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I Think As A Performer, It Can Be Really Great To Stand On Stage, Especially When You Have More Time, But I Do Think About The Specific People In The Audience, How It's Hard For Them To Get Up And Go To The Bathroom, How They Chose Not To Do Other Things That Night And Have Turned Off Their Phones And Everything. So For That Reason, I Think It's Necessary To Mix It Up And Talk To The Audience.

-Demetri Martin

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I Think As A

Demetri Martin

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I Think As A Performer, It Can Be Really Great To Stand On Stage, Especially When You Have More Time, But I Do Think About The Specific People In The Audience, How It's Hard For Them To Get Up And Go To The Bathroom, How They Chose Not To Do Other Things That Night And Have Turned Off Their Phones And Everything. So For That Reason, I Think It's Necessary To Mix It Up And Talk To The Audience.

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I Keep A Lighter In My Back Pocket All The Time. I'm Not A Smoker, I Just Really Like Certain Songs.

You Get Really Disillusioned, Because You Thought You Were In Love. But You Realize That You're Just Alone.

Don't Forget To Turn Your Clocks Back Today If You Don't Want Your Clocks To Be Set To The Right Time.

Dogs Seem More Photogenic Than Cats. In Photos Most Cats Look Like Sociopaths.

Tic Tacs Are The Maracas Of Breath Mints.

If I Make My Window Ten Days For Stand-up, The Conclusion Is That I Failed And That I'm Not Good At Stand-up. If I Make It Ten Years - If I Just Wait - The Conclusion Might Be Something Totally Different. I Think It's So Cool To Do Things In Which You Discover The Malleability Of Your Own Mind.

When I Am At Rodeo I Find It Difficult Not To Root For The Animals.

Drunken Behavior Will Not Be Tolerated, Except By Those Who Are Being Hilarious.

When I Am Holding A Water Balloon, So Many Things Look So Unnecessarily Dry.

When I Was Younger, I'd Get Very Empirical With Myself. "i Have A Hypothesis About Myself. I'll Put Myself In A Situation, See What Happens, Then I'll Draw A Conclusion Based On The Empirical Evidence. Hypothesis: I Can Play Basketball." So I'd Try. "conclusion: I Cannot Play Basketball."

You Can Say 'thanks,' And You Can Say 'thanks A Million' - But Any Number In Between?

If You Happen To Catch On Fire During The Show, Do Not Panic Or Wave Your Arms Around Or Scream Or We Wil Give Something To Panic And Wave You Arms Around And Scream About.

Thing To Try: If You Are Asked To Describe A Suspect To A Police Sketch Artist, Describe In Precise Detail, The Features Of The Police Sketch Artist. This Is One Of The Rare Instances Where Two People Can Do One Self-portrait.

I'd Love To Win Trophies, Be In Movies, Have A Body Of Work I'm Proud Of And Find A Way To Enjoy It Along The Way. Success Is Probably A More Of A Complicated Thing Than That.

It Is A Little Ironic That One Thing A Babysitter Should Not Do Is Sit On A Baby.

I Can Move Objects With My Mind, If I Use My Hands.

I'm Always Excited To Try Something I Haven't Done.

Now I Got A Time Machine At Home. It Only Goes Foreword At Regular Speed. It's Essentially A Cardboard Box And On The Outside I Wrote Time Machine In Sharpie.

Reality Is A Concept That Depends Largely Upon Where You Point Your Face.

A Refrigerator Is The Opposite Of A Drug Addict, Because A Refrigerator Starts In A Box And Then Moves To A House.

I Saw A Door That Said Exit Only. So I Entered Through It And Went Up To The Guy Working There And Said "i Have Good News. You Have Severely Underestimated That Door Over There. By Like A Hundred Percent."

One Of The Most Difficult And Ironic Murder Weapons Is The Life Jacket.

One Thing You Never Hear Is "man That Guy Is Good At Badminton".

Sometimes Heckling Can Almost Help A Set, Because It Ratchets Up The Tension In The Room... Can Even Bring Things To A Climax.

My Credit Card Company Says I Have An Outstanding Balance. I'm Flattered.

I Saw A Dog Wearing A Sweater And I Thought That Looked Ridiculous 'cause Dogs Don't Have Arms. If You're Going To Put Clothes On The Dog, You Should Put Two Pairs Of Pants On It.

Man Versus Woman Equals Fun. Man Versus Man Equals Gay. Woman Versus Woman Equals Awesome. Man Versus Pillow Equals Crazy. Pillow Versus Pillow Equals Crazy Awesome - That's A Real Pillow Fight Right There. You See Two Pillows Fighting, You Know Something's Going Down. They're Designed For Relaxation. If They're Fighting, What Hope Do We Have? One Time I Saw Two Geese Fighting, And I Was Like, 'this Is A Pillow Fight Ahead Of Time.

You Are Ten Times More Likely To Get Hit By A Car When The Driver Is Aiming For You.

I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

I Have A Jar At Home, And I Put Pennies In It Whenever I Curse. The Other Day I Spilled The Jar. I Owe It About $25.

If I Have To Move Up In A Building, I Choose The Elevator Over The Escalator. Because One Time I Was Riding The Escalator And I Tripped. I Fell Down The Stairs For An Hour And A Half.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks. By The Fourth Week, I Found It Tedious. I Got Bored And Grew Restless. I Had No Other Plan For A Job, Because From Seventh Grade On, I Had Planned On Law. So I Shifted My Focus From Classes To Extracurricular Activities.

I Like Playing Frisbee. It Is The Only Sport Where You Can Throw Something At A Person And It's Okay.

A Cool Tattoo Design Is Any Drawing That Would Also Look Good Saggy.

It's Not Enough To Say I'm Sorry. You Have To Also Mean It. It's The Same With Saying I'm Single.

I Wonder If There Were Any Goths In Gothic Times. They're Like: You Look Completely Appropriate. You Don't Look Stupid Or Lonely At All.

I Think A Lot Of People Who Watch Tv Don't Realize When They're Watch Tv Shows And It Says 'produced By' And Producer, Producer... There Are All These Producers. What The Hell Does A Producer Do? It's Funny How Much You Have To Worry About As A Producer.

'dammit I'm Mad' Is 'dammit I'm Mad' Spelled Backwards.

My Friend Asked Me I Ever Swam With Dolphins. I Was Like, 'yeah, Of Course. What Distance Are We Talking About From The Dolphins? Because The Last Time I Was In The Ocean, I'm Pretty Sure I Swam With Most Of Them.'

I Like "rock, Paper, Scissors Two-thirds." You Know. "rock Breaks Scissors." "these Scissors Are Bent. They're Destroyed. I Can't Cut Stuff. So I Lose." "scissors Cuts Paper." "these Are Strips. This Is Not Even Paper. It's Gonna Take Me Forever To Put This Back Together." "paper Covers Rock." "rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks." There Should Be "rock, Dynamite With A Cutable Wick, Scissors."

For Some Reason Cowboy Sounds Better Than Cowman.

When I Am Given A Multiple Choice Test I Choose Not To Take It.

Multiple Choice

There Is A Fine Line Between A Sleepover And Just Drinking Way Too Much At Someone Else's House.

Sometimes I Use My Jokes As Building Blocks For Larger Bits. I Like To Draw And Play Music, So Sometimes I Do Those Things Along With The Jokes.

I Wanna Make A Jigsaw Puzzle That's 40,000 Pieces. And When You Finish It, It Says 'go Outside.'

I Like To Go To Concerts Because I Love To See My Favorite Band Through The Phone Of The Asshole Who's Standing In Front Of Me.

I Want To Make A Revolving Door That Says 'pull' On It, Just See How Obedient People Are.

I Wish I Lived Next To Carnegie Hall. Then, If Someone Asked Me How To Get To My House, I Would Just Say 'practice, Practice, Practice, And Then Take A Left.'

Swimming Is A Confusing Sport, Because Sometimes You Do It For Fun, And Other Times You Do It To Not Die. And When I'm Swimming, Sometimes I'm Not Sure Which One It Is.

To Make Even Fewer Friends Try Talking About Politics As Much As You Talk About Yourself.

A Glove Is A Very Literal Looking Hand Puppet.

I Wanna See A Snake Eat Spaghetti.

There Is No I In Team, Unless You Count The Vertical Part Of The T.

There Is No I In Team

I Didn't Do Improv In College, I Never Performed, I Didn't Do Theater Either. I Was In Student Government, I Was A History Major.

A Mobile Home With A Flat Tire Is A Home.

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Cottonballs Are An Example Of Something I'd Want To Buy, But Not Have As A Nickname.

Have A Great Day. Note: Does Not Apply To My Enemies.

Have A Great Day

Whenever I See An Autobiography For Sale In The Book Store I Just Flip To The About The Author Section. I'm Like, "done, Next!"

A Good Name For A Gang Would Be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

How Many Of You Are Creative? I Don't Know, But For Me, When You Make A Bunch Of Things Over Time And Then You Keep Them... You Forget. I Look Through My Sketchbooks And I'm An Audience For Myself.

Stand-up Is Like A Row Boat: It's Fun And Romantic When You're Choosing To Do It. But If You Have No Other Choice Than To Be In A Row Boat It's Not As Enjoyable; That's Survival.

How Fast Does A Zebra Have To Run Before It Looks Gray.

The Shortest Feedback Loop I Can Think Of Is Doing Improvisation In Front Of An Audience.

Wind Chimes Are Also Earthquake Chimes.

I Learned This Summer That Peeing In The Pool And Peeing Into The Pool Are Very Different Things. Location, Location, Location.

It Would Be Interesting If Elvis Were Reincarnated As An Elvis Impersonator.

I Think It Would Be Cool If You Were Writing A Ransom Note On Your Computer, If The Paper Clip Popped Up And Said, 'looks Like You're Writing A Ransom Note. Need Help? You Should Use More Forceful Language, You'll Get More Money.'

I Was Student Council President In High School, And Even In Law School, I Was Vice-president Of The Student Bar Association.

I Think That When You Get Dressed In The Morning, Sometimes You're Really Making A Decision About Your Behavior For The Day. Like If You Put On Flipflops, You're Saying: 'hope I Don't Get Chased Today.' 'be Nice To People In Sneakers.'

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I've Heard Of Many Chocoholics, But I Ain't Never Seen No "chocohol". We Got An Epidemic, People: People Who Like Chocolate But Don't Understand Word Endings. They're Probably "over-workaholled".

How To Be A Bouncer: Be An Asshole; Stand Near A Door.

I Never Give Anyone Just One Congratulation. Congratulations Are Always Plural. They Are Similar To Grapes.

Congratulations

The Bird, The Bee, The Running Child Are All The Same To The Sliding Glass Door.

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I Love Steven Wright.

You Can Make A Very Heavy And Kind Of Dangerous 3-way Shot Glass Out Of A Bowling Ball.

It's Not The Size Of The Dog In The Fight, It's The Size Of The Dog's Owner - And The Distance You Are From Your Car.

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I Am Bravery. I Am Courage. I Am Valor. I Am Daring. I Am Holding A Thesaurus.

I Walk Around And Think About Things. When I Come Across A Thought That Makes Me Laugh, I Write It Down. Then, At Night, I Say The Thought To People Through A Microphone. I Don't Think About Politics Or Pop Culture Very Much, So Those Thoughts Don't Often Make It To The Microphone.

I Was Thinking How Strange It Is That Water Is One Of The Best, Simplest Things On This Planet, And Still With A Simple Glass Of Water You Can Neutralize So Many Of The Greatest Technological Advances That We Provide. Like With My Blackberry, I Can Get In Touch With So Many People, But If I Dip It In A Small Glass Of Water I'm Completely Disconnected.

I Think As A Performer, It Can Be Really Great To Stand On Stage, Especially When You Have More Time, But I Do Think About The Specific People In The Audience, How It's Hard For Them To Get Up And Go To The Bathroom, How They Chose Not To Do Other Things That Night And Have Turned Off Their Phones And Everything. So For That Reason, I Think It's Necessary To Mix It Up And Talk To The Audience.

Vampires Probably Don't Have Great Breath.

There's A Very Fine Line Between Giving Someone The Heimlich Maneuver And Dry-humping A Stranger.

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I Remember When I Used To Be Really Into Nostalgia.

But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom.

I Am A Comedian But It's Usually Not A Compliment To Be Called A Prop Comedian But I Guess I Sometimes Use Props. And I Always Confuse Humorist With Comedian. That's Strange.

I Think The Best Thing About Being Dumb Is That It Makes Magic A Lot Better. Where The Hell Did That Rat Come From? I Dunno, But I'm Calling The Cops Because He Just Cut That Lady In Half.

I Wonder If It's Rude For A Deaf Person To Talk With Food In Their Hands.

When I Stub My Toe It's Like I Pressed A Button That Plays All The Curse Words I Know.

I Wonder How They Deal With Mice At Disney World.

If You Are Trying To Impress A Woman, Leave Any Sort Of Show Farting Out Of The Equation.

I Think Bears And Worms Aren't Very Similar... Until You Think Of Gummy.

I Wish My Name Started With A Comma. That Would Be So Dramatic.

My Original Goal Was Just To Do Stand-up But Then I Became Interested In Films - Writing A Film, Shooting One Someday, And Getting To Act In Them.

If You Remove A Treehouse From A Tree, Than It's Just A Shitty House. Sometimes When I'm In A Shitty House, I Like To Imagine That It's In A Tree, Than It's Like Woah, This House Is Amazing.

I Always Try To Just Be Honest ... As Opposed To Artifice Or Manipulation.

Last Week I Lost My Temper In My Karate Class. Man, I'm Not Doing That Again Until I'm A Black Belt. Because I Can Tell You There's A Difference Between Taking Karate And Receiving Karate.

I Want To Launch A Globe Into Space Just To Mess With The Astronauts.

The Thing About Glitter Is If You Get It On You, Be Prepared To Have It On You Forever. Because Glitter Doesn't Go Away. Glitter Is The Herpes Of Craft Supplies.

I Think It's Cool When An Ex-girlfriend Becomes An Xl Girlfriend.

To Some I Am Known As Chief. And These Are Usually People Who Work In Radio Shack Or Try To Sell Me Shoes. To Others I Am Known As Buddy. These Are People Who Dwell In Bars And Wonder If I’ve Got A Problem Or What It Is That I Am “looking At.” And To Still Others, Who Are In That Same Bar, Standing Just Off To The Side, I Am “get Him!"

For Me, Possibility, Progress, Growth, Those Things Are Very.. They Feel Very Good. It Doesn't Usually Come With Negativity. I Don't Really Mind Sucking At Something As Long As I'm Getting A Little Bit Better At It Along The Way.

I Was On The Train The Other Day, And I Heard Somebody Say, I'm Really Good At Checkers. That's The Same Thing As Saying, I'm Not Good At Very Many Things.

I Never Went Bungee Jumping. The Closest I Did Was I Was Born.

There Are Very Few Songs About Just Liking Someone As A Friend.

I Love Bowling Almost As Much As I Love Not Bowling.

Villains Fear Me Because I Am Unpredictable And Broccoli. See What I Mean?

Artistically, I Find Jokes Really Satisfying Aesthetically, Because There's Something Great About Getting An Idea Down To A Sentence Or Two.

Halloween: The Day Each Year When Strangers Give You Even More Specific Reasons To Dislike Them Based On What They Are Wearing.

I Ordered A Wake-up Call The Other Day. The Phone Rang And A Woman's Voice Said, 'what The Hell Are You Doing With Your Life?'

If You Have A Lair Then You Are Probably Not A Good Person.

The Definition Of Adventure Depends Upon How Boring Your Life Is.

Sometimes It Looks Like I'm Dancing, But It's Just That I Walked Into A Spider Web.

Rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks.

Sometimes, When Something Really Great Happens To Me, I Like To Wait Two Weeks Before I Tell Anyone About It, Because I Like To Use The Word 'fortnight'.

I Like Birthdays. Every Time Someone Is Born, That's Just Like Bringing More Cake Into The World.

The Best Way To Make Somebody Feel Important Is To Try To Assassinate Them.

I Think, At First Blush, The '60s Always Enticed Me. There's Something About The '60s, It's Not Hard To Like It.

Small Businesses Are Important, But So Are Tiny Businesses.

The Planets. Now Footnote, I'm Including Pluto In The Planets, Because I Think It's Terrible What They Did To Pluto. And It's Still A Planet To Me. I Grew Up With Pluto As A Planet, It Will Always Be A Planet.

Siamese Twins Are Interesting Because They Are The Only People Who Can Write A Biography And An Autobiography At The Same Time.

It's Thursday And It Really Feels Like A Thursday. Sometimes Things Just Work Out.

I Think A Lot Of Stuff I Find Funny Is From Day Dreaming.

Palindromes Are The Number One Conversation Stopper, Like Party Killer, I Think I've Ever Seen.

I Don't Know If I'll Ever Be A Master At Anything, But I Think That's A Mistake For Me Personally. I Don't Know How Much It's About The Journey, But It's More About The Process.

Relationships, Like Eyebrows, Are Better When There Is Space Between Them.

I Wonder If, As A Society, We Will Ever Be Able To Call Someone A Jive Tofurkey.

A Parade Looks Like A Bunch Of People Are Excited About Being In Traffic.

Employee Of The Month Is A Good Example Of How Somebody Can Be Both A Winner And A Loser At The Same Time.

The Boomerang Is Australia's Chief Export (and Then Import).

Suicide Is The #1 Killer Of A Person Who Is In A Boat And Happens To Be Passing Under A Bridge At The Wrong Time.

I Can Always Tell How Stupid Someone Is By How Certain They Are About What They're Saying.

The Shortest Distance Between Two Idiots Is A Conga Line.

I Wanna Design A Video Game Where You'd Have To Take Care Of All The People Shot In All The Other Video Games.

I Have An Erratic Drummer For Anybody Who's Just Listening To This, He Can Keep Time, But Just In Spurts.

The Problem With My Balloon Collection Is That People Always Think There's A Party. Settle Down. It's Not A Party. It's Just Balloons.

Count Your Blessings, But Not Out-loud, At The Top Of Your Lungs.

Count Your Blessings

Clowns Have No Respect For Pie.

I'm Not A Lawmaker, But I Was Thinking That If You Have A Really Loud Ring Tone, Maybe You Should Be Stabbed In The Ear?

Whenever I'm On My Computer, I Don't Type 'lol'. I Type 'lqtm' - Laugh Quietly To Myself. It's More Honest.

One Of My Favorite Clothing Patterns Is Camouflage. Because When You're In The Woods It Makes You Blend In. But When You're Not It Does Just The Opposite. It's Like, 'hey, There's An Asshole.'

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways. Indeed. And A Shorter Way To Say That Is: God Is A Sneak.

It Is Illegal To Yell “fire” In A Crowded Theater. If There Is A Fire, Please Yell Something Else Instead, Like “flames!” Or “smoke Maker!” Or “bad Hot!

I Wasn't Even A Big Comedy Nerd. A Lot Of The Comedians I Know - A Lot Of My Friends Are Comedians - They Knew A Lot About Comedy Growing Up.

I Have A Time Machine At Home. It Only Goes Forward At Regular Speed

A Straw Enables You To Drink Without Using Your Wrist. A Straw Is Your Friend - Until You Lose Eye Contact With The Straw. Then It Will Betray You And Make You Look Like An Idiot.

I Like To Use 'i Can't Believe It's Not Butter' On My Toast In The Morning, Because Sometimes When I Eat Breakfast, I Like To Be Incredulous. How Was Breakfast? Unbelievable.

I Think There's A Difference Between Making Comedy And Reporting Comedy. When You're A Joke Teller You Can Easily Fall Into The Second, You Can Show Up And Just Say The Jokes.

They Say It's Lonely At The Top. It Must Be Even Lonelier At The Tippy Top.

Lonely At The Top

Timing Is Everything. That's A Cliche. Now. If I'd Said That A Long Time Ago, I'd Have Been Original.

I Need To Develop Some Patience - Immediately.

I Like Fruit Baskets Because It Gives You The Ability To Mail Someone A Piece Of Fruit Without Appearing Insane. Like, If Someone Just Mailed You An Apple You'd Be Like, 'huh? What The Hell Is This?' But If It's In A Fruit Basket You're Like, 'this Is Nice!'

I Wanna Put Stickers On Turtles... I Don't Know Why.

It Turns Out Dentists Don't Like It Very Much When You Show Up For A Cleaning In Full Vampire Gear.

Overheard Today In Restaurant: Can You Stop Listening To Our Conversation?

Most Stick People Are Black.

I Think They Named The Orange Before The Carrot.

I Don't Have To Kill Myself, Time Is Going To Do That.

There Are Two Kinds Of Jackets - Reversible, And Reversible But It's Hard To Zipper Up And It Looks Really Stupid.

Your Mind Is Like A Sponge, In The Sense That It Would Come In Handy When Cleaning Off A Countertop Or Something Like That.

Knights Would Have Probably Liked Refrigerator Magnets.

I Like Video Games, But They're Really Violent. I'd Like To Play A Video Game Where You Help The People Who Were Shot In All The Other Games. It'd Be Called 'really Busy Hospital.

After Going Through Years Of Litigation To Get Royalties Due To Him, The Guy Who Coined The Term 'happily Ever After' Lived Reasonably Well For A While.

A Jerk On A Motorcycle Is Equal To A Leaf, Because I Find It Beautiful When These Things Fall.

You Need An Audience To Help You Figure Out What's Working And What's Worth Putting On Your Album Or Your Special - Or Even Just What's Worth Touring With.

Sometimes If I Really Want To Get Someone's Attention, I'll Start A Sentence With Something Like, "i'm Not Racist, But..." I Say, "i'm Not Racist, But You Look Great Today." They Say, "that Wasn't Racist At All." I Said, "i Know. I Said I'm Not Racist. You Never Listen. Typical Mexican."

Cotton Balls Is An Example Of Something I Would Buy, But Not Want To Have As A Nickname. Cinnamon Buns, On The Other Hand, Is Something I Would Buy And Want To Have As A Nickname. 'are You Cinnamon Buns?' 'you Bet Your Sweet Ass I Am.'

If You Are Wearing A Bandana You Better Have Something Wise To Say, Because You Are Starting With A Credibility Deficit.

I Got Some New Pajamas With Pockets In 'em. Which Is Great, Because Before That, I Used To Have To Hold Stuff When I Slept. But Now I'm Like, 'where's My Planner? There It Is. "keep Sleeping." All Right, Perfect.'

It's Always Helpful To Remember That In The Grand Scheme Of Things You Are Much More Important Than... Um, Wait, Than... Something, Maybe.

I Think The Most Annoying Language Is A Tie Between All The Ones I Don't Know How To Speak.

There's A Saying That Goes, 'people Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones.' Ok. How About, 'nobody Should Throw Stones'? That's Crappy Behavior. My Policy Is, 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.

If I Had To Pick One Artist To Tile My Bathroom I Would Go With Mc Escher.

I Was Watching Mtv And There Were Girls Dancing In Suspended Cages. That Would Be An Ambivalent Situation: "i'm Trapped! ...but Enjoying The Music".

I Think It's Interesting That Cologne Rhymes With Alone.

Vampire Fad Just Won't Die. Makes Sense, I Guess.

It's Hard To Know What's Gay In Life. Boxing. That's Two Men Fighting Over A Belt.

I Hate Seeing People That Look Like You. Especially If God's Living By The Motto 'if At First You Don't Succeed.'

You Know What's The Greatest Part Of Anything Ever In The History Of Everything? Exaggeration. No, Wait; It's Correcting Yourself. No, Better Yet, It's Making Lists.

The Comedians I Liked Were Bill Cosby And Steven Wright, Like Just Always As A Comedic Actor. I Always Liked Gary Larson, Who's Really Funny For A Cartoonist, Obviously.

I Tend To Avoid Televisions, Politics, And Places With Velvet Ropes.

For Me And Most Of My Friends Who Are Comedians, If You've Been Doing Comedy For A While, Your Tolerance For Things Actually Moves. I Find It Very Hard To Be Shocked, And When Other People Aggressively Take Offense To Something, I'm Sometimes Confused.

I Noticed That There Are No B Batteries. I Think That's To Avoid Confusion, Cause If There Were You Wouldn't Know If Someone Was Stuttering. 'yes, Hello I'd Like Some B-batteries.' 'what Kind?' 'b-batteries.' 'what Kind?' 'b-batteries!' And D-batteries That's Hard For Foreigners. 'yes, I Would Like De Batteries.'

I Like Parties, But I Don't Like Piñatas Because The Pinata Promotes Violence Against Flamboyant Animals. Hey, There's A Donkey With Some Pizzazz. Let's Kick Its Ass.

I Saw A Transvestite Wearing A T-shirt That Said 'guess'.

Right Before I'm About To Talk At Length About Something I Like I Say, Get Me Started.

There Is Also A Beast, A Beast Of Strange Dimensions. He Has The Head Of A Horse And The Body Of A Man Who Needs A Lot Of Attention. He Represents Me In College: I Was A Dork-ataur.

Easy Way To Make Someone Sound Less Powerful, Just Put Dj In Front Of Their Name... ..dj Abraham Lincoln

The Question Is, 'how Bad At Sports Were You As A Kid?' I Grew Up Near Where They Film Jersey Shore. If You Weren't Tan, Muscular, And Book-averse, You Were A Dork And A Nerd And A Geek And Stuff. I Remember Being Into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

The Plastic Knife Is Perfect For When A Person Just Wants To Make Some Marks On His Food And Get Insanely Frustrated At The Same Time.

I Think Since I Was Kid People Told Me That They Thought I Was Funny.

Socrates Became A Trendsetter. Other Philosophers, Including Plato And Aristotle And Gus, Quickly Followed Suit, Dropping Their Last Names Too. And, For Centuries After That There Would Be Countless Imitators Including Oltaire, Michelangelo, And, Much Later, Cher.

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