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I Don't Mind Most Religious People, I Talk To Them. I Listen To Them, You Know, Banging On. "i Prayed Very Hard And Then The Fairy Came." "did He? Good. Have A Biscuit." I Only Get Annoyed When They Try And Make Me See The Fairy. "you Have To Let The Fairy Into Your Heart." Look, I Wouldn't Let Him Into My Garden, Okay? I'd Shoot Him On Sight, If He Existed, Which He Doesn't. Now Have Another Biccie And Be Quiet, Will You Please?

-Dylan Moran

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I Don't Mind Most

Dylan Moran

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I Don't Mind Most Religious People, I Talk To Them. I Listen To Them, You Know, Banging On. "i Prayed Very Hard And Then The Fairy Came." "did He? Good. Have A Biscuit." I Only Get Annoyed When They Try And Make Me See The Fairy. "you Have To Let The Fairy Into Your Heart." Look, I Wouldn't Let Him Into My Garden, Okay? I'd Shoot Him On Sight, If He Existed, Which He Doesn't. Now Have Another Biccie And Be Quiet, Will You Please?

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When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Watch Things That Made Me Laugh. It's Attacking Boredom, As Simple As That. I Was 19 When I First Went To A Comedy Club - I Wanted To Do It, So I Gave It A Try And That Was It. I Found My Office.

What Are Children Anyway? Midget Drunks. They Greet You In The Morning By Kneeing You In The Face And Talking Gibberish. They Can't Even Walk Straight.

If I Hadn't Done This I Might Have Ended Up Digging The Roads.

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I Don't Want To Do The Same Thing Over And Over Again.

Trying Different Things

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You’re Not An Adult At All - You're Just A Tall Child Holding A Beer, Having Conversations You Don't Understand...

I've Been Writing Since I Was Very Young, Even Before I Was A Teenager. As Far As I'm Concerned, I Am A Writer - Whether My Writing's Spoken Or Written In A Blog, Paper, Book Or Printed On The Side Of A Submarine.

You See The Button With The Guy With The Tray, And You Push It, And He Arrives With A Sandwich! And You Think: "yes! Yes! I Control Sandwich Monkey! I Live In Magic Land, Magic Land, Magic Land"

In The Same Way, There Is Some Creature Gnawing Away Inside Of Me, Urging Me To Do Things In Different Ways.

I Wanted To Show Off - A Simple Impulse Or Drive; In Much The Same Way As Some Kids Wanted To Play Football, I Wanted To Show Off. Not Complicated In That Sense, Very Natural; It Just Depends On How You Want To Show Off.

We All Know Smoking Is Bad. I Know I'm Going To Quit Someday, If I Thought I Wasn't I'd Quit Now.

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I Don't Mind Most Religious People, I Talk To Them. I Listen To Them, You Know, Banging On. "i Prayed Very Hard And Then The Fairy Came." "did He? Good. Have A Biscuit." I Only Get Annoyed When They Try And Make Me See The Fairy. "you Have To Let The Fairy Into Your Heart." Look, I Wouldn't Let Him Into My Garden, Okay? I'd Shoot Him On Sight, If He Existed, Which He Doesn't. Now Have Another Biccie And Be Quiet, Will You Please?

I Always Try To Address Where I Am. I'll Talk To The People And Try To Find Out What It Is About That Particular Place That Makes It Distinct From Everywhere Else.

A Lot Of The Fiction I Read Growing Up Was Post-war American, And Not All Of It Centers On Manhattan, But Around People Of The Mad Men Generation, People Like John Cheever And, In More Modern Times, Don Delillo, Who I Always Mention.

In My Personal Life, My Family Makes Me Laugh More Than Anybody; I Think That Is The Same For Everybody. I Certainly Hope It Is.

If You're A Comic, You Don't Have A Rehearsal Room, You Rehearse On Stage. My Main Concern Is Remembering Everything.

You're Supposed To Eat The Cows. They're Great Big Lumbering Stupid Things - They'd Be Everywhere If We Didn't Eat Them.

I Think A Lot Of The Time You Just Parody Yourself.

It Should Not Be An Act Of Social Disobedience To Light A Cigarette. Unless You're Actually A Doctor Working At An Incubator.

I Know There's Similar Dissatisfaction In America. There's A Lot Of White People Who Come From Blue Collar Backgrounds And Who Feel Ill-equipped And Badly Served By Modern Economics And The Modern Job Market.

The American Political Machinery Is Awesome To Behold In Its Scale And Expense And Waste And Madness. It's The Greatest Circus On Earth I Suppose.

Why Do I Even Dare To Think I Could Dream I Could Imagine I Could Hope?!

I Never Thought I Want To Do Anything, Really, Except Not Go To Work Properly And Turn Up At The Same Place Every Day And Eat Sandwiches In The Same Canteen, If I Can Possibly Help It, As I Don't Think I'd Be Very Good At It.

I'm Irish, Yeah, But I Don't Need To Get Up On A Soapbox About It.

I'm Delighted To Make As Many People Feel Ashamed As Possible. There's Probably A Site Like That For Everybody. I've Heard Newt Gingrich Has His Own As Well.

I Find It Incredibly Boring When People Are Mean About Some Individuals, Especially If The Individual Has No Power. I Can Understand How Someone Deems It Necessary If Somebody Is In Power To Tear Them Down - I Think That's Really Crucial. I Make A Lot Of Mean Jokes About Myself; As A Theme, Suffering Seems To Me A Very Interesting Thing For Comedy, But Not The Suffering Of A Particular Individual.

You're Never Going To Go. Why Would You Go? It's A Disgusting Place. It's Always Wet Even When It's Dry. There's Nothing There. Farmers Aren't Really People, You Know This. They're Just Necessary, We Need Somebody To Kill Cows.

I'm Not A Fighter, I'm A Bleeder.

I Get A Phone Call Once Every 18 Months From Some Mad Person Who Wants Me To Do Something For Less Than No Money And They Give Me About A Week's Notice. That's My Film Career, Most Of The Time.

You Know It's A Sad Day When Your Child Looks At You And Asks 'daddy, Are These Organic?'

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Paper Acts As An Eraser On The Mind, As Soon As You Look At What You've Written.

You Exaggerate Your Own Reactions.

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People Will Kill You Over Time, And How They'll Kill You Is With Tiny, Harmless Phrases, Like 'be Realistic.'

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Tequila? It's Not Even A Drink. It's A Way For Having The Cops Around Without Using A Phone.

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I Do Pauses, Pauses Work For Me

Have I Had Therapy? I Went To A Yoga Class Once.

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So Here Are Some Foolproof Recipes For Those Of You Who Understand The True Function Of Food. Bean Treat: Gingerly Pour Four Fluid Oz Of Beans Or Something Into A Jug. Cry. Eat The Beans From The Jug And Pour The Rest From The Can Down Your Throat. N.b. These Taste Better If They Belong To Somebody Else In Your House. Pain Au Dunk: Fists Of Bread, Rent From The Loaf And Dunked Into Anything Runnier Than Bread. Should Eat At Least Six Of These Because…you Should. Don’t Toast The Bread. Toast Is Cookery.

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Its Not Easy Being A Man You Know. I Had To Get Dressed Today… And There Are Other Pressures.

You Learn Very Very Quickly That It Is Mostly About Swearing, Actually. That's All You're Doing, Swearing, In A Box With Wheels.

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I'm Organised In Some Ways, But Not In Others.

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I Was Fat! I Was Pustule-rich! I Looked Like A Pink Human Grenade! When Did I Blossom Into The Irresistible Little Orchid That I Am Now? I Don't Know. Getting Taller Helps. It Spreads Out A Bit.

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The Terror Of Failure Can Make You Feel Like A Failure. So A Bunch Of People Think You're Not Very Good At Your Thing. How Much Do You Invest In What They Say? How Much Do You Care? Failure Is Not Putting Yourself On The Line.

All The Shy People Are Doomed! Natural Selection Favors The Loud And The Aggressive

I Think That Women Just Have A Primeval Instinct To Make Soup, Which They Will Try To Foist On Anybody Who Looks Like A Likely Candidate.

I Suppose The Best Comedy Shows Do Have The Rock N' Roll Feeling - If It's A Great Night, And The Roof Is Raised Yeah, It's A Similar Feeling, Sure.

I Draw Hundreds And Hundreds Of Pictures Of Sort Of Gnarly Looking Men, So I Don't Know What That Tells You. People Who Look Like... They're Waiting For A Sandwich That's Never Going To Come. I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me.

The East Is Very Mysterious To Westerners. Even Post-cold War, It's Still An Unknown Entity.

You Can See Desperation In People Who Are Too Eager To Laugh Because They're In Such A Hurry Not To Look At What's Confronting Them In Their Lives And That's Kind Of Sad Because There's A Kind Of Pornographic Aspect To It, Of Making Some Sort Of Pain Go Away, Of Hovering Around A Pain, Making Yourself Numb, Not Feel Anything.

He Could Dismiss Several Schools Of Philosophy By Shifting Slightly In His Chair Or Toting His Whisky Glass.

I've Seen Stand Up Comedy, And After A While You Start To Notice That A Lot Of People Are Doing Things That Are Like A Lot Of Other People. There Can Be A Bit Of A Herd Mentality, And That's Obviously Less Interesting Because There's Less Going On. I'm Just Being Totally Frank With You.

You Know, People Sometimes Say To Me, 'do You Prefer To Do This Or That, Act Or Do Stand-up Or Write' But The Thing That I Enjoy Most Is The Difference Between All Of Them, Because You're Always Learning. I Don't Go Around Thinking Of Myself As A Great Anything. I'm Actually Lucky To Have The Chance To Fail At All Of Them.

I Don't See Teenagers Anymore. I See... I See Youths. Slumped S Shapes In Their Hoodies, All Huddled Round A Bin Of Burning Grannies. All Texting Eachother Because They've Given Up On Speech.

I Don't Know That You're Able To Measure Your Aggregate Wisdom As You Go Through Life. I Can't Say That I Ever Feel That I'm Sitting On Top Of A Growing Mound Of Wisdom.

I'm Fascinated By How You'll Change Your Position So Many Times Over A Lifetime, But Really What You're Doing Is Occupying A Series Of Positions On A Landscape.

You Should Be As Alive As You Can, Until You're Totally Dead!

My Drive To Put Myself On The Line Comes From Boredom. From That Feeling When You Go To Bed And Think, 'what Did I Do Today?' It Doesn't Have To Be Something Monumental, Just A Feeling That You Really Tried To Look At Something, Or Look Into Something.

Look At His Face. I Bet His Cornflakes Try To Crawl Out Of The Bowl.

I'll Have To Look Into [washington] D.c. A Bit More. I Know It's Given Over To The Administration And The Bureaucracy Connected To It. It's A Super-organism Of The American State. But There's Also A Parallel City In There Where Normal People Live.

I Have A Very Low Level Of Recognition, Which Is Fine By Me.

I Have No Qualifications To Do Anything Else And There Weren't Any Formal Application Forms You Had To Fill In For Stand-up, So I Thought I'd Give That A Twist.

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The Characters Can't Be Wittier Than People Are In Real Life. They Have To Be Character Witty.

I Do Not Walk Around Imaging Myself To Be Intimidating Or Smart.

Beer Must Be Made By Food Companies. It Makes You Wander The Streets At 3 Am Looking For Things To Eat. "what's That, Is It Moving, Get It!! It's A Nun! Fry Her!! Fry Her!"

As An Irish Person, There's A Historical Fascination With America: America Is The Default Green And Promised Land For Irish People And Italians; That's What We Grow Up With.

I Fear We Might Be Losing The Basic Human Facility To Be Alone - And With That You Throw Out Independent Decision-making, What To Trust, What Not To Trust; Key Stuff - A Perilous Loss.

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Shame Is One Of The Greatest Aphrodisiacs In The World, Anyway, Built Into Religion.

What Is Universal Can Be Surprising. Over Time You Find The Kind Of Stuff Which Has People Thinking 'that Is Just Something That Occurred To Me There's Something Wrong With Me', Is In Fact Stuff That Is Universal.

You've A Very Important, Early Decision To Make In Your Life: Are You Going To Be Alone, Or Are You Going To Be With Somebody Else? Are You Going To Be Sane, Or Not Lonely? A Couple Is A Strange Thing; It's An Organism That's Half As Intelligent As The Most Intelligent Member. And You Both Know Who It Is!

I'm Just Trying To Understand What's Around Me As Much As Anyone Else Is, Really. To Draw A Bead On A Moving Target.

I'm Just A Guy Who Happens To Work In Public From Time To Time. I've Built A Reputation As An Established Comic, Not As A Celebrity - A Celebrity Is Someone Who Is Famous But Doesn't Do Anything.

It's Easy To Smile When You Have A Squirrel's Intellect.

You Look Like A Horse In A Man Costume

We Are Both Drawn To Surreal Situations So The Writing Was A Joy.

Men Look At Breasts The Way Women Look At Babies. 'aw, Isn't That Lovely?'

Money Can't Buy You Love, But It Can Get You Some Really Good Chocolate Ginger Biscuits.

Religion Is The Yeast Of Death Cakes. It Is The Most Awful Agent On A Vulnerable Mind. It's The Refuge Of Alienated And Lonely People. It's What People Had Before Television. It Yokes People Together Into An Imaginary World. It Is Just People Talking To Their Imaginary Friends, At Length. I Wouldn't Mind, But Some Of The People Are World Leaders.

You Cannot Over Estimate How Infantile Men Are About Sex! Men Are People That Have Sex Because They Have A Headache... Or Are On Fire, Or Have Been Shot In The Head, Or Whatever It Is!

America's Work Ethic Is Non-stop; It's Not Even Enshrined In Law That Workers Have To Get Their Two Weeks Holiday Money. But Americans Work Harder Than Everyone Else I Can Think Of.

I Feel Very Very Old. My Hair Hurts. I Have Buttocks All Over My Body And I Can't Even Smoke Properly Any More. I Don't Have Lungs, I Just Have Two Poppadoms In Here.

And Yet, People Still Turn To Jesus. You Will Notice Though That The Kind Of People Who Turn To Jesus Tend To Be The Sort Of People Who Haven't Done That Well With Everybody Else.

You’re Not Going To Learn Anything If You’re Not Prepared To Go Flat, So I’m Very Happy To Go Flat.

I've Always Wanted To Visit [washington]. The Smithsonian Has Some Fantastic Archival Material On Blues Music, Which I'm Really Into. There's A Ton Of Stuff I Want To Do There. But It Just Never Happened.

I Don't Have Lungs Anymore! Just Two Spare Bags That Flew In Under A Bridge One Day.

I Thought The Office Was Good, Though I Didn't Think Of It As A Sitcom, Just As A Very Good Programme.

I Think I Still Get Something From The Original Broadcaster But I'm Certainly Not Aware Of Any Netflix Van Driving To My House And Unloading A Load Of Cash Into My Front Yard.

Some People Have Told Me That I'm Grumpy; It's Not Something That I'm Aware Of. It's Not Like I Walk Around Poking Children In The Eye... Not Very Small Ones, Anyway.

I Write All The Time, But You Just Want To Be Careful What You Put Out. That's All. You Want To Have The Confidence That You've Done What You Need To Do To It, Because Otherwise It's An Exercise In Vanity.

Of Course People Are Angry. Generation Upon Generation Had Jobs At Steel Mills Or Whatever - Things Were Going On And It Looked Like It Would Always Be That Way. And Then There's These Cataclysmic Changes And People Find Themselves Out On Their Arse And They're Angry And They Want Answers. But One Thing That's For Sure Is That Those Answers Will Not Come In The Form Of Donald J. Trump.

You Know, Just Sometimes, In Between The First Cigarette With Coffee In The Morning To That Four Hundredth Glass Of Cornershop Piss At 3am, You Do Sometimes Look At Yourself And Think...this Is Fantastic. I'm In Heaven.

You Have To Assume That You're Talking To The Most Intelligent, Tuned-in Audience You Could Ever Get. That's The Way You're Going To Get The Best Out Of People. Whether They Know You Or Not Shouldn't Matter For Comedy. They Should Get To Know You Pretty Quickly. And They Should Be Having A Good Time Pretty Quickly.

Maybe This Is Just Me, But As Time Goes By, I'm More Bewildered By Modernity. It Gets More Unfathomable With Every Passing Year.

Everybody Is Corrupted By Hotel Rooms. You Can't Help It. It's The Only Place In The World Where You Walk In And The First Think You Do Is Steal Everything Before You Take Your Coat Off.

I Don't Really Think Of Myself As An Actor.

Don't Clap I'm Not A Jazz Band For Christ's Sake.

If You're A Comic, You Don't Have A Rehearsal Room; You Rehearse On Stage. My Main Concern Is Remembering Everything. I've Written Lots Of Material, But How Do You Memorise 90 Minutes? That's One Hell Of A Long Speech. I've Always Had Problems With That.

I've Got Better Things To Do Than Read Rubbish About Myself.

Better Things To Do

You Can Laugh At Somebody Because They Are Innocent, And Because They Are Naive Or They Are About To Walk Into A Wall, But If Somebody's Giving You Stuff, If Somebody's Talking, Giving You Their Take On Things, What Makes You Laugh, Generally Speaking, Is Going To Be Somebody Who Is Telling It In An Angry Way.

You Know What You Are? You're A Beard With An Idiot Hanging Off It.

Lots Of Comics Try Stuff Out All Year Round, Which Is Very Sensible - I Don't.

I'm Not Drunk Onstage, Although I've Done That A Couple Of Times When I Was Younger. It's Partly Just The Way I Talk - I Talk Like Somebody In A Rocking Chair. I'm Your 150-year-old Grandmother.

I've Lived In The Uk For Longer Than I Lived In Ireland. I'm Not Worried About Myself, But It's Ridiculous For Youngsters.

It Probably Says Something Really Clinically Terrible About My Character That I Need To Get Up On A Stage And Go 'ra Ra Ra' In Front Of People.

Now I'm Not An Expert At Mathematics, But I Calculated It Would Take At Least Three Of Me To Take On One Third Of One Of Them, Even If They Were Attacking Me With Just Their Arse.

I Don't Go To Different Countries To Criticise Their Political System And Tell Them What They Should Be Doing - What Do I Know?

Irish People Give Big Hellos And Very Little Goodbyes. Unless They're Female, And Then They Spend Five Hours Talking In The Doorway To The Person That's Leaving Their House.

I'm Really Not Big On Nationalism, To Be Honest With You. I Really Don't Think It Gets People Anywhere Except Near A Pile Of Dead Bodies. I'm Irish, Yeah, But I Don't Need To Get Up On A Soapbox About It.

I Can't Swim. I Can't Drive, Either. I Was Going To Learn To Drive But Then I Thought, Well, What If I Crash Into A Lake?

I Do Think It's Perfectly Natural And Human To Want To Invest Belief In Something. It's Just A Facet Of Who We Are. What Do I Believe In? I Believe In The Obvious Things. The People I'm Close To And My Work - It's Not Complicated.

Children Are Very Overprotected Now, In Lots Of Ways. We're Very Nervous About Them. You Know, People Go, "don't Go Outside! Or Inside! Get Into The Cupboard With Some Spinach!" When I Was A Child They'd Kick You Out And You Weren't Expected To Come Back Until There Were Bats!

When Things Are Going Well, I Can't Write Fast Enough To Keep Up With My Mind. Writing Walks, Speech Runs And Talk Flies. Other Times, Though, It's Like Fishing.

Cooking? Oh We Were Great, You'd Take Anything And Melt Cheese On It, And The One Who Could Guess What It Was Didn't Have To Wash Up!

The Trend Now Is To Get Away From Stage Bound Sitcoms.

The Truth Is That I'm Constitutionally Incapable Of Doing An Ordinary Job.

I'm Quite A Compulsive Person-i Only Worked This Out Recently - I'm Compulsive, But I'm Also Very Indecisive. I Don't Know What I Want, But I Know That I Want It Now.

‎what's The Weather Like? ... It's Fierce Mild!

I Quite Fancy The 1940s. I Like The Trams And The Trousers.

I Need A Healthy Injection Of Cynicism Right Now.

Don't You Dare Use Party As A Verb In My Shop

Wow This Place Is Really Big Isn't It? They Must Do Proper Stuff Here, Like Opera And All That...shite.

[washington] Is The Political Capital. It's Essentially A Big Office.

It's True That I Have Spoken About Doing A Book Before, But Then Everyone You Speak To Is Planning To Write A Book.

If You Covered A Broom Handle With Oil And Shoved It Up My Arse, Then Put Me On A Trampoline, In A Lift, I Could Write A Better Song On The Walls.

I Have To Say, As Much I Am Respectful Of People's Faith And The Idea Of It Being Necessary For Them, But When It Comes To The Catholic Church As An Organization I Don't Have One Scintilla Of Compassion, Understanding, Anything. I Just Think They're The Most Heinous, Corrupt, Separatingly Vile Organization That's Ever Been On The Planet.

Then You Get These Articles About How Unhealthy Life Is In The City. You Know; Mobile Phone Tumours - Far More Likely In The City. Well You Know What, So Is Everything Else! Including Sex, Coffee And Conversation.

You're Talking To A Modern, Nice, Affable German Person And They're Saying To You Something Like 'you Know, Vell, It's A Critical Time Now For Germany Within Europe, Also Globally, Economically Ve Are Pretty Good, Ve Have Been Better. But Ve Are Very Vibrant In The Theater And Arts...' And All The Time You'll Be Listening To This, You're Thinking Mmm, Yeah, Mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

Men Don't Know Anything! Men Don't Know When Their Lives Became So Entirely Awful, When Everyone Else Turned Into Such A Tosser! A Man Does Not Know How He Came By The Half A Pie He Is Holding In His Hand. And Scientists - Those Frauds - Seize On This, And Try To Use It As Proof Of The Mysteries Of Human Consciousness And The Unknowable Nature Of The Brain, Which Is Rubbish!

One Thing That's Coming Up A Lot Is: Are You As Grumpy As You Appear From This Black Books Thing.

Showing Off Seemed To Me To Be A Highly Valuable And Necessary Activity When I Was 20.

I Think You Should, Yeah. You Should Wash Your Beard, Then Shave It Off, Nail It To A Frisbee And Fling It Over A Rainbow.

I Enjoy Performing, Always, But When You're Taping A Gig, You've Got To Blank Out This Mass Apparatus Of Self-consciousness That's Surrounding You, This Invitation To Drown In Self-consciousness. Otherwise You Just Won't Be Able To Do Anything.

I Wish I Was Like You! You Know Startled By Direct Sunlight.

Go And Lie Down In The Dark... For Hours... And Don't Move. I'm Locking The Door Now

Love In All Its Forms Is Very Difficult ... To Express. It Changes, Obviously. If You’re Young, And You’re Romantically In Love With Somebody, And Often If You’ve Just Met Somebody, Its Crazy! It’s Completely Overwhelming. You Can’t Think Of Anything Else. You Just Want To Climb Inside The Other Person And Live Under Their Pancreas. And Then It Mellows, Somewhat... To The Point Where You Can Barely Look At Them... Without Feeling A Mild Distaste

You Achieve The Surreal Jokes Through The Realism By Making It Elastic.

Black Books Adheres To A More Old Fashioned, Traditional Sitcom Format, Which I Think Works, Because In Its Own Way, It's Quite Theatrical.

I Never Really Had A Career, To Be Honest With You. I Never In My Life Sat Down And Planned It. I Have Thought, 'oh, I'd Like To Do This,' Like Anybody Would. But I'm Not The Type That Says, 'if I Do This, It Will Lead To That.'

You Can't Please Everyone, Nor Should You Seek To, Because Then You Won't Please Anyone, Least Of All Yourself.

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