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This Book Was Written In Those Long Hours I Spent Waiting For My Wife To Get Dressed To Go Out. And If She Had Never Gotten Dressed At All This Book Would Never Have Been Written.

-Groucho Marx

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This Book Was Written

Groucho Marx

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This Book Was Written In Those Long Hours I Spent Waiting For My Wife To Get Dressed To Go Out. And If She Had Never Gotten Dressed At All This Book Would Never Have Been Written.

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More From Groucho Marx

In France, For Example, It Is Not Unusual For A Husband To Have A Wife And A Mistress. However, If In Addition To These Two He's Also Having A Fling With A Fringe Tootsie, Both The Wife And The Mistress Are Outraged And The Combination Lover, Husband, And Cheat May Well Wind Up With A Large French Bread Knife Between His Ribs.

I Am A Man And You Are A Woman. I Can't Think Of A Better Arrangement.

Chico: "here's The Book, It's A Dollar" Groucho: "here's A Ten, And Shoot The Change." Chico: "i Don't Have Change I'd Have To Give You Nine More Books.

I Write By Ear. I Tried Writing With The Typewriter, But I Found It Too Unwieldy

She Got Her Looks From Her Father. He's A Plastic Surgeon.

I Think You've Got Something There, But I'll Wait Outside Until You Clean It Up.

John You Say You Met In An Elevator. Was The Elevator Going Up At The Time, Or Down? This Is Very Important, For Going Down In An Elevator One Always Has That Sinking Feeling And For All I Know You May Have This Confused With Love. If You Were Going Up, It Is Clearly A Case Of Love At First Sight.

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It.

I Could Dance With You Until The Cows Come Home. On Second Thought I'd Rather Dance With The Cows Until You Come Home.

With A Little Study You'll Go A Long Ways, And I Wish You'd Start Now

Do You Mind If I Don't Smoke?

When I Invite A Woman To Dinner, I Expect Her To Look At My Face. That's The Price She Has To Pay.

I Could Dance With You Till The Cows Come Home. Better Still, I'll Dance With The Cows And You Come Home." Groucho Marx Was Never One To Pass Up An Opportunity For A Play On Words And This Occurs In His Dialogue Of The 1933 Film Duck Soup.

How Much Would You Want To Stand At The Wrong End Of A Shooting Gallery?

No, Groucho Is Not My Real Name. I Am Breaking It In For A Friend.

Before I Speak, I Have Something Important To Say.

Now That You're Secretary Of War, What Kind Of An Army Do You Think We Ought To Have?

I Would Never Join A Country Club With Standards So Low As To Allow Me As A Member.

Why Would I Want To Join An Organization That Would Encourage People Like Myself To Become Members.

If Women Dressed For Men, The Stores Wouldn't Sell Much - Just An Occasional Sun Visor.

Bel Air, I Am Convinced, Was Laid Out By Some Diabolic Sadist Who Deliberately Decided Not To Use A Compass Or A Surveyor.

Hail, Hail Freedonia, Land Of The Free!

The Trouble With Writing A Book About Yourself Is That You Can’t Fool Around. If You Write About Someone Else, You Can Stretch The Truth From Here To Finland. If You Write About Yourself The Slightest Deviation Makes You Realize Instantly That There May Be Honor Among Thieves, But You Are Just A Dirty Liar.

I Did Toy With The Idea Of Doing A Cook-book . . . The Recipes Were To Be The Routine Ones: How To Make Dry Toast, Instant Coffee, Hearts Of Lettuce And Brownies. But As An Added Attraction, At No Extra Charge, My Idea Was To Put A Fried Egg On The Cover. I Think A Lot Of People Who Hate Literature But Love Fried Eggs Would Buy It If The Price Was Right.

Groucho: You Know I Think You're The Most Beautiful Woman In The World? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, But I Don't Mind Lying If It Gets Me Somewhere.

Celebrate The Cracks, Because That's How The Light Comes In.

I Worked My Way Up From Nothing To A State Of Extreme Poverty.

A Woman Is An Occasional Pleasure But A Cigar Is Always A Smoke.

In Any Relationship, The Woman Has Control, The Clever Ones Don't Let The Men Know.

Oh, Why Can't We Break Away From All This, Just You And I, And Lodge With My Fleas In The Hills? I Mean Flee To My Lodge In The Hills.

But What Makes Wage Slaves? Wages!

Growing Old Is Something You Do If You're Lucky.

Come On In Girls, And Leave All Hope Behind.

Remember, The Grass Is Always Greener Where You Don't Happen To Be The Neighbor.

When Discovered By His Wife, Kissing The Maid, Groucho Said, "i Was Just Whispering In Her Mouth"

The Difference Between A Politician And A Snail Is That The Snail Leaves Its Slime Behind. Whoever Named It Necking Was A Poor Judge Of Anatomy.

I Did Toy With The Idea Of Doing A Cook-book. . . . I Think A Lot Of People Who Hate Literature But Love Fried Eggs Would Buy It If The Price Was Right.

Madam, You're Making History, In Fact, You're Making Me, And I Wish You'd Keep My Hands To Yourself

I've Known And Respected Your Husband For Many Years, And What's Good Enough For Him Is Good Enough For Me

You Get A Canoe Later And I'll Paddle You.

All People Are Born Alike - Except Republicans And Democrats.

Well, That Covers A Lot Of Ground. Say, You Cover A Lot Of Ground Yourself. You Better Beat It - I Hear They're Going To Tear You Down And Put Up An Office Building Where You're Standing. You Can Leave In A Taxi. If You Can't Get A Taxi, You Can Leave In A Huff. If That's Too Soon, You Can Leave In A Minute And A Huff. You Know, You Haven't Stopped Talking Since I Came Here? You Must Have Been Vaccinated With A Phonograph Needle.

As Soon As I Get Through With You, You'll Have A Clear Case For Divorce And So Will My Wife.

Thirteen At A Table Is Unlucky Only, When The Hostess Has Only Twelve Chops.

Love Had Forged Ahead So Swiftly That In No Time It Had Displaced Agriculture As The Leading Industry Of The Period. To Anyone Who Has Tried Both, This Wont Come As Much Of A Surprise.

Since My Daughter Is Only Half-jewish, Could She Go In The Water Up To Her Knees?

Dig Trenches? With Our Men Being Killed Off Like Flies? There Isn't Time To Dig Trenches. We'll Have To Buy Them Ready Made.

I Met My Wife On A Ferry Boat, And When We Landed She Gave Me The Slip

I Have An Agreement With The Houseflies. The Flies Don't Practice Law And I Don't Walk On The Ceiling.

Mr.blank's Reputation As A Card Shark Had Preceded Him. No One Accused Him Of Being Dishonest, But On The Other Hand No One Accused Him Of Being Honest.

Poverty Makes People Sub-human Excess Of Wealth Makes People Inhuman

Outside Of A Dog, A Book Is A Man's Best Friend. Inside Of A Dog It's Too Dark To Read.

I'm Leaving Because The Weather Is Too Good. I Hate London When It's Not Raining.

Hello, I Must Be Going, I Cannot Stay, I Came To Say, I Must Be Going. I’m Glad I Came, But Just The Same, I Must Be Going.

Animal Crackers

If You Were A Man, You'd Go Into Business For Yourself. I Know A Fellow Who Started Out Last Year With Just A Canoe. Now He's Got More Women Than You Can Shake A Stick At, If That's Your Idea Of A Good Time.

Die, My Dear? Why That's The Last Thing I'll Do!

Famous Last Words

A Black Cat Crossing Your Path Signifies That The Animal Is Going Somewhere.

He [groucho's Father] Had Absolutely No Training, And If You Had Ever Seen One Of His Suits, You'd Realize What An Accurate Statement That Is. You See, Pop Never Used A Tape Measure. He Didn't Believe In It. He Said He Could Just Look At A Man And Tell His Size, With The Result That Frequently He'd Make A Pair Of Pants With One Trouser Leg Seven Or Eight Inches Longer Than The Other.

Man Does Not Control His Own Fate. The Women In His Life Do That For Him.

No One Is Completely Unhappy At The Failure Of His Best Friend.

Tv Is The Rat Race Of The Century.

The Alps Are A Simple Folk, Living On A Diet Of Old Shoes. And The Lord Alps Those Who Alp Themselves.

Patience Is The Art Of Finding Something Else To Do.

I Don’t Have A Photograph, But You Can Have My Footprints. They’re Upstairs In My Socks.

Clowns Work As Well As Aspirin, But Twice As Fast.

That's Nothing - My Alarm Clock Is Set For Eight.

The Arab And The Camel Are Inseparable. It's Been Said That And Arab Would Give Up His Wife Rather Than Give Up His Camel. Personally, I Haven't Got A Camel, But I Think It's A Great Idea.

I Never Go To Movies Where The Hero's Tits Are Bigger Than The Heroine's.

Marriage Is A Wonderful Institution, But Who Wants To Live In An Institution?

If You Are Not Having Fun You Are Doing Something Wrong.

While Money Can't Buy Happiness, It Certainly Lets You Choose Your Own Form Of Misery.

Here Lies Groucho Marx And Lies And Lies And Lies P.s. He Never Kissed An Ugly Girl.

If The Garbage Man Calls, Tell Him We Don't Want Any.

I Made A Killing On Wall Street A Few Years Ago...i Shot My Broker.

You Are Going Uruguay, And I'm Going My Way

I'd Like To Meet The Person Who Invented Sex And See What They're Working On Now.

I, Not Events, Have The Power To Make Me Happy Or Unhappy Today. I Can Choose Which It Shall Be. Yesterday Is Dead, Tomorrow Hasn't Arrived Yet. I Have Just One Day, Today, And I'm Going To Be Happy In It.

A Clown Is Like Aspirin, Only He Works Twice As Fast.

Firefly: Where Is Your Husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, He's Dead. Firefly: I'll Bet He's Just Using That As An Excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I Was With Him To The Very End. Firefly: Hmmph. No Wonder He Passed Away. Mrs. Teasdale: I Held Him In My Arms And Kissed Him. Firefly: Oh I See. Then, It Was Murder.

I Married Your Mother Because I Wanted Children, Imagine My Disappointment When You Came Along.

There's A Man Outside With A Big Black Mustache. - Tell Him I've Got One.

In Hollywood, Brides Keep The Bouquets And Throw Away The Groom.

I've Got The Brain Of A Four Year Old. I'll Bet He Was Glad To Be Rid Of It.

Wages? You Want To Be Wage Slaves? Answer Me That! Of Course Not. What Is It That Makes Wage Slaves? Wages! I Want You To Be Free. Strike Off Your Chains! Strike Up The Band! Strike Three You're Out! Remember, There's Nothing Like Liberty, Except Colliers And The Saturday Evening Post. Be Free, Now And Forever. One And Individual. One For All And All For Me, And Tea For Two And Six For A Quarter.

What Have Future Generations Ever Done For Us?

Future Generation

Many Years Ago I Chased A Woman For Almost Two Years, Only To Discover That Her Tastes Were Exactly Like Mine: We Both Were Crazy About Girls.

Policeman: "a Hermit Eh? Then Why's Your Table Set For Four?" Groucho: "that's Nothing. My Alarm Clock Is Set For Eight.

I Was So Long Writing My Review That I Never Got Around To Reading The Book.

Before You Speak, Make Certain You Have Something Worthwhile To Say.

Don't Look Now, But There's One Too Many In This Room And I Think It's You.

I'm Not Crazy About Reality, But It's Still The Only Place To Get A Decent Meal.

One Morning I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas. How He Got Into My Pajamas I'll Never Know.

Don't Be Silly. I'll Write You Twice A Week.

Quote Me As Saying I Was Mis-quoted.

Budget: A Way Of Going Broke Methodically

I Hope They Bury Me Near A Strait Man

There's One Thing I Always Wanted To Do Before I Quit... Retire!

I'm Going To Iowa For An Award. Then I'm Appearing At Carnegie Hall, It's Sold Out. Then I'm Sailing To France To Be Honored By The French Government - I'd Give It All Up For One Erection.

Love Flies Out The Door When Money Comes Innuendo.

The Only Real Laughter Comes From Despair.

I Eat Like A Vulture. Unfortunately The Resemblance Doesn't End There.

I'd Have Liked To Have Gone To Bed With Jean Harlow. She Was A Beautiful Broad. The Fellow Who Married Her Was Impotent And He Killed Himself. I Would Have Done The Same Thing.

Getting Older Is No Problem. You Just Have To Live Long Enough.

Alimony Is Like Buying Hay For A Dead Horse.

Well, Art Is Art, Isn't It? Still, On The Other Hand, Water Is Water. And East Is East And West Is West And If You Take Cranberries And Stew Them Like Applesauce They Taste Much More Like Prunes Than Rhubarb Does. Now You Tell Me What You Know.

There Was No Need To Inform Us Of The Protocol Involved. We Were From Chicago And Knew All About Cement.

Most Young Women Do Not Welcome Promiscuous Advances. (either That, Or My Luck's Terrible.)

Some People Claim That Marriage Interferes With Romance. There's No Doubt About It. Anytime You Have A Romance, Your Wife Is Bound To Interfere.

Some Day There Will Have To Be Some New Rules Established About Name-calling. I Don't Mean The Routine Cursing That Goes On Between Husband And Wife, But The Naming Of Defenseless, Unsuspecting Babies.

You Call This A Party? The Beer Is Warm, The Women Cold And I'm Hot Under The Collar.

My Mother Loved Children - She Would Have Given Anything If I Had Been One.

Africa Is God's Country, And He Can Have It.

Animal Crackers

Who Are You Going To Believe, Me Or Your Own Eyes?

I Know, I Know - You're A Woman Who's Had A Lot Of Tough Breaks. Well, We Can Clean And Tighten Those Brakes, But You'll Have To Stay In The Garage All Night.

Even The Intellectual Crowd Will Have None Of Me. Physically, I Look Like One Of Them. Graying At The Temples, I Walk With A Slight Limp And Wear Thick Glasses.

She's So In Love With Me, She Doesn't Know Anything. That's Why She's In Love With Me.

There Is No Sweeter Sound Than The Crumbling Of One's Fellow Man.

A Man Who Says He Can See Through A Woman Is Missing A Lot.-groucho Marx A Man's Only As Old As The Woman He Feels.

Always Examine The Dice.

Be Open Minded, But Not So Open Minded That Your Brains Fall Out.

Women Should Be Obscene, Not Heard.

My Plans Are Still In Embryo, A Town On The Edge Of Wishful Thinking.

A Cigar Makers Organization Once Said That I Was The Most Famous Cigar Smoker In The World. I Dont Know If Thats True, But Once While Visiting Havana, I Went To A Cigar Factory. There Were Four Hundred People There Rolling Cigars, And When They Saw Me, They All Stood Up And Applauded.

Go, And Never Darken My Towels Again

Don't Let The Fear Of The Thorn Keep You From The Rose.

A Woman Can Smell Mink Through Six Inches Of Lead.

Hello, I Must Be Going.

Take Two Turkeys, One Goose, Four Cabbages, But No Duck, And Mix Them Together. After One Taste, You'll Duck Soup For The Rest Of Your Life

When You're In Jail, A Good Friend Will Be Trying To Bail You Out. A Best Friend Will Be In The Cell Next To You Saying, 'damn, That Was Fun.'

Heifer Cow Is Better Than None, But This Is No Time For Puns

You're Only As Young As The Woman You Feel.

If You've Heard This Story Before, Don't Stop Me, Because I'd Like To Hear It Again.

You've Got A Goal In Life. I've Got A Goal. Now All We Need Is A Football Team.

My Favourite Poem Is The One That Starts 'thirty Days Hath September' Because It Actually Tells You Something.

Ice Water? Get Some Onions - That'll Make Your Eyes Water!

Yes, Darling, Let Me Cover Your Face With Kisses-on Second Thought, Just Let Me Cover Your Face

Marriage Is The Chief Cause Of Divorce.

Money Frees You From Doing Things You Dislike. Since I Dislike Doing Nearly Everything, Money Is Handy.

Anyone Who Says He Can See Through Women Is Missing A Lot.

The Only Game I Like To Play Is "old Maid", Providing She's Not Too Old

Life Is A Whim Of Several Billion Cells To Be You For A While

You Know I Could Rent You Out As A Decoy For Duck Hunters?

I Was Born At A Very Early Age. Before I Had Time To Regret It, I Was Four And A Half Years Old.

I'm Gonna Put Extra Blankets, Free, In All Your Rooms, And There'll Be No Cover Charge.

Obviously There Was No Point In Being A Bachelor If His Houseman Was Going To Filch His Booze. If He Was Going To Get Robbed, He Might Just As Well Get Married.

Those Are My Principles, And If You Don't Like Them... Well, I Have Others.

Money Cannot Buy You Happiness, And Happiness Cannot Buy You Money. That Might Be A Wise Crack, But I Doubt It.

I Was Going To Thrash Them Within An Inch Of Their Lives, But I Didn't Have A Tape Measure.

I Have Just One Day, Today, And I'm Going To Be Happy In It.

Positive Thinking

No, Groucho Is Not My Real Name. I Am Breaking It In For A Friend. I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception. I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book. I Have Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Wasn't It. I Didn't Like The Play, But Then I Saw It Under Adverse Conditions - The Curtain Was Up.

One Woman And One Man Might Have Been Ok In Your Grandmother's Day, But Who Wants To Marry Your Grandmother? Not Even Your Grandfather!

You're Heading For A Breakdown. Why Don't You Pull Yourself To Pieces?

It's Hard To Get Ivory In Africa, But In Alabama The Tuscaloosa

Only If The Computers Really Love Each Other.

Love Each Other

I'm Not Going To Pay Good Money To Join A Club That Lets In People Like Me.

Comedians Are A Much Rarer And Far More Valuable Commodity Than All The Gold And Precious Stones In The World.

Precious Stones

And Stop Pointing That Beard At Me, It Might Go Off!

From The Moment I Picked Your Book Up Until I Laid It Down, I Was Convulsed With Laughter. Someday I Intend Reading It.

Let There Be Dancing In The Streets, Drinking In The Saloons, And Necking In The Parlor.

Why Should I Care About Posterity? What's Posterity Ever Done For Me?

Why A Four-year-old Child Could Understand This Report. Run Out And Find Me A Four-year-old Child. I Can't Make Head Nor Tail Out Of It.

I Never Forget A Face, But In Your Case I'll Be Glad To Make An Exception.

The Admission Fee Was A Viper's Tongue And A Half-concealed Stiletto. It Was A Sort Of Intellectual Slaughterhouse.

Now There's A Man With An Open Mind - You Can Feel The Breeze From Here!

I'm Not Feeling Very Well - I Need A Doctor Immediately. Ring The Nearest Golf Course.

If You Find It Hard To Laugh At Yourself, I Would Be Happy To Do It For You.

My Brother Thinks He's A Chicken-we Don't Talk Him Out Of It Because We Need The Eggs

Believe Me, You Have To Get Up Early If You Want To Get Out Of Bed.

Practically Everybody In New York Has Half A Mind To Write A Book, And Does.

Only One Man In A Thousand Is A Leader Of Men -- The Other 999 Follow Women.

Politics Doesn't Make Strange Bedfellows - Marriage Does.

Why Don't You Go Home To Your Wife? Better Yet, I'll Go Home To Your Wife, And Outside Of The Improvement, She Won't Notice Any Difference.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Cry And You're Probably Watching The Wrong Channel.

I Hate London When It's Not Raining.

Behind Every Successful Man Is A Woman, Behind Her Is His Wife.

Why, I'd Horse-whip You If I Had A Horse.

The Husband Who Wants A Happy Marriage Should Learn To Keep His Mouth Shut And His Checkbook Open.

The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract As The First Part Of The Party Of The First Part Shall Be Known In This Contract-- Look, Why Should We Quarrel About A Thing Like This? We'll Take It Right Out, Eh?

This Would Be A Better Place For Children If Parents Had To Eat Spinach.

If Income Tax Is The Price You Have To Pay To Keep The Government On Its Feet, Alimony Is The Price We Have To Pay For Sweeping A Woman Off Hers.

A Moose Is An Animal With Horns On The Front Of Its Head And A Hunting Lodge Wall On The Back Of It

Oh, Are You From Wales? Do You Know A Fella Named Jonah-he Used To Live In Whales For A While

I Know A Member Of One Of New York's First Families (first As You Drive Up Tenth Avenue)

The Secret Of Life Is Honesty And Fair Dealing. If You Can Fake That, You've Got It Made.

I Can't Understand Why You Don't Get Any Mail From Me. Perhaps It's Because I Haven't Been Writing

Money Will Not Make You Happy, And Happy Will Not Make You Money.

Humor Is Reason Gone Mad.

Time Wounds All Heels.

I'll Teach You To Kick Me...' You Don't Need To Teach Me--i Already Know How!

I Don't Have Change I'd Have To Give You Nine More Books

Room Service? Send Up A Larger Room.

I Can See You In The Kitchen Bending Over A Hot Stove, And I Can't See The Stove

I'll Never Forget My Wedding Day... They Threw Vitamin Pills

The Months Before My Son Was Born, I Used To Yell From Night To Morn, 'whatever It Is, I'm Against It! No Matter What It Is Or Who Commenced It, I'm Against It!'

Gerald Ford Was Unknown Throughout America. Now He's Unknown Throughout The World.

I Cannot Say That I Don't Disagree With You.

In America You Can Go On The Air And Kid The Politicians, And The Politicians Can Go On The Air And Kid The People.

There's Only Two Things You Can Start Without A Plan: A Riot And A Family, For Everything Else You Need A Plan.

I Don't Want To Join The Kind Of A Club That Accepts People Like Me As Members.

Why Was I With Her? She Reminds Me Of You. In Fact, She Reminds Me More Of You Than You Do!

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