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I Did Shoplift But I Didn't Get In Trouble For It. I Shoplifted A Lot When I Was Little. Candy. I Would Steal Candy.

-Amy Sedaris

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I Did Shoplift But

Amy Sedaris

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I Did Shoplift But I Didn't Get In Trouble For It. I Shoplifted A Lot When I Was Little. Candy. I Would Steal Candy.

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I Did Shoplift But I Didn't Get In Trouble For It. I Shoplifted A Lot When I Was Little. Candy. I Would Steal Candy.

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I Listen. I Like To Give Advice. Mostly, Ill Just Try To Listen To My Friends, And Theyll Say The Same Thing Over And Over Again.

I Failed First Grade, Which Is My Biggest Problem. You Always Feel Like A Failure, Like You're Stupid.

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I’ve Named Everything That I’ve Ever Owned. Real Or Inanimate, I Have To Give It A First And Last Name. Everything In My Apartment Comes Alive At Night.

I Like It When People Who Aren't So Attractive, Or They Have A Whole Lot Of Hurdles To Get Over, I Like It When They Dress Up And They Look Presentable. That, To Me, Just Touches Me.

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Most People Think Witches Are A Coven Of Lesbians Dancing Naked In The Forest Celebrating The Semen Stolen From Imprisoned Hypnotized Males, Which They Then Use To Inseminate One Another Using Turkey Basters In Order To Create A Legion Of Demon Babies. Well, That's Only Part Of It. We Are Also Active In Community Outreach Programs.

I Have No Desire To Carry A Movie.

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I'm Not Ambitious When It Comes To My Acting Career. I'm Not Breaking Down My Agency's Doors Or Sending Out Headshots. Even When I'm Offered Work, I Always Want Small Parts. When It Comes To Things That Other People Have Written, I Just Don't Know What I'm Doing. I'm Terrible At Memorizing A Script And Reading Lines. I Get Confused And I Don't Understand And It Just Looks Fake To Me. It's More Difficult For Me To Be Creative That Way.

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I Choose To Do Unattractive People, Because Then I Can Pretend They Think They're Attractive.

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I've Never Played Anyone Who Didn't Like Themselves. I Don't Care If They're Unattractive, But It's Important That They Think Of Themselves As Attractive. And I Guess That's Part Of Their Charm.

I Have Always Wanted A Bunny And I'll Always Have A Rabbit The Rest Of My Life.

I Want Witchcraft So Bad That I Can't Stand It. I Have Wands In My Apartment. And I Use Them Sometimes. I Walk Into The Kitchen With My Wand, And I Come Out With Something On A Platter And I Say, 'see, Magic Happens.' Works Every Time.

I Wouldn't Call Myself A Shut-in. I Have The Ability To Leave My Home; I Just Choose Not To. But Because I'm Such A Homebody, It's Important To Be Surrounded By Things I Love.

I Think It's Good For A Person To Spend Time Alone. It Gives Them An Opportunity To Discover Who They Are And To Figure Out Why They Are Always Alone.

Learn More About Yourself! Make A Self-esteem Collage Using Pictures Of Other People You Wish You Were.

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We're All Used To Seeing Pretty People. I Want To See Real People.

A Lot Of Times Girls Think They're Funny, But They Want To Pretty At The Same Time, And If You Want To Be Funny, You Have To Be Willing To Get Ugly.

Some Crafts Have Been Practiced For Centuries. These Crafts Were Created Using Skills Passed From Generation To Generation, And Were Motivated By Necessity Such As Baskets And Pottery, Or Artistic Expression, Such As More Baskets And More Pottery. Today, There Is A Much More Leisurely Attitude Toward Crafting, And Virtually Anyone Without A Job And Access To Pipe Cleaners Can Join The Elite Society Of Crafters.

I Am An Aging Girl Scout.

I Love Costumes. My Dream Growing Up Was Always To Have My Own Costume And Prop Shop.

I'm Drawn To People Who Look Different. I'm Not Exploiting. I'm Not Making Fun Of Them. I'm Drawn To Them.

Well I Went To New Orleans To Cover The Jazz Festival For Trio, It's This New Arts Channel, It's Really Great.

When People Tell Me They Are Going To Go Scrapbooking, I Say, 'why Don't You Make It Yourself.' It's Like Chocolate-chip Cookies. People Buy The Cookie-dough Roll And Slice It, And Then They Lay It On A Cookie Sheet. That's Not Making Chocolate-chip Cookies.

When You Hear Someone Use The Word 'meds' Instead Of The Word 'medicine,' Chances Are They're No Stranger To Massive Doses Of Mind-altering Psychotropic Drugs. Back Out Of The Room Slowly.

I Like Crafts That Are Made Out Of Necessity Because They're A Little Naive - You Made It Because You Needed It.

That's Why I Love Improvisational Theater So Much - You Do It [scene] Once And Then It's Done. You Don't Get Bogged Down With A Lot Of Preplanning And Repetition. If I Do Something And It Gets A Laugh, I Don't Want To Do It Again. Why Bother? I'm Just Repeating Myself. It's Boring.

I've Never Done Heroin Or Slept With People For Money Or Anything.

Exercise Your Imagination Muscle! How Many Uses Can You Come Up With For A Flowerpot? Write Down Your Answers. But Don't Write Them In This Book. Grab A Separate Sheet Of Paper. I Didn't Spend Two And A Half Weeks Writing A Book Just So You Could Mark Up The Pages With Your Silly Ideas For Things You Can Do With A Flowerpot. When It Comes Down To It, What's Wrong With A Flowerpot Not Being A Flowerpot? Why Is Nothing Ever Good Enough For You?

I Always Liked My Teachers, And I Was In A Lot Of After-school Projects. I Was A Girl Scout Until My Senior Year, When I Couldn't Be A Girl Scout Anymore. I Was In Clubs Like Junior Achievement, And I Ran Track And Field. My Grades Were Good, But Then Toward 11th Grade They Were Nothing. I Always Went To Summer School.

My Father And I Have A Very Good Relationship. We Always Got Along. But I Always Scold Him.

Fire Had An Almost Magical Quality That Suggested Anything Was Possible. Early On, Man Even Believed That Fire Was A God That Had To Be Fed With Animal Sacrifices In Order To Burn Brightly. Today We Have Evolved A Long Way From This Ridiculous Notion Of A 'fire God' And Now Rightfully Understand God To Be A Bearded Being Who Lives Amongst The Clouds And Hates Jews And Homosexuals.

I Love Cop Shows And Crime Books And Thrillers, And Before I Die I'm Gonna Play A Cop.

I Don't Know My Telephone Number Or Anything Like That, But When I Do Have To Make A Call, I Just Pull My Body Over To The Side And Squat. I Don't Want To Be One Of Those People Who Are On Their Phone All The Time.

All My Muscles Are In My Face. I Have A Very Muscular Face. I'm Good With Faces. I Always Have Been.

I Like To Entertain In All Aspects. When You're With Somebody And You're Out, You Want To Be Entertained.

As My Guests Leave Even My Most Simple Parties, I Consistently Hear The Same Thing: 'that Was The Best Time I Ever Had,' And It's Always Me Saying It. But I Do Know In My Heart They All Feel The Same Way, Probably.

I'd Rather Have A Part Where You Walk Into A Room And You Leave. That's Perfect For Me.

If I Know I Have To Memorize Lines, I'm Really Gonna Try To Memorize Lines. It's Hard For Me Sometimes, Because Somebody Wrote These Words And You're Trying Really Hard To Get Them The Way They Said It.

They Just Expected It To You Know... Paul, Steve And I Could Have Hired Our Own Publicist, If We Wanted To, But I Kind Of Liked The Way It Was More Of A Cult Thing And Those That Liked It, Liked It, You Know What I Mean?

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