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I Live In New York And There Are A Lot Of Famous... Pizzerias In My Neighborhood, It's Really Hard To Find One That Isn't Famous. Which Sucks Sometimes, You Know What I Mean, Sometimes I Don't Want All That Glitz And Glamour, I Just Want Something Delicious, You Know? I Don't Need A Celebrity In My Mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza Would Be Fine.

-Demetri Martin

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I Live In New

Demetri Martin

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I Live In New York And There Are A Lot Of Famous... Pizzerias In My Neighborhood, It's Really Hard To Find One That Isn't Famous. Which Sucks Sometimes, You Know What I Mean, Sometimes I Don't Want All That Glitz And Glamour, I Just Want Something Delicious, You Know? I Don't Need A Celebrity In My Mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza Would Be Fine.

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I Go The Gym And I Try To Run On The Treadmill And I Listen To Music But It Doesn't Motivate Me Enough. So I'm Going To Get A Recording Of A Pack Of Wolves Gaining On Me. People Would Be Like, 'why Is That Guy Crying On That Treadmill Over There?' 'i Don't Know, But He's Been Yelling, 'help' For Like 20 Minutes. He's Getting A Good Workout.

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When There's Someone Who's Dead And Then Someone Does Something That That Person Would Not Have Liked, They Say That That Person Is Spinning In Their Grave. But I Don't Understand Why They Say That. Why Is Spinning The Way That A Corpse Shows Disapproval?

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

Employee Of The Month Is A Good Example Of How Somebody Can Be Both A Winner And A Loser At The Same Time.

I Was Student Council President In High School, And Even In Law School, I Was Vice-president Of The Student Bar Association.

A Drunk Driver Is Very Dangerous. So Is A Drunk Backseat Driver If He's Persuasive.

It's Thursday And It Really Feels Like A Thursday. Sometimes Things Just Work Out.

I Was Walking In The Park And This Guy Waved At Me. Then He Said, 'i'm Sorry, I Thought You Were Someone Else.' I Said, 'i Am.'

To Some I Am Known As Chief. And These Are Usually People Who Work In Radio Shack Or Try To Sell Me Shoes. To Others I Am Known As Buddy. These Are People Who Dwell In Bars And Wonder If I’ve Got A Problem Or What It Is That I Am “looking At.” And To Still Others, Who Are In That Same Bar, Standing Just Off To The Side, I Am “get Him!"

I Thought I Would, You Know, Go To College, Get To Law School, Finish, And Then Get A Job And Work As A Lawyer, But That Proved To Be Not A Good Fit For Me.

I've Often Liked A Girl, Made Her Laugh, And Thought She Liked Me, And Then Found Out That She Didn't Like Me That Way. I've Definitely Done Time In The Friend Zone.

Overheard Today In Restaurant: Can You Stop Listening To Our Conversation?

I Think Since I Was Kid People Told Me That They Thought I Was Funny.

Tic Tacs Are The Maracas Of Breath Mints.

The Digital Camera Is A Great Invention Because It Allows Us To Reminisce. Instantly.

One Of My Favorite Clothing Patterns Is Camouflage. Because When You're In The Woods It Makes You Blend In. But When You're Not It Does Just The Opposite. It's Like, 'hey, There's An Asshole.'

If You Want To Feel Less Sexy Put Scotch Tape On Your Nipples.

I Hate Seeing People That Look Like You. Especially If God's Living By The Motto 'if At First You Don't Succeed.'

A Lot Of People Don't Like Bumper Stickers. I Don't Mind Bumper Stickers. To Me A Bumper Sticker Is A Shortcut. It's Like A Little Sign That Says 'hey, Let's Never Hang Out.'

Sometimes Heckling Can Almost Help A Set, Because It Ratchets Up The Tension In The Room... Can Even Bring Things To A Climax.

I Never Set Out To Do A Sketch Show.

When I Look Up At The Clouds I See So Many Animals, Mostly Sheep Who Have Lost Their Limbs And Heads.

Right Before I'm About To Talk At Length About Something I Like I Say, Get Me Started.

I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

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I Never Went Bungee Jumping. The Closest I Did Was I Was Born.

I Was A Good Student When I Was A Kid, And I Did Everything I Was Supposed To Do, And I Got A's.

My Mind Says One Thing, But My Body Says Another. Thanks A Lot, Indian Food And Beer.

A Jerk On A Motorcycle Is Equal To A Leaf, Because I Find It Beautiful When These Things Fall.

There's A Store In My Neighborhood Called Futon World. I Like That Name, 'futon World.' Makes Me Think Of A Magical Place That Gets Less And Less Comfortable Over Time.

You Know What's The Greatest Part Of Anything Ever In The History Of Everything? Exaggeration. No, Wait; It's Correcting Yourself. No, Better Yet, It's Making Lists.

I Saw A Sign That Said, 'watch For Children.' I Was Like, 'that Sounds Like A Fair Trade - Especially If They're Crappy Kids.'

When I Was In High School I Experimented Sexually. The Experiment Was To Never Have Sex With Anybody No Matter How Hard I Tried. Success! Hypothesis Confirmed.

People And Squirrels Are Very Different. Most People Will Not Argue That. But I Find That There Is One Situation In Which They're Very Similar. And That Is: When I Am Driving Towards Them In My Car. Then They're Kind Of Hard To Tell Apart - Especially If The Human Is Kind Of Hairy.

Whenever I Try To Spell 'banana,' I Feel Stupid Because I Don't Know When To End It.

I Would Like A Ship For The Hips, Please. Ships And Hips. Hipsters To Stir With Their Hips On The Hip Ships. And, Of Course, Hips. Yeah, Hip. That's Me. I Also Like Sips. I'm A Slow Drinker. A Sipster. I'm A Sipster Hipster Comedian. Yeah, Sips. But More Hips. Hip, Hipster, Hip Star, Hiptard. Definitely.

I'm In A Weird Position, Because I Like Rainbows, But I'm Not Gay. So Whenever I Go Out Wearing A Rainbow Shirt, I Have To Put "not Gay." But I'm Not Against Gays, So Under That I'll Have To Put "... But Supportive." It's Weird How One Group Of People Took Refracted Light. That's Very Greedy, Gays.

I Don't Know If I'll Ever Be A Master At Anything, But I Think That's A Mistake For Me Personally. I Don't Know How Much It's About The Journey, But It's More About The Process.

Some Of Them Relate To Farts But They Are Not Fart Jokes. They Would Just Be A Fart In The Joke But It's About Something Else.

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Once I Started To Look I Finally Began To See.

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Another Term For Balloon Is Bad Breath Holder.

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I Don't Have To Kill Myself, Time Is Going To Do That.

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Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

I Am Everything And I Am Nothing. I Am Just Kidding; I Am Not Everything And Nothing. That Would Be Ridiculous. I Am Just Everything.

When You Have A Fat Friend There Are No See-saws, Only Catapults.

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Insult To Injury

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Bulletproof Vest

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Clothing Sizes Are Weird, They Go: Small, Medium, Large And Then Extra Large, Extra Extra Large, Extra Extra Extra Large. Something Happened At Large, They Just Gave Up. They Were Like, 'i'm Not Doing Any More Adjectives; You Just Keep Putting Extras On There.' We Could Do Better Than That: Small, Medium, Large, Whoa, Easy, Slow Down, Stop It, Interesting, American.

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I Travel Alone So Much, And The First Thought Is To Grab The Damn Phone. In Airports, Just Look Around. Nobody Looks At Anybody, Or Even Out The Window. It's Obvious We Can't Live Without It Anymore, And As A Comic On The Road The Phone Is An Essential Tool. It's Probably Doing More Good Than Bad For Me, But It Does Make Me Sad That Those Of Us Who Grew Up Without Mobile Phones, We Know What We're Missing.

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I Feel So Fortunate To Be One Of The Lucky Ones Who Is So Grateful And Appreciative To Know Such Great Synonyms For Thankful.

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I Got Myself A Really Nice Nib Pen, With Like 15 Kinds Of India Ink, And Tons Of Different Nibs; I Think I Was Just Procrastinating, Like, Once I Have The Right Nib, The Book Is Just Going To Jump Right Out Of My Fingertips... But Then It Just Ended Up Looking Like The Shitty Drawings That I Usually Do.

I Like Birthdays Because We Celebrate Life With Cakes. It's So Cool. Sometimes When I See A Baby, I'm Like That Much More Cake In The World. But Then When Someone Dies, I'm Like The Cake Streak Is Over.

When They Were Naming The Animals, Somebody Got Lazy: Anteater? What's It Doing? It's Eating Ants. Done!

In Retrospect, Everything Is Finite, But Prospectively, There Are Infinite Possibilities. I Guess That's What Makes Life Hopeful.

A Refrigerator Is The Opposite Of A Drug Addict, Because A Refrigerator Starts In A Box And Then Moves To A House.

You Always Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. You Never Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. The Problem Is, You Have A Non-wolf Imparting Wolf Teachings.

It Seems That Man's Greatest Natural Enemy Is The Target.

I Keep A Lighter In My Back Pocket All The Time. I'm Not A Smoker, I Just Really Like Certain Songs.

Futon World - A Wonderful Place That Becomes Slowly Less Comfortable Over Time.

Easy Way To Make Someone Sound Less Powerful, Just Put Dj In Front Of Their Name... ..dj Abraham Lincoln

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The Sofa Is The Enemy Of Productivity.

Last Week I Lost My Temper In My Karate Class. Man, I'm Not Doing That Again Until I'm A Black Belt. Because I Can Tell You There's A Difference Between Taking Karate And Receiving Karate.

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Whenever I Throw Caution To The Wind I Make Sure I'm Facing The Right Way So That It Doesn't Blow Back And Hit Me In My Face.

There Is Also A Beast, A Beast Of Strange Dimensions. He Has The Head Of A Horse And The Body Of A Man Who Needs A Lot Of Attention. He Represents Me In College: I Was A Dork-ataur.

Mosquito Bites Jesus, Receives Communion.

When I Am Given A Multiple Choice Test I Choose Not To Take It.

Multiple Choice

To Get Strangers To Hate You Even Faster, Crank Up The Volume On That Very Interesting Ringtone Of Yours.

There Are Jokes I Know I Want To Tell, And There's Sort Of A Rough Order, But Usually I Try To Change It Up Every Show, To Improvise And Talk With The Audience. I Think When You Tell Jokes, If You're Not Careful, You Can End Up Telling The Whole List Of Jokes And Then That's It. And That Can Get A Little Boring.

One Time I Saw An Old Man In A Hurry And I Thought, 'that Makes Sense.'

I Love Having An Open Seat Next To Me On The Train. What's Even Better Is When My Seat Is Open Too Because I Just Stayed Home.

I'm So Secretive That When Someone Asks Me, Hey, Can You Keep A Secret? I Say That's None Of Your Business.

None Of Your Business

I Bought A Dictionary. First Thing I Did Was, I Looked Up The Word "dictionary", And It Said "you're An Asshole".

I Used To Get Bummed Out When It Rained; Then I Realized That It's God's Way Of Washing Off Hippies.

Earrings Are The Same As Sneezes: Two Is Okay, But Ten In A Row Is Annoying. If You Have Two Then, God Bless You.

A Couple Weeks Ago I Was On The Street And I Saw An Ugly Pregnant Lady, And I Just Thought, 'good For You.'

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A Lot Of People Like Lollipops. I Don't Like Lollipops. To Me, A Lollipop Is Hard Candy Plus Garbage. I Don't Need A Handle. Just Give Me The Candy.

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A Musical Is The Same As A Burlap Sack, I Would Not Want To Be In Either

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