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You Know When You Watch Old Movies, It's Always The Small Parts You Remember, The Character Actors Who Come In Like A Breath Of Fresh Air.

-Amy Sedaris

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You Know When You

Amy Sedaris

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You Know When You Watch Old Movies, It's Always The Small Parts You Remember, The Character Actors Who Come In Like A Breath Of Fresh Air.

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People Who Shop In Health Food Stores Never Look Healthy.

I Like Crafts That Are Made Out Of Necessity Because They're A Little Naive - You Made It Because You Needed It.

Imagination! My Problem Is That I Have So Many Ideas, I Never Have Enough Time To Use Them All. Just The Other Day I Thought Up Eleven Things I Could Do With A Flowerpot. Eleven! Three Of Those Things Didn't Even Involve Plants.

Don't Answer The Door In A Wedding Dress And Veil, He Might Not Think You're Joking.

I Am An Aging Girl Scout.

I Really Don't Like Going Out. I Don't Like Restaurants Because I Don't Like The Idea Of Someone, A Waitress, Being Responsible For My Evening. I Like Seconds, And More, And Lots Of Conversation, And I've Always Hated The Idea That In A Restaurant An Evening Just Ends. I Find That Incredibly Depressing.

I Love Costumes. My Dream Growing Up Was Always To Have My Own Costume And Prop Shop.

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I Always Find Something To Keep Me Busy.

Well I Went To New Orleans To Cover The Jazz Festival For Trio, It's This New Arts Channel, It's Really Great.

I Like To Entertain In All Aspects. When You're With Somebody And You're Out, You Want To Be Entertained.

You Just Can't Enjoy Any Of The Movie When You're In It.

Don't Leave A Piece Of Jewelry At His House So You Can Go Back And Get It Later; He May Be With His Real Girlfriend.

When People Tell Me They Are Going To Go Scrapbooking, I Say, 'why Don't You Make It Yourself.' It's Like Chocolate-chip Cookies. People Buy The Cookie-dough Roll And Slice It, And Then They Lay It On A Cookie Sheet. That's Not Making Chocolate-chip Cookies.

I Love Old Cookbooks. I Just Got Such A Kick Out Of Them, How The Color Would Be Way Off Or Fake Looking. The Cook Books Now Look So Much Like Magazines, You'll Never Make Food That Looks Like That. I'd Rather See It The Ugly Way Than They Way They Do It Now.

I Have Always Wanted A Bunny And I'll Always Have A Rabbit The Rest Of My Life.

I Stayed In New York City For The First Time, I'd Always Wanted To Do That.

I Wasn't A Cliquey Person, And I Think That's Because I Came From A Large Family. I Got Along With Everybody, And I Usually Got Along With The People That People Didn't Like.

I've Never Done Heroin Or Slept With People For Money Or Anything.

There Is Nothing Wrong With Not Wanting To Be A Hospitable Person And Have Groups Of People In Your Home Touching Your Personables.

A Lot Of Times Girls Think They're Funny, But They Want To Pretty At The Same Time, And If You Want To Be Funny, You Have To Be Willing To Get Ugly.

Don't Associate Me With Comedy. And Please Don't Say Actress. I Would Never Call Myself Any Of Those Things. I Hate It When People Call Me That.

I Love Depressing Movies And Depressing Books.

Gay Guys Know How To Craft, And They Craft Really Well. Straight Guys, Forget It.

A Lot Of Crafters, They're Shut-ins.

I Need A Costume To Be Convinced That I'm Somebody Else. Otherwise, It's Just Me. It's Just Amy Saying Lines. I Haven't Really Become Somebody Else. And What's The Fun In That?

Learn More About Yourself! Make A Self-esteem Collage Using Pictures Of Other People You Wish You Were.

You Think In A Different Way When You Don't Have Any Money. The Joy Of Poverty Is That You Use Your Imagination To Come Up With Stuff.

I've Been To Some Funerals Where There's A Lot Of Laughing - It's About Celebrating Their New Journey. I Can't Think Of Anything. There's Humor In Everything. There's Gotta Be Humor In Everything.

I Want Witchcraft So Bad That I Can't Stand It. I Have Wands In My Apartment. And I Use Them Sometimes. I Walk Into The Kitchen With My Wand, And I Come Out With Something On A Platter And I Say, 'see, Magic Happens.' Works Every Time.

I Was Just A Kid. I Think I Stole A Candy Bar. I Remember Feeling So Terrible. It Was The Worst Shock. I Was Probably 7. That's My Least Favorite Feeling: Guilt.

I Try To Pick Music For A Diner That Doesnt Involve A Lot Of Lyrics, So You're Not Paying Attention To That. As Long As It Doesnt Dominate The Party, It Should Be More Atmosphere Music. When I'm By Myself, I Never Play Music.

I've Always Been Drawn To People With Problems. Not Just Physical Problems, But Mental Problems Too. Like Depressed People Or Killers, All That Stuff.

Don't Make Anybody A Homemade Gift. Unless You're Really Good, Or It's Going To Be Really Practical. If It's A Little Thing You Think Is Cute 'cause You Made It, Just Forget It.

I Cried When I Had No Shoes, Until I Met A Man Who Had No Feet. And Then I Laughed Really Hard.

It's Natural For Humans To Suppress Urges, For When Our Desires Are Left Unchecked They Lead To Broken Relationships, Prison Time, And Forest Fires.

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I Failed First Grade, Which Is My Biggest Problem. You Always Feel Like A Failure, Like You're Stupid.

I Like Crafts That Come Out Of Poverty Or Necessity. There Used To Be Hobby Shops Where You'd Get Your Supplies, And Then You'd Use Your Imagination.

I've Never Played Anyone Who Didn't Like Themselves. I Don't Care If They're Unattractive, But It's Important That They Think Of Themselves As Attractive. And I Guess That's Part Of Their Charm.

It Was More Of Their Quirky Show. It Was More Like A Cult Show. The Ratings Weren't Really That High.

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You Know When You Watch Old Movies, It's Always The Small Parts You Remember, The Character Actors Who Come In Like A Breath Of Fresh Air.

Crafting, Or 'making Things,' Has Always Been A Delightful Pastime Of Mine Because It Requires Putting Common Elements Together In Order To Achieve A Lovely Something That Nobody Needs.

If I Know I Have To Memorize Lines, I'm Really Gonna Try To Memorize Lines. It's Hard For Me Sometimes, Because Somebody Wrote These Words And You're Trying Really Hard To Get Them The Way They Said It.

Crafting Is Putting Ideas Into Action And Then Holding Them Together With An Inexpensive Adhesive.

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Usually, The Best Ideas Come From Other People's Good Ideas, Which Then, After A Short Gestation Period, Become Your Ideas.

Gestation Period

I'm Drawn To Real-life Characters. A Lot Of The Characters I Play, I've Had In Me Since Second Grade. I've Been Dragging Them Around My Entire Life, And Then Sometimes I Marry Them With Different People. But Seldom Have I Really Come Up With A New Character. In My Head It's Like, "i'll Pull That Person Out That I've Been Doing Since Sixth Grade And See Where They're At Right Now.".

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I Just Like To Have The Ideas. Other People Can Help See Them Through.

I Always Liked My Teachers, And I Was In A Lot Of After-school Projects. I Was A Girl Scout Until My Senior Year, When I Couldn't Be A Girl Scout Anymore. I Was In Clubs Like Junior Achievement, And I Ran Track And Field. My Grades Were Good, But Then Toward 11th Grade They Were Nothing. I Always Went To Summer School.

Fire Had An Almost Magical Quality That Suggested Anything Was Possible. Early On, Man Even Believed That Fire Was A God That Had To Be Fed With Animal Sacrifices In Order To Burn Brightly. Today We Have Evolved A Long Way From This Ridiculous Notion Of A 'fire God' And Now Rightfully Understand God To Be A Bearded Being Who Lives Amongst The Clouds And Hates Jews And Homosexuals.

Books Are Challenging And Inspirational To Me.

Accentuaute The Positives - Medicate The Negatives.

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I Like People Who Would Rather Something Be Discovered Than Shoved In Your Face.

Before You Can Give Of Yourself To Others You Must Know What Of Yourself You Have To Give. Every Person Is Special. In All The Land There Is Only One You, Possibly Two, But Seldom More Than Sixteen.

All My Muscles Are In My Face. I Have A Very Muscular Face. I'm Good With Faces. I Always Have Been.

I'm Gonna Do The Whole Bedroom In Camel Color - It's An Old Lady Color.

I Did Shoplift But I Didn't Get In Trouble For It. I Shoplifted A Lot When I Was Little. Candy. I Would Steal Candy.

I Always Got Along With All Types Of People - Popular People As Well As Drug Addicts.

People Always Think I'm Amy Poehler, Which Never Bothers Me. I Mean, Amy Poehler Is Great.

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I'm Not A First-place Person.

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Sometimes Losing A Pet Is More Painful Than Losing A Human Because In The Case Of The Pet, You Were Not Pretending To Love It.

I'm Not A Good Storyteller. I Always Think I'm Going To Get Interrupted, Or Something's Going To Get Edited. I Think That Comes From Being In A Large Family, So You Have To Get Your Story In Really Quick Or Someone Cuts You Off.

I Like To Play Unattractive People Who Think They're Pretty. You Can Do What You Want, But I Prefer To Look Interesting.

On The Off Chance That You Have Children, Don't Clean Up At All. As Children, My Brother And Sister And I Loved Waking Up Early And Playing Cocktail Party With The Leftover Debris

If I'm Creating Something For Myself, Then I Want To Have Fun.

Sometimes, To Keep Things Exciting, I Decorate My House As If I Owned A Child. I'll Toss A Tiny Pair Of Shoes In The Hallway Or Lean Small Wooden Crutches In What I Refer To As 'the Baby's Room,' Which Is Actually A Tiny Space Where I Make Things. I Continue To Call It The Baby's Room Because It Confuses People And It's Creepy.

I Wouldn't Call Myself A Shut-in. I Have The Ability To Leave My Home; I Just Choose Not To. But Because I'm Such A Homebody, It's Important To Be Surrounded By Things I Love.

The Moment Someone Says, 'hey, Everyone, Listen To The Words In This Song,' Your Party Is Over.

They Just Expected It To You Know... Paul, Steve And I Could Have Hired Our Own Publicist, If We Wanted To, But I Kind Of Liked The Way It Was More Of A Cult Thing And Those That Liked It, Liked It, You Know What I Mean?

I Don't Know My Telephone Number Or Anything Like That, But When I Do Have To Make A Call, I Just Pull My Body Over To The Side And Squat. I Don't Want To Be One Of Those People Who Are On Their Phone All The Time.

I Like To Be Around Entertaining People. Even If They're Bored, And You're In A Convalescent Home, There's Something Entertaining About That, In A Way.

I'm Drawn To People Who Look Different. I'm Not Exploiting. I'm Not Making Fun Of Them. I'm Drawn To Them.

I Don't Really Consider Myself To Be A Comedian. I Mean, It's Not Like I'm Sitting Around Writing Jokes Or Anything. I Just Like Dressing Up And Pretending To Be Other People.

I Like Working With The Public, I Like Working With Food, And I Like Making Cash.

My Little Brother Paul. He Owns His Own Floor Sanding Business Called Silly P Hardwood Floors And Hes Really Good.

Begin Your Story With A Sentence That Will Immediately Grab Hold Of Your Listener's Ears Like A Surly Nun In A Catholic School.

I Hate Playing Pretty Or Sane People. Most People Are Not Attractive Or All There.

Although It Has Been Said That Idle Hands Are The Devil's Workshop, When It Comes To Teenagers, Both Idle And Active Hands Are The Devil's Workshop.

We're All Used To Seeing Pretty People. I Want To See Real People.

I Have No Desire To Carry A Movie.

Sometimes It's Just Enough For Me To Have The Idea. I Don't Need To See It Through To The End. When It Actually Happens, I'm Always Disappointed Because It's Never Like What I Imagined In My Head. When An Idea Becomes A Reality, Then It's A Job. I'd Rather Just Think About It.

When You Hear Someone Use The Word 'meds' Instead Of The Word 'medicine,' Chances Are They're No Stranger To Massive Doses Of Mind-altering Psychotropic Drugs. Back Out Of The Room Slowly.

Exercise Your Imagination Muscle! How Many Uses Can You Come Up With For A Flowerpot? Write Down Your Answers. But Don't Write Them In This Book. Grab A Separate Sheet Of Paper. I Didn't Spend Two And A Half Weeks Writing A Book Just So You Could Mark Up The Pages With Your Silly Ideas For Things You Can Do With A Flowerpot. When It Comes Down To It, What's Wrong With A Flowerpot Not Being A Flowerpot? Why Is Nothing Ever Good Enough For You?

My Kitchen's Pink, Like Skin-tone Pink, And I Lowered My Spice Rack So It's Eye Level - It's True! - And My Phone, So I Can Reach It When I Fall, It's Right There.

As My Guests Leave Even My Most Simple Parties, I Consistently Hear The Same Thing: 'that Was The Best Time I Ever Had,' And It's Always Me Saying It. But I Do Know In My Heart They All Feel The Same Way, Probably.

If I Put My Mind To Something, It Happens. I Do Know That's Not Necessarily Psychic. But I Always Feel Like There's Something Around Me Protecting Me.

My Favorite Things Often Have A Story Behind Them And Are Usually Handmade Or Discovered At A Flea Market.

Favorites Things

I Live In The Moment.

Live In The Moment

I Always Want To Look Unattractive, It's More Fun. I Like Playing Opposites, People Who Aren't Attractive Who Think They Are Pretty. That's Always Interesting To Me.

My Mom Used To Say That Greek Easter Was Later Because Then You Get Stuff Cheaper.

If You Decide On Having An Alcoholic At Your Party, Make Sure It's A Large Gathering. This Way, Until The Alcoholic Begins Removing Their Clothes Or Dangling The Cat Out The Window, They Can Sort Of Blend In. An Alcoholic At A Small Gathering Is Called An Intervention.

There's Humor In Everything. There's Gotta Be Humor In Everything.

I Feel So Free And Open To Ideas, And I Get Inspired By Everything.

My Father And I Have A Very Good Relationship. We Always Got Along. But I Always Scold Him.

Gift-wrap The Framed Artwork On Your Walls And Rehang Them - What's Nicer Than A Wall Of Presents To Look At?

I'd Just Much Rather See An Ugly Person Take The Trash Out Than See Somebody Really Pretty Taking The Trash Out.

I Love Theatrical Props: A Cup Filled With Solid Fake Tea, Say, Or A Collection Of Fake Food, Including A Rubber Turkey, Which, During The Holidays, I Wrap In Tinfoil So It Appears To Have Just Come Out Of The Oven.

I Listen. I Like To Give Advice. Mostly, Ill Just Try To Listen To My Friends, And Theyll Say The Same Thing Over And Over Again.

I Choose To Do Unattractive People, Because Then I Can Pretend They Think They're Attractive.

I Always Knew I Didn't Want Kids, And I Didn't Want To Get Married.

I Love Cop Shows And Crime Books And Thrillers, And Before I Die I'm Gonna Play A Cop.

I Think It's Good For A Person To Spend Time Alone. It Gives Them An Opportunity To Discover Who They Are And To Figure Out Why They Are Always Alone.

I Like To Be The One In Charge Of Everything.

My Characters Always Like Themselves.

When I'm By Myself, I Never Play Music. I Have A Lot Of It, For A Girl, But I Don't Listen To It A Lot. I Hate Picking Music Out, I'm Not Good At It.

If You See A Shy Person, Ask Them Some Questions Like, 'why Are You So Shy? Tell Everyone, We're All Listening.

More Men Than Women Like 'strangers With Candy'. Pretty Girls Don't Like The Show. They Don't Like To See An Ugly Lady.

I Don't Mind Pointing Out Some Of The Failings Of Old Age, Because We Are All Headed In That Direction, Unless Of Course We Take Our Own Lives Before We Become A Burden. I'm Not Advocating Suicide, Oh Wait, I Guess I Am.

I Like To Make Things, But I Looked At Old Craft Books On Weaving Or Mosaics Or Whatever, I'm Like, 'i Don't Really Know Anything About That Stuff.'

Most People Think Witches Are A Coven Of Lesbians Dancing Naked In The Forest Celebrating The Semen Stolen From Imprisoned Hypnotized Males, Which They Then Use To Inseminate One Another Using Turkey Basters In Order To Create A Legion Of Demon Babies. Well, That's Only Part Of It. We Are Also Active In Community Outreach Programs.

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