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I Could Dance With You Till The Cows Come Home. Better Still, I'll Dance With The Cows And You Come Home." Groucho Marx Was Never One To Pass Up An Opportunity For A Play On Words And This Occurs In His Dialogue Of The 1933 Film Duck Soup.

-Groucho Marx

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I Could Dance With

Groucho Marx

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I Could Dance With You Till The Cows Come Home. Better Still, I'll Dance With The Cows And You Come Home." Groucho Marx Was Never One To Pass Up An Opportunity For A Play On Words And This Occurs In His Dialogue Of The 1933 Film Duck Soup.

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More From Groucho Marx

Don’t Ever Underestimate The Importance Of Money. I Know It’s Often Been Said That Money Won’t Make You Happy And This Is Undeniably True, But Everything Else Being Equal, It’s A Lovely Thing To Have Around The House.

There's A Man Outside With A Big Black Mustache. - Tell Him I've Got One.

Getting Older Is No Problem. You Just Have To Live Long Enough.

How Do You Feel About Women's Rights? I Like Either Side Of Them.

One Morning I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas. How He Got Into My Pajamas I'll Never Know.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Cry And You're Probably Watching The Wrong Channel.

Love Had Forged Ahead So Swiftly That In No Time It Had Displaced Agriculture As The Leading Industry Of The Period. To Anyone Who Has Tried Both, This Wont Come As Much Of A Surprise.

I Came Here For A Party And What Do I Get? Nothing. Not Even Ice Cream.

Why, I'd Horse-whip You If I Had A Horse.

I Refuse To Join Any Club That Would Have Me As A Member.

You Get A Canoe Later And I'll Paddle You.

The Arab And The Camel Are Inseparable. It's Been Said That And Arab Would Give Up His Wife Rather Than Give Up His Camel. Personally, I Haven't Got A Camel, But I Think It's A Great Idea.

He [groucho's Father] Had Absolutely No Training, And If You Had Ever Seen One Of His Suits, You'd Realize What An Accurate Statement That Is. You See, Pop Never Used A Tape Measure. He Didn't Believe In It. He Said He Could Just Look At A Man And Tell His Size, With The Result That Frequently He'd Make A Pair Of Pants With One Trouser Leg Seven Or Eight Inches Longer Than The Other.

Now That You're Secretary Of War, What Kind Of An Army Do You Think We Ought To Have?

I Made A Killing On Wall Street A Few Years Ago...i Shot My Broker.

Well, That Covers A Lot Of Ground. Say, You Cover A Lot Of Ground Yourself. You Better Beat It - I Hear They're Going To Tear You Down And Put Up An Office Building Where You're Standing. You Can Leave In A Taxi. If You Can't Get A Taxi, You Can Leave In A Huff. If That's Too Soon, You Can Leave In A Minute And A Huff. You Know, You Haven't Stopped Talking Since I Came Here? You Must Have Been Vaccinated With A Phonograph Needle.

I Know, I Know - You're A Woman Who's Had A Lot Of Tough Breaks. Well, We Can Clean And Tighten Those Brakes, But You'll Have To Stay In The Garage All Night.

Today's Father Day And We're Giving You A Tie, It's Not Much You Know, It's Just Our Way Of Showing You, You're A Regular Guy.

Dig Trenches? With Our Men Being Killed Off Like Flies? There Isn't Time To Dig Trenches. We'll Have To Buy Them Ready Made.

Wives Are People Who Feel They Don't Dance Enough.

The Only Game I Like To Play Is "old Maid", Providing She's Not Too Old

Before I Speak, I Have Something Important To Say.

And Stop Pointing That Beard At Me, It Might Go Off!

I Have A Mind To Join A Club And Beat You Over The Head With It.

Why Don't You Go Home To Your Wife? Better Yet, I'll Go Home To Your Wife, And Outside Of The Improvement, She Won't Notice Any Difference.

Time Flies Like An Arrow; Fruit Flies Like A Banana

Don't Let The Fear Of The Thorn Keep You From The Rose.

He's So Full Of Alcohol, If You Put A Lighted Wick In His Mouth He'd Burn For Three Days.

If You Want To See A Comic Strip, You Should See Me In The Shower.

In France, For Example, It Is Not Unusual For A Husband To Have A Wife And A Mistress. However, If In Addition To These Two He's Also Having A Fling With A Fringe Tootsie, Both The Wife And The Mistress Are Outraged And The Combination Lover, Husband, And Cheat May Well Wind Up With A Large French Bread Knife Between His Ribs.

The Foods That Are Recommended Today Are As Palatable As A Steady Diet Of Wet Blotters.

Heifer Cow Is Better Than None, But This Is No Time For Puns

Humor Is Reason Gone Mad.

You Bet I'm Shy. I'm A Shyster Lawyer.

I'm Not Feeling Very Well - I Need A Doctor Immediately. Ring The Nearest Golf Course.

I Think That The Peeps Or Peppies Or Pipes Diaries Would Be Much More Popular Had There Been A Universal Pronuncation Of His Name.

Growing Old Is Something You Do If You're Lucky.

I Can't Understand Why You Don't Get Any Mail From Me. Perhaps It's Because I Haven't Been Writing

Now There's A Man With An Open Mind - You Can Feel The Breeze From Here!

Given The Choice Between A Woman And A Cigar, I Will Always Choose The Cigar.

Each Morning When I Open My Eyes I Say To Myself: I, Not Events, Have The Power To Make Me Happy Or Unhappy Today.

Why A Four-year-old Child Could Understand This Report. Run Out And Find Me A Four-year-old Child. I Can't Make Head Nor Tail Out Of It.

Only If The Computers Really Love Each Other.

Love Each Other

Why Would I Want To Join An Organization That Would Encourage People Like Myself To Become Members.

Afraid? Me? A Man Who's Licked His Weight In Wild Caterpillars?

I Never Go To Movies Where The Hero's Tits Are Bigger Than The Heroine's.

Anyone Who Says He Can See Through Women Is Missing A Lot.

A Man's Only As Old As The Woman He Feels.

A Woman Can Smell Mink Through Six Inches Of Lead.

To Write An Autobiography Of Groucho Marx Would Be As Asinine As To Read An Autobiography Of Groucho Marx.

Jail Is No Place For A Young Fellow. There's No Advancement.

Policeman: "a Hermit Eh? Then Why's Your Table Set For Four?" Groucho: "that's Nothing. My Alarm Clock Is Set For Eight.

Africa Is God's Country, And He Can Have It.

Animal Crackers

You Call This A Party? The Beer Is Warm, The Women Cold And I'm Hot Under The Collar.

I Have Just One Day, Today, And I'm Going To Be Happy In It.

Positive Thinking

I've Known And Respected Your Husband For Many Years, And What's Good Enough For Him Is Good Enough For Me

It Isn't So Much That Hard Times Are Coming; The Change Observed Is Mostly Soft Times Going.

I've Met A Lot Of Pin-up Girls, But I've Never Been Able To Pin One Down

Gentlemen, Chicolini Here May Talk Like An Idiot, And Look Like An Idiot, But Don't Let That Fool You: He Really Is An Idiot. I Implore You, Send Him Back To His Father And Brothers, Who Are Waiting For Him With Open Arms In The Penitentiary. I Suggest That We Give Him Ten Years In Leavenworth, Or Eleven Years In Twelveworth.

I'm Leaving Because The Weather Is Too Good. I Hate London When It's Not Raining.

Why Should I Care About Posterity? What's Posterity Ever Done For Me?

Firefly: Where Is Your Husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, He's Dead. Firefly: I'll Bet He's Just Using That As An Excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I Was With Him To The Very End. Firefly: Hmmph. No Wonder He Passed Away. Mrs. Teasdale: I Held Him In My Arms And Kissed Him. Firefly: Oh I See. Then, It Was Murder.

I Didn't Like The Play, But Then I Saw It Under Adverse Conditions - The Curtain Was Up.

Ice Water? Get Some Onions - That'll Make Your Eyes Water!

I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception.

Poverty Makes People Sub-human Excess Of Wealth Makes People Inhuman

How Would You Like To Feel The Way She Looks?

Why Was I With Her? She Reminds Me Of You. In Fact, She Reminds Me More Of You Than You Do!

I Was Married By A Judge. I Should Have Asked For A Jury.

I've Been Around So Long, I Knew Doris Day Before She Was A Virgin.

An Ounce Of Prevention Is Worth A Pound Of Bandages And Adhesive Tape.

The Admission Fee Was A Viper's Tongue And A Half-concealed Stiletto. It Was A Sort Of Intellectual Slaughterhouse.

Oh, Why Can't We Break Away From All This, Just You And I, And Lodge With My Fleas In The Hills? I Mean Flee To My Lodge In The Hills.

I've Got The Brain Of A Four Year Old. I'll Bet He Was Glad To Be Rid Of It.

I Think Women Are Sexy When They Got Some Clothes On. And If Later They Take Them Off Then You've Triumphed. Somebody Once Said It's What You Dont See You're Interested In, And This Is True.

A Woman Is An Occasional Pleasure But A Cigar Is Always A Smoke.

No, Groucho Is Not My Real Name. I Am Breaking It In For A Friend. I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception. I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book. I Have Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Wasn't It. I Didn't Like The Play, But Then I Saw It Under Adverse Conditions - The Curtain Was Up.

Mr.blank's Reputation As A Card Shark Had Preceded Him. No One Accused Him Of Being Dishonest, But On The Other Hand No One Accused Him Of Being Honest.

Anybody Who Doesn't Like This Book Is Healthy

Believe Me, You Have To Get Up Early If You Want To Get Out Of Bed.

My Favourite Poem Is The One That Starts 'thirty Days Hath September' Because It Actually Tells You Something.

I Think You've Got Something There, But I'll Wait Outside Until You Clean It Up.

Well, Art Is Art, Isn't It? Still, On The Other Hand, Water Is Water.

The Alps Are A Simple Folk, Living On A Diet Of Old Shoes. And The Lord Alps Those Who Alp Themselves.

If I Held You Any Closer I Would Be On The Other Side Of You.

Life Is A Whim Of Several Billion Cells To Be You For A While

Military Intelligence Is A Contradiction In Terms.

All Geniuses Die Young.

Take Two Turkeys, One Goose, Four Cabbages, But No Duck, And Mix Them Together. After One Taste, You'll Duck Soup For The Rest Of Your Life

A Black Cat Crossing Your Path Signifies That The Animal Is Going Somewhere.

Well, Art Is Art, Isn't It? Still, On The Other Hand, Water Is Water. And East Is East And West Is West And If You Take Cranberries And Stew Them Like Applesauce They Taste Much More Like Prunes Than Rhubarb Does. Now You Tell Me What You Know.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

I Eat Like A Vulture. Unfortunately The Resemblance Doesn't End There.

Always Examine The Dice.

If We Had Some Eggs We Could Have Eggs And Ham, If We Had Some Ham.

I Don’t Have A Photograph, But You Can Have My Footprints. They’re Upstairs In My Socks.

What Have Future Generations Ever Done For Us?

Future Generation

If You've Heard This Story Before, Don't Stop Me, Because I'd Like To Hear It Again.

We Took Pictures Of The Native Girls, But They Weren't Developed. . . But We're Going Back Next Week.

I Shall Drink No #‎ Wine Before It's Time! Ok, It's Time.

A Moose Is An Animal With Horns On The Front Of Its Head And A Hunting Lodge Wall On The Back Of It

I'll Teach You To Kick Me...' You Don't Need To Teach Me--i Already Know How!

Wages? You Want To Be Wage Slaves? Answer Me That! Of Course Not. What Is It That Makes Wage Slaves? Wages! I Want You To Be Free. Strike Off Your Chains! Strike Up The Band! Strike Three You're Out! Remember, There's Nothing Like Liberty, Except Colliers And The Saturday Evening Post. Be Free, Now And Forever. One And Individual. One For All And All For Me, And Tea For Two And Six For A Quarter.

From The Moment I Picked Your Book Up Until I Laid It Down, I Was Convulsed With Laughter. Someday I Intend Reading It.

I Don't Want To Join The Kind Of A Club That Accepts People Like Me As Members.

Anyone Buying This Book Is Going To Be Out A Tidy Sum If He Is Sucked In By The Title. I Wish I Could Write A Real Sexy Book That Would Be Barred From The Mails. Apparently Nothing Whets A Reader's Appetite For Literature More Than The News That The Author Has Been Thrown Into A Federal Pokey For Disturbing The Libido Of Millions Of Americans.

Practically Everybody In New York Has Half A Mind To Write A Book, And Does.

Thirteen At A Table Is Unlucky Only, When The Hostess Has Only Twelve Chops.

The Difference Between A Politician And A Snail Is That The Snail Leaves Its Slime Behind. Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

When Discovered By His Wife, Kissing The Maid, Groucho Said, "i Was Just Whispering In Her Mouth"

Remember, The Grass Is Always Greener Where You Don't Happen To Be The Neighbor.

I'm Going To Iowa For An Award. Then I'm Appearing At Carnegie Hall, It's Sold Out. Then I'm Sailing To France To Be Honored By The French Government - I'd Give It All Up For One Erection.

There's One Way To Find Out If A Man Is Honest - Ask Him. If He Says, 'yes,' You Know He Is A Crook.

Years Ago, I Tried To Top Everybody, But I Don't Anymore. I Realized It Was Killing Conversation. When You're Always Trying For A Topper You Aren't Really Listening. It Ruins Communication

I Must Say I Find Television Very Educational. The Minute Somebody Turns It On, I Go To The Library And Read A Good Book. Another Version I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book. Another Version I Find Television Very Educational. Every Time Someone Turns It On, I Go In The Other Room And Read A Book.

I Would Never Join A Country Club With Standards So Low As To Allow Me As A Member.

Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

Here's To Our Wives And Girlfriends...may They Never Meet!

Chico: "here's The Book, It's A Dollar" Groucho: "here's A Ten, And Shoot The Change." Chico: "i Don't Have Change I'd Have To Give You Nine More Books.

Do They Allow Tipping On The Boat? - Yes, Sir. Have You Got Two Fives? - Oh, Yes, Sir. Then You Won't Need The Ten Cents I Was Going To Give You.

I Wish You'd Keep My Hands To Yourself.

Do You Suppose I Could Buy Back My Introduction To You?

My Brother Thinks He's A Chicken-we Don't Talk Him Out Of It Because We Need The Eggs

I Have Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Wasn't It.

Don't Look Now, But There's One Too Many In This Room And I Think It's You.

John You Say You Met In An Elevator. Was The Elevator Going Up At The Time, Or Down? This Is Very Important, For Going Down In An Elevator One Always Has That Sinking Feeling And For All I Know You May Have This Confused With Love. If You Were Going Up, It Is Clearly A Case Of Love At First Sight.

It Is Impossible To Design Anything That Is Foolproof Because Fools Are So Ingenious.

If Women Dressed For Men, The Stores Wouldn't Sell Much - Just An Occasional Sun Visor.

The Trouble With Writing A Book About Yourself Is That You Can’t Fool Around. If You Write About Someone Else, You Can Stretch The Truth From Here To Finland. If You Write About Yourself The Slightest Deviation Makes You Realize Instantly That There May Be Honor Among Thieves, But You Are Just A Dirty Liar.

She's So In Love With Me, She Doesn't Know Anything. That's Why She's In Love With Me.

Bel Air, I Am Convinced, Was Laid Out By Some Diabolic Sadist Who Deliberately Decided Not To Use A Compass Or A Surveyor.

I Read In The Newspapers They Are Going To Have 30 Minutes Of Intellectual Stuff On Television Every Monday From 7:30 To 8. To Educate America. They Couldn't Educate America If They Started At 6:30.

She Got Her Looks From Her Father. He's A Plastic Surgeon.

Yes, Darling, Let Me Cover Your Face With Kisses-on Second Thought, Just Let Me Cover Your Face

I Was Going To Thrash Them Within An Inch Of Their Lives, But I Didn't Have A Tape Measure.

Man Does Not Control His Own Fate. The Women In His Life Do That For Him.

She's Afraid That If She Leaves, She'll Become The Life Of The Party.

Politics Doesn't Make Strange Bedfellows - Marriage Does.

Hello, I Must Be Going, I Cannot Stay, I Came To Say, I Must Be Going. I’m Glad I Came, But Just The Same, I Must Be Going.

Animal Crackers

Before You Speak, Make Certain You Have Something Worthwhile To Say.

I'm Not Crazy About Reality, But It's Still The Only Place To Get A Decent Meal.

I Married Your Mother Because I Wanted Children, Imagine My Disappointment When You Came Along.

Marry Me And I'll Never Look At Another Horse!

Why Don't You Bore A Hole In Yourself And Let The Sap Run Out?

I Write By Ear. I Tried Writing With The Typewriter, But I Found It Too Unwieldy

I Started Smoking As Soon As I Went On The Stage. I'd Make Cigars Out Of The Morning World When I Was A Kid.

I Hope They Bury Me Near A Strait Man

If You Are Not Having Fun You Are Doing Something Wrong.

Every Time Someone Turns On A Tv, I Go In The Other Room And Read.

All People Are Born Alike - Except Republicans And Democrats.

Alimony Is Like Buying Hay For A Dead Horse.

Hello, I Must Be Going.

Be Open Minded, But Not So Open Minded That Your Brains Fall Out.

Home Is Where You Hang Your Head.

You Are Going Uruguay, And I'm Going My Way

A Thing That Has Always Baffled Me About Women Is That They Will Saturate Themselves With A Pint Of Perfume, A Pound Of Sachet Powder, An Evil-smelling Lip Rouge, A Peculiar-smelling Hair Ointment And A Half-dozen Varieties Of Body Oils, And Then Have The Effrontery To Complain Of The Aroma Of A Fine Dollar Cigar.

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It.

I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book.

How Much Would You Want To Stand At The Wrong End Of A Shooting Gallery?

If You Take Cranberries And Stew Them Like Apple Sauce, It Tastes Much More Like Prunes Than Rhubarb Does.

I Love My Cigar Too, But I Take It Out Of My Mouth Once In A While.

I Love To Read. My Education Is Self-inflicted

Go, And Never Darken My Towels Again

Who Are You Going To Believe, Me Or Your Own Eyes?

[he] May Talk Like An Idiot, And Look Like An Idiot, But Don't Let That Fool You: He Really Is An Idiot.

I Met My Wife On A Ferry Boat, And When We Landed She Gave Me The Slip

This Book Was Written In Those Long Hours I Spent Waiting For My Wife To Get Dressed To Go Out. And If She Had Never Gotten Dressed At All This Book Would Never Have Been Written.

When You're In Jail, A Good Friend Will Be Trying To Bail You Out. A Best Friend Will Be In The Cell Next To You Saying, 'damn, That Was Fun.'

Sir, Are You Trying To Offer Me A Bribe? How Much

Let There Be Dancing In The Streets, Drinking In The Saloons, And Necking In The Parlor.

I'll Never Forget My Wedding Day... They Threw Vitamin Pills

That's Bad Luck: Three On A Midget. From "at The Circus

A Cigar Makers Organization Once Said That I Was The Most Famous Cigar Smoker In The World. I Dont Know If Thats True, But Once While Visiting Havana, I Went To A Cigar Factory. There Were Four Hundred People There Rolling Cigars, And When They Saw Me, They All Stood Up And Applauded.

Comedians Are A Much Rarer And Far More Valuable Commodity Than All The Gold And Precious Stones In The World.

Precious Stones

My Experience Is That People Are Most Likely To Listen To Reason When In Bed.

This Would Be A Better Place For Children If Parents Had To Eat Spinach.

Hey You! I Told You To Slow That Nag Down! Because Of You, I Almost Heard The Opera!

Celebrate The Cracks, Because That's How The Light Comes In.

You Can Leave In A Huff. Or You Can Leave In A Minute And A Huff.

Quote Me As Saying I Was Mis-quoted.

Oh, Are You From Wales? Do You Know A Fella Named Jonah-he Used To Live In Whales For A While

Time Wounds All Heels.

This Isn't A Particularly Novel Observation, But The World Is Full Of People Who Think They Can Manipulate The Lives Of Others Merely By Getting A Law Passed.

The Only Real Laughter Comes From Despair.

Remember Men, You Are Fighting For The Ladies Honor, Which Is Probably More Than She Ever Did.

Blessed Are The Cracked, For They Shall Let In The Light.

I Know A Member Of One Of New York's First Families (first As You Drive Up Tenth Avenue)

I Remember The First Time I Had Sex - I Kept The Receipt.

Funny Relationship

Outside Of A Dog, A Book Is A Man's Best Friend. Inside Of A Dog It's Too Dark To Read.

Just Give Me A Comfortable Couch, A Dog, A Good Book, And A Woman. Then If You Can Get The Dog To Go Somewhere And Read The Book, I Might Have A Little Fun.

As Soon As I Get Through With You, You'll Have A Clear Case For Divorce And So Will My Wife.

A Child Of Five Would Understand This. Send Someone To Fetch A Child Of Five.

You've Got A Goal In Life. I've Got A Goal. Now All We Need Is A Football Team.

I Wish To Be Cremated. One Tenth Of My Ashes Shall Be Given To My Agent, As Written In Our Contract.

Blood's Not Thicker Than Money.

Middle Age Is When You Go To Bed At Night And Hope You Feel Better In The Morning. Old Age Is When You Go To Bed At Night And Hope You Wake Up In The Morning.

I Hate London When It's Not Raining.

I Worked My Way Up From Nothing To A State Of Extreme Poverty.

We In The Industry Know That Behind Every Successful Screenwriter Stands A Woman. And Behind Her Stands His Wife.

In America You Can Go On The Air And Kid The Politicians, And The Politicians Can Go On The Air And Kid The People.

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