Background Image

...

But What I Was Going To Say Was, I Just Figured I'm Going To Go Boldly In The Direction Of My Dreams, Say It As Thoreau Would Say, And Just See Where It Takes Me.

-Demetri Martin

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

But What I Was

Demetri Martin

...

But What I Was Going To Say Was, I Just Figured I'm Going To Go Boldly In The Direction Of My Dreams, Say It As Thoreau Would Say, And Just See Where It Takes Me.

Views: 6

Topic

More From Demetri Martin

Swimming Is A Confusing Sport, Because Sometimes You Do It For Fun, And Other Times You Do It To Not Die. And When I'm Swimming, Sometimes I'm Not Sure Which One It Is.

I Bought A Clock, But The Big Hand Broke Off Of It... So I Just Added "ish" To Every Number.

You Mock Those Who Blindly Follow The Majority...turn Your Attention Now To Those Who Are So Dedicated To Deviating From The Norm That They Would Gladly Cease Breathing If It Were Suggested To Them That Inhalation Was A Form Of Conformity; For They Deserve Just As Much Scrutiny And Ridicule.

Mosquito Bites Jesus, Receives Communion.

There Is No I In Team, Unless You Count The Vertical Part Of The T.

There Is No I In Team

I Saw A Sign That Said, 'watch For Children.' I Was Like, 'that Sounds Like A Fair Trade - Especially If They're Crappy Kids.'

The Difference Between A Child's Toy And An Adult Toy Is: Location, Location, Location.

Knights Would Have Probably Liked Refrigerator Magnets.

I Think Bears And Worms Aren't Very Similar... Until You Think Of Gummy.

I Wrapped My Christmas Presents Early This Year, But I Used The Wrong Paper. See, The Paper I Used Said 'happy Birthday' On It. I Didn't Want To Waste It So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

If You Stretched The Average Person's Intestines Out From End To End, It Would Make Them Scream A Lot.

I Think My Favorite Sound Is The Sound Of Someone Not Playing The Bongos.

I Wanna Put Stickers On Turtles... I Don't Know Why.

I Equals All Of The Ifs Added Up Over Time. The Ifs, Those Are The Possibilities; That's Infinite For All Of Us. Every Day There Are Just Millions Of Them. Time, That's Finite For Each Of Us; There Is No Question There. Maybe If You Divide Choices By The Amount Of Time You Have, The Real I Can Emerge, Depending Upon Those Choices.

The Question Is, 'how Bad At Sports Were You As A Kid?' I Grew Up Near Where They Film Jersey Shore. If You Weren't Tan, Muscular, And Book-averse, You Were A Dork And A Nerd And A Geek And Stuff. I Remember Being Into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

I've Never Read An Article Of Clothing.

A Cool Tattoo Design Is Any Drawing That Would Also Look Good Saggy.

To Remove All Credibility From What You're Saying Try Wearing Sunglasses On Your Forehead.

The Thing About Glitter Is If You Get It On You, Be Prepared To Have It On You Forever. Because Glitter Doesn't Go Away. Glitter Is The Herpes Of Craft Supplies.

I Can Tell How Lonely I Am By How Easily I'm Fooled By A Mannequin In A Store.

You Always Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. You Never Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. The Problem Is, You Have A Non-wolf Imparting Wolf Teachings.

Planning Trip Around The Globe, That Is In My Room.

I Wish I Lived Next To Carnegie Hall. Then, If Someone Asked Me How To Get To My House, I Would Just Say 'practice, Practice, Practice, And Then Take A Left.'

It's Very Easy To Go Through Your Whole Life And Never Really Get Anything Done Or Have Any Real Meaningful Interactions Or Relationships. All Of A Sudden You're Dead, And I'm Going To Say That's Got To Be A Letdown.

I Am Sometimes Referred To As Excuse Me In An Annoyed Tone Of Voice, Because Apparently I Am In The Way. I Am So Sorry. I Am Supposed To Be Some Sort Of Mind Reader, I Guess. I Am Moving Out Of The Way Now As Slowly As I Possibly Can. I Am Doing This And There's Nothing You Can Do About It.

I Don't Know What The Long Form Of Ok Is. I Wanna Think It's Okie Dokie. 'i'm Okie Dokie. I'm A Little Shaken Up, But I'm Okie Dokie.' 'the Good News Is, She's Okie Dokie. The Surgery Went Fine.'

When I Dropped Out [from A Law School], Everybody Was Disappointed... But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom. Before That, I Never Realized How Much I Sought Other People's Approval. Once I Figured That Out, I Was Free To Move On And Seek The Approval Of Other People, In Comedy Clubs And Showbiz Meetings.

When They Were Naming Vitamins They Must Have Thought There Were Going To Be Way More Vitamins Than There Ended Up Being. Ok Let's Name These: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok Man Slow Down We've Got A Lot To Cover Here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then They Got To E And They Were Like 'we're Pretty Much Done. We've Got All Those Damn B's. This Is Embarrassing. Let's Just Skip To K And Get The Hell Out Of Here.

I Wanna Buy A Bunch Of Hermit Crabs And Make Them Live Together.

I Hate Seeing People That Look Like You. Especially If God's Living By The Motto 'if At First You Don't Succeed.'

There's A Store In My Neighborhood Called Futon World. I Like That Name, 'futon World.' Makes Me Think Of A Magical Place That Gets Less And Less Comfortable Over Time.

A Lot Of Things Look Cooler In Slow Motion. Eating Isn't One Of Them.

Canoe Plus Waterfall Equals I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

Usually, I Walk Around And Think About Things. When I Come Across A Thought That Makes Me Laugh, I Write It Down.

When I First Heard The Term 'training Bra,' I Was Freaked Out. I Was Pretty Young And I Said, 'did You Just Say Training Bra? They're Training Their Chests? I Had No Idea.' See Some Lady, Her Boobs Are Everywhere. 'what's Her Deal?' Those Are Untrained Titties.

Leave No Stone Unturned In Your Quest To Disrupt A Rock Garden.

Sometimes It Looks Like I'm Dancing, But It's Just That I Walked Into A Spider Web.

For Me, Possibility, Progress, Growth, Those Things Are Very.. They Feel Very Good. It Doesn't Usually Come With Negativity. I Don't Really Mind Sucking At Something As Long As I'm Getting A Little Bit Better At It Along The Way.

They Should Call Fishing What It Really Is... Tricking And Killing!

Fire Truck With Back End On Fire Drives Really Fast In Circles.

It Would Be Nice If People Said, God Bless You Not Just When You Sneezed But Also When You Farted.

I Thought I Would, You Know, Go To College, Get To Law School, Finish, And Then Get A Job And Work As A Lawyer, But That Proved To Be Not A Good Fit For Me.

I Was In My Friends Garage, And He Had; A Kite, A Yo-yo, And A Boomerang. I Was Like "dude, You Have Abandonment Issues"

I Do Come Across People Who Don't Like Me, Don't Like My Comedy, Don't Think It's Funny, It's Too Cutesy, Or Whatever They Hate. And It's Like, "okay. That's Your Opinion. Somebody Liked It, So That's Good." Hopefully It Balances Out.

Glitter Is The Herpes Of Craft Supplies.

Whenever I Try To Spell 'banana,' I Feel Stupid Because I Don't Know When To End It.

I Like To Go To Concerts Because I Love To See My Favorite Band Through The Phone Of The Asshole Who's Standing In Front Of Me.

Easy Way To Make Someone Sound Less Powerful, Just Put Dj In Front Of Their Name... ..dj Abraham Lincoln

But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom.

I Am A Man. And I Am Former Baby And A Future Skeleton, And I Am A Distant Future Pile Of Dust.

I Travel Alone So Much, And The First Thought Is To Grab The Damn Phone. In Airports, Just Look Around. Nobody Looks At Anybody, Or Even Out The Window. It's Obvious We Can't Live Without It Anymore, And As A Comic On The Road The Phone Is An Essential Tool. It's Probably Doing More Good Than Bad For Me, But It Does Make Me Sad That Those Of Us Who Grew Up Without Mobile Phones, We Know What We're Missing.

The Easiest Time To Add Insult To Injury Is When You're Signing Somebody's Cast.

Insult To Injury

I Like Stand-up. But I'd Also Like A Family And House And A Yard. I Want To Work With A Lot Of People, Have Colleagues; And On Good Film Sets, There's People There That Work With The Same People For Years And Years. I Love That Collaborative Spirit In That Medium. Comedy Is A Lot More Solitary.

I Call It 'new Forms'. When You're Starting Out, They Ask You To Do Four Or Five Minute Sets, But Once You're A Headliner, You Do Like 90 Minutes. I Try To Think Of Different Things To Divvy Up The Show, Like Doing Drawings, Playing Music... I Gotta Carry The Show, That's The Problem.

I Like When People Wear A Wwjd Bracelet, Because It's Like An Example Of The First Thing Jesus Wouldn't Do, Probably.

Rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks.

A Sports Bar Is A Way To Take A Bar And Fill It With Even More Annoying People Than Usual.

Vampires Probably Don't Have Great Breath.

I Care About Politics, But I Have A Tough Time Making Comedy Out Of It. I Was So Happy To Have A Chance To Be On The Daily Show, And I Think Jon Stewart's So Funny... But Mostly In My Own Comedy, I Care About Less Relevant Things.

Usually My Favorite Joke Is Whichever Joke I Most Recently Came Up With That Surprised Me The First Time I Thought Of It.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks.

If You Want To Make A Mythical Creature, Just Take A Regular Animal And Add Wings To It. A Horse Becomes A Pegasus, A Lion Becomes A Griffin, And A Hawk... Becomes A Double Hawk.

Halloween: The Day Each Year When Strangers Give You Even More Specific Reasons To Dislike Them Based On What They Are Wearing.

I Keep A Lighter In My Back Pocket All The Time. I'm Not A Smoker, I Just Really Like Certain Songs.

When I Am Holding A Water Balloon, So Many Things Look So Unnecessarily Dry.

A Refrigerator Is The Opposite Of A Drug Addict, Because A Refrigerator Starts In A Box And Then Moves To A House.

I Love Steven Wright.

Don't Talk To Strangers. Sure, Unless You Want To Meet Anyone Ever.

Regarding The Marching Band: How Much More Interesting It Would Be To See A Creeping Band.

Another Term For Balloon Is Bad Breath Holder.

To Me, Comedy Is A Game.

If I Were Blind, I'd Wear A Blindfold All The Time.

Relationships, Like Eyebrows, Are Better When There Is Space Between Them.

But Long Story Short, I Didn't Start Doing Stand-up Because I Wanted To Have A Tv Show Or Be An Actor Or Even Wanted To Write Sketch Comedy. I Got Into Stand-up Because I Love Stand-up.

Automatic Paper Towel Dispensers Are A Solution To Something That Was Never A Problem In The First Place.

The Best Way To Make Somebody Feel Important Is To Try To Assassinate Them.

I Set A Personal Record On Christmas. I Got My Shopping Done Three Weeks Ahead Of Time. I Had All The Presents Back At My Apartment, I Was Halfway Through Wrapping Them, And I Realized, 'damn, I Used The Wrong Wrapping Paper.' The Paper I Used Said, 'happy Birthday.' I Didn't Want To Waste It, So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

Tic Tacs Are The Maracas Of Breath Mints.

In America, One Sure Sign Of Success Is The Presence Of An Unnecessary Waterfall In A Person's Yard.

Use Crazy Glue And Nails To Turn A Rocking Chair Into Just A Chair That Looks Like A Rocking Chair.

The Definition Of Adventure Depends Upon How Boring Your Life Is.

I Bought A New Pair Of Pajamas With Pockets, Which Is Great, Cause Now I Don't Have To Hold Things When I Sleep.

I Wonder If, As A Society, We Will Ever Be Able To Call Someone A Jive Tofurkey.

The Shortest Feedback Loop I Can Think Of Is Doing Improvisation In Front Of An Audience.

The Comedians I Liked Were Bill Cosby And Steven Wright, Like Just Always As A Comedic Actor. I Always Liked Gary Larson, Who's Really Funny For A Cartoonist, Obviously.

I Love Having An Open Seat Next To Me On The Train. What's Even Better Is When My Seat Is Open Too Because I Just Stayed Home.

A Musical Is The Same As A Burlap Sack, I Would Not Want To Be In Either

One Thing I Learned Is That It's Never Ok To Walk Through A Cemetery Dressed As A Mummy - Even If That Was A Shortcut On The Way To The Costume Party.

I Live In New York And There Are A Lot Of Famous... Pizzerias In My Neighborhood, It's Really Hard To Find One That Isn't Famous. Which Sucks Sometimes, You Know What I Mean, Sometimes I Don't Want All That Glitz And Glamour, I Just Want Something Delicious, You Know? I Don't Need A Celebrity In My Mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza Would Be Fine.

I Think There Are So Many Little Hurdles And Impediments With Stand-up That You'd Need To Have This Insane Desire To Do It If You Didn't Have Something That Clicked Right Away.

Multi-choice Question: My Dishwasher Is: Efficient; Hilarious.

When Someone Describes Themself As A Taxpayer, They're About To Be An Asshole.

They Say That Structure Is Freedom, And In A Sense It Is. When You're Dealing With Multiple Constraints, You Have To Figure Out What You Can Get Out Of That.

A Parade Looks Like A Bunch Of People Are Excited About Being In Traffic.

Last Week I Lost My Temper In My Karate Class. Man, I'm Not Doing That Again Until I'm A Black Belt. Because I Can Tell You There's A Difference Between Taking Karate And Receiving Karate.

I Went Whale Watching Once. It Was Very Similar To Watching People On A Boat Become Disappointed.

It Is A Little Ironic That One Thing A Babysitter Should Not Do Is Sit On A Baby.

I Like Video Games, But They're Really Violent. I'd Like To Play A Video Game Where You Help The People Who Were Shot In All The Other Games. It'd Be Called 'really Busy Hospital.

I Was A Good Student When I Was A Kid, And I Did Everything I Was Supposed To Do, And I Got A's.

It's Not The Size Of The Dog In The Fight, It's The Size Of The Dog's Owner - And The Distance You Are From Your Car.

There Are Very Few Songs About Just Liking Someone As A Friend.

It's Very Easy To Turn A Toy Into An Adult Toy: Location, Location, Location.

A Lot Of People Don't Like Bumper Stickers. I Don't Mind Bumper Stickers. To Me A Bumper Sticker Is A Shortcut. It's Like A Little Sign That Says 'hey, Let's Never Hang Out.'

When I Was In High School I Experimented Sexually. The Experiment Was To Never Have Sex With Anybody No Matter How Hard I Tried. Success! Hypothesis Confirmed.

I Saw A Transvestite Wearing A T-shirt That Said 'guess'.

Canoe + Waterfall = I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

I Was Stuck In Traffic And I Looked In The Mirror And In The Car Behind Me There Was A Couple Having A Horrible Argument And Right Below Their Image It Said "objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I Just Thought, Man I Hope So Because She Was Pretty Mad.

For Example, I Was A White House Intern The Summer Before I Dropped Out Of Law School. Everybody Knew About It. I'd Come Home And Go To Church And Everybody Would Say, Oh, My God. Demetri, You're Working At The White House.

Never Forget Where You Came From. That's What I Think When I Walk Into A Cave.

I Am A Comedian But It's Usually Not A Compliment To Be Called A Prop Comedian But I Guess I Sometimes Use Props. And I Always Confuse Humorist With Comedian. That's Strange.

Right Now Someone Out There Is Struggling And Starting To Panic Because They Can't Get Out Of A Tempurpedic Bed.

I Didn't Play Music, Nobody In My Family Had An Instrument Or Played Music, We Didn't Even Have Any Books At My House. I Think About It And I'm Like, I Don't Know How I Climbed Out Of There.

There Is Also A Beast, A Beast Of Strange Dimensions. He Has The Head Of A Horse And The Body Of A Man Who Needs A Lot Of Attention. He Represents Me In College: I Was A Dork-ataur.

You Get Really Disillusioned, Because You Thought You Were In Love. But You Realize That You're Just Alone.

A Squirrel Is The Same As A Can, When There's A Bb Gun In My Hand. Can't You See That I Am Just A Man? With Distinctions... And Comparisons.

It's Weird The Way "finger Puppet" Sounds Okay As A Noun... Ladies.

I Love Steven Wright. I Was In High School In The '80s, And There Was A Lot Of Stand Up On Television.

I Was On The Train The Other Day, And I Heard Somebody Say, I'm Really Good At Checkers. That's The Same Thing As Saying, I'm Not Good At Very Many Things.

To Get Strangers To Hate You Even Faster, Crank Up The Volume On That Very Interesting Ringtone Of Yours.

Now I Got A Time Machine At Home. It Only Goes Foreword At Regular Speed. It's Essentially A Cardboard Box And On The Outside I Wrote Time Machine In Sharpie.

I Just Know Keeping Track Of What I'm Doing And Where I'm Going Is Important To Me.

Man Is The Most Powerful Creature On The Planet. And We're Arrogant. I Mean, People Own Birds. It's Like, There's A Creature With The Gift Of Flight. I Want It. I'm Going To Put It In My Kitchen And Make It Crap On Old Information.

I Like Parties, But I Don't Like Piñatas Because The Pinata Promotes Violence Against Flamboyant Animals. Hey, There's A Donkey With Some Pizzazz. Let's Kick Its Ass.

I Was Watching Mtv And There Were Girls Dancing In Suspended Cages. That Would Be An Ambivalent Situation: "i'm Trapped! ...but Enjoying The Music".

If You Have A Lip Ring Try Hanging Some Tiny Keys From It. This Will Make You Look Even More Interesting.

I've Often Liked A Girl, Made Her Laugh, And Thought She Liked Me, And Then Found Out That She Didn't Like Me That Way. I've Definitely Done Time In The Friend Zone.

There Is A Fine Line Between A Sleepover And Just Drinking Way Too Much At Someone Else's House.

I Am A Man Of My Word… And That Word Is “unreliable.

I Wear Dark Sunglasses When I Want My Head To Look More Like A Limousine.

I Don't Think I Ever Wrote A Song. I Can Write A Lot Of Jokes, But When I Try To Write Lyrics They're The Most Direct, Non-figurative Words, Like, 'i Like You, I Like You,'... And That's It, For The Whole Song. People Would Go, 'ooh, This Guy's Dylan Or Something.' It Gives Me A Lot More Respect For Songwriters, Actually.

I Go The Gym And I Try To Run On The Treadmill And I Listen To Music But It Doesn't Motivate Me Enough. So I'm Going To Get A Recording Of A Pack Of Wolves Gaining On Me. People Would Be Like, 'why Is That Guy Crying On That Treadmill Over There?' 'i Don't Know, But He's Been Yelling, 'help' For Like 20 Minutes. He's Getting A Good Workout.

I Wanna Design A Video Game Where You'd Have To Take Care Of All The People Shot In All The Other Video Games.

I Never Went Bungee Jumping. The Closest I Did Was I Was Born.

I Think They Should Put Pies On The Fronts Of Trains, So That When They Hit Something It's At Least A Little Bit Funny.

I Wasn't Even A Big Comedy Nerd. A Lot Of The Comedians I Know - A Lot Of My Friends Are Comedians - They Knew A Lot About Comedy Growing Up.

It's Funny: When People Always Talk About The Importance Of Role Models, I Used To Think That Was So Exaggerated, But As I Get Older, I Start To Realize I Don't Feel That Way So Much Anymore. If You See Somebody Like You Who's Doing Something, An Older Version Of What You Are, It Does Make You Feel Like It's More Possible.

There Is A Small, But Important, Difference Between Peeing In The Pool, And Peeing Into The Pool.

I'm A Body Builder, But I Don't Use Weights. I Use Snacks. It's Kind Of A Different Building Process.

At The Battle Of The Bands The Loser's Always The Audience.

I Have Fun Acting, And I Want To Do More Of It, And I Want To Direct My Own Movie.

I'm A Producer On My Show, Which Is Great, But It's Also Kind Of A Mixed Blessing Because There's So Much Responsibility. Everything Is A Decision. You Have To Worry About The Money, You Have To Worry About Daylight, Who We're Going To Cast And If This Location Doesn't Work Out, What Are We Going To Do?

I Think It Would Be Worse To Get Mauled By A Dancing Bear Than Just A Regular Bear Because You Can't Totally Blame The Dancing Bear.

Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

I Used To Play Sports. Then I Realized You Can Buy Trophies. Now I Am Good At Everything.

Whenever I See An Autobiography For Sale In The Book Store I Just Flip To The About The Author Section. I'm Like, "done, Next!"

I Know About Woodstock Probably As Much As Your Average Person Who Is Over 30, Where I'd Know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

You Can Say 'thanks,' And You Can Say 'thanks A Million' - But Any Number In Between?

I Want To Get The Joke To Work Without Having To Put Any Words Or To Say Anything. I Just Want The Person To Look At It, And Quietly In Their Brain, They Can Just Put It Together And Say, "cool, That One Works".

If You Are Trying To Impress A Woman, Leave Any Sort Of Show Farting Out Of The Equation.

If You Want To Dry Hump Someone You Don't Know, Just Act Like They Were Choking.

I Think A Lot Of Stuff I Find Funny Is From Day Dreaming.

Specifically In Stand-up, I Love Jokes. I Love Short, Structured Ideas And A Punchline.

I Was Making Pancakes The Other Day And A Fly Flew Into The Kitchen. And That's When I Realized That A Spatula Is A Lot Like A Fly-swatter. And A Crushed Fly Is A Lot Like A Blueberry. And A Roommate Is A Lot Like A Fly Eater.

Don't Forget To Turn Your Clocks Back Today If You Don't Want Your Clocks To Be Set To The Right Time.

I Ordered A Wake-up Call The Other Day. The Phone Rang And A Woman's Voice Said, 'what The Hell Are You Doing With Your Life?'

People And Squirrels Are Very Different. Most People Will Not Argue That. But I Find That There Is One Situation In Which They're Very Similar. And That Is: When I Am Driving Towards Them In My Car. Then They're Kind Of Hard To Tell Apart - Especially If The Human Is Kind Of Hairy.

There's A Very Fine Line Between Giving Someone The Heimlich Maneuver And Dry-humping A Stranger.

Clowns Have No Respect For Pie.

Cottonballs Are An Example Of Something I'd Want To Buy, But Not Have As A Nickname.

If You Drink Enough Beer, Everything Turns In To A Bed.

I Want To Commit A Crime During A Reenactment, And Turn It Into An Enactment.

A Good Name For A Gang Would Be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

Suicide Is The #1 Killer Of A Person Who Is In A Boat And Happens To Be Passing Under A Bridge At The Wrong Time.

To Remove Blood Stains From Your Conscience Try Frozen Margaritas.

My Friend Asked Me I Ever Swam With Dolphins. I Was Like, 'yeah, Of Course. What Distance Are We Talking About From The Dolphins? Because The Last Time I Was In The Ocean, I'm Pretty Sure I Swam With Most Of Them.'

I Don't Like Thank You Cards Because I Don't Know What Else To Say. What Do I Put On The Inside? See Front.

The Key To Life Is Balance, Especially If You Are On A Ledge.

My Mind Says One Thing, But My Body Says Another. Thanks A Lot, Indian Food And Beer.

It Feels Like Every Day Or Two, People On Twitter And The Internet Are Outraged About Something.

I Learned This Summer That Peeing In The Pool And Peeing Into The Pool Are Very Different Things. Location, Location, Location.

Sometimes, When Something Really Great Happens To Me, I Like To Wait Two Weeks Before I Tell Anyone About It, Because I Like To Use The Word 'fortnight'.

I Like People, For A Little While.

I Love Motor Learning Because It's Very Basic And Primal. A Lot Of What I Like To Learn Correlates With The Opposite Of What Gets You Laid. I Can Ride A Unicycle And I Can Juggle. These Are Unimpressive Things To Know.

Artistically, I Find Jokes Really Satisfying Aesthetically, Because There's Something Great About Getting An Idea Down To A Sentence Or Two.

A Rubik's Cube Is Equal To A Drag Queen. It's Really Colorful, But I Don't Wanna Do It.

You Know What's The Greatest Part Of Anything Ever In The History Of Everything? Exaggeration. No, Wait; It's Correcting Yourself. No, Better Yet, It's Making Lists.

Futon World - A Wonderful Place That Becomes Slowly Less Comfortable Over Time.

I Used To Get Bummed Out When It Rained; Then I Realized That It's God's Way Of Washing Off Hippies.

If I Have To Move Up In A Building, I Choose The Elevator Over The Escalator. Because One Time I Was Riding The Escalator And I Tripped. I Fell Down The Stairs For An Hour And A Half.

I Always Try To Just Be Honest ... As Opposed To Artifice Or Manipulation.

Villains Fear Me Because I Am Unpredictable And Broccoli. See What I Mean?

Whenever I Throw Caution To The Wind I Make Sure I'm Facing The Right Way So That It Doesn't Blow Back And Hit Me In My Face.

I'm Always Excited To Try Something I Haven't Done.

There's A Saying That Goes, 'people Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones.' Ok. How About, 'nobody Should Throw Stones'? That's Crappy Behavior. My Policy Is, 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.

And Of Course I Didn't Make Any Money From Stand Up For Years, So I Had Temp Jobs. That Was The Way I Made Money.

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

How To Be A Bouncer: Be An Asshole; Stand Near A Door.

I Wanna Make A Jigsaw Puzzle That's 40,000 Pieces. And When You Finish It, It Says 'go Outside.'

Jumping Jacks Are Easier To Do Than Crawling Jacks.

And As Far As Actors Go, Peter Sellers Is My All-time Favorite.

Count Your Blessings, But Not Out-loud, At The Top Of Your Lungs.

Count Your Blessings

I Got Some New Pajamas With Pockets In 'em. Which Is Great, Because Before That, I Used To Have To Hold Stuff When I Slept. But Now I'm Like, 'where's My Planner? There It Is. "keep Sleeping." All Right, Perfect.'

Small Businesses Are Important, But So Are Tiny Businesses.

One Time I Saw An Old Man In A Hurry And I Thought, 'that Makes Sense.'

I Believe In Empathy. When Religion Provides That For People, It's The Best Thing In The World.

I Wonder If It's Rude For A Deaf Person To Talk With Food In Their Hands.

Yes, Okay, It's Cool To Be Quirky, Maybe, On The Side. Do Some Puzzles, Make Puzzles, Whatever, Learn How To Ride A Unicycle. That's Cool When It's On The Side And You Have A Plan. What Happens When You Remove The Plan? What You're Left With Is A Guy Who Likes To Do Anagrams. And Doesn't Have A Job... Sweet, That's A Catch.

When Someone Asks You The Question 'are You Ticklish' It Doesn't Matter If You Say Yes Or No, Cause They're Going To Touch You. If Someone Asks If You're Ticklish And You Don't Want To Be Touched You Should Something Like 'i Have Diarrhea, Now Don't Touch Me Cause You'll Make It Come Out... And Yes I'm Very Ticklish'.

Do You Have Any Greek In You? That Was Just A Tactful Way Of Asking If You're Pregnant. If You're Not, Then Let's Break Up.

I Like To Stand Near Atm Machines, And When Somebody Types In Their Pin Number, I Go, 'got It!' And Then I Run Away.

Trending Author

Jurgen Klinsmann

Jean-Michel Basquiat

Category