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I'll Work By Myself For Years And Then I'll Think It'll Be Fun To Et One Of My Friends Like Marshall Brickman Or Doug Mcgrath Into A Room And Not Be Alone For The Writing Of The Thing; To Have The Pleasure Of Taking Walks And Get Lunch Together; Its Sort Of A Fun Process And Then I Do It And Then I Get Back On My Own For A While Until I Feel The Need To Do It Again.

-Woody Allen

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I'll Work By Myself

Woody Allen

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I'll Work By Myself For Years And Then I'll Think It'll Be Fun To Et One Of My Friends Like Marshall Brickman Or Doug Mcgrath Into A Room And Not Be Alone For The Writing Of The Thing; To Have The Pleasure Of Taking Walks And Get Lunch Together; Its Sort Of A Fun Process And Then I Do It And Then I Get Back On My Own For A While Until I Feel The Need To Do It Again.

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I Think Universal Harmony Is A Pipedream And It May Be More Productive To Focus On More Modest Goals, Like A Ban On Yodeling.

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The Chief Problem About Death, Incidentally, Is The Fear That There May Be No Afterlife - A Depressing Thought, Particularly For Those Who Bothered To Shave. Also, There Is The Fear That There Is An Afterlife But No One Will Know Where It's Being Held. On The Plus Side, Death Is One Of The Few Things That Can Be Done As Easily Laying Down.

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I'd Never Join A Club That Would Allow A Person Like Me To Become A Member.

I Was In Analysis. I Was Suicidal. As A Matter Of Fact, I Would Have Killed Myself, But I Was In Analysis With A Strict Freudian And If You Kill Yourself They Make You Pay For The Sessions You Miss.

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I Think Being Funny Is Not Anyone's First Choice.

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I Have Bad Reflexes. I Was Once Run Over By A Car Being Pushed By Two Guys.

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There's No Point In Looking Back, Because There's Nothing You Can Really Do To Improve The Film. You Can Only Aggravate And Wish You Had Done Stuff Better.

Don't Knock Masturbation. It's Sex With Someone I Love.

I Just Can't Listen To Any More Wagner, You Know...i'm Starting To Get The Urge To Conquer Poland.

If It Turns Out That There Is A God...the Worst That You Can Say About Him Is That Basically He's An Underachiever.

Sex Is The Most Fun You Can Have Without Laughing.

I Don't Know What I Want, But I Know What I Don't Want

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I Don't Believe In An Afterlife, But I'm Taking An Extra Pair Of Underwear Just In Case.

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Nothing Worth Knowing Can Be Understood With The Mind.

I Don't Fear Death. - I Just Don't Want To Be Around When It Happens.

I Was Raised In A Religious Home. It Was Unreasonable Enforced Religion That Turned Me Off It. It Was A Joyless, Unpleasant, Stupid, Barbaric Thing When I Was A Child And I've Never Gotten Over That Feeling. If You're Talking About Religion It's One Thing; I Don't Hold Jewish Religion With Any More Seriousness Than I Would Any Other.

There Are Three Things Jewish People Worship-god, Chinese Food And Wall-to-wall Carpeting.

I Was In Analysis For Years Because Of A Traumatic Childhood; I Was Breast-fed Through Falsies.

I See The Glass Half Full...but Of Poison.

You Are Much More Dependent On Luck Than You Think. People Say If You Want To Have A Good Relationship, You Have To Work At It. But You Never Hear It About Anything You Really Like, About Sailing Or Going To Soccer Games.

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Is Knowledge Knowable? If Not, How Do We Know?

There Is Dignity In Suffering; Nobility In Pain; But Failure Is A Salted Wound, That Burns And Burns Again!

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Regarding Love What Can You Say? It's Not The Quantity Of Your Sexual Relations That Counts. It's The Quality. On The Other Hand If The Quantity Drops Below Once Every Eight Months, I Would Definitely Look Into It.

Many People Who Get A Lot Of Money Are Willing To Work With Me For No Money. This Is True.

When We Played Softball, I'd Steal Second Base, Feel Guilty And Go Back.

I Never Knew What Amazon Was. I've Never Seen Any Of Those Series, Even On Cable. I've Never Seen The Sopranos, Or Mad Men. I'm Out Every Night And When I Come Home, I Watch The End Of The Baseball Or Basketball Game, And There's Charlie Rose And I Go To Sleep.

I Enjoy The Making Of The Film And It's Something For Me To Do. If Nobody Ever Comes To My Films, If People Don't Want To Give Me Money To Make Films, That Will Stop Me. But As Long As People Come All Over The World And I Have An Audience And I Have Ideas For Films, I Will Do Them For As Long As I Enjoy The Process. And I Like The Whole Process Of Making A Film.

The Chief Problem About Death ... Is The Fear That There May Be No Afterlife - A Depressing Thought.

My Wife Is Immature. Whenever I Take A Bath, She Sinks My Boats.

I Call That Mind Free Which Jealously Guards Its Intellectual Rights And Powers, Which Calls No Man Master, Which Does Not Content Itself With A Passive Or Hereditary Faith, [and] Receives New Truth As An Angel From Heaven.

Film Is More Of Novelty, Because I've Done So Much Theater Over Many Years. I'm In Love With Making Movies. Also, I Find It Easier To Remember Three Minutes Of Dialogue Than Three Hours.

The Important Thing, I Think, Is Not To Be Bitter. You Know, If It Turns Out That There Is A God, I Don't Think That He's Evil. I Think That The Worst Thing You Could Say About Him Is That Basically He's An Underachiever. After All, You Know, There Are Worse Things In Life Than Death.

I Think You Should Defend To The Death Their Right To March, And Then Go Down And Meet Them With Baseball Bats. (on The Kkk)

Every Hooker I Ever Speak To Tells Me That It Beats The Hell Out Of Waitressing.

Everyone Wants To Get Out Of Living Where They're Living Now, Because Life Is A Pretty Tough Proposition And Not Much Fun. But When You Think Back To Earlier Times, You Only Extrapolate The Nice Things.

How Can I Believe In God When Just Last Week I Got My Tongue Caught In The Roller Of An Electric Typewriter?

Should I Marry W.? Not If She Won't Tell Me The Other Letters In Her Name.

I Believe There Is Something Out There Watching Us. Unfortunately, It's The Government.

The Heart Wants What It Wants. There's No Logic To These Things. You Meet Someone And You Fall In Love And That's That.

Pale, Nervous Girls With Black-rimmed Glasses And Blunt-cut Hair Lolled Around On Sofas, Riffling Penguin Classics Provocatively. [...] But It Wasn’t Just Intellectual Experiences—they Were Peddling Emotional Ones, Too. For Fifty Bucks, I Learned, You Could “relate Without Getting Close.” For A Hundred, A Girl Would Lend You Her Bartok Records, Have Dinner, And Then Let You Watch While She Had An Anxiety Attack.

If You Pursue The Other Woman, It's A Losing Situation And It's Not Good For Your Relationship Or Your Marriage. If Your Marriage Is Open And You're Allowed To, That's No Good Either. There's No Way, Really In The End, To Be Happy Unless You Get Very Lucky.

In Life, One Is Entitled To A Side Dish Of Either Coleslaw Or Potato Salad, And The Choice Must Be Made In Terror, With The Knowledge That Not Only Is Our Time On Earth Limited But Most Kitchens Close At Ten.

I've Never Felt Truth Was Beauty. Never. I've Always Felt That People Can't Take Too Much Reality. I Like Being In Ingmar Bergman's World. Or In Louis Armstrong's World. Or In The World Of The New York Knicks. Because It's Not This World. You Spend Your Whole Life Searching For A Way Out. You Just Get An Overdose Of Reality, You Know, And It's A Terrible Thing. I'm Always Fighting Against Reality.

I've Had A Very Productive Life. I've Worked Very Hard, I've Never Fallen Prey To Depression. I'm Not Sure I Could Have Done All Of That Without Being In Psychoanalysis.

Productive Life

Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean They Aren't Out To Get You.

Let's Say There Was No Terrorism Whatsoever And We Were All Very Nice To One Another And We Were All Kind, We Still Would Be Faced With An Extremely Cruel And Hostile Universe And Existence And So I'm A Great Pessimist And I Feel That It's Impossible Really To Be Happy, And That The Best You Can Hope For Is To Be Distracted.

My Mother Never Had Time For Me. When You're The Middle Child In A Family Of Five Million, You Don't Get Any Attention.

The Prison Psychiatrist Asked Me If I Thought Sex Was Dirty. I Told Him Only When It's Done Right.

If God Exists, I Hope He Has A Good Excuse.

The Curtain Rises On A Vast Primitive Wasteland, Not Unlike Certain Parts Of New Jersey.

That’s One Of The Nice Things About Writing, Or Any Art; If The Thing’s Real, It Just Lives.

If There Is Reincarnation, I'd Like To Come Back As Warren Beatty's Fingertips.

Every Time You Make A Movie It's A New And Different Experience. You Learn Very Little From The Past. So, I'm A Little Bit Better Than I Was When I First Started.

Different Experiences

You Know What My Philosophy Of Life Is? That It’s Important To Have Some Laughs, But You Got To Suffer A Little Too, Because Otherwise You Miss The Whole Point To Life.

Because It's Much More Pleasant To Be Obsessed Over How The Hero Gets Out Of His Predicament Than It Is Over How I Get Out Of Mine.

In California, They Don't Throw Their Garbage Away - They Make It Into Tv Shows.

[an Audience Conditioned By A Lifetime Of Television-watching Is So Corrupted That] Their Standards Have Been Systematically Lowered Over The Years. These Guys Sit In Front Of Their Sets And The Gamma Rays Eat The White Cells Of Their Brains Out!

Television Watching

I Once Stole A Pornographic Book That Was Printed In Braille. I Used To Rub The Dirty Parts.

I Don't Inhale Because It Gives You Cancer, But I Look So Incredibly Handsome With A Cigarette That I Can't Not Hold One.

I Wish My Parents Had Raised Me In Manhattan Because I Think It's The Greatest Thing You Can Do For A Kid Is To Raise Them In New York City. I Can See This With My Own Children.

I Consider Myself A Completely Lucky Filmmaker. I've Had Nothing But Good Luck. Everything I've Needed Has Come My Way.

Is It Better To Be The Lover Or The Loved One? Neither, If Your Cholesterol Is Over Six Hundred. By Love, Of Course, I Refer To Romantic Love -- The Love Between Man And Woman, Rather Than Between Mother And Child, Or A Boy And His Dog, Or Two Headwaiters.

If My Films Make One More Person Miserable, I'll Feel I Have Done My Job.

I Hope You're Getting This Down.

The True Test Of Maturity Is Not How Old A Person Is But How He Reacts To Awakening In The Mid-town Area In His Shorts.

Money Is Not Everything, But It Is Better Than Having One's Health.

To Love Is To Suffer. To Avoid Suffering One Must Not Love. But Then One Suffers From Not Loving. Therefore, To Love Is To Suffer; Not To Love Is To Suffer; To Suffer Is To Suffer. To Be Happy Is To Love. To Be Happy, Then, Is To Suffer, But Suffering Makes One Unhappy. Therefore, To Be Happy One Must Love Or Love To Suffer Or Suffer From Too Much Happiness.

No One Ever Wants The Whole Script. I Give The Whole Script To People Who Require The Whole Script But To Those People Who Don't Require The Whole Script I Don't Give It To Them And No One Cares. They're Relieved Not To Have To Read Extra Pages That They're Not In.

I'm Such A Good Lover Because I Practice A Lot On My Own.

Life Is A Tragedy Filled With Suffering And Despair And Yet Some People Do Manage To Avoid Jury Duty.

What I Do Know About Physics Is That To A Man Standing On The Shore, Time Passes Quicker Than To A Man On A Boat - Especially If The Man On The Boat Is With His Wife.

If I Could Only See One Miracle, Just One Miracle. Like A Burning Bush, Or The Seas Part, Or My Uncle Sasha Pick Up A Check.

I'll Work By Myself For Years And Then I'll Think It'll Be Fun To Et One Of My Friends Like Marshall Brickman Or Doug Mcgrath Into A Room And Not Be Alone For The Writing Of The Thing; To Have The Pleasure Of Taking Walks And Get Lunch Together; Its Sort Of A Fun Process And Then I Do It And Then I Get Back On My Own For A While Until I Feel The Need To Do It Again.

One Of The Interesting Things Is, The Most Gifted People, The Biggest People, Have No Problem Taking Small Roles.

I'm Not Saying I Didn't Enjoy Myself, But I Didn't.

You Can't Control Life. It Doesn't Wind Up Perfectly. Only-only Art You Can Control. Art And Masturbation. Two Areas In Which I Am An Absolute Expert.

I Tended To Place My Wife Under A Pedestal.

Error, No Keyboard. Press F1 To Continue.

Honey, You're The One Who Stopped Sleeping With Me, Ok? It'll Be A Year Come April 20th. I Remember The Date Exactly, Because It Was Hitler's Birthday

I've Gained No Wisdom, No Insight, No Mellowing. I Would Make All The Same Mistakes Again, Today.

They Were Doing The Dying Swan At The Ballet. And There Was A Rumor That Some Bookmarkers Had Drifted Into Town From Upstate New York And That They Had Fixed The Bullet. There Was A Lot Of Money Bet On The Swan To Live.

90 Per Cent Of Success Is Turning Up.

Don't Think Of Death As An Ending. Think Of It As A Really Effective Way Of Cutting Down Your Expenses.

I Work For A Company That Makes Deceptively Shallow Serving Dishes For Chinese Restaurants.

Achilles Only Had An Achilles Heel, I Have An Entire Achilles Body.

I Think That The Tendency For Most People Is To Fall Back On A Comic Interpretation Of Things Because Things Are So Sad, So Terrible. If You Didn't Laugh You'd Kill Yourself. But The Truth Of The Matter Is That Existence In General Is Very Very Tragic, Very Very Sad, Very Brutal And Very Unhappy.

. . . They Confuse Everything I Do With My Life.

I Am Not Afraid Of Death. I Just Don't Want To Be There When It Happens.

Doing Abominations Is Against The Law, Particularly If The Abominations Are Done While Wearing A Lobster Bib.

There's A Tacit Agreement Between Myself And The Audience That I Will Entertain Them When They Buy Their Ticket, And I've Been The One That Has Screwed That Up. Once In While I Indulge Myself And Try Something Else, And I Keep My Fingers Crossed That It Will Come Out Good And There'll Be Enough People Who Will Enjoy It, But That Doesn't Often Happen.

There Is Something About Big Cities That Turns Me On, And For Whatever Mysterious Reason, Places Like New York And Paris Inspire Me. I Think It's Because Cities Represent Civilization, And As Crime-ridden And Broken Down As Some Of Them Are, It's Still Better Than Skipping Through A Meadow.

My Experience Creatively Is Different Than My Experience In Life, For, As My Father Would Say, The Simple Reason That You Can't Get Hurt When Everything Goes Wrong Creatively.

Those Who Can't Do, Teach. And Those Who Can't Teach, Teach Gym.

I Was A Smart Kid And I Was Not Understood By My Parents.

Can You Believe That? She Says I'm Not Leader Enough For Her. Who Was She Looking For... Hitler?

Existence For Eternity Could Get A Little Boring... Especially Towards The End.

Sex Between A Man And A Woman Can Be Absolutely Wonderful; Provided You Get Between The Right Man And The Right Woman.

But What If Everyone In The World Behaved Like Me And Came Here And Shot Brisseau Through The Ear? What A Mess! And Of Course We'd Need Valet Parking.

When A Film Is Reviled, You Open A Film And People Say "oh, It's The Stupidest Thing, It's The Worst Movie." You Think: Oh, Nobody's Going To Ever Speak To You Again. But, It Doesn't Happen. Nobody Cares. You Know, They Read It And They Say "oh, They Hated Your Film." You Care, At The Time. But They Don't. Nobody Else Cares.

Your Still Searching For Me In Every Woman. You'll Always Seek To Duplicate What We Had. You Know It.

The Lion And The Calf Shall Lie Down Together But The Calf Won't Get Much Sleep.

I've Always Had An Easy Time Directing Actors Because I Always Hire Ones That Are Great Before I Get My Hands On Them.

If You Aren't Failing, You Aren't Trying.

More Than At Any Other Time In History, Mankind Faces A Crossroads. One Path Leads To Despair And Utter Hopelessness. The Other, To Total Extinction. Let Us Pray We Have The Wisdom To Choose Correctly. I Speak, By The Way, Not With Any Sense Of Futility, But With A Panicky Conviction Of The Absolute Meaninglessness Of Existence Which Could Easily Be Misinterpreted As Pessimism. It Is Not. It Is Merely A Healthy Concern For The Predicament Of Modern Man.

Sex Is Better Than Talk. Ask Anybody In This Bar. Talk Is What You Suffer Through So You Can Get To Sex.

I'm A Teleological, Existential Agnostic.

I Always Thought That As Long As Man Is Mortal, He Will Never Be Relaxed.

Until You've Been Kissed On A Rainy Parisian Afternoon - You've Never Been Kissed.

Never Been Kissed

Humorists Always Sit At The Children's Table.

The Last Woman I Was In Was The Statue Of Liberty.

Eternity Is Really Long, Especially Near The End.

I Know What I Think But I Don't Know How To Put It Into Words. Maybe I Could Get A Little Bit Drunk And Dance It For You.

Life Is Like A Concentration Camp... You Can't Leave Without Dying.

I Don't Think My Parents Liked Me. They Put A Live Teddy Bear In My Crib.

Geez, I Should Stop Ruining My Life Searching For Answers I'm Never Gonna Get, And Just Enjoy It While It Lasts.

Enjoy It While It Lasts

When The Academy Called, I Panicked. I Thought They Might Want Their Oscars Back And The Pawn Shop Has Been Out Of Business For A While.

Ads Answered Out Of Desperation In The New York Review Of Books Proved Equally Futile As…the 'bay Area Bisexual' Told Me I Didn't Quite Coincide With Either Of Her Desires.

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Letitia Elizabeth Landon

Samuel L. Jackson

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