Background Image

...

You Know, It's Hard Work To Write A Book. I Can't Tell You How Many Times I Really Get Going On An Idea, Then My Quill Breaks. Or I Spill Ink All Over My Writing Tunic.

-Ellen DeGeneres

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

You Know, It's Hard

Ellen DeGeneres

...

You Know, It's Hard Work To Write A Book. I Can't Tell You How Many Times I Really Get Going On An Idea, Then My Quill Breaks. Or I Spill Ink All Over My Writing Tunic.

Views: 8

Topic

More From Ellen DeGeneres

I Think I Let Go Of The Need For Approval. It Certainly Feels Good When You Get It, But I Used To Be More Desperate For It. Once I Felt Better Inside About Myself... I Could Do Everything Based On How I Want To Do Things.

I Do Have Add And In Real Life, I'm All Over The Place And Can Hardly Focus. If We Were Talking For, For More Than An Hour Or So, I'd Start Drifting Off... I Can't Sit Still Too Long.

We Went To Lunch And Were Talking About Procrastination And The Waitress Overheard Us And She Said, 'i Have A Problem With Procrastination, Too.' I Said 'really?... Get My Sandwich.'

Procrastination

The World Is Full Of A Lot Of Fear And A Lot Of Negativity, And A Lot Of Judgment. I Just Think People Need To Start Shifting Into Joy And Happiness. As Corny As It Sounds, We Need To Make A Shift.

I Ask People Why They Have Deer Heads On Their Walls. They Always Say Because It's Such A Beautiful Animal. There You Go. I Think My Mother Is Attractive, But I Have Photographs Of Her.

Actually This Is Really Funny - One Time She Accidentally Forgot To Leave A Note And I Had No Idea She Had Even Moved. I Was Living In The House With A Beautiful Mexican Family For Three Months Before I Realized They Weren't My Cousins Visiting From Out Of Town. They Were So Nice. They Called Me "quien Es, Quien Es," Which I Thought Was A Beautiful Name.

Sometimes The Greatest Things Are The Most Embarrassing.

I Like To Try New Things Because I Get Bored So Easily.

I’d Like To Be More Patient! I Just Want Everything Now. I’ve Tried To Meditate, But It’s Really Hard For Me To Stay Still. I’d Like To Try To Force Myself To Do It, Because Everybody Says How Wonderful Meditation Is For You, But I Can’t Shut My Mind Up. So Patience And Learning Is The Key.

It's Such An Honor To Receive The Mark Twain Prize. To Get The Same Award That Has Been Given To People Like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey And Will Ferrell, It Really Makes Me Wonder… Why Didn't I Get This Sooner?

Hosting The Emmys Is A Challenge For Me. I Guess It's The Equivalent Of Someone Who Needs To Climb A Mountain Or Jump Out Of A Plane. It's That Kind Of Thing, Where This Could Go Terribly Wrong. And I Love The Feeling Of When It Goes Right.

I Didn't Go To College At All, Any College, And I'm Not Saying You Wasted Your Time Or Money, But Look At Me, I'm A Huge Celebrity.

When We Were Growing Up Our Parents Somehow Made It Clear That Being Famous Was Good. And I Mistakenly Thought That If I Was Famous Then Everyone Would Love Me.

There Are All Sorts Of Books Offering Advice On How To Deal With Life-threatening Situations, But Where's The Advice On Dealing With Embarrassing Ones?

There Would Be Nothing To Get Me To Run For President. I Don't Even Understand How Anyone Would Want That Job At All. Although I Would Be Able To Play Golf Which I Don't Seem To Have Time Now.

Here Are The Values That I Stand For: Honesty, Equality, Kindness, Compassion, Treating People The Way You Want To Be Treated And Helping Those In Need. To Me, Those Are Traditional Values.

It Is A Fundamental Right For People To Be Allowed To Love Who They Want To Love And Marry Who They Want To Marry And Stop Holding On To Some Form Of Discrimination That It's Just Isn't Fair.

Most Comedy Is Based On Getting A Laugh At Somebody Else's Expense. And I Find That That's Just A Form Of Bullying In A Major Way. So I Want To Be An Example That You Can Be Funny And Be Kind, And Make People Laugh Without Hurting Somebody Else's Feelings.

Please Raise Your Children With Love And Non-judgement. Tell Them Everyone Has The Right To Love Who They Want To Love. It Shouldn’t Threaten You Or Who You Are.

I Love Furniture. And I Thought, Why Are We Not Seeing Who's Making The Cool New Coffee Table And These New Designs That Come Out?

You Know, If You're Going To Be Honest With Yourself, You Have To Admit That You Go Into Show Business Wanting People To Talk About You And Wanting Everyone To Know Who You Are. But That Also Means There Are Going To Be A Whole Bunch Of People Who Don't Like You. No Matter Who You Are. I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

I've Learned 2 Things About Tv. It's Always Easier With Vodka & Some Of The Best Singers Are From The Philippines

You're Never Too Old To Play. You're Only Too Old For Low-rise Jeans.

The Song 'if I Had A Hammer' Is Geared Toward People Who Don't Have A Hammer. Maybe Before I Had A Hammer I Thought I'd Hammer In The Morning And Hammer In The Evening. But Once You Get A Hammer, You Find You Don't Really Hammer As Much As You Thought You Would.

[airline Food] Is The Tiniest Food I've Ever Seen In My Entire Life. Any Kind Of Meat That You Get - Chicken, Steak, Anything - Has Grill Marks On Each Side, Like Somehow We'll Actually Believe There's An Open-flame Grill In The Front Of The Plane.

I Watch People's Behavior And Notice Things. I Think That's Why I Became A Comedian. I Notice How Stupid The Things We Do Are.

And Now I've Got To Explain The Smell That Was In There Before I Went In There. Does That Ever Happen To You? It's Not Your Fault. You've Held Your Breath, You Just Wanna Get Out, And Now You Open The Door And You Have To Explain, 'oh! Listen, There's An Odor In There And I Didn't Do It. It's Bad.

Stuffed Deer Heads On Walls Are Bad Enough, But It’s Worse When You See Them Wearing Dark Glasses, Having Streamers Around Their Necks And A Hat On Their Antlers. Because Then You Know They Were Enjoying Themselves At A Party When They Were Shot.

Friends Will Write Me Letters. They Run Out Of Room On The Front Of The Letter. They Write 'over' On The Bottom Of The Letter. Like I'm That Much Of A Moron. Like I Need That There. Because If It Wasn't There, I'd Get To The Bottom Of The Page: 'and So Kathy And I Went Shopping And We--' That's The Craziest Thing! I Don't Know Why She Would Just End It That Way.

I Just Like Observing People - It's Something I've Done Ever Since I Was A Kid, And I Got Really Good At It. That's A Big Part Of Why I Became A Comedian. My Audience Is Filled With Every Kind Of Person You Can Imagine, And I Love That.

Leaning Forward In Your Chair When Someone Is Trying To Squeeze Behind You Isn't Enough. You Also Have To Move The Chair.

When Your Heart Is Broken, When Your Heart Has Cracks In It, It Lets The Light In.

I Enjoy Growing Older And Wiser And Learning From My Mistakes Every Single Day.

I Get My Dance Moves From Just Moving Around And Listening To Music And Not Really Worrying About If It's Perfect Or Not.

It Would Be Horrible To Live With Someone Who Didn't Like The Same Things You Like.

Things You Like

I Think The Hard Thing About This Job [stand-up] I Mean, I Think This Part Is Great But That The Traveling Is Y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm Gone A Lot From Home And This Time I'm Out For Three-and-a-half Weeks Without Going Home, And That's Hard, To Be Gone Three-and-a-half Weeks 'cause Then I Have To Ask My Friends, "would You Mind Going To The House And Watering The Plants, And Turn Some Lights On And Make It Look Like Somebody's Home, And Make Sure That The Mobile Over The Crib Isn't Tangled Or The Baby's Gonna Get Bored.

I Cannot Believe They Haven't Yet Come Up With A Better Screening Process Than The Mammogram. If A Man Had To Put His Special Parts Inside A Clamp To Test Him For Anything, I Think They Would Come Up With A New Plan Before The Doctor Finished Saying, "put That Thing There So I Can Crush It.

Meditation Is Helping Me Learn To Sit Still. Twenty Minutes Of Meditation In The Morning Is A Nice Way To Start My Day. If You Can Actually Sit Still And Really Get To That Place Of Silence, You Realize What's Important And What's Not Important. Little Things Don't Usually Get To Me Anymore.

I'm Glad I'm Funny. I'm Glad I Make People Happy, Because That's Very Important. But I'm Proud To Be Known As A Kind Person.

But Seriously, I Think Overall In The Scheme Of Things Winning An Emmy Is Not Important. Let's Get Our Priorities Straight. I Think We All Know What's Really Important In Life - Winning An Oscar.

I Think Anybody Who Wants To Be President Has To Be A Politician, But I Would Like To Find Somebody Who's Coming From A Loving Place Instead Of A Political Place.

There's No One Way To Dance. And That's Kind Of My Philosophy About Everything.

I Think There's A Whole Bunch Of Things That Go Along With Being A Girl. You're Not Supposed To Have Opinions Or Be Tough Or Strong. You're Supposed To Be Soft And Vulnerable, And I Find Those Qualities Important In Both Men And Women.

When I Look Back On The Stuff I Used To Wear, I Wonder Why Somebody Didn't Try To Stop Me. Just A Friendly Warning, "you May Regret This," Would Have Been Fine.

The Legend Goes That St. Patrick Drove The Snakes Out Of Ireland. I Was Thinking... That Must Be Hard To Put All The Tiny Seatbelts On All The Snakes.

You Say You're Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me? I've Got News For You: I'm Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me.

There's Lotion For Your Face, For Your Hands, For Your Feet, For Your Body. Why? What Would Happen If You Put Hand Lotion On Your Feet? Would Your Feet Get Confused And Start Clapping? Each Kind Has Something Special In It - Aloe, Shea Butter, Coconut, Cocoa Butter, Vanilla, Lemon Extract. That's Not Lotion. That's One Ingredient Short Of A Bundt Cake.

I Still Get Scared At Night. Every Tiny Creak, Every Little Noise, I Open My Eyes Real Wide And Listen With Them. Have You Noticed That? When It’s Dark And You Can’t See A Thing, You Open Your Eyes Really Wide And Glance Back And Force, Like Your Eyes Become Your Ears?

...to Be Honest, I'd Be The Last Person Who Should Be Doling Out Gardeinng Advice. I Don't Have The Patience For Growing Things. Yes, I Realize There's Nothing Quite As Satisfying As Eating Food That You've Pulled Up From The Ground And That's Why, At The Height Of The Planting Season, I Bury Cans Of Tomato Soup In My Backyard And Dig Them Up In Late Spring.

You Listen To Any Monologue On Late-night Tv Or Just In General, To People Talking, And There's Always A Joke At Someone's Expense. It's Sarcasm; It's Nasty. Kids Grow Up Hearing That, And They Think That's What Humor Is, And They Think It's Ok. But That Negativity Permeates The Entire Planet.

My Grandmother Started Walking Five Miles A Day When She Was Sixty. She's Ninety-seven Now, And We Don't Know Where The Hell She Is.

A Circus! 100 Clowns Of Injustice Have Climbed Out Of The Tiny Clown Car Of This Court Room.

If There Weren't Blacks, Jews And Gays, There Would No Oscars. Or Anyone Named Oscar, If You Think About That.

Laugh. Laugh As Much As You Can. Laugh Until You Cry. Cry Until You Laugh. Keep Doing It Even If People Are Passing You On The Street Saying, "i Can't Tell If That Person Is Laughing Or Crying, But Either Way They Seem Crazy, Let's Walk Faster." Emote. It's Okay. It Shows You Are Thinking And Feeling.

I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things. You're Supposed To Laugh, You're Supposed To Cry, You're Not Supposed To Shove Your Feelings Under The Rug.

The World Is Filled With Negativity. I Want People To Watch Me And Think, “i Feel Good, And I’m Going To Make Somebody Else Feel Good Today.

I Hope I Make People Feel Better. I Hope I Take People Out Of Their Situations A Little Bit And Make Them Happier. That's Really Why I Do What I Do.

I'm A - I'm A, Um, A Godmother Which Is Just, That's Fun To Be A Godmother, She Is So Precious, She's The Light Of My Life, She's Two... Or Five Or Something, And She's, Uh... I Don't Know, I've Never Seen Her - The Pictures Are Precious, She Just Seems So, Y'know... She Lives Clear Across Town, I Don't Have That Kind Of Time, But, Um... Well, I Send Money And Stuff, It's Not Like I Don't Have A Connection...

I Work Really Hard At Trying To See The Big Picture And Not Getting Stuck In Ego. I Believe We're All Put On This Planet For A Purpose, And We All Have A Different Purpose... When You Connect With That Love And That Compassion, That's When Everything Unfolds.

I Do Like Men And I Had, You Know, A Guy In High School That I Wanted To Marry Desperately. He's The Mayor Of Some Small Town In Texas. I Could Be The Mayor's Wife Right Now.

What Did The Letter O Say To Q? Dude, Your Dikk Is Hanging Out.

I Have A Terrible Problem With Procrastination. A Friend Told Me, "well, You Should Go To Therapy." And I Thought About It, But Then I Said, "wait A Minute. Why Should I Pay A Stranger To Listen To Me Talk When I Can Get Strangers To Pay To Listen To Me Talk?" And That's When I Got The Idea Of Touring.

Procrastination

Who Needs Sleep? I Laugh In The Face Of Sleep!

Human Beings Only Use Ten Percent Of Their Brains. Ten Percent! Can You Imagine How Much We Could Accomplish If We Used The Other Sixty Percent?

What's New Orleans Without Music? And What's Music Without Dancing?

I'm On The Patch Right Now. Where It Releases Small Dosages Of Approval Until I No Longer Crave It, And Then I'm Gonna Rip It Off.

I Personally Chose To Go Vegan Because I Educated Myself On Factory Farming And Cruelty To Animals, And I Suddenly Realized That What Was On My Plate Were Living Things, With Feelings. And I Just Couldn't Disconnect Myself From It Any Longer. I Read Books Like 'diet For A New America' And Saw Documentaries Like 'earthlings' And 'meet Your Meat,' And It Became An Easy Choice For Me.

That's What Life Is All About. There's A Lot Of Crying. So You'd Better Cry Now And Get Used To It.

If We Lose Our Phones, We Lose Our Phone Books. You Don't Memorize Numbers Anymore.

I Admire People Who Know They Can't Sing. There Are So Many People Out There Who Can't Sing, But They Think They Can, So They Sing A Lot.

Dan: 'ah, Well, I Hope This Didn't Have Anything To Do With Me.' Ellen: 'no, Not Unless You Played Cat Woman In Batman.

People Give Me Such A Hard Time Because I Don't Wear Dresses. What's That Got To Do With Anything?

I Don't Know What People Are Scared Of...maybe They Think Their Children Will Be Influenced By Gay Marriage, But I've Got To Tell You, I Was Raised By Two Heterosexuals. Everywhere I Looked - Heterosexuals. And They Did Not Influence Me. It's Time We Love People For Who They Are And Let Them Love Who They Want.

Most People Don't Get To Laugh, Be Free, Dance, Be Surrounded By This Energy. It's Important To Remind People To Take That Home. I Want The World To Start Shifting [to] A More Positive Energy.

I've Got A Lot To Say About Television. There's A Lot Going On In Television Right Now And I Feel Like A Huge Part Of Television.

So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You're A Serial Killer.

Designing Is My Hobby. If I Didn't Do What I Do For A Living - At Some Point When I Don't Do This For A Living - I'll Probably Just Do Design Work. I Love Finding Really Special Pieces Of Furniture.

I Cannot Imagine Not Going Home To Animals. They Are The Closest Thing To God. They Don't Harbour Resentment.

It's Our Challenges And Obstacles That Give Us Layers Of Depth And Make Us Interesting.

I Think They Should Have A Barbie With A Buzz Cut.

If You Want To Get Rid Of Stuff, You Can Always Do A Good Spring-cleaning. Or You Can Do What I Do. Move.

I Learned Compassion From Being Discriminated Against. Everything Bad That's Ever Happened To Me Has Taught Me Compassion.

Come On, If You Don't Win Tonight It Doesn't Mean You're Not A Good Person, It Just Means You're Not A Good Actor.

So, I Bought A New Cd And I Was Trying To Get It Open But Couldn't With All The Layers... I Mean Plastic And Then Tape, And The Tape Is Like Government Tape. It Says 'open Here.' Is That Sarcasm?

I Know That Every Time I List Something That I Am, I Am Potentially Alienating A Whole Group Of People. Publicists And Managers Will Encourage You Not To Say What Political Party You Belong To, What You Eat, What You Don't Eat, Who You Sleep With And All That Stuff.

You Should Never Assume. You Know What Happens When You Assume. You Make An Ass Out Of You And Me Because That's How It's Spelled.

Baloney Is Just Salami With An Inferiority Complex.

I Don't Need A Baby Growing Inside Me For Nine Months. If I'm Going To Feel Nauseous And Achy When I Wake Up, I Want To Achieve That State The Old-fashioned Way: Getting Good And Drunk The Night Before.

I Just Feel Like Every Kid Is Growing Up Too Fast And They're Seeing Too Much. Everything Is About Sex, And That's Fine For Me. I'm Not Saying I Don't Like It. But I Don't Think It Should Be Everywhere, Where Kids Are Exposed To Everything Sexual. Because They Have To Have Some Innocence; There's Just No Innocence Left.

We All Feel Like Idiots At One Time Or Another. Even If We Feel We're Cool 98 Percent Of The Time, That 2-percent Doofus Is Poised To Take Over Our Bodies Without Any Warning.

I Would Love For The World To Be Happier.

For Someone Like Me, Who Loves To Sweat And Push Herself, It's A Challenge To Slow Down, To Sit, To Breathe And Hold Poses.

I Have The Worst Memory Ever So No Matter Who Comes Up To Me - They're Just, Like, 'i Can't Believe You Don't Remember Me!" I'm Like, 'oh Dad I'm Sorry!

I Think People Need To Laugh Everyday. Whether The Economy Is Good Or Bad, I Think The Most Important Thing Is To Laugh And To Feel Positive, If You Are Laughing At Something Positive. But If You Are Laughing At Mean Jokes Then It's A Wash.

You Know That Song That Asks, "why Do Fools Fall In Love?"? I Think The Obvious Answer Is Because They're Fools.

Falling In Love

Have You Ever Thought About Toothpaste? Ellen Has! And She Makes A Point About All Of The Types Of Toothpaste That Colgate Offers!

We're Told To Go On Living Our Lives As Usual, Because To Do Otherwise Is To Let The Terrorists Win, And Really, What Would Upset The Taliban More Than A Gay Woman Wearing A Suit In Front Of A Room Full Of Jews?

The Way I See It... If You Need Both Of Your Hands For Whatever It Is You're Doing, Then Your Brain Should Probably Be In On It Too.

Life Is Short. If You Doubt Me, Ask A Butterfly. Their Average Life Span Is A Mere Five To Fourteen Days.

We're Just Trying To Find Happiness In The Bodies And Minds We Were Given, Like Everyone Else.

Finding Happiness

I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things.

I See Those Picketers, And I Think You Know, If I Weren't A Loving, Non-violent, Spiritual Person, I Would Really Go Over There And Grab Those Signs And Smash Them Over Their Heads And Shove Them Up Their Asses. But...i'm A Loving, Spiritual Person.

My Cat, Ethel, Is An Indoor Cat But Somehow She's Sneakin' Out At Night. 'cause The Other Morning I Found A Stamp On Her Paw... I Wouldn't Have Noticed Myself, But I Just Bought This New Black Light And She Passed Right Under It And I Said, 'hey, What's That On You Paw?

The Stand Up, Everything Was Accidental. I Never Grew Up And Was The Class Clown And Had To Get The Attention. It Was - It Really Is, I Have A Career Despite Myself.

I Was In Yoga The Other Day. I Was In Full Lotus Position. My Chakras Were All Aligned. My Mind Is Cleared Of All Clatter And I'm Looking Out Of My Third Eye And Everything That I'm Supposed To Be Doing. It's Amazing What Comes Up, When You Sit In That Silence. "mama Keeps Whites Bright Like The Sunlight, Mama's Got The Magic Of Clorox 2."

You Talk To Some People Who Are Opposed To Same Sex Marriage, And They'll Say, 'if We Allow That, What's Next? Will People Want To Marry Animals?'...you Have To Wonder About People Who Go Straight To That Idea --- And They Think We're Weird!

I Just Want To Find Somebody Special, Somebody That I Click With.

My Life Is Perfect Even When It's Not.

It's Failure That Gives You The Proper Perspective On Success.

You Just Have To Keep Driving Down The Road. It's Going To Bend And Curve And You'll Speed Up And Slow Down, But The Road Keeps Going.

Driving Down The Road

There Are “well-known Secrets” Out There And There Are People Who Are “so Happy They Could Die.” Sometimes People Are So Sad They Have To Laugh And Sometimes Things Feel So Wrong, They’re Right. Basically What I’m Saying Is, I Usually Don’t Know What People Are Talking About.

Do You Live Each Day As If It's Your First Or Your Last? Either Way You Should Probably Have A Diaper On.

I Get Those Fleeting, Beautiful Moments Of Inner Peace And Stillness - And Then The Other 23 Hours And 45 Minutes Of The Day, I'm A Human Trying To Make It Through In This World.

Beauty Is About Being Comfortable In Your Own Skin. It's About Knowing And Accepting Who You Are.

I Always Like Using Different Muscles, You Can Take That However You Want. But Doing Something Once A Year Is Fantastic, I Highly Recommended It If You Can Do It. It's A Wonderful Thing, It's Very Freeing And I Can Put A Lot Of Energy And Attention Onto It And It's Something I Love Doing.

There's Nothing I Know For Sure, Because I Know For Sure That Things Change.

I Don't Really Ever Live My Life In Fear. I Really Live My Life In Gratitude And Feeling Positive For The Most Part.

Emote. It's Okay. It Shows You Are Thinking And Feeling.

I Was Coming Home From Kindergarten - Well They Told Me It Was Kindergarten. I Found Out Later I Had Been Working In A Factory For Ten Years. It's Good For A Kid To Know How To Make Gloves.

I've Been Trying To Find Women Writers For My Staff For A While Now And I Have Three Women On My Staff And Three Guys So It's Pretty Equal. I Don't Know Why That Is. It's Been The Same Thing For A While. It's Hard For Female Comedians To Stand Out. That's Weird. That's A Shame.

Did You Ever Feel Like The Whole World Was Going To A Party And Your Invitation Got Lost In The Mail?

And The Bottom Line Is We Are Who We Are-we Look A Certain Way, We Talk A Certain Way, We Walk A Certain Way. I Strut Because I’m A Supermodel, And Sometimes I Gallop For Fun. When We Learn To Accept That, Other People Learn To Accept Us. So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You’re A Serial Killer.

Yeah I'm Thirty-six, But On The Show I'm Thirty-two. Nobody Wants To Watch A Thirty-six Year Old Woman, So They Decided To Make Me Thirty-two. Much More Appealing Somehow.

Do Things That Make You Happy Within The Confines Of The Legal System.

I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

It Must Be Around Forty, When You're "over The Hill." I Don't Even Know What That Means And Why It's A Bad Thing. When I Go Hiking And I Get Over The Hill, That Means I'm Past The Hard Part And There's A Snack In My Future. That's A Good Thing As Far As I'm Concerned.

Funny Inspirational

I Don't Pay Attention To The Number Of Birthdays. It's Weird When I Say I'm 53. It Just Is Crazy That I'm 53. I Think I'm Very Immature. I Feel Like A Kid. That's Why My Back Goes Out All The Time, Because I Completely Forget I Can't Do Certain Things Anymore - Like Doing The Plank For 10 Minutes.

Do We Have To Know Who's Gay And Who's Straight? Can't We Just Love Everybody And Judge Them By The Car They Drive?

My Hair Is Always At Its Best In New York. I Don't Know What's In The Water. It Could Be Mousse.

I Hate Having To Do Small Talk. I'd Rather Talk About Deep Subjects. I'd Rather Talk About Meditation, Or The World, Or The Trees Or Animals, Than Small, Inane, You Know, Banter.

I Feel Like I Have A Hangover, Without All The Happy Memories And Mystery Bruises.

In The 80's We Had High, High, Waisted Pants, That If They Came Up Any Higher They'd Have To Go Up Another Size, If You Know What I Mean.

Golden Eagles Have An Interesting Way Of Mating, Where They Connect In The Air While Flying At Eighty Miles An Hour And Then They Start Dropping And They Don't Stop Dropping Until The Act Is Completed. So It's Not Uncommon That They Both Fall All The Way To The Ground, Hit The Ground And Both Of Them Die. That's How Committed They Are To This. I Thought To Myself, 'boy, Don't We Feel Like Wimps For Stopping To Answer The Phone.' I Don't Know About You, But If I'm One Of These Two Birds, You're Getting Close To The Ground... I Would Serioulsy Consider Fakin' It.

I Would Rather Be The Good Aunt Who Never Says Anything Bad And Lets The Parents Discipline The Child.

Everybody Always Resolves To Start Exercising, But They Never Do. You Know Why ? Because It's January. Who Wants To Go Jogging In The Freezing Cold ?

It's Nice When People Love You....for You.

The Only Way A No-legged Leopard Could Hurt You Is If It Fell Out Of A Tree Onto Your Head.

When I Decided To Have My Character On The Show Come Out, I Knew I Was Going To Have To Come Out, Too. I Never Wanted To Be The Lesbian Actress. I Never Wanted To Be The Spokesperson For The Gay Community. Ever. I Did It For My Own Truth.

Never Follow Anyone Else’s Path, Unless You’re In The Woods And You’re Lost And You See A Path And By All Means You Should Follow That. Don’t Give Advice, It Will Come Back And Bite You In The Ass. Don’t Take Anyone’s Advice. So My Advice To You Is To Be True To Yourself And Everything Will Be Fine.

Be True To Yourself

True To Yourself

I'm A Lesbian, An Aquarian, And A Vegetarian.

I Never See The Glass Half Empty Because I Drink Out The Bottle

The First Time Probably People Really Were Aware Of Me, I Unfortunately Had The Title Of Showtime's Funniest Person In America. And That's A Really Tough Title To Travel Around With When You're Not Even Known.

For Some Reason, We Can't Just Enjoy Somebody Else's Success. Somehow, That's Going To Affect Us. If They Have More, Then I Have Less - And I Don't Know Why.

Way, Way Back In The Day, Like In The 1990s, If You Wanted To Tell Everyone You Ate Waffles For Breakfast, You Couldn’t Just Go On The Internet And Tweet It Out. There Was Only One Way To Do It. You Had To Go Outside And Scream At The Top Of Your Lungs, 'i Ate Waffles For Breakfast!' That’s Why So Many People Ended Up In Institutions. They Seemed Crazy, But When You Think About It, They Were Just Ahead Of Their Time.

I Think Gender Plays A Part In Most Things, But I Don't Know How It Would Be Different Because I've Never Been A Man. And My Fame Is Different From Nicole Kidman's Or Sharon Stone's. I Think Everybody's Fame Is Different.

It's A Lot Of Work To Put A Brand-new Monologue And A Brand-new Show On The Air And Find Comedy Every Single Day. It's Challenging And It's The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done, But It's The Best-suited Thing For Me. The More Relaxed I Get And The More Confident I Feel, The More I Get To Play And Be Myself...

Start Thinking Positively. You Will Notice A Difference. Instead Of 'i Think I'm A Loser,' Try 'i Definitely Am A Loser.' Stop Being Wishy-washy About Things! How Much More Of A Loser Can You Be If You Don't Even Know You Are One? Either You Are A Loser Or You Are Not. Which Is It, Stupid?

I Think Beauty Comes From Actually Knowing Who You Are. That's Real Beauty To Me.

Knowing Who You Are

I'm Probably The Most Honest Person You'll Ever Meet - To A Fault, Like, I-will-hurt-your-feelings Honest. I'm Sure If I Lied About Anything, It Would Have Been Silly, But I Haven't Retained That Information.

The Reason I Do What I Do Is Because I Was Influenced By Steve Martin, By Woody Allen, By Bob Newhart, By Carol Burnett, By Lucille Ball.

Being A Teenager And Figuring Out Who You Are Is Hard Enough Without Someone Attacking You.

Asking Who's The 'man' And Who's The 'woman' In A Same-sex Relationship Is Like Asking Which Chopstick Is The Fork.

I'm Sure Men Have Their Own Ways Of Trying To Demean One Another, But Women Can Be Very Gossipy And Judgmental, And That Doesn't Help.

I Appreciate Your Giving My Book -- And In No Small Way, Me -- A Chance. To Thank You, I Really Wanted To Acknowledge All Of You In The Book. Unfortunately, I Didn't Have Enough Room For Each Name. So I've Put In A Code Name That Stands For All Of You Reading This Book. The Name Is 'mom.' It Will Be Our Little Secret. So When You See 'mom' In The Acknowledgments, You'll Know I'm Really Talking About You. And Don't Let My Mother Try To Tell You Otherwise.

Take A Nap In A Fireplace And You'll Sleep Like A Log.

What Would Bug The Taliban More Than Seeing A Gay Woman In A Suit Surrounded By Jews?

I Have The Picture Of Barack [obama] And Me Dancing Right Outside Of My Dressing Room Door, I See It Every Single Day, And It Makes Me Very Happy.

It`s Hard When Paparazzi Are Photographing Every Single Thing You Do. I'm Sure A Lot Of People Made Mistakes - They Just Were Not Documented The Way They Are Now.

There Are People Who Study Germs. I Believe They Are Called Germans

I Was Raised Around Heterosexuals, As All Heterosexuals Are. That's Where Us Gay People Come From - You Heterosexuals.

I Had A Really Tough Time For A Few Years. My Show Was Gone. My Phone Wasn't Ringing. There Wasn't One Job Offer. And At That Point, I Thought I Knew For Sure That I Wouldn't Work In Hollywood Again.

Sometimes Something Being Taken Away From You Is Exactly What You Need To Take A Look At Yourself.

I Get To Do Stand-up Every Single Day. I Love That Live Energy Exchange Between The Audience And Myself, And To Get To Say The Things I Want To Say And Comment On.

I Don't Consider Myself An Interviewer As Much As An Entertainer.

There Are People Out There Hiding All Kinds Of Things. People Who Have All This Success And All This Fame And All This Money, And Yet There Are Secrets That They Think If We Found Out About, It Would Be Over For Them. And It's A Horrible Way To Live Whether You're Famous Or Not.

But I Do Believe That's When You Do Your Soul-searching. I Think When You Have These Trials That Life Gives You, It Is An Opportunity To Find Out Who You Are. Not Just Who You Are When Everything's Great, But Who Are You When Everything Is Taken Away From You And You Have Nothing.

My Name Is Ellen And I'm A Vegetarian. Just To Add Another Label To Me: I Am A Lesbian, Aquarian And Vegetarian. I've Said It.

Catch-and-release, That's Like Running Down Pedestrians In Your Car And Then, When They Get Up And Limp Away, Saying -- 'off You Go! That's Fine. I Just Wanted To See If I Could Hit You.'

People Love Their Animals So Much So That They Put Little Clothes On Them And Necklaces And Booties And Things Like That. And If You Love Your Animal, Then You Should Feed Them Something That's Not Dangerous For Them. There's A Lot Of Poisonous Stuff That They're Putting In A Lot Of That Food, Those By-products.

Don't You Hate When People Are Late To Work. And They Always Have The Worst Excuses. "oh, I'm Sorry I'm Late, Traffic." "traffic, Huh? How Do You Think I Got Here; Helicoptered In!?"

Above All, I Strive To Be The Best I Can - To Be Better Than I Was Yesterday And Better Tomorrow.

Things Will Get Easier, People's Minds Will Change, And You Should Be Alive To See It.

For Me, It's That I Contributed, ... That I'm On This Planet Doing Some Good And Making People Happy. That's To Me The Most Important Thing, That My Hour Of Television Is Positive And Upbeat And An Antidote For All The Negative Stuff Going On In Life.

People Always Ask Me, 'were You Funny As A Child?' Well, No, I Was An Accountant.

If You're In A Position Where You Can Help Other People, There Is Nothing Better In Life Than Helping Other People. Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving

Really, He Called Me That? Ellen Degenerate? I've Been Getting That Since Fourth Grade. I Guess I'm Happy I Could Give Him Work.

You Know Me. Any Excuse To Put On A Dress.

If You Want To Test Cosmetics, Why Do It On Some Poor Animal Who Hasn't Done Anything? They Should Use Prisoners Who Have Been Convicted Of Murder Or Rape Instead. So, Rather Than Seeing If Perfume Irritates A Bunny Rabbit's Eyes, They Should Throw It In Charles Manson's Eyes And Ask Him If It Hurts.

I Collect Old Portraits. They're All Just Interesting Pictures Of People, And You Just Kind Of Wonder Who They Were And What They Were. There's A Guy - I Don't Know Who He Is, But He's Wearing A Suit. He's Got His Arms Folded, And He Looks Like He Sold Insurance Or Something. I'm Just Wondering Why Someone Painted Him.

Haters Are My Motivators

I Had Done A Sitcom And A Movie And Hosted The Emmys, And All Of A Sudden, I Lost Everything. As Someone Put It At The Time, I Was Suddenly Like A Ferrari In Neutral.

Lost Everything

If We Don’t Want To Define Ourselves By Things As Superficial As Our Appearances, We’re Stuck With The Revolting Alternative Of Being Judged By Our Actions.

Procrastination Isn't The Problem. It's The Solution. It's The Universe's Way Of Saying Stop, Slow Down, You Move Too Fast.

Procrastination

Beauty Isn’t Between A Size Zero And A Size Eight, It Is Not A Number At All. It Is Not Physical.

I Think Furniture Is Art. I Don't Think Art Is Just For Your Walls - I Think Everything That Someone Has Made Is A Piece Of Art.

I Don't Think I Remember My First Memory.

I Do It Because I Love Animals And I Saw The Reality. And I Just Couldn't Ignore It Anymore. I'm Healthier For It, I'm Happier For It. I Can't Imagine That If You're Putting Something In Your Body That Is Filled With Fear Or Anxiety Or Pain, That That Isn't Somehow Going To Be Inside Of You.

I Prefer To Believe That People Are Good And Honest And Respect Me Enough To Tell Me The Truth. It's Not Easy To Find Those People All The Time, But They're Out There.

What Goes Up Must Come Down, Which Is Why I Don't Wear Tube Tops.

I Had Everything I'd Hoped For, But I Wasn't Being Myself. So I Decided To Be Honest About Who I Was. It Was Strange: The People Who Loved Me For Being Funny Suddenly Didn't Like Me For Being... Me.

Be Kind To One Another. Bye, Bye.

I Love Clothes, So When I Wear Clothes, They're Usually Somebody's. You Know, I'm Not Wearing Kmart.

If Your Birthday Is On Christmas Day And You're Not Jesus, You Should Start Telling People Your Birthday Is On June 9 Or Something. Just Read Up On The Traits Of A Gemini. Suddenly You're A Multitasker Who Loves The Color Yellow. Because Not Only Do You Get Stuck With Them Combo Gift, You Get The Combo Song. "we Wish You A Merry Christmas - And Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas - Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas And A Happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!

Merry Christmas

So Excited For The Apple Watch. For Centuries, We've Checked The Time By Looking At Our Phones. Having It On Your Wrist? Genius.

Our Attention Span Is Shot. We've All Got Attention Deficit Disorder Or Add Or Ocd Or One Of These Disorders With Three Letters Because We Don't Have The Time Or Patience To Pronounce The Entire Disorder. That Should Be A Disorder Right There, Tbd - Too Busy Disorder.

I Look At Anything In Nature And How Things Work - The Stars, The Pyramids - And I Can't Imagine That There's Not Some Kind Of Design To It All. There's Got To Be Something Big That We Don't Understand. I Do Believe In Jesus. I Believe In Being Good To One Another. Life Is About Spending Our Time Here Contributing And Not Taking Away. That's My Faith.

Gratitude Is Looking On The Brighter Side Of The Life, Even If It Means Hurting Your Eyes.

The Thing Everyone Should Realize Is That The Key To Happiness Is Being Happy For Yourself And Yourself.

Key To Happiness

I Won't Have A Hard Time Being Brutally Honest. But I Won't Be Mean. You Don't Have To Be Mean To Be Honest.

I Know There's Always Going To Be Feedback No Matter What The Subject. I Am Shocked By Somebody Commenting On My Shoes Or My Clothes. Everyone Has An Opinion, Everyone Is Logging About Everything And Has An Opinion. So I Can't Possibly Pay Attention To That.

Trending Author

George Matthew Adams

Category