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Honestly, We'd Probably Be Great Parents. But It's A Human Being, And Unless You Think You Have Excellent Skills And Have A Drive Or Yearning In You To Do That, The Amount Of Work That That Is And Responsibility - I Wouldn't Want To Screw Them Up! We Love Our Animals.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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Honestly, We'd Probably Be

Ellen DeGeneres

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Honestly, We'd Probably Be Great Parents. But It's A Human Being, And Unless You Think You Have Excellent Skills And Have A Drive Or Yearning In You To Do That, The Amount Of Work That That Is And Responsibility - I Wouldn't Want To Screw Them Up! We Love Our Animals.

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Procrastination

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Funny Inspirational

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If You're In A Position Where You Can Help Other People, There Is Nothing Better In Life Than Helping Other People. Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving

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And The Bottom Line Is We Are Who We Are-we Look A Certain Way, We Talk A Certain Way, We Walk A Certain Way. I Strut Because I’m A Supermodel, And Sometimes I Gallop For Fun. When We Learn To Accept That, Other People Learn To Accept Us. So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You’re A Serial Killer.

I Like Sitting At Outdoor Restaurants; It Would Be Nice To Go Someplace On The Street And Not Worry About Somebody Taking My Picture While I'm About To Take A Bite Of Something.

But Seriously, I Think Overall In The Scheme Of Things Winning An Emmy Is Not Important. Let's Get Our Priorities Straight. I Think We All Know What's Really Important In Life - Winning An Oscar.

There's Always Time To Do Things That You're Passionate About. ... If My Name Helps Get Something Out There That I Believe In Then I Am Going To Produce It. ... Design Is Really My True Love.

One Time I Actually Cleaned Out My Closet So Good I Ended Up On The Cover Of Time Magazine.

Now,i'm No Scientist,but I Know What Endorphins Are. They're Tiny Little Magical Elves That Swim Through Your Blood Stream And Tell Funny Jokes To Each Other. When They Reach Your Brain,you Hear What They're Saying And That Boosts Your Health And Happiness. "knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little Endorphin... Little Endorphin Who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And Then The Endorphins Laugh And Then You Laugh. See? Its Science.

So Many People Prefer To Live In Drama Because It's Comfortable. It's Like Someone Staying In A Bad Marriage Or Relationship - It's Actually Easier To Stay Because They Know What To Expect Every Day, Versus Leaving And Not Knowing What To Expect.

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Life Gives You Lemons

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It Was So Important For Me To Lose Everything, Because I Found Out What The Most Important Thing Is, Which Is To Be True To Yourself.

Be True To Yourself

Above All, I Strive To Be The Best I Can - To Be Better Than I Was Yesterday And Better Tomorrow.

The Legend Goes That St. Patrick Drove The Snakes Out Of Ireland. I Was Thinking... That Must Be Hard To Put All The Tiny Seatbelts On All The Snakes.

If We're Destroying Our Trees And Destroying Our Environment And Hurting Animals And Hurting One Another And All That Stuff, There's Got To Be A Very Powerful Energy To Fight That. I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

Don't You Hate When People Are Late To Work. And They Always Have The Worst Excuses. "oh, I'm Sorry I'm Late, Traffic." "traffic, Huh? How Do You Think I Got Here; Helicoptered In!?"

But I Do Believe That's When You Do Your Soul-searching. I Think When You Have These Trials That Life Gives You, It Is An Opportunity To Find Out Who You Are. Not Just Who You Are When Everything's Great, But Who Are You When Everything Is Taken Away From You And You Have Nothing.

I Think Beauty Comes From Actually Knowing Who You Are. That's Real Beauty To Me.

Knowing Who You Are

It's Nice When People Love You....for You.

I Don't Need A Baby Growing Inside Me For Nine Months. If I'm Going To Feel Nauseous And Achy When I Wake Up, I Want To Achieve That State The Old-fashioned Way: Getting Good And Drunk The Night Before.

Have You Ever Thought About Toothpaste? Ellen Has! And She Makes A Point About All Of The Types Of Toothpaste That Colgate Offers!

I Was Doing Stand-up At A Restaurant And There Was A Chalkboard On The Street Out Front. It Said, Soup Of The Day: Cream Of Asparagus. Ellen Degeneres.

True Beauty Is Not Related To What Color Your Hair Is Or What Color Your Eyes Are. True Beauty Is About Who You Are As A Human Being, Your Principles, Your Moral Compass.

I'm Probably The Most Honest Person You'll Ever Meet - To A Fault, Like, I-will-hurt-your-feelings Honest. I'm Sure If I Lied About Anything, It Would Have Been Silly, But I Haven't Retained That Information.

I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things.

Faith Is Part Of Who I Am, Yes. I Was Raised Christian Scientist. The Most Important Thing I Saw Every Single Week On The Wall At Sunday School Was The Golden Rule: "do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You."

I Don't Know Who Had The Bright Idea Of Teaching Pneumonia How To Walk, But I'd Like To Find That Dunderhead Before He Decides He Wants To Teach It How To Drive.

All The Commercials On Tv Today Are For Antidepressants, For Prozac Or Paxil. And They Get You Right Away. "are You Sad? Do You Get Stressed, Do You Have Anxiety?" "yes, I Have All Those Things! I'm Alive!"

I Have A Great Career, And I Have Wonderful Fans Who Really Are Supportive And Loyal - Because I'm Not Hiding Anything From Them.

The Thing Everyone Should Realize Is That The Key To Happiness Is Being Happy For Yourself And Yourself.

Key To Happiness

My Point Is, Life Is About Balance. The Good And The Bad. The Highs And The Lows. The Pina And The Colada.

Contribute To The World. Help People. Help One Person. Help Someone Cross The Street Today. Help Someone With Directions Unless You Have A Terrible Sense Of Direction. Help Someone Who Is Trying To Help You. Just Help. Make An Impact. Show Someone You Care. Say Yes Instead Of No. Say Something Nice. Smile. Make Eye Contact. Hug. Kiss. Get Naked.

I Was Raised In An Atmosphere Of 'everything's Fine.' But As I Got Older, I Was Like, 'well No, Everything's Not Fine. There Is Stuff That's Sad.' I Am A Really Sensitive Person. I Think I Am Too Sensitive Sometimes.

Sensitive Person

Never Follow Anyone Else’s Path, Unless You’re In The Woods And You’re Lost And You See A Path And By All Means You Should Follow That. Don’t Give Advice, It Will Come Back And Bite You In The Ass. Don’t Take Anyone’s Advice. So My Advice To You Is To Be True To Yourself And Everything Will Be Fine.

Be True To Yourself

True To Yourself

I Get Paid Very Well For An Amazing, Amazing Life. I'm Blessed.

I'm Not An Activist; I Don't Look For Controversy. I'm Not A Political Person, But I'm A Person With Compassion. I Care Passionately About Equal Rights. I Care About Human Rights. I Care About Animal Rights.

Golden Eagles Have An Interesting Way Of Mating, Where They Connect In The Air While Flying At Eighty Miles An Hour And Then They Start Dropping And They Don't Stop Dropping Until The Act Is Completed. So It's Not Uncommon That They Both Fall All The Way To The Ground, Hit The Ground And Both Of Them Die. That's How Committed They Are To This. I Thought To Myself, 'boy, Don't We Feel Like Wimps For Stopping To Answer The Phone.' I Don't Know About You, But If I'm One Of These Two Birds, You're Getting Close To The Ground... I Would Serioulsy Consider Fakin' It.

I Never See The Glass Half Empty Because I Drink Out The Bottle

Most People Don't Get To Laugh, Be Free, Dance, Be Surrounded By This Energy. It's Important To Remind People To Take That Home. I Want The World To Start Shifting [to] A More Positive Energy.

Though You Feel You're Not Where You're Suppose To Be, You Shouldn't Worry Because That Next Turn That You Take, It Will Lead You To Where You Wanna Go.

I Ask People Why They Have Deer Heads On Their Walls. They Always Say Because It's Such A Beautiful Animal. There You Go. I Think My Mother Is Attractive, But I Have Photographs Of Her.

The World Is Full Of A Lot Of Fear And A Lot Of Negativity, And A Lot Of Judgment. I Just Think People Need To Start Shifting Into Joy And Happiness. As Corny As It Sounds, We Need To Make A Shift.

It's Our Challenges And Obstacles That Give Us Layers Of Depth And Make Us Interesting. Are They Fun When They Happen? No. But They Are What Make Us Unique.

I Do It Because I Love Animals And I Saw The Reality. And I Just Couldn't Ignore It Anymore. I'm Healthier For It, I'm Happier For It. I Can't Imagine That If You're Putting Something In Your Body That Is Filled With Fear Or Anxiety Or Pain, That That Isn't Somehow Going To Be Inside Of You.

We Use Only 10% Of Our Brains... Imagine How Smart We Would Be If We Used The Other 60%!

Some Of The Most Devastating Things That Happen To You Will Teach You The Most

You Have To Have Funny Faces And Words, You Can't Just Have Words. It Is A Powerful Thing, And I Think That's Why It's Hard For People To Imagine That Women Can Do That, Be That Powerful.

There Is Something About Tm. It Is The Only Time I Have That Stillness... It Gives Me This Peaceful Feeling-i Just Love It So Much.

I Watch People's Behavior And Notice Things. I Think That's Why I Became A Comedian. I Notice How Stupid The Things We Do Are.

There Are All Sorts Of Books Offering Advice On How To Deal With Life-threatening Situations, But Where's The Advice On Dealing With Embarrassing Ones?

When There's Time For Whistling, There's A Lot Of Time On A Show.

Gratitude Is Looking On The Brighter Side Of The Life, Even If It Means Hurting Your Eyes.

I Would Love To Have The Same Rights As Everybody Else. I Would Love, I Don't Care If It's Called Marriage. I Don't Care If It's Called, You Know, Domestic Partnership. I Don't Care What It's Called.

It`s Hard When Paparazzi Are Photographing Every Single Thing You Do. I'm Sure A Lot Of People Made Mistakes - They Just Were Not Documented The Way They Are Now.

Have You Ever Heard Somebody Sing Some Lyrics That You've Never Sung Before, And You Realize You've Never Sung The Right Words In That Song? You Hear Them And All Of A Sudden You Say To Yourself, 'life In The Fast Lane?' That's What They're Saying Right There? You Think, 'why Have I Been Singing 'wipe In The Vaseline?' How Many People Have Heard Me Sing 'wipe In The Vaseline?' I Am An Idiot.

I Just Want To Find Somebody Special, Somebody That I Click With.

...to Be Honest, I'd Be The Last Person Who Should Be Doling Out Gardeinng Advice. I Don't Have The Patience For Growing Things. Yes, I Realize There's Nothing Quite As Satisfying As Eating Food That You've Pulled Up From The Ground And That's Why, At The Height Of The Planting Season, I Bury Cans Of Tomato Soup In My Backyard And Dig Them Up In Late Spring.

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