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A Producer Came To Me About Doing A Memoir, And At First I Thought, "well, It's A Little Bland." But Then I Realized That Almost Everything That's Happened To Me Was The Result Of Being In The Right Place At The Right Time. And I Thought "well, Luck Has A Lot To Do With It," So I Wrote It From That Perspective.

-Dick Van Dyke

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A Producer Came To

Dick Van Dyke

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A Producer Came To Me About Doing A Memoir, And At First I Thought, "well, It's A Little Bland." But Then I Realized That Almost Everything That's Happened To Me Was The Result Of Being In The Right Place At The Right Time. And I Thought "well, Luck Has A Lot To Do With It," So I Wrote It From That Perspective.

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It Means You Never Know What's Going To Happen,' I Said. 'you Do Your Best, Then Take Your Chances. Everything Else Is Beyond Our Control.

We Had All Week To Rehearse. An Audience Would Come In At The End Of The Week And We'd Our Little Show. Most Of The Ad- Libbing Happened During The Week On The Show.

People Think I'm Talking Like I'm In Perfect Health, But I Have All The Infirmities For My Age. I Have Arthritis And All Those Things. But If You Keep Moving, That Won't Bother You.

'mary Poppins' Was One Of The Best Experiences Of My Life.

Best Experiences

My Work Is Just A Hobby. No, I Wouldn't Want To Do It Professionally. It's Too Hard. Deadlines Are No Fun. But I Can Sit And Tweak All Night And Not Worry About Time.

So I Think We're Kind Of An Alternate Choice For People Who Have Had It With Sex And Violence.

I Have Also Heard And Read Various Accounts Of Why They [sheldon Leonard And Carl Reiner] Liked Me. My Favorites? I Wasn't Too Good-looking, I Walked A Little Funny, And I Was Basically Kind Of Average And Ordinary. I Guess My Lack Of Perfection Turned Out To Be A Winning Hand. Let That Be A Lesson For Future Generations.

You Can Spread Jelly On The Peanut Butter But You Can't Spread Peanut Butter On The Jelly.

I Watch 'al Jazeera.' They Have News That You Can't Find Anywhere Else. They Do Great Documentaries, Too.

I Think The Saddest Moment In My Life Just Happened Two Months Ago. My Old Nightclub Partner Passed Away, Phil Erickson Down In Atlanta. He - I Owe Him Everything. He Put Me In The Business And Taught Me About Everything I Know.

My Favorite Unknown Movie Is 'the Comic.'

My Son Barry, Of Course, Has Been On From The Beginning. And His Son Shane Is Playing Now A Med Student Regularly On The Show. And At One Point Or Another, I've Had All Four Of His Kids On The Show.

I Wanted To Be A Radio Announcer.

There Are People With Their Ipads Are Taking Pictures So Much That They're Not Experiencing The Moment. They Go Home And Look At The Pictures Later.

Carl Reiner Particularly As A Writer, A Terrific Writer. He's Just Turning Out Things.

I Have Four Kids, Seven Grandkids, And Four Great-grandkids. Maybe I Can Become A Great-great-grandfather If I Hang On!

One Day In '61, I Was Looking In The Santa Monica Phone Book For A Number, And There It Was: Stan Laurel, Ocean Avenue In Santa Monica. I Went Over There And Spent The Afternoon With Them. And Pumped Him With Questions. I Must Have Driven Him Crazy. I Spent A Lot Of Happy Hours At Stan's House On Sundays Just Talking About Comedy.

I Was A 'laurel And Hardy' Nut. I Got To Know Laurel At The End Of His Life, And It Was A Great Thrill For Me. He Left Me His Bow Tie And Derby And Told Me That If They Ever Made A Movie About Him, He'd Want Me To Play Him.

No, I Did Night Clubs Right Here In Los Angeles. My Partner, Phil Erickson, Put Me In The Business, A Guy From My Home Town, A Dear Friend Who We Just Lost A Couple Of Months Ago.

I Married Somebody Half My Age, And Everybody Thought I Was Crazy, But She Is Just An Absolute Angel.

Probably One Of The Happiest Moments, Outside The Birth Of All Of My Kids, Was The First Time We Won An Emmy, That The Show Won An Emmy. That Was A Big Night.

'the Show' Was The Most Fun I Ever Had And The Most Creative Period Of My Life.

I Loved To Fall Down.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates, I'm A Nerd And I Read Books

Oh, I Had An Idea For A Pilot Of My Own At The Time, And Then Carl Sent Me About Eight Scripts And Simply I Threw My Idea Out The Window Because The Writing Was Just So Good.

I Wasn't A Falling-in-the-gutter Type. I Drank At Home Because It Relaxed Me. I Was Shy Around New People, But After A Drink Or Two, I Became More Sociable.

I Cannot Tell You What It Means When Children Recognize. This Is About The Third Generation For Me. And When Kids That Small Recognize Me, It Really Pleases Me, Very Gratifying.

When I Get Some Budding Young Comic Who'll Come Up To Me And Say, 'what Was It Like To Do It In Those Days?' I Try To Be As Gracious To Him As Stan Laurel Was To Me.

As Wonderful As They Were, My Parents Didn't Teach Me Anything About Self-discipline, Concentration, Patience, Or Focus. If I Hadn't Had A Family Myself, I Probably Never Would've Done Anything. Marriage Taught Me Responsibility.

Oh, Well, My First Love Is Comedy Or Singing And Dancing.

10 Years Ago, I Would've Host Saturday Night Live. But To Me, The Show Has Declined. For Some Reason, Humor Isn't What It Was. It Just, To Me, It's Not As Funny As It Was, Not As Sharply Satirical.

The Most Important Thing For Old Guys Is Never Start Going Down The Stairs Sideways.

I Got Into A Broadway Show Before I Ever Sang And Danced. I Learned How After I Got In The Show.

Walt Disney And I Always Said We Were Two Children Looking For Our Inner Adults.

We Used To Get 27, 28 Minutes To Do A Story In, And Now They're Lucky If They Get 18 Or 20 Minutes. So I Don't Think They Can Really Do A Beginning, A Middle, And An End Anymore. There's An Awful Lot Of One-line Jokes; Almost Every Line Is A Punchline. It's Not The Same, But There's Still Good Comedy Around.

I'm Always Announcing My Retirement. I'm Still Not Retired.

When I Started Having Kids, I Thought, 'i Don't Want To Do Anything They Can't Watch.'

Anyone Who Doesn't Sing And Dance At Every Opportunity Is Missing Out On The Joy Of Life.

There Are Tribes All Over The World Who Sing And Dance Every Day As Part Of Their Lives. And We Oughta Do That.

[my Mother] Once Cooked A Ham And Later Found It In My Father's Shirt Drawer. I Am Not Kidding.

I Never Made A Good Movie.

I Played A Killer Twice. Once On 'matlock,' On Andy Griffith's Show, I Got To Play The Killer.

You Have To Be Able To Laugh At Yourself. Attitude Is Almost More Important Than What Happens To You.

I Could Probably Play An Alcoholic. I've Had Some Experience With That.

I Think Most People Will Tell You That. They Can Go Along And, While They're Denying That They Are Addicted, Say It's Stress This, It's This, It's That. But I - It's - I Think - I Really Believe There Is A Gene. Some People Become Addicted And Others Don't.

Emotionally I'm About 13.

I've Retired So Many Times Now It's Getting To Be A Habit.

Once You Get The Kids Raised And The Mortgage Paid Off And Accomplish What You Wanted To Do In Life, There's A Great Feeling Of: 'hey, I'm Free As A Bird.'

Do You Know That I Was The Anchor On The 'cbs Morning Show?' And My Newsman Was Walter Cronkite.

I Know Friends Of Mine Who Have Never Changed Their Mind About Anything In Their Lives, Despite Evidence From All Directions. And I Think If You Can Keep An Open Mind And Some Understanding, That Helps You Stay Young.

I'm The Anti-quentin Tarantino.

I Think The Biggest Mistake - I Was Always A Big Fan Of Cary Grant, And He Asked Me To Do A Movie With Him, Playing The Second Lead, And I Didn't Do It. And To This Day, I Can't Remember Why. But I Could've Said I Worked With Cary Grant, But I Turned Him Down. That Was Probably The Biggest Mistake I Ever Made.

When I Was A Kid, I Had Ambitions For Being A Television Announcer, Which Was Before Television Took Off, You Know, In The Late 40s. And Just Through Necessity, Going Out Looking For Work, I Was Starting To Sing, And Dance, And Act, And I Never Expected To Do That, Nor To Have Any Success At It At Least.

I Was The Worst Game Show Host That Ever Lived, And I Knew It.

I've Met Presidents, But I've Never Performed For One. I Said It Was The First Time In 50 Years I Actually Had Butterflies. You Know, The Obamas Were Sitting Out There, The Supreme Court, Maya Angelou, And Desmond Tutu For God's Sake, All In The Front Row.

Young People Ask Me For Advice, And I Tell Them To Do What I Didn't Do. Get Some Training. I Took Jobs That Required Talents I Didn't Have.

I've Never Been What You'd Call A Great Singer, But I Loved To Sing.

I Turned Down Some Movies That Were Quite Good. Mainly On The Basis Of Taste.

Today, If You're Not An Alcoholic, You're Nobody.

All Of Us Involved Say 'the Dick Van Dyke Show' Was The Best Five Years Of Our Lives. We Were Like Otters At Play.

So At 16 I Got A Job At The Local Radio Station. And I Was Working After School And Weekends. I Did The News; I Did Everything. I Did - Played Records.

But Once We Got On The Air, Everybody Except Morey Amsterdam Pretty Much Stuck To The Script.

You Need Someone To Love, And Something To Do That You Enjoy, And Something To Hope For, And That's Enough For Me.

I Was Lucky To Get The Kinds Of Parts I Wanted. I Always Said I Didn't Want To Do Anything My Kids Can't See.

I Was Always In Show Business But In Many Ways Was Not Really Of Show Business. I Didn't Move In Show Business Circles, Particularly, Still Don't Do It.

I Would Love To See Carl Reiner Working In The Arena Today. He Did Some Marvelous Things On Our Show In The Early '60s When It Was A Little Edgy. We Did Shows About Blacks, A Couple, Three Of Those. Some Thought-provoking Stuff.

I Think That's The Answer To A Good Marriage. Everyone Has Their Own Room.

I Wouldn't Mind Taking A Chance At Real Time, I've Always Thought If I Could Pick My Interviewer, It'd Be Charlie Rose, Who I Think Is The Best.

I Never Had A Lot Of Drive, But Because I Had Family Responsibilities, I Had A Lot Of Tenacity - The Tenacity Of A Drowning Man.

Moses Probably Danced A Little, Right? You Don't Part The Red Sea Without Having Some Moves.

My Wife, As Proud As She Was Of Me, Hated Show Business For Good Reasons. There Was Something About The Spouse Always Being Pushed Out Of The Way, Shoved Aside. She Wanted To Get Away From It.

I Have Two Kids Who Were Like Me, We Get Out Of Bed Feeling Good, And The Other Two Would Sit At The Breakfast Table And Grumble. I Think It's Born Into Us. I Usually Wake Up Feeling Pretty Good. Looking Forward To The Day.

I Think There's Kind Of A Wave Of Nostalgia Going On Right At The Moment. You Know, People Recall An Earlier Time, Which They See As A Better Time. And I Think We Just Kind Of Evoke Good Thoughts When They Look At Us. That's The Feeling I Get.

The Secret To Keeping Moving Is Keeping Moving.

A Producer Came To Me About Doing A Memoir, And At First I Thought, "well, It's A Little Bland." But Then I Realized That Almost Everything That's Happened To Me Was The Result Of Being In The Right Place At The Right Time. And I Thought "well, Luck Has A Lot To Do With It," So I Wrote It From That Perspective.

I Have Four Children And I Have Seven Grandkids.

I Had An Uncle Who Had A Car With A Rumble Seat, And I Used To Love To Ride In That Thing. I Mentioned This To Some Kids, And They Were Like, "what Are You Even Talking About?"

I Get Little Kids Who Recognize Me From 'mary Poppins,' And It Just Delights Me Because It's Our Third Generation.

In My Seventies, I Exercised To Stay Ambulatory. In My Eighties, I Exercise To Avoid Assisted Living.

Otherwise, Everything Got Better And Better, Just One Surprise After Another. And That's Why I Wrote The Book About A Matter Of Being In The Right Place At The Right Time, And Just Luck.

A Lot Of Violence, A Lot Of Gore In It, And I Just Didn't Want To Do That Kind Of Thing.

I'm Not Quite As Much Of A Curmudgeon Being Old. I'm Not Cantankerous. But Otherwise, I'm About The Same.

There Aren't Many Pratfalls In Comedy Anymore.

They Did Ask Me To Do 'dancing With The Stars;' I Said I Can Do One Show, But On That Show You Have To Come Up With A New Number Every Week, And I Told Them That I Think I'm A Little Past That Stage.

I Didn't Know The Answers, But I Could Feel That The Things That Gave Life Meaning Came From A Place Within And From The Nurturing Of Values Like Tolerance, Charity, And Community.

Meaning Of Life

Hope Is Life's Essential Nutrient, And Love Is What Gives Life Meaning

A Lot Of The Guilt Didn't Help My Drinking At That Point. I Never Expected A Divorce To Happen In My Life Particularly, But It Just Slowly Happened. My Wife Was Proud Of Me, But She Hated The Business, And For Good Reason. The Spouses Get Moved, Shoved Aside, And Ignored, And It's Just, It's Terrible.

I Worked Nightclubs All Through My 20s, And I Was A Teetotaler.

Put Me On Solid Ground And I'll Start Tapping! At My Age They Say To Keep Moving.

I Grew Up In Danville, Illinois, Right In The Middle Of The State.

Haters Are Going To Hate.

I Think It's Being Thrown At The Wolves, We Call It In Our Business.

I Would Love To Be Moses.

Rob Petrie Is Who I Really Am - In Personality And General Ineffectiveness.

Ineffectiveness

My Brother And I Laughed A Lot As Kids. We Came Up In The Middle Of The Depression, And Neither One Of Us Knew We Were Poor. We Had Nothing, But We Didn't Know It.

Today, With The Subject Matter That's Around Politically, And Internationally And Everything, I Think Carl Reiner Would Have A Ball. I Think The Format Should Stay The Same. I'd Sure Love To See Him Dealing With It Today.

Dealing With It

I Did A 'golden Girls' Once, Which Shot In Front Of An Audience, And That Went Well. I Had A Good Time. But I Need An Audience, For Comedy At Least.

I Did A Guest Shot On A Comedy Series Where They Did 20 To 30 Takes Of Everything. It's Just Gone By Then. The Joke Is Over. It's Not Funny Anymore, And Then Of Course, The Editor's The One That Has To Figure Out The Timing. I Think A Lot Depends On That.

Stan Said He Used To Keep Hardy Late, Make Him Miss His Golf Game, And Really Get Him Mad.

I Found Doing That Kind Of Comedy Without An Audience Is Just... For Me, It's Almost Impossible. You Need The Audience To Do Their Half Of The Work.

I Taught Sunday School When I Was Younger, And Ended Up An Elder In The Church, And It Just Seemed To Me That A Lot Of People Who Went To Church Certainly Weren't - The Rest Of The Week - Living What I Would Call An Christian Life.

I've Got Plenty Of Arthritis. But If You Keep Moving, It Won't Bother You That Much. That's Why Old Guys Stiffen Up. They Forget They Have To Get Out Of Their Chairs And Do Something. You Let The Moss Grow Over, It's Your Own Fault.

Only Funny Line I've Had Was My First Day On The Set Of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. They Were Making Me Up, And I Saw The Director Call The Makeup Man Over, And He Says "what Are We Going To Do About The Hooter?" And The Makeup Guy Said, "i'm Not A Plastic Surgeon." So I Started That Show With A Big Nose, And Quite Conscious Of It.

I Hear Music And My Feet Just Start Moving.

I Never Wanted To Be An Actor And To This Day I Don`t. I Can`t Get A Handle On It. An Actor Wants To Become Someone Else. I Am A Song-and-dance Man And I Enjoy Being Myself, Which Is All I Can Do.

I Found Out Retirement Means Playing Golf, Or I Don't Know What The Hell It Means. But To Me, Retirement Means Doing What You Have Fun Doing.

Somebody Asked What I Wanted On My Gravestone. I'm Just Going To Put: 'glad I Could Help.'

I've Had A Lot Of Writers, In Particular, Who Said They Got Into Writing Because Of The 'van Dyke Show.' They Said It Looked Like Fun.

I Went From My Mother To My Wife. And To This Day, I Can't Bear To Be Alone.

Jon Stewart Kills Me. I Love Him. And Bill Maher. He Does An Hour On Hbo. But Entirely Political. It Is Awfully Rough, But He Does Make Me Laugh.

I Sing All Day. And It's Good For You. Good For Your Vocal Cords.

Women Will Never Be As Successful As Men Because They Have No Wives To Advise Them.

Funny Inspirational

I Wrote A Little Autobiography About How Luck Has To Do With Everything. It's Called "my Lucky Life In And Out Of Show Business." A Publisher Came To Me And Said Write A Book So I Did. I Wanted To Call It "everybody Else Has Got A Book."

You're Going To Die. That's Going To Happen. What Matters Is What You Do With Your Time Before You Get Flushed Out.

I've Been Talking About Retiring For Years. It's My Standard Answer To The Question, 'what Are Your Future Plans?' The Truth Is, I'll Always Want To Do Things That Are Worthwhile Or Fun.

In The Best Of All Worlds, The Producers Would Take Some Responsibility For The Kinds Of Things They're Putting Out. Unfortunately, They Don't.

I Do Miss The Rhythms Of Comedy. And I've Never Been Able To Perform Very Well Without An Audience. The Sitcoms I've Done Had Them. It Was Like Doing A Little Play.

I Just Think Everyone Needs Their Own Private Space.

We Spent A Lot Of Time Together And Had A Great Time With Mary Tyler Moore. And Just Working With Her Was Like Improv.

Had A Great Time

I Wanted To Be Stan Laurel, Then I Wanted To Be Fred Astaire And Then Captain Kangaroo. I Actually Started Out As A Radio Announcer When I Was 17 And Never Left The Business So That's Literally 70 Years.

If You Spend Your Life Thinking, "i Wonder If Today Is When It Ends," You're Going To Miss Out On Everything Wonderful.

I've Made Peace With Insecurity... Because There Is No Security Of Any Kind.

I Always Loved To Dance, But I Never Had A Clue What I Was Doing.

Everybody Knows That I'm Shorter, But It Doesn't Bother Me At All.

We Should Never Judge A Day By Its Weather.

I'm Really In Retirement. My Career Is Over. I'm Just Playing Now And Having A Great Time. I Like To Keep Busy, And I'm Doing What's Fun For Me.

I Decided, When I Started Having Kids, That I'd Try Not To Do Anything That I Wouldn't Be Proud For Them To See. I've Kind Of Stuck With That, And I Don't Regret That At All, Although I've Lost Money And Passed Up A Lot Of Projects Because Of It. But I Feel Good About That.

Sing Like Nobody Can Hear You, Dance Like Nobody Can See You, And Love Like You've Never Been Hurt.

I Can't Work With My Brother Without Laughing.

I Like 'the Office.' I Particularly Like The British Version With Ricky Gervais. Of Course, I Liked The 'seinfeld' Show A Lot. I Thought That Was An Awfully Good Show.

When I Was A Kid, I Loved All The Silent Comedians - Buster Keaton, Laurel And Hardy, Chaplin. And I Used To Imitate Them. I'd Go To See A Buster Keaton Movie And Come Home And Try Things Out I'd Seen. I Learned To Do Pratfalls When I Was Very Young.

But I Wish They Would Make A Musical Of Some Kind. I Miss Musicals So Much. You Don't See Them Anymore.

I Think, The 'van Dyke Show' And 'mary Poppins' Are Two Of The Best Periods Of My Life. I Had So Much Fun, I Didn't Want It To End.

I've Won Several Emmys, A Tony And A Grammy So Maybe Somebody Will Let Me Have An Oscar, And Then I'll Have A Full Set.

I'm Not A Loner. I Have To Have A Life Partner.

We All Know We're Going To Die. We're All Circling The Drain. Some Of Us Are Closer Than Others. I'm 90, I Know I'm Closer To The Drain Than Most People.

So As My Kids Will Tell You, They Had A Pretty Normal Life.

You Know, I'm Almost Out Of The Habit Of Watching Episodic Television Now.

I Sing And Dance. That's My Job.

Once I Got A Job Singing And Dancing, A Reasonable Person Might Think, "maybe I Should Learn How To Do This." But No, I Never Did.

Longevity In My Family's Been Pretty Good. And My Grandparents Were Pretty Spry At Their Age, So I Figured I'd Probably Stay Skinny And Fairly Agile. I Used To Do Old Men All The Time In Sketches. And There Used To Be An Organization Called The Gray Panthers. And They Would Send Me, Oh, Terrible Letters About Making Fun Of Old People. And I Would Just Always Say, "i'm Playing The Old Person I Intend To Become!"

No, No, It Was The Relationships. That Was That Group. People Believed That Rob And Laura Were Really Married In Real Life. You Know, A Lot Of People Believed That.

I Asked Fred Astaire Once When He Was About My Age If He Still Danced, And He Said 'yes, But It Hurts Now.' That's Exactly It. I Can Still Dance Too, But It Hurts Now!

I've Always Been A Bit Of An Orphan, Because Actors Say, 'well, He's More Of A Dancer.' And Dancers Say, 'no. He's Really A Singer.' And Singers Say, 'no. He's An Actor.'

I Was The Class Clown, You Know, That Kind Of Thing, And I Gathered Around Me A Group Of Guys Who Also Were Silly. I Was In All The Plays And Everything. But I Don't Know, At That Time Show Businesses Looked Like The Moon, You Know, It Was So Far Away. I Wanted To Be A Radio Announcer.

My Kids Are So Much Better Parent Than I Was.

Bob Hope, Like Mark Twain, Had A Sense Of Humor That Was Uniquely American, And Like Twain, We'll Likely Not See Another Like Him.

I Think Both Of Those: The Subject Matter, Pop Culture... The Talent, I Don't Think... There's No Jim Belushi In Saturday Night Live, For Me. And Probably, You Know, Possibly The Material. They've Done Everything Over The Years.

I Don't Have Any Children; I Have Four Middle-aged People.

Everything's Getting Homogenized. It Seems To Me Like Music And Behavior And Everything Else Is Getting Homogenized.

I Went Public With The Alcoholism, Very Early On... The Early '70s. Mercedes Mccambridge, The Actress, I Think Was The First Recognizable Person That Went Before Congress And Talked About It, And I Thought That Was A Good Idea, To Take Some Of The Stigma Away From It And Say "normal, Average People Can Fall Prey To It." So It's Been Public For Me. I Did A Movie About An Alcoholic. And Today, You're Nobody Unless You've Been To Rehab. It Seems Like Everybody Has Some Kind Of An Addiction.

I'm Gonna Keep Singing And Dancing As Long As I Can.

When I Auditioned For 'bye Bye Birdie' On Broadway, Gower Champion Said, 'you've Got The Job!' I Said, 'mr. Champion, I Can't Dance.' He Said, 'we'll Teach You What You Need To Know.'

There's A Lot Of Very Funny People I'd Love To Work With That I've Never Met, Of Course. I Love Steve Martin And Jim Carrey.

I Don't Play Golf. I Have More Fun Singing And Dancing.

Some People Never Change Their Mind Through Their Whole Lives, About Anything, Despite New Information That Comes In. And Now That We Know That Homosexuality Is Not A Choice, It's Biological, I Think We Have To Love And Understand Them.

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