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There Will Be Consequences For This, He Thought. You Can't Alter Time And Not Be Affected. But Whatever The Consequences Are, I Will Bear Them, Because The Alternative Is Too Terrible. -artemis Fowl, The Lost Colony

-Eoin Colfer

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There Will Be Consequences

Eoin Colfer

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There Will Be Consequences For This, He Thought. You Can't Alter Time And Not Be Affected. But Whatever The Consequences Are, I Will Bear Them, Because The Alternative Is Too Terrible. -artemis Fowl, The Lost Colony

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I Am Unarmed. But Butler Here, My ...ah...butler, Has A Sig Saucer In His Shoulder Holster, Two Shrike-throwing Knives In His Boots, Aderringer Two-shot Up His Sleeve, Garrotte Wire In His Watch, And Three Stun Greanades Concealed In Variouse Pockets. Anything Else, Butler?

Together We Will Be Unstoppable.

No, Mademoiselle, I Would Not Like To See The Children's Menu. I Have No Doubt That The Children's Menu Itself Tastes Better Than The Meals On It. I Would Like To Order à La Carte. Or Don't You Serve Fish To Minors?

And One More Thing. About My Name — Artemis — You Were Right. In London, It Is Generally A Female Name, After The Greek Goddess Of Archery. But Every Now And Then A Male Comes Along With Such A Talent For Hunting That He Earns The Right To Use The Name. I Am That Male. Artemis The Hunter. I Hunted You.

Maybe I’ll Keep You.” Abbot Chuckled And Prodded Artemis’s Back With His Sword. “it’d Be Nice To Have A Pet Human Around. I Could Teach You Tricks.” “i Have A Trick For You,” Said Artemis, And He Fired A Single Blast From The Gun.

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A Cd. How Quaint. We Have These In Museums.

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Who Or What Inspires You?" "i Must Admit That I Often Read My Own Articles In Scientific Journals And Inspire Myself.

My Bugs Don't Have Bugs.

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"that Was Horrible. Horrible. That Poor Little Guy." Pex Was Unrepentant. "yeah, Well, He Asked For It. Calling Us... All Those Things." But Buried Alive?! That's Like In That Horror Movie. Y'know The One With All The Horror." "i Think I Saw That One. With All The Words Going Up On The Screen At The End?" "yeah, That Was It. Tell You The Truth, Those Words Kinda Ruined It For Me."

I Did What All Good Iriah Dads Do When Faced With A Worthy Adversary..i Said Ask Your Mother!!

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Artemis Fowl Grinned Right Back At Him And Pointed His Index Finger To The Sky... From The Tip Of This Finger Sprang A Small Blue Spark That Exploded Like A Tiny Firework. “i Know Magic Can Be Stolen,” Said Artemis. “because I Stole Some Myself.

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Butler Was Seeing The World As It Was, Complete With L.e.p Retrival Team

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You Display Inordinate Pride For Someone Who Has Completed A Task Which Could Have Been Performed By A Lesser Primate In A Shorter Time.

Boo-hoo. Help Me, I'm A Girl. What Kind Of Modern Woman Are You? A Smart One.

And It's Amazing How Much Noise People Ignoring Each Other Can Make.

You Know, Miss Holly, You Look Very Dramatic Like That, Backlit By The Fire. Very Attractive, If I May Say So. I Know You Shared A Moment Passionne With Artemis Which He Subsequently Fouled Up With His Typical Boorish Behavior. Let Me Just Throw Something Out There For You To Consider While We're Chasing The Probe: I Share Artemis's Passion But Not His Boorishness. No Pressure; Just Think About It. This Was Enough To Elicit A Deafening Moment Of Silence Even In The Middle Of A Crisis, Which Orion Seemed To Be Blissfully Unaffected By.

Artemis Fowl Will Never Be Secondary." "i Thought You Were Artemis Fowl The Second?" Said Holly.

Of Course. Opal Is Toying With Our Emotions For Her Own Gratification. Nothing More. She Wishes To Place Herself In A Position Of Power, Emotionally.

Position Of Power

Holly Clambered After Him, Struggling Up The Human-size Steps. "wait! Just Wait," She Called, Overtaking Artemis And Looking Him In The Eye From One Step Up. "i Know You, Artemis. You Like To Play Your Genius Card Close To Your Chest Until The Big Reveal. And That's Worked Out For Us So Far. But This Time You Need To Let Me In. I Can Help. So, Tell Me The Truth, Do You Have A Plan?" Artemis Met His Friend's Gaze And Lied To Her Face. "no," He Said. "no Plan.

There Will Be Consequences For This, He Thought. You Can't Alter Time And Not Be Affected. But Whatever The Consequences Are, I Will Bear Them, Because The Alternative Is Too Terrible. -artemis Fowl, The Lost Colony

Inside The Mirrored Elevator, Mulch Used A Telescopic Pointer To Push P For The Penthouse. For The First Few Months He Had Jumped To Reach The Button, But That Was Undignified Behavior For A Millionaire. And Besides, He Was Certain That Art Could Hear The Thumping From The Security Desk.

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Orion Brightened. "i Have An Idea." "yes?" Said Foaly, Daring To Hope That A Spark Of Artemis Remained. "why Don't We Look For Some Magic Stones That Can Grant Wishes? Or, If That Doesn't Work, You Could Search My Naked Body For Some Mysterious Birthmark That Means I Am Actually The Prince Of Somewhere Or Other.

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Orion Sniffed. "good. Then, Worthy Centaur, Perhaps You Could Give Me A Ride To The Village On Your Way Back. Then I Can Make A Few Pennies Wth My Verses While You Build Us A Shack And Perform Circus Tricks For Passersby." This Was Such A Surprising Statement That Foaly Briefly Considered Jumping Into The Hole To Get Away.

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Very Well. I Understand. Just ... Shut Up!

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Other Men Look Up And Down, Left And Right; But Men Like Us Are Different. We Are Visionaries.

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Certainly, Doctor. Let's Talk About Your Chair. Victorian?

No Alcohol, Riley." She Nodded At The Screen. "how Are You Liking The Twenty-first Century?" Riley Burped. "the Take That Are Most Melodic. And God Bless Harry Potter Is All I Can Say. If Not For Him, All Of London Would Have Been Consumed By The Dark Arts.

A Cloak Of Invisibility? This Is A Highly Sensitive Piece Of Field Equipment. What Does He Think? Some Warlock Pulled It Out Of His Armpit?

Ma Was Using Her For-company Voice. Sweet On The Outside But With An Underlying Death Threat.

Let Us Proceed Under The Assumption That The Fairy Folk Do Exist, And That I Am Not A Gibbering Moron.

Holly Frowned At Her. "glad To See You've Forgiven Yourself So Quickly." "harboring Feelings Of Guilt Can Have A Negative Affect On Mental Health." "child Geniuses," Growled Holly. "genii," Said Minerva.

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Hey, If You Can't Remember, Don't Worry About It. I'm Having A Few Memory Problems Myself In This Place. Little Things Like How Long I've Been Here, What My Purpose In Life Is, Which Feet To Put My Shoes On. Stuff Like That.

Look At Those Two. Wasting Time. You Wouldn't Catch Me Doing That.

Hilarious, Dude. You Should, Like, Have Your Own Show.

Artemis Looked At Holly And Felt A Tremendous Affection For Her... He Could Properly Appreciate How Fierce And Beautiful His Best Friend Was... She Is Truly Magical, Thought Artemis. Perhaps Her Qualities Are More Obvious To Me Now That I Have Decided To Sacrifice Myself.

I Often Meet Frustrated Young Writers Who Say They've Only Got So Far And Just Can't Finish A Book. Even If You Don't Happen To Use What You've Worked On That Day, It Has Taught You Something And You'll Be Amazed When You Might Come Back To It And Use It Again.

Listen To Me, Convict. I Have Not Traveled All This Way To Listen To Your War Stories. So Shut Your Trap Before I Shut It For You. Commander Julius Root

Why Can't I Solve This Problem By Killing Someone? She Though Petulantly, Then Comforted Herself With The Mantra That Had Kept Her Going In Prison: "soon All The Humans Will Be Dead," She Said, Droning In The Time-honored Fashion Of Gurus Everywhere. "and Then Opal Will Be Loved." And Even If I'm Not Loved, She Thought, At Least All The Humans Will Be Dead.

Killing Someone

Remember The Pain?' Thought Artemis. I Hate Myself. I Really Do.

A Genius. A Criminal Mastermind. A Millionaire. And He Is Only Twelve Years Old.

Genius Inspires Resentment. A Sad Fact Of Life.

Really, I'm Trying To Care, Artemis, Really. But I Thought It Was All Supposed To Be Over When The Fat Lady Sings. Well, She's Singing, But It Doesn't Appear To Be Over

We Get An Apartment Together, And After A Whirlwind Courtship You Marry My Sister And Honeymoon In Vegas.

"i Live For Agressive Action!" Thundered Orion Squeakily, Which Was Unusual. "oh, How I Pray That Dragon Will Turn Round That I May Smite It." "smite It With What?" Wondered Foaly. "your Secret Birthmark?" "don't You Mock My Birthmark, Which I May Or May Not Have.

Sometimes Plans Don't Translate Smoothly From Paper To Real Life.

The Humans Were Protecting Their Heritage, Or So They Thought. Strange That Mud Men Seem More Concerned About The Past Than The Present.

Excuse Me, Captain. Are You Two Going To Weep Salty Tears Of Admiration Over A Helmet All Night, Or Do We Have Matters To Discuss?

(text Message) Cmdr Root. Trble Below. Havn Ovrrn By Goblins. Plce Plaza Srrounded. Cudgeon + Opl Kboi Bhnd Plot. No Wpons Or Cmmunications. Dna Cnons Cntrlled By Kboi. I M Trpped In Op Bth. Cncl Thnks Im 2 Blm. If Alive Plse Hlp. If Not, Wrng Nmbr.

I Feel Like Alice Falling Into Wonderland. A Line Came To Him: It Would Be So Nice If Something Made Sense For A Change.

People Are Afraid Of You, Arty. Girls Are Terrified Of You. You’re A Fifteen-year-old In A Bespoke Suit, And Nobody Died.

How Was Your... Eh... Trip?" Artemis Felt The Sting Of Tears In His Own Eyes. "um, Eventful.

Artemis: "right, Brothers. Onward. Imagine Yourself Seated At A Cafe In Montmartre." Myles: "in Paris." Artemis: "yes, Paris. And Try As You Will, You Cannot Attract The Waiter's Attention. What Do You Do?" Beckett: "umm...tell Butler To Jump-jump-jump On His Head?" Myles: "i Agree With Simple-toon." Artemis: "no! You Simply Raise One Finger And Say Clearly 'ici, Garcon.'" Beckett: "itchy What?

Holly Died Without A Friend To Hold Her Hand. Artemis Felt Her Go, Another Gift Of The Magic. He Kept On Counting, Brushing Away The Tears On His Cheeks.

I Wear A Name Tag To Help People Find Me. It Saves Time When You're Dealing With Idiots.

Will You Miss Him Holly?” He Asked Suddenly. [...] “no,” She Said. “i Will Not Miss Him.” But Her Eyes Told The Real Story.

...hardly. A Ragged Apron Does Not A Waiter Make.

(about Dr. Po) Just Another Quack Spouting Psychobabble.

I Am Butler. Anything I Say Sounds Scary.

I Am Charging You With The Protection Of My Mother And Friends, Not To Mention Keeping My Younger Self Off The Internet. He Is As Dangerous As Opal.

When I Went To School, I Was Already Reading And Writing. In Fact, I Was Offended That The Other Kids Couldn't.

Waitress: "and To Drink?" Artemis: "spring Water. Irish, If You Have It. And No Ice, Please. As Your Ice Is No Doubt Made From Tap Water, Which Rather Defeats The Purpose Of Spring Water.

That’s What I Thought. When I Looked That Human In The Face. I Figured He Was Either A Genius Or Crazy.” Artemis’s Cool Eyes Glared At Them From The Screen. “so Which Is It?” Asked Foaly. “a Genius Or Crazy?” Root Grabbed His Tri-barreled Blaster From The Gun Rack. “what’s The Difference?

There Were Only Two Men On The Planet Better Educated In The Various Martial Arts Than Butler, And He Was Related To One Of Them. The Other Lived On An Island In The South China Sea, And Spent His Days Meditating And Beating Up Palm Trees. You Had To Feel Sorry For The B'wa Kell.

She Forces Me To Endure This Ridiculous Therapy, When The So-called Counselors Are Little Better Than Misguided Do-gooders With Degrees. -artemis Fowl

I Don't Suppose You Would Consider Peaceful Surrender?

When The Moment Comes, Will You Take Your Chance To Be A Hero?

If Koboi Defeats And Presumably Murders Us Both Then You Can Consider The Debt Null And Void.

Don't Try To Understand Me, Just Be Grateful That You Felt The Warmth Of Zaphod Beeblebrox's Aura On Your Wonderstruck Face.

Oh, I'm Crazy All Right. I Do Have Plenty Of Psychoses. Multiple Personality, Delusional Dementia, Ocd. I've Got Them All, But Most Of All, I'm Crazy About You.

Have You Ever Heard Of The Theory Of Relativity?" Artemis Blinked. "is This A Joke? I Have Traveled Through Time, Doctor. I Think I Know A Little Something About Relativity.

I'm Lep. A Captain. No Rent-a-cop Gnome Is Going To Stand In The Way Of My Orders.

Sounded Like Girls. Mixed Feelings On That Score. He Didn't Despise Them With The Same Passion He Used To. In Fact, Benny Suspected That There Would Come A Time In The Not-too-distant Future When He Might Develop A Mysterious Interest In Them.

Wait," Said Butler. "just Wait, Holly. Artemis Has A Plan." He Squinted Through The Green Dome. "what Is Your Plan, Artemis?" All Artemis Could Do Was Smile And Shrug.

Of Course I Saved You," She Said. "i Couldn't Do Without You." And Because She Was Happy And Flushed With Magic Holly Leaned Down And Kissed Artemis, Magic Sparking Around The Contact Like Tiny Fireworks.

We Lost The Crickets.

Foaly: Anyone See You Come In Here? Holly: The Fbi, Cia, Nsa, Dea, Mi6. Oh, And The Eib. Foaly: The Eib? Holly: (smirking) Everyone In The Building.

What's That Supposed To Mean? A Wolf's Head On A Stick. Big Wolf Barbecue Tonight? Bring Your Own Wolf?

The Name's Bond. James Omar Bond.

Humans Have A Saying That "beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder", Which Basically Means That If You Think It's Beautiful, Then It Is Beautiful. The Elfin Version Of This Saying Was Composed By The Great Poet B.o Selecta, Who Said "even The Plainest Of The Plain Shall Deign To Reign", Which Critics Have Always Thought Was A Bit Rhymey. The Dwarf Version Of This Maxim Is "if It Don't Stink, Marry It", Which Is Slightly Less Romantic, But The General Gist Is The Same.

It Took Teams Of Lep Warlocks To Slow Down Time For A Few Hours; The Magic Required To Open A Door To The Tunnel Was Stupendous. It Would Be Easier To Shoot Down The Moon. Opal Tapped This Into Her Notepad. Reminder. Shoot Down The Moon? Viable?

As A Child, Zaphod Had Been Diagnosed With Adhddaaadhd (ntm) Abt Which Stood For Always Dreaming His Dopey Days Away, Also Attention Deficit Hyperflactulance Disorder (not To Mention) A Bit Thick.

Knock Yourself Out... Or Rather, Don't.

Play Along, The Wink Said. I'll Get You Out Of This. At Least Artemis Hoped This Was What His Wink Communicated And Not Something Like 'any Chance Of Another Kiss Later?

Her Glare Was So Intense That You Completely Forgot She Was Wearing Pink.

The Thing About Reading Is That If You Are Hooked, You're Not Going To Stop Just Because One Series Is Over; You're Going To Go And Find Something Else.

A Metaphorical Weight Lifted From His Allegorical Chest And Artemis Fowl Felt Himself Again.

I Have To Tell You, Arty, A Screw Up This Early In The Proceedings Doesn't Exactly Fill Me With Confidence. I Hope You're As Clever As You Keep Telling Everyone You Are." "i Never Tell Anybody Exactly How Clever I Am. They Would Be Too Scared.

Now Before We Get Into Anything, Ladies, No Scratching, No Spitting And No Tattling To Mummy.

You Need To Stop Thinking With Your Head, Mud Boy, And Start Thinking With Your Heart.” Artemis Sighed. The Heart Was An Organ For Pumping Oxygen-rich Blood To The Cells. It Could No More Think Than An Apple Could Tap-dance.

That's The Last Order I'll Ever Give You Captain. Don't You Dare Ignore It.

Meg And Belch Only Had Eyes For Each Other. Not In The Usual Romantic Sense.

I Am Perhaps Unusual In That I Came To 'doctor Who' Through The Numerous Novelisations And Not Through The Television Show.

Everything Rests On The Poisoned Wine. If It Were Just The Queen, I Could Force It Down Her Gullet, But Declan Broekhart Would Run Me Through With That Damned Ceremonial Sword, And If His Wife's Stares Were Daggers, He'd Be Dead Already.

He Threw His Head Back And Sang, "'i Am A Centaur, Yes, A Centaur Is What I Am.' It's Not Like You To Wax, Artemis" "foaly Is Singing," Said Holly. "surely That's Illegal?

He Knew That Dr. Argon Would Advise Him Against Bottling Up His Emotions As It Would Lead To Psychological Scarring In The Long Term.

Artemis Felt Like He Was Six Again And Caught Hacking The School Computers Trying To Make The Test Questions Harder

I Don't Like Lollipops.

The Theory Of Evolution Has More Holes In It Than A Dam Made Out Of Swiss Cheese.

Theory Of Evolution

The Next Minute Or So Was Spent Howling On The Ceiling . Imp No.1 Joined In, But He Wasn't Really Feeling It. It Shouldn't Be "who Do We Hate?", He Thought, It Really Should Be "whom", But This Probably Wasn't A Good Time To Bring That Up.

Confidence Is Ignorance. If You're Feeling Cocky, It's Because There's Something You Don't Know.

Commander: What's That? Foaly: It's A Finger, What Does Look Like?

But Even Though There Were Plenty Of Teeth In The Grin, There Was No Heart.

Just What We Need," Moaned Holly. "artemis Fowl With Magical Powers.

Ah, My Princess. Noble Steed. How Does The Morning Find You Both?

They Have Gone. And The Tunnel Is About To Close. So, Boys, I Am Looking For Someone To Blame.

If You Were Me, Then I'd Be You, And If I Were You, Then I'd Hide Somewhere Far Away.

Anything Can Be Real. Every Imaginable Thing Is Happening Somewhere Along The Dimensional Axis. These Things Happen A Billion Times Over With Exactly The Same Outcome And No One Learns Anything. Whatever A Person Can Think, Imagine, Wish For, Or Believe Has Already Come To Pass. Dreams Come True All The Time, Just Not For The Dreamers.

Anything Else, Butler?" "the Cosh, Sir.

In My Experience, Boys Are Predictable. As Soon As They Think Of Something, They Do It. Girls Are Smarter—they Plan Ahead. They Think About Not Getting Caught.

Radomosity, Thought Artemis. And He Felt Like Weeping.

Trust Me. I'm A Genius.

I'm Right There With You, Darlin'. Unless You Step On A Landmine, In Which Case I'm Way Back In The Operations Room.

I Have A Lovely Office At The Back Of My House; It's An Old Stable And You Can See Right Out To The Countryside On One Side And Into The House On The Other Side.

There Is No Such Thing As A Happy Ending. Every Culture Has A Maxim That Makes This Point, While Nowhere In The Universe Is There A Single Gravestone That Reads 'he Loved Everything About His Life, Especially The Dying Bit At The End'.

Who Are You?" He Asked. I Am The Future Queen Of This World, At The Very Least. You May Refer To Me As Mistress Koboi For The Next Five Minutes. After That You May Refer To Me As Aaaaarrrrgh, Hold Your Throat, Die Screaming, And So On.

When You've Come Face-to-face With The Dark Side Of The School Yard, Life Doesn't Hold Many Surprises.

Look!" Said Foaly, Pointing With Some Urgency Into The Vast Steel-gray Gloom, "someone Who Cares!

We're Being Lead By An Idiot With A Crayon.

Everyone Says That I Have No Sense Of Humor, Then I Construct A Perfectly Sound Pun Around A Well-known Psychological Condition, And It Is Ignored.

Vinyaya Was Being Openly Antagonistic, And That Was An Emotion That Could Be Trusted, Unless Of Course It Was A Bluff And The Commander Was A Secret Fan Of His, Unless It Was A Double Bluff And She Really Did Feel Antagonistic.

...i Just Pulled A Pretty Big Job And Needed To Hide Out For Awhile." "...where's All The Loot?" "that, As My Cousin Nord Would Say, Is Where My Improvised Lie Falls Apart." Artemis Put Two And Two Together And Arrived At A Very Unpleasant Four. "you Were Here To Rob Me!" "no, I Wasn't. How Dare You?!

A Monkey Glances Up And Sees A Banana, And That's As Far As He Looks. A Visionary Looks Up And Sees The Moon.

If I Win, I'm A Prodigy. If I Lose, Then I'm Crazy. That's The Way History Is Written.

Ignorance, As They Say, Is Usually Fatal, But Sometimes It Can Be Bliss.

And I Will Not Be Beaten By That Jackass." "jackass?" Said Foaly, Wounded. "my Favorite Uncle Is A Jackass.

What Many People Don't Know About 'peter Pan' Is That It's A Very Violent Book And Hook Is One Of The Most Finely Observed Villains Ever.

He Took A Deep, Shuddering Breath. "okay. I Said It, It's Out There. And I Am Fine Now. So Let's Move On, Shall We? What's The Plan?

I Have No Time For Babbling Foolishness.” “don’t Be So Hasty,” Said Victor. “there’s Always Time For Babbling.

Now I Can Do The Bolts," She Slurred. "i've Been Trying To Focus Enough Magic All Week." The Magic Shifted And Swirled, Finally Etching A Picture In The Air. It Was A Rough Picture Of Foaly, And He Was Laughing. I Hate You, Centaur!" Screamed Opal, Lunging Toward, And Then Through, The Insubstantial Image. Her Eyes Rolled Back Into Her Head, And Then She Collapsed, Snoring, On The Floor. Artemis Straightened His Tie. Freud, He Was Certain, Would Have A Field Day With That.

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