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Usually The Beginning Of A Story That People Hear A Lot. For Example, "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut" Or "my Dad Keeps Losing His Car Keys." And Then I Just Think Of Different Ways The Story Could End. "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut. I Don't Understand Why She's Crying. I'm The One Who Has To Get A New Girlfriend." Then I Try It Out On Stage. I Don't Do A Lot Of Re-writing. My Jokes Either Work Or They Don't. The Trick Is Just To Write A Ton Of Jokes.

-Anthony Jeselnik

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Usually The Beginning Of

Anthony Jeselnik

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Usually The Beginning Of A Story That People Hear A Lot. For Example, "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut" Or "my Dad Keeps Losing His Car Keys." And Then I Just Think Of Different Ways The Story Could End. "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut. I Don't Understand Why She's Crying. I'm The One Who Has To Get A New Girlfriend." Then I Try It Out On Stage. I Don't Do A Lot Of Re-writing. My Jokes Either Work Or They Don't. The Trick Is Just To Write A Ton Of Jokes.

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I Have A Rare Form Of Body Dysmorphia In Which I Absolutely Can't Stand How Good I Look.

2010 Has Been Awesome. I Got To Write On The David Hasselhoff Roast This Summer, And That's Always Been A Dream.

People Say It's Easy To Make Fun Of Retarded People, But It's Not. You Really Have To Explain It To Them.

It's Impossible For Me To Hear The Words Quadruple Murder Suicide Without Thinking Of My Grandparents.

I Feel Like Every First Episode Of A Tv Show Is Bad, You Know, And It Always Improves.

I Always Loved Comedy, But It Never Seemed Like Something That I Could Do Professionally.

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My Dad's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. Keeps On Losing His Keys. Can't Hang On To A Set Of Keys To Save His Life. And He Has Tried Everything Too: Little Hook Next To The Door, Little Bowl Next To His Bed, Keychain Makes A Noise When You Whistle. Nothing Worked. So Finally, This Year For His Birthday, The Whole Family Chipped In - And We Put Him In A Home.

If Your House Is On Fire And You Can Only Escape With Your Life And One Thing, What One Thing Would You Take Out Of Your House? I Got To Think My Laptop Is The One Thing That Is Totally Irreplaceable. Either That Or My Son. Laptop. I'll Go Laptop.

Childhood Obesity Affects All Pedophiles.

Childhood Obesity

My Ex-girlfriend Owned A Parakeet…oh My God, That F**king Thing Would Never Shut Up. But The Bird Was Cool.

I Would Write 100 Jokes A Day. Most Of Them Were Terrible. But I Just Said, 'i'll Write More Than Everybody Else, And That's How I'll Get Better.'

Yesterday I Accidentally Hit A Little Kid With My Car. It Wasn't Serious — Nobody Saw Me.

About A Month Ago Some Kids In My Neighborhood Were Playing Hide-and-go-seek And One Of Them Ended Up In An Abandoned Refrigerator. It's All Anybody Talked About For Weeks. I Said, 'who Cares? How Many Kids You Know Get To Die A Winner?

I Love Austin, But Last Time I Was In Town For Twelve Hours. I Was Exhausted, Drunk And Miserable. But None Of That Was Austin's Fault.

Sure, My Uncle Killed Himself Playing Russian Roulette. But I Choose To Remember Him As A Great Russian Roulette Player.

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I Actually Never Acted On "deadwood." I Have Meetings All The Time Where People Look At My Imdb Page And See That I Played The Part Of "accounting Clerk" On Deadwood. Actually, I Was The Accounting Clerk For Production Of "deadwood."

I Tell Very Mean Jokes.

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I'm Really Proud Of The Album. It's Something I Always Wanted To Do But I Had To Wait Until I Was Ready. Shakespeare Is A Culmination Of Eight Years Of Stand Up Experience And Joke Writing. I Recorded Two Shows At The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre In New York. The Crowds Were Great And That's What Really Makes An Album.

I Can Stand By A Tweet. But Comedy Central Said They Couldn't Publicly Support Me, Unless I Deleted It. I Wasn't About To Tell The People Who Work For Me That They Didn't Have Jobs Anymore Because I Wasn't Going To Delete A Stupid Tweet.

I Think Some People Just Don't Know That Much About Comedy. It Would Be Like A Person Who Didn't Know Anything About Football Thinking All Offensive Linemen Are The Same.

Halloween Is Just A Made Up Holiday, Created By The Razor Blade Industry.

When I Was Little, I Would Burn Ants With A Magnifying Glass. But Now That I'm Older, I'm More Of A Cat Guy.

I Don't Get Back As Much As I'd Like To, So I Don't Have A Lot Of Close Ties [pittsburgh], But I'll Bleed Black And Gold Until I Die.

I Feel Worthless. My Girlfriend Was Attacked On The Subway Yesterday. And I Can't Even Enjoy It.

I'm Fascinated By Offensive Subject Matter. Always Have Been. It Is Very Natural To Me, As Any Teach I've Ever Had Growing Up Could Attest.

I Was Raised Catholic. I Rejected It Later On. I'm An Outspoken Atheist Now. People Say, 'oh, It's A Negative Thing To Be An Atheist.' I Don't Agree. I Think It's More Optimistic To Think That There Is No God, No Afterlife.

I Got Into Comedy Because I Wanted To Get Into Writing.

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My Favorite Sport Is Football. I'm A Die Hard Steelers Fan. Favorite Players Were Hines Ward And Greg Lloyd.

I'm A Comedian And There Are A Lot Of Things I'm Still Learning. I Love One Liners Because I Love Smart Jokes. I Also Don't Like Complaining About Society Or Whining About My Life On Stage.

I Think A Theater Show Is A Pure Version Of Me Doing My Material. The Theater Crowd Is A Bit More Polite, There Really Aren't Hecklers, And There Are A Lot Of People There To See Me, And They're Excited About The Jokes And Hanging Out With Me For A Show.

I Was A Terrible Employee. I've Been Fired From Almost Every Job I've Ever Had, Luckily, In A Good Way, Or Else I'd Be Stuck. I Would Always Joke Around With Everybody, And No One Enjoyed My Humor.

Who Do You Think Was Smarter, Jesus Or Buddha? I Mean, Just In Terms Of Not Letting Themselves Get Crucified.

An Offended Audience Member Repeating A Comedian's Act From Memory Is Worse Than, Literally, Anything.

My Ultimate Goal Is To Do Whatever I Want, Whenever I Want To Do It. And That Keeps Changing. I Didn't Want To Host My Own Show Until I Wrote For Someone Else's.

Tom Cruise's Pre-nup Lets Him Keep His Money, The Kids And Katie Holmes.

My Sister Is Going To Have A Simple Wedding. Just Immediate Family. And Whoever The Hell Would Want To Marry Her.

Disgusting. I Just Found My Grandpa's Viagra. I Swear, I Almost Puked From Eating So Many.

In A Late-night Monologue, It's Not Just About Being Funny; You Have To Come Off As Knowledgeable. You Have To Cultivate A Persona Of Trust And Intelligence And Likeability.

Hitler Really Wasn't So Bad. In The Black Way.

My Girlfriend Loves To Eat Chocolate. She's Always Eating Chocolate. And She Likes To Joke She's Got A Chocolate Addiction. You Know, She'd Be Like Keep Me Away From Those Chocolate Bars, I'm Addicted To Them. And It's Really Annoying. So One Day I Put Her In The Car And I Drove Her Downtown And I Pointed Out A Crack Addict. And I Said You See That Honey? Why Can't You Be That Skinny?

I Never Go See Live Comedy Shows Because I Just Sit In The Audience Thinking, "here's What I Would Say. Here's What I Would Do If I Got Up There." It Drives Me Crazy.

I Don't Ever Want To Have Kids Of My Own. But I Do Want A Lot Of Kids.

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I Want People To Just Be Paying Attention Even If They're Not Necessarily Laughing At Something, Or If It Takes Them A While To Get Something, I Don't Mind That. If Half The Crowd Gets The Joke And The Other Half Is Sitting There Scratching Their Heads, That's Just As Good For Me If I Like The Joke, Because I Feel Like It Just Brings People In More.

Todd Glass Has Amazing Energy On Stage. Dave Attell Is One Of My Favorites Because He's A One Liner Comic Who Is Always Incredibly In The Moment With The Audience. As For Newer People, I Think Adrienne Iapalucci Writes Some Great, Dark Jokes And Sean Patton Has A Hilarious Voice On Stage.

We Just Found Out My Little Brother Has A Peanut Allergy, Which Is Very Serious I Know. But Still I Feel Like My Parents Are Totally Overreacting - They Caught Me Eating A Tiny Little Bag Of Airline Peanuts And They Kicked Me Out Of His Funeral.

My First Time On Stage Was The Class "graduation" At The Comedy Store. It Was Awesome. Everything Got Huge Laughs And I Just Thought I Knew How To Do Comedy.

I Love Anyone Who Surprises Me And Makes Me Laugh.

My Dad Was Amazing. He Raised Five Boys. All By Himself. Without The Rest Of Us Knowing.

Valentine's Day Was Created By The Greeting Card Industry To Get Pussy.

Larry King Is So Old, He's Actually One Of The Jews That Killed Christ.

I'm Not A Comedy Writer, I'm A Comedian, So I Only Write Stuff That I Would Want To Say.

I Love Pittsburgh. Most Of My Family Still Lives There And I Try To Get Back A Couple Of Times A Year.

I Think My Friends Wife Has Been Banging A Black Guy. Because They Just Had A Baby. And The Baby Had A Hole In It.

I Try To Retire Jokes As Soon As I Can Once I Put Them On An Album. But I Can't Think Of Anything I Just Stopped Doing For No Reason.

I Don't Think Metallica Sits Around All Day Wondering Why Country Music Fans Don't Embrace Them.

I've Got A Long History Of Suicid In My Family; The Good News Is It Skips A Generation, So, If I'm Lucky, My Kids Will Kill Themselves.

I Loved Stephen Wright, And I Loved Mitch Hedberg, But They Seemed Like Geniuses You Could Never Emulate. You'd Just Be Ripping Them Off.

I'm A Realist All The Way. I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist. But I've Lived Too Much Of A Charmed Life So Far To Ever Be A Pessimist.

I Was Always Cutting Words. I Even Would Write My Jokes In My Notebook. I Still Do This, Almost Like A Poem.

On Twitter, When Someone Would Die, I Would Write A Joke. Or If There's A Tragedy, I Would Write A Joke And Tweet It. That Was My Thing, And Then At A Certain Point, People Started Demanding It.

There Is Nothing That's Off Limits. If People Think Something Is Off Limits, I Make It My Business To Go Make A Joke About It; That's My Job.

I'm Actually A Really Nice Guy, Once You Get To Blow Me.

My Mom's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. She Just Found Out That She Has To Have Both Of Her Breasts Removed - If She's Ever Going To Be Good At Golf.

Father's Day Makes Me Wish I Could Talk To My Dad Just One More Time, Instead Of All The Time.

My Neighbor Complains Every Time My Girlfriend And I Have Sex. We're Not Even That Loud. But He Used To Date My Girlfriend.

The True Meaning Of Christmas Is Actually Centuries Of Gullibility.

Meaning Of Christmas

Disasters Are Funny To Me. As A Comedian You Learn From Failure, So I'm Always Trying To Put Myself In A Situation That Does Not Seem Ideal For My Comedy And See How It Works.

My Girlfriend Is Despicable. I Just Found Out She Flirted With My Brother, During My Mom's Funeral, While I Was Asleep.

Whenever I Meet A Pretty Girl, The First Thing I Look For Is Intelligence; Because If She Doesn't Have That, Then She’s Mine.

I Let A Friend Set Me Up On A Blind Date. It Was A Disaster. She Ended Up Being A Burn Victim. By The End Of The Night.

I Hated My Mom For Not Letting Me Play Football As A Kid. So When I Have Kids Someday, I Guarantee They'll Never Meet Their Grandmother.

Every Comic Went Through Their Mitch Hedberg Phase - The Glasses, The Hair In The Face - And You Knew Immediately When They Were Doing It.

Everyone Gets Laid Off And Everyone In Hollywood Gets Unemployment For Six Months While They're Looking For A New Job. So I Would Just Do Stand-up For Six Months And Think I Was Really Making It, And When My Unemployment Ran Out, I Had To Get Another Job Immediately.

I Try To Write Three Jokes Every Morning, Although I Don't Know What They Are. I Write Them As Fast As I Can, Then I Put Them Away For A Month. So I Couldn't Even Tell You What They Are, Or If They're Good. I Just Assume They Weren't.

I Don't Have Much Racial Stuff In My Act. And No One's Ever Really Threatened Me To My Face. Threats On The Internet Don't Bother Me So Much.

I've Always Been Fascinated By Dark Subjects, Especially People's Reactions To Them. Why Are People So Uncomfortable Talking About Death If Everyone Dies?

I Don't Want To Wake Up With Cops Surrounding My Bed Tonight.

My Favorite Part Of Going To A Wedding Is Ruining The Wedding.

When I Die, I Want To Be Cremated With Everybody.

My Girlfriend Asked Me If I Only Love Her For Her Body. I Said No, Baby. Just Parts Of It.

I Had To Break Up With My Last Girlfriend For Lying About Being Raped By Her Neighbor. But I've Met Her Neighbor, He's A Cool Guy. Not Like Her Other Creepy Ass Neighbor Though.

The First Time I Had Sex, I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. It Was A Relief When The Whole Thing Was Over After Just 45 Minutes.

I'm Interested In Doing Some Acting In The Future, But It's A Distant Second To Stand Up.

I Do Dark [humor]. I Like People Who Are Silly And Weird And People Who Are Surprising And Good At What They Do.

In The Second Grade, I Would Just Get Bored And A Joke Would Pop Into My Head And I Would Have To Say It. It Was Almost Like I Had Some Brilliant Novel In My Head That I Had To Get Down, And I Would Interrupt Class All The Time And Get In Trouble.

My Great Grandmother Threw Herself In Front Of A Bus. The Police Tried To Say She Was Committed Suicide But The Family Knew She Was Just Trying To Stop Civil Rights.

I’m Not A Religious Person; I Would Call Myself An Atheist. I Don’t Have A Good Story Behind It, I’m Just Reasonable.

I Think The Reason I Became Funny Was Because If I Made People Laugh, They Would Let Me Keep Talking.

When My Girlfriend Cooks Dinner, I'm Happy To Do The Dishes. Because I Make Her Wash Dishes When I Take Her To A Restaurant.

I Want To Get A Tattoo Of The Word Irony, Only Misspelled.

I Would Love To Dj The Royal Wedding. Just So I Could Play Candle In The Wind Non-stop.

My Girlfriend Is Jewish. But It's Easier To Buy Her A Christmas Present And Then Break It Into 8 Pieces.

You Look Like You Deep Fry Your Hands Before You Bite Your Fingernails.

If I Tell A Joke On Stage And The Crowd Laughs For A Minute, I Stand There For A Minute And Enjoy Them Laughing Before I Go On To The Next Joke. On Tv, If I Stand There For A Minute While They Laugh, I Look Like An Idiot Who Can't Remember The Next Joke.

In Comedy, I Hate That Cop-out Where You Say, "just Kidding." I Know You're Just Kidding. Don't Insult My Intelligence By Spelling It Out For Me That Much.

I Don't Have A Type, Really. But I've Always Been More Attracted To Girls Who Yell Fire.

I Can Drink Like A Fish, Or At Least, Someone Born With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

I've Got A Kid In Africa That I Feed, That I Clothe, That I School, That I Inoculate For 75 Cents A Day. Which Is Practically Nothing Compared To What It Cost To Send Him There.

Charlie Sheen Called His Boss On 'two And A Half Men' A 'jew Ki**' And Expected To Go Back To Work. That’s Crazy. If You Could Do That And Keep Your Job, Then Everybody Would Do It.

I Know Her In The Biblical Senseand When I Say That, I Mean I Don't Believe A Word She Says.

I Got An Email From My Ex, Telling Me That She Has Aids. I Didn't Know How To Comfort Her, So I Just Wrote Back I Know.

Do Whatever You Want To Do, Whenever You Want To Do It

Do Whatever You Want

I Prefer To Sleep With Deaf Girls. Those Crazy Chicks Never Have A Safe Word.

She Got Really Mad A Month Ago, Because She Had E-mailed Me A Naked Picture Of Herself - Which Is A Nice Thing To Do - But Then I Messed Up, And I Accidentally Forwarded That E-mail To Both Of My Parents. Now, My Girlfriend Is Furious, Mortified, But I Don't Even Care, 'cause Now I Have To Call Up My Mother And Say 'mom, I Am So Sorry - That Picture Was Just For Dad.'

Katey Sagal, You Are An Incredible Actress. You Worked On ‘married With Children,’ The Show That Changed Comedy, ‘sons Of Anarchy,’ The Show That Took Comedy To A Whole New Level And ‘8 Simple Rules,’ The Show That Killed John Ritter.

Dark Humor Appealed To Me Because It Was A Bigger Laugh Than You Could Get With Anything Else. Seeing People Laugh At Something Inappropriate With Their Whole Bodies, A Guttural, Visceral Laugh Beyond A Mere "hah."

It Seemed Fun To Play A Villain On Stage And I Wanted My Jokes To Be So Good That I Could Just Calmly Tell Them On Stage.

When I Was Seven, I Broke My Leg Playing Soccer. Just To Feel Something.

Jeff Ross Has Been Roasting People Since Whitney Cummings Was Nothing But A Glint In The Eye Of The Man Who Raped Her Mother.

Stereotypes Wouldn't Be So Bad If Black People Were Nicer, In General.

I Want To Marry The Kind Of Girl That Walks Out Of An Abortion Clinic With A Lollipop.

The Opposite Of Sad Is Down's Syndrome.

My Girlfriend Wants An Open Relationship. I Said No Way. What Kind Of Man Would I Be If I Had To Tell My Friends I Date You?

I Have A Twelve Year Old Sex Doll. Brand New.

I Think My Friend Jeff Is Gay. I Don't Know - I'm So Bad With Names.

I Have That Need In Me, I Want Everyone To Love Me, But I'm Embarrassed By That Need, So I Wanted To Cover It Up In My Persona. I Felt Like I Wouldn't Be Able To Do Stand-up For A Career If I Was Needy. I Didn't Want To Be Complaining Or Whining Onstage. I Wanted To Be Cool And Do Exactly What I Wanted To Do. That Way I Would Never Have To Change For Anybody.

My Mom, For Most Of Her Life, Was A Holocaust Denier. And It Was Terrible For The Entire Family To Have To Deal With Until, Finally, A Couple Years Ago, We Had An Intervention. And We Had A Rabbi Come Into The Home, Had Him Walk Her Through The History Of The Jewish People, And Then He Made Her Watch "schindler's List." And After That, My Mom Did A Complete 180. Now She Can't Believe It Only Happened Once.

My Sister Just Had A Baby, A Little Newborn. The Kid Is Adorable, So Cute. She Wouldn't Let Me Hold Him, She Refuses. She Says, 'no Way, Anthony, I'm Afraid You're Gonna Drop Him.' I'm 32 Years Old. Like I'm Some Kind Of Idiot. Like I Don't Have A Million Other Ways To Hurt That Baby.

Usually The Beginning Of A Story That People Hear A Lot. For Example, "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut" Or "my Dad Keeps Losing His Car Keys." And Then I Just Think Of Different Ways The Story Could End. "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut. I Don't Understand Why She's Crying. I'm The One Who Has To Get A New Girlfriend." Then I Try It Out On Stage. I Don't Do A Lot Of Re-writing. My Jokes Either Work Or They Don't. The Trick Is Just To Write A Ton Of Jokes.

Every Year I Volunteer At A Hospital On Thanksgiving, Deep-frying Turkeys In The Children's Burn Unit. I Do It Just To See The Looks On Their Little "faces."

Child Molesters Must All Think They've Got Huge Dicks.

Silence Means They [the Audience] Are Paying Attention. Even If I Drop Bombs And They're Dead Quiet, It's Still Okay. If They Start Talking, That's When You've Lost Them.

I'm Very Arrogant And Mean. I'm Almost Like A Bad Guy Professional Wrestler.

It Was Important To Me To Be Cool As A Comedian. I Didn't Want To Be A Crowd-pleaser Who Sent Out The Vibe Of, "i Need You Guys." I Wanted To Be So Cool That The Audience Could Leave And I Would Still Be Killing, That I Didn't Want To Have To Rely On Them Or Need Them. That Really Appealed To Me.

I Wish My Family Had Taken More Pictures When I Was Growing Up. Instead Of Always Having To Draw Everything.

I Grew Up In A Poor Family. I Had To Cut Everyone's Hair, Because We Didn't Have Money For Entertainment.

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I Enjoyed Writing For Someone Elses Voice, But I Wasnt Very Good At It.

Ellen Barkin, Your Upcoming Tv Show ‘the New Normal’ Premiers On September 11th. September 11th, That Sounds About Right. Every Clip I’ve Seen Feels Like I’m Watching A Third Tower Collapse.

God, That Anthony Jeselnik Show Sounds Really Funny.

What Do I Care If Someone Doesn't Like Me. If I Like Someone Other People Hate, It Makes Me Feel Special. I Think My Fans Feel That Way.

My Perfect Night Would Be Going Out To An Awesome Restaurant, Then Heading Over To The Comedy Cellar To Hang Out With Other Comics, Drinking Beers And Making Fun Of Each Other.

I Could See Myself Adopting A Kid Someday. But, Obviously, I'd Prefer It To Be Aborted.

Of All The Ways People Save Time, I Think Racism Is The Worst.

Watching Soccer Just Makes Me Wish I Was Watching Foosball.

My Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut. I Don't Understand Why She's Crying. I'm The One Who Has To Get A New Girlfriend.

My Dad Was A Complicated Man. He Was A Huge Racist, My Dad, But He Still Tried To Be A Good Father, You Know? Like, He Would Tell Me That Santa Claus Was Black - That Way, When I Found Out He Didn't Exist, It Wouldn't Be That Big A Let Down.

The Best Way To Break Up With A Girl Is Like I'm Taking Off A Band-aid. Slowly And In The Shower.

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Barbara Hershey

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