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Everybody Does That Now. We All Take Pics... You Do The Same With Holiday Photos. You Record Something To Look Back On It, Even Though You’re Not Really There When You’re Taking The Picture 'cause You’re Too Busy Recording It; So You Retrospectively Go To Look Back On Where You Weren’t And Tell Yourself You Had A Good Time.

-Dylan Moran

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Everybody Does That Now.

Dylan Moran

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Everybody Does That Now. We All Take Pics... You Do The Same With Holiday Photos. You Record Something To Look Back On It, Even Though You’re Not Really There When You’re Taking The Picture 'cause You’re Too Busy Recording It; So You Retrospectively Go To Look Back On Where You Weren’t And Tell Yourself You Had A Good Time.

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Kids, They Are Always Hurting Themselves. It's Like, "quick, Get Me To Casualty Quick!" While Your Doing Something Important Like Sitting Down Picking Your Ear.

People Who Get Implants, It's So Depressing, You Know... People - I Don't Know. The Route Of That, You Know, Maybe They Want More Love Or Attention, Or What It Is, But They Always Go For The Most Obvious Place, You Know? Here... Well If You Really Want More Attention, Why Not Get Them In Your Eyes? And Then Move Your Eyes Down To Where Your Nipples Used To Be, Put Your Breasts Up On Your Head, Everybody Will Pay Attention!

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Children Are Very Overprotected Now, In Lots Of Ways. We're Very Nervous About Them. You Know, People Go, "don't Go Outside! Or Inside! Get Into The Cupboard With Some Spinach!" When I Was A Child They'd Kick You Out And You Weren't Expected To Come Back Until There Were Bats!

Its Not Easy Being A Man You Know. I Had To Get Dressed Today… And There Are Other Pressures.

That's A Rather Flippant Quote "drinking And Writing Bad Poetry" From Me. I Mean, I Said It, But I Was Doing Other Stuff Too. I Certainly Didn't Manage The Full Stretch Of Four Years.

Black Books Adheres To A More Old Fashioned, Traditional Sitcom Format, Which I Think Works, Because In Its Own Way, It's Quite Theatrical.

Have I Had Therapy? I Went To A Yoga Class Once.

I Fear We Might Be Losing The Basic Human Facility To Be Alone - And With That You Throw Out Independent Decision-making, What To Trust, What Not To Trust; Key Stuff - A Perilous Loss.

When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Watch Things That Made Me Laugh. It's Attacking Boredom, As Simple As That. I Was 19 When I First Went To A Comedy Club - I Wanted To Do It, So I Gave It A Try And That Was It. I Found My Office.

I Have A Very Low Level Of Recognition, Which Is Fine By Me.

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I'm Organised In Some Ways, But Not In Others.

Don't Clap I'm Not A Jazz Band For Christ's Sake.

‎what's The Weather Like? ... It's Fierce Mild!

I Really Can't Describe What My Stand-up Is Like - People See It And They Say It's Like That, Or It's Like This, And That's Really Up To Them, That's Fine, But I Don't Sit Around All Day Analysing It. I Just Try And Enjoy A Show And Interest Myself Because If I Don't Do That Then I Won't Interest Anybody Else.

I Do Pauses, Pauses Work For Me

Shame Is One Of The Greatest Aphrodisiacs In The World, Anyway, Built Into Religion.

Fruit... It's Just God Showing Off. "look At All The Colours I Know!"

People Do Need A Social License To Go, "ha Ha Ha," And Have A Good Time. It's A Strange Thing. There's A Lot Of Social Ritual Around Comedy And Laughter. It's A Bonding Experience For Groups, But Nobody Can Tell You Much About How Funny Somebody Is. Sometimes People Just Need To Be In A Group And Be Laughing Together, Just Like They Need To Be In A Group In Watching Some Really Terrifying Film.

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I Actually Very Rarely See Comedy Myself, And Although I Admire The Work Of Some Comics, It Does Come From All Over, So I’ll Get A Charge Out Of Some Fiction Writers And Poets.

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If I Hadn't Done This I Might Have Ended Up Digging The Roads.

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And Yet, People Still Turn To Jesus. You Will Notice Though That The Kind Of People Who Turn To Jesus Tend To Be The Sort Of People Who Haven't Done That Well With Everybody Else.

People Will Kill You Over Time, And How They'll Kill You Is With Tiny, Harmless Phrases, Like 'be Realistic.'

Of Course People Are Angry. Generation Upon Generation Had Jobs At Steel Mills Or Whatever - Things Were Going On And It Looked Like It Would Always Be That Way. And Then There's These Cataclysmic Changes And People Find Themselves Out On Their Arse And They're Angry And They Want Answers. But One Thing That's For Sure Is That Those Answers Will Not Come In The Form Of Donald J. Trump.

I Feel Very Very Old. My Hair Hurts. I Have Buttocks All Over My Body And I Can't Even Smoke Properly Any More. I Don't Have Lungs, I Just Have Two Poppadoms In Here.

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I Think You Should, Yeah. You Should Wash Your Beard, Then Shave It Off, Nail It To A Frisbee And Fling It Over A Rainbow.

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Trying Different Things

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The Characters Can't Be Wittier Than People Are In Real Life. They Have To Be Character Witty.

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I Was Lucky In The Sense That I Was Never Blessed With An Overly Reflective Nature.

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Maybe This Is Just Me, But As Time Goes By, I'm More Bewildered By Modernity. It Gets More Unfathomable With Every Passing Year.

Vodka Is A Very Deceptive Drink, Because You Drink It And You Think, "what Is This? This Is Pointless! It's - You Can't Taste It, You Can't Smell It... Why Did We Waste Our Money On This, Bloody - Why Are We On A Traffic Island?"

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I Was Fat! I Was Pustule-rich! I Looked Like A Pink Human Grenade! When Did I Blossom Into The Irresistible Little Orchid That I Am Now? I Don't Know. Getting Taller Helps. It Spreads Out A Bit.

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I'm Quite A Compulsive Person-i Only Worked This Out Recently - I'm Compulsive, But I'm Also Very Indecisive. I Don't Know What I Want, But I Know That I Want It Now.

It Probably Says Something Really Clinically Terrible About My Character That I Need To Get Up On A Stage And Go 'ra Ra Ra' In Front Of People.

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When I Was Young, All The Politicians Looked Like Ancient Latin Teachers Or Greengrocers. They Were Mumbly, Stumbly Men With Their Hair Blowing In Their Eyes, Walking Into Trees, Opening The Wrong Door. They Had No Idea How To Present Themselves.

Irish People Give Big Hellos And Very Little Goodbyes. Unless They're Female, And Then They Spend Five Hours Talking In The Doorway To The Person That's Leaving Their House.

I'm Actually About As Famous As A Fourth Division Footballer From The 70s.

We Are Both Drawn To Surreal Situations So The Writing Was A Joy.

I'm A Vegetarian, Well I'm Not Hardcore Because I Eat Meat, But Only Because I Like The Taste, And I Hate Vegetables On A Personal Level So I'm Not Too Good!

He Could Dismiss Several Schools Of Philosophy By Shifting Slightly In His Chair Or Toting His Whisky Glass.

I Write All The Time, But You Just Want To Be Careful What You Put Out. That's All. You Want To Have The Confidence That You've Done What You Need To Do To It, Because Otherwise It's An Exercise In Vanity.

I'm Just A Guy Who Happens To Work In Public From Time To Time. I've Built A Reputation As An Established Comic, Not As A Celebrity - A Celebrity Is Someone Who Is Famous But Doesn't Do Anything.

I Do Not Walk Around Imaging Myself To Be Intimidating Or Smart.

You Can See Desperation In People Who Are Too Eager To Laugh Because They're In Such A Hurry Not To Look At What's Confronting Them In Their Lives And That's Kind Of Sad Because There's A Kind Of Pornographic Aspect To It, Of Making Some Sort Of Pain Go Away, Of Hovering Around A Pain, Making Yourself Numb, Not Feel Anything.

I'm Fascinated By How You'll Change Your Position So Many Times Over A Lifetime, But Really What You're Doing Is Occupying A Series Of Positions On A Landscape.

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I Don't Really Think Of Myself As An Actor.

I Don't Want To Do Panel Games Or Adverts. I Really Like Challenges. I Always Get Roles As An Art Teacher Or A Photographer. In The Future I Want To Play Something Like A Mugger/assassin/pastry Chef.

I've Always Wanted To Visit [washington]. The Smithsonian Has Some Fantastic Archival Material On Blues Music, Which I'm Really Into. There's A Ton Of Stuff I Want To Do There. But It Just Never Happened.

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Now, I Meant To Talk About Something Else Earlier On, And I've Forgotten What It Was. I've Remembered What It Is Again, But I've Also Forgotten. And That's Really What Adult Life Is Like Most Of The Time.

Nothing Can Make Me Feel Better Now, Except Cocaine.

So Here Are Some Foolproof Recipes For Those Of You Who Understand The True Function Of Food. Bean Treat: Gingerly Pour Four Fluid Oz Of Beans Or Something Into A Jug. Cry. Eat The Beans From The Jug And Pour The Rest From The Can Down Your Throat. N.b. These Taste Better If They Belong To Somebody Else In Your House. Pain Au Dunk: Fists Of Bread, Rent From The Loaf And Dunked Into Anything Runnier Than Bread. Should Eat At Least Six Of These Because…you Should. Don’t Toast The Bread. Toast Is Cookery.

I Can't Swim. I Can't Drive, Either. I Was Going To Learn To Drive But Then I Thought, Well, What If I Crash Into A Lake?

I Draw Hundreds And Hundreds Of Pictures Of Sort Of Gnarly Looking Men, So I Don't Know What That Tells You. People Who Look Like... They're Waiting For A Sandwich That's Never Going To Come. I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me.

It's Such A Bullshit Move. Transparently So. It's Obviously Supposed To Give Succor To People Who Feel Pissed Off Because Someone From Another Country Got A Job That They Feel Should've Been Given To Them. But That's What People Voted Against Here. They Voted Against The Movement Of Labor - That Kind Of Fluidity - Because They Want A Britain That No Longer Exists, And They Can't Get It.

When Did You Ever Hear Of A Child Not In Need? 'oh That's Enough Jam Tart For Me, I'll Just Go Now And Clean The Toilets.'

Paper Acts As An Eraser On The Mind, As Soon As You Look At What You've Written.

I'm Really Not Big On Nationalism, To Be Honest With You. I Really Don't Think It Gets People Anywhere Except Near A Pile Of Dead Bodies. I'm Irish, Yeah, But I Don't Need To Get Up On A Soapbox About It.

Don't You Dare Use Party As A Verb In My Shop

I Thought The Office Was Good, Though I Didn't Think Of It As A Sitcom, Just As A Very Good Programme.

Look At His Face. I Bet His Cornflakes Try To Crawl Out Of The Bowl.

There Are Two Types Of Wine Essentially, And Everybody Knows This. There's The One Where You Drink It And Go, "mmmm, Well That's Ok, Can We Get 8 Of Those Please, Give Us 8 Of Those." There's The Other One, You Know, Where You Go "ga... Bt... Jesus, What Is That?" Very, Very Occasionally I Concede You Will Hit A Subtle One. You Know, Where You Go "ga... Ba... Ah, Actually That's Not That Bad, That Is. It's Quite Nice."

It Should Not Be An Act Of Social Disobedience To Light A Cigarette. Unless You're Actually A Doctor Working At An Incubator.

[washington] Is The Political Capital. It's Essentially A Big Office.

Everybody Is Corrupted By Hotel Rooms. You Can't Help It. It's The Only Place In The World Where You Walk In And The First Think You Do Is Steal Everything Before You Take Your Coat Off.

Cooking? Oh We Were Great, You'd Take Anything And Melt Cheese On It, And The One Who Could Guess What It Was Didn't Have To Wash Up!

I Grew Up In A House Where There Was Lots Of Teasing And Language Play And Laughter; It Was Very Important. When I Was A Teenager, You Wouldn't Go To A Bar And Find Lots Of Televisions Everywhere. People Were Talking. Talk Was The Mental Fire You Would Gather Around In The Evening. It Occupied A Big Part Of Your Existence.

I Used To Live With Two Other Guys. We Used To Cook Two Things. The First One Was Called 'cheese... Thing' And That Was Where You Get Something And You Melt Cheese Over It And The First One To Guess What It Is Doesn't Have To Wash Up. That's Obviously Quite Mediterranean; The Other One Was Less Complex. It Was Just Called 'cheese Fantasy.' That's Where You Come In, Very Drunk, At About Five In The Morning And Find An Apple And Just Pretend There's Some Cheese On It.

Wow This Place Is Really Big Isn't It? They Must Do Proper Stuff Here, Like Opera And All That...shite.

I've Been Writing Since I Was Very Young, Even Before I Was A Teenager. As Far As I'm Concerned, I Am A Writer - Whether My Writing's Spoken Or Written In A Blog, Paper, Book Or Printed On The Side Of A Submarine.

When Things Are Going Well, I Can't Write Fast Enough To Keep Up With My Mind. Writing Walks, Speech Runs And Talk Flies. Other Times, Though, It's Like Fishing.

You Know What You Are? You're A Beard With An Idiot Hanging Off It.

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Jerry B. Jenkins

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