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Wages? You Want To Be Wage Slaves? Answer Me That! Of Course Not. What Is It That Makes Wage Slaves? Wages! I Want You To Be Free. Strike Off Your Chains! Strike Up The Band! Strike Three You're Out! Remember, There's Nothing Like Liberty, Except Colliers And The Saturday Evening Post. Be Free, Now And Forever. One And Individual. One For All And All For Me, And Tea For Two And Six For A Quarter.

-Groucho Marx

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Wages? You Want To

Groucho Marx

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Wages? You Want To Be Wage Slaves? Answer Me That! Of Course Not. What Is It That Makes Wage Slaves? Wages! I Want You To Be Free. Strike Off Your Chains! Strike Up The Band! Strike Three You're Out! Remember, There's Nothing Like Liberty, Except Colliers And The Saturday Evening Post. Be Free, Now And Forever. One And Individual. One For All And All For Me, And Tea For Two And Six For A Quarter.

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Bel Air, I Am Convinced, Was Laid Out By Some Diabolic Sadist Who Deliberately Decided Not To Use A Compass Or A Surveyor.

I'm Not Crazy About Reality, But It's Still The Only Place To Get A Decent Meal.

Policeman: "a Hermit Eh? Then Why's Your Table Set For Four?" Groucho: "that's Nothing. My Alarm Clock Is Set For Eight.

A Cigar Makers Organization Once Said That I Was The Most Famous Cigar Smoker In The World. I Dont Know If Thats True, But Once While Visiting Havana, I Went To A Cigar Factory. There Were Four Hundred People There Rolling Cigars, And When They Saw Me, They All Stood Up And Applauded.

Who Are You Going To Believe, Me Or Your Own Eyes?

Don't Be Silly. I'll Write You Twice A Week.

Marriage Is A Wonderful Institution, But Who Wants To Live In An Institution?

But What Makes Wage Slaves? Wages!

Humor Is Reason Gone Mad.

Outside Of A Dog, A Book Is A Man's Best Friend. Inside Of A Dog It's Too Dark To Read.

He's So Full Of Alcohol, If You Put A Lighted Wick In His Mouth He'd Burn For Three Days.

This Book Was Written In Those Long Hours I Spent Waiting For My Wife To Get Dressed To Go Out. And If She Had Never Gotten Dressed At All This Book Would Never Have Been Written.

Budget: A Way Of Going Broke Methodically

I Was Married By A Judge. I Should Have Asked For A Jury.

I Intend To Live Forever, Or Die Trying.

I'll Teach You To Kick Me...' You Don't Need To Teach Me--i Already Know How!

Only If The Computers Really Love Each Other.

Love Each Other

If You Take Cranberries And Stew Them Like Apple Sauce, It Tastes Much More Like Prunes Than Rhubarb Does.

There's One Thing I Always Wanted To Do Before I Quit... Retire!

I Would Never Join A Country Club With Standards So Low As To Allow Me As A Member.

Celebrate The Cracks, Because That's How The Light Comes In.

Any Place I Hang My Head Is Home.

You're A Great Brother. You Give Us A Heart Attack Worrying About Your Heart Attack, Which You Didn't Even Have The Decency To Have!

If You Find It Hard To Laugh At Yourself, I Would Be Happy To Do It For You.

I Made A Killing On Wall Street A Few Years Ago...i Shot My Broker.

The Only Game I Like To Play Is "old Maid", Providing She's Not Too Old

You're Heading For A Breakdown. Why Don't You Pull Yourself To Pieces?

A Woman Can Smell Mink Through Six Inches Of Lead.

It Is Impossible To Design Anything That Is Foolproof Because Fools Are So Ingenious.

We In The Industry Know That Behind Every Successful Screenwriter Stands A Woman. And Behind Her Stands His Wife.

One Morning I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas. How He Got Into My Pajamas I'll Never Know.

I Could Dance With You Until The Cows Come Home. On Second Thought I'd Rather Dance With The Cows Until You Come Home.

Don't Let The Fear Of The Thorn Keep You From The Rose.

Groucho: You Know I Think You're The Most Beautiful Woman In The World? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, But I Don't Mind Lying If It Gets Me Somewhere.

Home Is Where You Hang Your Head.

When Discovered By His Wife, Kissing The Maid, Groucho Said, "i Was Just Whispering In Her Mouth"

Mrs. Teasdale Calls For Rescue And Firefly Delivers The Famous Line To His Cohorts As They Rescue Her: "remember, You're Fighting For This Woman's Honor, Which Is Probably More Than She Ever Did."

If Income Tax Is The Price You Have To Pay To Keep The Government On Its Feet, Alimony Is The Price We Have To Pay For Sweeping A Woman Off Hers.

To Write An Autobiography Of Groucho Marx Would Be As Asinine As To Read An Autobiography Of Groucho Marx.

A Child Of Five Would Understand This. Send Someone To Fetch A Child Of Five.

Every Time Someone Turns On A Tv, I Go In The Other Room And Read.

All People Are Born Alike - Except Republicans And Democrats.

I Didn't Like The Play, But Then I Saw It Under Adverse Conditions - The Curtain Was Up.

Before You Speak, Make Certain You Have Something Worthwhile To Say.

The Months Before My Son Was Born, I Used To Yell From Night To Morn, 'whatever It Is, I'm Against It! No Matter What It Is Or Who Commenced It, I'm Against It!'

I Don't Care To Belong To A Club That Accepts People Like Me As Members.

There Is No Sweeter Sound Than The Crumbling Of One's Fellow Man.

Remember Men, You Are Fighting For The Ladies Honor, Which Is Probably More Than She Ever Did.

She Got Her Looks From Her Father. He's A Plastic Surgeon.

I Must Confess, I Was Born At A Very Early Age.

Practically Everybody In New York Has Half A Mind To Write A Book, And Does.

It's Hard To Get Ivory In Africa, But In Alabama The Tuscaloosa

I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book.

Even The Intellectual Crowd Will Have None Of Me. Physically, I Look Like One Of Them. Graying At The Temples, I Walk With A Slight Limp And Wear Thick Glasses.

Politics Is The Art Of Looking For Trouble, Finding It Everywhere, Diagnosing It Incorrectly And Applying The Wrong Remedies.

We Took Pictures Of The Native Girls, But They Weren't Developed. . . But We're Going Back Next Week.

I Shall Drink No #‎ Wine Before It's Time! Ok, It's Time.

[he] May Talk Like An Idiot, And Look Like An Idiot, But Don't Let That Fool You: He Really Is An Idiot.

If Women Dressed For Men, The Stores Wouldn't Sell Much - Just An Occasional Sun Visor.

I Love My Cigar Too, But I Take It Out Of My Mouth Once In A While.

Why Don't You Bore A Hole In Yourself And Let The Sap Run Out?

Most Young Women Do Not Welcome Promiscuous Advances. (either That, Or My Luck's Terrible.)

The Alps Are A Simple Folk, Living On A Diet Of Old Shoes. And The Lord Alps Those Who Alp Themselves.

And Stop Pointing That Beard At Me, It Might Go Off!

I'm Gonna Put Extra Blankets, Free, In All Your Rooms, And There'll Be No Cover Charge.

A Woman Is An Occasional Pleasure But A Cigar Is Always A Smoke.

Ever Since They Found Out That Lassie Was A Boy, The Public Has Believed The Worst About Hollywood

Clowns Work As Well As Aspirin, But Twice As Fast.

If They'd Lower The Taxes And Get Rid Of The Smog And Clean Up The Traffic Mess, I Really Believe I'd Settle Here Until The Next Earthquake.

If You Are Not Having Fun You Are Doing Something Wrong.

Yes, Darling, Let Me Cover Your Face With Kisses-on Second Thought, Just Let Me Cover Your Face

Hello, I Must Be Going.

Now That You're Secretary Of War, What Kind Of An Army Do You Think We Ought To Have?

[mrs. Teasdale]: He's Had A Change Of Heart. [groucho]: A Lot Of Good That'll Do Him. He's Still Got The Same Face.

Take Two Turkeys, One Goose, Four Cabbages, But No Duck, And Mix Them Together. After One Taste, You'll Duck Soup For The Rest Of Your Life

I Did Toy With The Idea Of Doing A Cook-book . . . The Recipes Were To Be The Routine Ones: How To Make Dry Toast, Instant Coffee, Hearts Of Lettuce And Brownies. But As An Added Attraction, At No Extra Charge, My Idea Was To Put A Fried Egg On The Cover. I Think A Lot Of People Who Hate Literature But Love Fried Eggs Would Buy It If The Price Was Right.

Here's To Our Wives And Girlfriends...may They Never Meet!

John You Say You Met In An Elevator. Was The Elevator Going Up At The Time, Or Down? This Is Very Important, For Going Down In An Elevator One Always Has That Sinking Feeling And For All I Know You May Have This Confused With Love. If You Were Going Up, It Is Clearly A Case Of Love At First Sight.

Middle Age Is When You Go To Bed At Night And Hope You Feel Better In The Morning. Old Age Is When You Go To Bed At Night And Hope You Wake Up In The Morning.

Time Flies Like An Arrow; Fruit Flies Like A Banana

You Know I Could Rent You Out As A Decoy For Duck Hunters?

If The Garbage Man Calls, Tell Him We Don't Want Any.

Afraid? Me? A Man Who's Licked His Weight In Wild Caterpillars?

Let There Be Dancing In The Streets, Drinking In The Saloons, And Necking In The Parlor.

I Never Go To Movies Where The Hero's Tits Are Bigger Than The Heroine's.

Firefly: Where Is Your Husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, He's Dead. Firefly: I'll Bet He's Just Using That As An Excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I Was With Him To The Very End. Firefly: Hmmph. No Wonder He Passed Away. Mrs. Teasdale: I Held Him In My Arms And Kissed Him. Firefly: Oh I See. Then, It Was Murder.

I'm Not Going To Pay Good Money To Join A Club That Lets In People Like Me.

I, Not Events, Have The Power To Make Me Happy Or Unhappy Today. I Can Choose Which It Shall Be. Yesterday Is Dead, Tomorrow Hasn't Arrived Yet. I Have Just One Day, Today, And I'm Going To Be Happy In It.

A Thing That Has Always Baffled Me About Women Is That They Will Saturate Themselves With A Pint Of Perfume, A Pound Of Sachet Powder, An Evil-smelling Lip Rouge, A Peculiar-smelling Hair Ointment And A Half-dozen Varieties Of Body Oils, And Then Have The Effrontery To Complain Of The Aroma Of A Fine Dollar Cigar.

Here Lies Groucho Marx And Lies And Lies And Lies P.s. He Never Kissed An Ugly Girl.

Marriage Is The Chief Cause Of Divorce.

Military Justice Is To Justice What Military Music Is To Music.

Before I Speak, I Have Something Important To Say.

While Money Can't Buy Happiness, It Certainly Lets You Choose Your Own Form Of Misery.

Well I Thought My Razor Was Dull Until I Heard His Speech, And That Reminds Me Of A Story That's So Dirty I'm Ashamed To Think Of It Myself.

I Must Say I Find Television Very Educational. The Minute Somebody Turns It On, I Go To The Library And Read A Good Book. Another Version I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book. Another Version I Find Television Very Educational. Every Time Someone Turns It On, I Go In The Other Room And Read A Book.

Send Two Dozen Roses To Room 424 And Put "emily, I Love You" On The Back Of The Bill.

Will You Marry Me? Do You Have Any Money? Answer The Second Question First.

Since My Daughter Is Only Half-jewish, Could She Go In The Water Up To Her Knees?

Go, And Never Darken My Towels Again

My Favourite Poem Is The One That Starts 'thirty Days Hath September' Because It Actually Tells You Something.

Die, My Dear? Why That's The Last Thing I'll Do!

Famous Last Words

Blood's Not Thicker Than Money.

In Any Relationship, The Woman Has Control, The Clever Ones Don't Let The Men Know.

Some Day There Will Have To Be Some New Rules Established About Name-calling. I Don't Mean The Routine Cursing That Goes On Between Husband And Wife, But The Naming Of Defenseless, Unsuspecting Babies.

Madam, You're Making History, In Fact, You're Making Me, And I Wish You'd Keep My Hands To Yourself

Politics Doesn't Make Strange Bedfellows - Marriage Does.

I've Met A Lot Of Pin-up Girls, But I've Never Been Able To Pin One Down

You're The Most Beautiful Woman I've Ever Seen, And That's Not Saying Much For You

Beautiful Women

I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception.

You Can Leave In A Huff. Or You Can Leave In A Minute And A Huff.

I Think That The Peeps Or Peppies Or Pipes Diaries Would Be Much More Popular Had There Been A Universal Pronuncation Of His Name.

The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract As The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract-- Look, Why Should We Quarrel About A Thing Like This? We'll Take It Right Out, Eh?

Remember, The Grass Is Always Greener Where You Don't Happen To Be The Neighbor.

I'd Like To Meet The Person Who Invented Sex And See What They're Working On Now.

Either He's Dead Or My Watch Has Stopped.

Behind Every Successful Man Is A Woman, Behind Her Is His Wife.

I Can See You In The Kitchen Bending Over A Hot Stove, And I Can't See The Stove

The Trouble With Writing A Book About Yourself Is That You Can’t Fool Around. If You Write About Someone Else, You Can Stretch The Truth From Here To Finland. If You Write About Yourself The Slightest Deviation Makes You Realize Instantly That There May Be Honor Among Thieves, But You Are Just A Dirty Liar.

Getting Older Is No Problem. You Just Have To Live Long Enough.

As Soon As I Get Through With You, You'll Have A Clear Case For Divorce And So Will My Wife.

No One Is Completely Unhappy At The Failure Of His Best Friend.

Age Is Not A Particularly Interesting Subject. Anyone Can Get Old. All You Have To Do Is Live Long Enough.

Don't Look Now, But There's One Too Many In This Room And I Think It's You.

Each Morning When I Open My Eyes I Say To Myself: I, Not Events, Have The Power To Make Me Happy Or Unhappy Today.

I've Been Looking For A Girl Like You - Not You, But A Girl Like You.

I Think You've Got Something There, But I'll Wait Outside Until You Clean It Up.

Believe Me, You Have To Get Up Early If You Want To Get Out Of Bed.

Hey, When I Said Work Fast, I Didn't Mean Your Friend, I Meant The Maid.

I Read In The Newspapers They Are Going To Have 30 Minutes Of Intellectual Stuff On Television Every Monday From 7:30 To 8. To Educate America. They Couldn't Educate America If They Started At 6:30.

I'd Have Liked To Have Gone To Bed With Jean Harlow. She Was A Beautiful Broad. The Fellow Who Married Her Was Impotent And He Killed Himself. I Would Have Done The Same Thing.

Come On In Girls, And Leave All Hope Behind.

I Wish You'd Keep My Hands To Yourself.

Patience Is The Art Of Finding Something Else To Do.

Thirteen At A Table Is Unlucky Only, When The Hostess Has Only Twelve Chops.

The Foods That Are Recommended Today Are As Palatable As A Steady Diet Of Wet Blotters.

My Experience Is That People Are Most Likely To Listen To Reason When In Bed.

I Did Toy With The Idea Of Doing A Cook-book. . . . I Think A Lot Of People Who Hate Literature But Love Fried Eggs Would Buy It If The Price Was Right.

You've Got A Goal In Life. I've Got A Goal. Now All We Need Is A Football Team.

Was That You Or The Duck?

I Hope They Bury Me Near A Strait Man

I Could Dance With You Till The Cows Come Home. Better Still, I'll Dance With The Cows And You Come Home." Groucho Marx Was Never One To Pass Up An Opportunity For A Play On Words And This Occurs In His Dialogue Of The 1933 Film Duck Soup.

An Ounce Of Prevention Is Worth A Pound Of Bandages And Adhesive Tape.

I Married Your Mother Because I Wanted Children, Imagine My Disappointment When You Came Along.

I Don't Want To Join The Kind Of A Club That Accepts People Like Me As Members.

Heifer Cow Is Better Than None, But This Is No Time For Puns

I Met My Wife On A Ferry Boat, And When We Landed She Gave Me The Slip

You Get A Canoe Later And I'll Paddle You.

Now There's A Man With An Open Mind - You Can Feel The Breeze From Here!

I Was So Long Writing My Review That I Never Got Around To Reading The Book.

No, Groucho Is Not My Real Name. I Am Breaking It In For A Friend.

Time Wounds All Heels.

A Man's Only As Old As The Woman He Feels.

Only One Man In A Thousand Is A Leader Of Men -- The Other 999 Follow Women.

A Moose Is An Animal With Horns On The Front Of Its Head And A Hunting Lodge Wall On The Back Of It

I Was Born At A Very Early Age. Before I Had Time To Regret It, I Was Four And A Half Years Old.

Well, That Covers A Lot Of Ground. Say, You Cover A Lot Of Ground Yourself. You Better Beat It - I Hear They're Going To Tear You Down And Put Up An Office Building Where You're Standing. You Can Leave In A Taxi. If You Can't Get A Taxi, You Can Leave In A Huff. If That's Too Soon, You Can Leave In A Minute And A Huff. You Know, You Haven't Stopped Talking Since I Came Here? You Must Have Been Vaccinated With A Phonograph Needle.

Given The Choice Between A Woman And A Cigar, I Will Always Choose The Cigar.

Africa Is God's Country, And He Can Have It.

Animal Crackers

One Of The Best Hearing Aids A Man Can Have Is An Attentive Wife.

That's Bad Luck: Three On A Midget. From "at The Circus

The Only Real Laughter Comes From Despair.

From The Moment I Picked Your Book Up Until I Laid It Down, I Was Convulsed With Laughter. Someday I Intend Reading It.

You Bet I'm Shy. I'm A Shyster Lawyer.

Blessed Are The Cracked, For They Shall Let In The Light.

I Hate London When It's Not Raining.

The Difference Between A Politician And A Snail Is That The Snail Leaves Its Slime Behind. Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

I Refuse To Join Any Club That Would Have Me As A Member.

If It Gets Any Hotter In Here I Could Use A Big Fan.

One Woman And One Man Might Have Been Ok In Your Grandmother's Day, But Who Wants To Marry Your Grandmother? Not Even Your Grandfather!

How Much Would You Want To Stand At The Wrong End Of A Shooting Gallery?

Room Service? Send Up A Larger Room.

He Thinks I Look Alike!

I've Been Around So Long, I Knew Doris Day Before She Was A Virgin.

I Have Nothing But Respect For You -- And Not Much Of That.

Wages? You Want To Be Wage Slaves? Answer Me That! Of Course Not. What Is It That Makes Wage Slaves? Wages! I Want You To Be Free. Strike Off Your Chains! Strike Up The Band! Strike Three You're Out! Remember, There's Nothing Like Liberty, Except Colliers And The Saturday Evening Post. Be Free, Now And Forever. One And Individual. One For All And All For Me, And Tea For Two And Six For A Quarter.

I Know A Member Of One Of New York's First Families (first As You Drive Up Tenth Avenue)

Next Time I See You, Remind Me Not To Talk To You.

If We Had Some Eggs We Could Have Eggs And Ham, If We Had Some Ham.

With A Little Study You'll Go A Long Ways, And I Wish You'd Start Now

The Arab And The Camel Are Inseparable. It's Been Said That And Arab Would Give Up His Wife Rather Than Give Up His Camel. Personally, I Haven't Got A Camel, But I Think It's A Great Idea.

The Husband Who Wants A Happy Marriage Should Learn To Keep His Mouth Shut And His Checkbook Open.

You Are Going Uruguay, And I'm Going My Way

I Started Smoking As Soon As I Went On The Stage. I'd Make Cigars Out Of The Morning World When I Was A Kid.

No Man Goes Before His Time - Unless The Boss Leaves Early.

Anybody Who Doesn't Like This Book Is Healthy

Man Does Not Control His Own Fate. The Women In His Life Do That For Him.

With The Possible Exception Of Clothes, Beauty Salons And Frank Sinatra, There Are Few Subjects All Women Agree Upon.

Well, Art Is Art, Isn't It? Still, On The Other Hand, Water Is Water.

Wives Are People Who Feel They Don't Dance Enough.

Obviously There Was No Point In Being A Bachelor If His Houseman Was Going To Filch His Booze. If He Was Going To Get Robbed, He Might Just As Well Get Married.

Many Years Ago I Chased A Woman For Almost Two Years, Only To Discover That Her Tastes Were Exactly Like Mine: We Both Were Crazy About Girls.

All Geniuses Die Young.

Tv Is The Rat Race Of The Century.

Anyone Buying This Book Is Going To Be Out A Tidy Sum If He Is Sucked In By The Title. I Wish I Could Write A Real Sexy Book That Would Be Barred From The Mails. Apparently Nothing Whets A Reader's Appetite For Literature More Than The News That The Author Has Been Thrown Into A Federal Pokey For Disturbing The Libido Of Millions Of Americans.

Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

I Write By Ear. I Tried Writing With The Typewriter, But I Found It Too Unwieldy

I'm Not Much Of A Correspondent. My Letters Are Not Only Uninteresting But Sparse. I'm Glad I Don?t Have To Write For A Living. It?s Arduous Work And The Money Is Very Uncertain. On Those Rare Occasions When I Wander Into A Bookstore It Amazes Me To See The Avalanche Of Literature And Semi-literature That Is Turned Out Weekly In This Country. The People Who Write These Things Are Either Desperate For Money Or Love Starved. Why Should Anyone On A Nice Balmy Day Lock Oneself In An Office And Hit A Typewriter For Hours On End. I Think One Of The Greatest Pleasures In The World Is Not Writing.

My Plans Are Still In Embryo, A Town On The Edge Of Wishful Thinking.

Love Had Forged Ahead So Swiftly That In No Time It Had Displaced Agriculture As The Leading Industry Of The Period. To Anyone Who Has Tried Both, This Wont Come As Much Of A Surprise.

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