesting Directors.

My Mind Can Never Know My Body, Although It Has Become Quite Friendly With My Legs.

Nothing Worth Knowing Can Be Understood With The Mind.

Honey! Bring Down A Copy Of My Will - And An Eraser!

What People Who Don't Write Don't Understand Is That They Think You Make Up The Line Consciously — But You Don't. It Proceeds From Your Unconscious. So It's The Same Surprise To You When It Emerges As It Is To The Audience When The Comic Says It. I Don't Think Of The Joke And Then Say It. I Say It And Then Realize What I've Said. And I Laugh At It, Because I'm Hearing It For The First Time Myself.

I Keep Getting More And More Ambitious. Over The Years, To Some Degree, In Some Areas, I Feel I've Grown. In Some Areas, I Made A Fool Of Myself. In Some Areas, I Think I Can Still Do Some Funny Things.

I'm Very Old-fashioned. I Believe That People Should Stay Married For Life, Like Pigeons And Catholics.

You Can't Control Life. It Doesn't Wind Up Perfectly. Only-only Art You Can Control. Art And Masturbation. Two Areas In Which I Am An Absolute Expert.

I Hate The Beach. I Hate The Sun. I'm Pale And I'm Redheaded. I Don't Tan - I Stroke!

Me And Nature Are Two.

When I Get Up In The Morning, I Go And I Work With Beautiful Women And Charming Men And Funny Comedians And Dramatic Artists. And I'm Presented With Costumes And Great Music To Choose From And Sets. I Travel A Certain Amount Of Places, So I've Been Living In A Bubble. And I Like It.

Yes, But The Difference Is That When You're Dead And Somebody Yells, 'everybody Up, It's Morning,' It's Very Hard To Find Your Slippers.

As I Got More Confident, I Was Able To Let Actors Improvise, And Do Long Takes. It's 10%, 5% You Learn And Experience. The Rest You Just Have Or You Don't Have.

If I Had My Life To Live Over, I Wish I Could Be A Great Pianist Or Something.

A Man That Has Never Lied To A Woman Has No Respect For Her Feelings.

You'll Live To Be A Hundred If You Give Up All The Things That Make You Want To.

What Was The Scandal? I Fell In Love With This Girl, Married Her. We Have Been Married For Almost 15 Years Now.

Sentence Structure Is Innate, But Whining Is Acquired.

My Gift Was In Comedy. I Found Out I Could Make Jokes. I Could Tell Jokes. I Could Write Them. So Over The Years, That's What I've Done.

My Relationship With American Audiences Is The Exact Same As It Always Has Been. They Never Came To See My Films, And They Don't Come Now.

Inertia Accounts For Two-thirds Of Marriages. But Love Accounts For The Other Third.

I Had An Iq Test. The Results Came Back Negative.

It Seemed The World Was Divided Into Good And Bad People. The Good Ones Slept Better While The Bad Ones Seemed To Enjoy The Waking Hours Much More.

Have You Ever Taken A Serious Political Stand On Anything? Yeah. Sure. For Twenty-four Hours Once I Refused To Eat Grapes.

As I've Gotten Older, The Parts Have Diminished. I Liked It When I Was Younger, I Could Always Play The Lead In The Movie And I Could Do All The Romantic Scenes With The Women, And It Was Fun And I Liked To Play That. Now, I'm Older And I'm Reduced To Playing The Backstage Doorman Or The Uncle Or Something. I Don't Really Love That So Occasionally, When A Part Comes Up, I'll Play It.

I Think That The Tendency For Most People Is To Fall Back On A Comic Interpretation Of Things Because Things Are So Sad, So Terrible. If You Didn't Laugh You'd Kill Yourself. But The Truth Of The Matter Is That Existence In General Is Very Very Tragic, Very Very Sad, Very Brutal And Very Unhappy.

It's Very Hard To Keep Your Spirits Up. You've Got To Keep Selling Yourself A Bill Of Goods, And Some People Are Better At Lying To Themselves Than Others. If You Face Reality Too Much, It Kills You.... You've Got To Find An Answer To The Question: Why Go On?

Problems Are Like Toilet Paper. You Pull On One And Ten More Come.

My Success Has Allowed Me To Strike Out With A Higher Class Of Women.

Some Women Feel Power Is Important, Some Women Feel That Looks Are Important, Tenderness, Intelligence...but Sense Of Humor Seems To Permeate All Of Them.

I Prefer To Achieve Immortality By Not Dying.

I Failed To Make The Chess Team Because Of My Height.

There Have Been Times When I've Thought About It - But With My Luck It Would Probably Turn Out To Be Only A Temporary Solution.

I Don't Know The Question, But Sex Is Definitely The Answer.

In Short, The Best Thing To Do Is Behave In A Manner Befitting One's Age. If You Are Sixteen Or Under, Try Not To Go Bald.

I've Never Felt Truth Was Beauty. Never. I've Always Felt That People Can't Take Too Much Reality. I Like Being In Ingmar Bergman's World. Or In Louis Armstrong's World. Or In The World Of The New York Knicks. Because It's Not This World. You Spend Your Whole Life Searching For A Way Out. You Just Get An Overdose Of Reality, You Know, And It's A Terrible Thing. I'm Always Fighting Against Reality.

Marriage? That's For Life! It's Like Cement!

Having Sex Is Like Playing Bridge. If You Don't Have A Good Partner, You'd Better Have A Good Hand.

Retirement Is A Very Subjective Thing. There Are Guys I Know Who Retire And They're Very Happy And They Never Miss Work At All. I Can't See Myself Retiring And Fondling A Dog Every Day. I Like To Get Up And Work And Go Out. I Have Too Much Energy Or Too Much Nervous Anxiety Or Something. So I Don't See Myself Retiring. Maybe I Will Suddenly Get A Stroke Or A Heart Attack And I Will Be Forced To Retire, But If My Health Holds Out I Don't Expect To Retire.

I, Interestingly, Had Dated A Woman In The Eisenhower Administration Briefly, And It Was Ironic To Me 'cause I Was Trying To Do Toher What Eisenhower Has Been Doing To The Country For The Last Eight Years.

History Is The Same Thing Over And Over Again.

Fitness Motivational

Temporary Insanity

Writing Is Great Because In The Writing You Never Have To... First Of All You Never Have To Leave Your Home. And You Never Have To Meet The Test Of Reality When You're Writing.

For God Sakes, This Is A Woman I Was Married To For 10 Years. We Made Love. I'd Hold Her Head Over The Toilet Bowl When She Threw Up.

I Like Filming In New York A Lot Myself, But London Is Accommodating To Me; The Weather's Very Good There And The Conditions For Shooting And The Financial Conditions, The Artistic Conditions Are Good, So It's A Pleasant Place To Shoot.

When I'm Not Working, I Think And I Think When I Get Depressed.

There Is No Question That There Is An Unseen World. The Problem Is, How Far Is It From Midtown And How Late Is It Open?

Life Is Horrible, But It Is Not Relentlessly Black From Wire To Wire. You Can Sit Down And Hear A Mozart Symphony, Or You Can Watch The Marx Brothers, And This Will Give You A Pleasant Escape For A While. And That Is About The Best That You Can Do.

It Is Impossible To Experience One's Death Objectively And Still Carry A Tune.

Money Is Better Than Poverty, If Only For Financial Reasons.

My Brain? It's My Second Favorite Organ!

I Want To Tell You A Terrific Story About Oral Contraception. I Asked This Girl To Sleep With Me And She Said 'no.

I Don't Believe In An Afterlife, But I'm Taking An Extra Pair Of Underwear Just In Case.

I Once Stole A Pornographic Book That Was Printed In Braille. I Used To Rub The Dirty Parts.

I'm Awash In Self-contempt!

Who Bothers To Cook Tv Dinners? I Suck Them Frozen.

Comedians Have A Tendency To Have A Limited Range, They Tend To Do One Thing And Do It Very Well, But It's Limited.

The Audience Goes To Sleep Really Quickly! If You Have A Slight Pause At The Wrong Time, That's It!

Life Is A Tragedy Filled With Suffering And Despair And Yet Some People Do Manage To Avoid Jury Duty.

Do I Believe In God? I Did Until Mother's Accident. She Fell On Some Meat Loaf And It Penetrated Her Spleen.

I Think Crime Pays. The Hours Are Good, You Travel A Lot

What Is It About Death That Bothers Me? Probably The Hours.

Then Job Fell To His Knees And Cried To The Lord, "thine Is The Kingdom And The Power And Glory. Thou Hast A Good Job. Don't Blow It."

Well, Trouble's My Middle Name. Actually, My Middle Name Is Marion, But I Don't Want You Spreading That Around.

Years Ago I Was On Television Having A Discussion With Billy Graham About Atheism. He Was Saying, Even If You're Right And I'm Wrong, And There's Nothing After, I Will Have Had A Better Life Than You, Because I Do Believe There Was Something. And I Couldn't Argue With That, Even Though I Wanted To.

My Films Are Misinterpreted All The Time. I Don't Mind That. Everybody's Films Are Misinterpreted. But There's No Malice Or Stupidity In The People That Misinterpret Them. You Know What You Do, But Someone Else Sees It, And They Want To Talk About It Or Write About It, And So They Misinterpret Them.

Man Cannot Live By Bread Alone. Every Once In Awhile He Needs A Salad.

I Took A Test In Existentialism. I Left All The Answers Blank And Got 100.

I Never Knew What Amazon Was. I've Never Seen Any Of Those Series, Even On Cable. I've Never Seen The Sopranos, Or Mad Men. I'm Out Every Night And When I Come Home, I Watch The End Of The Baseball Or Basketball Game, And There's Charlie Rose And I Go To Sleep.

I Had A Terrible Education. I Attended A School For Emotionally Disturbed Teachers.

There Are Three Things Jewish People Worship-god, Chinese Food And Wall-to-wall Carpeting.

You're Still In Love' 'no I'm Not, I'm Not She'll Always Be A Part Of Me, And She's An Important Person In My Life But For The Two Of Us Something Wasn't Working.' 'what Element?' 'we Never Found Out

No Matter What The Shrinks, Or The Pundits, Or The Self-help Books Tell You, When It Comes To Love, It's Luck.

There's Something About My Films; They're Informed By My Sensibility. I Have The Same Preoccupations, The Same Interests... There's Just Something In The Nuance, And So You Always Know It's A Film Of Mine Whether I Sign My Name To It Or Not.

I Work All The Time Because It's A Great Distraction And It Keeps Me From Sitting Home And Obsessing Morbidly.

The Whole Concept Of Awards Is Silly. I Cannot Abide By The Judgment Of Other People, Because If You Accept It When They Say You Deserve An Award, Then You Have To Accept It When They Say You Don't.

If I Could Change The Structure Of Existence I Would Do It. I Could See A Better Way To Live For Everybody.

Not Think Of Death As An End, But Think Of It More As A Very Effective Way Of Cutting Down On Your Expenses.

More Than At Any Other Time In History, Mankind Faces A Crossroads. One Path Leads To Despair And Utter Hopelessness. The Other, To Total Extinction. Let Us Pray We Have The Wisdom To Choose Correctly. I Speak, By The Way, Not With Any Sense Of Futility, But With A Panicky Conviction Of The Absolute Meaninglessness Of Existence Which Could Easily Be Misinterpreted As Pessimism. It Is Not. It Is Merely A Healthy Concern For The Predicament Of Modern Man.

I Don't Like Theatrical Actors And Actresses. I Like People That Talk Like Real Human Beings.

I Work For A Company That Makes Deceptively Shallow Serving Dishes For Chinese Restaurants.

. . . They Confuse Everything I Do With My Life.

Those Modern Analysts, They Charge So Much! In My Day, For Five Marks Freud Himself Would Treat You. For Ten Marks He Would Treat You And Press Your Pants. For Fifteen Marks Freud Would Let You Treat Him - That Included A Choice Of Any Two Vegetables.

[an Audience Conditioned By A Lifetime Of Television-watching Is So Corrupted That] Their Standards Have Been Systematically Lowered Over The Years. These Guys Sit In Front Of Their Sets And The Gamma Rays Eat The White Cells Of Their Brains Out!

Television Watching

The Great Question Of Philosophy Remains: If Life Is Meaningless, What Can Be Done About Alphabet Soup?

A Fast Word About Oral Contraception. I Was Involved In An Extremely Good Example Of Oral Contraception Two Weeks Ago. I Asked A Girl To Go To Bed With Me, She Said 'no'.

I Do Feel It's Important To Have Some Kind Of Faith In Something, But [it Is] Impossible For Many Of Us. I Personally Don't Have Any Faith In Anything, But It's Great If You Can.

I Wish I Could Think Of A Positive Point To Leave You With. Will You Take Two Negative Points?

I Didn't Know He Was Dead; I Thought He Was British.

I Can't Enjoy Anything Unless Everybody Is. If One Guy Is Starving Someplace, That Puts A Crimp In My Evening.

Showing Up Is 80 Percent Of Life.

None Of The Arts Are Any Good Unless You Really Are Great At Them.

Comedy Just Pokes At Problems, Rarely Confronts Them Squarely. Drama Is Like A Plate Of Meat And Potatoes, Comedy Is Rather The Dessert, A Bit Like Meringue.

People Always Ask Me, Do You Ever Think You'll Wake Up One Morning And Not Be Funny? That Thought Would Never Occur To Me--it's An Odd Thought And Not Realistic. Because Funny And Me Are Not Separate. We're One.

In Certain Areas I Don't Function Well And In Other Areas I Function Very Well. I'm Very Good Professionally. I Have Good Discipline, I'm Able To Write Every Day And Do Films And Not Go Six Times Over The Budget. I Mean I'm A Coherent Person, But I Also Don't Like To Go Through Tunnels When I Travel. I'm Claustrophobic.

Let's Say There Was A Burning Building And You Could Rush In And You Could Save Only One Thing: Either The Last Known Copy Of Shakespeare's Plays Or Some Anonymous Human Being. What Would You Do?

I Don't Own A Computer. I've Never Seen Anything Online At All - Nothing. I Don't Own A Word Processor. I Have None Of That Stuff. It's Not An Act Of Rebellion. I'm Just Not A Gadget Person.

My Grandfather Was A Very Insignificant Man, Actually. At His Funeral His Hearse Followed The Other Cars.

Reality May Not Be The Best Of All Possible Worlds, But It's Still The Only Place Where You Can Get A Decent Steak.

The Last Woman I Was In Was The Statue Of Liberty.

Time Is Nature's Way Of Keeping Everything From Happening At Once.

Sometimes Some Of The Best Moments Are Contributed By The Actors Being Creative, With Their Own Improvisations.

As A Boy, I Was Ashamed To Wear Glasses. I Memorized The Eye Chart, And Then On The Test They Asked Essay Questions.

He's A Genius, She's A Genius, Wow, You Know Alot Of Geniuses, You Should Meet Some Stupid People Sometime, You Might Learn Something

I Don't Believe In The After Life, Although I Am Bringing A Change Of Underwear.

Since I Was A Kid, I Could Make Up Stories, I Could Make Up Funny Jokes And I Could Always Do It. When I'm Walking Down The Street Or Having Dinner, Ideas Will Hit Me, And I Write Them Down On Matchbooks Or Napkins And Throw Them In The Draw.

Some People Think About Sex All The Time; Some People Think Of Sex Some Of The Time; And Some People Never Think About Sex: They Become Lawyers.

When I Was Kidnapped, My Parents Snapped Into Action. They Rented Out My Room.

Human Existence Is A Brutal Experience To Me... It's A Brutal, Meaningless Experience - An Agonizing, Meaningless Experience With Some Oases, Delight, Some Charm And Peace, But These Are Just Small Oases. Overall, It Is A Brutal, Terrible Experience, And So It Salvation Is What Can You Do To Alleviate The Agony Of The Human Condition, The Human Predicament? That Is What Interests Me The Most.

The Last Time I Was Inside A Woman Was When I Went To The Statue Of Liberty.

To You I'm An Atheist; To God, I'm The Loyal Opposition.

Another Good Thing About Being Poor Is That When You Are Seventy Your Children Will Not Have You Declared Legally Insane In Order To Gain Control Of Your Estate.

The Wicked At Heart Probably Know Something.

There's Nothing Good About Getting Older-absolutely Nothing-because The Amount Of Wisdom And Experience You Gain Is Negligible Compared To What You Lose. You Do Gain A Couple Of Things-you Gain A Little Bittersweet And Sour Wisdom From Your Heartbreaks And Failures And Things-but What You Lose Is So Catastrophic In Every Way.

The French Make Two Mistakes About Me. They Think I'm An Intellectual Because I Wear These Glasses And They Think I'm An Artist Because My Films Lose Money.

When I Started Out, I Was A Television Writer, And We Wrote A Television Show That Was On Live Every Week. And You Didn't Have The Luxury Of Coming In And Waiting To Be Inspired. You Came In And You Had To Write. And You Wrote, Because It Was Going To Be Live On The Air. So I Can Do That.

Right Now It's Only A Notion, But I Think I Can Get The Money To Make It Into A Concept, And Later Turn It Into An Idea.

Life Is Divided Into The Horrible And The Miserable.

These Were Always Obsessions Of Mine, Even As A Very Young Child. These Were Things That Interested Me As The Years Went On. My Friends Were More Preoccupied With Social Issues - Issues Such As Abortion, Racial Discrimination, And Communism - And Those Issues Just Never Caught My Interest. Of Course They Mattered To Me As A Citizen To Some Degree...but They Never Really Caught My Attention Artistically.

Men Learn To Love The Woman They Are Attracted To. Women Learn To Become Attracted To The Man They Fall In Love With.

Falling In Love

In New York State They Have A Strange Law That Says You Can't Get A Divorce Unless You Can Prove Adultery - And It's Weird, Because The Ten Commandments Say 'thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.' But New York State Says You Have To. Well, Finally, What Happened Was That My Wife Committed Adultery For Me. She's Always Been More Mechanically Inclined Than I Have.

This Stuff Tastes Awful; I Could Have Made A Fortune Selling It In My Health-food Store.

You Always Think Another Time Would Have Been Ideal For You . . . The Reality Is There Was No Novocaine When You Went To The Dentist.

Paris Is Particularly Beautiful In The Rain. It Was Just A Nice Experience For Me, A Pleasant Experience, And I Was Able To Present It To The World Through My Eyes, Very Subjectively - Not Realistically, But Subjectively.

I Love The Rain - It Washes Memories Off The Sidewalk Of Life.

If I Just Got Up In The Morning And Had No Place To Go And Was Retired Or Something, I Would Be Sitting There And Be Thinking, "gee, What Is The Purpose Of Life? Why Are We All Finite? Why Do We Get Old And Die? Is There Nothing Out There? Why Is It So Tragic? Why Do Our Loved Ones Perish? Why Do We Generate?" Who Wants To Think About That Stuff?

Man Was Made In God`s Image. Do You Really Think God Has Red Hair And Glasses?

Those Who Can't Do, Teach!

The Chief Problem About Death, Incidentally, Is The Fear That There May Be No Afterlife - A Depressing Thought, Particularly For Those Who Bothered To Shave. Also, There Is The Fear That There Is An Afterlife But No One Will Know Where It's Being Held. On The Plus Side, Death Is One Of The Few Things That Can Be Done As Easily Laying Down.

Gauguin Flew Into A Frenzy! He Held My Head Under The X-ray Machine For Ten Straight Minutes And For Several Hours After I Could Not Blink My Eyes In Unison." — "if The Impressionists Had Been Dentists

All Literature Is A Footnote To Faust. I Have No Idea What I Mean By That.

I Was In Analysis For Years Because Of A Traumatic Childhood; I Was Breast-fed Through Falsies.

It's Just Gossip, You Know. Gossip Is The New Pornography.

I Said This To My Daughter, If You Don't Practice The Guitar, When You Get Older You Wouldn't Be Able To Play It. It's That Simple. If You Want To Play The Guitar, You Put A Half Hour In Everyday, But You Have To Do It.

The Important Thing, I Think, Is Not To Be Bitter. You Know, If It Turns Out That There Is A God, I Don't Think That He's Evil. I Think That The Worst Thing You Could Say About Him Is That Basically He's An Underachiever. After All, You Know, There Are Worse Things In Life Than Death.

There Are Worse Things Than Death. Many Of Them Playing At A Theater Near You.

You Are Always A Comedian By Default. You Are This Way Because You've Been Forced To Be This Way, But It Is Better To Be The Hero. So If You Can Be A Persona, The Great One Of My Lifetime Of Course Was And Is Marlon Brando.

Is Knowledge Knowable? If Not, How Do We Know?

I Never Ever See A Film Of Mine After I Release It To The Public. I See It When I Shoot It In My Dailies And While I'm Editing It, Re-editing It And Reshooting It And All That. By The Time It's Finished I Never Want To See It Again.

I'm A Creature Of The New York City Streets.

I Was The Captain Of The Latent Paranoid Softball Team. We Used To Play All The Neurotics On Sunday Morning. Nailbiters Against The Bedwetters, And If You've Never Seen Neurotics Play Softball, It's Really Funny. I Used To Steal Second Base, And Feel Guilty And Go Back.

And My Parents Finally Realize I'm Kidnapped And They Snap Into Action Immediately: They Rent Out My Room.

I Am Not Afraid Of Death. I Just Don't Want To Be There When It Happens.

Our Love, Our Love Will Last Forever. It's Forever But It Just Doesn't Work. That's Why It Will Always Be Romantic Because It Can Not Be Complete.

It Has Become Harder And Harder In The United States To Make Films Unhampered By Outside Influences. I've Always Been Able To Steer Clear Of That And Keep The Business People Out Of My Hair Completely.

Who's The Bigger Idiot, The Idiot Or The Idiot Who Gets Fooled By The Idiot?

And In All Of Babylonia There Was Wailing And Gnashing Of Teeth, 'til The Prophets Bade The Multitudes Get A Grip On Themselves And Shape Up.

I Don't Know Enough To Be Incompetent.

Some Drink Deeply From The River Of Knowledge. Others Only Gargle.

I Loathed Every Day And Regret Every Day I Spent In School. I Like To Be Taught To Read And Write And Add And Then Be Left Alone.

Ads Answered Out Of Desperation In The New York Review Of Books Proved Equally Futile As…the 'bay Area Bisexual' Told Me I Didn't Quite Coincide With Either Of Her Desires.

The Curtain Rises On A Vast Primitive Wasteland, Not Unlike Certain Parts Of New Jersey.

I Don't Inhale Because It Gives You Cancer, But I Look So Incredibly Handsome With A Cigarette That I Can't Not Hold One.

Don't Knock Masturbation. It's Sex With Someone I Love.

I Was Raised In The Jewish Tradition, Taught Never To Marry A Gentile Woman, Shave On A Saturday Night And, Most Especially, Never To Shave A Gentile Woman On A Saturday Night.

Jewish Tradition

I Can Levitate Birds. No One Cares.

I'd Call Him A Sadistic, Hippophilic Necrophile, But That Would Be Beating A Dead Horse.

If You Take A Frown And Turn It Upside Down, The Person You Are Holding By The Ankles Will Soon Pass Out.

For Some Reason It Gives People Pleasure To Equate The Life Of Certain Movie Actors Or Actresses With Their Actual Lives.

At The Trial Stubbs Chose To Act As His Own Lawyer, But A Conflict Over His Fee Led To Ill Feelings.

If It Turns Out That There Is A God...the Worst That You Can Say About Him Is That Basically He's An Underachiever.

The Only Love That Lasts Is Unrequited Love.

Last Year I Had Difficulty With My Income Tax. I Tried To Take My Analyst Off As A Business Deduction. The Government Said It Was Entertainment. We Compromised Finally And Made It A Religious Contribution.

My Father Owned A Small Piece Of Land. He Carried It With Him Wherever He Went.

Life Is Unresolved, Confusing, Bewildering, Puzzling, Ambiguous. You Don't Really Know What's Going To Happen. The Future Is Uncertain For Everybody.

You Know What My Philosophy Of Life Is? That It’s Important To Have Some Laughs, But You Got To Suffer A Little Too, Because Otherwise You Miss The Whole Point To Life.

In Real Life, Keaton Believes In God. But She Also Believes That The Radio Works Because There Are Tiny People Inside It.

In Order To Be Successful, All You've Got To Do Is Show Up 80 Percent Of The Time.

Chastity Is Curable, If Detected Early.

I Read In Self-defense.

The Prettiest Women Are Almost Always The Most Boring, And That Is Why Some People Feel There Is No God.

There Is No God

I Can't Understand Why More People Aren't Bisexual. It Would Double Your Chances For A Date On Saturday Night.

How Am I Immature? Intellectually, Emotionally, And Sexually. Yeah, But In What Other Ways?

Dying Is One Of The Few Things That Can Be Done As Easily Lying Down.

There Are Worse Things In Life Than Death. Have You Ever Spent An Evening With An Insurance Salesman?

Every Hooker I Ever Speak To Tells Me That It Beats The Hell Out Of Waitressing.

That’s One Of The Nice Things About Writing, Or Any Art; If The Thing’s Real, It Just Lives. All The Attendant Hoopla About It, The Success Over It Or The Critical Rejection—none Of That Really Matters. In The End, The Thing Will Survive Or Not On Its Own Merits. Not That Immortality Via Art Is Any Big Deal. Truffaut Died, And We All Felt Awful About It, And There Were The Appropriate Eulogies, And His Wonderful Films Live On. But It’s Not Much Help To Truffaut.

A Wife Lasts Only For The Length Of The Marriage, But An Ex-wife Is There For The Rest Of Your Life.

New York Is My Home And I Have A Particular Fondness For It. I Think It's A Place Where You Can Generate Any Kind Of Story Wonderfully. But I Also Would Be Very Happy To Make A Film In Paris Or Rome.

If You Pursue The Other Woman, It's A Losing Situation And It's Not Good For Your Relationship Or Your Marriage. If Your Marriage Is Open And You're Allowed To, That's No Good Either. There's No Way, Really In The End, To Be Happy Unless You Get Very Lucky.

Your Self-esteem Is A Notch Below Kafka.

Sex Alleviates Tension. Love Causes It.

If You Want To Make God Laugh, Tell Him About Your Plans.

The Process Of Making Films Is So Technically Demanding That It's A Distraction. You Don't Spend Your Time Thinking About The Philosophical Content, Which Is Often Very Depressing.

I Don't Respond Well To Mellow, You Know What I Mean, I Have A Tendency To... If I Get Too Mellow, I Ripen And Then Rot.

I Always Felt That The Problems Of The World Would Never Ever Be Solved Until People Came To Terms With The Deeper Issues [spiritual] - That There Would Be An Aimless Reshuffling Of World Leaders And Governments And Programs.

Your Audience Teaches You How To Be Funny.

If God Exists, I Hope He Has A Good Excuse.

Eternal Nothingness Is Fine If You Happen To Be Dressed For It.

When One Chooses To Be A Writer, Psychologically There's A Reason For That Because You Like The Isolation And You Like To Be By Yourself And You Are By Nature Timid.

With Films, I Just Scribble A Couple Of Notes For A Scene. You Don't Have To Do Any Writing At All, You Just Have Your Notes For The Scene, Which Are Written With The Actors And The Camera In Mind. The Actual Script Is A Necessity For Casting And Budgeting, But The End Product Often Doesn't Bear Much Resemblance To The Script--at Least In My Case.

I Think Universal Harmony Is A Pipedream And It May Be More Productive To Focus On More Modest Goals, Like A Ban On Yodeling.

Astronomers Say The Universe Is Finite, Which Is A Comforting Thought For Those People Who Can't Remember Where They Leave Things.

What I Do Know About Physics Is That To A Man Standing On The Shore, Time Passes Quicker Than To A Man On A Boat - Especially If The Man On The Boat Is With His Wife.

If Only God Would Give Me Some Clear Sign! Like Making A Large Deposit In My Name At A Swiss Bank.

After 60, All Of Us Belong To The Weaker Sex.

Sex And Death. Two Things That Come But Once In My Lifetime, But At Least After Death You're Not Nauseous.

I've Always Been Lucky In Casting. The Trick In Casting Is To Hire Great People, And Let Them Do What They Do, Don't Interfere With Them Too Much. And Then When They're Great, Take Credit For It In The End.

I Don't Like To Reminisce Much, And My Walls Don't Have Photographs Of Me And The Actors I Was With, Or Any Of That Stuff... I Try And Keep That Disciplined, And Just Work. There Are So Many Traps You Can Get Into, And Looking Back On Your Own Work Is Certainly One Of Them.

My Father Worked For The Same Firm For 12 Years. They Fired Him And Replaced Him With A Tiny Gadget That Does Everything My Father Does, Only Much Better. The Depressing Thing Is My Mother Ran Out And Bought One

When I Was A Young Man, My Friends And I And All Of Us In New York Were Very Influenced By French Cinema. French Cinema Played An Enormous Influence On Those Of Us Who Wanted To Be Filmmakers.

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