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Yeah We're Not Together Anymore. She Has Got - She Has Got A New Boyfriend Now. They Just Moved Into Together. And I've Heard Rumors That He Is Abusive, Which Makes You Want To Go Over There With A Baseball Bat. And Then Blame It On Her Boyfriend.

-Anthony Jeselnik

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Yeah We're Not Together

Anthony Jeselnik

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Yeah We're Not Together Anymore. She Has Got - She Has Got A New Boyfriend Now. They Just Moved Into Together. And I've Heard Rumors That He Is Abusive, Which Makes You Want To Go Over There With A Baseball Bat. And Then Blame It On Her Boyfriend.

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Meaning Of Christmas

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Horrible Things

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Funny Christmas

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Racist Dermatologists Think All Black People Have Really Bad Skin.

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My Mom, For Most Of Her Life, Was A Holocaust Denier. And It Was Terrible For The Entire Family To Have To Deal With Until, Finally, A Couple Years Ago, We Had An Intervention. And We Had A Rabbi Come Into The Home, Had Him Walk Her Through The History Of The Jewish People, And Then He Made Her Watch "schindler's List." And After That, My Mom Did A Complete 180. Now She Can't Believe It Only Happened Once.

My Mom's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. She Just Found Out That She Has To Have Both Of Her Breasts Removed - If She's Ever Going To Be Good At Golf.

Valentine's Day Was Created By The Greeting Card Industry To Get Pussy.

She Got Really Mad A Month Ago, Because She Had E-mailed Me A Naked Picture Of Herself - Which Is A Nice Thing To Do - But Then I Messed Up, And I Accidentally Forwarded That E-mail To Both Of My Parents. Now, My Girlfriend Is Furious, Mortified, But I Don't Even Care, 'cause Now I Have To Call Up My Mother And Say 'mom, I Am So Sorry - That Picture Was Just For Dad.'

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You Look Like You Deep Fry Your Hands Before You Bite Your Fingernails.

I Think My Friends Wife Has Been Banging A Black Guy. Because They Just Had A Baby. And The Baby Had A Hole In It.

My Girlfriend Is Despicable. I Just Found Out She Flirted With My Brother, During My Mom's Funeral, While I Was Asleep.

I Want To Marry The Kind Of Girl That Walks Out Of An Abortion Clinic With A Lollipop.

Donald, I'm Not Sure If You're Even Aware Of This, But The Only Difference Between You And Michael Douglas From The Movie, Wall Street, Is That No One's Going To Be Sad When You Get Cancer.

I Don't Think Metallica Sits Around All Day Wondering Why Country Music Fans Don't Embrace Them.

Hitler Really Wasn't So Bad. In The Black Way.

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Benjamin Harrison

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