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The Most Important Thing In Your Life Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And To Not Give In To Peer Pressure To Try To Be Something That You're Not.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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The Most Important Thing

Ellen DeGeneres

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The Most Important Thing In Your Life Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And To Not Give In To Peer Pressure To Try To Be Something That You're Not.

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The Most Important Thing In Your Life Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And To Not Give In To Peer Pressure To Try To Be Something That You're Not.

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Procrastination

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Funny Inspirational

Funny Motivational

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I Gotta Work Out. I Keep Saying It All The Time. I Keep Saying I Gotta Start Working Out. Its Been About Two Months Since I've Worked Out. And I Just Don't Have The Time. Which Uh..is Odd. Because I Have The Time To Go Out To Dinner. And Uh..and Watch Tv. And Get A Bone Density Test. And Uh.. Try To Figure Out What My Phone Number Spells In Words.

You Just Have To Keep Driving Down The Road. It's Going To Bend And Curve And You'll Speed Up And Slow Down, But The Road Keeps Going.

Driving Down The Road

People Love Their Animals So Much So That They Put Little Clothes On Them And Necklaces And Booties And Things Like That. And If You Love Your Animal, Then You Should Feed Them Something That's Not Dangerous For Them. There's A Lot Of Poisonous Stuff That They're Putting In A Lot Of That Food, Those By-products.

I Get My Dance Moves From Just Moving Around And Listening To Music And Not Really Worrying About If It's Perfect Or Not.

I'm Sure Men Have Their Own Ways Of Trying To Demean One Another, But Women Can Be Very Gossipy And Judgmental, And That Doesn't Help.

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I Don't Understand The Sizes Anymore. There's A Size Zero, Which I Didn't Even Know That They Had. It Must Stand For: 'ohhh My God, You're Thin.'

Then You Have These People In The Movie Theaters That Talk The Whole Time During The Movie. You Ever Go With Somebody Like That To A Movie But You Don't Realize Until You Get There That You're With Somebody Like That? Brand New Movie. First Day It's Open. You're There Together And The Entire Time They're Sitting There: Where's She Going? Why'd He Do That? Is He Mad At Her? I Don't Know, Let's Watch And Find Out Together Shall We? You Know Who You Are. You're Denying It Right Now: I Do Not Do That. Why Is She Saying That?. What's She Gonna Say Next?

No, We Can't Be Friends. You're My Mom. You're What I Talk To My Friends About.

I've Been Trying To Find Women Writers For My Staff For A While Now And I Have Three Women On My Staff And Three Guys So It's Pretty Equal. I Don't Know Why That Is. It's Been The Same Thing For A While. It's Hard For Female Comedians To Stand Out. That's Weird. That's A Shame.

Procrastination Isn't The Problem. It's The Solution. It's The Universe's Way Of Saying Stop, Slow Down, You Move Too Fast.

Procrastination

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Trying To Get The Talk Show, Looking Back On It, We Had To Beg A Lot Of Station Managers To Pick Up The Show Because People Thought No One Would Watch It Because I'm Openly Gay.

I Still Have The Shirt I Wore My First Time On Johnny Carson's Show. Only Now I Use It As A Tablecloth At Dinner Parties. It Was Very Blousy.

I Had No Intention Of Becoming A Comedian. I Just Wanted To Make People Happy. I Tried Everything-i Shucked Oysters, I Painted Houses, I Sold Vacuum Cleaners. But There Was Always A Voice Saying, You Should Be Doing Something Different. And It Was Usually My Boss And I Was Being Fired.

But Seriously, I Think Overall In The Scheme Of Things Winning An Emmy Is Not Important. Let's Get Our Priorities Straight. I Think We All Know What's Really Important In Life - Winning An Oscar.

I Get Home At The End Of The Day And I Don't Want To Talk. All I Want To Do Is Lay On The Floor And Pet My Dogs And My Cats.

Comedy Can Be, Especially In A Writer's Room, Really Aggressive, Kind Of A Very Male-dominated Room, And It Would Be Hard For Women. It's Not A Nurturing Place. It's Not Like A Lot Of Women Are Going To Say, I Can't Wait To Live That Lifestyle And Be In A Writer's Room Until 2 Or 3 A.m.

Please Raise Your Children With Love And Non-judgement. Tell Them Everyone Has The Right To Love Who They Want To Love. It Shouldn’t Threaten You Or Who You Are.

So, I Bought A New Cd And I Was Trying To Get It Open But Couldn't With All The Layers... I Mean Plastic And Then Tape, And The Tape Is Like Government Tape. It Says 'open Here.' Is That Sarcasm?

I Won't Have A Hard Time Being Brutally Honest. But I Won't Be Mean. You Don't Have To Be Mean To Be Honest.

The First Time Probably People Really Were Aware Of Me, I Unfortunately Had The Title Of Showtime's Funniest Person In America. And That's A Really Tough Title To Travel Around With When You're Not Even Known.

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So Many People Prefer To Live In Drama Because It's Comfortable. It's Like Someone Staying In A Bad Marriage Or Relationship - It's Actually Easier To Stay Because They Know What To Expect Every Day, Versus Leaving And Not Knowing What To Expect.

A Circus! 100 Clowns Of Injustice Have Climbed Out Of The Tiny Clown Car Of This Court Room.

There's Lotion For Your Face, For Your Hands, For Your Feet, For Your Body. Why? What Would Happen If You Put Hand Lotion On Your Feet? Would Your Feet Get Confused And Start Clapping? Each Kind Has Something Special In It - Aloe, Shea Butter, Coconut, Cocoa Butter, Vanilla, Lemon Extract. That's Not Lotion. That's One Ingredient Short Of A Bundt Cake.

Romance Often Begins By A Splashing Waterfall And Ends Over A Leaky Sink.

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I'm On The Patch Right Now. Where It Releases Small Dosages Of Approval Until I No Longer Crave It, And Then I'm Gonna Rip It Off.

I Used To Beat Myself Up About Weight And Working Out, And No Matter What I Did I Never Felt Good About Myself. I Decided To Accept Myself And Know That I Am Good.

The Good Psychic Would Pick Up The Phone Before It Rang. Of Course It Is Possible There Was Noone On The Other Line. Once She Said "god Bless You" I Said, "i Didn't Sneeze" She Looked Deep Into My Eyes And Said, "you Will, Eventually." And Damn It If She Wasn't Right. Two Days Later I Sneezed.

Being A Teenager And Figuring Out Who You Are Is Hard Enough Without Someone Attacking You.

The Definition Of Success Changes. Success Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And Not Give In To Peer Pressure To Be Something You're Not. Follow Your Passion, Stay True To Yourself, Never Follow Someone Else's Path; Unless You're In The Woods And You're Lost And You See A Path, Then By All Means, You Should Follow That.

I Never See The Glass Half Empty Because I Drink Out The Bottle

For A Long Time I Thought I Knew For Sure Who I Was. I Grew Up In New Orleans And Became A Comedian. And There Was Everything That Came Along With That. The Nightclubs. The Smoking. The Drinking. Then I Turned 13.

It's Funny How Cucumber Water Can Taste So Much Better Than Pickle Juice, Even Though They Come From The Same Source.

I Think There's Too Much Mult-tasking Going On. I Think People Need To Quiet Down And Focus And Be Still More.

Here's The Analogy. If My Body Were A Car, I'd Be Thinking About Trading It In Around Now. I Would Like To Upgrade. I Would Be Actually On The Lot Somewhere And Some Guy With A Loud Sports Jacket Would Be Sizing Me Up...kinda Lookin' Around Goin--maybe Kickin My Knees. Looking Behind Me Going: That Looks A Little Bashed In Back There...yeah. You Mind If I Check Under The Hood?" 'well Yes I Do! Thank You Very Much.

I Just Feel Like Every Kid Is Growing Up Too Fast And They're Seeing Too Much. Everything Is About Sex, And That's Fine For Me. I'm Not Saying I Don't Like It. But I Don't Think It Should Be Everywhere, Where Kids Are Exposed To Everything Sexual. Because They Have To Have Some Innocence; There's Just No Innocence Left.

Human Beings Only Use Ten Percent Of Their Brains. Ten Percent! Can You Imagine How Much We Could Accomplish If We Used The Other Sixty Percent?

If We Lose Our Phones, We Lose Our Phone Books. You Don't Memorize Numbers Anymore.

I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

The Legend Goes That St. Patrick Drove The Snakes Out Of Ireland. I Was Thinking... That Must Be Hard To Put All The Tiny Seatbelts On All The Snakes.

Most Comedy Is Based On Getting A Laugh At Somebody Else's Expense. And I Find That That's Just A Form Of Bullying In A Major Way. So I Want To Be An Example That You Can Be Funny And Be Kind, And Make People Laugh Without Hurting Somebody Else's Feelings.

Baloney Is Just Salami With An Inferiority Complex.

My Dog Of 17 Years Just Died. Oh You're Kidding?... Noooo... As Funny As That Is, I'm Not

It Was So Important For Me To Lose Everything, Because I Found Out What The Most Important Thing Is, Which Is To Be True To Yourself.

Be True To Yourself

Something Big Happened Over The Weekend. Something That Affects Everybody, All Over The World. George Clooney Got Married.

You Listen To Any Monologue On Late-night Tv Or Just In General, To People Talking, And There's Always A Joke At Someone's Expense. It's Sarcasm; It's Nasty. Kids Grow Up Hearing That, And They Think That's What Humor Is, And They Think It's Ok. But That Negativity Permeates The Entire Planet.

We Use Only 10% Of Our Brains... Imagine How Smart We Would Be If We Used The Other 60%!

Right Before I Decided To Come Out, I Went On A Spiritual Retreat Called 'changing The Inner Dialogue Of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd Never Been To Anything Like It Before, And All My Friends Were Taking Bets On How Long I'd Last With No Tv, No Radio, No Phone. But For Me That Was The Beginning Of Paying Attention To All The Little Things.

Things Will Get Easier, People's Minds Will Change, And You Should Be Alive To See It.

My Life Is Perfect Even When It's Not.

Friends Will Write Me Letters. They Run Out Of Room On The Front Of The Letter. They Write 'over' On The Bottom Of The Letter. Like I'm That Much Of A Moron. Like I Need That There. Because If It Wasn't There, I'd Get To The Bottom Of The Page: 'and So Kathy And I Went Shopping And We--' That's The Craziest Thing! I Don't Know Why She Would Just End It That Way.

Take A Nap In A Fireplace And You'll Sleep Like A Log.

Answers To Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One Time In High School. Three Times In My Twenties. Rocks No Salt. Yes. Four. Never. And How Dare You! I Will Take No Further Questions.

There Are “well-known Secrets” Out There And There Are People Who Are “so Happy They Could Die.” Sometimes People Are So Sad They Have To Laugh And Sometimes Things Feel So Wrong, They’re Right. Basically What I’m Saying Is, I Usually Don’t Know What People Are Talking About.

When People Show Me Clothing That Seems Very, Very Feminine, It's Hard For Me To Embrace That, Because It Just Doesn't Feel Like Me.

The Song 'if I Had A Hammer' Is Geared Toward People Who Don't Have A Hammer. Maybe Before I Had A Hammer I Thought I'd Hammer In The Morning And Hammer In The Evening. But Once You Get A Hammer, You Find You Don't Really Hammer As Much As You Thought You Would.

Have You Seen The Deer Heads On The Walls Of Bars, The Ones Wearing Party Hats, Sunglasses And Streamers? I Feel Sorry For Them Because Obviously They Were At A Party Having A Good Time.

I'm Going To Be Kind, Because Then It All Just Kind Of Spreads, And The World Is A Little Nicer Out There.

Some People Believe That To Find Happiness, You Should Live Each Day Of Your Life As If It's Your Last Because That Way You Will Appreciate Every Single Moment You Have. Other People Believe That You Should Live Each Day As If It's Your First Because Then Every Day Can Be The Beginning Of A New Journey.

I Still Get Scared At Night. Every Tiny Creak, Every Little Noise, I Open My Eyes Real Wide And Listen With Them. Have You Noticed That? When It’s Dark And You Can’t See A Thing, You Open Your Eyes Really Wide And Glance Back And Force, Like Your Eyes Become Your Ears?

I'm A - I'm A, Um, A Godmother Which Is Just, That's Fun To Be A Godmother, She Is So Precious, She's The Light Of My Life, She's Two... Or Five Or Something, And She's, Uh... I Don't Know, I've Never Seen Her - The Pictures Are Precious, She Just Seems So, Y'know... She Lives Clear Across Town, I Don't Have That Kind Of Time, But, Um... Well, I Send Money And Stuff, It's Not Like I Don't Have A Connection...

You Know How You Always Expect Someone To Think The Same As You And Then Your Like, Really Shocked When They Don't? Like When It's A Cold Day And You Turn To The Person Next To You And Say, 'its So Cold, Aren't You Cold?' And Then They Say 'no.' It's Kinda Like, 'what, Are You A Communist?'

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