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For Me, It's That I Contributed, ... That I'm On This Planet Doing Some Good And Making People Happy. That's To Me The Most Important Thing, That My Hour Of Television Is Positive And Upbeat And An Antidote For All The Negative Stuff Going On In Life.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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For Me, It's That

Ellen DeGeneres

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For Me, It's That I Contributed, ... That I'm On This Planet Doing Some Good And Making People Happy. That's To Me The Most Important Thing, That My Hour Of Television Is Positive And Upbeat And An Antidote For All The Negative Stuff Going On In Life.

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We're Told To Go On Living Our Lives As Usual, Because To Do Otherwise Is To Let The Terrorists Win, And Really, What Would Upset The Taliban More Than A Gay Woman Wearing A Suit In Front Of A Room Full Of Jews?

The First Time Probably People Really Were Aware Of Me, I Unfortunately Had The Title Of Showtime's Funniest Person In America. And That's A Really Tough Title To Travel Around With When You're Not Even Known.

I Think Anybody Who Wants To Be President Has To Be A Politician, But I Would Like To Find Somebody Who's Coming From A Loving Place Instead Of A Political Place.

The First Person I Learned I Could Make Happy With Laughter Was My Mother, Whom I Idolize. It Was A Powerful Thing To Realize. I Knew I Had Found My Life's Work.

I Learned Compassion From Being Discriminated Against. Everything Bad That's Ever Happened To Me Has Taught Me Compassion.

Don't You Hate When People Are Late To Work. And They Always Have The Worst Excuses. "oh, I'm Sorry I'm Late, Traffic." "traffic, Huh? How Do You Think I Got Here; Helicoptered In!?"

Do You Feel Insecure Because You Keep Getting The Nagging Feeling That You're Not That Smart? Well, I've Got Good News For You, My Friend. You Have No Need To Be Insecure. That Nagging Feeling Is Absolutely Right On Target. You Are Not That Smart. But I Have More Good News For You. You Are Also Not Alone.

I Think They Should Have A Barbie With A Buzz Cut.

You Know, If You're Going To Be Honest With Yourself, You Have To Admit That You Go Into Show Business Wanting People To Talk About You And Wanting Everyone To Know Who You Are. But That Also Means There Are Going To Be A Whole Bunch Of People Who Don't Like You. No Matter Who You Are. I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

There's No One Way To Dance. And That's Kind Of My Philosophy About Everything.

I'm Not An Activist; I Don't Look For Controversy. I'm Not A Political Person, But I'm A Person With Compassion. I Care Passionately About Equal Rights. I Care About Human Rights. I Care About Animal Rights.

You Say You're Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me? I've Got News For You: I'm Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me.

Sometimes The Greatest Things Are The Most Embarrassing.

I Get To Do Stand-up Every Single Day. I Love That Live Energy Exchange Between The Audience And Myself, And To Get To Say The Things I Want To Say And Comment On.

Answers To Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One Time In High School. Three Times In My Twenties. Rocks No Salt. Yes. Four. Never. And How Dare You! I Will Take No Further Questions.

If We Lose Our Phones, We Lose Our Phone Books. You Don't Memorize Numbers Anymore.

If You Want To Get Rid Of Stuff, You Can Always Do A Good Spring-cleaning. Or You Can Do What I Do. Move.

Haters Are My Motivators

For A Long Time I Thought I Knew For Sure Who I Was. I Grew Up In New Orleans And Became A Comedian. And There Was Everything That Came Along With That. The Nightclubs. The Smoking. The Drinking. Then I Turned 13.

I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things.

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But Seriously, I Think Overall In The Scheme Of Things Winning An Emmy Is Not Important. Let's Get Our Priorities Straight. I Think We All Know What's Really Important In Life - Winning An Oscar.

I Used To Beat Myself Up About Weight And Working Out, And No Matter What I Did I Never Felt Good About Myself. I Decided To Accept Myself And Know That I Am Good.

There Is Something About Tm. It Is The Only Time I Have That Stillness... It Gives Me This Peaceful Feeling-i Just Love It So Much.

Above All, I Strive To Be The Best I Can - To Be Better Than I Was Yesterday And Better Tomorrow.

I Had A Really Tough Time For A Few Years. My Show Was Gone. My Phone Wasn't Ringing. There Wasn't One Job Offer. And At That Point, I Thought I Knew For Sure That I Wouldn't Work In Hollywood Again.

When I Look Back On The Stuff I Used To Wear, I Wonder Why Somebody Didn't Try To Stop Me. Just A Friendly Warning, "you May Regret This," Would Have Been Fine.

Standup Is More Me Talking The Entire Time. There's Definitely An Exchange Of Energy Because That Room, That Audience, Is Giving Back.

I Collect Old Portraits. They're All Just Interesting Pictures Of People, And You Just Kind Of Wonder Who They Were And What They Were. There's A Guy - I Don't Know Who He Is, But He's Wearing A Suit. He's Got His Arms Folded, And He Looks Like He Sold Insurance Or Something. I'm Just Wondering Why Someone Painted Him.

We Focus So Much On Our Differences, And That Is Creating, I Think, A Lot Of Chaos And Negativity And Bullying In The World. And I Think If Everybody Focused On What We All Have In Common - Which Is - We All Want To Be Happy.

We're Just Trying To Find Happiness In The Bodies And Minds We Were Given, Like Everyone Else.

Finding Happiness

Life Is Short. If You Doubt Me, Ask A Butterfly. Their Average Life Span Is A Mere Five To Fourteen Days.

There Are People Out There Hiding All Kinds Of Things. People Who Have All This Success And All This Fame And All This Money, And Yet There Are Secrets That They Think If We Found Out About, It Would Be Over For Them. And It's A Horrible Way To Live Whether You're Famous Or Not.

Honestly, I Would Eat Cardboard Rather Than Go Back To Eating Animals.

We Have Two Dogs, Mabel And Wolf, And Three Cats At Home, Charlie, George And Chairman. We Have Two Cats On Our Farm, Tom And Little Sister, Two Horses, And Two Mini Horses, Hannah And Tricky. We Also Have Two Cows, Holy And Madonna. And Those Are Only The Animals We Let Sleep In Our Bed.

I Think People Talk Too Much Anyway. Sometimes People Are Talking To Me And In My Mind I'm Just Like “shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Upblah Blah Blah Blah Blaaaaah.

First Of All, I Don't Think They Have To Go That High. That Is Not Necessary, To Be That High In The Air. I Think They're Showing Off, Those Pilots. I Think We Could Just Go Really Fast Just A Few Feet Off The Ground. Just High Enough To Miss The Animals.

All The Commercials On Tv Today Are For Antidepressants, For Prozac Or Paxil. And They Get You Right Away. "are You Sad? Do You Get Stressed, Do You Have Anxiety?" "yes, I Have All Those Things! I'm Alive!"

The Legend Goes That St. Patrick Drove The Snakes Out Of Ireland. I Was Thinking... That Must Be Hard To Put All The Tiny Seatbelts On All The Snakes.

If You Want To Test Cosmetics, Why Do It On Some Poor Animal Who Hasn't Done Anything? They Should Use Prisoners Who Have Been Convicted Of Murder Or Rape Instead. So, Rather Than Seeing If Perfume Irritates A Bunny Rabbit's Eyes, They Should Throw It In Charles Manson's Eyes And Ask Him If It Hurts.

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...to Be Honest, I'd Be The Last Person Who Should Be Doling Out Gardeinng Advice. I Don't Have The Patience For Growing Things. Yes, I Realize There's Nothing Quite As Satisfying As Eating Food That You've Pulled Up From The Ground And That's Why, At The Height Of The Planting Season, I Bury Cans Of Tomato Soup In My Backyard And Dig Them Up In Late Spring.

When People Show Me Clothing That Seems Very, Very Feminine, It's Hard For Me To Embrace That, Because It Just Doesn't Feel Like Me.

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I Don't Want To Get The Same Looks I Give People When They Get On A Plane Holding A Baby: "that's A Cute Baby, Just Keep Walking, Keep Walking, Keep Going, Keep Going.

I Watch People's Behavior And Notice Things. I Think That's Why I Became A Comedian. I Notice How Stupid The Things We Do Are.

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Knowing Who You Are

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Actually This Is Really Funny - One Time She Accidentally Forgot To Leave A Note And I Had No Idea She Had Even Moved. I Was Living In The House With A Beautiful Mexican Family For Three Months Before I Realized They Weren't My Cousins Visiting From Out Of Town. They Were So Nice. They Called Me "quien Es, Quien Es," Which I Thought Was A Beautiful Name.

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That's What Life Is All About. There's A Lot Of Crying. So You'd Better Cry Now And Get Used To It.

If There Weren't Blacks, Jews And Gays, There Would No Oscars. Or Anyone Named Oscar, If You Think About That.

It Is A Fundamental Right For People To Be Allowed To Love Who They Want To Love And Marry Who They Want To Marry And Stop Holding On To Some Form Of Discrimination That It's Just Isn't Fair.

Even Before I Knew I Was Gay, I Knew I Didn't Want To Have A Child. I Knew I Didn't Want To Have One. I Never Want To Have To Release It From Me. Listen, I Love Babies. I Love Children. And I Melt When I'm Around Them. I Also Love My Freedom And I Love That I Can Sleep At Night.

I Would Love For The World To Be Happier.

I'm A Lesbian, An Aquarian, And A Vegetarian.

One Rough Patch Is Not The Big Picture.

Romance Often Begins By A Splashing Waterfall And Ends Over A Leaky Sink.

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Meditation Is Helping Me Learn To Sit Still. Twenty Minutes Of Meditation In The Morning Is A Nice Way To Start My Day. If You Can Actually Sit Still And Really Get To That Place Of Silence, You Realize What's Important And What's Not Important. Little Things Don't Usually Get To Me Anymore.

Really, He Called Me That? Ellen Degenerate? I've Been Getting That Since Fourth Grade. I Guess I'm Happy I Could Give Him Work.

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I Wanted To Have Money; I Wanted To Be Special; I Wanted People To Like Me; I Wanted To Be Famous.

We Stock Up On Popcorn And Candy Like We're Crossing The Sierras, Don't We? I'll Have A Couple Of Soft Pretzels, A Hot Dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is That The Largest Popcorn You've Got There, That Bucket? You Don't Have A Barrel Or Anything Like That? Do You Have A Donkey Or A Pack Mule Or Anything? - Oh, And A Diet Coke.

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I Have An Amazing Team, I Have Amazing Producers, I Have Amazing Writers, But At The End Of It, It's Me Making The Decisions On The Writing, The Tone, The Editing.

I'm A Godmother, That's A Great Thing To Be, A Godmother. She Calls Me God For Short, That's Cute, I Taught Her That.

Comedy Can Be, Especially In A Writer's Room, Really Aggressive, Kind Of A Very Male-dominated Room, And It Would Be Hard For Women. It's Not A Nurturing Place. It's Not Like A Lot Of Women Are Going To Say, I Can't Wait To Live That Lifestyle And Be In A Writer's Room Until 2 Or 3 A.m.

For Someone Like Me, Who Loves To Sweat And Push Herself, It's A Challenge To Slow Down, To Sit, To Breathe And Hold Poses.

Here Are The Values That I Stand For: Honesty, Equality, Kindness, Compassion, Treating People The Way You Want To Be Treated And Helping Those In Need. To Me, Those Are Traditional Values.

I Like Sitting At Outdoor Restaurants; It Would Be Nice To Go Someplace On The Street And Not Worry About Somebody Taking My Picture While I'm About To Take A Bite Of Something.

The Most Important Thing In Your Life Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And To Not Give In To Peer Pressure To Try To Be Something That You're Not.

[airline Food] Is The Tiniest Food I've Ever Seen In My Entire Life. Any Kind Of Meat That You Get - Chicken, Steak, Anything - Has Grill Marks On Each Side, Like Somehow We'll Actually Believe There's An Open-flame Grill In The Front Of The Plane.

What's New Orleans Without Music? And What's Music Without Dancing?

I Don't Really Ever Live My Life In Fear. I Really Live My Life In Gratitude And Feeling Positive For The Most Part.

I'm On The Patch Right Now. Where It Releases Small Dosages Of Approval Until I No Longer Crave It, And Then I'm Gonna Rip It Off.

If You're In A Position Where You Can Help Other People, There Is Nothing Better In Life Than Helping Other People. Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm A - I'm A, Um, A Godmother Which Is Just, That's Fun To Be A Godmother, She Is So Precious, She's The Light Of My Life, She's Two... Or Five Or Something, And She's, Uh... I Don't Know, I've Never Seen Her - The Pictures Are Precious, She Just Seems So, Y'know... She Lives Clear Across Town, I Don't Have That Kind Of Time, But, Um... Well, I Send Money And Stuff, It's Not Like I Don't Have A Connection...

What Did The Letter O Say To Q? Dude, Your Dikk Is Hanging Out.

Sometimes You Can't See Yourself Clearly Until You See Yourself Through The Eyes Of Others.

The World Is Filled With Negativity. I Want People To Watch Me And Think, “i Feel Good, And I’m Going To Make Somebody Else Feel Good Today.

We All Feel Like Idiots At One Time Or Another. Even If We Feel We're Cool 98 Percent Of The Time, That 2-percent Doofus Is Poised To Take Over Our Bodies Without Any Warning.

Usually, I Wear Tennis Shoes Because My Feet Are Flat, And It Hurts To Wear Anything Other Than Shoes That Are Cushiony.

We Can Sit And Worry About What's Going To Happen To Us Two Weeks From Now. I'd Rather Focus On The Amazing Things Happening Right In Front Of Us.

I Would Love To Have The Same Rights As Everybody Else. I Would Love, I Don't Care If It's Called Marriage. I Don't Care If It's Called, You Know, Domestic Partnership. I Don't Care What It's Called.

It Must Be Around Forty, When You're "over The Hill." I Don't Even Know What That Means And Why It's A Bad Thing. When I Go Hiking And I Get Over The Hill, That Means I'm Past The Hard Part And There's A Snack In My Future. That's A Good Thing As Far As I'm Concerned.

Funny Inspirational

No Matter How Popular You Are As A Stand-up - You Can Go Out And Fill A 10,000-seat Arena And Be Smart And Funny - It's Delicate To Host An Awards Show And Know Where Your Place Is And Know That It's Not About You, That It's About The People Who Are Nominated, And Respect That, But At The Same Time Have Your Moment To Show Them Who You Are.

I Don't Understand The Sizes Anymore. There's A Size Zero, Which I Didn't Even Know That They Had. It Must Stand For: 'ohhh My God, You're Thin.'

When Life Gives You Lemons....they Could Really Be Oranges.

Life Gives You Lemons

It's So Much Better For Me To Do A Talk Show. You Still Have That Energy Of The Audience, And The Audience Is Just As Important As That Guest That's Sitting Next To Me. It's Not About Me And That Guest Exchanging Energy And Talking. It's About Everything That's Going On In That Room, And They're As Much A Part Of The Show As Anything. I Like This Better Than Anything I've Ever Done.

Things Will Get Easier, People's Minds Will Change, And You Should Be Alive To See It.

We Went To Lunch And Were Talking About Procrastination And The Waitress Overheard Us And She Said, 'i Have A Problem With Procrastination, Too.' I Said 'really?... Get My Sandwich.'

Procrastination

All Of My Friends Were Seeing A Therapist, And I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me That I Didn't See A Therapist. So I Went To A Therapist To Find Out Why I Wasn't Seeing A Therapist. And It Turns Out I'm Very Screwed Up. Thank God I Found A Therapist To Tell Me For $125 An Hour.

There Are People Who Study Germs. I Believe They Are Called Germans

Have You Seen The Deer Heads On The Walls Of Bars, The Ones Wearing Party Hats, Sunglasses And Streamers? I Feel Sorry For Them Because Obviously They Were At A Party Having A Good Time.

Some Celebrities, It's Interesting, Because They're Fantastic Playing A Character When Somebody Is Writing The Lines For Them, And They're Amazing Actors, But They're Not As Comfortable On Television In Front Of A Live Audience And Just Having A Conversation And Being Themselves.

You Listen To Any Monologue On Late-night Tv Or Just In General, To People Talking, And There's Always A Joke At Someone's Expense. It's Sarcasm; It's Nasty. Kids Grow Up Hearing That, And They Think That's What Humor Is, And They Think It's Ok. But That Negativity Permeates The Entire Planet.

It's Nice When People Love You....for You.

I Was Coming Home From Kindergarten - Well They Told Me It Was Kindergarten. I Found Out Later I Had Been Working In A Factory For Ten Years. It's Good For A Kid To Know How To Make Gloves.

When There's Time For Whistling, There's A Lot Of Time On A Show.

Be Open To Learning New Lessons, Even If They Contradict The Lessons You Learned Yesterday.

You Know Me. Any Excuse To Put On A Dress.

What Would Bug The Taliban More Than Seeing A Gay Woman In A Suit Surrounded By Jews?

I Ask People Why They Have Deer Heads On Their Walls. They Always Say Because It's Such A Beautiful Animal. There You Go. I Think My Mother Is Attractive, But I Have Photographs Of Her.

Catch-and-release, That's Like Running Down Pedestrians In Your Car And Then, When They Get Up And Limp Away, Saying -- 'off You Go! That's Fine. I Just Wanted To See If I Could Hit You.'

You Know, It's Hard Work To Write A Book. I Can't Tell You How Many Times I Really Get Going On An Idea, Then My Quill Breaks. Or I Spill Ink All Over My Writing Tunic.

I Like Being Busy And Juggling A Lot Of Things At The Same Time. I Get Bored Easily, So I Need To Do A Lot.

If We Don’t Want To Define Ourselves By Things As Superficial As Our Appearances, We’re Stuck With The Revolting Alternative Of Being Judged By Our Actions.

I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

My Point Is, Life Is About Balance. The Good And The Bad. The Highs And The Lows. The Pina And The Colada.

I Know That Experts Say You're More Likely To Get Hurt Crossing The Street Than You Are Flying, But That Doesn't Make Me Any Less Frightened Of Flying. If Anything, It Makes Me More Afraid Of Crossing The Street.

I've Been Trying To Find Women Writers For My Staff For A While Now And I Have Three Women On My Staff And Three Guys So It's Pretty Equal. I Don't Know Why That Is. It's Been The Same Thing For A While. It's Hard For Female Comedians To Stand Out. That's Weird. That's A Shame.

In The Beginning There Was Nothing. God Said, 'let There Be Light!' And There Was Light. There Was Still Nothing, But You Could See It A Whole Lot Better.

I Just Feel Like Every Kid Is Growing Up Too Fast And They're Seeing Too Much. Everything Is About Sex, And That's Fine For Me. I'm Not Saying I Don't Like It. But I Don't Think It Should Be Everywhere, Where Kids Are Exposed To Everything Sexual. Because They Have To Have Some Innocence; There's Just No Innocence Left.

The Definition Of Success Changes. Success Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And Not Give In To Peer Pressure To Be Something You're Not. Follow Your Passion, Stay True To Yourself, Never Follow Someone Else's Path; Unless You're In The Woods And You're Lost And You See A Path, Then By All Means, You Should Follow That.

I Don't Want To Take A Pill. Go To Africa, Go Follow Some Bushman Around. He's Being Chased By A Lion. That's Stress. You're Not Going To Find A Pygmy On Paxil, I'll Tell You That Right Now.

I Do It Because I Love Animals And I Saw The Reality. And I Just Couldn't Ignore It Anymore. I'm Healthier For It, I'm Happier For It. I Can't Imagine That If You're Putting Something In Your Body That Is Filled With Fear Or Anxiety Or Pain, That That Isn't Somehow Going To Be Inside Of You.

I Get Bored Easily, So I Need To Do A Lot. I've Started A Record Label, So I Get To Nurture New Talent And Talk About Music, Which Is A Passion Of Mine. I've Written Another Book. And I Get To Come To Work And Do The Tv Show, Which Is Always Really Fun.

Dan: 'ah, Well, I Hope This Didn't Have Anything To Do With Me.' Ellen: 'no, Not Unless You Played Cat Woman In Batman.

Now,i'm No Scientist,but I Know What Endorphins Are. They're Tiny Little Magical Elves That Swim Through Your Blood Stream And Tell Funny Jokes To Each Other. When They Reach Your Brain,you Hear What They're Saying And That Boosts Your Health And Happiness. "knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little Endorphin... Little Endorphin Who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And Then The Endorphins Laugh And Then You Laugh. See? Its Science.

I Put A Basketball In Front Of George Clooney's Door And Sprayed It With Supermodel Perfume To Lure Him Out.

People Give Me Such A Hard Time Because I Don't Wear Dresses. What's That Got To Do With Anything?

You're Gonna Be Ok, Dum De Dum Dum Dum, Just Dance.

What Goes Up Must Come Down, Which Is Why I Don't Wear Tube Tops.

I Had Done A Sitcom And A Movie And Hosted The Emmys, And All Of A Sudden, I Lost Everything. As Someone Put It At The Time, I Was Suddenly Like A Ferrari In Neutral.

Lost Everything

I Enjoy Growing Older And Wiser And Learning From My Mistakes Every Single Day.

Procrastination Isn't The Problem. It's The Solution. It's The Universe's Way Of Saying Stop, Slow Down, You Move Too Fast.

Procrastination

I Get Those Fleeting, Beautiful Moments Of Inner Peace And Stillness - And Then The Other 23 Hours And 45 Minutes Of The Day, I'm A Human Trying To Make It Through In This World.

There's Always Time To Do Things That You're Passionate About. ... If My Name Helps Get Something Out There That I Believe In Then I Am Going To Produce It. ... Design Is Really My True Love.

Did You Ever Feel Like The Whole World Was Going To A Party And Your Invitation Got Lost In The Mail?

I'm Not Going To Say Who Looks The Most Beautiful, But It's Clear. It's Jared Leto. I Mean, He's The Prettiest. Boy Is He Pretty

I'm Sure Men Have Their Own Ways Of Trying To Demean One Another, But Women Can Be Very Gossipy And Judgmental, And That Doesn't Help.

I'm So Unfamiliar With The Gym, I Call It James!

The Word "yoga" Literally Means "uniting", Because When You're Doing It You Are Uniting Your Mind And Your Body. You Can Tell This Almost Immediately Because Your Mind Will Be Thinking, "ouch, That Hurts," And Your Body Will Say, "i Know." And Your Mind Will Think, "you Have To Get Out Of This Position." And Your Body Will Say, "i Agree With You, But I Can't Right Now. I Think I'm Stuck.

When You Take Risks You Learn That There Will Be Times When You Succeed And There Will Be Times When You Fail, And Both Are Equally Important. It's Hard To Understand Failure When You're Going Through It, But In The Grand Scheme Of Things It's Good To Fall Down - Not Because You're Drunk And Not Near Stairs.

You're Never Too Old To Play. You're Only Too Old For Low-rise Jeans.

People Love Their Animals So Much So That They Put Little Clothes On Them And Necklaces And Booties And Things Like That. And If You Love Your Animal, Then You Should Feed Them Something That's Not Dangerous For Them. There's A Lot Of Poisonous Stuff That They're Putting In A Lot Of That Food, Those By-products.

I Never See The Glass Half Empty Because I Drink Out The Bottle

Procrastinate Now, Don't Put It Off.

Procrastination

Sometimes Something Being Taken Away From You Is Exactly What You Need To Take A Look At Yourself.

Please Raise Your Children With Love And Non-judgement. Tell Them Everyone Has The Right To Love Who They Want To Love. It Shouldn’t Threaten You Or Who You Are.

My Hair Is Always At Its Best In New York. I Don't Know What's In The Water. It Could Be Mousse.

Quick Decision Makers Are Often Stuck Behind Annoying People In Line At Starbucks.

That Woman In The Shampoo Commercial - She's Happy. She's... She's Too Happy.

There's Nothing I Know For Sure, Because I Know For Sure That Things Change.

I Think The Hard Thing About This Job [stand-up] I Mean, I Think This Part Is Great But That The Traveling Is Y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm Gone A Lot From Home And This Time I'm Out For Three-and-a-half Weeks Without Going Home, And That's Hard, To Be Gone Three-and-a-half Weeks 'cause Then I Have To Ask My Friends, "would You Mind Going To The House And Watering The Plants, And Turn Some Lights On And Make It Look Like Somebody's Home, And Make Sure That The Mobile Over The Crib Isn't Tangled Or The Baby's Gonna Get Bored.

I Had Everything I'd Hoped For, But I Wasn't Being Myself. So I Decided To Be Honest About Who I Was. It Was Strange: The People Who Loved Me For Being Funny Suddenly Didn't Like Me For Being... Me.

I Admire People Who Know They Can't Sing. There Are So Many People Out There Who Can't Sing, But They Think They Can, So They Sing A Lot.

Faith Is Part Of Who I Am, Yes. I Was Raised Christian Scientist. The Most Important Thing I Saw Every Single Week On The Wall At Sunday School Was The Golden Rule: "do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You."

I Became Vegan Because I Saw Footage Of What Really Goes On In The Slaughterhouses And On The Dairy Farms.

When I Was Younger I Thought Success Was Something Different. I Thought, " When I Grow Up, I Want To Be Famous. I Want To Be A Star. I Want To Be In Movies. When I Grow Up I Want To See The World, Drive Nice Cars. I Want To Have Groupies." But My Idea Of Success Is Different Today. For Me, The Most Important Thing In Your Life Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And Not To Give Into Peer Pressure, To Try To Be Something That You're Not. To Live Your Life As An Honest And Compassionate Person. To Contribute In Some Way.

Designing Is My Hobby. If I Didn't Do What I Do For A Living - At Some Point When I Don't Do This For A Living - I'll Probably Just Do Design Work. I Love Finding Really Special Pieces Of Furniture.

Do Things That Make You Happy Within The Confines Of The Legal System.

Penguins Mate For Life. Which Doesn't Really Surprise Me, Because They All Look Exactly Alike. It's Not Like They're Gonna Meet A Better-looking Penguin Someday.

Asking Who's The 'man' And Who's The 'woman' In A Same-sex Relationship Is Like Asking Which Chopstick Is The Fork.

Haiku Sounds Like I'm Saying Hi To Someone Named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

If Anybody Could Put Themselves In That Situation Of Feeling A Giant Loud Voice Saying You Don't Deserve The Same Rights, You Are Different And You Are Not Equal, It Feels Really Bad.

My Dad Is Still Christian Scientist. My Mom's Not, And I'm Not. But I Believe In God, And That There's A Higher Power And An Intelligence That's Bigger Than Us And That We Can Rely On. It's Not Just Us, Thinking We Are The Ones In Control Of Everything. That Idea Gives Me Support.

I Personally Chose To Go Vegan Because I Educated Myself On Factory Farming And Cruelty To Animals, And I Suddenly Realized That What Was On My Plate Were Living Things, With Feelings. And I Just Couldn't Disconnect Myself From It Any Longer. I Read Books Like 'diet For A New America' And Saw Documentaries Like 'earthlings' And 'meet Your Meat,' And It Became An Easy Choice For Me.

I Prefer To Believe That People Are Good And Honest And Respect Me Enough To Tell Me The Truth. It's Not Easy To Find Those People All The Time, But They're Out There.

Here's The Analogy. If My Body Were A Car, I'd Be Thinking About Trading It In Around Now. I Would Like To Upgrade. I Would Be Actually On The Lot Somewhere And Some Guy With A Loud Sports Jacket Would Be Sizing Me Up...kinda Lookin' Around Goin--maybe Kickin My Knees. Looking Behind Me Going: That Looks A Little Bashed In Back There...yeah. You Mind If I Check Under The Hood?" 'well Yes I Do! Thank You Very Much.

Contribute To The World. Help People. Help One Person. Help Someone Cross The Street Today. Help Someone With Directions Unless You Have A Terrible Sense Of Direction. Help Someone Who Is Trying To Help You. Just Help. Make An Impact. Show Someone You Care. Say Yes Instead Of No. Say Something Nice. Smile. Make Eye Contact. Hug. Kiss. Get Naked.

I Get Home At The End Of The Day And I Don't Want To Talk. All I Want To Do Is Lay On The Floor And Pet My Dogs And My Cats.

You Can Always Tell When The Relationship Is Over. Little Things Start Getting On Your Nerves, 'would You Please Stop That! That Breathing In And Out, It's So Repetitious.'

Funny Relationship

I Hate Having To Do Small Talk. I'd Rather Talk About Deep Subjects. I'd Rather Talk About Meditation, Or The World, Or The Trees Or Animals, Than Small, Inane, You Know, Banter.

I'm Going To Be Kind, Because Then It All Just Kind Of Spreads, And The World Is A Little Nicer Out There.

There Are “well-known Secrets” Out There And There Are People Who Are “so Happy They Could Die.” Sometimes People Are So Sad They Have To Laugh And Sometimes Things Feel So Wrong, They’re Right. Basically What I’m Saying Is, I Usually Don’t Know What People Are Talking About.

The Thing Everyone Should Realize Is That The Key To Happiness Is Being Happy For Yourself And Yourself.

Key To Happiness

The Stand Up, Everything Was Accidental. I Never Grew Up And Was The Class Clown And Had To Get The Attention. It Was - It Really Is, I Have A Career Despite Myself.

I Gotta Work Out. I Keep Saying It All The Time. I Keep Saying I Gotta Start Working Out. Its Been About Two Months Since I've Worked Out. And I Just Don't Have The Time. Which Uh..is Odd. Because I Have The Time To Go Out To Dinner. And Uh..and Watch Tv. And Get A Bone Density Test. And Uh.. Try To Figure Out What My Phone Number Spells In Words.

I Wonder What Will Happen If I Put A Hand Cream On My Feet, Will They Get Confused And Start Clapping?

Who Needs Sleep? I Laugh In The Face Of Sleep!

The Only Thing I Really Recommend, If You're Starting Out In Stand-up Is To Not Try To Copy Anybody Else. You Can Be Influenced By People. I Was Influenced By Steve Martin And Bob Newhart And Woody Allen, But I Never Tried To Be Someone Else. I Always Tried To Be Myself. And The Reason People Are Successful Is They're Unique.

I Was Raised That You Don't Use Something Nice Until There's Someplace To Go.

It Was So Important For Me To Lose Everything, Because I Found Out What The Most Important Thing Is, Which Is To Be True To Yourself.

Be True To Yourself

It's Our Challenges And Obstacles That Give Us Layers Of Depth And Make Us Interesting.

Take A Nap In A Fireplace And You'll Sleep Like A Log.

Friends Will Write Me Letters. They Run Out Of Room On The Front Of The Letter. They Write 'over' On The Bottom Of The Letter. Like I'm That Much Of A Moron. Like I Need That There. Because If It Wasn't There, I'd Get To The Bottom Of The Page: 'and So Kathy And I Went Shopping And We--' That's The Craziest Thing! I Don't Know Why She Would Just End It That Way.

I've Moved About 10 Times Over The Past 15 Years. I Don't Move For The Sole Purpose Of Getting Rid Of Stuff. I'm Not Crazy. I Also Move So That I Never Have To Wash Any Windows.

I Just Want To Find Somebody Special, Somebody That I Click With.

I Think Gender Plays A Part In Most Things, But I Don't Know How It Would Be Different Because I've Never Been A Man. And My Fame Is Different From Nicole Kidman's Or Sharon Stone's. I Think Everybody's Fame Is Different.

I Was Raised In An Atmosphere Of 'everything's Fine.' But As I Got Older, I Was Like, 'well No, Everything's Not Fine. There Is Stuff That's Sad.' I Am A Really Sensitive Person. I Think I Am Too Sensitive Sometimes.

Sensitive Person

In The 80's We Had High, High, Waisted Pants, That If They Came Up Any Higher They'd Have To Go Up Another Size, If You Know What I Mean.

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