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The First Time Probably People Really Were Aware Of Me, I Unfortunately Had The Title Of Showtime's Funniest Person In America. And That's A Really Tough Title To Travel Around With When You're Not Even Known.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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The First Time Probably

Ellen DeGeneres

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The First Time Probably People Really Were Aware Of Me, I Unfortunately Had The Title Of Showtime's Funniest Person In America. And That's A Really Tough Title To Travel Around With When You're Not Even Known.

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You Have To Have Funny Faces And Words, You Can't Just Have Words. It Is A Powerful Thing, And I Think That's Why It's Hard For People To Imagine That Women Can Do That, Be That Powerful.

Our Attention Span Is Shot. We've All Got Attention Deficit Disorder Or Add Or Ocd Or One Of These Disorders With Three Letters Because We Don't Have The Time Or Patience To Pronounce The Entire Disorder. That Should Be A Disorder Right There, Tbd - Too Busy Disorder.

The Problem With Labels Is That They Lead To Stereotypes And Stereotypes Lead To Generalizations And Generalizations Lead To Assumptions And Assumptions Lead Back To Stereotypes. It’s A Vicious Cycle, And After You Go Around And Around A Bunch Of Times You End Up Believing That All Vegans Only Eat Cabbage And All Gay People Love Musicals.

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When I Look Back On The Stuff I Used To Wear, I Wonder Why Somebody Didn't Try To Stop Me. Just A Friendly Warning, "you May Regret This," Would Have Been Fine.

So Excited For The Apple Watch. For Centuries, We've Checked The Time By Looking At Our Phones. Having It On Your Wrist? Genius.

Find Out Who You Are And Figure Out What You Believe In. Even If It's Different From What Your Neighbors Believe In And Different From What Your Parents Believe In. Stay True To Yourself. Have Your Own Opinion. Don't Worry About What People Say About You Or Think About You. Let The Naysayers Nay. They Will Eventually Grow Tired Of Naying.

If We Don’t Want To Define Ourselves By Things As Superficial As Our Appearances, We’re Stuck With The Revolting Alternative Of Being Judged By Our Actions.

I Just Like Observing People - It's Something I've Done Ever Since I Was A Kid, And I Got Really Good At It. That's A Big Part Of Why I Became A Comedian. My Audience Is Filled With Every Kind Of Person You Can Imagine, And I Love That.

Here's The Analogy. If My Body Were A Car, I'd Be Thinking About Trading It In Around Now. I Would Like To Upgrade. I Would Be Actually On The Lot Somewhere And Some Guy With A Loud Sports Jacket Would Be Sizing Me Up...kinda Lookin' Around Goin--maybe Kickin My Knees. Looking Behind Me Going: That Looks A Little Bashed In Back There...yeah. You Mind If I Check Under The Hood?" 'well Yes I Do! Thank You Very Much.

For Me, It's That I Contributed, ... That I'm On This Planet Doing Some Good And Making People Happy. That's To Me The Most Important Thing, That My Hour Of Television Is Positive And Upbeat And An Antidote For All The Negative Stuff Going On In Life.

Something Big Happened Over The Weekend. Something That Affects Everybody, All Over The World. George Clooney Got Married.

I Just Feel Like Every Kid Is Growing Up Too Fast And They're Seeing Too Much. Everything Is About Sex, And That's Fine For Me. I'm Not Saying I Don't Like It. But I Don't Think It Should Be Everywhere, Where Kids Are Exposed To Everything Sexual. Because They Have To Have Some Innocence; There's Just No Innocence Left.

Who's To Say What's Better Or Worse Anyway? Who's To Even Say What's Normal Or Average? We're All Different People And We're Allowed To Be Different From On Another. If Someone Ever Says You're Weird, Say Thank You. And Then Curtsy. No, Don't Curtsy. That Might Be Too Weird. Bow. And Tip Your Imaginary Hate. That'll Show Them.

I Like To Try New Things Because I Get Bored So Easily.

No Matter How Popular You Are As A Stand-up - You Can Go Out And Fill A 10,000-seat Arena And Be Smart And Funny - It's Delicate To Host An Awards Show And Know Where Your Place Is And Know That It's Not About You, That It's About The People Who Are Nominated, And Respect That, But At The Same Time Have Your Moment To Show Them Who You Are.

It's Our Challenges And Obstacles That Give Us Layers Of Depth And Make Us Interesting.

Though You Feel You're Not Where You're Suppose To Be, You Shouldn't Worry Because That Next Turn That You Take, It Will Lead You To Where You Wanna Go.

And We Certainly Don't Have Full Conversations On Cellphones. You Know? Usually The Reception Is So Bad, But It's Only Bad On Your Side. The Person Talking To You Has No Clue. They're Just Rambling On And On. You've Got Your Finger Jammed In Your Ear, You're Shushing People On The Streets. You're Ducked Behind A Dumpster So You Can Hear About Your Friend's New Hair Cut. What About The Bangs Are They Shorter?! Are The Bangs Shorter?! The Bangs!

...to Be Honest, I'd Be The Last Person Who Should Be Doling Out Gardeinng Advice. I Don't Have The Patience For Growing Things. Yes, I Realize There's Nothing Quite As Satisfying As Eating Food That You've Pulled Up From The Ground And That's Why, At The Height Of The Planting Season, I Bury Cans Of Tomato Soup In My Backyard And Dig Them Up In Late Spring.

But I Do Believe That's When You Do Your Soul-searching. I Think When You Have These Trials That Life Gives You, It Is An Opportunity To Find Out Who You Are. Not Just Who You Are When Everything's Great, But Who Are You When Everything Is Taken Away From You And You Have Nothing.

It's So Much Better For Me To Do A Talk Show. You Still Have That Energy Of The Audience, And The Audience Is Just As Important As That Guest That's Sitting Next To Me. It's Not About Me And That Guest Exchanging Energy And Talking. It's About Everything That's Going On In That Room, And They're As Much A Part Of The Show As Anything. I Like This Better Than Anything I've Ever Done.

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When We Were Growing Up Our Parents Somehow Made It Clear That Being Famous Was Good. And I Mistakenly Thought That If I Was Famous Then Everyone Would Love Me.

I Think The Hard Thing About This Job [stand-up] I Mean, I Think This Part Is Great But That The Traveling Is Y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm Gone A Lot From Home And This Time I'm Out For Three-and-a-half Weeks Without Going Home, And That's Hard, To Be Gone Three-and-a-half Weeks 'cause Then I Have To Ask My Friends, "would You Mind Going To The House And Watering The Plants, And Turn Some Lights On And Make It Look Like Somebody's Home, And Make Sure That The Mobile Over The Crib Isn't Tangled Or The Baby's Gonna Get Bored.

I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

If We Lose Our Phones, We Lose Our Phone Books. You Don't Memorize Numbers Anymore.

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I Get Paid Very Well For An Amazing, Amazing Life. I'm Blessed.

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I Learned Compassion From Being Discriminated Against. Everything Bad That's Ever Happened To Me Has Taught Me Compassion.

When I Was Younger I Thought Success Was Something Different. I Thought, " When I Grow Up, I Want To Be Famous. I Want To Be A Star. I Want To Be In Movies. When I Grow Up I Want To See The World, Drive Nice Cars. I Want To Have Groupies." But My Idea Of Success Is Different Today. For Me, The Most Important Thing In Your Life Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And Not To Give Into Peer Pressure, To Try To Be Something That You're Not. To Live Your Life As An Honest And Compassionate Person. To Contribute In Some Way.

Right Before I Decided To Come Out, I Went On A Spiritual Retreat Called 'changing The Inner Dialogue Of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd Never Been To Anything Like It Before, And All My Friends Were Taking Bets On How Long I'd Last With No Tv, No Radio, No Phone. But For Me That Was The Beginning Of Paying Attention To All The Little Things.

If You Want To Test Cosmetics, Why Do It On Some Poor Animal Who Hasn't Done Anything? They Should Use Prisoners Who Have Been Convicted Of Murder Or Rape Instead. So, Rather Than Seeing If Perfume Irritates A Bunny Rabbit's Eyes, They Should Throw It In Charles Manson's Eyes And Ask Him If It Hurts.

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We Went To Lunch And Were Talking About Procrastination And The Waitress Overheard Us And She Said, 'i Have A Problem With Procrastination, Too.' I Said 'really?... Get My Sandwich.'

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I Put A Basketball In Front Of George Clooney's Door And Sprayed It With Supermodel Perfume To Lure Him Out.

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I Was Doing Stand-up At A Restaurant And There Was A Chalkboard On The Street Out Front. It Said, Soup Of The Day: Cream Of Asparagus. Ellen Degeneres.

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I Know There's Always Going To Be Feedback No Matter What The Subject. I Am Shocked By Somebody Commenting On My Shoes Or My Clothes. Everyone Has An Opinion, Everyone Is Logging About Everything And Has An Opinion. So I Can't Possibly Pay Attention To That.

I Think There's A Whole Bunch Of Things That Go Along With Being A Girl. You're Not Supposed To Have Opinions Or Be Tough Or Strong. You're Supposed To Be Soft And Vulnerable, And I Find Those Qualities Important In Both Men And Women.

I Didn't Go To College At All, Any College, And I'm Not Saying You Wasted Your Time Or Money, But Look At Me, I'm A Huge Celebrity.

I Was In Yoga The Other Day. I Was In Full Lotus Position. My Chakras Were All Aligned. My Mind Is Cleared Of All Clatter And I'm Looking Out Of My Third Eye And Everything That I'm Supposed To Be Doing. It's Amazing What Comes Up, When You Sit In That Silence. "mama Keeps Whites Bright Like The Sunlight, Mama's Got The Magic Of Clorox 2."

I'm A Godmother, That's A Great Thing To Be, A Godmother. She Calls Me God For Short, That's Cute, I Taught Her That.

I Think What Saved Me Is Me Being Honest. I Think I Somewhow Had The Courage To Do Something And Say Something That I Knew Would Possibly End My Career. Instead Of Making Business More Important I Made My Soul And My Life More Important. And I Think By Being Truthful, And Being Honest, That Saved Me.

My Cat, Ethel, Is An Indoor Cat But Somehow She's Sneakin' Out At Night. 'cause The Other Morning I Found A Stamp On Her Paw... I Wouldn't Have Noticed Myself, But I Just Bought This New Black Light And She Passed Right Under It And I Said, 'hey, What's That On You Paw?

The Only Way A No-legged Leopard Could Hurt You Is If It Fell Out Of A Tree Onto Your Head.

I Don't Want To Get The Same Looks I Give People When They Get On A Plane Holding A Baby: "that's A Cute Baby, Just Keep Walking, Keep Walking, Keep Going, Keep Going.

The First Time Probably People Really Were Aware Of Me, I Unfortunately Had The Title Of Showtime's Funniest Person In America. And That's A Really Tough Title To Travel Around With When You're Not Even Known.

It's Just, You Can Get Very Complacent If You Do The Same Thing All The Time And Especially The Comedian, It Gives Me You Know Different Things To React To And Respond To, And It Stimulates Me.

I Don't Think I Remember My First Memory.

We Put The Wrong Emphasis On What Beauty Is And What Health Is. Health Is Being Vibrant And Having Energy And Being Happy.

My Grandmother Started Walking Five Miles A Day When She Was Sixty. She's Ninety-seven Now, And We Don't Know Where The Hell She Is.

My Name Is Ellen And I'm A Vegetarian. Just To Add Another Label To Me: I Am A Lesbian, Aquarian And Vegetarian. I've Said It.

Way, Way Back In The Day, Like In The 1990s, If You Wanted To Tell Everyone You Ate Waffles For Breakfast, You Couldn’t Just Go On The Internet And Tweet It Out. There Was Only One Way To Do It. You Had To Go Outside And Scream At The Top Of Your Lungs, 'i Ate Waffles For Breakfast!' That’s Why So Many People Ended Up In Institutions. They Seemed Crazy, But When You Think About It, They Were Just Ahead Of Their Time.

Sometimes The Greatest Things Are The Most Embarrassing.

Sometimes When I Am Driving I Get So Angry At Inconsiderate Drivers That I Want To Scream At Them. But Then I Remember How Insignificant That Is, And I Thank God That I Have A Car And My Health And Gas. That Was Phrased Wrong-normally You Wouldn't Say, Thank God I Have Gas.

The Song 'if I Had A Hammer' Is Geared Toward People Who Don't Have A Hammer. Maybe Before I Had A Hammer I Thought I'd Hammer In The Morning And Hammer In The Evening. But Once You Get A Hammer, You Find You Don't Really Hammer As Much As You Thought You Would.

Nothing Says Holidays, Like A Cheese Log.

People Always Ask Me, 'were You Funny As A Child?' Well, No, I Was An Accountant.

Catch-and-release, That's Like Running Down Pedestrians In Your Car And Then, When They Get Up And Limp Away, Saying -- 'off You Go! That's Fine. I Just Wanted To See If I Could Hit You.'

I Am Saddened By How People Treat One Another And How We Are So Shut Off From One Another And How We Judge One Another, When The Truth Is, We Are All One Connected Thing. We Are All From The Same Exact Molecules.

Do You Live Each Day As If It's Your First Or Your Last? Either Way You Should Probably Have A Diaper On.

When There's Time For Whistling, There's A Lot Of Time On A Show.

I Think There's Too Much Mult-tasking Going On. I Think People Need To Quiet Down And Focus And Be Still More.

You Can Always Tell When The Relationship Is Over. Little Things Start Getting On Your Nerves, 'would You Please Stop That! That Breathing In And Out, It's So Repetitious.'

Funny Relationship

If You Want To Get Rid Of Stuff, You Can Always Do A Good Spring-cleaning. Or You Can Do What I Do. Move.

Hosting The Emmys Is A Challenge For Me. I Guess It's The Equivalent Of Someone Who Needs To Climb A Mountain Or Jump Out Of A Plane. It's That Kind Of Thing, Where This Could Go Terribly Wrong. And I Love The Feeling Of When It Goes Right.

If You're In A Position Where You Can Help Other People, There Is Nothing Better In Life Than Helping Other People. Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving

It`s Hard When Paparazzi Are Photographing Every Single Thing You Do. I'm Sure A Lot Of People Made Mistakes - They Just Were Not Documented The Way They Are Now.

I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things.

Dan: 'ah, Well, I Hope This Didn't Have Anything To Do With Me.' Ellen: 'no, Not Unless You Played Cat Woman In Batman.

You Know, Radio Dj's Must Really Love To Talk To Theirselves. Especially When They Have The Graveyard Shift. 'hey This Is Ellen With 89.1. It Is Currently Three In The Morning. There Are Few Cars On The Road. And It Your Still Listening Heres A Little Music To Get You To Dance.

I Want People To Like Me - But Not At My Expense. I Just Learned That There Are Too Many People Who Are Going To Have An Opinion About Me Whether I Am Kind To Them Or Not. I Can't Control What They're Feeling. I Am Not A Yeller And I Don't Have A Temper, But I Do Want People To Do Their Best. And If Someone Is A Friend And I See That They're Doing Stuff That Is Not Helping Them Grow, I Will Make It A Point To Talk To Them About It.

Have You Seen The Deer Heads On The Walls Of Bars, The Ones Wearing Party Hats, Sunglasses And Streamers? I Feel Sorry For Them Because Obviously They Were At A Party Having A Good Time.

I Prefer To Believe That People Are Good And Honest And Respect Me Enough To Tell Me The Truth. It's Not Easy To Find Those People All The Time, But They're Out There.

That Woman In The Shampoo Commercial - She's Happy. She's... She's Too Happy.

We Focus So Much On Our Differences, And That Is Creating, I Think, A Lot Of Chaos And Negativity And Bullying In The World. And I Think If Everybody Focused On What We All Have In Common - Which Is - We All Want To Be Happy.

My Dad Is Still Christian Scientist. My Mom's Not, And I'm Not. But I Believe In God, And That There's A Higher Power And An Intelligence That's Bigger Than Us And That We Can Rely On. It's Not Just Us, Thinking We Are The Ones In Control Of Everything. That Idea Gives Me Support.

There Are People Out There Hiding All Kinds Of Things. People Who Have All This Success And All This Fame And All This Money, And Yet There Are Secrets That They Think If We Found Out About, It Would Be Over For Them. And It's A Horrible Way To Live Whether You're Famous Or Not.

Some Celebrities, It's Interesting, Because They're Fantastic Playing A Character When Somebody Is Writing The Lines For Them, And They're Amazing Actors, But They're Not As Comfortable On Television In Front Of A Live Audience And Just Having A Conversation And Being Themselves.

It Feels Good. Kinda Like When You Have To Shut Your Computer Down, Just Sometimes When It Goes Crazy, You Just Shut It Down And When You Turn It On, It's Okay Again. That's What Meditation Is To Me.

Meditation Practice

Emote. It's Okay. It Shows You Are Thinking And Feeling.

You Know, It's Hard Work To Write A Book. I Can't Tell You How Many Times I Really Get Going On An Idea, Then My Quill Breaks. Or I Spill Ink All Over My Writing Tunic.

I Ask People Why They Have Deer Heads On Their Walls. They Always Say Because It's Such A Beautiful Animal. There You Go. I Think My Mother Is Attractive, But I Have Photographs Of Her.

Normally, I Try Not To Pay Attention To My Haters, But This Time I'd Like To Talk About It, Because My Haters Are My Motivators.

I'm A - I'm A, Um, A Godmother Which Is Just, That's Fun To Be A Godmother, She Is So Precious, She's The Light Of My Life, She's Two... Or Five Or Something, And She's, Uh... I Don't Know, I've Never Seen Her - The Pictures Are Precious, She Just Seems So, Y'know... She Lives Clear Across Town, I Don't Have That Kind Of Time, But, Um... Well, I Send Money And Stuff, It's Not Like I Don't Have A Connection...

Trying To Get The Talk Show, Looking Back On It, We Had To Beg A Lot Of Station Managers To Pick Up The Show Because People Thought No One Would Watch It Because I'm Openly Gay.

I Think Anybody Who Wants To Be President Has To Be A Politician, But I Would Like To Find Somebody Who's Coming From A Loving Place Instead Of A Political Place.

The Good Psychic Would Pick Up The Phone Before It Rang. Of Course It Is Possible There Was Noone On The Other Line. Once She Said "god Bless You" I Said, "i Didn't Sneeze" She Looked Deep Into My Eyes And Said, "you Will, Eventually." And Damn It If She Wasn't Right. Two Days Later I Sneezed.

You Say You're Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me? I've Got News For You: I'm Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me.

I Like Sitting At Outdoor Restaurants; It Would Be Nice To Go Someplace On The Street And Not Worry About Somebody Taking My Picture While I'm About To Take A Bite Of Something.

I Was Coming Home From Kindergarten - Well They Told Me It Was Kindergarten. I Found Out Later I Had Been Working In A Factory For Ten Years. It's Good For A Kid To Know How To Make Gloves.

Haiku Sounds Like I'm Saying Hi To Someone Named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

You Talk To Some People Who Are Opposed To Same Sex Marriage, And They'll Say, 'if We Allow That, What's Next? Will People Want To Marry Animals?'...you Have To Wonder About People Who Go Straight To That Idea --- And They Think We're Weird!

What Did The Letter O Say To Q? Dude, Your Dikk Is Hanging Out.

It's Our Challenges And Obstacles That Give Us Layers Of Depth And Make Us Interesting. Are They Fun When They Happen? No. But They Are What Make Us Unique.

While I Was Doing Stand-up, I Thought I Knew For Sure That Success Meant Getting Everyone To Like Me. So I Became Whoever I Thought People Wanted Me To Be. I'd Say Yes When I Wanted To Say No, And I Even Wore A Few Dresses.

I’d Like To Be More Patient! I Just Want Everything Now. I’ve Tried To Meditate, But It’s Really Hard For Me To Stay Still. I’d Like To Try To Force Myself To Do It, Because Everybody Says How Wonderful Meditation Is For You, But I Can’t Shut My Mind Up. So Patience And Learning Is The Key.

Beauty Is About Being Comfortable In Your Own Skin. It's About Knowing And Accepting Who You Are.

First Of All, I Don't Think They Have To Go That High. That Is Not Necessary, To Be That High In The Air. I Think They're Showing Off, Those Pilots. I Think We Could Just Go Really Fast Just A Few Feet Off The Ground. Just High Enough To Miss The Animals.

Most Comedy Is Based On Getting A Laugh At Somebody Else's Expense. And I Find That That's Just A Form Of Bullying In A Major Way. So I Want To Be An Example That You Can Be Funny And Be Kind, And Make People Laugh Without Hurting Somebody Else's Feelings.

Everybody Always Resolves To Start Exercising, But They Never Do. You Know Why ? Because It's January. Who Wants To Go Jogging In The Freezing Cold ?

If We're Destroying Our Trees And Destroying Our Environment And Hurting Animals And Hurting One Another And All That Stuff, There's Got To Be A Very Powerful Energy To Fight That. I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

I Would Love For The World To Be Happier.

My Life Is Perfect Even When It's Not.

The Word "yoga" Literally Means "uniting", Because When You're Doing It You Are Uniting Your Mind And Your Body. You Can Tell This Almost Immediately Because Your Mind Will Be Thinking, "ouch, That Hurts," And Your Body Will Say, "i Know." And Your Mind Will Think, "you Have To Get Out Of This Position." And Your Body Will Say, "i Agree With You, But I Can't Right Now. I Think I'm Stuck.

I Don't Know What People Are Scared Of...maybe They Think Their Children Will Be Influenced By Gay Marriage, But I've Got To Tell You, I Was Raised By Two Heterosexuals. Everywhere I Looked - Heterosexuals. And They Did Not Influence Me. It's Time We Love People For Who They Are And Let Them Love Who They Want.

I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

I'm A Fan Of People Getting Together.

Start Thinking Positively. You Will Notice A Difference. Instead Of 'i Think I'm A Loser,' Try 'i Definitely Am A Loser.' Stop Being Wishy-washy About Things! How Much More Of A Loser Can You Be If You Don't Even Know You Are One? Either You Are A Loser Or You Are Not. Which Is It, Stupid?

For A Long Time I Thought I Knew For Sure Who I Was. I Grew Up In New Orleans And Became A Comedian. And There Was Everything That Came Along With That. The Nightclubs. The Smoking. The Drinking. Then I Turned 13.

When I Decided To Have My Character On The Show Come Out, I Knew I Was Going To Have To Come Out, Too. I Never Wanted To Be The Lesbian Actress. I Never Wanted To Be The Spokesperson For The Gay Community. Ever. I Did It For My Own Truth.

You Know That Song That Asks, "why Do Fools Fall In Love?"? I Think The Obvious Answer Is Because They're Fools.

Falling In Love

Above All, I Strive To Be The Best I Can - To Be Better Than I Was Yesterday And Better Tomorrow.

Then You Have These People In The Movie Theaters That Talk The Whole Time During The Movie. You Ever Go With Somebody Like That To A Movie But You Don't Realize Until You Get There That You're With Somebody Like That? Brand New Movie. First Day It's Open. You're There Together And The Entire Time They're Sitting There: Where's She Going? Why'd He Do That? Is He Mad At Her? I Don't Know, Let's Watch And Find Out Together Shall We? You Know Who You Are. You're Denying It Right Now: I Do Not Do That. Why Is She Saying That?. What's She Gonna Say Next?

Meditation Is Helping Me Learn To Sit Still. Twenty Minutes Of Meditation In The Morning Is A Nice Way To Start My Day. If You Can Actually Sit Still And Really Get To That Place Of Silence, You Realize What's Important And What's Not Important. Little Things Don't Usually Get To Me Anymore.

No One Is Perfect, Except For Penélope Cruz.

I Always Like Using Different Muscles, You Can Take That However You Want. But Doing Something Once A Year Is Fantastic, I Highly Recommended It If You Can Do It. It's A Wonderful Thing, It's Very Freeing And I Can Put A Lot Of Energy And Attention Onto It And It's Something I Love Doing.

I've Moved About 10 Times Over The Past 15 Years. I Don't Move For The Sole Purpose Of Getting Rid Of Stuff. I'm Not Crazy. I Also Move So That I Never Have To Wash Any Windows.

There's Nothing I Know For Sure, Because I Know For Sure That Things Change.

People Love Gossip. It's The Biggest Thing That Keeps The Entertainment Industry Going.

I Talked To Beyonce And She Wants To Learn How To Speak Arabic And She Wants To Jump Out Of An Airplane. I Don't Want To Do That. I Just Don't Want To Wash My Hair Every Day.

My Hair Is Always At Its Best In New York. I Don't Know What's In The Water. It Could Be Mousse.

I Cannot Imagine Not Going Home To Animals. They Are The Closest Thing To God. They Don't Harbour Resentment.

The Only Thing That Scares Me More Than Space Aliens Is The Idea That There Aren't Any Space Aliens. We Can't Be The Best That Creation Has To Offer. I Pray We're Not All There Is. If So, We're In Big Trouble.

I Get Bored Easily, So I Need To Do A Lot. I've Started A Record Label, So I Get To Nurture New Talent And Talk About Music, Which Is A Passion Of Mine. I've Written Another Book. And I Get To Come To Work And Do The Tv Show, Which Is Always Really Fun.

I Don't Want To Take A Pill. Go To Africa, Go Follow Some Bushman Around. He's Being Chased By A Lion. That's Stress. You're Not Going To Find A Pygmy On Paxil, I'll Tell You That Right Now.

The Sixties Were When Hallucinogenic Drugs Were Really, Really Big. And I Don't Think It's A Coincidence That We Had The Type Of Shows We Had Then, Like The Flying Nun.

I've Learned 2 Things About Tv. It's Always Easier With Vodka & Some Of The Best Singers Are From The Philippines

I Watch People's Behavior And Notice Things. I Think That's Why I Became A Comedian. I Notice How Stupid The Things We Do Are.

One Rough Patch Is Not The Big Picture.

The Only Thing I Really Recommend, If You're Starting Out In Stand-up Is To Not Try To Copy Anybody Else. You Can Be Influenced By People. I Was Influenced By Steve Martin And Bob Newhart And Woody Allen, But I Never Tried To Be Someone Else. I Always Tried To Be Myself. And The Reason People Are Successful Is They're Unique.

Comedy Can Be, Especially In A Writer's Room, Really Aggressive, Kind Of A Very Male-dominated Room, And It Would Be Hard For Women. It's Not A Nurturing Place. It's Not Like A Lot Of Women Are Going To Say, I Can't Wait To Live That Lifestyle And Be In A Writer's Room Until 2 Or 3 A.m.

I Personally Chose To Go Vegan Because I Educated Myself On Factory Farming And Cruelty To Animals, And I Suddenly Realized That What Was On My Plate Were Living Things, With Feelings. And I Just Couldn't Disconnect Myself From It Any Longer. I Read Books Like 'diet For A New America' And Saw Documentaries Like 'earthlings' And 'meet Your Meat,' And It Became An Easy Choice For Me.

Just Go Up To Somebody On The Street And Say 'you're It!' And Then Run Away.

I Care Passionately About Equal Rights [and] Animal Rights.

Asking Who's The 'man' And Who's The 'woman' In A Same-sex Relationship Is Like Asking Which Chopstick Is The Fork.

Romance Often Begins By A Splashing Waterfall And Ends Over A Leaky Sink.

It's Failure That Gives You The Proper Perspective On Success.

Haters Are My Motivators

The Stand Up, Everything Was Accidental. I Never Grew Up And Was The Class Clown And Had To Get The Attention. It Was - It Really Is, I Have A Career Despite Myself.

I Get To Do Stand-up Every Single Day. I Love That Live Energy Exchange Between The Audience And Myself, And To Get To Say The Things I Want To Say And Comment On.

Do We Have To Know Who's Gay And Who's Straight? Can't We Just Love Everybody And Judge Them By The Car They Drive?

I Work Really Hard At Trying To See The Big Picture And Not Getting Stuck In Ego. I Believe We're All Put On This Planet For A Purpose, And We All Have A Different Purpose... When You Connect With That Love And That Compassion, That's When Everything Unfolds.

Life Is Short. If You Doubt Me, Ask A Butterfly. Their Average Life Span Is A Mere Five To Fourteen Days.

I Wonder What Will Happen If I Put A Hand Cream On My Feet, Will They Get Confused And Start Clapping?

Procrastination Isn't The Problem. It's The Solution. It's The Universe's Way Of Saying Stop, Slow Down, You Move Too Fast.

Procrastination

Portia And I Have Been Married For 4 Years And They Have Been The Happiest Of My Life. And In Those 4 Years, I Don't Think We Hurt Anyone Else's Marriage. I Asked All Of My Neighbors And They Say They're Fine

Did You Ever Feel Like The Whole World Was Going To A Party And Your Invitation Got Lost In The Mail?

It Makes A Big Difference In Your Life When You Stay Positive.

Quick Decision Makers Are Often Stuck Behind Annoying People In Line At Starbucks.

I Appreciate Your Giving My Book -- And In No Small Way, Me -- A Chance. To Thank You, I Really Wanted To Acknowledge All Of You In The Book. Unfortunately, I Didn't Have Enough Room For Each Name. So I've Put In A Code Name That Stands For All Of You Reading This Book. The Name Is 'mom.' It Will Be Our Little Secret. So When You See 'mom' In The Acknowledgments, You'll Know I'm Really Talking About You. And Don't Let My Mother Try To Tell You Otherwise.

We Use Only 10% Of Our Brains... Imagine How Smart We Would Be If We Used The Other 60%!

What You Look Like On The Outside Is Not What Makes You Cool At All. I Mean, I Had A Mullet And Wore Parachute Pants For A Long, Long Time, And I'm Doin' Okay.

Our Flaws Are What Makes Us Human. If We Can Accept Them As Part Of Who We Are, They Really Don't Even Have To Be An Issue.

A Circus! 100 Clowns Of Injustice Have Climbed Out Of The Tiny Clown Car Of This Court Room.

Designing Is My Hobby. If I Didn't Do What I Do For A Living - At Some Point When I Don't Do This For A Living - I'll Probably Just Do Design Work. I Love Finding Really Special Pieces Of Furniture.

It Is A Fundamental Right For People To Be Allowed To Love Who They Want To Love And Marry Who They Want To Marry And Stop Holding On To Some Form Of Discrimination That It's Just Isn't Fair.

There Is Something About Tm. It Is The Only Time I Have That Stillness... It Gives Me This Peaceful Feeling-i Just Love It So Much.

I Still Have The Shirt I Wore My First Time On Johnny Carson's Show. Only Now I Use It As A Tablecloth At Dinner Parties. It Was Very Blousy.

There Would Be Nothing To Get Me To Run For President. I Don't Even Understand How Anyone Would Want That Job At All. Although I Would Be Able To Play Golf Which I Don't Seem To Have Time Now.

I Think People Talk Too Much Anyway. Sometimes People Are Talking To Me And In My Mind I'm Just Like “shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Upblah Blah Blah Blah Blaaaaah.

I Would Love To Have The Same Rights As Everybody Else. I Would Love, I Don't Care If It's Called Marriage. I Don't Care If It's Called, You Know, Domestic Partnership. I Don't Care What It's Called.

There's Always Time To Do Things That You're Passionate About. ... If My Name Helps Get Something Out There That I Believe In Then I Am Going To Produce It. ... Design Is Really My True Love.

I Hope I Make People Feel Better. I Hope I Take People Out Of Their Situations A Little Bit And Make Them Happier. That's Really Why I Do What I Do.

When Life Gives You Lemons....they Could Really Be Oranges.

Life Gives You Lemons

I Always Worry When Someone's A Good Golfer. It's Like You Shouldn't Have Time To Be Good At Anything. You Should Just Be A Politician And You Shouldn't Have Time To Practice Golf.

Laugh. Laugh As Much As You Can. Laugh Until You Cry. Cry Until You Laugh. Keep Doing It Even If People Are Passing You On The Street Saying, "i Can't Tell If That Person Is Laughing Or Crying, But Either Way They Seem Crazy, Let's Walk Faster." Emote. It's Okay. It Shows You Are Thinking And Feeling.

The World Is Full Of A Lot Of Fear And A Lot Of Negativity, And A Lot Of Judgment. I Just Think People Need To Start Shifting Into Joy And Happiness. As Corny As It Sounds, We Need To Make A Shift.

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