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What Would Bug The Taliban More Than Seeing A Gay Woman In A Suit Surrounded By Jews?

-Ellen DeGeneres

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What Would Bug The

Ellen DeGeneres

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What Would Bug The Taliban More Than Seeing A Gay Woman In A Suit Surrounded By Jews?

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I Hate Having To Do Small Talk. I'd Rather Talk About Deep Subjects. I'd Rather Talk About Meditation, Or The World, Or The Trees Or Animals, Than Small, Inane, You Know, Banter.

I Think I Let Go Of The Need For Approval. It Certainly Feels Good When You Get It, But I Used To Be More Desperate For It. Once I Felt Better Inside About Myself... I Could Do Everything Based On How I Want To Do Things.

I Put A Basketball In Front Of George Clooney's Door And Sprayed It With Supermodel Perfume To Lure Him Out.

Yeah I'm Thirty-six, But On The Show I'm Thirty-two. Nobody Wants To Watch A Thirty-six Year Old Woman, So They Decided To Make Me Thirty-two. Much More Appealing Somehow.

...we Should Be Grateful For Them Because Without Our Family—the Ancestors We Descend From, The Cousins We See Once A Year, The Loves Our Lives We See Every Day—life Is Pretty Boring.

My Hair Is Always At Its Best In New York. I Don't Know What's In The Water. It Could Be Mousse.

It Makes A Big Difference In Your Life When You Stay Positive.

Contribute To The World. Help People. Help One Person. Help Someone Cross The Street Today. Help Someone With Directions Unless You Have A Terrible Sense Of Direction. Help Someone Who Is Trying To Help You. Just Help. Make An Impact. Show Someone You Care. Say Yes Instead Of No. Say Something Nice. Smile. Make Eye Contact. Hug. Kiss. Get Naked.

If We Don’t Want To Define Ourselves By Things As Superficial As Our Appearances, We’re Stuck With The Revolting Alternative Of Being Judged By Our Actions.

The Only Way A No-legged Leopard Could Hurt You Is If It Fell Out Of A Tree Onto Your Head.

The Sixties Were When Hallucinogenic Drugs Were Really, Really Big. And I Don't Think It's A Coincidence That We Had The Type Of Shows We Had Then, Like The Flying Nun.

For A Long Time I Thought I Knew For Sure Who I Was. I Grew Up In New Orleans And Became A Comedian. And There Was Everything That Came Along With That. The Nightclubs. The Smoking. The Drinking. Then I Turned 13.

I Feel Like I Have A Hangover, Without All The Happy Memories And Mystery Bruises.

I'm A Godmother, That's A Great Thing To Be, A Godmother. She Calls Me God For Short, That's Cute, I Taught Her That.

You Should Never Assume. You Know What Happens When You Assume. You Make An Ass Out Of You And Me Because That's How It's Spelled.

[airline Food] Is The Tiniest Food I've Ever Seen In My Entire Life. Any Kind Of Meat That You Get - Chicken, Steak, Anything - Has Grill Marks On Each Side, Like Somehow We'll Actually Believe There's An Open-flame Grill In The Front Of The Plane.

I Would Love For The World To Be Happier.

You Know, If You're Going To Be Honest With Yourself, You Have To Admit That You Go Into Show Business Wanting People To Talk About You And Wanting Everyone To Know Who You Are. But That Also Means There Are Going To Be A Whole Bunch Of People Who Don't Like You. No Matter Who You Are. I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

I Love Clothes, So When I Wear Clothes, They're Usually Somebody's. You Know, I'm Not Wearing Kmart.

I Don't Really Ever Live My Life In Fear. I Really Live My Life In Gratitude And Feeling Positive For The Most Part.

I Think There's A Whole Bunch Of Things That Go Along With Being A Girl. You're Not Supposed To Have Opinions Or Be Tough Or Strong. You're Supposed To Be Soft And Vulnerable, And I Find Those Qualities Important In Both Men And Women.

My Name Is Ellen And I'm A Vegetarian. Just To Add Another Label To Me: I Am A Lesbian, Aquarian And Vegetarian. I've Said It.

I Always Like Using Different Muscles, You Can Take That However You Want. But Doing Something Once A Year Is Fantastic, I Highly Recommended It If You Can Do It. It's A Wonderful Thing, It's Very Freeing And I Can Put A Lot Of Energy And Attention Onto It And It's Something I Love Doing.

I Care Passionately About Equal Rights [and] Animal Rights.

People Give Me Such A Hard Time Because I Don't Wear Dresses. What's That Got To Do With Anything?

So, I Bought A New Cd And I Was Trying To Get It Open But Couldn't With All The Layers... I Mean Plastic And Then Tape, And The Tape Is Like Government Tape. It Says 'open Here.' Is That Sarcasm?

I Have The Picture Of Barack [obama] And Me Dancing Right Outside Of My Dressing Room Door, I See It Every Single Day, And It Makes Me Very Happy.

There's Lotion For Your Face, For Your Hands, For Your Feet, For Your Body. Why? What Would Happen If You Put Hand Lotion On Your Feet? Would Your Feet Get Confused And Start Clapping? Each Kind Has Something Special In It - Aloe, Shea Butter, Coconut, Cocoa Butter, Vanilla, Lemon Extract. That's Not Lotion. That's One Ingredient Short Of A Bundt Cake.

I Think Gender Plays A Part In Most Things, But I Don't Know How It Would Be Different Because I've Never Been A Man. And My Fame Is Different From Nicole Kidman's Or Sharon Stone's. I Think Everybody's Fame Is Different.

Emote. It's Okay. It Shows You Are Thinking And Feeling.

I Know There's Always Going To Be Feedback No Matter What The Subject. I Am Shocked By Somebody Commenting On My Shoes Or My Clothes. Everyone Has An Opinion, Everyone Is Logging About Everything And Has An Opinion. So I Can't Possibly Pay Attention To That.

While I Was Doing Stand-up, I Thought I Knew For Sure That Success Meant Getting Everyone To Like Me. So I Became Whoever I Thought People Wanted Me To Be. I'd Say Yes When I Wanted To Say No, And I Even Wore A Few Dresses.

The Good Psychic Would Pick Up The Phone Before It Rang. Of Course It Is Possible There Was Noone On The Other Line. Once She Said "god Bless You" I Said, "i Didn't Sneeze" She Looked Deep Into My Eyes And Said, "you Will, Eventually." And Damn It If She Wasn't Right. Two Days Later I Sneezed.

So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You're A Serial Killer.

And The Bottom Line Is We Are Who We Are-we Look A Certain Way, We Talk A Certain Way, We Walk A Certain Way. I Strut Because I’m A Supermodel, And Sometimes I Gallop For Fun. When We Learn To Accept That, Other People Learn To Accept Us. So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You’re A Serial Killer.

I Get Those Fleeting, Beautiful Moments Of Inner Peace And Stillness - And Then The Other 23 Hours And 45 Minutes Of The Day, I'm A Human Trying To Make It Through In This World.

Hosting The Emmys Is A Challenge For Me. I Guess It's The Equivalent Of Someone Who Needs To Climb A Mountain Or Jump Out Of A Plane. It's That Kind Of Thing, Where This Could Go Terribly Wrong. And I Love The Feeling Of When It Goes Right.

Even Before I Knew I Was Gay, I Knew I Didn't Want To Have A Child. I Knew I Didn't Want To Have One. I Never Want To Have To Release It From Me. Listen, I Love Babies. I Love Children. And I Melt When I'm Around Them. I Also Love My Freedom And I Love That I Can Sleep At Night.

You Say You're Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me? I've Got News For You: I'm Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me.

It's Funny How Cucumber Water Can Taste So Much Better Than Pickle Juice, Even Though They Come From The Same Source.

My Dream Guests Are Really Not So Much Celebrities. They're People Who Are Actually Interesting And They're Doing Something Interesting With Their Lives Or Had An Interesting Experience In Some Way. I Really Enjoy Talking To Regular, Everyday People.

I Had A Really Tough Time For A Few Years. My Show Was Gone. My Phone Wasn't Ringing. There Wasn't One Job Offer. And At That Point, I Thought I Knew For Sure That I Wouldn't Work In Hollywood Again.

Sometimes Something Being Taken Away From You Is Exactly What You Need To Take A Look At Yourself.

Procrastination Isn't The Problem. It's The Solution. It's The Universe's Way Of Saying Stop, Slow Down, You Move Too Fast.

Procrastination

A Circus! 100 Clowns Of Injustice Have Climbed Out Of The Tiny Clown Car Of This Court Room.

True Beauty Is Not Related To What Color Your Hair Is Or What Color Your Eyes Are. True Beauty Is About Who You Are As A Human Being, Your Principles, Your Moral Compass.

I Appreciate Your Giving My Book -- And In No Small Way, Me -- A Chance. To Thank You, I Really Wanted To Acknowledge All Of You In The Book. Unfortunately, I Didn't Have Enough Room For Each Name. So I've Put In A Code Name That Stands For All Of You Reading This Book. The Name Is 'mom.' It Will Be Our Little Secret. So When You See 'mom' In The Acknowledgments, You'll Know I'm Really Talking About You. And Don't Let My Mother Try To Tell You Otherwise.

And Now I've Got To Explain The Smell That Was In There Before I Went In There. Does That Ever Happen To You? It's Not Your Fault. You've Held Your Breath, You Just Wanna Get Out, And Now You Open The Door And You Have To Explain, 'oh! Listen, There's An Odor In There And I Didn't Do It. It's Bad.

Here's The Analogy. If My Body Were A Car, I'd Be Thinking About Trading It In Around Now. I Would Like To Upgrade. I Would Be Actually On The Lot Somewhere And Some Guy With A Loud Sports Jacket Would Be Sizing Me Up...kinda Lookin' Around Goin--maybe Kickin My Knees. Looking Behind Me Going: That Looks A Little Bashed In Back There...yeah. You Mind If I Check Under The Hood?" 'well Yes I Do! Thank You Very Much.

I Do Like Men And I Had, You Know, A Guy In High School That I Wanted To Marry Desperately. He's The Mayor Of Some Small Town In Texas. I Could Be The Mayor's Wife Right Now.

When The Message Out There Is So Horrible That, To Be Gay, You Can Get Killed For It... We Need To Change The Message!!

I Get To Do Stand-up Every Single Day. I Love That Live Energy Exchange Between The Audience And Myself, And To Get To Say The Things I Want To Say And Comment On.

I Don't Know Who Had The Bright Idea Of Teaching Pneumonia How To Walk, But I'd Like To Find That Dunderhead Before He Decides He Wants To Teach It How To Drive.

Some Of The Most Devastating Things That Happen To You Will Teach You The Most

I Don't Understand The Sizes Anymore. There's A Size Zero, Which I Didn't Even Know That They Had. It Must Stand For: 'ohhh My God, You're Thin.'

I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things. You're Supposed To Laugh, You're Supposed To Cry, You're Not Supposed To Shove Your Feelings Under The Rug.

Be Open To Learning New Lessons, Even If They Contradict The Lessons You Learned Yesterday.

Just Go Up To Somebody On The Street And Say 'you're It!' And Then Run Away.

If There Weren't Blacks, Jews And Gays, There Would No Oscars. Or Anyone Named Oscar, If You Think About That.

Some People Believe That To Find Happiness, You Should Live Each Day Of Your Life As If It's Your Last Because That Way You Will Appreciate Every Single Moment You Have. Other People Believe That You Should Live Each Day As If It's Your First Because Then Every Day Can Be The Beginning Of A New Journey.

You Listen To Any Monologue On Late-night Tv Or Just In General, To People Talking, And There's Always A Joke At Someone's Expense. It's Sarcasm; It's Nasty. Kids Grow Up Hearing That, And They Think That's What Humor Is, And They Think It's Ok. But That Negativity Permeates The Entire Planet.

I Don't Consider Myself An Interviewer As Much As An Entertainer.

The Song 'if I Had A Hammer' Is Geared Toward People Who Don't Have A Hammer. Maybe Before I Had A Hammer I Thought I'd Hammer In The Morning And Hammer In The Evening. But Once You Get A Hammer, You Find You Don't Really Hammer As Much As You Thought You Would.

You Know That Song That Asks, "why Do Fools Fall In Love?"? I Think The Obvious Answer Is Because They're Fools.

Falling In Love

I’d Like To Be More Patient! I Just Want Everything Now. I’ve Tried To Meditate, But It’s Really Hard For Me To Stay Still. I’d Like To Try To Force Myself To Do It, Because Everybody Says How Wonderful Meditation Is For You, But I Can’t Shut My Mind Up. So Patience And Learning Is The Key.

When We Were Growing Up Our Parents Somehow Made It Clear That Being Famous Was Good. And I Mistakenly Thought That If I Was Famous Then Everyone Would Love Me.

Why Is It That When You Wipe Up Dust Its Called Dusting But When You Wipe Up A Spill Its Not Called Spilling? Just Something To Think About.

The Word "yoga" Literally Means "uniting", Because When You're Doing It You Are Uniting Your Mind And Your Body. You Can Tell This Almost Immediately Because Your Mind Will Be Thinking, "ouch, That Hurts," And Your Body Will Say, "i Know." And Your Mind Will Think, "you Have To Get Out Of This Position." And Your Body Will Say, "i Agree With You, But I Can't Right Now. I Think I'm Stuck.

Right Before I Decided To Come Out, I Went On A Spiritual Retreat Called 'changing The Inner Dialogue Of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd Never Been To Anything Like It Before, And All My Friends Were Taking Bets On How Long I'd Last With No Tv, No Radio, No Phone. But For Me That Was The Beginning Of Paying Attention To All The Little Things.

Beauty Isn’t Between A Size Zero And A Size Eight, It Is Not A Number At All. It Is Not Physical.

That's What Life Is All About. There's A Lot Of Crying. So You'd Better Cry Now And Get Used To It.

Be Kind To One Another. Bye, Bye.

I'm On The Patch Right Now. Where It Releases Small Dosages Of Approval Until I No Longer Crave It, And Then I'm Gonna Rip It Off.

I'm A Fan Of People Getting Together.

The World Is Full Of A Lot Of Fear And A Lot Of Negativity, And A Lot Of Judgment. I Just Think People Need To Start Shifting Into Joy And Happiness. As Corny As It Sounds, We Need To Make A Shift.

Here Are The Values That I Stand For: Honesty, Equality, Kindness, Compassion, Treating People The Way You Want To Be Treated And Helping Those In Need. To Me, Those Are Traditional Values.

All Of My Friends Were Seeing A Therapist, And I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me That I Didn't See A Therapist. So I Went To A Therapist To Find Out Why I Wasn't Seeing A Therapist. And It Turns Out I'm Very Screwed Up. Thank God I Found A Therapist To Tell Me For $125 An Hour.

I Don't Know What People Are Scared Of...maybe They Think Their Children Will Be Influenced By Gay Marriage, But I've Got To Tell You, I Was Raised By Two Heterosexuals. Everywhere I Looked - Heterosexuals. And They Did Not Influence Me. It's Time We Love People For Who They Are And Let Them Love Who They Want.

We're Told To Go On Living Our Lives As Usual, Because To Do Otherwise Is To Let The Terrorists Win, And Really, What Would Upset The Taliban More Than A Gay Woman Wearing A Suit In Front Of A Room Full Of Jews?

I Think There's Too Much Mult-tasking Going On. I Think People Need To Quiet Down And Focus And Be Still More.

It Always Helps To Think About Other People Instead Of Ourselves.

I'm So Unfamiliar With The Gym, I Call It James!

You Just Have To Keep Driving Down The Road. It's Going To Bend And Curve And You'll Speed Up And Slow Down, But The Road Keeps Going.

Driving Down The Road

Why Can't Rappers Just Say Nice Things? Like I Wanna Take Your Clothes Off And Hang Them Up In The Closet Real Nice.

When People Show Me Clothing That Seems Very, Very Feminine, It's Hard For Me To Embrace That, Because It Just Doesn't Feel Like Me.

There Is Something About Tm. It Is The Only Time I Have That Stillness... It Gives Me This Peaceful Feeling-i Just Love It So Much.

Have You Ever Heard Somebody Sing Some Lyrics That You've Never Sung Before, And You Realize You've Never Sung The Right Words In That Song? You Hear Them And All Of A Sudden You Say To Yourself, 'life In The Fast Lane?' That's What They're Saying Right There? You Think, 'why Have I Been Singing 'wipe In The Vaseline?' How Many People Have Heard Me Sing 'wipe In The Vaseline?' I Am An Idiot.

The First Time Probably People Really Were Aware Of Me, I Unfortunately Had The Title Of Showtime's Funniest Person In America. And That's A Really Tough Title To Travel Around With When You're Not Even Known.

It's Just, You Can Get Very Complacent If You Do The Same Thing All The Time And Especially The Comedian, It Gives Me You Know Different Things To React To And Respond To, And It Stimulates Me.

I Used To Beat Myself Up About Weight And Working Out, And No Matter What I Did I Never Felt Good About Myself. I Decided To Accept Myself And Know That I Am Good.

When There's Time For Whistling, There's A Lot Of Time On A Show.

I Was In Yoga The Other Day. I Was In Full Lotus Position. My Chakras Were All Aligned. My Mind Is Cleared Of All Clatter And I'm Looking Out Of My Third Eye And Everything That I'm Supposed To Be Doing. It's Amazing What Comes Up, When You Sit In That Silence. "mama Keeps Whites Bright Like The Sunlight, Mama's Got The Magic Of Clorox 2."

I Never See The Glass Half Empty Because I Drink Out The Bottle

Sometimes When I Am Driving I Get So Angry At Inconsiderate Drivers That I Want To Scream At Them. But Then I Remember How Insignificant That Is, And I Thank God That I Have A Car And My Health And Gas. That Was Phrased Wrong-normally You Wouldn't Say, Thank God I Have Gas.

We Stock Up On Popcorn And Candy Like We're Crossing The Sierras, Don't We? I'll Have A Couple Of Soft Pretzels, A Hot Dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is That The Largest Popcorn You've Got There, That Bucket? You Don't Have A Barrel Or Anything Like That? Do You Have A Donkey Or A Pack Mule Or Anything? - Oh, And A Diet Coke.

Really, He Called Me That? Ellen Degenerate? I've Been Getting That Since Fourth Grade. I Guess I'm Happy I Could Give Him Work.

Friends Will Write Me Letters. They Run Out Of Room On The Front Of The Letter. They Write 'over' On The Bottom Of The Letter. Like I'm That Much Of A Moron. Like I Need That There. Because If It Wasn't There, I'd Get To The Bottom Of The Page: 'and So Kathy And I Went Shopping And We--' That's The Craziest Thing! I Don't Know Why She Would Just End It That Way.

You Know How You Always Expect Someone To Think The Same As You And Then Your Like, Really Shocked When They Don't? Like When It's A Cold Day And You Turn To The Person Next To You And Say, 'its So Cold, Aren't You Cold?' And Then They Say 'no.' It's Kinda Like, 'what, Are You A Communist?'

There Are All Sorts Of Books Offering Advice On How To Deal With Life-threatening Situations, But Where's The Advice On Dealing With Embarrassing Ones?

I Hope I Make People Feel Better. I Hope I Take People Out Of Their Situations A Little Bit And Make Them Happier. That's Really Why I Do What I Do.

I Want People To Like Me - But Not At My Expense. I Just Learned That There Are Too Many People Who Are Going To Have An Opinion About Me Whether I Am Kind To Them Or Not. I Can't Control What They're Feeling. I Am Not A Yeller And I Don't Have A Temper, But I Do Want People To Do Their Best. And If Someone Is A Friend And I See That They're Doing Stuff That Is Not Helping Them Grow, I Will Make It A Point To Talk To Them About It.

If You're In A Position Where You Can Help Other People, There Is Nothing Better In Life Than Helping Other People. Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving

I Had No Intention Of Becoming A Comedian. I Just Wanted To Make People Happy. I Tried Everything-i Shucked Oysters, I Painted Houses, I Sold Vacuum Cleaners. But There Was Always A Voice Saying, You Should Be Doing Something Different. And It Was Usually My Boss And I Was Being Fired.

Most Comedy Is Based On Getting A Laugh At Somebody Else's Expense. And I Find That That's Just A Form Of Bullying In A Major Way. So I Want To Be An Example That You Can Be Funny And Be Kind, And Make People Laugh Without Hurting Somebody Else's Feelings.

If We're Destroying Our Trees And Destroying Our Environment And Hurting Animals And Hurting One Another And All That Stuff, There's Got To Be A Very Powerful Energy To Fight That. I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

The Only Thing I Really Recommend, If You're Starting Out In Stand-up Is To Not Try To Copy Anybody Else. You Can Be Influenced By People. I Was Influenced By Steve Martin And Bob Newhart And Woody Allen, But I Never Tried To Be Someone Else. I Always Tried To Be Myself. And The Reason People Are Successful Is They're Unique.

What You Look Like On The Outside Is Not What Makes You Cool At All. I Mean, I Had A Mullet And Wore Parachute Pants For A Long, Long Time, And I'm Doin' Okay.

The Legend Goes That St. Patrick Drove The Snakes Out Of Ireland. I Was Thinking... That Must Be Hard To Put All The Tiny Seatbelts On All The Snakes.

Stuffed Deer Heads On Walls Are Bad Enough, But It’s Worse When You See Them Wearing Dark Glasses, Having Streamers Around Their Necks And A Hat On Their Antlers. Because Then You Know They Were Enjoying Themselves At A Party When They Were Shot.

Have You Ever Thought About Toothpaste? Ellen Has! And She Makes A Point About All Of The Types Of Toothpaste That Colgate Offers!

We Have Two Dogs, Mabel And Wolf, And Three Cats At Home, Charlie, George And Chairman. We Have Two Cats On Our Farm, Tom And Little Sister, Two Horses, And Two Mini Horses, Hannah And Tricky. We Also Have Two Cows, Holy And Madonna. And Those Are Only The Animals We Let Sleep In Our Bed.

I Believe One Day A 'ban On Gay Marriage' Will Sound Totally Ridiculous. In The Meantime, I Will Continue To Speak Out For Equality For All Of Us.

I Get Paid Very Well For An Amazing, Amazing Life. I'm Blessed.

If We Lose Our Phones, We Lose Our Phone Books. You Don't Memorize Numbers Anymore.

Standup Is More Me Talking The Entire Time. There's Definitely An Exchange Of Energy Because That Room, That Audience, Is Giving Back.

There's No One Way To Dance. And That's Kind Of My Philosophy About Everything.

First Of All, I Don't Think They Have To Go That High. That Is Not Necessary, To Be That High In The Air. I Think They're Showing Off, Those Pilots. I Think We Could Just Go Really Fast Just A Few Feet Off The Ground. Just High Enough To Miss The Animals.

It's So Much Better For Me To Do A Talk Show. You Still Have That Energy Of The Audience, And The Audience Is Just As Important As That Guest That's Sitting Next To Me. It's Not About Me And That Guest Exchanging Energy And Talking. It's About Everything That's Going On In That Room, And They're As Much A Part Of The Show As Anything. I Like This Better Than Anything I've Ever Done.

Some Celebrities, It's Interesting, Because They're Fantastic Playing A Character When Somebody Is Writing The Lines For Them, And They're Amazing Actors, But They're Not As Comfortable On Television In Front Of A Live Audience And Just Having A Conversation And Being Themselves.

I Enjoy Growing Older And Wiser And Learning From My Mistakes Every Single Day.

There's Always Time To Do Things That You're Passionate About. ... If My Name Helps Get Something Out There That I Believe In Then I Am Going To Produce It. ... Design Is Really My True Love.

No Matter How Popular You Are As A Stand-up - You Can Go Out And Fill A 10,000-seat Arena And Be Smart And Funny - It's Delicate To Host An Awards Show And Know Where Your Place Is And Know That It's Not About You, That It's About The People Who Are Nominated, And Respect That, But At The Same Time Have Your Moment To Show Them Who You Are.

I Think The Hard Thing About This Job [stand-up] I Mean, I Think This Part Is Great But That The Traveling Is Y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm Gone A Lot From Home And This Time I'm Out For Three-and-a-half Weeks Without Going Home, And That's Hard, To Be Gone Three-and-a-half Weeks 'cause Then I Have To Ask My Friends, "would You Mind Going To The House And Watering The Plants, And Turn Some Lights On And Make It Look Like Somebody's Home, And Make Sure That The Mobile Over The Crib Isn't Tangled Or The Baby's Gonna Get Bored.

I Think Beauty Comes From Actually Knowing Who You Are. That's Real Beauty To Me.

Knowing Who You Are

I Don't Pay Attention To The Number Of Birthdays. It's Weird When I Say I'm 53. It Just Is Crazy That I'm 53. I Think I'm Very Immature. I Feel Like A Kid. That's Why My Back Goes Out All The Time, Because I Completely Forget I Can't Do Certain Things Anymore - Like Doing The Plank For 10 Minutes.

But Seriously, I Think Overall In The Scheme Of Things Winning An Emmy Is Not Important. Let's Get Our Priorities Straight. I Think We All Know What's Really Important In Life - Winning An Oscar.

Above All, I Strive To Be The Best I Can - To Be Better Than I Was Yesterday And Better Tomorrow.

Have You Seen The Deer Heads On The Walls Of Bars, The Ones Wearing Party Hats, Sunglasses And Streamers? I Feel Sorry For Them Because Obviously They Were At A Party Having A Good Time.

I'm Going To Be Kind, Because Then It All Just Kind Of Spreads, And The World Is A Little Nicer Out There.

People Are Constantly Asking Portia And Me If We Are Going To Have Children. We Thought About It. We Love To Be Around Children After They've Been Fed And Bathed. But We Ultimately Decided That We Don't Want Children Of Our Own. There Is Far Too Much Glass In Our House.

All We Have Is Here And Now. That's Why Procrastination Feels So Right. Procrastination Isn't The Problem, It's The Solution.

Procrastination

What Would Bug The Taliban More Than Seeing A Gay Woman In A Suit Surrounded By Jews?

You Know Me. Any Excuse To Put On A Dress.

When I Decided To Have My Character On The Show Come Out, I Knew I Was Going To Have To Come Out, Too. I Never Wanted To Be The Lesbian Actress. I Never Wanted To Be The Spokesperson For The Gay Community. Ever. I Did It For My Own Truth.

When You Take Risks You Learn That There Will Be Times When You Succeed And There Will Be Times When You Fail, And Both Are Equally Important. It's Hard To Understand Failure When You're Going Through It, But In The Grand Scheme Of Things It's Good To Fall Down - Not Because You're Drunk And Not Near Stairs.

What Goes Up Must Come Down, Which Is Why I Don't Wear Tube Tops.

In The Beginning There Was Nothing. God Said, 'let There Be Light!' And There Was Light. There Was Still Nothing, But You Could See It A Whole Lot Better.

I Think They Should Have A Barbie With A Buzz Cut.

The Problem With Labels Is That They Lead To Stereotypes And Stereotypes Lead To Generalizations And Generalizations Lead To Assumptions And Assumptions Lead Back To Stereotypes. It’s A Vicious Cycle, And After You Go Around And Around A Bunch Of Times You End Up Believing That All Vegans Only Eat Cabbage And All Gay People Love Musicals.

I Have A Great Career, And I Have Wonderful Fans Who Really Are Supportive And Loyal - Because I'm Not Hiding Anything From Them.

We're Just Trying To Find Happiness In The Bodies And Minds We Were Given, Like Everyone Else.

Finding Happiness

If Anybody Could Put Themselves In That Situation Of Feeling A Giant Loud Voice Saying You Don't Deserve The Same Rights, You Are Different And You Are Not Equal, It Feels Really Bad.

You Have To Have Funny Faces And Words, You Can't Just Have Words. It Is A Powerful Thing, And I Think That's Why It's Hard For People To Imagine That Women Can Do That, Be That Powerful.

For Me, It's That I Contributed, ... That I'm On This Planet Doing Some Good And Making People Happy. That's To Me The Most Important Thing, That My Hour Of Television Is Positive And Upbeat And An Antidote For All The Negative Stuff Going On In Life.

Now We Have Hands-free Phones, So You Can Focus On The Thing You're Really Supposed To Be Doing. Chances Are, If You Need Both Of Your Hands To Do Something, Your Brain Should Be In On It Too.

The Reason I Do What I Do Is Because I Was Influenced By Steve Martin, By Woody Allen, By Bob Newhart, By Carol Burnett, By Lucille Ball.

My Life Is Perfect Even When It's Not.

I Know That Every Time I List Something That I Am, I Am Potentially Alienating A Whole Group Of People. Publicists And Managers Will Encourage You Not To Say What Political Party You Belong To, What You Eat, What You Don't Eat, Who You Sleep With And All That Stuff.

Life Is Short. If You Doubt Me, Ask A Butterfly. Their Average Life Span Is A Mere Five To Fourteen Days.

I Work Really Hard At Trying To See The Big Picture And Not Getting Stuck In Ego. I Believe We're All Put On This Planet For A Purpose, And We All Have A Different Purpose... When You Connect With That Love And That Compassion, That's When Everything Unfolds.

Sometimes You Can't See Yourself Clearly Until You See Yourself Through The Eyes Of Others.

I'm Sure Men Have Their Own Ways Of Trying To Demean One Another, But Women Can Be Very Gossipy And Judgmental, And That Doesn't Help.

There Are People Out There Hiding All Kinds Of Things. People Who Have All This Success And All This Fame And All This Money, And Yet There Are Secrets That They Think If We Found Out About, It Would Be Over For Them. And It's A Horrible Way To Live Whether You're Famous Or Not.

I Cannot Believe They Haven't Yet Come Up With A Better Screening Process Than The Mammogram. If A Man Had To Put His Special Parts Inside A Clamp To Test Him For Anything, I Think They Would Come Up With A New Plan Before The Doctor Finished Saying, "put That Thing There So I Can Crush It.

I Do It Because I Love Animals And I Saw The Reality. And I Just Couldn't Ignore It Anymore. I'm Healthier For It, I'm Happier For It. I Can't Imagine That If You're Putting Something In Your Body That Is Filled With Fear Or Anxiety Or Pain, That That Isn't Somehow Going To Be Inside Of You.

My Dog Of 17 Years Just Died. Oh You're Kidding?... Noooo... As Funny As That Is, I'm Not

We Can Sit And Worry About What's Going To Happen To Us Two Weeks From Now. I'd Rather Focus On The Amazing Things Happening Right In Front Of Us.

We Went To Lunch And Were Talking About Procrastination And The Waitress Overheard Us And She Said, 'i Have A Problem With Procrastination, Too.' I Said 'really?... Get My Sandwich.'

Procrastination

I Was Doing Stand-up At A Restaurant And There Was A Chalkboard On The Street Out Front. It Said, Soup Of The Day: Cream Of Asparagus. Ellen Degeneres.

I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

If Your Birthday Is On Christmas Day And You're Not Jesus, You Should Start Telling People Your Birthday Is On June 9 Or Something. Just Read Up On The Traits Of A Gemini. Suddenly You're A Multitasker Who Loves The Color Yellow. Because Not Only Do You Get Stuck With Them Combo Gift, You Get The Combo Song. "we Wish You A Merry Christmas - And Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas - Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas And A Happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!

Merry Christmas

There's Nothing I Know For Sure, Because I Know For Sure That Things Change.

Meditation Is Helping Me Learn To Sit Still. Twenty Minutes Of Meditation In The Morning Is A Nice Way To Start My Day. If You Can Actually Sit Still And Really Get To That Place Of Silence, You Realize What's Important And What's Not Important. Little Things Don't Usually Get To Me Anymore.

Who's To Say What's Better Or Worse Anyway? Who's To Even Say What's Normal Or Average? We're All Different People And We're Allowed To Be Different From On Another. If Someone Ever Says You're Weird, Say Thank You. And Then Curtsy. No, Don't Curtsy. That Might Be Too Weird. Bow. And Tip Your Imaginary Hate. That'll Show Them.

I've Moved About 10 Times Over The Past 15 Years. I Don't Move For The Sole Purpose Of Getting Rid Of Stuff. I'm Not Crazy. I Also Move So That I Never Have To Wash Any Windows.

I Collect Old Portraits. They're All Just Interesting Pictures Of People, And You Just Kind Of Wonder Who They Were And What They Were. There's A Guy - I Don't Know Who He Is, But He's Wearing A Suit. He's Got His Arms Folded, And He Looks Like He Sold Insurance Or Something. I'm Just Wondering Why Someone Painted Him.

Baloney Is Just Salami With An Inferiority Complex.

I Cannot Imagine Not Going Home To Animals. They Are The Closest Thing To God. They Don't Harbour Resentment.

There Are People Who Study Germs. I Believe They Are Called Germans

The World Is Filled With Negativity. I Want People To Watch Me And Think, “i Feel Good, And I’m Going To Make Somebody Else Feel Good Today.

The Definition Of Success Changes. Success Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And Not Give In To Peer Pressure To Be Something You're Not. Follow Your Passion, Stay True To Yourself, Never Follow Someone Else's Path; Unless You're In The Woods And You're Lost And You See A Path, Then By All Means, You Should Follow That.

I Still Have The Shirt I Wore My First Time On Johnny Carson's Show. Only Now I Use It As A Tablecloth At Dinner Parties. It Was Very Blousy.

Comedy Can Be, Especially In A Writer's Room, Really Aggressive, Kind Of A Very Male-dominated Room, And It Would Be Hard For Women. It's Not A Nurturing Place. It's Not Like A Lot Of Women Are Going To Say, I Can't Wait To Live That Lifestyle And Be In A Writer's Room Until 2 Or 3 A.m.

I've Got A Lot To Say About Television. There's A Lot Going On In Television Right Now And I Feel Like A Huge Part Of Television.

I Think What Saved Me Is Me Being Honest. I Think I Somewhow Had The Courage To Do Something And Say Something That I Knew Would Possibly End My Career. Instead Of Making Business More Important I Made My Soul And My Life More Important. And I Think By Being Truthful, And Being Honest, That Saved Me.

Then You Have These People In The Movie Theaters That Talk The Whole Time During The Movie. You Ever Go With Somebody Like That To A Movie But You Don't Realize Until You Get There That You're With Somebody Like That? Brand New Movie. First Day It's Open. You're There Together And The Entire Time They're Sitting There: Where's She Going? Why'd He Do That? Is He Mad At Her? I Don't Know, Let's Watch And Find Out Together Shall We? You Know Who You Are. You're Denying It Right Now: I Do Not Do That. Why Is She Saying That?. What's She Gonna Say Next?

I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

I Won't Have A Hard Time Being Brutally Honest. But I Won't Be Mean. You Don't Have To Be Mean To Be Honest.

Golden Eagles Have An Interesting Way Of Mating, Where They Connect In The Air While Flying At Eighty Miles An Hour And Then They Start Dropping And They Don't Stop Dropping Until The Act Is Completed. So It's Not Uncommon That They Both Fall All The Way To The Ground, Hit The Ground And Both Of Them Die. That's How Committed They Are To This. I Thought To Myself, 'boy, Don't We Feel Like Wimps For Stopping To Answer The Phone.' I Don't Know About You, But If I'm One Of These Two Birds, You're Getting Close To The Ground... I Would Serioulsy Consider Fakin' It.

You're Never Too Old To Play. You're Only Too Old For Low-rise Jeans.

And We Certainly Don't Have Full Conversations On Cellphones. You Know? Usually The Reception Is So Bad, But It's Only Bad On Your Side. The Person Talking To You Has No Clue. They're Just Rambling On And On. You've Got Your Finger Jammed In Your Ear, You're Shushing People On The Streets. You're Ducked Behind A Dumpster So You Can Hear About Your Friend's New Hair Cut. What About The Bangs Are They Shorter?! Are The Bangs Shorter?! The Bangs!

It Is A Fundamental Right For People To Be Allowed To Love Who They Want To Love And Marry Who They Want To Marry And Stop Holding On To Some Form Of Discrimination That It's Just Isn't Fair.

Catch-and-release, That's Like Running Down Pedestrians In Your Car And Then, When They Get Up And Limp Away, Saying -- 'off You Go! That's Fine. I Just Wanted To See If I Could Hit You.'

Our Attention Span Is Shot. We've All Got Attention Deficit Disorder Or Add Or Ocd Or One Of These Disorders With Three Letters Because We Don't Have The Time Or Patience To Pronounce The Entire Disorder. That Should Be A Disorder Right There, Tbd - Too Busy Disorder.

The Thing Everyone Should Realize Is That The Key To Happiness Is Being Happy For Yourself And Yourself.

Key To Happiness

You Can Always Tell When The Relationship Is Over. Little Things Start Getting On Your Nerves, 'would You Please Stop That! That Breathing In And Out, It's So Repetitious.'

Funny Relationship

Do You Live Each Day As If It's Your First Or Your Last? Either Way You Should Probably Have A Diaper On.

I'm A - I'm A, Um, A Godmother Which Is Just, That's Fun To Be A Godmother, She Is So Precious, She's The Light Of My Life, She's Two... Or Five Or Something, And She's, Uh... I Don't Know, I've Never Seen Her - The Pictures Are Precious, She Just Seems So, Y'know... She Lives Clear Across Town, I Don't Have That Kind Of Time, But, Um... Well, I Send Money And Stuff, It's Not Like I Don't Have A Connection...

Human Beings Only Use Ten Percent Of Their Brains. Ten Percent! Can You Imagine How Much We Could Accomplish If We Used The Other Sixty Percent?

I'm Probably The Most Honest Person You'll Ever Meet - To A Fault, Like, I-will-hurt-your-feelings Honest. I'm Sure If I Lied About Anything, It Would Have Been Silly, But I Haven't Retained That Information.

Never Follow Anyone Else’s Path, Unless You’re In The Woods And You’re Lost And You See A Path And By All Means You Should Follow That. Don’t Give Advice, It Will Come Back And Bite You In The Ass. Don’t Take Anyone’s Advice. So My Advice To You Is To Be True To Yourself And Everything Will Be Fine.

Be True To Yourself

True To Yourself

Nothing Says Holidays, Like A Cheese Log.

Dan: 'ah, Well, I Hope This Didn't Have Anything To Do With Me.' Ellen: 'no, Not Unless You Played Cat Woman In Batman.

What's New Orleans Without Music? And What's Music Without Dancing?

We Put The Wrong Emphasis On What Beauty Is And What Health Is. Health Is Being Vibrant And Having Energy And Being Happy.

If Success Is Really Dependent On Someone Liking You Or Not Liking You, And You Have To Teeter On That Kind Of Tightrope Of How You're Supposed To Act And How You're Supposed To Look And Who You Are, It's Just Not A Healthy Way To Live.

Take A Nap In A Fireplace And You'll Sleep Like A Log.

I Ask People Why They Have Deer Heads On Their Walls. They Always Say Because It's Such A Beautiful Animal. There You Go. I Think My Mother Is Attractive, But I Have Photographs Of Her.

Designing Is My Hobby. If I Didn't Do What I Do For A Living - At Some Point When I Don't Do This For A Living - I'll Probably Just Do Design Work. I Love Finding Really Special Pieces Of Furniture.

One Time I Actually Cleaned Out My Closet So Good I Ended Up On The Cover Of Time Magazine.

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