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As My Guests Leave Even My Most Simple Parties, I Consistently Hear The Same Thing: 'that Was The Best Time I Ever Had,' And It's Always Me Saying It. But I Do Know In My Heart They All Feel The Same Way, Probably.

-Amy Sedaris

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As My Guests Leave

Amy Sedaris

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As My Guests Leave Even My Most Simple Parties, I Consistently Hear The Same Thing: 'that Was The Best Time I Ever Had,' And It's Always Me Saying It. But I Do Know In My Heart They All Feel The Same Way, Probably.

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I Swear I Want To Be A Food Model.

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When People Tell Me They Are Going To Go Scrapbooking, I Say, 'why Don't You Make It Yourself.' It's Like Chocolate-chip Cookies. People Buy The Cookie-dough Roll And Slice It, And Then They Lay It On A Cookie Sheet. That's Not Making Chocolate-chip Cookies.

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I'm Not A First-place Person.

I'm Very Domestic; I Love Cleaning. I Love Cooking. I Like Waiting On People. I Just Like To Make Things. I Don't Break That Down To Be Weakness, Or The Only Things Women Can Do, Or Putting Me Back 20 Years.

I Choose To Do Unattractive People, Because Then I Can Pretend They Think They're Attractive.

I Have A Lot Of Fake Food In My Apartment, But I'm Picky About It. Old Plaster Food, Like From The '50s Is Really Nice, Hollowed Out Paper-mache Food From Old Plays - The New Stuff Just Looks Too Good.

I Am An Aging Girl Scout.

I'd Just Much Rather See An Ugly Person Take The Trash Out Than See Somebody Really Pretty Taking The Trash Out.

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If I Know I Have To Memorize Lines, I'm Really Gonna Try To Memorize Lines. It's Hard For Me Sometimes, Because Somebody Wrote These Words And You're Trying Really Hard To Get Them The Way They Said It.

I Have A Couple Freeloader Friends, But It's Okay. I Know They're Gonna Come In With Their Arms Flying In The Air Empty-handed.

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We're All Used To Seeing Pretty People. I Want To See Real People.

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My Characters Always Like Themselves.

I Failed First Grade, Which Is My Biggest Problem. You Always Feel Like A Failure, Like You're Stupid.

I Always Liked My Teachers, And I Was In A Lot Of After-school Projects. I Was A Girl Scout Until My Senior Year, When I Couldn't Be A Girl Scout Anymore. I Was In Clubs Like Junior Achievement, And I Ran Track And Field. My Grades Were Good, But Then Toward 11th Grade They Were Nothing. I Always Went To Summer School.

Well I Went To New Orleans To Cover The Jazz Festival For Trio, It's This New Arts Channel, It's Really Great.

A Lot Of Crafters, They're Shut-ins.

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You Just Can't Enjoy Any Of The Movie When You're In It.

I Hate Playing Pretty Or Sane People. Most People Are Not Attractive Or All There.

I Can't Imagine Going To An All-girls School. I Went To A Public School.

Don't Make Anybody A Homemade Gift. Unless You're Really Good, Or It's Going To Be Really Practical. If It's A Little Thing You Think Is Cute 'cause You Made It, Just Forget It.

I Like Crafts That Are Made Out Of Necessity Because They're A Little Naive - You Made It Because You Needed It.

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I Have No Desire To Carry A Movie.

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Favorites Things

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Gestation Period

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