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If Your Birthday Is On Christmas Day And You're Not Jesus, You Should Start Telling People Your Birthday Is On June 9 Or Something. Just Read Up On The Traits Of A Gemini. Suddenly You're A Multitasker Who Loves The Color Yellow. Because Not Only Do You Get Stuck With Them Combo Gift, You Get The Combo Song. "we Wish You A Merry Christmas - And Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas - Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas And A Happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!

-Ellen DeGeneres

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If Your Birthday Is

Ellen DeGeneres

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If Your Birthday Is On Christmas Day And You're Not Jesus, You Should Start Telling People Your Birthday Is On June 9 Or Something. Just Read Up On The Traits Of A Gemini. Suddenly You're A Multitasker Who Loves The Color Yellow. Because Not Only Do You Get Stuck With Them Combo Gift, You Get The Combo Song. "we Wish You A Merry Christmas - And Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas - Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas And A Happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!

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Merry Christmas

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If Your Birthday Is On Christmas Day And You're Not Jesus, You Should Start Telling People Your Birthday Is On June 9 Or Something. Just Read Up On The Traits Of A Gemini. Suddenly You're A Multitasker Who Loves The Color Yellow. Because Not Only Do You Get Stuck With Them Combo Gift, You Get The Combo Song. "we Wish You A Merry Christmas - And Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas - Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas And A Happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!

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Things You Like

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Driving Down The Road

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Sensitive Person

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It Was So Important For Me To Lose Everything, Because I Found Out What The Most Important Thing Is, Which Is To Be True To Yourself.

Be True To Yourself

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Standup Is More Me Talking The Entire Time. There's Definitely An Exchange Of Energy Because That Room, That Audience, Is Giving Back.

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Procrastinate Now, Don't Put It Off.

Procrastination

My Hair Is Always At Its Best In New York. I Don't Know What's In The Water. It Could Be Mousse.

I Have A Terrible Problem With Procrastination. A Friend Told Me, "well, You Should Go To Therapy." And I Thought About It, But Then I Said, "wait A Minute. Why Should I Pay A Stranger To Listen To Me Talk When I Can Get Strangers To Pay To Listen To Me Talk?" And That's When I Got The Idea Of Touring.

Procrastination

I Wanted To Have Money; I Wanted To Be Special; I Wanted People To Like Me; I Wanted To Be Famous.

We Went To Lunch And Were Talking About Procrastination And The Waitress Overheard Us And She Said, 'i Have A Problem With Procrastination, Too.' I Said 'really?... Get My Sandwich.'

Procrastination

For Someone Like Me, Who Loves To Sweat And Push Herself, It's A Challenge To Slow Down, To Sit, To Breathe And Hold Poses.

Golden Eagles Have An Interesting Way Of Mating, Where They Connect In The Air While Flying At Eighty Miles An Hour And Then They Start Dropping And They Don't Stop Dropping Until The Act Is Completed. So It's Not Uncommon That They Both Fall All The Way To The Ground, Hit The Ground And Both Of Them Die. That's How Committed They Are To This. I Thought To Myself, 'boy, Don't We Feel Like Wimps For Stopping To Answer The Phone.' I Don't Know About You, But If I'm One Of These Two Birds, You're Getting Close To The Ground... I Would Serioulsy Consider Fakin' It.

I Never See The Glass Half Empty Because I Drink Out The Bottle

What Did The Letter O Say To Q? Dude, Your Dikk Is Hanging Out.

I Like To Try New Things Because I Get Bored So Easily.

Now Airlines Charge For Everything... If The Oxygen Mask Drops, You Have To Swipe Your Credit Card To Start The Flow Of The Oxygen.

Save A Life This Thanksgiving, And Join Me In Starting A New Tradition By Adopting A Turkey Instead Of Eating One Through Farm Sanctuary's Adopt-a-turkey Project.

When Life Gives You Lemons....they Could Really Be Oranges.

Life Gives You Lemons

If You're In A Position Where You Can Help Other People, There Is Nothing Better In Life Than Helping Other People. Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving

Way, Way Back In The Day, Like In The 1990s, If You Wanted To Tell Everyone You Ate Waffles For Breakfast, You Couldn’t Just Go On The Internet And Tweet It Out. There Was Only One Way To Do It. You Had To Go Outside And Scream At The Top Of Your Lungs, 'i Ate Waffles For Breakfast!' That’s Why So Many People Ended Up In Institutions. They Seemed Crazy, But When You Think About It, They Were Just Ahead Of Their Time.

...to Be Honest, I'd Be The Last Person Who Should Be Doling Out Gardeinng Advice. I Don't Have The Patience For Growing Things. Yes, I Realize There's Nothing Quite As Satisfying As Eating Food That You've Pulled Up From The Ground And That's Why, At The Height Of The Planting Season, I Bury Cans Of Tomato Soup In My Backyard And Dig Them Up In Late Spring.

If Success Is Really Dependent On Someone Liking You Or Not Liking You, And You Have To Teeter On That Kind Of Tightrope Of How You're Supposed To Act And How You're Supposed To Look And Who You Are, It's Just Not A Healthy Way To Live.

And The Bottom Line Is We Are Who We Are-we Look A Certain Way, We Talk A Certain Way, We Walk A Certain Way. I Strut Because I’m A Supermodel, And Sometimes I Gallop For Fun. When We Learn To Accept That, Other People Learn To Accept Us. So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You’re A Serial Killer.

Start Thinking Positively. You Will Notice A Difference. Instead Of 'i Think I'm A Loser,' Try 'i Definitely Am A Loser.' Stop Being Wishy-washy About Things! How Much More Of A Loser Can You Be If You Don't Even Know You Are One? Either You Are A Loser Or You Are Not. Which Is It, Stupid?

All We Have Is Here And Now. That's Why Procrastination Feels So Right. Procrastination Isn't The Problem, It's The Solution.

Procrastination

I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

I Had No Intention Of Becoming A Comedian. I Just Wanted To Make People Happy. I Tried Everything-i Shucked Oysters, I Painted Houses, I Sold Vacuum Cleaners. But There Was Always A Voice Saying, You Should Be Doing Something Different. And It Was Usually My Boss And I Was Being Fired.

So Excited For The Apple Watch. For Centuries, We've Checked The Time By Looking At Our Phones. Having It On Your Wrist? Genius.

I'm A Lesbian, An Aquarian, And A Vegetarian.

You Know, If You're Going To Be Honest With Yourself, You Have To Admit That You Go Into Show Business Wanting People To Talk About You And Wanting Everyone To Know Who You Are. But That Also Means There Are Going To Be A Whole Bunch Of People Who Don't Like You. No Matter Who You Are. I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

Catch-and-release, That's Like Running Down Pedestrians In Your Car And Then, When They Get Up And Limp Away, Saying -- 'off You Go! That's Fine. I Just Wanted To See If I Could Hit You.'

Why Is It That When You Wipe Up Dust Its Called Dusting But When You Wipe Up A Spill Its Not Called Spilling? Just Something To Think About.

Do Things That Make You Happy Within The Confines Of The Legal System.

Some Of The Most Devastating Things That Happen To You Will Teach You The Most

Stuffed Deer Heads On Walls Are Bad Enough, But It’s Worse When You See Them Wearing Dark Glasses, Having Streamers Around Their Necks And A Hat On Their Antlers. Because Then You Know They Were Enjoying Themselves At A Party When They Were Shot.

There's No One Way To Dance. And That's Kind Of My Philosophy About Everything.

I Think People Need To Laugh Everyday. Whether The Economy Is Good Or Bad, I Think The Most Important Thing Is To Laugh And To Feel Positive, If You Are Laughing At Something Positive. But If You Are Laughing At Mean Jokes Then It's A Wash.

When We Were Growing Up Our Parents Somehow Made It Clear That Being Famous Was Good. And I Mistakenly Thought That If I Was Famous Then Everyone Would Love Me.

We Use Only 10% Of Our Brains... Imagine How Smart We Would Be If We Used The Other 60%!

First Of All, I Don't Think They Have To Go That High. That Is Not Necessary, To Be That High In The Air. I Think They're Showing Off, Those Pilots. I Think We Could Just Go Really Fast Just A Few Feet Off The Ground. Just High Enough To Miss The Animals.

I Wonder What Will Happen If I Put A Hand Cream On My Feet, Will They Get Confused And Start Clapping?

What Would Bug The Taliban More Than Seeing A Gay Woman In A Suit Surrounded By Jews?

That Woman In The Shampoo Commercial - She's Happy. She's... She's Too Happy.

I Want People To Like Me - But Not At My Expense. I Just Learned That There Are Too Many People Who Are Going To Have An Opinion About Me Whether I Am Kind To Them Or Not. I Can't Control What They're Feeling. I Am Not A Yeller And I Don't Have A Temper, But I Do Want People To Do Their Best. And If Someone Is A Friend And I See That They're Doing Stuff That Is Not Helping Them Grow, I Will Make It A Point To Talk To Them About It.

I Still Get Scared At Night. Every Tiny Creak, Every Little Noise, I Open My Eyes Real Wide And Listen With Them. Have You Noticed That? When It’s Dark And You Can’t See A Thing, You Open Your Eyes Really Wide And Glance Back And Force, Like Your Eyes Become Your Ears?

But I Do Believe That's When You Do Your Soul-searching. I Think When You Have These Trials That Life Gives You, It Is An Opportunity To Find Out Who You Are. Not Just Who You Are When Everything's Great, But Who Are You When Everything Is Taken Away From You And You Have Nothing.

What You Look Like On The Outside Is Not What Makes You Cool At All. I Mean, I Had A Mullet And Wore Parachute Pants For A Long, Long Time, And I'm Doin' Okay.

But Seriously, I Think Overall In The Scheme Of Things Winning An Emmy Is Not Important. Let's Get Our Priorities Straight. I Think We All Know What's Really Important In Life - Winning An Oscar.

[airline Food] Is The Tiniest Food I've Ever Seen In My Entire Life. Any Kind Of Meat That You Get - Chicken, Steak, Anything - Has Grill Marks On Each Side, Like Somehow We'll Actually Believe There's An Open-flame Grill In The Front Of The Plane.

When Your Heart Is Broken, When Your Heart Has Cracks In It, It Lets The Light In.

I'm Not Going To Say Who Looks The Most Beautiful, But It's Clear. It's Jared Leto. I Mean, He's The Prettiest. Boy Is He Pretty

I’d Like To Be More Patient! I Just Want Everything Now. I’ve Tried To Meditate, But It’s Really Hard For Me To Stay Still. I’d Like To Try To Force Myself To Do It, Because Everybody Says How Wonderful Meditation Is For You, But I Can’t Shut My Mind Up. So Patience And Learning Is The Key.

People Love Their Animals So Much So That They Put Little Clothes On Them And Necklaces And Booties And Things Like That. And If You Love Your Animal, Then You Should Feed Them Something That's Not Dangerous For Them. There's A Lot Of Poisonous Stuff That They're Putting In A Lot Of That Food, Those By-products.

You Know How You Always Expect Someone To Think The Same As You And Then Your Like, Really Shocked When They Don't? Like When It's A Cold Day And You Turn To The Person Next To You And Say, 'its So Cold, Aren't You Cold?' And Then They Say 'no.' It's Kinda Like, 'what, Are You A Communist?'

I'm Not An Activist; I Don't Look For Controversy. I'm Not A Political Person, But I'm A Person With Compassion. I Care Passionately About Equal Rights. I Care About Human Rights. I Care About Animal Rights.

The Good Psychic Would Pick Up The Phone Before It Rang. Of Course It Is Possible There Was Noone On The Other Line. Once She Said "god Bless You" I Said, "i Didn't Sneeze" She Looked Deep Into My Eyes And Said, "you Will, Eventually." And Damn It If She Wasn't Right. Two Days Later I Sneezed.

The First Person I Learned I Could Make Happy With Laughter Was My Mother, Whom I Idolize. It Was A Powerful Thing To Realize. I Knew I Had Found My Life's Work.

Things Will Get Easier, People's Minds Will Change, And You Should Be Alive To See It.

I'm A Godmother, That's A Great Thing To Be, A Godmother. She Calls Me God For Short, That's Cute, I Taught Her That.

We're Told To Go On Living Our Lives As Usual, Because To Do Otherwise Is To Let The Terrorists Win, And Really, What Would Upset The Taliban More Than A Gay Woman Wearing A Suit In Front Of A Room Full Of Jews?

Dan: 'ah, Well, I Hope This Didn't Have Anything To Do With Me.' Ellen: 'no, Not Unless You Played Cat Woman In Batman.

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