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I Don't Think I Ever Wrote A Song. I Can Write A Lot Of Jokes, But When I Try To Write Lyrics They're The Most Direct, Non-figurative Words, Like, 'i Like You, I Like You,'... And That's It, For The Whole Song. People Would Go, 'ooh, This Guy's Dylan Or Something.' It Gives Me A Lot More Respect For Songwriters, Actually.

-Demetri Martin

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I Don't Think I

Demetri Martin

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I Don't Think I Ever Wrote A Song. I Can Write A Lot Of Jokes, But When I Try To Write Lyrics They're The Most Direct, Non-figurative Words, Like, 'i Like You, I Like You,'... And That's It, For The Whole Song. People Would Go, 'ooh, This Guy's Dylan Or Something.' It Gives Me A Lot More Respect For Songwriters, Actually.

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I Love Catching A Snapshot Of Something That Is Just About To Happen. Or Maybe Something That Just Happened, You Know. But I Like Especially That Just-before Kind Of Feeling.

I Do Come Across People Who Don't Like Me, Don't Like My Comedy, Don't Think It's Funny, It's Too Cutesy, Or Whatever They Hate. And It's Like, "okay. That's Your Opinion. Somebody Liked It, So That's Good." Hopefully It Balances Out.

Planning Trip Around The Globe, That Is In My Room.

Everybody Knew That You Should Never Provoke A Rattlesnake, Much Less Tie It Into A Bow. But That Didn't Stop Judd. What Did Stop Him Was The Rattlesnake.

I Believe In Empathy. When Religion Provides That For People, It's The Best Thing In The World.

I'm Very Hip-oriented. I Focus On Hips In My Comedy - Probably More Than Any Other Hipster Comic Who Is Out There Hipping Today. My Hips, Other Hips. I Work With My Hips A Great Deal. That Is What I Do. But Not In A Gay Way.

Okay, So, When I Was A Kid, Definitely The Drawings And The Illustration. Then I Stopped In Sixth Grade Or So. And Then I Started Again When I Was In My Twenties. I Really Didn't Progress Since Then, So The Way I Draw Is The Way I Drew In Sixth Grade.

We Do Not Allow Dwarf Tossing. If You Toss A Dwarf, The Dwarf Will Be Tossed Right Back At You, But Faster.

I Set A Personal Record On Christmas. I Got My Shopping Done Three Weeks Ahead Of Time. I Had All The Presents Back At My Apartment, I Was Halfway Through Wrapping Them, And I Realized, 'damn, I Used The Wrong Wrapping Paper.' The Paper I Used Said, 'happy Birthday.' I Didn't Want To Waste It, So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

If I Had A Bookstore I Would Make All The Mystery Novels Hard To Find.

I Wanna Buy A Bunch Of Hermit Crabs And Make Them Live Together.

I Always Try To Just Be Honest ... As Opposed To Artifice Or Manipulation.

I Keep A Lighter In My Back Pocket All The Time. I'm Not A Smoker, I Just Really Like Certain Songs.

Batteries Are The Most Dramatic Object. Other Things Stop Working Or They Break, But Batteries... They Die.

When You Have A Fat Friend There Are No See-saws, Only Catapults.

I Love Having An Open Seat Next To Me On The Train. What's Even Better Is When My Seat Is Open Too Because I Just Stayed Home.

It's Always Helpful To Remember That In The Grand Scheme Of Things You Are Much More Important Than... Um, Wait, Than... Something, Maybe.

Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

I Call It 'new Forms'. When You're Starting Out, They Ask You To Do Four Or Five Minute Sets, But Once You're A Headliner, You Do Like 90 Minutes. I Try To Think Of Different Things To Divvy Up The Show, Like Doing Drawings, Playing Music... I Gotta Carry The Show, That's The Problem.

I Like To Go To Concerts Because I Love To See My Favorite Band Through The Phone Of The Asshole Who's Standing In Front Of Me.

Sometimes Heckling Can Almost Help A Set, Because It Ratchets Up The Tension In The Room... Can Even Bring Things To A Climax.

Fire Truck With Back End On Fire Drives Really Fast In Circles.

In Retrospect, Everything Is Finite, But Prospectively, There Are Infinite Possibilities. I Guess That's What Makes Life Hopeful.

Our Times, A Brief History: As Televisions Became Flatter, People Became Rounder.

The Bird, The Bee, The Running Child Are All The Same To The Sliding Glass Door.

Use Crazy Glue And Nails To Turn A Rocking Chair Into Just A Chair That Looks Like A Rocking Chair.

The Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack Is During A Game Of Charades.

You Need An Audience To Help You Figure Out What's Working And What's Worth Putting On Your Album Or Your Special - Or Even Just What's Worth Touring With.

100% Of The People Who Give 110% Do Not Understand Math.

I Think They Should Put Pies On The Fronts Of Trains, So That When They Hit Something It's At Least A Little Bit Funny.

I Hate Seeing People That Look Like You. Especially If God's Living By The Motto 'if At First You Don't Succeed.'

But What I Was Going To Say Was, I Just Figured I'm Going To Go Boldly In The Direction Of My Dreams, Say It As Thoreau Would Say, And Just See Where It Takes Me.

The Earth Without Art Is Just Eh.

I'm Always Excited To Try Something I Haven't Done.

For Some Reason Cowboy Sounds Better Than Cowman.

If I Make My Window Ten Days For Stand-up, The Conclusion Is That I Failed And That I'm Not Good At Stand-up. If I Make It Ten Years - If I Just Wait - The Conclusion Might Be Something Totally Different. I Think It's So Cool To Do Things In Which You Discover The Malleability Of Your Own Mind.

Vampires Probably Don't Have Great Breath.

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And Of Course I Didn't Make Any Money From Stand Up For Years, So I Had Temp Jobs. That Was The Way I Made Money.

The Problem With Most People, Is That They Are Most People.

Four Agreements

For Example, I Was A White House Intern The Summer Before I Dropped Out Of Law School. Everybody Knew About It. I'd Come Home And Go To Church And Everybody Would Say, Oh, My God. Demetri, You're Working At The White House.

Socrates Became A Trendsetter. Other Philosophers, Including Plato And Aristotle And Gus, Quickly Followed Suit, Dropping Their Last Names Too. And, For Centuries After That There Would Be Countless Imitators Including Oltaire, Michelangelo, And, Much Later, Cher.

I Saw A Sign That Said, 'watch For Children.' I Was Like, 'that Sounds Like A Fair Trade - Especially If They're Crappy Kids.'

I Noticed That There Are No B Batteries. I Think That's To Avoid Confusion, Cause If There Were You Wouldn't Know If Someone Was Stuttering. 'yes, Hello I'd Like Some B-batteries.' 'what Kind?' 'b-batteries.' 'what Kind?' 'b-batteries!' And D-batteries That's Hard For Foreigners. 'yes, I Would Like De Batteries.'

Multi-choice Question: My Dishwasher Is: Efficient; Hilarious.

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If You Want To Dry Hump Someone You Don't Know, Just Act Like They Were Choking.

I've Never Read An Article Of Clothing.

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The Chances Of Someone Who Looks Like Jesus Having Pot Raises Steadily, To A Point. If The Guy Is On A Cross You May Have The Wrong Guy.

Once I Started To Look I Finally Began To See.

If You Want To Feel Less Sexy Put Scotch Tape On Your Nipples.

I Think Hair Gel Was Invented To Make It Easier To Identify Assholes From A Distance.

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None Of Your Business

Most Stick People Are Black.

I Wear Dark Sunglasses When I Want My Head To Look More Like A Limousine.

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Game, Set, Match Equals Tennis. Set, Match, Run Equals Arson.

As A Creative Person, You Want To Have A Foothold And Sense Of Progress.

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Bulletproof Vest

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I Wanna See A Snake Eat Spaghetti.

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I Wanna Make A Jigsaw Puzzle That's 40,000 Pieces. And When You Finish It, It Says 'go Outside.'

History, Like Wallpaper, Repeats Itself And Can Also Make A Room Look Old-fashioned.

If You Can't Tell A Spoon From A Ladle, Then You're Fat!

When I Am Given A Multiple Choice Test I Choose Not To Take It.

Multiple Choice

The Easiest Time To Add Insult To Injury Is When You're Signing Somebody's Cast.

Insult To Injury

And My Only Rule Being If When I Wake In The Morning I'm Looking Forward To The Things That I Have To Do That Day, Then I'm On The Right Track.

Looking Forward

There Is No I In Team, Unless You Count The Vertical Part Of The T.

There Is No I In Team

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Nothing Wise Was Ever Printed Upon An Apron.

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I Wanna Put Stickers On Turtles... I Don't Know Why.

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A Car Alarm Is A Way For A Car To Tell Everyone That Its Owner Is An Asshole.

Everything I Ever Learned I Was Told By Someone Else.

To Look Like You Are A Real Sports Fan, When There Is A Game On Tv Just Yell, Oh, Come On! Every Now And Then At The Tv.

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Sometimes It Looks Like I'm Dancing, But It's Just That I Walked Into A Spider Web.

If You Have A Lip Ring Try Hanging Some Tiny Keys From It. This Will Make You Look Even More Interesting.

My Family Was Fine, It's Just A Different Way Of Going About Life. Creativity Was Not Something That Was Isolated And Identified And Valued.

How Fast Does A Zebra Have To Run Before It Looks Gray.

A Mobile Home With A Flat Tire Is A Home.

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I Ordered A Wake-up Call The Other Day. The Phone Rang And A Woman's Voice Said, 'what The Hell Are You Doing With Your Life?'

Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

It Feels Like Every Day Or Two, People On Twitter And The Internet Are Outraged About Something.

Small Businesses Are Important, But So Are Tiny Businesses.

I Was In My Friends Garage, And He Had; A Kite, A Yo-yo, And A Boomerang. I Was Like "dude, You Have Abandonment Issues"

I Didn't Play Music, Nobody In My Family Had An Instrument Or Played Music, We Didn't Even Have Any Books At My House. I Think About It And I'm Like, I Don't Know How I Climbed Out Of There.

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I Went Whale Watching Once. It Was Very Similar To Watching People On A Boat Become Disappointed.

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The Shortest Feedback Loop I Can Think Of Is Doing Improvisation In Front Of An Audience.

It Is A Little Ironic That One Thing A Babysitter Should Not Do Is Sit On A Baby.

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If You Remove A Treehouse From A Tree, Than It's Just A Shitty House. Sometimes When I'm In A Shitty House, I Like To Imagine That It's In A Tree, Than It's Like Woah, This House Is Amazing.

It's Not The Size Of The Dog In The Fight, It's The Size Of The Dog's Owner - And The Distance You Are From Your Car.

I Wasn't Even A Big Comedy Nerd. A Lot Of The Comedians I Know - A Lot Of My Friends Are Comedians - They Knew A Lot About Comedy Growing Up.

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I Would Like To Have Windshield Wipers That Do The Whole Windshield, Please.

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I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks. By The Fourth Week, I Found It Tedious. I Got Bored And Grew Restless. I Had No Other Plan For A Job, Because From Seventh Grade On, I Had Planned On Law. So I Shifted My Focus From Classes To Extracurricular Activities.

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It's Thursday And It Really Feels Like A Thursday. Sometimes Things Just Work Out.

There Is A Small, But Important, Difference Between Peeing In The Pool, And Peeing Into The Pool.

Another Term For Balloon Is Bad Breath Holder.

Someday I Will Tell My Grandchildren That I Lived In The Era When Ok Was Abbreviated To K.

If You Have A Lair Then You Are Probably Not A Good Person.

I Thought I Would, You Know, Go To College, Get To Law School, Finish, And Then Get A Job And Work As A Lawyer, But That Proved To Be Not A Good Fit For Me.

If I Had To Pick One Artist To Tile My Bathroom I Would Go With Mc Escher.

When Telling A Story About How Wasted You Were Last Night, Stop.

There's An Old Russian Saying That Goes Some Way Or Another. I Don't Know It. I Don't Speak Russian. But Sometimes I Think About It And Wonder If It's Relevant To What I'm Going Through At The Time. Probably Not. I Mean What Do Russian Know About Hunger, Anyway?

I Have An Air Mattress. It's Great Because If Someone Tries To Suffocate Me In Bed I Can Just Poke A Hole In It And Use It To Stay Alive.

99.99% Of All Castles In America Are Located In Fish Tanks.

A Dreamcatcher Works, If Your Dream Is To Be Gay.

Sometimes I See A Bird Fly By And I Feel Jealous. But Then Other Times I See A Bird Fly Into A Closed Window And I Feel Laughing.

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When Someone Shows You A Picture Of Their Kids What They Don't Want To Hear Is Oh, Yeah, I Got Pictures Of Your Kid Too.

It's Weird The Way "finger Puppet" Sounds Okay As A Noun... Ladies.

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I Just Found Out That I Have More Allies Than America!

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I Was A Good Student When I Was A Kid, And I Did Everything I Was Supposed To Do, And I Got A's.

Drunken Behavior Will Not Be Tolerated, Except By Those Who Are Being Hilarious.

I'm A Producer On My Show, Which Is Great, But It's Also Kind Of A Mixed Blessing Because There's So Much Responsibility. Everything Is A Decision. You Have To Worry About The Money, You Have To Worry About Daylight, Who We're Going To Cast And If This Location Doesn't Work Out, What Are We Going To Do?

I Never Set Out To Do A Sketch Show.

I Like When People Wear A Wwjd Bracelet, Because It's Like An Example Of The First Thing Jesus Wouldn't Do, Probably.

Earrings Are The Same As Sneezes: Two Is Okay, But Ten In A Row Is Annoying. If You Have Two Then, God Bless You.

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I Think It Would Be Worse To Get Mauled By A Dancing Bear Than Just A Regular Bear Because You Can't Totally Blame The Dancing Bear.

I've Learned Something On The Road, Traveling Around: State Shapes. The Easier It Is To Draw The Shape Of The State, The Harder It Is To Live In That State. So, If You Live In A Regular Polygon, Get The Hell Outta There. You Gotta Move To A Squiggly Area. Culture's Attracted To Squiggles.

My Original Goal Was Just To Do Stand-up But Then I Became Interested In Films - Writing A Film, Shooting One Someday, And Getting To Act In Them.

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

I Was Seeing This Girl And She Wanted To Get More Serious. But I Wasn't Ready To, I Had Just Gotten Out Of A Difficult Relationship Before That. So I Said To Her, 'listen, You Have To Understand Something. Relationships Are Like Eyebrows. It's Better When There's A Space Between Them.' And That's Coming From A Greek Guy.

I Wanna Design A Video Game Where You'd Have To Take Care Of All The People Shot In All The Other Video Games.

Whenever I'm On My Computer, I Don't Type 'lol'. I Type 'lqtm' - Laugh Quietly To Myself. It's More Honest.

Turtles Are Greater Than Baby Nephews, Because It's Ok To Drop A Turtle.

The Best Way To Make Somebody Feel Important Is To Try To Assassinate Them.

I Think If I Pick The Right Thing To Spend My Time Doing, Then Time Moves Differently, Because I Really Can Get Fully Immersed In Things And Feel Very Alive And Challenged, But In A Good Way. I Feel A Sense Of Progress.

You Never Forget Your First Kiss. And That's What Makes It So Hard To Forgive My Uncle.

I Love Women, But I Feel Like You Can't Trust Some Of Them. Some Of Them Are Liars, You Know? Like I Was In The Park And I Met This Girl, She Was Cute And She Had A Dog. And I Went Up To Her, We Started Talking. She Told Me Her Dog's Name. Then I Said, 'does He Bite?' She Said, 'no.' And I Said, 'oh Yeah? Then How Does He Eat?' Liar.

A Wednesday With No Rain Is A Dry Hump Day.

To Make A Squirrel Look Less Uptight, Put Tiny Sunglasses On It.

Brought To You By Raising Your Voice. The Next Best Thing To Being Right.

If You Are Trying To Impress A Woman, Leave Any Sort Of Show Farting Out Of The Equation.

I Want To Make A Revolving Door That Says 'pull' On It, Just See How Obedient People Are.

Stand-up Is Like A Row Boat: It's Fun And Romantic When You're Choosing To Do It. But If You Have No Other Choice Than To Be In A Row Boat It's Not As Enjoyable; That's Survival.

When I Was In High School I Experimented Sexually. The Experiment Was To Never Have Sex With Anybody No Matter How Hard I Tried. Success! Hypothesis Confirmed.

I Think That When You Get Dressed In The Morning, Sometimes You're Really Making A Decision About Your Behavior For The Day. Like If You Put On Flipflops, You're Saying: 'hope I Don't Get Chased Today.' 'be Nice To People In Sneakers.'

A Couple Weeks Ago I Was On The Street And I Saw An Ugly Pregnant Lady, And I Just Thought, 'good For You.'

I Like Video Games, But They're Really Violent. I'd Like To Play A Video Game Where You Help The People Who Were Shot In All The Other Games. It'd Be Called 'really Busy Hospital.

I Wish I Lived Next To Carnegie Hall. Then, If Someone Asked Me How To Get To My House, I Would Just Say 'practice, Practice, Practice, And Then Take A Left.'

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