Background Image

...

I've Been Escaping My Whole Life. Since I Was A Little Child, I Escaped Into The Movies On The Other Side As An Audience Member. I Escaped By Going Into The Movies And Sitting In The Movies All Day Long.

-Woody Allen

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

I've Been Escaping My

Woody Allen

...

I've Been Escaping My Whole Life. Since I Was A Little Child, I Escaped Into The Movies On The Other Side As An Audience Member. I Escaped By Going Into The Movies And Sitting In The Movies All Day Long.

Views: 30826

Topic

More From Woody Allen

My Wife Is Immature. Whenever I Take A Bath, She Sinks My Boats.

I Think Universal Harmony Is A Pipedream And It May Be More Productive To Focus On More Modest Goals, Like A Ban On Yodeling.

You Can't Anticipate In The Room The Riches Of What You Encounter When You're Location Hunting For A Movie.

Since I Was A Kid, I Could Make Up Stories, I Could Make Up Funny Jokes And I Could Always Do It. When I'm Walking Down The Street Or Having Dinner, Ideas Will Hit Me, And I Write Them Down On Matchbooks Or Napkins And Throw Them In The Draw.

To Me Nature Is... Spiders And Bugs, And Big Fish Eating Little Fish, And Plants Eating Plans, And Animals Eating... It's Like An Enormous Restaurant, That's The Way I See It.

There Are Drawbacks In Being Famous Too, But You Can Live With Those. They're Not Life-threatening. If The Paparazzi Are Outside Your Restaurant Or Your House - And Actors Make Such A Big Thing Of It And Scurry Into Cars And Drape Things - You Think They're Going To Be Crucified Or Something. It's Not A Big Deal. You Can Get Used To That. It's Not So Terrible.

Money Is Not Everything, But It Is Better Than Having One's Health.

Then Job Fell To His Knees And Cried To The Lord, "thine Is The Kingdom And The Power And Glory. Thou Hast A Good Job. Don't Blow It."

Error, No Keyboard. Press F1 To Continue.

The Most Important Words In The English Language Are Not 'i Love You' But 'it's Benign.'

I Keep Wondering If There Is An Afterlife, And If There Is Will They Be Able To Break A Twenty?

You'll Live To Be A Hundred If You Give Up All The Things That Make You Want To.

If The World Is A Progressively Realized Community Of Interpretation, Then Either Quadruplictity Will Drink Procrastination Or, Provided That The Nothing Negates, Boredom Will Ensue Seldom More Often Than Frequently.

Procrastination

Those Modern Analysts, They Charge So Much! In My Day, For Five Marks Freud Himself Would Treat You. For Ten Marks He Would Treat You And Press Your Pants. For Fifteen Marks Freud Would Let You Treat Him - That Included A Choice Of Any Two Vegetables.

I'm Very Proud Of My Gold Pocket Watch. My Grandfather, On His Deathbed, Sold Me This Watch.

History Is The Same Thing Over And Over Again.

Fitness Motivational

Temporary Insanity

When One Chooses To Be A Writer, Psychologically There's A Reason For That Because You Like The Isolation And You Like To Be By Yourself And You Are By Nature Timid.

Why Are Our Days Numbered And Not, Say, Lettered?

Time Is Nature's Way Of Keeping Everything From Happening At Once.

If My Films Don't Show A Profit, I Know I'm Doing Something Right.

The Only Thing Standing Between Me And Greatness Is Me.

I'm Not A Big Believer In The Sense Of Jews Having A Monopoly On Comedy.

For A While We Pondered Whether To Take A Vacation Or Get A Divorce. We Decided That A Trip To Bermuda Is Over In Two Weeks, But A Divorce Is Something You Always Have.

I'm Short Enough And Ugly Enough To Succeed On My Own.

I Love The Rain - It Washes Memories Off The Sidewalk Of Life.

How The Hell Do I Know Why There Were Nazis? I Don't Know How The Can-opener Works.

I Can't With Any Conscience Argue For New York With Anyone. It's Like Calcutta. But I Love The City In An Emotional, Irrational Way, Like Loving Your Mother Or Your Father Even Though They're A Drunk Or A Thief. I've Loved The City My Whole Life - To Me, It's Like A Great Woman.

Not Think Of Death As An End, But Think Of It More As A Very Effective Way Of Cutting Down On Your Expenses.

That (sex) Was The Most Fun I Ever Had Without Laughing.

Everything Is Controlled By A Small Evil Group To Which, Unfortunately, No One We Know Belongs.

Nothing Like A Little Post-traumatic Stress Disorder To Make Your Day Complete.

One Man Starving Puts A Crimp In My Evening.

Science Is An Intellectual Dead End, You Know? It's A Lot Of Little Guys In Tweed Suits Cutting Up Frogs On Foundation Grants.

The Heart Wants What It Wants. There's No Logic To These Things. You Meet Someone And You Fall In Love And That's That.

I Hate Reality But It's Still The Best Place To Get A Good Steak.

Men Would Make Love With Any Number Of Women ... Even Total Strangers, While Females Were Selective. They Were Catering To The Demands Of One Small Egg. While Males Had Millions Of Frantic Sperms Screaming: "let Us Out, Let Us Out!".

Life Is For The Living.

I'd Like To Make A Great Movie. I've Made Many Movies. I Think I've Made Some Good Movies, But I Never Felt I've Made A Great Movie.

Skeptic That I Was As An Adolescent, I Had Recently Come To Believe In A Supreme Being After Thumbing Through A Victoria's Secret Catalogue.

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices.

I'm Astounded By People Who Want To 'know' The Universe When It's Hard Enough To Find Your Way Around Chinatown.

Every Hooker I Ever Speak To Tells Me That It Beats The Hell Out Of Waitressing.

Music Has Always Helped My Films. In 'the Curse Of The Jade Scorpion,' You Can Hear 'sunrise' By Glenn Miller, An Idol Of My Childhood, In The Surprise Ending. I Like Mixing Comedy With Suspense And Action.

I Got A Divorce Because My Ex-wife Left Me For Another Woman.

I Don't Rely On Anybody Except My Own Judgment. I Don't Get Much Input. I Don't Know If That's Helped Me Or If I Would Be Better Off If I Did Rely On Someone.

When We Played Softball, I'd Steal Second Base, Feel Guilty And Go Back.

See, I Will Always Have This Penchant For What I Call Kamikaze Women. I Call Them Kamikazes Because They, You Know They Crash Their Plane, They're Self-destructive. But They Crash Into You, And You Die Along With Them.

I Was Nauseous And Tingly All Over. I Was Either In Love Or I Had Smallpox.

Sygmnd Was A Poor Austrian Who'd Lost All The Vowels In His Name In A Boating Accident.

Meanwhile, The Minute You Put On The Dotted Line Your Sam Hancock - And Before A Notary - You'll Not Only Get The Negative But Elsie Makes A Wonderful Stuffed Cabbage Which We'll Include Gratis A Few Portions But Return The Jars Please.

This Year I'm A Star, But What Will I Be Next Year? A Black Hole?

People Think I'm An Artist Because My Films Lose Money.

My Father Worked For The Same Firm For 12 Years. They Fired Him And Replaced Him With A Tiny Gadget That Does Everything My Father Does, Only Much Better. The Depressing Thing Is My Mother Ran Out And Bought One

These Were Always Obsessions Of Mine, Even As A Very Young Child. These Were Things That Interested Me As The Years Went On. My Friends Were More Preoccupied With Social Issues - Issues Such As Abortion, Racial Discrimination, And Communism - And Those Issues Just Never Caught My Interest. Of Course They Mattered To Me As A Citizen To Some Degree...but They Never Really Caught My Attention Artistically.

Change Is Almost Always Negative. Things Degenerate.

We Are All Interested In The Future, For That Is Where You And I Are Going To Spend The Rest Of Our Lives.

Books And Movies

Sex Is Like Having Dinner: Sometimes You Joke About The Dishes, Sometimes You Take The Meal Seriously.

Standard Mathematics Has Recently Been Rendered Obsolete By The Discovery That For Years We Have Been Writing The Numeral Five Backward. This Has Led To Reevaluation Of Counting As A Method Of Getting From One To Ten. Students Are Taught Advanced Concepts Of Boolean Algebra, And Formerly Unsolvable Equations Are Dealt With By Threats Of Reprisals.

The Comedies Are Not A Million Laughs On The Set. Its Business And The Dramas Are Business As Well, Really. When I'm Writing It I Struggle More With Drama Because I Started Out In Comedy.

He's A Politician. That's A Notch Below Child Molester.

Maugham Then Offers The Greatest Advice Anyone Could Give To A Young Author: "at The End Of An Interrogation Sentence, Place A Question Mark. You'd Be Surprised How Effective It Can Be."

I Write The Script; Nobody Sees It, Not The People That Put The Money In The Picture. I Cast Who I Want, And Make The Film. That's Why I've Always Felt The Only Thing Standing Between Me And Greatness, Is Me. There's No Excuse For Me Not To Be Great Except That I'm Not.

I Can't Enjoy Anything Unless Everybody Is. If One Guy Is Starving Someplace, That Puts A Crimp In My Evening.

Everybody Knows How Awful The World Is And What A Terrible Situation It Is And Each Person Distorts It In A Certain Way That Enables Him To Get Through. Some People Distort It With Religious Things. Some People Distort It With Sports, With Money, With Love, With Art, And They All Have Their Own Nonsense About What Makes It Meaningful, And All But Nothing Makes It Meaningful. These Things Definitely Serve A Certain Function, But In The End They All Fail To Give Life Meaning And Everyone Goes To His Grave In A Meaningless Way.

I'm A Teleological, Existential Agnostic.

Dying Is Like Making Love, Except You Don't Get Naseous Afterwards.

I Tended To Place My Wife Under A Pedestal.

Comedy Just Pokes At Problems, Rarely Confronts Them Squarely. Drama Is Like A Plate Of Meat And Potatoes, Comedy Is Rather The Dessert, A Bit Like Meringue.

Spencer Was Searching For A Woman Interested In Gold, Inorganic Chemistry, Outdoor Sex And The Music Of Bach. In Short, He Was Looking For Himself, Only Female.

Isn't All Mankind Ultimately Executed For A Crime It Never Committed?

Capital Punishment

I Can Do A Limited Amount Of Things And That's What I Do And I Feel Comfortable Doing It And I Have No Particular Desire To Do Anything Else As An Actor.

You Always Think Another Time Would Have Been Ideal For You . . . The Reality Is There Was No Novocaine When You Went To The Dentist.

If I Could Change The Structure Of Existence I Would Do It. I Could See A Better Way To Live For Everybody.

It's Easier To Direct. If You Direct Something Poorly And Re-shoot It The Next Day, Stage It Better, Make It Work Better, You Have A Lot Of Possibilities. You Can Edit It In Certain Ways So That It Works, But There's No Getting Around Weaknesses Of The Script.

Many People Who Get A Lot Of Money Are Willing To Work With Me For No Money. This Is True.

Your Self-esteem Is A Notch Below Kafka.

All People Know The Same Truth. Our Lives Consist Of How We Choose To Distort It.

Funny Inspirational

If You Aren't Failing, You Aren't Trying.

One Of The Wonderful Things About Making A Film Of Any Genre Is That You Have Dialogue. You Can Take Up A Position. If You Want To Say Something About Your Position, You Can Just Say It. You Don't Have To Spend Massive Amounts Of Screen Time.

During The Course Of The Year A Number Of Ideas Just Come Up Automatically. I Could Be Walking Down The Street. Or Shaving. An Idea Will Hit Me And I'll Write It Down. Then, When I'm Ready To Write, I Check My Little Matchbooks And Napkins And Find That It Is Good Or It's Pretty Terrible. There Are Other Times When I Don't Have Any Ideas And I'll Go Into A Room And Close The Door And I Sit And Sweat It Out For A Day Or A Month And Eventually I Come Up With [something].

My Relationship With American Audiences Is The Exact Same As It Always Has Been. They Never Came To See My Films, And They Don't Come Now.

Showing Up Is 80 Percent Of Life.

Existence For Eternity Could Get A Little Boring... Especially Towards The End.

How Does Gravity Work? And If It Were To Cease Suddenly, Would Certain Restaurants Still Require A Jacket?

My Luck Is Getting Worse And Worse. Last Night, For Instance, I Was Mugged By A Quaker.

Never Shoot Up In The Air When You're Standing Under It.

If You Meet Somebody And Are Attracted To Someone, And The Exquisite Neurons In Your Brain And Her Brain Intermesh Properly, Then Things Can Be Wonderful. It's Not Like Homework. You Don't Have To Work At The Relationship.

What If Nothing Exists And We're All In Somebody's Dream?

Real Software Engineers Don't Debug Programs, They Verify Correctness. This Process Doesn't Necessarily Involve Execution Of Anything On A Computer, Except Perhaps A Correctness Verification Aid Package. Sex Without Love Is An Empty Experience, But, As Empty Experiences Go, It's One Of The Best.

What I Do Know About Physics Is That To A Man Standing On The Shore, Time Passes Quicker Than To A Man On A Boat - Especially If The Man On The Boat Is With His Wife.

I Don't Want To Live Forever Through My Work. I Want To Live Forever By Not Dying.

Life Is Tough And It's Tough Whether You're Famous Or Not Famous. And In The End It's Probably Better To Be Famous Because The Perks Are Better. You Get Better Seats At The Basketball Game, And You Get Better Tables And Reservations Places. If I Call A Doctor On Saturday Morning I Can Get Him. There's A Lot Of Things, Indulgences That You Don't Get, If You're Not Famous. Now I'm Not Saying It's Fair. But I Can't Say That I Don't Enjoy It.

In Real Life, Keaton Believes In God. But She Also Believes That The Radio Works Because There Are Tiny People Inside It.

That’s One Of The Nice Things About Writing, Or Any Art; If The Thing’s Real, It Just Lives. All The Attendant Hoopla About It, The Success Over It Or The Critical Rejection—none Of That Really Matters. In The End, The Thing Will Survive Or Not On Its Own Merits. Not That Immortality Via Art Is Any Big Deal. Truffaut Died, And We All Felt Awful About It, And There Were The Appropriate Eulogies, And His Wonderful Films Live On. But It’s Not Much Help To Truffaut.

Is Old Age Really So Terrible? Not If You've Brushed Your Teeth Faithfully.

I'm Twelve Years Old. I Run Into A Synagogue. I Ask The Rabbi The Meaning Of Life. He Tells Me The Meaning Of Life But He Tells It To Me In Hebrew. I Don't Understand Hebrew. Then He Wants To Charge Me $600 For Hebrew Lessons.

I've Always Had An Easy Time Directing Actors Because I Always Hire Ones That Are Great Before I Get My Hands On Them.

Sex Is Better Than Talk. Ask Anybody In This Bar. Talk Is What You Suffer Through So You Can Get To Sex.

This Guy Goes To A Psychiatrist And Says, Doc, My Brother’s Crazy. He Thinks He’s A Chicken. The Doctor Says, Well, Why Don’t You Turn Him In? And The Guy Says, I Would But I Need The Eggs. Well I Guess That’s Pretty Much How I Feel About Relationships. You Know They’re Totally Irrational And Crazy And Absurd But I Guess We Keep Going Through It Because, Uh, Most Of Us Need The Eggs.

Is Knowledge Knowable? If Not, How Do We Know?

What Is So Fascinating About Sitting Around Watching A Bunch Of Pituitary Cases Stuff A Ball Through A Hoop?

God Is Silent. Now If Only Man Would Shut Up.

I'm A Comedian. I Make Comic Films And There Are Certain Ideas That Occur To Me That Are Comic, With Heavy, Serious Undertones. There Are Some Ideas That Are More Frivolous To Me. The Next Idea That Could Occur To Me Could Be Comedy About Death And Famine Or Something.

Is There A Separation Between Body And Mind, And If So Which Is It Better To Have?

When The Academy Called, I Panicked. I Thought They Might Want Their Oscars Back And The Pawn Shop Has Been Out Of Business For A While.

I Sold My Memoirs Of My Love Life To Parker Brothers And They Are Going To Make A Game Out Of It.

Harvard Makes Mistakes Too, You Know. Kissinger Taught There.

Child Molestation Is A Touchy Subject... Read The Papers! Half The Country's Doing It!

In 1940 I Was Just Turning 5 Years Old And Being Taken To The Movies. For Those Of Us Who Were Not Old Enough To Understand The Horror Of War It Was A Very Romantic Era Because These Guys Were Kissing Their Wives And Girlfriends Goodbye And Going Off To Fight And Become Heroes.

For Me Personally - Because I Do It Myself - The Scoring Of A Picture Is Fun. I Edit The Picture And When I've Finished I Go Into My Room And I Have Many Many Records - Jazz, Classical And Popular Music. And I Have This All At My Disposal. I Don't Have To Get A Composer.

If You Don't Fail Now And Again, It's A Sign You're Playing It Safe.

Playing It Safe

She Wore A Short Skirt And A Tight Sweater And Her Figure Described A Set Of Parabolas That Could Cause Cardiac Arrest In A Yak.

90% Of Success In Life Is Showing Up

Success In Life

Retirement Is A Very Subjective Thing. There Are Guys I Know Who Retire And They're Very Happy And They Never Miss Work At All. I Can't See Myself Retiring And Fondling A Dog Every Day. I Like To Get Up And Work And Go Out. I Have Too Much Energy Or Too Much Nervous Anxiety Or Something. So I Don't See Myself Retiring. Maybe I Will Suddenly Get A Stroke Or A Heart Attack And I Will Be Forced To Retire, But If My Health Holds Out I Don't Expect To Retire.

Why Does Man Kill? He Kills For Food. And Not Only Food: Frequently There Must Be A Beverage.

I Was A Nervous Child, I Was A Bedwetter. I Used To Sleep With An Electric Blanket And I Was Constantly Electrocuting Myself.

A General Philosophy Of The Female Characters In My Films Is They All Want Something To Believe In, And Not Having Anything.

No, No, I'm A Lowbrow. I Read [dostoevsky] More Out Of Obligation Than Enjoyment. For Enjoyment, For Me, It's A Beer And The Football Game.

In New York State They Have A Strange Law That Says You Can't Get A Divorce Unless You Can Prove Adultery - And It's Weird, Because The Ten Commandments Say 'thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.' But New York State Says You Have To. Well, Finally, What Happened Was That My Wife Committed Adultery For Me. She's Always Been More Mechanically Inclined Than I Have.

What People Who Don't Write Don't Understand Is That They Think You Make Up The Line Consciously — But You Don't. It Proceeds From Your Unconscious. So It's The Same Surprise To You When It Emerges As It Is To The Audience When The Comic Says It. I Don't Think Of The Joke And Then Say It. I Say It And Then Realize What I've Said. And I Laugh At It, Because I'm Hearing It For The First Time Myself.

Eternal Nothingness Is Fine If You Happen To Be Dressed For It.

People Ask Me Whether I Think That One Day I Might Wake Up One Morning And Run Dry, But I've Had The Opposite Feeling - That I Would Die Before I Had Time To Write All The Ideas In My Drawer.

My Mind Can Never Know My Body, Although It Has Become Quite Friendly With My Legs.

I Call That Mind Free Which Jealously Guards Its Intellectual Rights And Powers, Which Calls No Man Master, Which Does Not Content Itself With A Passive Or Hereditary Faith, [and] Receives New Truth As An Angel From Heaven.

What If Nothing Exists And We're All In Somebody's Dream? Or What's Worse, What If Only That Fat Guy In The Third Row Exists?

With Me; It's Just A Genetic Dissatisfaction With Everything.

Dissatisfaction

The Prettiest Women Are Almost Always The Most Boring, And That Is Why Some People Feel There Is No God.

There Is No God

As The Poet Said, 'only God Can Make A Tree,' Probably Because It's So Hard To Figure Out How To Get The Bark On.

How Am I Immature? Intellectually, Emotionally, And Sexually. Yeah, But In What Other Ways?

You Make Films Whether They're Dramas Or Comedies About Neurotic People. Flawed People. Interesting Personality Traits. To Make Them About Calm, Stable Untroubled People Isn't Interesting.

I Should Have Known Something Was Wrong With My First Wife. When I Brought Her Home To Meet My Parents, They Approved Of Her.

I've Never Had A Block. I'm Talking Within The Limits Of My Abilities. But In My Own Small Way, I've Had An Embarrassment Of Riches. I'll Have Five Ideas And I'm Dying To Do Them All. It Takes Weeks Or Months Where I Agonize And Obsess Over Which To Do Next. I Wish Sometimes Someone Would Choose For Me. If Someone Said, Do Idea Number Three Next, That Would Be Fine. But I Have Never Had Any Sense Of Running Dry.

Life Is Unresolved, Confusing, Bewildering, Puzzling, Ambiguous. You Don't Really Know What's Going To Happen. The Future Is Uncertain For Everybody.

Whosoever Loveth Wisdom Is Righteous, But He That Keepeth Company With Fowl Is Weird.

The Great Question Of Philosophy Remains: If Life Is Meaningless, What Can Be Done About Alphabet Soup?

The Whole Concept Of Awards Is Silly. I Cannot Abide By The Judgment Of Other People, Because If You Accept It When They Say You Deserve An Award, Then You Have To Accept It When They Say You Don't.

I'm In Show Business. I'm Not Like A Poor Factory Worker Who'd Been Laid Off.

Factory Workers

Well, Trouble's My Middle Name. Actually, My Middle Name Is Marion, But I Don't Want You Spreading That Around.

Enthusiasm Is A Good Engine, But It Needs Intelligence For A Driver.

Capital Punishment Would Be More Effective As A Preventive Measure If It Were Administered Prior To The Crime.

Curiosity, That's What Kills Us. Not Muggers Or All That Bullshit About The Ozone Layer. It's Our Own Hearts And Minds.

You Know What My Philosophy Of Life Is? That It’s Important To Have Some Laughs, But You Got To Suffer A Little Too, Because Otherwise You Miss The Whole Point To Life.

I Should Go To Paris And Jump Off Of The Eiffel Tower. If I Took The Concorde, I Could Be Dead Three Hours Earlier.

I Said This To My Daughter, If You Don't Practice The Guitar, When You Get Older You Wouldn't Be Able To Play It. It's That Simple. If You Want To Play The Guitar, You Put A Half Hour In Everyday, But You Have To Do It.

This Sounds So Bleak When I Say It, But We Need Some Delusions To Keep Us Going. And The People Who Successfully Delude Themselves Seem Happier Than The People Who Can't.

I Never Considered Myself An Artist. I Aspire To Be An Artist, But I Never Thought I Had The Depth Or Substance Or Gift To Be An Artist. I Do Think I Have Some Talent, But It Doesn't Go As Far As Being An Artist.

The Man Who Said 'i'd Rather Be Lucky Than Good' Saw Deeply Into Life. People Are Afraid To Face How Great A Part Of Life Is Dependent On Luck. It's Scary To Think So Much Is Out Of One's Control. There Are Moments In A Match When The Ball Hits The Top Of The Net And For A Split Second It Can Either Go Forward Or Fall Back. With A Little Luck It Goes Forward And You Win. Or Maybe It Doesn't And You Lose.

I'm A Big Believer In Supporting The Action On Film With The Appropriate Music. It Covers A Multitude Of Sins. It's Gotten Me Out Of A Lot Of Jams, Over The Years. So, Music For Me Is A Very Big Thing In Films And I Use It Unashamedly.

When A Man Is Driving In A Car And Looks Out The Window And Notices A Woman With A Great Body, As He Strains To Check Her Face Out, How Does She Know To Keep Turning So The Back Of Her Head Is Always Toward Him?

How Wrong Emily Dickinson Was! Hope Is Not "the Thing With Feathers." The Thing With Feathers Has Turned Out To Be My Nephew. I Must Take Him To A Specialist In Zurich.

Where Did We Come From? Where Are We Going? Is There Possibility Of A Group Discount?

Standing In A Garage No More Makes You A Car Than Standing In A Church Makes You A Christian.

If Only God Would Give Me Some Clear Sign! Like Making A Large Deposit In My Name At A Swiss Bank.

I Don't Know The Question, But Sex Is Definitely The Answer.

In My House I'm The Boss, My Wife Is Just The Decision Maker.

I'm Generally Not A Social Dramatist Or Comedy Writer. My Interests Have Always Been More In Psychological Stories Or Personal Relations And Comic Ideas.

Between The Pope And Air Conditioning, I'd Choose Air Conditioning.

My Father Owned A Small Piece Of Land. He Carried It With Him Wherever He Went.

Dear Mom And Dad, Leave $50,000 In A Bag Under The Bridge On Decatur Street. If There Is No Bridge On Decatur Street, Please Build One.

My Parents Were Very Old World. They Come From Brooklyn, Which Is The Heart Of The Old World. Their Values In Life Are God And Carpeting.

When I'm Not Working, I Think And I Think When I Get Depressed.

For God Sakes, This Is A Woman I Was Married To For 10 Years. We Made Love. I'd Hold Her Head Over The Toilet Bowl When She Threw Up.

Arlene And I Have To Get A Divorce. She Thinks I'm A Pervert Because I Drank Our Water Bed.

If You're Not Failing Every Now And Again, It's A Sign You're Not Doing Anything Very Innovative.

There's Nothing Wrong With You That A Little Prozac And A Polo Mallet Can't Cure.

Is World Peace Possible Or Is The Human Race Too Innately Aggressive? For Instance: Have You Ever Seen Women At A Sample Sale?

. . . They Confuse Everything I Do With My Life.

I've Inherited The Worst Of Each Parent. I Have My Father's Hypochondria And Lack Of Concentration. I Have His Amorality. I Have Everything Bad That He Had. Then I Have My Mother's Surly, Pill-like, Complaining, Whining Attitude.

I Didn't Believe In Reincarnation In My Past Life, And I Still Don't.

I Took A Puff Of The Wrong Cigarette At A Fraternity Dance Once, And The Cops Had To Get Me, Y'know. I Broke Two Teeth Trying To Give A Hickie To The Statue Of Liberty.

Sex Is The Most Fun You Can Have Without Laughing.

Of All The Wonders Of Nature, A Tree In Summer Is Perhaps The Most Remarkable; With The Possible Exception Of A Moose Singing 'embraceable You' In Spats.

There Are Worse Things In Life Than Death. Have You Ever Spent An Evening With An Insurance Salesman?

Confidence Is What You Have Before You Understand The Problem.

There Are Two Important Things In The World, The First Is Sex. The Other Isn't All That Important.

The Whole Thrust Of Science And The Medical Profession Is To Try And Prevent It From Happening, To Try To Prolong Life, To Keep You From Dying, To Keep You From Getting Older, To Rejuvenate You. I Mean, That's Everybody's Wish. The Fountain Of Youth Is Everybody's Sought-after Thing.

In Fact, When They Wake Up In The Morning, They're Jack Nicholson Or Robert De Niro Or Josh Brolin. And It's Built-in, But They Think It's All This Other Stuff. But It's Not. They'd Be Great If They Didn't Think About Their Part Or If They Did Think About It.

I Always Felt That The Problems Of The World Would Never Ever Be Solved Until People Came To Terms With The Deeper Issues [spiritual] - That There Would Be An Aimless Reshuffling Of World Leaders And Governments And Programs.

I Can Levitate Birds. No One Cares.

I'd Call Him A Sadistic, Hippophilic Necrophile, But That Would Be Beating A Dead Horse.

I Don't Get Depressed; I Grow A Tumor Instead.

When I Was Born My Mother Was Terribly Disappointed. Not That She Wanted A Girl - She Wanted A Divorce.

The Study Of Economy Usually Shows Us That The Best Time For Purchase Was Last Year.

I Would Never Wanna Belong To Any Club That Would Have Someone Like Me For A Member.

I Came Home One Night, Some Month Ago, And I Went To The Closet In My Bedroom...and A Moth Ate My Sports Jacket. He Was Laying On The Floor, Nauseous, Y'know.

Some Women Feel Power Is Important, Some Women Feel That Looks Are Important, Tenderness, Intelligence...but Sense Of Humor Seems To Permeate All Of Them.

Until You've Been Kissed On A Rainy Parisian Afternoon - You've Never Been Kissed.

Never Been Kissed

Ads Answered Out Of Desperation In The New York Review Of Books Proved Equally Futile As…the 'bay Area Bisexual' Told Me I Didn't Quite Coincide With Either Of Her Desires.

There Are Three Things Jewish People Worship-god, Chinese Food And Wall-to-wall Carpeting.

I Have No Regard For That Kind Of Ceremony. I Just Don't Think They Know What They're Doing. When You See Who Wins Those Things-or Who Doesn't Win Them-you Can See How Meaningless This Oscar Thing Is.

If You're Not Failing, You're Not Trying Anything.

Learning From Mistakes

Cynicism Is Reality With An Alternate Spelling.

Maybe The Poets Are Right. Maybe Love Is The Only Answer.

Everything In Life Turns Out To Be A Distraction From The Real Thing You Want To Do. There Are A Million Distractions And When I Was A Kid I Was Very Disciplined. I Knew That The Other Kids Weren't. I Was The One Able To Do The Thing, Not Because I Had More Talent, Maybe Less, But Because They Simply Weren't Applying Themselves.

I Want To Tell You A Terrific Story About Oral Contraception. I Asked This Girl To Sleep With Me And She Said 'no.

Is Sex Dirty? Only If It's Done Right.

People Always Tease Me. They Say, Look At You, You Went For So Much Psychoanalysis And You're So Neurotic, You Wind Up Marrying A Girl So Much Younger Than You.

You Can't Control Life. It Doesn't Wind Up Perfectly. Only-only Art You Can Control. Art And Masturbation. Two Areas In Which I Am An Absolute Expert.

A Tree Never Hits An Automobile Except In Self Defense.

If You Don't Have Fun Doing The Film, Then The Results Of The Film Will Never Give You Any Fun.

Trending Author

Gabriela Mistral

William Pollard

Category