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Groucho: You Know I Think You're The Most Beautiful Woman In The World? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, But I Don't Mind Lying If It Gets Me Somewhere.

-Groucho Marx

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Groucho: You Know I

Groucho Marx

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Groucho: You Know I Think You're The Most Beautiful Woman In The World? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, But I Don't Mind Lying If It Gets Me Somewhere.

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If We Had Some Eggs We Could Have Eggs And Ham, If We Had Some Ham.

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Even The Intellectual Crowd Will Have None Of Me. Physically, I Look Like One Of Them. Graying At The Temples, I Walk With A Slight Limp And Wear Thick Glasses.

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If Income Tax Is The Price You Have To Pay To Keep The Government On Its Feet, Alimony Is The Price We Have To Pay For Sweeping A Woman Off Hers.

Would You Mind Getting Off That Fly Paper And Giving The Flies A Chance?" "ahhh, You Can't Trick Me! Flies Don't Read Papers!

Yes, Darling, Let Me Cover Your Face With Kisses-on Second Thought, Just Let Me Cover Your Face

I, Not Events, Have The Power To Make Me Happy Or Unhappy Today. I Can Choose Which It Shall Be. Yesterday Is Dead, Tomorrow Hasn't Arrived Yet. I Have Just One Day, Today, And I'm Going To Be Happy In It.

If They'd Lower The Taxes And Get Rid Of The Smog And Clean Up The Traffic Mess, I Really Believe I'd Settle Here Until The Next Earthquake.

Every Time Someone Turns On A Tv, I Go In The Other Room And Read.

Thirteen At A Table Is Unlucky Only, When The Hostess Has Only Twelve Chops.

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It Isn't Necessary To Have Relatives In Kansas City In Order To Be Unhappy.

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Love Flies Out The Door When Money Comes Innuendo.

Celebrate The Cracks, Because That's How The Light Comes In.

My Mother Loved Children - She Would Have Given Anything If I Had Been One.

Room Service? Send Up A Larger Room.

I Started Smoking As Soon As I Went On The Stage. I'd Make Cigars Out Of The Morning World When I Was A Kid.

I'm Not Much Of A Correspondent. My Letters Are Not Only Uninteresting But Sparse. I'm Glad I Don?t Have To Write For A Living. It?s Arduous Work And The Money Is Very Uncertain. On Those Rare Occasions When I Wander Into A Bookstore It Amazes Me To See The Avalanche Of Literature And Semi-literature That Is Turned Out Weekly In This Country. The People Who Write These Things Are Either Desperate For Money Or Love Starved. Why Should Anyone On A Nice Balmy Day Lock Oneself In An Office And Hit A Typewriter For Hours On End. I Think One Of The Greatest Pleasures In The World Is Not Writing.

He [groucho's Father] Had Absolutely No Training, And If You Had Ever Seen One Of His Suits, You'd Realize What An Accurate Statement That Is. You See, Pop Never Used A Tape Measure. He Didn't Believe In It. He Said He Could Just Look At A Man And Tell His Size, With The Result That Frequently He'd Make A Pair Of Pants With One Trouser Leg Seven Or Eight Inches Longer Than The Other.

I'm Not A Vegetarian, But I Eat Animals Who Are.

I Have A Mind To Join A Club And Beat You Over The Head With It.

Mr.blank's Reputation As A Card Shark Had Preceded Him. No One Accused Him Of Being Dishonest, But On The Other Hand No One Accused Him Of Being Honest.

A Woman Can Smell Mink Through Six Inches Of Lead.

I Don't Know. When I Was Born There Was A Nurse Taking Care Of Me." "what's The Matter? Couldn't The Nurse Take Care Of Herself?" "sure She Could. I Just Found That Out Too Late.

Remember, The Grass Is Always Greener Where You Don't Happen To Be The Neighbor.

Marriage Is The Chief Cause Of Divorce.

The Trouble With Writing A Book About Yourself Is That You Can’t Fool Around. If You Write About Someone Else, You Can Stretch The Truth From Here To Finland. If You Write About Yourself The Slightest Deviation Makes You Realize Instantly That There May Be Honor Among Thieves, But You Are Just A Dirty Liar.

I'd Have Liked To Have Gone To Bed With Jean Harlow. She Was A Beautiful Broad. The Fellow Who Married Her Was Impotent And He Killed Himself. I Would Have Done The Same Thing.

It Isn't So Much That Hard Times Are Coming; The Change Observed Is Mostly Soft Times Going.

My Plans Are Still In Embryo, A Town On The Edge Of Wishful Thinking.

Two Women At A Resort Discussed Dinner: "the Food Here Is Lousy," The First Noted. "you're Right! And Such Small Portions!!" The Second Added

Before I Speak, I Have Something Important To Say.

As Soon As I Get Through With You, You'll Have A Clear Case For Divorce And So Will My Wife.

Don't Look Now, But There's One Too Many In This Room And I Think It's You.

Hello, I Must Be Going.

The First Thing Which I Can Record Concerning Myself Is, That I Was Born. These Are Wonderful Words. This Life, To Which Neither Time Nor Eternity Can Bring Diminution - This Everlasting Living Soul, Began. My Mind Loses Itself In These Depths.

Growing Old Is Something You Do If You're Lucky.

It Is Impossible To Design Anything That Is Foolproof Because Fools Are So Ingenious.

We Took Pictures Of The Native Girls, But They Weren't Developed. . . But We're Going Back Next Week.

I Wish To Be Cremated. One Tenth Of My Ashes Shall Be Given To My Agent, As Written In Our Contract.

There's One Thing I Always Wanted To Do Before I Quit... Retire!

No, Groucho Is Not My Real Name. I Am Breaking It In For A Friend. I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception. I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book. I Have Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Wasn't It. I Didn't Like The Play, But Then I Saw It Under Adverse Conditions - The Curtain Was Up.

I Write By Ear. I Tried Writing With The Typewriter, But I Found It Too Unwieldy

One Woman And One Man Might Have Been Ok In Your Grandmother's Day, But Who Wants To Marry Your Grandmother? Not Even Your Grandfather!

I'll Teach You To Kick Me...' You Don't Need To Teach Me--i Already Know How!

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A Black Cat Crossing Your Path Signifies That The Animal Is Going Somewhere.

You've Got A Goal In Life. I've Got A Goal. Now All We Need Is A Football Team.

If It Gets Any Hotter In Here I Could Use A Big Fan.

I Don't Want To Join The Kind Of A Club That Accepts People Like Me As Members.

Why Don't You Bore A Hole In Yourself And Let The Sap Run Out?

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I Was Born At A Very Early Age. Before I Had Time To Regret It, I Was Four And A Half Years Old.

Money Cannot Buy You Happiness, And Happiness Cannot Buy You Money. That Might Be A Wise Crack, But I Doubt It.

All Geniuses Die Young.

She's Afraid That If She Leaves, She'll Become The Life Of The Party.

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I Could Dance With You Until The Cows Come Home. On Second Thought I'd Rather Dance With The Cows Until You Come Home.

Some Day There Will Have To Be Some New Rules Established About Name-calling. I Don't Mean The Routine Cursing That Goes On Between Husband And Wife, But The Naming Of Defenseless, Unsuspecting Babies.

In France, For Example, It Is Not Unusual For A Husband To Have A Wife And A Mistress. However, If In Addition To These Two He's Also Having A Fling With A Fringe Tootsie, Both The Wife And The Mistress Are Outraged And The Combination Lover, Husband, And Cheat May Well Wind Up With A Large French Bread Knife Between His Ribs.

Ever Since They Found Out That Lassie Was A Boy, The Public Has Believed The Worst About Hollywood

You're A Great Brother. You Give Us A Heart Attack Worrying About Your Heart Attack, Which You Didn't Even Have The Decency To Have!

Quote Me As Saying I Was Mis-quoted.

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He's So Full Of Alcohol, If You Put A Lighted Wick In His Mouth He'd Burn For Three Days.

Getting Older Is No Problem. You Just Have To Live Long Enough.

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[he] May Talk Like An Idiot, And Look Like An Idiot, But Don't Let That Fool You: He Really Is An Idiot.

Anybody Who Doesn't Like This Book Is Healthy

Policeman: "a Hermit Eh? Then Why's Your Table Set For Four?" Groucho: "that's Nothing. My Alarm Clock Is Set For Eight.

If The Garbage Man Calls, Tell Him We Don't Want Any.

To Write An Autobiography Of Groucho Marx Would Be As Asinine As To Read An Autobiography Of Groucho Marx.

With The Possible Exception Of Clothes, Beauty Salons And Frank Sinatra, There Are Few Subjects All Women Agree Upon.

I Know, I Know - You're A Woman Who's Had A Lot Of Tough Breaks. Well, We Can Clean And Tighten Those Brakes, But You'll Have To Stay In The Garage All Night.

I Met My Wife On A Ferry Boat, And When We Landed She Gave Me The Slip

My Brother Thinks He's A Chicken-we Don't Talk Him Out Of It Because We Need The Eggs

Bel Air, I Am Convinced, Was Laid Out By Some Diabolic Sadist Who Deliberately Decided Not To Use A Compass Or A Surveyor.

There Is No Sweeter Sound Than The Crumbling Of One's Fellow Man.

I Hope They Bury Me Near A Strait Man

Hail, Hail Freedonia, Land Of The Free!

I Don’t Have A Photograph, But You Can Have My Footprints. They’re Upstairs In My Socks.

He Thinks I Look Alike!

When I Invite A Woman To Dinner, I Expect Her To Look At My Face. That's The Price She Has To Pay.

From The Moment I Picked Your Book Up Until I Laid It Down, I Was Convulsed With Laughter. Someday I Intend Reading It.

The Difference Between A Politician And A Snail Is That The Snail Leaves Its Slime Behind. Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

I Didn't Like The Play, But Then I Saw It Under Adverse Conditions - The Curtain Was Up.

Go, And Never Darken My Towels Again

Hey, When I Said Work Fast, I Didn't Mean Your Friend, I Meant The Maid.

A Hospital Bed Is A Parked Taxi With The Meter Running.

Will You Marry Me? Do You Have Any Money? Answer The Second Question First.

Tv Is The Rat Race Of The Century.

You've Forgotten Those June Nights At The Riviera...the Night I Drank Champagne From Your Slipper - Two Quarts. It Would Have Been More But You Were Wearing Inner Soles.

In America You Can Go On The Air And Kid The Politicians, And The Politicians Can Go On The Air And Kid The People.

Do You Suppose I Could Buy Back My Introduction To You?

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Who Are You Going To Believe, Me Or Your Own Eyes?

A Moose Is An Animal With Horns On The Front Of Its Head And A Hunting Lodge Wall On The Back Of It

If You Were A Man, You'd Go Into Business For Yourself. I Know A Fellow Who Started Out Last Year With Just A Canoe. Now He's Got More Women Than You Can Shake A Stick At, If That's Your Idea Of A Good Time.

Only If The Computers Really Love Each Other.

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How Do You Feel About Women's Rights? I Like Either Side Of Them.

Madam, You're Making History, In Fact, You're Making Me, And I Wish You'd Keep My Hands To Yourself

An Ounce Of Prevention Is Worth A Pound Of Bandages And Adhesive Tape.

Alimony Is Like Buying Hay For A Dead Horse.

I've Been Looking For A Girl Like You - Not You, But A Girl Like You.

Today's Father Day And We're Giving You A Tie, It's Not Much You Know, It's Just Our Way Of Showing You, You're A Regular Guy.

The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract As The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract-- Look, Why Should We Quarrel About A Thing Like This? We'll Take It Right Out, Eh?

I've Known And Respected Your Husband For Many Years, And What's Good Enough For Him Is Good Enough For Me

I Think You've Got Something There, But I'll Wait Outside Until You Clean It Up.

That's Nothing - My Alarm Clock Is Set For Eight.

Anyone Who Says He Can See Through Women Is Missing A Lot.

The Only Game I Like To Play Is "old Maid", Providing She's Not Too Old

I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception.

The Alps Are A Simple Folk, Living On A Diet Of Old Shoes. And The Lord Alps Those Who Alp Themselves.

That's Bad Luck: Three On A Midget. From "at The Circus

One Of The Best Hearing Aids A Man Can Have Is An Attentive Wife.

Next Time I See You, Remind Me Not To Talk To You.

I'm Leaving Because The Weather Is Too Good. I Hate London When It's Not Raining.

Afraid? Me? A Man Who's Licked His Weight In Wild Caterpillars?

If You Find It Hard To Laugh At Yourself, I Would Be Happy To Do It For You.

A Clown Is Like Aspirin, Only He Works Twice As Fast.

Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

I Was Going To Thrash Them Within An Inch Of Their Lives, But I Didn't Have A Tape Measure.

I Did Toy With The Idea Of Doing A Cook-book. . . . I Think A Lot Of People Who Hate Literature But Love Fried Eggs Would Buy It If The Price Was Right.

I Cannot Say That I Don't Disagree With You.

I Think Women Are Sexy When They Got Some Clothes On. And If Later They Take Them Off Then You've Triumphed. Somebody Once Said It's What You Dont See You're Interested In, And This Is True.

I Would Never Join A Country Club With Standards So Low As To Allow Me As A Member.

I Did Toy With The Idea Of Doing A Cook-book . . . The Recipes Were To Be The Routine Ones: How To Make Dry Toast, Instant Coffee, Hearts Of Lettuce And Brownies. But As An Added Attraction, At No Extra Charge, My Idea Was To Put A Fried Egg On The Cover. I Think A Lot Of People Who Hate Literature But Love Fried Eggs Would Buy It If The Price Was Right.

Any Place I Hang My Head Is Home.

Why A Four-year-old Child Could Understand This Report. Run Out And Find Me A Four-year-old Child. I Can't Make Head Nor Tail Out Of It.

I'm Not Feeling Very Well - I Need A Doctor Immediately. Ring The Nearest Golf Course.

The Admission Fee Was A Viper's Tongue And A Half-concealed Stiletto. It Was A Sort Of Intellectual Slaughterhouse.

This Would Be A Better Place For Children If Parents Had To Eat Spinach.

Do You Mind If I Don't Smoke?

Why Would I Want To Join An Organization That Would Encourage People Like Myself To Become Members.

In Any Relationship, The Woman Has Control, The Clever Ones Don't Let The Men Know.

What Have Future Generations Ever Done For Us?

Future Generation

While Money Can't Buy Happiness, It Certainly Lets You Choose Your Own Form Of Misery.

Don't Be Silly. I'll Write You Twice A Week.

Comedians Are A Much Rarer And Far More Valuable Commodity Than All The Gold And Precious Stones In The World.

Precious Stones

Before You Speak, Make Certain You Have Something Worthwhile To Say.

Take Two Turkeys, One Goose, Four Cabbages, But No Duck, And Mix Them Together. After One Taste, You'll Duck Soup For The Rest Of Your Life

Just Give Me A Comfortable Couch, A Dog, A Good Book, And A Woman. Then If You Can Get The Dog To Go Somewhere And Read The Book, I Might Have A Little Fun.

There's One Way To Find Out If A Man Is Honest - Ask Him. If He Says, 'yes,' You Know He Is A Crook.

Budget: A Way Of Going Broke Methodically

I Was So Long Writing My Review That I Never Got Around To Reading The Book.

Marriage Is A Wonderful Institution, But Who Wants To Live In An Institution?

Home Is Where You Hang Your Head.

You Call This A Party? The Beer Is Warm, The Women Cold And I'm Hot Under The Collar.

Wages? You Want To Be Wage Slaves? Answer Me That! Of Course Not. What Is It That Makes Wage Slaves? Wages! I Want You To Be Free. Strike Off Your Chains! Strike Up The Band! Strike Three You're Out! Remember, There's Nothing Like Liberty, Except Colliers And The Saturday Evening Post. Be Free, Now And Forever. One And Individual. One For All And All For Me, And Tea For Two And Six For A Quarter.

You Can Leave In A Huff. Or You Can Leave In A Minute And A Huff.

Ice Water? Get Some Onions - That'll Make Your Eyes Water!

She's So In Love With Me, She Doesn't Know Anything. That's Why She's In Love With Me.

I Have An Agreement With The Houseflies. The Flies Don't Practice Law And I Don't Walk On The Ceiling.

Send Two Dozen Roses To Room 424 And Put "emily, I Love You" On The Back Of The Bill.

Hey You! I Told You To Slow That Nag Down! Because Of You, I Almost Heard The Opera!

I Can See You In The Kitchen Bending Over A Hot Stove, And I Can't See The Stove

Age Is Not A Particularly Interesting Subject. Anyone Can Get Old. All You Have To Do Is Live Long Enough.

Well I Thought My Razor Was Dull Until I Heard His Speech, And That Reminds Me Of A Story That's So Dirty I'm Ashamed To Think Of It Myself.

Years Ago, I Tried To Top Everybody, But I Don't Anymore. I Realized It Was Killing Conversation. When You're Always Trying For A Topper You Aren't Really Listening. It Ruins Communication

I Intend To Live Forever, Or Die Trying.

Making Love To Your Wife Is Like Shooting At Sitting Ducks.

I Married Your Mother Because I Wanted Children, Imagine My Disappointment When You Came Along.

We In The Industry Know That Behind Every Successful Screenwriter Stands A Woman. And Behind Her Stands His Wife.

Time Flies Like An Arrow; Fruit Flies Like A Banana

A Man's Only As Old As The Woman He Feels.

I Worked My Way Up From Nothing To A State Of Extreme Poverty.

Don’t Ever Underestimate The Importance Of Money. I Know It’s Often Been Said That Money Won’t Make You Happy And This Is Undeniably True, But Everything Else Being Equal, It’s A Lovely Thing To Have Around The House.

Well, That Covers A Lot Of Ground. Say, You Cover A Lot Of Ground Yourself. You Better Beat It - I Hear They're Going To Tear You Down And Put Up An Office Building Where You're Standing. You Can Leave In A Taxi. If You Can't Get A Taxi, You Can Leave In A Huff. If That's Too Soon, You Can Leave In A Minute And A Huff. You Know, You Haven't Stopped Talking Since I Came Here? You Must Have Been Vaccinated With A Phonograph Needle.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

No Man Goes Before His Time - Unless The Boss Leaves Early.

I Shall Drink No #‎ Wine Before It's Time! Ok, It's Time.

Outside Of A Dog, A Book Is A Man's Best Friend. Inside Of A Dog It's Too Dark To Read.

I Made A Killing On Wall Street A Few Years Ago...i Shot My Broker.

Always Examine The Dice.

I've Met A Lot Of Pin-up Girls, But I've Never Been Able To Pin One Down

Money Will Not Make You Happy, And Happy Will Not Make You Money.

Why Was I With Her? She Reminds Me Of You. In Fact, She Reminds Me More Of You Than You Do!

The Husband Who Wants A Happy Marriage Should Learn To Keep His Mouth Shut And His Checkbook Open.

In Hollywood, Brides Keep The Bouquets And Throw Away The Groom.

Time Wounds All Heels.

Now That You're Secretary Of War, What Kind Of An Army Do You Think We Ought To Have?

Women Should Be Obscene, Not Heard.

My Experience Is That People Are Most Likely To Listen To Reason When In Bed.

I Have Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Wasn't It.

A Cigar Makers Organization Once Said That I Was The Most Famous Cigar Smoker In The World. I Dont Know If Thats True, But Once While Visiting Havana, I Went To A Cigar Factory. There Were Four Hundred People There Rolling Cigars, And When They Saw Me, They All Stood Up And Applauded.

You Know I Could Rent You Out As A Decoy For Duck Hunters?

I Love My Cigar Too, But I Take It Out Of My Mouth Once In A While.

Was That You Or The Duck?

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