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To Some I Am Known As Chief. And These Are Usually People Who Work In Radio Shack Or Try To Sell Me Shoes. To Others I Am Known As Buddy. These Are People Who Dwell In Bars And Wonder If I’ve Got A Problem Or What It Is That I Am “looking At.” And To Still Others, Who Are In That Same Bar, Standing Just Off To The Side, I Am “get Him!"

-Demetri Martin

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To Some I Am

Demetri Martin

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To Some I Am Known As Chief. And These Are Usually People Who Work In Radio Shack Or Try To Sell Me Shoes. To Others I Am Known As Buddy. These Are People Who Dwell In Bars And Wonder If I’ve Got A Problem Or What It Is That I Am “looking At.” And To Still Others, Who Are In That Same Bar, Standing Just Off To The Side, I Am “get Him!"

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I Was On The Train The Other Day, And I Heard Somebody Say, I'm Really Good At Checkers. That's The Same Thing As Saying, I'm Not Good At Very Many Things.

I Remember When I Used To Be Really Into Nostalgia.

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

I Was Walking In The Park And This Guy Waved At Me. Then He Said, 'i'm Sorry, I Thought You Were Someone Else.' I Said, 'i Am.'

There's An Old Russian Saying That Goes Some Way Or Another. I Don't Know It. I Don't Speak Russian. But Sometimes I Think About It And Wonder If It's Relevant To What I'm Going Through At The Time. Probably Not. I Mean What Do Russian Know About Hunger, Anyway?

The Difference Between A Child's Toy And An Adult Toy Is: Location, Location, Location.

As Soon As I Jumped Out Of The Airplane, I Realized I Had Forgotten My Parachute. Thank God We Were Still On The Runway.

Cotton Balls Is An Example Of Something I Would Buy, But Not Want To Have As A Nickname. Cinnamon Buns, On The Other Hand, Is Something I Would Buy And Want To Have As A Nickname. 'are You Cinnamon Buns?' 'you Bet Your Sweet Ass I Am.'

If You Remove A Treehouse From A Tree, Than It's Just A Shitty House. Sometimes When I'm In A Shitty House, I Like To Imagine That It's In A Tree, Than It's Like Woah, This House Is Amazing.

It's Thursday And It Really Feels Like A Thursday. Sometimes Things Just Work Out.

I Wonder If There Were Any Goths In Gothic Times. They're Like: You Look Completely Appropriate. You Don't Look Stupid Or Lonely At All.

Sometimes, When Something Really Great Happens To Me, I Like To Wait Two Weeks Before I Tell Anyone About It, Because I Like To Use The Word 'fortnight'.

Rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks.

When You Have A Fat Friend There Are No See-saws, Only Catapults.

Your Mind Is Like A Sponge, In The Sense That It Would Come In Handy When Cleaning Off A Countertop Or Something Like That.

I Thought I Would, You Know, Go To College, Get To Law School, Finish, And Then Get A Job And Work As A Lawyer, But That Proved To Be Not A Good Fit For Me.

When Someone Asks You The Question 'are You Ticklish' It Doesn't Matter If You Say Yes Or No, Cause They're Going To Touch You. If Someone Asks If You're Ticklish And You Don't Want To Be Touched You Should Something Like 'i Have Diarrhea, Now Don't Touch Me Cause You'll Make It Come Out... And Yes I'm Very Ticklish'.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks.

My Favorite Fruit Is Grapes. Because With Grapes, You Always Get Another Chance. 'cause, You Know, If You Have A Crappy Apple Or A Peach, You're Stuck With That Crappy Piece Of Fruit. But If You Have A Crappy Grape, No Problem - Just Move On To The Next. 'grapes: The Fruit Of Hope.'

I Think It Would Be Cool If You Were Writing A Ransom Note On Your Computer, If The Paper Clip Popped Up And Said, 'looks Like You're Writing A Ransom Note. Need Help? You Should Use More Forceful Language, You'll Get More Money.'

I Like Birthdays Because We Celebrate Life With Cakes. It's So Cool. Sometimes When I See A Baby, I'm Like That Much More Cake In The World. But Then When Someone Dies, I'm Like The Cake Streak Is Over.

Small Businesses Are Important, But So Are Tiny Businesses.

I Think A Lot Of People Who Watch Tv Don't Realize When They're Watch Tv Shows And It Says 'produced By' And Producer, Producer... There Are All These Producers. What The Hell Does A Producer Do? It's Funny How Much You Have To Worry About As A Producer.

I'm A Producer On My Show, Which Is Great, But It's Also Kind Of A Mixed Blessing Because There's So Much Responsibility. Everything Is A Decision. You Have To Worry About The Money, You Have To Worry About Daylight, Who We're Going To Cast And If This Location Doesn't Work Out, What Are We Going To Do?

It Seems That Two Of The Most Basic Forms Of Comedy Are Jokes And Stories. And, Of Course, They Are Not Mutually Exclusive.

Surprise Parties Are Strange 'cause People Jump Up And They Yell The Word, 'surprise' At The Party. I Came Home And You Emerged From My Furniture. You Don't Have To Tell Me How To Feel. I Don't Need A Hint.

The Bird, The Bee, The Running Child Are All The Same To The Sliding Glass Door.

Brought To You By Raising Your Voice. The Next Best Thing To Being Right.

I Wish I Lived Next To Carnegie Hall. Then, If Someone Asked Me How To Get To My House, I Would Just Say 'practice, Practice, Practice, And Then Take A Left.'

As A Creative Person, You Want To Have A Foothold And Sense Of Progress.

Don't Forget To Turn Your Clocks Back Today If You Don't Want Your Clocks To Be Set To The Right Time.

You Mock Those Who Blindly Follow The Majority...turn Your Attention Now To Those Who Are So Dedicated To Deviating From The Norm That They Would Gladly Cease Breathing If It Were Suggested To Them That Inhalation Was A Form Of Conformity; For They Deserve Just As Much Scrutiny And Ridicule.

You Always Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. You Never Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. The Problem Is, You Have A Non-wolf Imparting Wolf Teachings.

They Should Call Fishing What It Really Is... Tricking And Killing!

Right Before I'm About To Talk At Length About Something I Like I Say, Get Me Started.

Someday I Will Tell My Grandchildren That I Lived In The Era When Ok Was Abbreviated To K.

If You Are Wearing A Bandana You Better Have Something Wise To Say, Because You Are Starting With A Credibility Deficit.

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Suicide Is The #1 Killer Of A Person Who Is In A Boat And Happens To Be Passing Under A Bridge At The Wrong Time.

We Do Not Allow Dwarf Tossing. If You Toss A Dwarf, The Dwarf Will Be Tossed Right Back At You, But Faster.

Cottonballs Are An Example Of Something I'd Want To Buy, But Not Have As A Nickname.

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I Wanna Put Stickers On Turtles... I Don't Know Why.

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Americans Who Do Not Celebrate Independence Day: Pets.

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Futon World - A Wonderful Place That Becomes Slowly Less Comfortable Over Time.

And My Only Rule Being If When I Wake In The Morning I'm Looking Forward To The Things That I Have To Do That Day, Then I'm On The Right Track.

Looking Forward

One Of The Most Difficult And Ironic Murder Weapons Is The Life Jacket.

Automatic Paper Towel Dispensers Are A Solution To Something That Was Never A Problem In The First Place.

Saying, 'i'm Sorry' Is The Same As Saying, 'i Apologize.' Except At A Funeral.

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For Some Reason Cowboy Sounds Better Than Cowman.

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I Can Move Objects With My Mind, If I Use My Hands.

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I Think They Named The Orange Before The Carrot.

Once I Started To Look I Finally Began To See.

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A Car Alarm Is A Way For A Car To Tell Everyone That Its Owner Is An Asshole.

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Don't Talk To Strangers. Sure, Unless You Want To Meet Anyone Ever.

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Hot Potato Is A Very Different Game When The People Playing Are Starving.

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Timing Is Everything. That's A Cliche. Now. If I'd Said That A Long Time Ago, I'd Have Been Original.

A Musical Is The Same As A Burlap Sack, I Would Not Want To Be In Either

There Is A Small, But Important, Difference Between Peeing In The Pool, And Peeing Into The Pool.

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It's Very Easy To Turn A Toy Into An Adult Toy: Location, Location, Location.

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I Got Into Stand Up Just To Do Stand Up Because I Love Stand Up.

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Socrates Became A Trendsetter. Other Philosophers, Including Plato And Aristotle And Gus, Quickly Followed Suit, Dropping Their Last Names Too. And, For Centuries After That There Would Be Countless Imitators Including Oltaire, Michelangelo, And, Much Later, Cher.

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A Wednesday With No Rain Is A Dry Hump Day.

A Parade Looks Like A Bunch Of People Are Excited About Being In Traffic.

My Friend Named His Car. And I Don't Want To Be Judgemental, But... What A Dork.

When I Am At Rodeo I Find It Difficult Not To Root For The Animals.

A Jerk On A Motorcycle Is Equal To A Leaf, Because I Find It Beautiful When These Things Fall.

A Glove Is A Very Literal Looking Hand Puppet.

I Like To Go To Concerts Because I Love To See My Favorite Band Through The Phone Of The Asshole Who's Standing In Front Of Me.

When I Trip, I Feel Like That's The World Saying Come Here For A Second. It Just Pulls Me Closer For A Second, Yeah What Do You Want? I Just Want To Remind You That You're Uncoordinated. I'm Aware Of That, Thank You... Can I Go Now? Yeah, You Can Go, But Never Ever Try To Outrun Me. Ok, World, See You Later. Yeah, I'll See You In About 50 Years.

Tic Tacs Are The Maracas Of Breath Mints.

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I Think Hair Gel Was Invented To Make It Easier To Identify Assholes From A Distance.

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I Just Found Out That I Have More Allies Than America!

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And As Far As Actors Go, Peter Sellers Is My All-time Favorite.

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If You Have A Lair Then You Are Probably Not A Good Person.

I Never Set Out To Do A Sketch Show.

I Never Give Anyone Just One Congratulation. Congratulations Are Always Plural. They Are Similar To Grapes.

Congratulations

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In Retrospect, Everything Is Finite, But Prospectively, There Are Infinite Possibilities. I Guess That's What Makes Life Hopeful.

Laborers Want Their Kids To Be Merchants Or Business People. Business People Want Their Kids To Be Professionals. Professionals Want Their Kids To Be Academics, Professors. Academics Want Their Kids To Be Artists. And Artists Don't Care If Their Kids Are Laborers Or Not. They Can Be Anything.

Skeet Shooting Is Probably More Satisfying If You Really Hate Skeets.

100% Of The People Who Give 110% Do Not Understand Math.

If I Think Of A Joke That's Really Dirty And I Think It's Funny I'll Try It But What I've Found Over The Years Is They Just Don't Laugh. It Doesn't Work Coming Out Of My Mouth So It's Like They Taught Me 'don't Do That. Don't Go That Way Or You'll Lose Me.'

I'd Love To Win Trophies, Be In Movies, Have A Body Of Work I'm Proud Of And Find A Way To Enjoy It Along The Way. Success Is Probably A More Of A Complicated Thing Than That.

I Was Making Pancakes The Other Day And A Fly Flew Into The Kitchen. And That's When I Realized That A Spatula Is A Lot Like A Fly-swatter. And A Crushed Fly Is A Lot Like A Blueberry. And A Roommate Is A Lot Like A Fly Eater.

I Don't Usually Fly In First Class, But I Fart In First Class.

A Lot Of People Don't Like Bumper Stickers. I Don't Mind Bumper Stickers. To Me A Bumper Sticker Is A Shortcut. It's Like A Little Sign That Says 'hey, Let's Never Hang Out.'

I Bought A Dictionary. First Thing I Did Was, I Looked Up The Word "dictionary", And It Said "you're An Asshole".

A Drunk Driver Is Very Dangerous. So Is A Drunk Backseat Driver If He's Persuasive.

Our Times, A Brief History: As Televisions Became Flatter, People Became Rounder.

My Mind Says One Thing, But My Body Says Another. Thanks A Lot, Indian Food And Beer.

I Think It's Cool When An Ex-girlfriend Becomes An Xl Girlfriend.

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I Am Everything And I Am Nothing. I Am Just Kidding; I Am Not Everything And Nothing. That Would Be Ridiculous. I Am Just Everything.

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I've Never Read An Article Of Clothing.

Separate But Equal Is Terrible For Education But It's Perfect For Eyebrows.

I Think One Of The Most Groundbreaking Inventions Of All Time Is The Jackhammer.

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I Think It Would Be Worse To Get Mauled By A Dancing Bear Than Just A Regular Bear Because You Can't Totally Blame The Dancing Bear.

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Sometimes I See A Bird Fly By And I Feel Jealous. But Then Other Times I See A Bird Fly Into A Closed Window And I Feel Laughing.

It Turns Out Dentists Don't Like It Very Much When You Show Up For A Cleaning In Full Vampire Gear.

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The Easiest Time To Add Insult To Injury Is When You're Signing Somebody's Cast.

Insult To Injury

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It Seems That Man's Greatest Natural Enemy Is The Target.

When I Am Holding A Water Balloon, So Many Things Look So Unnecessarily Dry.

I'm Not A Lawmaker, But I Was Thinking That If You Have A Really Loud Ring Tone, Maybe You Should Be Stabbed In The Ear?

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It Feels Like Every Day Or Two, People On Twitter And The Internet Are Outraged About Something.

I Saw A Door That Said Exit Only. So I Entered Through It And Went Up To The Guy Working There And Said "i Have Good News. You Have Severely Underestimated That Door Over There. By Like A Hundred Percent."

I Started Being A Comedy Fan When I Was, I'm Going To Guess, Like 5 Or 6 Years Old.

Man Versus Woman Equals Fun. Man Versus Man Equals Gay. Woman Versus Woman Equals Awesome. Man Versus Pillow Equals Crazy. Pillow Versus Pillow Equals Crazy Awesome - That's A Real Pillow Fight Right There. You See Two Pillows Fighting, You Know Something's Going Down. They're Designed For Relaxation. If They're Fighting, What Hope Do We Have? One Time I Saw Two Geese Fighting, And I Was Like, 'this Is A Pillow Fight Ahead Of Time.

Knights Would Have Probably Liked Refrigerator Magnets.

The Shortest Distance Between Two Idiots Is A Conga Line.

I Think They Should Put Pies On The Fronts Of Trains, So That When They Hit Something It's At Least A Little Bit Funny.

'sort Of' Is Such A Harmless Thing To Say... Sort Of. It's Just A Filler. Sort Of... It Doesn't Really Mean Anything. But After Certain Things, Sort Of Means Everything. Like... After "i Love You"... Or "you're Going To Live."

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I Was A Good Student When I Was A Kid, And I Did Everything I Was Supposed To Do, And I Got A's.

Coffee Is Like A Bra. 3 Cups Is One Too Many.

I Saw A Transvestite Wearing A T-shirt That Said 'guess'.

Never Be Less Interesting Than Your Refrigerator Magnets.

The Plastic Knife Is Perfect For When A Person Just Wants To Make Some Marks On His Food And Get Insanely Frustrated At The Same Time.

I Learned This Summer That Peeing In The Pool And Peeing Into The Pool Are Very Different Things. Location, Location, Location.

Drunken Behavior Will Not Be Tolerated, Except By Those Who Are Being Hilarious.

The Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack Is During A Game Of Charades.

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Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

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When A Couch Potato Is Sliced Up And Then Deep Fried That Is Couch French Fries.

My Family Was Fine, It's Just A Different Way Of Going About Life. Creativity Was Not Something That Was Isolated And Identified And Valued.

When I Dropped Out [from A Law School], Everybody Was Disappointed... But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom. Before That, I Never Realized How Much I Sought Other People's Approval. Once I Figured That Out, I Was Free To Move On And Seek The Approval Of Other People, In Comedy Clubs And Showbiz Meetings.

Do You Have Any Greek In You? That Was Just A Tactful Way Of Asking If You're Pregnant. If You're Not, Then Let's Break Up.

I Think My Favorite Sound Is The Sound Of Someone Not Playing The Bongos.

My Original Goal Was Just To Do Stand-up But Then I Became Interested In Films - Writing A Film, Shooting One Someday, And Getting To Act In Them.

You Can Say 'thanks,' And You Can Say 'thanks A Million' - But Any Number In Between?

I Need To Develop Some Patience - Immediately.

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