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When They Were Naming Vitamins They Must Have Thought There Were Going To Be Way More Vitamins Than There Ended Up Being. Ok Let's Name These: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok Man Slow Down We've Got A Lot To Cover Here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then They Got To E And They Were Like 'we're Pretty Much Done. We've Got All Those Damn B's. This Is Embarrassing. Let's Just Skip To K And Get The Hell Out Of Here.

-Demetri Martin

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When They Were Naming

Demetri Martin

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When They Were Naming Vitamins They Must Have Thought There Were Going To Be Way More Vitamins Than There Ended Up Being. Ok Let's Name These: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok Man Slow Down We've Got A Lot To Cover Here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then They Got To E And They Were Like 'we're Pretty Much Done. We've Got All Those Damn B's. This Is Embarrassing. Let's Just Skip To K And Get The Hell Out Of Here.

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I Was Student Council President In High School, And Even In Law School, I Was Vice-president Of The Student Bar Association.

A Cool Tattoo Design Is Any Drawing That Would Also Look Good Saggy.

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I Like "rock, Paper, Scissors Two-thirds." You Know. "rock Breaks Scissors." "these Scissors Are Bent. They're Destroyed. I Can't Cut Stuff. So I Lose." "scissors Cuts Paper." "these Are Strips. This Is Not Even Paper. It's Gonna Take Me Forever To Put This Back Together." "paper Covers Rock." "rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks." There Should Be "rock, Dynamite With A Cutable Wick, Scissors."

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Brought To You By Raising Your Voice. The Next Best Thing To Being Right.

To Get Strangers To Hate You Even Faster, Crank Up The Volume On That Very Interesting Ringtone Of Yours.

Vampires Probably Don't Have Great Breath.

I'd Love To Win Trophies, Be In Movies, Have A Body Of Work I'm Proud Of And Find A Way To Enjoy It Along The Way. Success Is Probably A More Of A Complicated Thing Than That.

There's A Very Fine Line Between Giving Someone The Heimlich Maneuver And Dry-humping A Stranger.

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I Have A Jar At Home, And I Put Pennies In It Whenever I Curse. The Other Day I Spilled The Jar. I Owe It About $25.

I've Often Liked A Girl, Made Her Laugh, And Thought She Liked Me, And Then Found Out That She Didn't Like Me That Way. I've Definitely Done Time In The Friend Zone.

I Didn't Play Music, Nobody In My Family Had An Instrument Or Played Music, We Didn't Even Have Any Books At My House. I Think About It And I'm Like, I Don't Know How I Climbed Out Of There.

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If You Really Think About It, Hitting The Snooze Button In The Morning Doesn't Even Make Sense. It's Like Saying, 'i Hate Getting Up In The Morning-so I Do It Over... And Over... And Over Again.'

I Think Bears And Worms Aren't Very Similar... Until You Think Of Gummy.

I Think It's Cool When An Ex-girlfriend Becomes An Xl Girlfriend.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks. By The Fourth Week, I Found It Tedious. I Got Bored And Grew Restless. I Had No Other Plan For A Job, Because From Seventh Grade On, I Had Planned On Law. So I Shifted My Focus From Classes To Extracurricular Activities.

Whenever I Throw Caution To The Wind I Make Sure I'm Facing The Right Way So That It Doesn't Blow Back And Hit Me In My Face.

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I Was Seeing This Girl And She Wanted To Get More Serious. But I Wasn't Ready To, I Had Just Gotten Out Of A Difficult Relationship Before That. So I Said To Her, 'listen, You Have To Understand Something. Relationships Are Like Eyebrows. It's Better When There's A Space Between Them.' And That's Coming From A Greek Guy.

I Saw A Transvestite Wearing A T-shirt That Said 'guess'.

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I Used To Play Sports. Then I Realized You Can Buy Trophies. Now I Am Good At Everything.

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I Wonder What The Most Intelligent Thing Ever Said Was That Started With The Word 'dude.' 'dude, These Are Isotopes.' 'dude, We Removed Your Kidney. You're Gonna Be Fine.' 'dude, I Am So Stoked To Win This Nobel Prize. I Just Wanna Thank Kevin, And Turtle, And All My Homies.'

If I Could Control The Behavior Of Fat Guys I Would Make Them Ride Mopeds More Often.

It Is Impossible For A Cyclops To Wink.

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When I Am Given A Multiple Choice Test I Choose Not To Take It.

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When I First Heard The Term 'training Bra,' I Was Freaked Out. I Was Pretty Young And I Said, 'did You Just Say Training Bra? They're Training Their Chests? I Had No Idea.' See Some Lady, Her Boobs Are Everywhere. 'what's Her Deal?' Those Are Untrained Titties.

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I Can Tell How Lonely I Am By How Easily I'm Fooled By A Mannequin In A Store.

This Is A Pie Chart About Procrastination.

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I Want To Launch A Globe Into Space Just To Mess With The Astronauts.

One Of The Most Difficult And Ironic Murder Weapons Is The Life Jacket.

For Me, Possibility, Progress, Growth, Those Things Are Very.. They Feel Very Good. It Doesn't Usually Come With Negativity. I Don't Really Mind Sucking At Something As Long As I'm Getting A Little Bit Better At It Along The Way.

When I Am Holding A Water Balloon, So Many Things Look So Unnecessarily Dry.

A Jerk On A Motorcycle Is Equal To A Leaf, Because I Find It Beautiful When These Things Fall.

Every Fight Is A Food Fight When Youre A Cannibal.

There's An Old Russian Saying That Goes Some Way Or Another. I Don't Know It. I Don't Speak Russian. But Sometimes I Think About It And Wonder If It's Relevant To What I'm Going Through At The Time. Probably Not. I Mean What Do Russian Know About Hunger, Anyway?

Saying, 'i'm Sorry' Is The Same As Saying, 'i Apologize.' Except At A Funeral.

I'm A Body Builder, But I Don't Use Weights. I Use Snacks. It's Kind Of A Different Building Process.

I Like Fruit Baskets Because It Gives You The Ability To Mail Someone A Piece Of Fruit Without Appearing Insane. Like, If Someone Just Mailed You An Apple You'd Be Like, 'huh? What The Hell Is This?' But If It's In A Fruit Basket You're Like, 'this Is Nice!'

I Think As A Performer, It Can Be Really Great To Stand On Stage, Especially When You Have More Time, But I Do Think About The Specific People In The Audience, How It's Hard For Them To Get Up And Go To The Bathroom, How They Chose Not To Do Other Things That Night And Have Turned Off Their Phones And Everything. So For That Reason, I Think It's Necessary To Mix It Up And Talk To The Audience.

I Go The Gym And I Try To Run On The Treadmill And I Listen To Music But It Doesn't Motivate Me Enough. So I'm Going To Get A Recording Of A Pack Of Wolves Gaining On Me. People Would Be Like, 'why Is That Guy Crying On That Treadmill Over There?' 'i Don't Know, But He's Been Yelling, 'help' For Like 20 Minutes. He's Getting A Good Workout.

When You're Wearing An Animal Costume And Something Bad Happens, Your Facial Expression Doesn't Change. The Animal Is Deadpan The Whole Time. If You're Skiing In A Gorilla Suit And You Fall, You Just See A Gorilla Who Has No Emotion. It's Just A Stoic Gorilla, Wildly Falling Down A Hill, Out Of Control.

A Lifevest Protects You From Drowning And A Bulletproof Vest Protects You From Getting Shot, And A Sweater Vest Protects You From Pretty Girls.

Bulletproof Vest

For Example, I Was A White House Intern The Summer Before I Dropped Out Of Law School. Everybody Knew About It. I'd Come Home And Go To Church And Everybody Would Say, Oh, My God. Demetri, You're Working At The White House.

It Would Be Interesting If Elvis Were Reincarnated As An Elvis Impersonator.

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The Definition Of Adventure Depends Upon How Boring Your Life Is.

Leave No Stone Unturned In Your Quest To Disrupt A Rock Garden.

Halloween's My Favorite Holiday Because You Don't Have To Spend It With Your Family.

You Always Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. You Never Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. The Problem Is, You Have A Non-wolf Imparting Wolf Teachings.

I Was In My Friends Garage, And He Had; A Kite, A Yo-yo, And A Boomerang. I Was Like "dude, You Have Abandonment Issues"

I Believe In Empathy. When Religion Provides That For People, It's The Best Thing In The World.

I Think There Are So Many Little Hurdles And Impediments With Stand-up That You'd Need To Have This Insane Desire To Do It If You Didn't Have Something That Clicked Right Away.

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