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I Find It Incredibly Boring When People Are Mean About Some Individuals, Especially If The Individual Has No Power. I Can Understand How Someone Deems It Necessary If Somebody Is In Power To Tear Them Down - I Think That's Really Crucial. I Make A Lot Of Mean Jokes About Myself; As A Theme, Suffering Seems To Me A Very Interesting Thing For Comedy, But Not The Suffering Of A Particular Individual.

-Dylan Moran

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I Find It Incredibly

Dylan Moran

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I Find It Incredibly Boring When People Are Mean About Some Individuals, Especially If The Individual Has No Power. I Can Understand How Someone Deems It Necessary If Somebody Is In Power To Tear Them Down - I Think That's Really Crucial. I Make A Lot Of Mean Jokes About Myself; As A Theme, Suffering Seems To Me A Very Interesting Thing For Comedy, But Not The Suffering Of A Particular Individual.

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I Feel Very Very Old. My Hair Hurts. I Have Buttocks All Over My Body And I Can't Even Smoke Properly Any More. I Don't Have Lungs, I Just Have Two Poppadoms In Here.

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Home Gigs Can Be Hard Because It's An Odd Collision. More Than Anything, I Feel Self-conscious When My Family Are In The Audience. I'm Doing This Job Which Is Not Quite Acting - Part Of It Is Me, Part Performance. You're Presenting A Cartoon Of Yourself To People Who Know You As A Line-drawing.

The Measure Of A Conversation Is How Much Mutual Recognition There Is In It; How Much Shared There Is In It. If You're Talking About What's In Your Own Head, Or Without Thought To What People Looking And Listening Will Feel, You Might As Well Be In A Room Talking To Yourself.

Stand-up Came Naturally To Me Because People In Ireland Talk. But That's Not Talking On Panel Shows; It Is Structured Fun. It Reminds Me Of Some Tragic Aunt Clapping Her Hands And Bouncing Into A Room And Announcing We Should All Play Games... And If We Don't We Are All A Rotten Spoilsport.

Men Look At Breasts The Way Women Look At Babies. 'aw, Isn't That Lovely?'

You Should Be As Alive As You Can, Until You're Totally Dead!

Go And Lie Down In The Dark... For Hours... And Don't Move. I'm Locking The Door Now

I'm A Quitter. I Come From A Long Line Of Quitters. It's Amazing I'm Here At All.

I Wouldn't Be In A Huge Hurry To Go Back To Kansas. It Was Just Bizarre. There's A Lot Of Very, Very Heavy Set People Who Believe In Whatever They Were Told, Because They Didn't Seem To Get Out Very Much Or Be Interested In Leaving Where They Were. They Just Didn't Seem That Curious, And I Find That A Little Hard To Deal With.

I Don't Mind Most Religious People, I Talk To Them. I Listen To Them, You Know, Banging On. "i Prayed Very Hard And Then The Fairy Came." "did He? Good. Have A Biscuit." I Only Get Annoyed When They Try And Make Me See The Fairy. "you Have To Let The Fairy Into Your Heart." Look, I Wouldn't Let Him Into My Garden, Okay? I'd Shoot Him On Sight, If He Existed, Which He Doesn't. Now Have Another Biccie And Be Quiet, Will You Please?

Nothing Can Make Me Feel Better Now, Except Cocaine.

I Love Playing In America. I Feel Having Been There A Few Times That I "get" America A Lot More Than I Used To. It Used To Be So Strange To Me. It Takes Years To Learn How To Separate The Actual, Major, Important Differences From The Superficial Differences That Aren't Essential Or Crucial.

I Think I Still Get Something From The Original Broadcaster But I'm Certainly Not Aware Of Any Netflix Van Driving To My House And Unloading A Load Of Cash Into My Front Yard.

If You're A Comic, You Don't Have A Rehearsal Room, You Rehearse On Stage. My Main Concern Is Remembering Everything.

I've Got Better Things To Do Than Read Rubbish About Myself.

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Vodka! That's A Child's Drink, Why Am I Drinking This Stupid Drink, Oh And Why Am I On A Traffic Island?

I Grew Up In A House Where There Was Lots Of Teasing And Language Play And Laughter; It Was Very Important. When I Was A Teenager, You Wouldn't Go To A Bar And Find Lots Of Televisions Everywhere. People Were Talking. Talk Was The Mental Fire You Would Gather Around In The Evening. It Occupied A Big Part Of Your Existence.

I Have Used That Song ["50ft Queenie"] And I'm A Big Pj Harvey Fan. I Think She's Fantastic.

You're Supposed To Eat The Cows. They're Great Big Lumbering Stupid Things - They'd Be Everywhere If We Didn't Eat Them.

I've Always Wanted To Visit [washington]. The Smithsonian Has Some Fantastic Archival Material On Blues Music, Which I'm Really Into. There's A Ton Of Stuff I Want To Do There. But It Just Never Happened.

Lots Of Comics Try Stuff Out All Year Round, Which Is Very Sensible - I Don't.

I'm Fascinated By How You'll Change Your Position So Many Times Over A Lifetime, But Really What You're Doing Is Occupying A Series Of Positions On A Landscape.

I Dislike Both Of [candidates] But There's Obviously No Choice In The Election - If You're Concerned About The Future Of Anything, You Need To Vote For Hillary Clinton.

I Just Wish I Had Longer. It's Very Frustrating. As You Know, To People Over Here, Cities Like [washington] D.c. Are Iconic. We Know Them So Well. It's Very Frustrating To Be In One Of Them For 36 Hours And Have A Show To Do Because You Can't Really Do Anything.

Do Your Own Thing. Speak In Your Voice.

When Things Are Going Well, I Can't Write Fast Enough To Keep Up With My Mind. Writing Walks, Speech Runs And Talk Flies. Other Times, Though, It's Like Fishing.

Organic? I Grew Up On Angel Delight. We Didn't Have Anything In The House If It Wasn't Neon!

You've A Very Important, Early Decision To Make In Your Life: Are You Going To Be Alone, Or Are You Going To Be With Somebody Else? Are You Going To Be Sane, Or Not Lonely? A Couple Is A Strange Thing; It's An Organism That's Half As Intelligent As The Most Intelligent Member. And You Both Know Who It Is!

Why Do I Even Dare To Think I Could Dream I Could Imagine I Could Hope?!

Kids, They Are Always Hurting Themselves. It's Like, "quick, Get Me To Casualty Quick!" While Your Doing Something Important Like Sitting Down Picking Your Ear.

I Really Can't Describe What My Stand-up Is Like - People See It And They Say It's Like That, Or It's Like This, And That's Really Up To Them, That's Fine, But I Don't Sit Around All Day Analysing It. I Just Try And Enjoy A Show And Interest Myself Because If I Don't Do That Then I Won't Interest Anybody Else.

You Know, People Sometimes Say To Me, 'do You Prefer To Do This Or That, Act Or Do Stand-up Or Write' But The Thing That I Enjoy Most Is The Difference Between All Of Them, Because You're Always Learning. I Don't Go Around Thinking Of Myself As A Great Anything. I'm Actually Lucky To Have The Chance To Fail At All Of Them.

What Are Children Anyway? Midget Drunks. They Greet You In The Morning By Kneeing You In The Face And Talking Gibberish. They Can't Even Walk Straight.

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Cooking? Oh We Were Great, You'd Take Anything And Melt Cheese On It, And The One Who Could Guess What It Was Didn't Have To Wash Up!

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Don't Clap I'm Not A Jazz Band For Christ's Sake.

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Irish People Give Big Hellos And Very Little Goodbyes. Unless They're Female, And Then They Spend Five Hours Talking In The Doorway To The Person That's Leaving Their House.

Children Are The Most Honest Critics. They Will Say "you're Funny", But Also "you're Pathetic - Go Away."

You're Talking To A Modern, Nice, Affable German Person And They're Saying To You Something Like 'you Know, Vell, It's A Critical Time Now For Germany Within Europe, Also Globally, Economically Ve Are Pretty Good, Ve Have Been Better. But Ve Are Very Vibrant In The Theater And Arts...' And All The Time You'll Be Listening To This, You're Thinking Mmm, Yeah, Mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

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I Don't Do Drugs. If I Want A Rush I Just Stand Up When I'm Not Expecting It.

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The Characters Can't Be Wittier Than People Are In Real Life. They Have To Be Character Witty.

Don't You Dare Use Party As A Verb In My Shop

If I Hadn't Done This I Might Have Ended Up Digging The Roads.

You Can Laugh At Somebody Because They Are Innocent, And Because They Are Naive Or They Are About To Walk Into A Wall, But If Somebody's Giving You Stuff, If Somebody's Talking, Giving You Their Take On Things, What Makes You Laugh, Generally Speaking, Is Going To Be Somebody Who Is Telling It In An Angry Way.

It's Easy To Smile When You Have A Squirrel's Intellect.

I Actually Very Rarely See Comedy Myself, And Although I Admire The Work Of Some Comics, It Does Come From All Over, So I’ll Get A Charge Out Of Some Fiction Writers And Poets.

Black Books Adheres To A More Old Fashioned, Traditional Sitcom Format, Which I Think Works, Because In Its Own Way, It's Quite Theatrical.

Oh How I Hate You. I Hate You So Much It Gives Me Energy. I Have To Get Up Early In The Morning Just To Hate You, Because There's Not Enough Time In The Day! Please Go Away!

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I Think You Should, Yeah. You Should Wash Your Beard, Then Shave It Off, Nail It To A Frisbee And Fling It Over A Rainbow.

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I Don't Go To Different Countries To Criticise Their Political System And Tell Them What They Should Be Doing - What Do I Know?

I Think That Women Just Have A Primeval Instinct To Make Soup, Which They Will Try To Foist On Anybody Who Looks Like A Likely Candidate.

You Can't Please Everyone, Nor Should You Seek To, Because Then You Won't Please Anyone, Least Of All Yourself.

I Have To Say, As Much I Am Respectful Of People's Faith And The Idea Of It Being Necessary For Them, But When It Comes To The Catholic Church As An Organization I Don't Have One Scintilla Of Compassion, Understanding, Anything. I Just Think They're The Most Heinous, Corrupt, Separatingly Vile Organization That's Ever Been On The Planet.

I Did Throw A Lot Of Eggs Into One Basket, As You Do In Your Teenage Years - 'i Am Buying These Records, I Am Wearing This'. I Did Quite A Bit Of That. You Have To Do It, Wear Your Stupid Shoes, Wear Your Stupid Hair.

‎what's The Weather Like? ... It's Fierce Mild!

We All Know Smoking Is Bad. I Know I'm Going To Quit Someday, If I Thought I Wasn't I'd Quit Now.

I Fear We Might Be Losing The Basic Human Facility To Be Alone - And With That You Throw Out Independent Decision-making, What To Trust, What Not To Trust; Key Stuff - A Perilous Loss.

Don't Do It! Stay Away From Your Potential. You'll Mess It Up, It's Potential, Leave It. Anyway, It's Like Your Bank Balance - You Always Have A Lot Less Than You Think.

I Always Try To Address Where I Am. I'll Talk To The People And Try To Find Out What It Is About That Particular Place That Makes It Distinct From Everywhere Else.

A Lot Of The Fiction I Read Growing Up Was Post-war American, And Not All Of It Centers On Manhattan, But Around People Of The Mad Men Generation, People Like John Cheever And, In More Modern Times, Don Delillo, Who I Always Mention.

You See The Button With The Guy With The Tray, And You Push It, And He Arrives With A Sandwich! And You Think: "yes! Yes! I Control Sandwich Monkey! I Live In Magic Land, Magic Land, Magic Land"

I Wanted To Show Off - A Simple Impulse Or Drive; In Much The Same Way As Some Kids Wanted To Play Football, I Wanted To Show Off. Not Complicated In That Sense, Very Natural; It Just Depends On How You Want To Show Off.

Fruit... It's Just God Showing Off. "look At All The Colours I Know!"

I Don't Want To Do Panel Games Or Adverts. I Really Like Challenges. I Always Get Roles As An Art Teacher Or A Photographer. In The Future I Want To Play Something Like A Mugger/assassin/pastry Chef.

Men Don't Know Anything! Men Don't Know When Their Lives Became So Entirely Awful, When Everyone Else Turned Into Such A Tosser! A Man Does Not Know How He Came By The Half A Pie He Is Holding In His Hand. And Scientists - Those Frauds - Seize On This, And Try To Use It As Proof Of The Mysteries Of Human Consciousness And The Unknowable Nature Of The Brain, Which Is Rubbish!

Eggs! They're Not A Food, They Belong In No Group! They're Just Farts Clothed In Substance!

I Don't Really Think Of Myself As An Actor.

You're Never Going To Go. Why Would You Go? It's A Disgusting Place. It's Always Wet Even When It's Dry. There's Nothing There. Farmers Aren't Really People, You Know This. They're Just Necessary, We Need Somebody To Kill Cows.

When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Watch Things That Made Me Laugh. It's Attacking Boredom, As Simple As That. I Was 19 When I First Went To A Comedy Club - I Wanted To Do It, So I Gave It A Try And That Was It. I Found My Office.

The Sensible Thing For Everyone To Do Would Be To Write All Their Op-eds And Think Pieces Now So They're Ready The Day After The Election When [donald] Trump Is No Longer In The Picture. God, I Can't Wait For That. I Hope He Just Goes Away.

I Dont Watch A Whole Lot Of Stand Up. Mainly I Prefer To Read Writers; They Make Me Laugh The Most. Something Gets You When Youre Alone And Someones Voice Is Coming Through Their Work. Theres A Different Quality To It That Stays With You A Bit More.

The East Is Very Mysterious To Westerners. Even Post-cold War, It's Still An Unknown Entity.

You Have To Assume That You're Talking To The Most Intelligent, Tuned-in Audience You Could Ever Get. That's The Way You're Going To Get The Best Out Of People. Whether They Know You Or Not Shouldn't Matter For Comedy. They Should Get To Know You Pretty Quickly. And They Should Be Having A Good Time Pretty Quickly.

I Get A Phone Call Once Every 18 Months From Some Mad Person Who Wants Me To Do Something For Less Than No Money And They Give Me About A Week's Notice. That's My Film Career, Most Of The Time.

I Can't Relax Here. These People Have No Pubic Hair Anywhere. We Have Pubic Hair On The Ceiling.

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