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I Did A Guest Shot On A Comedy Series Where They Did 20 To 30 Takes Of Everything. It's Just Gone By Then. The Joke Is Over. It's Not Funny Anymore, And Then Of Course, The Editor's The One That Has To Figure Out The Timing. I Think A Lot Depends On That.

-Dick Van Dyke

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I Did A Guest

Dick Van Dyke

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I Did A Guest Shot On A Comedy Series Where They Did 20 To 30 Takes Of Everything. It's Just Gone By Then. The Joke Is Over. It's Not Funny Anymore, And Then Of Course, The Editor's The One That Has To Figure Out The Timing. I Think A Lot Depends On That.

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I've Always Been A Bit Of An Orphan, Because Actors Say, 'well, He's More Of A Dancer.' And Dancers Say, 'no. He's Really A Singer.' And Singers Say, 'no. He's An Actor.'

But Once We Got On The Air, Everybody Except Morey Amsterdam Pretty Much Stuck To The Script.

People Think I'm Talking Like I'm In Perfect Health, But I Have All The Infirmities For My Age. I Have Arthritis And All Those Things. But If You Keep Moving, That Won't Bother You.

I Played A Killer Twice. Once On 'matlock,' On Andy Griffith's Show, I Got To Play The Killer.

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Jon Stewart Kills Me. I Love Him. And Bill Maher. He Does An Hour On Hbo. But Entirely Political. It Is Awfully Rough, But He Does Make Me Laugh.

I Did A 'golden Girls' Once, Which Shot In Front Of An Audience, And That Went Well. I Had A Good Time. But I Need An Audience, For Comedy At Least.

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Emotionally I'm About 13.

We Had All Week To Rehearse. An Audience Would Come In At The End Of The Week And We'd Our Little Show. Most Of The Ad- Libbing Happened During The Week On The Show.

I Get Little Kids Who Recognize Me From 'mary Poppins,' And It Just Delights Me Because It's Our Third Generation.

So I Think We're Kind Of An Alternate Choice For People Who Have Had It With Sex And Violence.

'mary Poppins' Was One Of The Best Experiences Of My Life.

Best Experiences

Haters Are Going To Hate.

Young People Ask Me For Advice, And I Tell Them To Do What I Didn't Do. Get Some Training. I Took Jobs That Required Talents I Didn't Have.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates, I'm A Nerd And I Read Books

You Have To Be Able To Laugh At Yourself. Attitude Is Almost More Important Than What Happens To You.

I Have Also Heard And Read Various Accounts Of Why They [sheldon Leonard And Carl Reiner] Liked Me. My Favorites? I Wasn't Too Good-looking, I Walked A Little Funny, And I Was Basically Kind Of Average And Ordinary. I Guess My Lack Of Perfection Turned Out To Be A Winning Hand. Let That Be A Lesson For Future Generations.

My Kids Are So Much Better Parent Than I Was.

Put Me On Solid Ground And I'll Start Tapping! At My Age They Say To Keep Moving.

I Was Lucky To Get The Kinds Of Parts I Wanted. I Always Said I Didn't Want To Do Anything My Kids Can't See.

I Wanted To Be A Radio Announcer.

I Was A 'laurel And Hardy' Nut. I Got To Know Laurel At The End Of His Life, And It Was A Great Thrill For Me. He Left Me His Bow Tie And Derby And Told Me That If They Ever Made A Movie About Him, He'd Want Me To Play Him.

You're Going To Die. That's Going To Happen. What Matters Is What You Do With Your Time Before You Get Flushed Out.

No, I Did Night Clubs Right Here In Los Angeles. My Partner, Phil Erickson, Put Me In The Business, A Guy From My Home Town, A Dear Friend Who We Just Lost A Couple Of Months Ago.

Oh, Well, My First Love Is Comedy Or Singing And Dancing.

I'm Gonna Keep Singing And Dancing As Long As I Can.

Bob Hope, Like Mark Twain, Had A Sense Of Humor That Was Uniquely American, And Like Twain, We'll Likely Not See Another Like Him.

Once I Got A Job Singing And Dancing, A Reasonable Person Might Think, "maybe I Should Learn How To Do This." But No, I Never Did.

I Wasn't A Falling-in-the-gutter Type. I Drank At Home Because It Relaxed Me. I Was Shy Around New People, But After A Drink Or Two, I Became More Sociable.

I Think That's The Answer To A Good Marriage. Everyone Has Their Own Room.

Everybody Knows That I'm Shorter, But It Doesn't Bother Me At All.

One Day In '61, I Was Looking In The Santa Monica Phone Book For A Number, And There It Was: Stan Laurel, Ocean Avenue In Santa Monica. I Went Over There And Spent The Afternoon With Them. And Pumped Him With Questions. I Must Have Driven Him Crazy. I Spent A Lot Of Happy Hours At Stan's House On Sundays Just Talking About Comedy.

I'm Always Announcing My Retirement. I'm Still Not Retired.

We All Know We're Going To Die. We're All Circling The Drain. Some Of Us Are Closer Than Others. I'm 90, I Know I'm Closer To The Drain Than Most People.

I Married Somebody Half My Age, And Everybody Thought I Was Crazy, But She Is Just An Absolute Angel.

You Need Someone To Love, And Something To Do That You Enjoy, And Something To Hope For, And That's Enough For Me.

I Have Four Kids, Seven Grandkids, And Four Great-grandkids. Maybe I Can Become A Great-great-grandfather If I Hang On!

I Do Miss The Rhythms Of Comedy. And I've Never Been Able To Perform Very Well Without An Audience. The Sitcoms I've Done Had Them. It Was Like Doing A Little Play.

I've Retired So Many Times Now It's Getting To Be A Habit.

I Sing All Day. And It's Good For You. Good For Your Vocal Cords.

I Wanted To Be Stan Laurel, Then I Wanted To Be Fred Astaire And Then Captain Kangaroo. I Actually Started Out As A Radio Announcer When I Was 17 And Never Left The Business So That's Literally 70 Years.

I Taught Sunday School When I Was Younger, And Ended Up An Elder In The Church, And It Just Seemed To Me That A Lot Of People Who Went To Church Certainly Weren't - The Rest Of The Week - Living What I Would Call An Christian Life.

Women Will Never Be As Successful As Men Because They Have No Wives To Advise Them.

Funny Inspirational

I Grew Up In Danville, Illinois, Right In The Middle Of The State.

I Decided, When I Started Having Kids, That I'd Try Not To Do Anything That I Wouldn't Be Proud For Them To See. I've Kind Of Stuck With That, And I Don't Regret That At All, Although I've Lost Money And Passed Up A Lot Of Projects Because Of It. But I Feel Good About That.

I've Won Several Emmys, A Tony And A Grammy So Maybe Somebody Will Let Me Have An Oscar, And Then I'll Have A Full Set.

Some People Never Change Their Mind Through Their Whole Lives, About Anything, Despite New Information That Comes In. And Now That We Know That Homosexuality Is Not A Choice, It's Biological, I Think We Have To Love And Understand Them.

I Think The Saddest Moment In My Life Just Happened Two Months Ago. My Old Nightclub Partner Passed Away, Phil Erickson Down In Atlanta. He - I Owe Him Everything. He Put Me In The Business And Taught Me About Everything I Know.

Longevity In My Family's Been Pretty Good. And My Grandparents Were Pretty Spry At Their Age, So I Figured I'd Probably Stay Skinny And Fairly Agile. I Used To Do Old Men All The Time In Sketches. And There Used To Be An Organization Called The Gray Panthers. And They Would Send Me, Oh, Terrible Letters About Making Fun Of Old People. And I Would Just Always Say, "i'm Playing The Old Person I Intend To Become!"

When I Auditioned For 'bye Bye Birdie' On Broadway, Gower Champion Said, 'you've Got The Job!' I Said, 'mr. Champion, I Can't Dance.' He Said, 'we'll Teach You What You Need To Know.'

I'm The Anti-quentin Tarantino.

Somebody Asked What I Wanted On My Gravestone. I'm Just Going To Put: 'glad I Could Help.'

I Wouldn't Mind Taking A Chance At Real Time, I've Always Thought If I Could Pick My Interviewer, It'd Be Charlie Rose, Who I Think Is The Best.

I Was Always In Show Business But In Many Ways Was Not Really Of Show Business. I Didn't Move In Show Business Circles, Particularly, Still Don't Do It.

Today, With The Subject Matter That's Around Politically, And Internationally And Everything, I Think Carl Reiner Would Have A Ball. I Think The Format Should Stay The Same. I'd Sure Love To See Him Dealing With It Today.

Dealing With It

Oh, I Had An Idea For A Pilot Of My Own At The Time, And Then Carl Sent Me About Eight Scripts And Simply I Threw My Idea Out The Window Because The Writing Was Just So Good.

Once You Get The Kids Raised And The Mortgage Paid Off And Accomplish What You Wanted To Do In Life, There's A Great Feeling Of: 'hey, I'm Free As A Bird.'

I Turned Down Some Movies That Were Quite Good. Mainly On The Basis Of Taste.

Hope Is Life's Essential Nutrient, And Love Is What Gives Life Meaning

Walt Disney And I Always Said We Were Two Children Looking For Our Inner Adults.

I've Had A Lot Of Writers, In Particular, Who Said They Got Into Writing Because Of The 'van Dyke Show.' They Said It Looked Like Fun.

I Never Had A Lot Of Drive, But Because I Had Family Responsibilities, I Had A Lot Of Tenacity - The Tenacity Of A Drowning Man.

My Son Barry, Of Course, Has Been On From The Beginning. And His Son Shane Is Playing Now A Med Student Regularly On The Show. And At One Point Or Another, I've Had All Four Of His Kids On The Show.

It Means You Never Know What's Going To Happen,' I Said. 'you Do Your Best, Then Take Your Chances. Everything Else Is Beyond Our Control.

10 Years Ago, I Would've Host Saturday Night Live. But To Me, The Show Has Declined. For Some Reason, Humor Isn't What It Was. It Just, To Me, It's Not As Funny As It Was, Not As Sharply Satirical.

I Didn't Know The Answers, But I Could Feel That The Things That Gave Life Meaning Came From A Place Within And From The Nurturing Of Values Like Tolerance, Charity, And Community.

Meaning Of Life

I'm Not A Loner. I Have To Have A Life Partner.

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