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I Could Dance With You Till The Cows Come Home. Better Still, I'll Dance With The Cows And You Come Home." Groucho Marx Was Never One To Pass Up An Opportunity For A Play On Words And This Occurs In His Dialogue Of The 1933 Film Duck Soup.

-Groucho Marx

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I Could Dance With

Groucho Marx

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I Could Dance With You Till The Cows Come Home. Better Still, I'll Dance With The Cows And You Come Home." Groucho Marx Was Never One To Pass Up An Opportunity For A Play On Words And This Occurs In His Dialogue Of The 1933 Film Duck Soup.

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No Man Goes Before His Time - Unless The Boss Leaves Early.

I Must Confess, I Was Born At A Very Early Age.

Time Wounds All Heels.

My Brother Thinks He's A Chicken-we Don't Talk Him Out Of It Because We Need The Eggs

Hello, I Must Be Going.

I Don't Care To Belong To A Club That Accepts People Like Me As Members.

Marry Me And I'll Never Look At Another Horse!

Ice Water? Get Some Onions - That'll Make Your Eyes Water!

Life Is A Whim Of Several Billion Cells To Be You For A While

I'm Not Crazy About Reality, But It's Still The Only Place To Get A Decent Meal.

She Got Her Looks From Her Father. He's A Plastic Surgeon.

I Read In The Newspapers They Are Going To Have 30 Minutes Of Intellectual Stuff On Television Every Monday From 7:30 To 8. To Educate America. They Couldn't Educate America If They Started At 6:30.

Here Lies Groucho Marx And Lies And Lies And Lies P.s. He Never Kissed An Ugly Girl.

Marriage Is The Chief Cause Of Divorce.

You Can Leave In A Huff. Or You Can Leave In A Minute And A Huff.

Don't Look Now, But There's One Too Many In This Room And I Think It's You.

Celebrate The Cracks, Because That's How The Light Comes In.

Given The Choice Between A Woman And A Cigar, I Will Always Choose The Cigar.

I'll Teach You To Kick Me...' You Don't Need To Teach Me--i Already Know How!

I Refuse To Join Any Club That Would Have Me As A Member.

I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book.

With The Possible Exception Of Clothes, Beauty Salons And Frank Sinatra, There Are Few Subjects All Women Agree Upon.

That's Nothing - My Alarm Clock Is Set For Eight.

I Didn't Like The Play, But Then I Saw It Under Adverse Conditions - The Curtain Was Up.

Come On In Girls, And Leave All Hope Behind.

Why Was I With Her? She Reminds Me Of You. In Fact, She Reminds Me More Of You Than You Do!

Money Will Not Make You Happy, And Happy Will Not Make You Money.

You're The Most Beautiful Woman I've Ever Seen, And That's Not Saying Much For You

Beautiful Women

You're Only As Young As The Woman You Feel.

While Money Can't Buy Happiness, It Certainly Lets You Choose Your Own Form Of Misery.

I Wish To Be Cremated. One Tenth Of My Ashes Shall Be Given To My Agent, As Written In Our Contract.

Here's To Our Wives And Girlfriends...may They Never Meet!

I Write By Ear. I Tried Writing With The Typewriter, But I Found It Too Unwieldy

The Months Before My Son Was Born, I Used To Yell From Night To Morn, 'whatever It Is, I'm Against It! No Matter What It Is Or Who Commenced It, I'm Against It!'

I Made A Killing On Wall Street A Few Years Ago...i Shot My Broker.

If Women Dressed For Men, The Stores Wouldn't Sell Much - Just An Occasional Sun Visor.

Ever Since They Found Out That Lassie Was A Boy, The Public Has Believed The Worst About Hollywood

You Know I Could Rent You Out As A Decoy For Duck Hunters?

This Would Be A Better Place For Children If Parents Had To Eat Spinach.

Patience Is The Art Of Finding Something Else To Do.

I've Known And Respected Your Husband For Many Years, And What's Good Enough For Him Is Good Enough For Me

What Have Future Generations Ever Done For Us?

Future Generation

I Started Smoking As Soon As I Went On The Stage. I'd Make Cigars Out Of The Morning World When I Was A Kid.

I Hate London When It's Not Raining.

Sir, Are You Trying To Offer Me A Bribe? How Much

You've Got A Goal In Life. I've Got A Goal. Now All We Need Is A Football Team.

Well, Art Is Art, Isn't It? Still, On The Other Hand, Water Is Water. And East Is East And West Is West And If You Take Cranberries And Stew Them Like Applesauce They Taste Much More Like Prunes Than Rhubarb Does. Now You Tell Me What You Know.

I Eat Like A Vulture. Unfortunately The Resemblance Doesn't End There.

I Don't Have Change I'd Have To Give You Nine More Books

You Call This A Party? The Beer Is Warm, The Women Cold And I'm Hot Under The Collar.

Budget: A Way Of Going Broke Methodically

My Mother Loved Children - She Would Have Given Anything If I Had Been One.

Hey, When I Said Work Fast, I Didn't Mean Your Friend, I Meant The Maid.

I Know A Member Of One Of New York's First Families (first As You Drive Up Tenth Avenue)

A Child Of Five Would Understand This. Send Someone To Fetch A Child Of Five.

If You Are Not Having Fun You Are Doing Something Wrong.

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It.

Anyone Who Says He Can See Through Women Is Missing A Lot.

Alimony Is Like Buying Hay For A Dead Horse.

I'm Going To Iowa For An Award. Then I'm Appearing At Carnegie Hall, It's Sold Out. Then I'm Sailing To France To Be Honored By The French Government - I'd Give It All Up For One Erection.

I Love My Cigar Too, But I Take It Out Of My Mouth Once In A While.

Today's Father Day And We're Giving You A Tie, It's Not Much You Know, It's Just Our Way Of Showing You, You're A Regular Guy.

[mrs. Teasdale]: He's Had A Change Of Heart. [groucho]: A Lot Of Good That'll Do Him. He's Still Got The Same Face.

Military Justice Is To Justice What Military Music Is To Music.

Thirteen At A Table Is Unlucky Only, When The Hostess Has Only Twelve Chops.

Television Is Where You Watch People In Your Living Room That You Would Not Want Near Your House.

Before I Speak, I Have Something Important To Say.

There Was No Need To Inform Us Of The Protocol Involved. We Were From Chicago And Knew All About Cement.

If The Garbage Man Calls, Tell Him We Don't Want Any.

As Soon As I Get Through With You, You'll Have A Clear Case For Divorce And So Will My Wife.

It's Hard To Get Ivory In Africa, But In Alabama The Tuscaloosa

Well I Thought My Razor Was Dull Until I Heard His Speech, And That Reminds Me Of A Story That's So Dirty I'm Ashamed To Think Of It Myself.

In Any Relationship, The Woman Has Control, The Clever Ones Don't Let The Men Know.

Love Had Forged Ahead So Swiftly That In No Time It Had Displaced Agriculture As The Leading Industry Of The Period. To Anyone Who Has Tried Both, This Wont Come As Much Of A Surprise.

Die, My Dear? Why That's The Last Thing I'll Do!

Famous Last Words

Only If The Computers Really Love Each Other.

Love Each Other

I Wish You'd Keep My Hands To Yourself.

Anybody Who Doesn't Like This Book Is Healthy

I Met My Wife On A Ferry Boat, And When We Landed She Gave Me The Slip

Send Two Dozen Roses To Room 424 And Put "emily, I Love You" On The Back Of The Bill.

I'm Not Feeling Very Well - I Need A Doctor Immediately. Ring The Nearest Golf Course.

Mr.blank's Reputation As A Card Shark Had Preceded Him. No One Accused Him Of Being Dishonest, But On The Other Hand No One Accused Him Of Being Honest.

If You're Not Having Fun, You're Doing Something Wrong.

Go, And Never Darken My Towels Again

You're A Great Brother. You Give Us A Heart Attack Worrying About Your Heart Attack, Which You Didn't Even Have The Decency To Have!

But What Makes Wage Slaves? Wages!

Will You Marry Me? Do You Have Any Money? Answer The Second Question First.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Cry And You're Probably Watching The Wrong Channel.

Firefly: Where Is Your Husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, He's Dead. Firefly: I'll Bet He's Just Using That As An Excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I Was With Him To The Very End. Firefly: Hmmph. No Wonder He Passed Away. Mrs. Teasdale: I Held Him In My Arms And Kissed Him. Firefly: Oh I See. Then, It Was Murder.

All People Are Born Alike - Except Republicans And Democrats.

No, Groucho Is Not My Real Name. I Am Breaking It In For A Friend. I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception. I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book. I Have Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Wasn't It. I Didn't Like The Play, But Then I Saw It Under Adverse Conditions - The Curtain Was Up.

Two Women At A Resort Discussed Dinner: "the Food Here Is Lousy," The First Noted. "you're Right! And Such Small Portions!!" The Second Added

I Can See You In The Kitchen Bending Over A Hot Stove, And I Can't See The Stove

The Difference Between A Politician And A Snail Is That The Snail Leaves Its Slime Behind. Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract As The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract-- Look, Why Should We Quarrel About A Thing Like This? We'll Take It Right Out, Eh?

Even The Intellectual Crowd Will Have None Of Me. Physically, I Look Like One Of Them. Graying At The Temples, I Walk With A Slight Limp And Wear Thick Glasses.

I Cannot Say That I Don't Disagree With You.

You've Forgotten Those June Nights At The Riviera...the Night I Drank Champagne From Your Slipper - Two Quarts. It Would Have Been More But You Were Wearing Inner Soles.

There's One Way To Find Out If A Man Is Honest - Ask Him. If He Says, 'yes,' You Know He Is A Crook.

If You Want To See A Comic Strip, You Should See Me In The Shower.

It Isn't So Much That Hard Times Are Coming; The Change Observed Is Mostly Soft Times Going.

To Write An Autobiography Of Groucho Marx Would Be As Asinine As To Read An Autobiography Of Groucho Marx.

Each Morning When I Open My Eyes I Say To Myself: I, Not Events, Have The Power To Make Me Happy Or Unhappy Today.

When Discovered By His Wife, Kissing The Maid, Groucho Said, "i Was Just Whispering In Her Mouth"

Home Is Where You Hang Your Head.

Years Ago, I Tried To Top Everybody, But I Don't Anymore. I Realized It Was Killing Conversation. When You're Always Trying For A Topper You Aren't Really Listening. It Ruins Communication

I Could Dance With You Till The Cows Come Home. Better Still, I'll Dance With The Cows And You Come Home." Groucho Marx Was Never One To Pass Up An Opportunity For A Play On Words And This Occurs In His Dialogue Of The 1933 Film Duck Soup.

Do They Allow Tipping On The Boat? - Yes, Sir. Have You Got Two Fives? - Oh, Yes, Sir. Then You Won't Need The Ten Cents I Was Going To Give You.

The Husband Who Wants A Happy Marriage Should Learn To Keep His Mouth Shut And His Checkbook Open.

Hey You! I Told You To Slow That Nag Down! Because Of You, I Almost Heard The Opera!

He [groucho's Father] Had Absolutely No Training, And If You Had Ever Seen One Of His Suits, You'd Realize What An Accurate Statement That Is. You See, Pop Never Used A Tape Measure. He Didn't Believe In It. He Said He Could Just Look At A Man And Tell His Size, With The Result That Frequently He'd Make A Pair Of Pants With One Trouser Leg Seven Or Eight Inches Longer Than The Other.

Don’t Ever Underestimate The Importance Of Money. I Know It’s Often Been Said That Money Won’t Make You Happy And This Is Undeniably True, But Everything Else Being Equal, It’s A Lovely Thing To Have Around The House.

Mrs. Teasdale Calls For Rescue And Firefly Delivers The Famous Line To His Cohorts As They Rescue Her: "remember, You're Fighting For This Woman's Honor, Which Is Probably More Than She Ever Did."

I'm Not A Vegetarian, But I Eat Animals Who Are.

I Was Married By A Judge. I Should Have Asked For A Jury.

How Much Would You Want To Stand At The Wrong End Of A Shooting Gallery?

You Are Going Uruguay, And I'm Going My Way

Outside Of A Dog, A Book Is A Man's Best Friend. Inside Of A Dog It's Too Dark To Read.

Since My Daughter Is Only Half-jewish, Could She Go In The Water Up To Her Knees?

If Income Tax Is The Price You Have To Pay To Keep The Government On Its Feet, Alimony Is The Price We Have To Pay For Sweeping A Woman Off Hers.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

Madam, You're Making History, In Fact, You're Making Me, And I Wish You'd Keep My Hands To Yourself

Comedians Are A Much Rarer And Far More Valuable Commodity Than All The Gold And Precious Stones In The World.

Precious Stones

Man Does Not Control His Own Fate. The Women In His Life Do That For Him.

How Would You Like To Feel The Way She Looks?

I Intend To Live Forever, Or Die Trying.

Oh, Are You From Wales? Do You Know A Fella Named Jonah-he Used To Live In Whales For A While

He Thinks I Look Alike!

Money Cannot Buy You Happiness, And Happiness Cannot Buy You Money. That Might Be A Wise Crack, But I Doubt It.

I Was Going To Thrash Them Within An Inch Of Their Lives, But I Didn't Have A Tape Measure.

Every Time Someone Turns On A Tv, I Go In The Other Room And Read.

Now That You're Secretary Of War, What Kind Of An Army Do You Think We Ought To Have?

A Moose Is An Animal With Horns On The Front Of Its Head And A Hunting Lodge Wall On The Back Of It

I've Been Around So Long, I Knew Doris Day Before She Was A Virgin.

Those Are My Principles, And If You Don't Like Them... Well, I Have Others.

Do You Mind If I Don't Smoke?

I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception.

In France, For Example, It Is Not Unusual For A Husband To Have A Wife And A Mistress. However, If In Addition To These Two He's Also Having A Fling With A Fringe Tootsie, Both The Wife And The Mistress Are Outraged And The Combination Lover, Husband, And Cheat May Well Wind Up With A Large French Bread Knife Between His Ribs.

I Did Toy With The Idea Of Doing A Cook-book . . . The Recipes Were To Be The Routine Ones: How To Make Dry Toast, Instant Coffee, Hearts Of Lettuce And Brownies. But As An Added Attraction, At No Extra Charge, My Idea Was To Put A Fried Egg On The Cover. I Think A Lot Of People Who Hate Literature But Love Fried Eggs Would Buy It If The Price Was Right.

Only One Man In A Thousand Is A Leader Of Men -- The Other 999 Follow Women.

A Cigar Makers Organization Once Said That I Was The Most Famous Cigar Smoker In The World. I Dont Know If Thats True, But Once While Visiting Havana, I Went To A Cigar Factory. There Were Four Hundred People There Rolling Cigars, And When They Saw Me, They All Stood Up And Applauded.

A Woman Is An Occasional Pleasure But A Cigar Is Always A Smoke.

I Could Dance With You Until The Cows Come Home. On Second Thought I'd Rather Dance With The Cows Until You Come Home.

Don't Let The Fear Of The Thorn Keep You From The Rose.

The Arab And The Camel Are Inseparable. It's Been Said That And Arab Would Give Up His Wife Rather Than Give Up His Camel. Personally, I Haven't Got A Camel, But I Think It's A Great Idea.

Would You Mind Getting Off That Fly Paper And Giving The Flies A Chance?" "ahhh, You Can't Trick Me! Flies Don't Read Papers!

I, Not Events, Have The Power To Make Me Happy Or Unhappy Today. I Can Choose Which It Shall Be. Yesterday Is Dead, Tomorrow Hasn't Arrived Yet. I Have Just One Day, Today, And I'm Going To Be Happy In It.

She's So In Love With Me, She Doesn't Know Anything. That's Why She's In Love With Me.

A Clown Is Like Aspirin, Only He Works Twice As Fast.

I Remember The First Time I Had Sex - I Kept The Receipt.

Funny Relationship

The Secret Of Life Is Honesty And Fair Dealing. If You Can Fake That, You've Got It Made.

Hello, I Must Be Going, I Cannot Stay, I Came To Say, I Must Be Going. I’m Glad I Came, But Just The Same, I Must Be Going.

Animal Crackers

I'm Not Going To Pay Good Money To Join A Club That Lets In People Like Me.

I Don’t Have A Photograph, But You Can Have My Footprints. They’re Upstairs In My Socks.

Why Don't You Bore A Hole In Yourself And Let The Sap Run Out?

Bel Air, I Am Convinced, Was Laid Out By Some Diabolic Sadist Who Deliberately Decided Not To Use A Compass Or A Surveyor.

Humor Is Reason Gone Mad.

With A Little Study You'll Go A Long Ways, And I Wish You'd Start Now

There's A Man Outside With A Big Black Mustache. - Tell Him I've Got One.

Clowns Work As Well As Aspirin, But Twice As Fast.

I'd Have Liked To Have Gone To Bed With Jean Harlow. She Was A Beautiful Broad. The Fellow Who Married Her Was Impotent And He Killed Himself. I Would Have Done The Same Thing.

You Bet I'm Shy. I'm A Shyster Lawyer.

Age Is Not A Particularly Interesting Subject. Anyone Can Get Old. All You Have To Do Is Live Long Enough.

Policeman: "a Hermit Eh? Then Why's Your Table Set For Four?" Groucho: "that's Nothing. My Alarm Clock Is Set For Eight.

Jail Is No Place For A Young Fellow. There's No Advancement.

Obviously There Was No Point In Being A Bachelor If His Houseman Was Going To Filch His Booze. If He Was Going To Get Robbed, He Might Just As Well Get Married.

The Only Game I Like To Play Is "old Maid", Providing She's Not Too Old

One Of The Best Hearing Aids A Man Can Have Is An Attentive Wife.

Well, Art Is Art, Isn't It? Still, On The Other Hand, Water Is Water.

I Think You've Got Something There, But I'll Wait Outside Until You Clean It Up.

I Was So Long Writing My Review That I Never Got Around To Reading The Book.

Take Two Turkeys, One Goose, Four Cabbages, But No Duck, And Mix Them Together. After One Taste, You'll Duck Soup For The Rest Of Your Life

Wives Are People Who Feel They Don't Dance Enough.

A Man Who Says He Can See Through A Woman Is Missing A Lot.-groucho Marx A Man's Only As Old As The Woman He Feels.

Always Examine The Dice.

If You Take Cranberries And Stew Them Like Apple Sauce, It Tastes Much More Like Prunes Than Rhubarb Does.

Well, That Covers A Lot Of Ground. Say, You Cover A Lot Of Ground Yourself. You Better Beat It - I Hear They're Going To Tear You Down And Put Up An Office Building Where You're Standing. You Can Leave In A Taxi. If You Can't Get A Taxi, You Can Leave In A Huff. If That's Too Soon, You Can Leave In A Minute And A Huff. You Know, You Haven't Stopped Talking Since I Came Here? You Must Have Been Vaccinated With A Phonograph Needle.

John You Say You Met In An Elevator. Was The Elevator Going Up At The Time, Or Down? This Is Very Important, For Going Down In An Elevator One Always Has That Sinking Feeling And For All I Know You May Have This Confused With Love. If You Were Going Up, It Is Clearly A Case Of Love At First Sight.

When You're In Jail, A Good Friend Will Be Trying To Bail You Out. A Best Friend Will Be In The Cell Next To You Saying, 'damn, That Was Fun.'

Before You Speak, Make Certain You Have Something Worthwhile To Say.

It Isn't Necessary To Have Relatives In Kansas City In Order To Be Unhappy.

Dig Trenches? With Our Men Being Killed Off Like Flies? There Isn't Time To Dig Trenches. We'll Have To Buy Them Ready Made.

Either He's Dead Or My Watch Has Stopped.

The First Thing Which I Can Record Concerning Myself Is, That I Was Born. These Are Wonderful Words. This Life, To Which Neither Time Nor Eternity Can Bring Diminution - This Everlasting Living Soul, Began. My Mind Loses Itself In These Depths.

In Hollywood, Brides Keep The Bouquets And Throw Away The Groom.

Any Place I Hang My Head Is Home.

If You Were A Man, You'd Go Into Business For Yourself. I Know A Fellow Who Started Out Last Year With Just A Canoe. Now He's Got More Women Than You Can Shake A Stick At, If That's Your Idea Of A Good Time.

I'd Like To Meet The Person Who Invented Sex And See What They're Working On Now.

One Morning I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas. How He Got Into My Pajamas I'll Never Know.

Room Service? Send Up A Larger Room.

[he] May Talk Like An Idiot, And Look Like An Idiot, But Don't Let That Fool You: He Really Is An Idiot.

Some Day There Will Have To Be Some New Rules Established About Name-calling. I Don't Mean The Routine Cursing That Goes On Between Husband And Wife, But The Naming Of Defenseless, Unsuspecting Babies.

Why A Four-year-old Child Could Understand This Report. Run Out And Find Me A Four-year-old Child. I Can't Make Head Nor Tail Out Of It.

I Love To Read. My Education Is Self-inflicted

I've Been Looking For A Girl Like You - Not You, But A Girl Like You.

One Woman And One Man Might Have Been Ok In Your Grandmother's Day, But Who Wants To Marry Your Grandmother? Not Even Your Grandfather!

He's So Full Of Alcohol, If You Put A Lighted Wick In His Mouth He'd Burn For Three Days.

My Plans Are Still In Embryo, A Town On The Edge Of Wishful Thinking.

I Have An Agreement With The Houseflies. The Flies Don't Practice Law And I Don't Walk On The Ceiling.

A Hospital Bed Is A Parked Taxi With The Meter Running.

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