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So Here Are Some Foolproof Recipes For Those Of You Who Understand The True Function Of Food. Bean Treat: Gingerly Pour Four Fluid Oz Of Beans Or Something Into A Jug. Cry. Eat The Beans From The Jug And Pour The Rest From The Can Down Your Throat. N.b. These Taste Better If They Belong To Somebody Else In Your House. Pain Au Dunk: Fists Of Bread, Rent From The Loaf And Dunked Into Anything Runnier Than Bread. Should Eat At Least Six Of These Because…you Should. Don’t Toast The Bread. Toast Is Cookery.

-Dylan Moran

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So Here Are Some

Dylan Moran

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So Here Are Some Foolproof Recipes For Those Of You Who Understand The True Function Of Food. Bean Treat: Gingerly Pour Four Fluid Oz Of Beans Or Something Into A Jug. Cry. Eat The Beans From The Jug And Pour The Rest From The Can Down Your Throat. N.b. These Taste Better If They Belong To Somebody Else In Your House. Pain Au Dunk: Fists Of Bread, Rent From The Loaf And Dunked Into Anything Runnier Than Bread. Should Eat At Least Six Of These Because…you Should. Don’t Toast The Bread. Toast Is Cookery.

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Vodka! That's A Child's Drink, Why Am I Drinking This Stupid Drink, Oh And Why Am I On A Traffic Island?

I Wanted To Show Off - A Simple Impulse Or Drive; In Much The Same Way As Some Kids Wanted To Play Football, I Wanted To Show Off. Not Complicated In That Sense, Very Natural; It Just Depends On How You Want To Show Off.

Shame Is One Of The Greatest Aphrodisiacs In The World, Anyway, Built Into Religion.

Kids, They Are Always Hurting Themselves. It's Like, "quick, Get Me To Casualty Quick!" While Your Doing Something Important Like Sitting Down Picking Your Ear.

The Sensible Thing For Everyone To Do Would Be To Write All Their Op-eds And Think Pieces Now So They're Ready The Day After The Election When [donald] Trump Is No Longer In The Picture. God, I Can't Wait For That. I Hope He Just Goes Away.

Why Do I Even Dare To Think I Could Dream I Could Imagine I Could Hope?!

I Used To Live With Two Other Guys. We Used To Cook Two Things. The First One Was Called 'cheese... Thing' And That Was Where You Get Something And You Melt Cheese Over It And The First One To Guess What It Is Doesn't Have To Wash Up. That's Obviously Quite Mediterranean; The Other One Was Less Complex. It Was Just Called 'cheese Fantasy.' That's Where You Come In, Very Drunk, At About Five In The Morning And Find An Apple And Just Pretend There's Some Cheese On It.

I Don't Have Lungs Anymore! Just Two Spare Bags That Flew In Under A Bridge One Day.

I Do Think It's Perfectly Natural And Human To Want To Invest Belief In Something. It's Just A Facet Of Who We Are. What Do I Believe In? I Believe In The Obvious Things. The People I'm Close To And My Work - It's Not Complicated.

I'm Just A Guy Who Happens To Work In Public From Time To Time. I've Built A Reputation As An Established Comic, Not As A Celebrity - A Celebrity Is Someone Who Is Famous But Doesn't Do Anything.

I'd Be Hard-pressed To Think Of Anybody Who's Made Me Laugh, Who's Funny, But Who's Also Relentlessly Positive.

Oh How I Hate You. I Hate You So Much It Gives Me Energy. I Have To Get Up Early In The Morning Just To Hate You, Because There's Not Enough Time In The Day! Please Go Away!

‎what's The Weather Like? ... It's Fierce Mild!

I Don't Know That You're Able To Measure Your Aggregate Wisdom As You Go Through Life. I Can't Say That I Ever Feel That I'm Sitting On Top Of A Growing Mound Of Wisdom.

I Can't Swim. I Can't Drive, Either. I Was Going To Learn To Drive But Then I Thought, Well, What If I Crash Into A Lake?

I Get A Phone Call Once Every 18 Months From Some Mad Person Who Wants Me To Do Something For Less Than No Money And They Give Me About A Week's Notice. That's My Film Career, Most Of The Time.

[washington] Is The Political Capital. It's Essentially A Big Office.

People Do Need A Social License To Go, "ha Ha Ha," And Have A Good Time. It's A Strange Thing. There's A Lot Of Social Ritual Around Comedy And Laughter. It's A Bonding Experience For Groups, But Nobody Can Tell You Much About How Funny Somebody Is. Sometimes People Just Need To Be In A Group And Be Laughing Together, Just Like They Need To Be In A Group In Watching Some Really Terrifying Film.

If You Covered A Broom Handle With Oil And Shoved It Up My Arse, Then Put Me On A Trampoline, In A Lift, I Could Write A Better Song On The Walls.

It Probably Says Something Really Clinically Terrible About My Character That I Need To Get Up On A Stage And Go 'ra Ra Ra' In Front Of People.

Of Course People Are Angry. Generation Upon Generation Had Jobs At Steel Mills Or Whatever - Things Were Going On And It Looked Like It Would Always Be That Way. And Then There's These Cataclysmic Changes And People Find Themselves Out On Their Arse And They're Angry And They Want Answers. But One Thing That's For Sure Is That Those Answers Will Not Come In The Form Of Donald J. Trump.

Everybody Does That Now. We All Take Pics... You Do The Same With Holiday Photos. You Record Something To Look Back On It, Even Though You’re Not Really There When You’re Taking The Picture 'cause You’re Too Busy Recording It; So You Retrospectively Go To Look Back On Where You Weren’t And Tell Yourself You Had A Good Time.

I Quite Fancy The 1940s. I Like The Trams And The Trousers.

What Are Children Anyway? Midget Drunks. They Greet You In The Morning By Kneeing You In The Face And Talking Gibberish. They Can't Even Walk Straight.

I Was Fat! I Was Pustule-rich! I Looked Like A Pink Human Grenade! When Did I Blossom Into The Irresistible Little Orchid That I Am Now? I Don't Know. Getting Taller Helps. It Spreads Out A Bit.

Because Their Bones Are Growing, They Can Only Sleep In Certain Positions, Obviously. The Crucifix And The Swastika Tend To Be The Most Popular. Sometimes A Combination Of The Two.

You Exaggerate Your Own Reactions.

One Thing That's Coming Up A Lot Is: Are You As Grumpy As You Appear From This Black Books Thing.

I Was Lucky In The Sense That I Was Never Blessed With An Overly Reflective Nature.

Fruit... It's Just God Showing Off. "look At All The Colours I Know!"

Its Not Easy Being A Man You Know. I Had To Get Dressed Today… And There Are Other Pressures.

It's Easy To Smile When You Have A Squirrel's Intellect.

I Thought The Office Was Good, Though I Didn't Think Of It As A Sitcom, Just As A Very Good Programme.

And Yet, People Still Turn To Jesus. You Will Notice Though That The Kind Of People Who Turn To Jesus Tend To Be The Sort Of People Who Haven't Done That Well With Everybody Else.

You’re Not Going To Learn Anything If You’re Not Prepared To Go Flat, So I’m Very Happy To Go Flat.

I'm Irish, Yeah, But I Don't Need To Get Up On A Soapbox About It.

Then You Get These Articles About How Unhealthy Life Is In The City. You Know; Mobile Phone Tumours - Far More Likely In The City. Well You Know What, So Is Everything Else! Including Sex, Coffee And Conversation.

You See The Button With The Guy With The Tray, And You Push It, And He Arrives With A Sandwich! And You Think: "yes! Yes! I Control Sandwich Monkey! I Live In Magic Land, Magic Land, Magic Land"

He Could Dismiss Several Schools Of Philosophy By Shifting Slightly In His Chair Or Toting His Whisky Glass.

When You Say 'bedtime, Bedtime, Bedtime!' That's Not What The Child Hears. What The Child Hears Is 'lie Down In The Dark... For Hours... And Don't Move... I'm Locking The Door Now.'

I Always Try To Address Where I Am. I'll Talk To The People And Try To Find Out What It Is About That Particular Place That Makes It Distinct From Everywhere Else.

The Terror Of Failure Can Make You Feel Like A Failure. So A Bunch Of People Think You're Not Very Good At Your Thing. How Much Do You Invest In What They Say? How Much Do You Care? Failure Is Not Putting Yourself On The Line.

There Are Two Types Of Wine Essentially, And Everybody Knows This. There's The One Where You Drink It And Go, "mmmm, Well That's Ok, Can We Get 8 Of Those Please, Give Us 8 Of Those." There's The Other One, You Know, Where You Go "ga... Bt... Jesus, What Is That?" Very, Very Occasionally I Concede You Will Hit A Subtle One. You Know, Where You Go "ga... Ba... Ah, Actually That's Not That Bad, That Is. It's Quite Nice."

Two Young, Fit, Healthy Attractive People In Love? There’s Nothing Worse To Look At In The World.

I Never Thought I Want To Do Anything, Really, Except Not Go To Work Properly And Turn Up At The Same Place Every Day And Eat Sandwiches In The Same Canteen, If I Can Possibly Help It, As I Don't Think I'd Be Very Good At It.

I've Got Better Things To Do Than Read Rubbish About Myself.

Better Things To Do

You've A Very Important, Early Decision To Make In Your Life: Are You Going To Be Alone, Or Are You Going To Be With Somebody Else? Are You Going To Be Sane, Or Not Lonely? A Couple Is A Strange Thing; It's An Organism That's Half As Intelligent As The Most Intelligent Member. And You Both Know Who It Is!

I Did Throw A Lot Of Eggs Into One Basket, As You Do In Your Teenage Years - 'i Am Buying These Records, I Am Wearing This'. I Did Quite A Bit Of That. You Have To Do It, Wear Your Stupid Shoes, Wear Your Stupid Hair.

I Never Really Had A Career, To Be Honest With You. I Never In My Life Sat Down And Planned It. I Have Thought, 'oh, I'd Like To Do This,' Like Anybody Would. But I'm Not The Type That Says, 'if I Do This, It Will Lead To That.'

I'm A Quitter. I Come From A Long Line Of Quitters. It's Amazing I'm Here At All.

You Achieve The Surreal Jokes Through The Realism By Making It Elastic.

Irish People Give Big Hellos And Very Little Goodbyes. Unless They're Female, And Then They Spend Five Hours Talking In The Doorway To The Person That's Leaving Their House.

I Enjoy Performing, Always, But When You're Taping A Gig, You've Got To Blank Out This Mass Apparatus Of Self-consciousness That's Surrounding You, This Invitation To Drown In Self-consciousness. Otherwise You Just Won't Be Able To Do Anything.

Have I Had Therapy? I Went To A Yoga Class Once.

I'm Just Trying To Understand What's Around Me As Much As Anyone Else Is, Really. To Draw A Bead On A Moving Target.

So Here Are Some Foolproof Recipes For Those Of You Who Understand The True Function Of Food. Bean Treat: Gingerly Pour Four Fluid Oz Of Beans Or Something Into A Jug. Cry. Eat The Beans From The Jug And Pour The Rest From The Can Down Your Throat. N.b. These Taste Better If They Belong To Somebody Else In Your House. Pain Au Dunk: Fists Of Bread, Rent From The Loaf And Dunked Into Anything Runnier Than Bread. Should Eat At Least Six Of These Because…you Should. Don’t Toast The Bread. Toast Is Cookery.

If You're Talking About Crowd Enthusiasm, It Varies. I Have A Decent Following In Australia So I Like There. I'm Interested In Playing Everywhere.

There's Always A Host Of Voices You're Inspired By. I Love Don Delillo, And I Love Isaac Bashevis Singer, And I Love Beckett, And I Love Pinter. He's One Of The Funniest Voices In English Literature Since Dickens.

I Think A Lot Of The Time You Just Parody Yourself.

I Think I Still Get Something From The Original Broadcaster But I'm Certainly Not Aware Of Any Netflix Van Driving To My House And Unloading A Load Of Cash Into My Front Yard.

I Don't Really Think Of Myself As An Actor.

Paper Acts As An Eraser On The Mind, As Soon As You Look At What You've Written.

Idioms Are A Big Thing In Ireland. They Want To Fill The Time, To Show How Good They Are At Talk - It's A Talk-off

Tequila? It's Not Even A Drink. It's A Way For Having The Cops Around Without Using A Phone.

I Don't Do Drugs. If I Want A Rush I Just Stand Up When I'm Not Expecting It.

I'm Organised In Some Ways, But Not In Others.

Cooking? Oh We Were Great, You'd Take Anything And Melt Cheese On It, And The One Who Could Guess What It Was Didn't Have To Wash Up!

I've Always Wanted To Visit [washington]. The Smithsonian Has Some Fantastic Archival Material On Blues Music, Which I'm Really Into. There's A Ton Of Stuff I Want To Do There. But It Just Never Happened.

Beer Must Be Made By Food Companies. It Makes You Wander The Streets At 3 Am Looking For Things To Eat. "what's That, Is It Moving, Get It!! It's A Nun! Fry Her!! Fry Her!"

You're Talking To A Modern, Nice, Affable German Person And They're Saying To You Something Like 'you Know, Vell, It's A Critical Time Now For Germany Within Europe, Also Globally, Economically Ve Are Pretty Good, Ve Have Been Better. But Ve Are Very Vibrant In The Theater And Arts...' And All The Time You'll Be Listening To This, You're Thinking Mmm, Yeah, Mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

I Feel Very Very Old. My Hair Hurts. I Have Buttocks All Over My Body And I Can't Even Smoke Properly Any More. I Don't Have Lungs, I Just Have Two Poppadoms In Here.

I'll Have To Look Into [washington] D.c. A Bit More. I Know It's Given Over To The Administration And The Bureaucracy Connected To It. It's A Super-organism Of The American State. But There's Also A Parallel City In There Where Normal People Live.

If You're A Comic, You Don't Have A Rehearsal Room; You Rehearse On Stage. My Main Concern Is Remembering Everything. I've Written Lots Of Material, But How Do You Memorise 90 Minutes? That's One Hell Of A Long Speech. I've Always Had Problems With That.

You Try Various Things When You're Growing Up. I Was An Attache In The Foreign Service For A While And Then I Drove A Bulldozer, But Neither Of Those Panned Out For Me So It Had To Be Stand-up.

You Know, Just Sometimes, In Between The First Cigarette With Coffee In The Morning To That Four Hundredth Glass Of Cornershop Piss At 3am, You Do Sometimes Look At Yourself And Think...this Is Fantastic. I'm In Heaven.

I've Lived In The Uk For Longer Than I Lived In Ireland. I'm Not Worried About Myself, But It's Ridiculous For Youngsters.

That's A Rather Flippant Quote "drinking And Writing Bad Poetry" From Me. I Mean, I Said It, But I Was Doing Other Stuff Too. I Certainly Didn't Manage The Full Stretch Of Four Years.

I'm Actually About As Famous As A Fourth Division Footballer From The 70s.

Stand-up Came Naturally To Me Because People In Ireland Talk. But That's Not Talking On Panel Shows; It Is Structured Fun. It Reminds Me Of Some Tragic Aunt Clapping Her Hands And Bouncing Into A Room And Announcing We Should All Play Games... And If We Don't We Are All A Rotten Spoilsport.

I'll Work For Whoever Wants To Hire Me. Even The Jewelry Channel.

People Who Get Implants, It's So Depressing, You Know... People - I Don't Know. The Route Of That, You Know, Maybe They Want More Love Or Attention, Or What It Is, But They Always Go For The Most Obvious Place, You Know? Here... Well If You Really Want More Attention, Why Not Get Them In Your Eyes? And Then Move Your Eyes Down To Where Your Nipples Used To Be, Put Your Breasts Up On Your Head, Everybody Will Pay Attention!

I Don't Mind Most Religious People, I Talk To Them. I Listen To Them, You Know, Banging On. "i Prayed Very Hard And Then The Fairy Came." "did He? Good. Have A Biscuit." I Only Get Annoyed When They Try And Make Me See The Fairy. "you Have To Let The Fairy Into Your Heart." Look, I Wouldn't Let Him Into My Garden, Okay? I'd Shoot Him On Sight, If He Existed, Which He Doesn't. Now Have Another Biccie And Be Quiet, Will You Please?

Organic? I Grew Up On Angel Delight. We Didn't Have Anything In The House If It Wasn't Neon!

I Have No Qualifications To Do Anything Else And There Weren't Any Formal Application Forms You Had To Fill In For Stand-up, So I Thought I'd Give That A Twist.

I Wouldn't Be In A Huge Hurry To Go Back To Kansas. It Was Just Bizarre. There's A Lot Of Very, Very Heavy Set People Who Believe In Whatever They Were Told, Because They Didn't Seem To Get Out Very Much Or Be Interested In Leaving Where They Were. They Just Didn't Seem That Curious, And I Find That A Little Hard To Deal With.

Women Are Like Canoes, Full Of Soup. At First Everyone Is Suspicious But Then Everyone Wants One.

I Don't Go To Different Countries To Criticise Their Political System And Tell Them What They Should Be Doing - What Do I Know?

I Dont Watch A Whole Lot Of Stand Up. Mainly I Prefer To Read Writers; They Make Me Laugh The Most. Something Gets You When Youre Alone And Someones Voice Is Coming Through Their Work. Theres A Different Quality To It That Stays With You A Bit More.

I'm A Vegetarian, Well I'm Not Hardcore Because I Eat Meat, But Only Because I Like The Taste, And I Hate Vegetables On A Personal Level So I'm Not Too Good!

Men Don't Know Anything! Men Don't Know When Their Lives Became So Entirely Awful, When Everyone Else Turned Into Such A Tosser! A Man Does Not Know How He Came By The Half A Pie He Is Holding In His Hand. And Scientists - Those Frauds - Seize On This, And Try To Use It As Proof Of The Mysteries Of Human Consciousness And The Unknowable Nature Of The Brain, Which Is Rubbish!

I Think That Women Just Have A Primeval Instinct To Make Soup, Which They Will Try To Foist On Anybody Who Looks Like A Likely Candidate.

A Lot Of The Fiction I Read Growing Up Was Post-war American, And Not All Of It Centers On Manhattan, But Around People Of The Mad Men Generation, People Like John Cheever And, In More Modern Times, Don Delillo, Who I Always Mention.

Black Books Adheres To A More Old Fashioned, Traditional Sitcom Format, Which I Think Works, Because In Its Own Way, It's Quite Theatrical.

I Have A Very Low Level Of Recognition, Which Is Fine By Me.

I Fear We Might Be Losing The Basic Human Facility To Be Alone - And With That You Throw Out Independent Decision-making, What To Trust, What Not To Trust; Key Stuff - A Perilous Loss.

Adulthood Feels Like Walking Around In The Desert With A Bag Over Your Head, Being Bumped Into By People Who Rob You As They Bore You.

Home Gigs Can Be Hard Because It's An Odd Collision. More Than Anything, I Feel Self-conscious When My Family Are In The Audience. I'm Doing This Job Which Is Not Quite Acting - Part Of It Is Me, Part Performance. You're Presenting A Cartoon Of Yourself To People Who Know You As A Line-drawing.

If You're A Comic, You Don't Have A Rehearsal Room, You Rehearse On Stage. My Main Concern Is Remembering Everything.

Some People Have Told Me That I'm Grumpy; It's Not Something That I'm Aware Of. It's Not Like I Walk Around Poking Children In The Eye... Not Very Small Ones, Anyway.

Men Look At Breasts The Way Women Look At Babies. 'aw, Isn't That Lovely?'

You Know It's A Sad Day When Your Child Looks At You And Asks 'daddy, Are These Organic?'

I'm Fascinated By How You'll Change Your Position So Many Times Over A Lifetime, But Really What You're Doing Is Occupying A Series Of Positions On A Landscape.

I Write All The Time, But You Just Want To Be Careful What You Put Out. That's All. You Want To Have The Confidence That You've Done What You Need To Do To It, Because Otherwise It's An Exercise In Vanity.

Do Your Own Thing. Speak In Your Voice.

I Do Pauses, Pauses Work For Me

Everybody Is Corrupted By Hotel Rooms. You Can't Help It. It's The Only Place In The World Where You Walk In And The First Think You Do Is Steal Everything Before You Take Your Coat Off.

Children Are Very Overprotected Now, In Lots Of Ways. We're Very Nervous About Them. You Know, People Go, "don't Go Outside! Or Inside! Get Into The Cupboard With Some Spinach!" When I Was A Child They'd Kick You Out And You Weren't Expected To Come Back Until There Were Bats!

Lots Of Comics Try Stuff Out All Year Round, Which Is Very Sensible - I Don't.

As An Irish Person, There's A Historical Fascination With America: America Is The Default Green And Promised Land For Irish People And Italians; That's What We Grow Up With.

I've Seen Stand Up Comedy, And After A While You Start To Notice That A Lot Of People Are Doing Things That Are Like A Lot Of Other People. There Can Be A Bit Of A Herd Mentality, And That's Obviously Less Interesting Because There's Less Going On. I'm Just Being Totally Frank With You.

Don't You Dare Use Party As A Verb In My Shop

What Is Universal Can Be Surprising. Over Time You Find The Kind Of Stuff Which Has People Thinking 'that Is Just Something That Occurred To Me There's Something Wrong With Me', Is In Fact Stuff That Is Universal.

All The Shy People Are Doomed! Natural Selection Favors The Loud And The Aggressive

I Really Can't Describe What My Stand-up Is Like - People See It And They Say It's Like That, Or It's Like This, And That's Really Up To Them, That's Fine, But I Don't Sit Around All Day Analysing It. I Just Try And Enjoy A Show And Interest Myself Because If I Don't Do That Then I Won't Interest Anybody Else.

You Have To Assume That You're Talking To The Most Intelligent, Tuned-in Audience You Could Ever Get. That's The Way You're Going To Get The Best Out Of People. Whether They Know You Or Not Shouldn't Matter For Comedy. They Should Get To Know You Pretty Quickly. And They Should Be Having A Good Time Pretty Quickly.

I Actually Very Rarely See Comedy Myself, And Although I Admire The Work Of Some Comics, It Does Come From All Over, So I’ll Get A Charge Out Of Some Fiction Writers And Poets.

I Wish I Was Like You! You Know Startled By Direct Sunlight.

When Did You Ever Hear Of A Child Not In Need? 'oh That's Enough Jam Tart For Me, I'll Just Go Now And Clean The Toilets.'

When I Was Young, All The Politicians Looked Like Ancient Latin Teachers Or Greengrocers. They Were Mumbly, Stumbly Men With Their Hair Blowing In Their Eyes, Walking Into Trees, Opening The Wrong Door. They Had No Idea How To Present Themselves.

I Don't Want To Do The Same Thing Over And Over Again.

Trying Different Things

People Will Kill You Over Time, And How They'll Kill You Is With Tiny, Harmless Phrases, Like 'be Realistic.'

Money Can't Buy You Love, But It Can Get You Some Really Good Chocolate Ginger Biscuits.

I Think You Should, Yeah. You Should Wash Your Beard, Then Shave It Off, Nail It To A Frisbee And Fling It Over A Rainbow.

What I Prefer Is An Audience Who Listen. And Are Intelligent. Which I Try And Assume Every Audience Is. And That If Something Goes Wrong, It's Generally My Fault And Not Theirs.

I Love Playing In America. I Feel Having Been There A Few Times That I "get" America A Lot More Than I Used To. It Used To Be So Strange To Me. It Takes Years To Learn How To Separate The Actual, Major, Important Differences From The Superficial Differences That Aren't Essential Or Crucial.

I Don't Want To Do Panel Games Or Adverts. I Really Like Challenges. I Always Get Roles As An Art Teacher Or A Photographer. In The Future I Want To Play Something Like A Mugger/assassin/pastry Chef.

I Don't See Teenagers Anymore. I See... I See Youths. Slumped S Shapes In Their Hoodies, All Huddled Round A Bin Of Burning Grannies. All Texting Eachother Because They've Given Up On Speech.

Love In All Its Forms Is Very Difficult ... To Express. It Changes, Obviously. If You’re Young, And You’re Romantically In Love With Somebody, And Often If You’ve Just Met Somebody, Its Crazy! It’s Completely Overwhelming. You Can’t Think Of Anything Else. You Just Want To Climb Inside The Other Person And Live Under Their Pancreas. And Then It Mellows, Somewhat... To The Point Where You Can Barely Look At Them... Without Feeling A Mild Distaste

You're Never Going To Go. Why Would You Go? It's A Disgusting Place. It's Always Wet Even When It's Dry. There's Nothing There. Farmers Aren't Really People, You Know This. They're Just Necessary, We Need Somebody To Kill Cows.

It's True That I Have Spoken About Doing A Book Before, But Then Everyone You Speak To Is Planning To Write A Book.

I Have To Say, As Much I Am Respectful Of People's Faith And The Idea Of It Being Necessary For Them, But When It Comes To The Catholic Church As An Organization I Don't Have One Scintilla Of Compassion, Understanding, Anything. I Just Think They're The Most Heinous, Corrupt, Separatingly Vile Organization That's Ever Been On The Planet.

You Know, People Sometimes Say To Me, 'do You Prefer To Do This Or That, Act Or Do Stand-up Or Write' But The Thing That I Enjoy Most Is The Difference Between All Of Them, Because You're Always Learning. I Don't Go Around Thinking Of Myself As A Great Anything. I'm Actually Lucky To Have The Chance To Fail At All Of Them.

You Can See Desperation In People Who Are Too Eager To Laugh Because They're In Such A Hurry Not To Look At What's Confronting Them In Their Lives And That's Kind Of Sad Because There's A Kind Of Pornographic Aspect To It, Of Making Some Sort Of Pain Go Away, Of Hovering Around A Pain, Making Yourself Numb, Not Feel Anything.

When Things Are Going Well, I Can't Write Fast Enough To Keep Up With My Mind. Writing Walks, Speech Runs And Talk Flies. Other Times, Though, It's Like Fishing.

My Drive To Put Myself On The Line Comes From Boredom. From That Feeling When You Go To Bed And Think, 'what Did I Do Today?' It Doesn't Have To Be Something Monumental, Just A Feeling That You Really Tried To Look At Something, Or Look Into Something.

I Find It Incredibly Boring When People Are Mean About Some Individuals, Especially If The Individual Has No Power. I Can Understand How Someone Deems It Necessary If Somebody Is In Power To Tear Them Down - I Think That's Really Crucial. I Make A Lot Of Mean Jokes About Myself; As A Theme, Suffering Seems To Me A Very Interesting Thing For Comedy, But Not The Suffering Of A Particular Individual.

I’ve Always Been A Big Consumer Of American Journalism Over The Years And Had An Interest In The History Of It And Of The Press In America; How It Has Changed.

I Suppose The Best Comedy Shows Do Have The Rock N' Roll Feeling - If It's A Great Night, And The Roof Is Raised Yeah, It's A Similar Feeling, Sure.

I've Been Writing Since I Was Very Young, Even Before I Was A Teenager. As Far As I'm Concerned, I Am A Writer - Whether My Writing's Spoken Or Written In A Blog, Paper, Book Or Printed On The Side Of A Submarine.

Children Are The Most Honest Critics. They Will Say "you're Funny", But Also "you're Pathetic - Go Away."

The American Political Machinery Is Awesome To Behold In Its Scale And Expense And Waste And Madness. It's The Greatest Circus On Earth I Suppose.

I Can't Relax Here. These People Have No Pubic Hair Anywhere. We Have Pubic Hair On The Ceiling.

You Learn Very Very Quickly That It Is Mostly About Swearing, Actually. That's All You're Doing, Swearing, In A Box With Wheels.

I'm Really Not Big On Nationalism, To Be Honest With You. I Really Don't Think It Gets People Anywhere Except Near A Pile Of Dead Bodies. I'm Irish, Yeah, But I Don't Need To Get Up On A Soapbox About It.

We All Know Smoking Is Bad. I Know I'm Going To Quit Someday, If I Thought I Wasn't I'd Quit Now.

I Don't Go Around Thinking Of Myself As A Great Anything.

You Can Laugh At Somebody Because They Are Innocent, And Because They Are Naive Or They Are About To Walk Into A Wall, But If Somebody's Giving You Stuff, If Somebody's Talking, Giving You Their Take On Things, What Makes You Laugh, Generally Speaking, Is Going To Be Somebody Who Is Telling It In An Angry Way.

You Can't Please Everyone, Nor Should You Seek To, Because Then You Won't Please Anyone, Least Of All Yourself.

Look At His Face. I Bet His Cornflakes Try To Crawl Out Of The Bowl.

Now, I Meant To Talk About Something Else Earlier On, And I've Forgotten What It Was. I've Remembered What It Is Again, But I've Also Forgotten. And That's Really What Adult Life Is Like Most Of The Time.

I'm Not Drunk Onstage, Although I've Done That A Couple Of Times When I Was Younger. It's Partly Just The Way I Talk - I Talk Like Somebody In A Rocking Chair. I'm Your 150-year-old Grandmother.

You Cannot Over Estimate How Infantile Men Are About Sex! Men Are People That Have Sex Because They Have A Headache... Or Are On Fire, Or Have Been Shot In The Head, Or Whatever It Is!

I Have Tried... Believe Me, I Have Tried To Like Rap Music. It Makes Me Feel So Very, Very Old. I Have Tried To Get Home With The Downies.

I Have Used That Song ["50ft Queenie"] And I'm A Big Pj Harvey Fan. I Think She's Fantastic.

The Measure Of A Conversation Is How Much Mutual Recognition There Is In It; How Much Shared There Is In It. If You're Talking About What's In Your Own Head, Or Without Thought To What People Looking And Listening Will Feel, You Might As Well Be In A Room Talking To Yourself.

It's Such A Bullshit Move. Transparently So. It's Obviously Supposed To Give Succor To People Who Feel Pissed Off Because Someone From Another Country Got A Job That They Feel Should've Been Given To Them. But That's What People Voted Against Here. They Voted Against The Movement Of Labor - That Kind Of Fluidity - Because They Want A Britain That No Longer Exists, And They Can't Get It.

I'm Very Drawn To Eastern Europe, So I Like A Hungarian Writer Who Wrote In French Called Emil Cioran; He Was Always Good For Giving Me Such A Stir.

I Need A Healthy Injection Of Cynicism Right Now.

America Is This Incredible Mosaic Of Immigrants, So People Really Want To Be Anchored In Some Kind Of Culture As Well As The One They Are Living In.

I Just Wish I Had Longer. It's Very Frustrating. As You Know, To People Over Here, Cities Like [washington] D.c. Are Iconic. We Know Them So Well. It's Very Frustrating To Be In One Of Them For 36 Hours And Have A Show To Do Because You Can't Really Do Anything.

Don't Do It! Stay Away From Your Potential. You'll Mess It Up, It's Potential, Leave It. Anyway, It's Like Your Bank Balance - You Always Have A Lot Less Than You Think.

I'm Delighted To Make As Many People Feel Ashamed As Possible. There's Probably A Site Like That For Everybody. I've Heard Newt Gingrich Has His Own As Well.

We Are Both Drawn To Surreal Situations So The Writing Was A Joy.

The Truth Is That I'm Constitutionally Incapable Of Doing An Ordinary Job.

The Characters Can't Be Wittier Than People Are In Real Life. They Have To Be Character Witty.

Don't Clap I'm Not A Jazz Band For Christ's Sake.

Wow This Place Is Really Big Isn't It? They Must Do Proper Stuff Here, Like Opera And All That...shite.

In My Personal Life, My Family Makes Me Laugh More Than Anybody; I Think That Is The Same For Everybody. I Certainly Hope It Is.

You're Supposed To Eat The Cows. They're Great Big Lumbering Stupid Things - They'd Be Everywhere If We Didn't Eat Them.

I Draw Hundreds And Hundreds Of Pictures Of Sort Of Gnarly Looking Men, So I Don't Know What That Tells You. People Who Look Like... They're Waiting For A Sandwich That's Never Going To Come. I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me.

You Should Be As Alive As You Can, Until You're Totally Dead!

I Think Of Myself As A Theatre Comic Instead Of Club Comic Because I Tend To Talk For A Bit Before I Start Being Funny. I Don't Really Do The One-liners And Five Second Bits Or Whatever. But It's Good To Work Stuff Out Sometimes.

I Dislike Both Of [candidates] But There's Obviously No Choice In The Election - If You're Concerned About The Future Of Anything, You Need To Vote For Hillary Clinton.

The Trend Now Is To Get Away From Stage Bound Sitcoms.

Vodka Is A Very Deceptive Drink, Because You Drink It And You Think, "what Is This? This Is Pointless! It's - You Can't Taste It, You Can't Smell It... Why Did We Waste Our Money On This, Bloody - Why Are We On A Traffic Island?"

Maybe This Is Just Me, But As Time Goes By, I'm More Bewildered By Modernity. It Gets More Unfathomable With Every Passing Year.

Eggs! They're Not A Food, They Belong In No Group! They're Just Farts Clothed In Substance!

If I Hadn't Done This I Might Have Ended Up Digging The Roads.

I'm Not A Fighter, I'm A Bleeder.

Go And Lie Down In The Dark... For Hours... And Don't Move. I'm Locking The Door Now

You’re Not An Adult At All - You're Just A Tall Child Holding A Beer, Having Conversations You Don't Understand...

In The Same Way, There Is Some Creature Gnawing Away Inside Of Me, Urging Me To Do Things In Different Ways.

I Do Not Walk Around Imaging Myself To Be Intimidating Or Smart.

When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Watch Things That Made Me Laugh. It's Attacking Boredom, As Simple As That. I Was 19 When I First Went To A Comedy Club - I Wanted To Do It, So I Gave It A Try And That Was It. I Found My Office.

You Look Like A Horse In A Man Costume

You Know What You Are? You're A Beard With An Idiot Hanging Off It.

Religion Is The Yeast Of Death Cakes. It Is The Most Awful Agent On A Vulnerable Mind. It's The Refuge Of Alienated And Lonely People. It's What People Had Before Television. It Yokes People Together Into An Imaginary World. It Is Just People Talking To Their Imaginary Friends, At Length. I Wouldn't Mind, But Some Of The People Are World Leaders.

It Should Not Be An Act Of Social Disobedience To Light A Cigarette. Unless You're Actually A Doctor Working At An Incubator.

The East Is Very Mysterious To Westerners. Even Post-cold War, It's Still An Unknown Entity.

Now I'm Not An Expert At Mathematics, But I Calculated It Would Take At Least Three Of Me To Take On One Third Of One Of Them, Even If They Were Attacking Me With Just Their Arse.

I'm Quite A Compulsive Person-i Only Worked This Out Recently - I'm Compulsive, But I'm Also Very Indecisive. I Don't Know What I Want, But I Know That I Want It Now.

I Know There's Similar Dissatisfaction In America. There's A Lot Of White People Who Come From Blue Collar Backgrounds And Who Feel Ill-equipped And Badly Served By Modern Economics And The Modern Job Market.

I Would Never Really Analyse What I Do. I Leave That To Other People - I'm Not A Critic. I Just Want To Get On With Whatever I Have In Hand, You Know? Just Try To Make The Best Job Of The Available Material.

I Grew Up In A House Where There Was Lots Of Teasing And Language Play And Laughter; It Was Very Important. When I Was A Teenager, You Wouldn't Go To A Bar And Find Lots Of Televisions Everywhere. People Were Talking. Talk Was The Mental Fire You Would Gather Around In The Evening. It Occupied A Big Part Of Your Existence.

Showing Off Seemed To Me To Be A Highly Valuable And Necessary Activity When I Was 20.

America's Work Ethic Is Non-stop; It's Not Even Enshrined In Law That Workers Have To Get Their Two Weeks Holiday Money. But Americans Work Harder Than Everyone Else I Can Think Of.

Nothing Can Make Me Feel Better Now, Except Cocaine.

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Stephenie Meyer

Bernard Goldberg

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