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I Was Just A Kid. I Think I Stole A Candy Bar. I Remember Feeling So Terrible. It Was The Worst Shock. I Was Probably 7. That's My Least Favorite Feeling: Guilt.

-Amy Sedaris

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I Was Just A

Amy Sedaris

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I Was Just A Kid. I Think I Stole A Candy Bar. I Remember Feeling So Terrible. It Was The Worst Shock. I Was Probably 7. That's My Least Favorite Feeling: Guilt.

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I Feel Confident Writing On My Feet With Improv, But It's Different When You're Sitting Down And Writing It Out.

The Moment Someone Says, 'hey, Everyone, Listen To The Words In This Song,' Your Party Is Over.

I've Always Been Drawn To People With Problems. Not Just Physical Problems, But Mental Problems Too. Like Depressed People Or Killers, All That Stuff.

I Love Depressing Movies And Depressing Books.

I Like People Who Would Rather Something Be Discovered Than Shoved In Your Face.

When You Hear Someone Use The Word 'meds' Instead Of The Word 'medicine,' Chances Are They're No Stranger To Massive Doses Of Mind-altering Psychotropic Drugs. Back Out Of The Room Slowly.

If I Put My Mind To Something, It Happens. I Do Know That's Not Necessarily Psychic. But I Always Feel Like There's Something Around Me Protecting Me.

I Can't Imagine Going To An All-girls School. I Went To A Public School.

Accentuaute The Positives - Medicate The Negatives.

I Swear I Want To Be A Food Model.

I Want Witchcraft So Bad That I Can't Stand It. I Have Wands In My Apartment. And I Use Them Sometimes. I Walk Into The Kitchen With My Wand, And I Come Out With Something On A Platter And I Say, 'see, Magic Happens.' Works Every Time.

Crafting, Or 'making Things,' Has Always Been A Delightful Pastime Of Mine Because It Requires Putting Common Elements Together In Order To Achieve A Lovely Something That Nobody Needs.

I Am An Aging Girl Scout.

I Always Got Along With All Types Of People - Popular People As Well As Drug Addicts.

Most People Think Witches Are A Coven Of Lesbians Dancing Naked In The Forest Celebrating The Semen Stolen From Imprisoned Hypnotized Males, Which They Then Use To Inseminate One Another Using Turkey Basters In Order To Create A Legion Of Demon Babies. Well, That's Only Part Of It. We Are Also Active In Community Outreach Programs.

I Always Liked My Teachers, And I Was In A Lot Of After-school Projects. I Was A Girl Scout Until My Senior Year, When I Couldn't Be A Girl Scout Anymore. I Was In Clubs Like Junior Achievement, And I Ran Track And Field. My Grades Were Good, But Then Toward 11th Grade They Were Nothing. I Always Went To Summer School.

But I Always Like To Play Ugly People Who Think They're Pretty.

You Know When You Watch Old Movies, It's Always The Small Parts You Remember, The Character Actors Who Come In Like A Breath Of Fresh Air.

Imagination! My Problem Is That I Have So Many Ideas, I Never Have Enough Time To Use Them All. Just The Other Day I Thought Up Eleven Things I Could Do With A Flowerpot. Eleven! Three Of Those Things Didn't Even Involve Plants.

Before You Can Give Of Yourself To Others You Must Know What Of Yourself You Have To Give. Every Person Is Special. In All The Land There Is Only One You, Possibly Two, But Seldom More Than Sixteen.

When People Tell Me They Are Going To Go Scrapbooking, I Say, 'why Don't You Make It Yourself.' It's Like Chocolate-chip Cookies. People Buy The Cookie-dough Roll And Slice It, And Then They Lay It On A Cookie Sheet. That's Not Making Chocolate-chip Cookies.

My Kitchen's Pink, Like Skin-tone Pink, And I Lowered My Spice Rack So It's Eye Level - It's True! - And My Phone, So I Can Reach It When I Fall, It's Right There.

I Was Just A Kid. I Think I Stole A Candy Bar. I Remember Feeling So Terrible. It Was The Worst Shock. I Was Probably 7. That's My Least Favorite Feeling: Guilt.

I Like Crafts That Are Made Out Of Necessity Because They're A Little Naive - You Made It Because You Needed It.

Learn More About Yourself! Make A Self-esteem Collage Using Pictures Of Other People You Wish You Were.

I've Been To Some Funerals Where There's A Lot Of Laughing - It's About Celebrating Their New Journey. I Can't Think Of Anything. There's Humor In Everything. There's Gotta Be Humor In Everything.

I'm Not A Good Storyteller. I Always Think I'm Going To Get Interrupted, Or Something's Going To Get Edited. I Think That Comes From Being In A Large Family, So You Have To Get Your Story In Really Quick Or Someone Cuts You Off.

I Wouldn't Call Myself A Shut-in. I Have The Ability To Leave My Home; I Just Choose Not To. But Because I'm Such A Homebody, It's Important To Be Surrounded By Things I Love.

My Mom Used To Say That Greek Easter Was Later Because Then You Get Stuff Cheaper.

If You See A Shy Person, Ask Them Some Questions Like, 'why Are You So Shy? Tell Everyone, We're All Listening.

I Think It's Good For A Person To Spend Time Alone. It Gives Them An Opportunity To Discover Who They Are And To Figure Out Why They Are Always Alone.

I Like Crafts That Come Out Of Poverty Or Necessity. There Used To Be Hobby Shops Where You'd Get Your Supplies, And Then You'd Use Your Imagination.

My Mother Always Said 'don't Bother Other People.' I Think That's Good Advice.

I've Never Played Anyone Who Didn't Like Themselves. I Don't Care If They're Unattractive, But It's Important That They Think Of Themselves As Attractive. And I Guess That's Part Of Their Charm.

I'm Drawn To People Who Look Different. I'm Not Exploiting. I'm Not Making Fun Of Them. I'm Drawn To Them.

Fire Had An Almost Magical Quality That Suggested Anything Was Possible. Early On, Man Even Believed That Fire Was A God That Had To Be Fed With Animal Sacrifices In Order To Burn Brightly. Today We Have Evolved A Long Way From This Ridiculous Notion Of A 'fire God' And Now Rightfully Understand God To Be A Bearded Being Who Lives Amongst The Clouds And Hates Jews And Homosexuals.

I Did Shoplift But I Didn't Get In Trouble For It. I Shoplifted A Lot When I Was Little. Candy. I Would Steal Candy.

I’ve Named Everything That I’ve Ever Owned. Real Or Inanimate, I Have To Give It A First And Last Name. Everything In My Apartment Comes Alive At Night.

I Have No Desire To Carry A Movie.

I Like Dramas And Stuff. That's What I Watch, But It Seems Weird That I'd Be In It.

I Like To Play Unattractive People Who Think They're Pretty. You Can Do What You Want, But I Prefer To Look Interesting.

I Just Like To Have The Ideas. Other People Can Help See Them Through.

I Have Always Wanted A Bunny And I'll Always Have A Rabbit The Rest Of My Life.

I Need A Costume To Be Convinced That I'm Somebody Else. Otherwise, It's Just Me. It's Just Amy Saying Lines. I Haven't Really Become Somebody Else. And What's The Fun In That?

If You Cannot Come To The Party, Do Not Cancel At The Last Minute Or Give A Message To A Child To Inform The Host. And Don't Bother Explaining Why You Can't Attend Because Anything After 'because' Is Bullshit.

I'm Gonna Do The Whole Bedroom In Camel Color - It's An Old Lady Color.

I Really Don't Like Going Out. I Don't Like Restaurants Because I Don't Like The Idea Of Someone, A Waitress, Being Responsible For My Evening. I Like Seconds, And More, And Lots Of Conversation, And I've Always Hated The Idea That In A Restaurant An Evening Just Ends. I Find That Incredibly Depressing.

I'm More Of A Clown, A Tragic Clown. Yeah. I Just Like Humor To Come Out Of Characters.

Begin Your Story With A Sentence That Will Immediately Grab Hold Of Your Listener's Ears Like A Surly Nun In A Catholic School.

My Favorite Things Often Have A Story Behind Them And Are Usually Handmade Or Discovered At A Flea Market.

Favorites Things

Usually, The Best Ideas Come From Other People's Good Ideas, Which Then, After A Short Gestation Period, Become Your Ideas.

Gestation Period

I Love Cop Shows And Crime Books And Thrillers, And Before I Die I'm Gonna Play A Cop.

Sometimes Losing A Pet Is More Painful Than Losing A Human Because In The Case Of The Pet, You Were Not Pretending To Love It.

They Just Expected It To You Know... Paul, Steve And I Could Have Hired Our Own Publicist, If We Wanted To, But I Kind Of Liked The Way It Was More Of A Cult Thing And Those That Liked It, Liked It, You Know What I Mean?

My Little Brother Paul. He Owns His Own Floor Sanding Business Called Silly P Hardwood Floors And Hes Really Good.

I Like To Be Around Entertaining People. Even If They're Bored, And You're In A Convalescent Home, There's Something Entertaining About That, In A Way.

My Father And I Have A Very Good Relationship. We Always Got Along. But I Always Scold Him.

All My Muscles Are In My Face. I Have A Very Muscular Face. I'm Good With Faces. I Always Have Been.

I Choose To Do Unattractive People, Because Then I Can Pretend They Think They're Attractive.

Don't Associate Me With Comedy. And Please Don't Say Actress. I Would Never Call Myself Any Of Those Things. I Hate It When People Call Me That.

I Like Working With The Public, I Like Working With Food, And I Like Making Cash.

I Love Costumes. My Dream Growing Up Was Always To Have My Own Costume And Prop Shop.

I Don't Really Consider Myself To Be A Comedian. I Mean, It's Not Like I'm Sitting Around Writing Jokes Or Anything. I Just Like Dressing Up And Pretending To Be Other People.

I've Never Done Heroin Or Slept With People For Money Or Anything.

A Lot Of Crafters, They're Shut-ins.

When I Meet A New Person, Something Has To Be A Little Off For Me To Consider Them Beautiful. It Could Be Crooked Teeth, Or Veins In Their Skin That Are A Little Too Visible, Or A Really Dramatic Lazy Eye. The First Guy I Ever Kissed Had A Water Head.

I Don't Mind Pointing Out Some Of The Failings Of Old Age, Because We Are All Headed In That Direction, Unless Of Course We Take Our Own Lives Before We Become A Burden. I'm Not Advocating Suicide, Oh Wait, I Guess I Am.

Crafting Is Putting Ideas Into Action And Then Holding Them Together With An Inexpensive Adhesive.

There Is Nothing Wrong With Not Wanting To Be A Hospitable Person And Have Groups Of People In Your Home Touching Your Personables.

We're All Used To Seeing Pretty People. I Want To See Real People.

I'm Not A First-place Person.

A Lot Of Times Girls Think They're Funny, But They Want To Pretty At The Same Time, And If You Want To Be Funny, You Have To Be Willing To Get Ugly.

As My Guests Leave Even My Most Simple Parties, I Consistently Hear The Same Thing: 'that Was The Best Time I Ever Had,' And It's Always Me Saying It. But I Do Know In My Heart They All Feel The Same Way, Probably.

People Always Think I'm Amy Poehler, Which Never Bothers Me. I Mean, Amy Poehler Is Great.

I Love Theatrical Props: A Cup Filled With Solid Fake Tea, Say, Or A Collection Of Fake Food, Including A Rubber Turkey, Which, During The Holidays, I Wrap In Tinfoil So It Appears To Have Just Come Out Of The Oven.

If You Decide On Having An Alcoholic At Your Party, Make Sure It's A Large Gathering. This Way, Until The Alcoholic Begins Removing Their Clothes Or Dangling The Cat Out The Window, They Can Sort Of Blend In. An Alcoholic At A Small Gathering Is Called An Intervention.

I'm Always More Attracted To The Unattractive.

Well I Went To New Orleans To Cover The Jazz Festival For Trio, It's This New Arts Channel, It's Really Great.

It Was More Of Their Quirky Show. It Was More Like A Cult Show. The Ratings Weren't Really That High.

I'm Drawn To Real-life Characters. A Lot Of The Characters I Play, I've Had In Me Since Second Grade. I've Been Dragging Them Around My Entire Life, And Then Sometimes I Marry Them With Different People. But Seldom Have I Really Come Up With A New Character. In My Head It's Like, "i'll Pull That Person Out That I've Been Doing Since Sixth Grade And See Where They're At Right Now.".

Sometimes, To Keep Things Exciting, I Decorate My House As If I Owned A Child. I'll Toss A Tiny Pair Of Shoes In The Hallway Or Lean Small Wooden Crutches In What I Refer To As 'the Baby's Room,' Which Is Actually A Tiny Space Where I Make Things. I Continue To Call It The Baby's Room Because It Confuses People And It's Creepy.

My Characters Always Like Themselves.

Don't Leave A Piece Of Jewelry At His House So You Can Go Back And Get It Later; He May Be With His Real Girlfriend.

If I Know I Have To Memorize Lines, I'm Really Gonna Try To Memorize Lines. It's Hard For Me Sometimes, Because Somebody Wrote These Words And You're Trying Really Hard To Get Them The Way They Said It.

Don't Make Anybody A Homemade Gift. Unless You're Really Good, Or It's Going To Be Really Practical. If It's A Little Thing You Think Is Cute 'cause You Made It, Just Forget It.

I Live In The Moment.

Live In The Moment

I'd Rather Have A Part Where You Walk Into A Room And You Leave. That's Perfect For Me.

It's Natural For Humans To Suppress Urges, For When Our Desires Are Left Unchecked They Lead To Broken Relationships, Prison Time, And Forest Fires.

I Like To Entertain In All Aspects. When You're With Somebody And You're Out, You Want To Be Entertained.

When I'm By Myself, I Never Play Music. I Have A Lot Of It, For A Girl, But I Don't Listen To It A Lot. I Hate Picking Music Out, I'm Not Good At It.

Don't Answer The Door In A Wedding Dress And Veil, He Might Not Think You're Joking.

Gift-wrap The Framed Artwork On Your Walls And Rehang Them - What's Nicer Than A Wall Of Presents To Look At?

I Always Want To Look Unattractive, It's More Fun. I Like Playing Opposites, People Who Aren't Attractive Who Think They Are Pretty. That's Always Interesting To Me.

More Men Than Women Like 'strangers With Candy'. Pretty Girls Don't Like The Show. They Don't Like To See An Ugly Lady.

I Feel So Free And Open To Ideas, And I Get Inspired By Everything.

Although It Has Been Said That Idle Hands Are The Devil's Workshop, When It Comes To Teenagers, Both Idle And Active Hands Are The Devil's Workshop.

I'm Very Domestic; I Love Cleaning. I Love Cooking. I Like Waiting On People. I Just Like To Make Things. I Don't Break That Down To Be Weakness, Or The Only Things Women Can Do, Or Putting Me Back 20 Years.

I Failed First Grade, Which Is My Biggest Problem. You Always Feel Like A Failure, Like You're Stupid.

People Who Shop In Health Food Stores Never Look Healthy.

Some Crafts Have Been Practiced For Centuries. These Crafts Were Created Using Skills Passed From Generation To Generation, And Were Motivated By Necessity Such As Baskets And Pottery, Or Artistic Expression, Such As More Baskets And More Pottery. Today, There Is A Much More Leisurely Attitude Toward Crafting, And Virtually Anyone Without A Job And Access To Pipe Cleaners Can Join The Elite Society Of Crafters.

I Have A Lot Of Fake Food In My Apartment, But I'm Picky About It. Old Plaster Food, Like From The '50s Is Really Nice, Hollowed Out Paper-mache Food From Old Plays - The New Stuff Just Looks Too Good.

Exercise Your Imagination Muscle! How Many Uses Can You Come Up With For A Flowerpot? Write Down Your Answers. But Don't Write Them In This Book. Grab A Separate Sheet Of Paper. I Didn't Spend Two And A Half Weeks Writing A Book Just So You Could Mark Up The Pages With Your Silly Ideas For Things You Can Do With A Flowerpot. When It Comes Down To It, What's Wrong With A Flowerpot Not Being A Flowerpot? Why Is Nothing Ever Good Enough For You?

Sometimes It's Just Enough For Me To Have The Idea. I Don't Need To See It Through To The End. When It Actually Happens, I'm Always Disappointed Because It's Never Like What I Imagined In My Head. When An Idea Becomes A Reality, Then It's A Job. I'd Rather Just Think About It.

I'm Not Very Good With Drink Recipes. If I'm Entertaining, I Like To Come Up With A House Drink For The Evening, One Thing I'll Make For The Whole Evening Of The Whole Month.

I Wasn't A Cliquey Person, And I Think That's Because I Came From A Large Family. I Got Along With Everybody, And I Usually Got Along With The People That People Didn't Like.

That's How All Theater Should Be Done - You Only Have One Chance To See It And Then It's Gone. One Night Only.

I Listen. I Like To Give Advice. Mostly, Ill Just Try To Listen To My Friends, And Theyll Say The Same Thing Over And Over Again.

I Like To Be The One In Charge Of Everything.

Gay Guys Know How To Craft, And They Craft Really Well. Straight Guys, Forget It.

I Stayed In New York City For The First Time, I'd Always Wanted To Do That.

I Like It When People Who Aren't So Attractive, Or They Have A Whole Lot Of Hurdles To Get Over, I Like It When They Dress Up And They Look Presentable. That, To Me, Just Touches Me.

I Try To Pick Music For A Diner That Doesnt Involve A Lot Of Lyrics, So You're Not Paying Attention To That. As Long As It Doesnt Dominate The Party, It Should Be More Atmosphere Music. When I'm By Myself, I Never Play Music.

I Hate Playing Pretty Or Sane People. Most People Are Not Attractive Or All There.

I Just Hate The Whole Idea Of Labeling Anything As A Comedy. If You Tell Me Something's Funny, I'll Want To Rebel Against It. When I Go To A Bookstore And See Books Categorized As Humor, I Get Furious. Don't Tell Me That A Book Is Funny. Let Me Decide If It's Funny. It's The Same With Sitcoms. You Call Something A Sitcom And People Expect It To Be Funny. And That Ruins Everything.

I'm Not Ambitious When It Comes To My Acting Career. I'm Not Breaking Down My Agency's Doors Or Sending Out Headshots. Even When I'm Offered Work, I Always Want Small Parts. When It Comes To Things That Other People Have Written, I Just Don't Know What I'm Doing. I'm Terrible At Memorizing A Script And Reading Lines. I Get Confused And I Don't Understand And It Just Looks Fake To Me. It's More Difficult For Me To Be Creative That Way.

Books Are Challenging And Inspirational To Me.

You Just Can't Enjoy Any Of The Movie When You're In It.

I Like To Make Things, But I Looked At Old Craft Books On Weaving Or Mosaics Or Whatever, I'm Like, 'i Don't Really Know Anything About That Stuff.'

That's Why I Love Improvisational Theater So Much - You Do It [scene] Once And Then It's Done. You Don't Get Bogged Down With A Lot Of Preplanning And Repetition. If I Do Something And It Gets A Laugh, I Don't Want To Do It Again. Why Bother? I'm Just Repeating Myself. It's Boring.

On The Off Chance That You Have Children, Don't Clean Up At All. As Children, My Brother And Sister And I Loved Waking Up Early And Playing Cocktail Party With The Leftover Debris

I'd Just Much Rather See An Ugly Person Take The Trash Out Than See Somebody Really Pretty Taking The Trash Out.

If I'm Creating Something For Myself, Then I Want To Have Fun.

I Don't Know My Telephone Number Or Anything Like That, But When I Do Have To Make A Call, I Just Pull My Body Over To The Side And Squat. I Don't Want To Be One Of Those People Who Are On Their Phone All The Time.

I Always Knew I Didn't Want Kids, And I Didn't Want To Get Married.

I Cried When I Had No Shoes, Until I Met A Man Who Had No Feet. And Then I Laughed Really Hard.

But I Love How People Who Are Musical, They Know How To Dress.

I Have A Couple Freeloader Friends, But It's Okay. I Know They're Gonna Come In With Their Arms Flying In The Air Empty-handed.

I Always Find Something To Keep Me Busy.

There's Humor In Everything. There's Gotta Be Humor In Everything.

I Love Old Cookbooks. I Just Got Such A Kick Out Of Them, How The Color Would Be Way Off Or Fake Looking. The Cook Books Now Look So Much Like Magazines, You'll Never Make Food That Looks Like That. I'd Rather See It The Ugly Way Than They Way They Do It Now.

You Think In A Different Way When You Don't Have Any Money. The Joy Of Poverty Is That You Use Your Imagination To Come Up With Stuff.

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