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Would You Mind Getting Off That Fly Paper And Giving The Flies A Chance?" "ahhh, You Can't Trick Me! Flies Don't Read Papers!

-Groucho Marx

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Would You Mind Getting

Groucho Marx

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Would You Mind Getting Off That Fly Paper And Giving The Flies A Chance?" "ahhh, You Can't Trick Me! Flies Don't Read Papers!

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Why Don't You Go Home To Your Wife? Better Yet, I'll Go Home To Your Wife, And Outside Of The Improvement, She Won't Notice Any Difference.

I Did Toy With The Idea Of Doing A Cook-book. . . . I Think A Lot Of People Who Hate Literature But Love Fried Eggs Would Buy It If The Price Was Right.

I'm Not Going To Pay Good Money To Join A Club That Lets In People Like Me.

Don’t Ever Underestimate The Importance Of Money. I Know It’s Often Been Said That Money Won’t Make You Happy And This Is Undeniably True, But Everything Else Being Equal, It’s A Lovely Thing To Have Around The House.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

A Woman Can Smell Mink Through Six Inches Of Lead.

Afraid? Me? A Man Who's Licked His Weight In Wild Caterpillars?

Military Justice Is To Justice What Military Music Is To Music.

The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract As The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract-- Look, Why Should We Quarrel About A Thing Like This? We'll Take It Right Out, Eh?

I Have Just One Day, Today, And I'm Going To Be Happy In It.

Positive Thinking

Believe Me, You Have To Get Up Early If You Want To Get Out Of Bed.

Growing Old Is Something You Do If You're Lucky.

I Think You've Got Something There, But I'll Wait Outside Until You Clean It Up.

The Husband Who Wants A Happy Marriage Should Learn To Keep His Mouth Shut And His Checkbook Open.

Wages? You Want To Be Wage Slaves? Answer Me That! Of Course Not. What Is It That Makes Wage Slaves? Wages! I Want You To Be Free. Strike Off Your Chains! Strike Up The Band! Strike Three You're Out! Remember, There's Nothing Like Liberty, Except Colliers And The Saturday Evening Post. Be Free, Now And Forever. One And Individual. One For All And All For Me, And Tea For Two And Six For A Quarter.

John You Say You Met In An Elevator. Was The Elevator Going Up At The Time, Or Down? This Is Very Important, For Going Down In An Elevator One Always Has That Sinking Feeling And For All I Know You May Have This Confused With Love. If You Were Going Up, It Is Clearly A Case Of Love At First Sight.

[mrs. Teasdale]: He's Had A Change Of Heart. [groucho]: A Lot Of Good That'll Do Him. He's Still Got The Same Face.

Let There Be Dancing In The Streets, Drinking In The Saloons, And Necking In The Parlor.

Anyone Who Says He Can See Through Women Is Missing A Lot.

I Was So Long Writing My Review That I Never Got Around To Reading The Book.

It Is Impossible To Design Anything That Is Foolproof Because Fools Are So Ingenious.

I Can't Understand Why You Don't Get Any Mail From Me. Perhaps It's Because I Haven't Been Writing

The Difference Between A Politician And A Snail Is That The Snail Leaves Its Slime Behind. Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

I Don't Have Change I'd Have To Give You Nine More Books

The Secret Of Life Is Honesty And Fair Dealing. If You Can Fake That, You've Got It Made.

Money Cannot Buy You Happiness, And Happiness Cannot Buy You Money. That Might Be A Wise Crack, But I Doubt It.

Obviously There Was No Point In Being A Bachelor If His Houseman Was Going To Filch His Booze. If He Was Going To Get Robbed, He Might Just As Well Get Married.

Politics Is The Art Of Looking For Trouble, Finding It Everywhere, Diagnosing It Incorrectly And Applying The Wrong Remedies.

Every Time Someone Turns On A Tv, I Go In The Other Room And Read.

Home Is Where You Hang Your Head.

Making Love To Your Wife Is Like Shooting At Sitting Ducks.

How Much Would You Want To Stand At The Wrong End Of A Shooting Gallery?

Room Service? Send Up A Larger Room.

If You Want To See A Comic Strip, You Should See Me In The Shower.

Madam, You're Making History, In Fact, You're Making Me, And I Wish You'd Keep My Hands To Yourself

I Started Smoking As Soon As I Went On The Stage. I'd Make Cigars Out Of The Morning World When I Was A Kid.

A Hospital Bed Is A Parked Taxi With The Meter Running.

Time Wounds All Heels.

Would You Mind Getting Off That Fly Paper And Giving The Flies A Chance?" "ahhh, You Can't Trick Me! Flies Don't Read Papers!

Come On In Girls, And Leave All Hope Behind.

Policeman: "a Hermit Eh? Then Why's Your Table Set For Four?" Groucho: "that's Nothing. My Alarm Clock Is Set For Eight.

You Are Going Uruguay, And I'm Going My Way

In Any Relationship, The Woman Has Control, The Clever Ones Don't Let The Men Know.

She Got Her Looks From Her Father. He's A Plastic Surgeon.

Three Years Ago I Came To Florida Without A Nickel In My Pocket. Now I've Got A Nickel In My Pocket

Outside Of A Dog, A Book Is A Man's Best Friend. Inside Of A Dog It's Too Dark To Read.

Given The Choice Between A Woman And A Cigar, I Will Always Choose The Cigar.

If You Are Not Having Fun You Are Doing Something Wrong.

You Know I Could Rent You Out As A Decoy For Duck Hunters?

Who Are You Going To Believe, Me Or Your Own Eyes?

Why Would I Want To Join An Organization That Would Encourage People Like Myself To Become Members.

I Never Go To Movies Where The Hero's Tits Are Bigger Than The Heroine's.

I Don’t Have A Photograph, But You Can Have My Footprints. They’re Upstairs In My Socks.

Only If The Computers Really Love Each Other.

Love Each Other

Why, I'd Horse-whip You If I Had A Horse.

I Married Your Mother Because I Wanted Children, Imagine My Disappointment When You Came Along.

Was That You Or The Duck?

He [groucho's Father] Had Absolutely No Training, And If You Had Ever Seen One Of His Suits, You'd Realize What An Accurate Statement That Is. You See, Pop Never Used A Tape Measure. He Didn't Believe In It. He Said He Could Just Look At A Man And Tell His Size, With The Result That Frequently He'd Make A Pair Of Pants With One Trouser Leg Seven Or Eight Inches Longer Than The Other.

Here's To Our Wives And Girlfriends...may They Never Meet!

Years Ago, I Tried To Top Everybody, But I Don't Anymore. I Realized It Was Killing Conversation. When You're Always Trying For A Topper You Aren't Really Listening. It Ruins Communication

Most Young Women Do Not Welcome Promiscuous Advances. (either That, Or My Luck's Terrible.)

If The Garbage Man Calls, Tell Him We Don't Want Any.

I Love My Cigar Too, But I Take It Out Of My Mouth Once In A While.

Mr.blank's Reputation As A Card Shark Had Preceded Him. No One Accused Him Of Being Dishonest, But On The Other Hand No One Accused Him Of Being Honest.

I'm Not Much Of A Correspondent. My Letters Are Not Only Uninteresting But Sparse. I'm Glad I Don?t Have To Write For A Living. It?s Arduous Work And The Money Is Very Uncertain. On Those Rare Occasions When I Wander Into A Bookstore It Amazes Me To See The Avalanche Of Literature And Semi-literature That Is Turned Out Weekly In This Country. The People Who Write These Things Are Either Desperate For Money Or Love Starved. Why Should Anyone On A Nice Balmy Day Lock Oneself In An Office And Hit A Typewriter For Hours On End. I Think One Of The Greatest Pleasures In The World Is Not Writing.

You're A Great Brother. You Give Us A Heart Attack Worrying About Your Heart Attack, Which You Didn't Even Have The Decency To Have!

I'm Leaving Because The Weather Is Too Good. I Hate London When It's Not Raining.

I've Got The Brain Of A Four Year Old. I'll Bet He Was Glad To Be Rid Of It.

If You've Heard This Story Before, Don't Stop Me, Because I'd Like To Hear It Again.

I've Known And Respected Your Husband For Many Years, And What's Good Enough For Him Is Good Enough For Me

I Shall Drink No #‎ Wine Before It's Time! Ok, It's Time.

Do You Suppose I Could Buy Back My Introduction To You?

My Plans Are Still In Embryo, A Town On The Edge Of Wishful Thinking.

Clowns Work As Well As Aspirin, But Twice As Fast.

This Isn't A Particularly Novel Observation, But The World Is Full Of People Who Think They Can Manipulate The Lives Of Others Merely By Getting A Law Passed.

While Money Can't Buy Happiness, It Certainly Lets You Choose Your Own Form Of Misery.

No, Groucho Is Not My Real Name. I Am Breaking It In For A Friend.

I Would Never Join A Country Club With Standards So Low As To Allow Me As A Member.

Mrs. Teasdale Congratulates Him On His Coronation And Sovereignty: "the Eyes Of The World Are Upon You. Notables From Every Country Are Gathered Here In Your Honor. This Is A Gala Day For You." Firefly Replies: "well, A Gal A Day Is Enough For Me. I Don't Think I Could Handle Any More."

I've Been Looking For A Girl Like You - Not You, But A Girl Like You.

I Worked My Way Up From Nothing To A State Of Extreme Poverty.

A Clown Is Like Aspirin, Only He Works Twice As Fast.

Wives Are People Who Feel They Don't Dance Enough.

Some People Claim That Marriage Interferes With Romance. There's No Doubt About It. Anytime You Have A Romance, Your Wife Is Bound To Interfere.

Why Was I With Her? She Reminds Me Of You. In Fact, She Reminds Me More Of You Than You Do!

Ice Water? Get Some Onions - That'll Make Your Eyes Water!

The Admission Fee Was A Viper's Tongue And A Half-concealed Stiletto. It Was A Sort Of Intellectual Slaughterhouse.

I Have Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Wasn't It.

No, Groucho Is Not My Real Name. I Am Breaking It In For A Friend. I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception. I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book. I Have Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Wasn't It. I Didn't Like The Play, But Then I Saw It Under Adverse Conditions - The Curtain Was Up.

Die, My Dear? Why That's The Last Thing I'll Do!

Famous Last Words

Now There's A Man With An Open Mind - You Can Feel The Breeze From Here!

I Think That The Peeps Or Peppies Or Pipes Diaries Would Be Much More Popular Had There Been A Universal Pronuncation Of His Name.

Now That You're Secretary Of War, What Kind Of An Army Do You Think We Ought To Have?

I Refuse To Join Any Club That Would Have Me As A Member.

It's Hard To Get Ivory In Africa, But In Alabama The Tuscaloosa

A Thing That Has Always Baffled Me About Women Is That They Will Saturate Themselves With A Pint Of Perfume, A Pound Of Sachet Powder, An Evil-smelling Lip Rouge, A Peculiar-smelling Hair Ointment And A Half-dozen Varieties Of Body Oils, And Then Have The Effrontery To Complain Of The Aroma Of A Fine Dollar Cigar.

I Didn't Like The Play, But Then I Saw It Under Adverse Conditions - The Curtain Was Up.

How Do You Feel About Women's Rights? I Like Either Side Of Them.

A Man's Only As Old As The Woman He Feels.

In America You Can Go On The Air And Kid The Politicians, And The Politicians Can Go On The Air And Kid The People.

I Have An Agreement With The Houseflies. The Flies Don't Practice Law And I Don't Walk On The Ceiling.

Life Is A Whim Of Several Billion Cells To Be You For A While

I'm Not Crazy About Reality, But It's Still The Only Place To Get A Decent Meal.

Alimony Is Like Buying Hay For A Dead Horse.

Many Years Ago I Chased A Woman For Almost Two Years, Only To Discover That Her Tastes Were Exactly Like Mine: We Both Were Crazy About Girls.

I'd Like To Meet The Person Who Invented Sex And See What They're Working On Now.

Only One Man In A Thousand Is A Leader Of Men -- The Other 999 Follow Women.

A Man Who Says He Can See Through A Woman Is Missing A Lot.-groucho Marx A Man's Only As Old As The Woman He Feels.

Patience Is The Art Of Finding Something Else To Do.

Chico: "here's The Book, It's A Dollar" Groucho: "here's A Ten, And Shoot The Change." Chico: "i Don't Have Change I'd Have To Give You Nine More Books.

Two Women At A Resort Discussed Dinner: "the Food Here Is Lousy," The First Noted. "you're Right! And Such Small Portions!!" The Second Added

I'll Never Forget My Wedding Day... They Threw Vitamin Pills

Since My Daughter Is Only Half-jewish, Could She Go In The Water Up To Her Knees?

This Would Be A Better Place For Children If Parents Had To Eat Spinach.

Gentlemen, Chicolini Here May Talk Like An Idiot, And Look Like An Idiot, But Don't Let That Fool You: He Really Is An Idiot. I Implore You, Send Him Back To His Father And Brothers, Who Are Waiting For Him With Open Arms In The Penitentiary. I Suggest That We Give Him Ten Years In Leavenworth, Or Eleven Years In Twelveworth.

One Morning I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas. How He Got Into My Pajamas I'll Never Know.

Dig Trenches? With Our Men Being Killed Off Like Flies? There Isn't Time To Dig Trenches. We'll Have To Buy Them Ready Made.

If He's Been Married For 31 Years, He's Not The Same Man.

One Woman And One Man Might Have Been Ok In Your Grandmother's Day, But Who Wants To Marry Your Grandmother? Not Even Your Grandfather!

Firefly: Where Is Your Husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, He's Dead. Firefly: I'll Bet He's Just Using That As An Excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I Was With Him To The Very End. Firefly: Hmmph. No Wonder He Passed Away. Mrs. Teasdale: I Held Him In My Arms And Kissed Him. Firefly: Oh I See. Then, It Was Murder.

I Wish To Be Cremated. One Tenth Of My Ashes Shall Be Given To My Agent, As Written In Our Contract.

Each Morning When I Open My Eyes I Say To Myself: I, Not Events, Have The Power To Make Me Happy Or Unhappy Today.

You've Forgotten Those June Nights At The Riviera...the Night I Drank Champagne From Your Slipper - Two Quarts. It Would Have Been More But You Were Wearing Inner Soles.

I Have A Mind To Join A Club And Beat You Over The Head With It.

Bel Air, I Am Convinced, Was Laid Out By Some Diabolic Sadist Who Deliberately Decided Not To Use A Compass Or A Surveyor.

Before You Speak, Make Certain You Have Something Worthwhile To Say.

I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception.

Man Does Not Control His Own Fate. The Women In His Life Do That For Him.

I Read In The Newspapers They Are Going To Have 30 Minutes Of Intellectual Stuff On Television Every Monday From 7:30 To 8. To Educate America. They Couldn't Educate America If They Started At 6:30.

Tv Is The Rat Race Of The Century.

My Favourite Poem Is The One That Starts 'thirty Days Hath September' Because It Actually Tells You Something.

One Of The Best Hearing Aids A Man Can Have Is An Attentive Wife.

But What Makes Wage Slaves? Wages!

He Thinks I Look Alike!

When Discovered By His Wife, Kissing The Maid, Groucho Said, "i Was Just Whispering In Her Mouth"

If You're Not Having Fun, You're Doing Something Wrong.

A Moose Is An Animal With Horns On The Front Of Its Head And A Hunting Lodge Wall On The Back Of It

I Came Here For A Party And What Do I Get? Nothing. Not Even Ice Cream.

If You Were A Man, You'd Go Into Business For Yourself. I Know A Fellow Who Started Out Last Year With Just A Canoe. Now He's Got More Women Than You Can Shake A Stick At, If That's Your Idea Of A Good Time.

Some Day There Will Have To Be Some New Rules Established About Name-calling. I Don't Mean The Routine Cursing That Goes On Between Husband And Wife, But The Naming Of Defenseless, Unsuspecting Babies.

Yes, Darling, Let Me Cover Your Face With Kisses-on Second Thought, Just Let Me Cover Your Face

Either He's Dead Or My Watch Has Stopped.

I Know, I Know - You're A Woman Who's Had A Lot Of Tough Breaks. Well, We Can Clean And Tighten Those Brakes, But You'll Have To Stay In The Garage All Night.

When You're In Jail, A Good Friend Will Be Trying To Bail You Out. A Best Friend Will Be In The Cell Next To You Saying, 'damn, That Was Fun.'

I Love To Read. My Education Is Self-inflicted

Why Don't You Bore A Hole In Yourself And Let The Sap Run Out?

Humor Is Reason Gone Mad.

I Can See You In The Kitchen Bending Over A Hot Stove, And I Can't See The Stove

Just Give Me A Comfortable Couch, A Dog, A Good Book, And A Woman. Then If You Can Get The Dog To Go Somewhere And Read The Book, I Might Have A Little Fun.

You're Heading For A Breakdown. Why Don't You Pull Yourself To Pieces?

Oh, Are You From Wales? Do You Know A Fella Named Jonah-he Used To Live In Whales For A While

Today's Father Day And We're Giving You A Tie, It's Not Much You Know, It's Just Our Way Of Showing You, You're A Regular Guy.

There's A Man Outside With A Big Black Mustache. - Tell Him I've Got One.

We In The Industry Know That Behind Every Successful Screenwriter Stands A Woman. And Behind Her Stands His Wife.

Love Flies Out The Door When Money Comes Innuendo.

Africa Is God's Country, And He Can Have It.

Animal Crackers

Practically Everybody In New York Has Half A Mind To Write A Book, And Does.

Groucho: You Know I Think You're The Most Beautiful Woman In The World? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, But I Don't Mind Lying If It Gets Me Somewhere.

As Soon As I Get Through With You, You'll Have A Clear Case For Divorce And So Will My Wife.

Gerald Ford Was Unknown Throughout America. Now He's Unknown Throughout The World.

The Only Game I Like To Play Is "old Maid", Providing She's Not Too Old

You Get A Canoe Later And I'll Paddle You.

I'm Not Feeling Very Well - I Need A Doctor Immediately. Ring The Nearest Golf Course.

Love Had Forged Ahead So Swiftly That In No Time It Had Displaced Agriculture As The Leading Industry Of The Period. To Anyone Who Has Tried Both, This Wont Come As Much Of A Surprise.

No One Is Completely Unhappy At The Failure Of His Best Friend.

If We Had Some Eggs We Could Have Eggs And Ham, If We Had Some Ham.

That's Bad Luck: Three On A Midget. From "at The Circus

Anyone Buying This Book Is Going To Be Out A Tidy Sum If He Is Sucked In By The Title. I Wish I Could Write A Real Sexy Book That Would Be Barred From The Mails. Apparently Nothing Whets A Reader's Appetite For Literature More Than The News That The Author Has Been Thrown Into A Federal Pokey For Disturbing The Libido Of Millions Of Americans.

A Cigar Makers Organization Once Said That I Was The Most Famous Cigar Smoker In The World. I Dont Know If Thats True, But Once While Visiting Havana, I Went To A Cigar Factory. There Were Four Hundred People There Rolling Cigars, And When They Saw Me, They All Stood Up And Applauded.

Do They Allow Tipping On The Boat? - Yes, Sir. Have You Got Two Fives? - Oh, Yes, Sir. Then You Won't Need The Ten Cents I Was Going To Give You.

This Book Was Written In Those Long Hours I Spent Waiting For My Wife To Get Dressed To Go Out. And If She Had Never Gotten Dressed At All This Book Would Never Have Been Written.

Hail, Hail Freedonia, Land Of The Free!

In France, For Example, It Is Not Unusual For A Husband To Have A Wife And A Mistress. However, If In Addition To These Two He's Also Having A Fling With A Fringe Tootsie, Both The Wife And The Mistress Are Outraged And The Combination Lover, Husband, And Cheat May Well Wind Up With A Large French Bread Knife Between His Ribs.

I Cannot Say That I Don't Disagree With You.

I Was Born At A Very Early Age. Before I Had Time To Regret It, I Was Four And A Half Years Old.

Hey You! I Told You To Slow That Nag Down! Because Of You, I Almost Heard The Opera!

Oh, Why Can't We Break Away From All This, Just You And I, And Lodge With My Fleas In The Hills? I Mean Flee To My Lodge In The Hills.

Remember Men, You Are Fighting For The Ladies Honor, Which Is Probably More Than She Ever Did.

Go, And Never Darken My Towels Again

I Hope They Bury Me Near A Strait Man

An Ounce Of Prevention Is Worth A Pound Of Bandages And Adhesive Tape.

The Only Real Laughter Comes From Despair.

Ever Since They Found Out That Lassie Was A Boy, The Public Has Believed The Worst About Hollywood

Hello, I Must Be Going.

Send Two Dozen Roses To Room 424 And Put "emily, I Love You" On The Back Of The Bill.

Before I Speak, I Have Something Important To Say.

Behind Every Successful Man Is A Woman, Behind Her Is His Wife.

I Made A Killing On Wall Street A Few Years Ago...i Shot My Broker.

With The Possible Exception Of Clothes, Beauty Salons And Frank Sinatra, There Are Few Subjects All Women Agree Upon.

Why A Four-year-old Child Could Understand This Report. Run Out And Find Me A Four-year-old Child. I Can't Make Head Nor Tail Out Of It.

I Remember The First Time I Had Sex - I Kept The Receipt.

Funny Relationship

If Women Dressed For Men, The Stores Wouldn't Sell Much - Just An Occasional Sun Visor.

I Could Dance With You Until The Cows Come Home. On Second Thought I'd Rather Dance With The Cows Until You Come Home.

My Mother Loved Children - She Would Have Given Anything If I Had Been One.

Budget: A Way Of Going Broke Methodically

I've Met A Lot Of Pin-up Girls, But I've Never Been Able To Pin One Down

You're The Most Beautiful Woman I've Ever Seen, And That's Not Saying Much For You

Beautiful Women

I'm Going To Iowa For An Award. Then I'm Appearing At Carnegie Hall, It's Sold Out. Then I'm Sailing To France To Be Honored By The French Government - I'd Give It All Up For One Erection.

You're Only As Young As The Woman You Feel.

The Alps Are A Simple Folk, Living On A Diet Of Old Shoes. And The Lord Alps Those Who Alp Themselves.

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