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The World Is Full Of Horrible Things That Will Eventually Get You And Everything You Care About. Laughter Is A Universal Way To Lift Your Head Up And Say: 'not Today, You Bastards.'

-Anthony Jeselnik

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The World Is Full

Anthony Jeselnik

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The World Is Full Of Horrible Things That Will Eventually Get You And Everything You Care About. Laughter Is A Universal Way To Lift Your Head Up And Say: 'not Today, You Bastards.'

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Whenever I Meet A Pretty Girl, The First Thing I Look For Is Intelligence; Because If She Doesn't Have That, Then She’s Mine.

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I'm A Realist All The Way. I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist. But I've Lived Too Much Of A Charmed Life So Far To Ever Be A Pessimist.

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I Actually Never Acted On "deadwood." I Have Meetings All The Time Where People Look At My Imdb Page And See That I Played The Part Of "accounting Clerk" On Deadwood. Actually, I Was The Accounting Clerk For Production Of "deadwood."

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This Past Christmas, I Told My Girlfriend For Months In Advance That All I Wanted Was An Xbox. That's It. Beginning And End Of List, Xbox. You Know What She Got Me? A Homemade Frame With A Picture Of Us From Our First Date Together. Which Was Fine. Because I Got Her An Xbox.

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My Mom, For Most Of Her Life, Was A Holocaust Denier. And It Was Terrible For The Entire Family To Have To Deal With Until, Finally, A Couple Years Ago, We Had An Intervention. And We Had A Rabbi Come Into The Home, Had Him Walk Her Through The History Of The Jewish People, And Then He Made Her Watch "schindler's List." And After That, My Mom Did A Complete 180. Now She Can't Believe It Only Happened Once.

Every Sunday My Dad Calls To Ask If I Went To Church. And Every Sunday I Lie And Say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

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Sure, My Uncle Killed Himself Playing Russian Roulette. But I Choose To Remember Him As A Great Russian Roulette Player.

Jeff Ross Has Been Roasting People Since Whitney Cummings Was Nothing But A Glint In The Eye Of The Man Who Raped Her Mother.

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Whenever I’m About To Have Sex With A Girl, I Play It Smart And Just Automatically Assume She Has Herpes; Because That Way I Don’t Have To Tell Her About My Herpes.

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The World Is Full Of Horrible Things That Will Eventually Get You And Everything You Care About. Laughter Is A Universal Way To Lift Your Head Up And Say: 'not Today, You Bastards.'

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Every Year I Volunteer At A Hospital On Thanksgiving, Deep-frying Turkeys In The Children's Burn Unit. I Do It Just To See The Looks On Their Little "faces."

I Was A Weird Kid Because I Liked To Be Alone, But I Craved Attention. It Was Important For Me To Be Cool, But I Couldn't Keep My Mouth Shut. So I Was Either Talking For The Sake Of Talking, Or I Was Curled Up With A Book Somewhere Hiding From Everyone.

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My Sister Is Going To Have A Simple Wedding. Just Immediate Family. And Whoever The Hell Would Want To Marry Her.

My Mom's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. She Just Found Out That She Has To Have Both Of Her Breasts Removed - If She's Ever Going To Be Good At Golf.

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You Look Like You Deep Fry Your Hands Before You Bite Your Fingernails.

I Can't Talk Politics With My Cousin Because He's Such A Hypocrite. He's Against The Death Penalty And He Hanged Himself.

Halloween Is Just A Made Up Holiday, Created By The Razor Blade Industry.

On The Show, You Have To Be More Charismatic, A Little Smoother, But I Think I Can Still Be That Prince Of Darkness. You Just Have To Learn The Tricks Of The Tv Trade As Well.

I'm Very Arrogant And Mean. I'm Almost Like A Bad Guy Professional Wrestler.

The Driving Force Behind Doing Everything That I've Been Doing As A Stand-up Is Having Problems With Authority And Not Liking To Be Told What To Do.

My Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut. I Don't Understand Why She's Crying. I'm The One Who Has To Get A New Girlfriend.

With Comics, You Always Talk About A Big Break, But There Are A Lot Of Big Breaks In Your Life And Not One Of Them Makes A Big Difference.

I Think Some People Just Don't Know That Much About Comedy. It Would Be Like A Person Who Didn't Know Anything About Football Thinking All Offensive Linemen Are The Same.

Mike Tyson, What Can I Say About You That Hasn’t Already Been The Title Of A Richard Pryor Album?

Wayne Brady, I Don’t Understand Why People Keep Joking That You’re Not Black. Wayne Brady, You Are Black. After All, I Only Remember You For All The Years You Played An Uppity Slave On ‘who’s Line Is It Anyway?’.

I Love Anyone Who Surprises Me And Makes Me Laugh.

My Girlfriend Is Jewish. But It's Easier To Buy Her A Christmas Present And Then Break It Into 8 Pieces.

Im Not The Voice Of Reason; Im More The Guy Using These Offensive Topics As Fodder To Raise Tension In A Joke.

That's The Worst Way You Can Hear About Comedy Material: From A Third Person's Blog Story That They Wrote When They Were Upset.

My Girlfriend Asked Me If I Only Love Her For Her Body. I Said No, Baby. Just Parts Of It.

The True Meaning Of Christmas Is Actually Centuries Of Gullibility.

Meaning Of Christmas

I Feel Like Every First Episode Of A Tv Show Is Bad, You Know, And It Always Improves.

I Want To Get A Tattoo Of The Word Irony, Only Misspelled.

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Hitler Really Wasn't So Bad. In The Black Way.

Yesterday I Accidentally Hit A Little Kid With My Car. It Wasn't Serious — Nobody Saw Me.

I Was Always Cutting Words. I Even Would Write My Jokes In My Notebook. I Still Do This, Almost Like A Poem.

I Have A Rare Form Of Body Dysmorphia In Which I Absolutely Can't Stand How Good I Look.

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I Never Knew If I Would Get My Own Show, But I Knew I Loved Stand-up.

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I'm Not A Comedy Writer, I'm A Comedian, So I Only Write Stuff That I Would Want To Say.

I Grew Up In A Poor Family. I Had To Cut Everyone's Hair, Because We Didn't Have Money For Entertainment.

I Will Never Understand How A Mother Can Kill Her Own Baby And Not Get Away With It.

About A Month Ago Some Kids In My Neighborhood Were Playing Hide-and-go-seek And One Of Them Ended Up In An Abandoned Refrigerator. It's All Anybody Talked About For Weeks. I Said, 'who Cares? How Many Kids You Know Get To Die A Winner?

2010 Has Been Awesome. I Got To Write On The David Hasselhoff Roast This Summer, And That's Always Been A Dream.

Donald, I'm Not Sure If You're Even Aware Of This, But The Only Difference Between You And Michael Douglas From The Movie, Wall Street, Is That No One's Going To Be Sad When You Get Cancer.

Father's Day Makes Me Wish I Could Talk To My Dad Just One More Time, Instead Of All The Time.

It's Always Difficult When Someone Close To You Passes Away. But It's Really Tough When They're On Top Of You.

My Girlfriend Loves To Eat Chocolate. She's Always Eating Chocolate. And She Likes To Joke She's Got A Chocolate Addiction. You Know, She'd Be Like Keep Me Away From Those Chocolate Bars, I'm Addicted To Them. And It's Really Annoying. So One Day I Put Her In The Car And I Drove Her Downtown And I Pointed Out A Crack Addict. And I Said You See That Honey? Why Can't You Be That Skinny?

My Dad Was A Complicated Man. He Was A Huge Racist, My Dad, But He Still Tried To Be A Good Father, You Know? Like, He Would Tell Me That Santa Claus Was Black - That Way, When I Found Out He Didn't Exist, It Wouldn't Be That Big A Let Down.

The World Is Full Of Horrible Things.

Horrible Things

I Come Up With My Jokes By Thinking Of A Topic.

Perhaps I'm Being Too Optimistic, But I Think This Country Is Finally Ready For A Black Serial Killer.

I Think A Theater Show Is A Pure Version Of Me Doing My Material. The Theater Crowd Is A Bit More Polite, There Really Aren't Hecklers, And There Are A Lot Of People There To See Me, And They're Excited About The Jokes And Hanging Out With Me For A Show.

I'm Interested In Doing Some Acting In The Future, But It's A Distant Second To Stand Up.

It's Impossible For Me To Hear The Words Quadruple Murder Suicide Without Thinking Of My Grandparents.

I Want People To Just Be Paying Attention Even If They're Not Necessarily Laughing At Something, Or If It Takes Them A While To Get Something, I Don't Mind That. If Half The Crowd Gets The Joke And The Other Half Is Sitting There Scratching Their Heads, That's Just As Good For Me If I Like The Joke, Because I Feel Like It Just Brings People In More.

In Comedy, I Hate That Cop-out Where You Say, "just Kidding." I Know You're Just Kidding. Don't Insult My Intelligence By Spelling It Out For Me That Much.

I Like The Idea Of Being The Funny Guy In The Dramatic Thing, Playing A Hit Man With A Weird Sense Of Humor.

My Favorite Part Of Going To A Wedding Is Ruining The Wedding.

I've Got A Kid In Africa That I Feed, That I Clothe, That I School, That I Inoculate For 75 Cents A Day. Which Is Practically Nothing Compared To What It Cost To Send Him There.

You'll Get My Assault Weapon When You Pry It Out Of My Curious Six-year-old's Cold Dead Hands.

Assault Weapons

Racist Dermatologists Think All Black People Have Really Bad Skin.

One Of My Favorite Things On The Show Was Just Getting To Do My Own Monologue And Talking About Someone Who Killed Themselves, Or Making A Joke About Some Horrible Tragedy - I Love Being Able To Fight For And Get On Tv. I Just Think It's So Different.

I Would Love To Dj The Royal Wedding. Just So I Could Play Candle In The Wind Non-stop.

Sure, Retarded Jokes Write Themselves. But The Spelling Is Always Way Off.

God, That Anthony Jeselnik Show Sounds Really Funny.

I Never Go See Live Comedy Shows Because I Just Sit In The Audience Thinking, "here's What I Would Say. Here's What I Would Do If I Got Up There." It Drives Me Crazy.

I've Spent The Past Two Years Looking For My Ex-girlfriend’s Killer… But No One Will Do It.

My Girlfriend Makes Me Want To Be A Better Person... So I Can Get A Better Girlfriend.

I Killed A Squirrel Once With A Car. Twice With A Tennis Racket.

I Like To Read, But Otherwise I'm Just Your Average, Self-obsessed Comedian. It's Pretty Much All I Think About.

My Ultimate Goal Is To Do Whatever I Want, Whenever I Want To Do It. And That Keeps Changing. I Didn't Want To Host My Own Show Until I Wrote For Someone Else's.

My Girlfriend Was Just Killed In A Car Accident. Devastating. I Can't Believe I'm Only Going To Have Sex With Her One More Time.

Charlie Sheen Called His Boss On 'two And A Half Men' A 'jew Ki**' And Expected To Go Back To Work. That’s Crazy. If You Could Do That And Keep Your Job, Then Everybody Would Do It.

I Tell Very Mean Jokes.

My Favorite Sport Is Football. I'm A Die Hard Steelers Fan. Favorite Players Were Hines Ward And Greg Lloyd.

I Know Her In The Biblical Senseand When I Say That, I Mean I Don't Believe A Word She Says.

I Enjoyed Writing For Someone Elses Voice, But I Wasnt Very Good At It.

I Spent All Night Feeding The Homeless To Dogs.

What Do They Call That Hat Jewish Guys Always Wear? A Yankees Cap.

I Think Brilliant Stuff Comes Out Of Working With Limitations. One Liners Are Very Limiting, But That's What Drew Me To Them In The First Place.

I Think My Friends Wife Has Been Banging A Black Guy. Because They Just Had A Baby. And The Baby Had A Hole In It.

The First Time I Had Sex, I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. It Was A Relief When The Whole Thing Was Over After Just 45 Minutes.

I Don't Have A Type, Really. But I've Always Been More Attracted To Girls Who Yell Fire.

I Think The Reason I Became Funny Was Because If I Made People Laugh, They Would Let Me Keep Talking.

My Dad's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. Keeps On Losing His Keys. Can't Hang On To A Set Of Keys To Save His Life. And He Has Tried Everything Too: Little Hook Next To The Door, Little Bowl Next To His Bed, Keychain Makes A Noise When You Whistle. Nothing Worked. So Finally, This Year For His Birthday, The Whole Family Chipped In - And We Put Him In A Home.

Of All The Ways People Save Time, I Think Racism Is The Worst.

If I Tell A Joke On Stage And The Crowd Laughs For A Minute, I Stand There For A Minute And Enjoy Them Laughing Before I Go On To The Next Joke. On Tv, If I Stand There For A Minute While They Laugh, I Look Like An Idiot Who Can't Remember The Next Joke.

I'm Fascinated By Offensive Subject Matter. Always Have Been. It Is Very Natural To Me, As Any Teach I've Ever Had Growing Up Could Attest.

I Had Written For Jimmy Kimmel And Sarah Silverman In The Past. Jimmy Had A Different Voice, And Different Priorities. He Couldnt Be The Bad Guy In The Joke; He Couldnt Upset People, Really.

Larry King Is So Old, He's Actually One Of The Jews That Killed Christ.

I Wish My Family Had Taken More Pictures When I Was Growing Up. Instead Of Always Having To Draw Everything.

Disasters Are Funny To Me. As A Comedian You Learn From Failure, So I'm Always Trying To Put Myself In A Situation That Does Not Seem Ideal For My Comedy And See How It Works.

Yeah We're Not Together Anymore. She Has Got - She Has Got A New Boyfriend Now. They Just Moved Into Together. And I've Heard Rumors That He Is Abusive, Which Makes You Want To Go Over There With A Baseball Bat. And Then Blame It On Her Boyfriend.

Watching Soccer Just Makes Me Wish I Was Watching Foosball.

I Can Drink Like A Fish, Or At Least, Someone Born With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

I'm Inspired By Making People Laugh At Subjects That Should Make Them Cry.

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Stephen R. Donaldson

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