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When A Dalmatian Sees A Cow He Must Be Like, 'what The Hell Happened To Him? I Am High Right Now. That Dalmatian Is Fat And Smeary.' When The Cow Sees The Dalmatian He Must Be Like, 'he Looks Amazing. I Am So Out Of Shape, This Is Ridiculous. My Tits Are On The Ground Here.

-Demetri Martin

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When A Dalmatian Sees

Demetri Martin

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When A Dalmatian Sees A Cow He Must Be Like, 'what The Hell Happened To Him? I Am High Right Now. That Dalmatian Is Fat And Smeary.' When The Cow Sees The Dalmatian He Must Be Like, 'he Looks Amazing. I Am So Out Of Shape, This Is Ridiculous. My Tits Are On The Ground Here.

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I Wish I Lived Next To Carnegie Hall. Then, If Someone Asked Me How To Get To My House, I Would Just Say 'practice, Practice, Practice, And Then Take A Left.'

Overheard Today In Restaurant: Can You Stop Listening To Our Conversation?

I Think It Would Be Frustrating To Be A Match Maker. "what Do You Do?" "i'm A Match Maker" "aw, That's Really Romantic" "no, Umm... I Actually... Never Mind"

Someday I Will Tell My Grandchildren That I Lived In The Era When Ok Was Abbreviated To K.

I Got Into Stand Up Just To Do Stand Up Because I Love Stand Up.

There's An Old Russian Saying That Goes Some Way Or Another. I Don't Know It. I Don't Speak Russian. But Sometimes I Think About It And Wonder If It's Relevant To What I'm Going Through At The Time. Probably Not. I Mean What Do Russian Know About Hunger, Anyway?

I Always Wanted To Do A Movie, Because I Love The Movies. They Give You A Chance To Have An Intimacy With Your Audience That Is Different From Stand Up. With Movies, You Can Bring The Audience In With A Close Up, And Emote In A Different Way.

When I Look Up At The Clouds I See So Many Animals, Mostly Sheep Who Have Lost Their Limbs And Heads.

There's A Very Fine Line Between Giving Someone The Heimlich Maneuver And Dry-humping A Stranger.

If You Have A Lair Then You Are Probably Not A Good Person.

I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

When I Am Given A Multiple Choice Test I Choose Not To Take It.

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I Wonder What The Most Intelligent Thing Ever Said Was That Started With The Word 'dude.' 'dude, These Are Isotopes.' 'dude, We Removed Your Kidney. You're Gonna Be Fine.' 'dude, I Am So Stoked To Win This Nobel Prize. I Just Wanna Thank Kevin, And Turtle, And All My Homies.'

When I Am At Rodeo I Find It Difficult Not To Root For The Animals.

Most Stick People Are Black.

There Is Also A Beast, A Beast Of Strange Dimensions. He Has The Head Of A Horse And The Body Of A Man Who Needs A Lot Of Attention. He Represents Me In College: I Was A Dork-ataur.

Halloween: The Day Each Year When Strangers Give You Even More Specific Reasons To Dislike Them Based On What They Are Wearing.

I Think One Of The Most Groundbreaking Inventions Of All Time Is The Jackhammer.

If You Want To Feel Less Sexy Put Scotch Tape On Your Nipples.

I Don't Know If I'll Ever Be A Master At Anything, But I Think That's A Mistake For Me Personally. I Don't Know How Much It's About The Journey, But It's More About The Process.

When I Was Younger, I'd Get Very Empirical With Myself. "i Have A Hypothesis About Myself. I'll Put Myself In A Situation, See What Happens, Then I'll Draw A Conclusion Based On The Empirical Evidence. Hypothesis: I Can Play Basketball." So I'd Try. "conclusion: I Cannot Play Basketball."

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There Are Jokes I Know I Want To Tell, And There's Sort Of A Rough Order, But Usually I Try To Change It Up Every Show, To Improvise And Talk With The Audience. I Think When You Tell Jokes, If You're Not Careful, You Can End Up Telling The Whole List Of Jokes And Then That's It. And That Can Get A Little Boring.

A Pipe Is Greater Than A Bong. Because When You're Smoking A Pipe At Least It Makes You Look Like You're Thinking About Something.

The Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack Is During A Game Of Charades.

They Say That Structure Is Freedom, And In A Sense It Is. When You're Dealing With Multiple Constraints, You Have To Figure Out What You Can Get Out Of That.

It Is Interesting That The Black Bmw Is The Preferred Car Of So Many Assholes.

If You Want To Dry Hump Someone You Don't Know, Just Act Like They Were Choking.

Jumping Jacks Are Easier To Do Than Crawling Jacks.

Yes" Actually Means "no" 100% Of The Time, When The Question Is "can I Give You Some Advice?

Swimming Is A Confusing Sport, Because Sometimes You Do It For Fun, And Other Times You Do It To Not Die. And When I'm Swimming, Sometimes I'm Not Sure Which One It Is.

My Friend Named His Car. And I Don't Want To Be Judgemental, But... What A Dork.

Everybody Knew That You Should Never Provoke A Rattlesnake, Much Less Tie It Into A Bow. But That Didn't Stop Judd. What Did Stop Him Was The Rattlesnake.

I Think There Are So Many Little Hurdles And Impediments With Stand-up That You'd Need To Have This Insane Desire To Do It If You Didn't Have Something That Clicked Right Away.

But Long Story Short, I Didn't Start Doing Stand-up Because I Wanted To Have A Tv Show Or Be An Actor Or Even Wanted To Write Sketch Comedy. I Got Into Stand-up Because I Love Stand-up.

When I Used To Go On The Wikipedia Page, And I Haven't Gone On The Page In A While, There Used To Be Some Guy Who Was Doing My Page And He Would Say That He Was My Cousin And I Was Going To Be Doing Projects With Him. I Don't Know Who This Person Is And I Don't Have A Cousin By This Name And This Person Keeps Saying That They're Doing Projects With Me. It's So Weird.

I Have Never Been In A Bad Mood And Near A Beach Ball At The Same Time. Causation? Correlation? Or Fate?

I Would Like A Ship For The Hips, Please. Ships And Hips. Hipsters To Stir With Their Hips On The Hip Ships. And, Of Course, Hips. Yeah, Hip. That's Me. I Also Like Sips. I'm A Slow Drinker. A Sipster. I'm A Sipster Hipster Comedian. Yeah, Sips. But More Hips. Hip, Hipster, Hip Star, Hiptard. Definitely.

Sometimes I Like To Go Outside Without Even Checking The Weather First.

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It Is Illegal To Yell “fire” In A Crowded Theater. If There Is A Fire, Please Yell Something Else Instead, Like “flames!” Or “smoke Maker!” Or “bad Hot!

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I Wanna See A Snake Eat Spaghetti.

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A Good Name For A Gang Would Be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

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Skeet Shooting Is Probably More Satisfying If You Really Hate Skeets.

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The Sofa Is The Enemy Of Productivity.

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I Think It Would Be Worse To Get Mauled By A Dancing Bear Than Just A Regular Bear Because You Can't Totally Blame The Dancing Bear.

Clowns Have No Respect For Pie.

I Was A Good Student When I Was A Kid, And I Did Everything I Was Supposed To Do, And I Got A's.

You Are Ten Times More Likely To Get Hit By A Car When The Driver Is Aiming For You.

You Never Forget Your First Kiss. And That's What Makes It So Hard To Forgive My Uncle.

A Wednesday With No Rain Is A Dry Hump Day.

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The Best Way To Make Somebody Feel Important Is To Try To Assassinate Them.

How Fast Does A Zebra Have To Run Before It Looks Gray.

Popcorn Is One Of The Only Situations In Which You Eat The Result Of An Explosion.

I Can Always Tell How Stupid Someone Is By How Certain They Are About What They're Saying.

I Think, At First Blush, The '60s Always Enticed Me. There's Something About The '60s, It's Not Hard To Like It.

If I Ever Saw An Amputee Getting Hanged, I'd Probably Just Start Calling Out Letters.

In Retrospect, Everything Is Finite, But Prospectively, There Are Infinite Possibilities. I Guess That's What Makes Life Hopeful.

Sometimes, When Something Really Great Happens To Me, I Like To Wait Two Weeks Before I Tell Anyone About It, Because I Like To Use The Word 'fortnight'.

I Am Everything And I Am Nothing. I Am Just Kidding; I Am Not Everything And Nothing. That Would Be Ridiculous. I Am Just Everything.

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I Wanna Buy A Bunch Of Hermit Crabs And Make Them Live Together.

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Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

I Like Birthdays. Every Time Someone Is Born, That's Just Like Bringing More Cake Into The World.

I Want To Launch A Globe Into Space Just To Mess With The Astronauts.

Another Term For Balloon Is Bad Breath Holder.

I Went Into A Clothing Store, And The Lady Asked Me What Size I Was. I Said, 'actual'. I'm Not To Scale.

At Any Minute, I Am Four Minutes From A Poncho.

It's Very Easy To Turn A Toy Into An Adult Toy: Location, Location, Location.

Statistics Indicate That The Average American Is A Guy Named Brian Who Lives In Ohio.

I Don't Want To Be My Own Boss. I Want To Be My Own Colleague.

If You Really Think About It, Hitting The Snooze Button In The Morning Doesn't Even Make Sense. It's Like Saying, 'i Hate Getting Up In The Morning-so I Do It Over... And Over... And Over Again.'

The Difference Between A Child's Toy And An Adult Toy Is: Location, Location, Location.

A Drunk Driver Is Very Dangerous. So Is A Drunk Backseat Driver If He's Persuasive.

I Never Set Out To Do A Sketch Show.

People And Squirrels Are Very Different. Most People Will Not Argue That. But I Find That There Is One Situation In Which They're Very Similar. And That Is: When I Am Driving Towards Them In My Car. Then They're Kind Of Hard To Tell Apart - Especially If The Human Is Kind Of Hairy.

As A Creative Person, You Want To Have A Foothold And Sense Of Progress.

I Wonder If, As A Society, We Will Ever Be Able To Call Someone A Jive Tofurkey.

I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

To Remove All Credibility From What You're Saying Try Wearing Sunglasses On Your Forehead.

I Don't Know What The Long Form Of Ok Is. I Wanna Think It's Okie Dokie. 'i'm Okie Dokie. I'm A Little Shaken Up, But I'm Okie Dokie.' 'the Good News Is, She's Okie Dokie. The Surgery Went Fine.'

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I Hate Seeing People That Look Like You. Especially If God's Living By The Motto 'if At First You Don't Succeed.'

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The Question Is, 'how Bad At Sports Were You As A Kid?' I Grew Up Near Where They Film Jersey Shore. If You Weren't Tan, Muscular, And Book-averse, You Were A Dork And A Nerd And A Geek And Stuff. I Remember Being Into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

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I Saw A Transvestite Wearing A T-shirt That Said 'guess'.

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It's Weird The Way "finger Puppet" Sounds Okay As A Noun... Ladies.

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I Travel Alone So Much, And The First Thought Is To Grab The Damn Phone. In Airports, Just Look Around. Nobody Looks At Anybody, Or Even Out The Window. It's Obvious We Can't Live Without It Anymore, And As A Comic On The Road The Phone Is An Essential Tool. It's Probably Doing More Good Than Bad For Me, But It Does Make Me Sad That Those Of Us Who Grew Up Without Mobile Phones, We Know What We're Missing.

Right Before I'm About To Talk At Length About Something I Like I Say, Get Me Started.

I Wanna Put Stickers On Turtles... I Don't Know Why.

Okay, So, When I Was A Kid, Definitely The Drawings And The Illustration. Then I Stopped In Sixth Grade Or So. And Then I Started Again When I Was In My Twenties. I Really Didn't Progress Since Then, So The Way I Draw Is The Way I Drew In Sixth Grade.

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A Lifevest Protects You From Drowning And A Bulletproof Vest Protects You From Getting Shot, And A Sweater Vest Protects You From Pretty Girls.

Bulletproof Vest

Whenever I Investigate A Smell, I Find That The Answer Is Always Bad. It's Never: 'what Is That? *sniff* Muffins!'

And As Far As Actors Go, Peter Sellers Is My All-time Favorite.

It's Hard To Know What's Gay In Life. Boxing. That's Two Men Fighting Over A Belt.

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways. Indeed. And A Shorter Way To Say That Is: God Is A Sneak.

To Remove Blood Stains From Your Conscience Try Frozen Margaritas.

I'm Not A Lawmaker, But I Was Thinking That If You Have A Really Loud Ring Tone, Maybe You Should Be Stabbed In The Ear?

They Should Call Fishing What It Really Is... Tricking And Killing!

I Wonder If It's Rude For A Deaf Person To Talk With Food In Their Hands.

What's This About Rice Milk? I Didn't Even Know Rice Had Nipples!

I Have An Erratic Drummer For Anybody Who's Just Listening To This, He Can Keep Time, But Just In Spurts.

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Easy Way To Make Someone Sound Less Powerful, Just Put Dj In Front Of Their Name... ..dj Abraham Lincoln

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