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During His Weekly Address To The Nation, President Obama Discussed Higher Education And Said, 'the Most Important Skill You Can Sell Is Your Knowledge.' Or As English Majors Working At Starbucks Put It, 'no It's Not.'

-Jimmy Fallon

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During His Weekly Address

Jimmy Fallon

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During His Weekly Address To The Nation, President Obama Discussed Higher Education And Said, 'the Most Important Skill You Can Sell Is Your Knowledge.' Or As English Majors Working At Starbucks Put It, 'no It's Not.'

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People Ask Me, Jimmy, Howd You Get Here Tonight. Lets Just Say It Involved A Two-hour Make-out Session With Elaine Stritch. It Got Pretty Heavy Actually, I Almost Had To Host.

The Department Of Agriculture Announced That It Will Ban Six New Strains Of E. Coli. Which Explains Why The Hot Dog Vendor Outside My Building Is Now Just Selling Napkins.

[writing A Joke] There Is No Team Of Writers. It's Just You In An Office, Staring At Yourself In The Mirror.

Whenever I'm Stuck In Traffic, I Can't Help But Wonder, 'where Did The Creator Of The Jetsons Go, And Why Hasn't He Done Something About This?'

You Only Think Of The Best Comeback When You Leave.

Joe Biden Will Speak To The Nation's Largest Gay Rights Group During A Human Rights Convention On Friday. Then On Saturday, He Is Scheduled To Speak To Them Again To Apologize For Whatever He Said In Friday's Speech.

Oh Here's An Idea: Let's Make Pictures Of Our Internal Organs And Give Them To Other People We Love On Valentine's Day. That's Not Weird At All.

Funny Valentines Day

Today Is The Midterm Elections. The Washington Post Is Predicting That There's A 98 Percent Chance Of The Republicans Taking The Senate And The New York Times Says There's A 75 Percent Chance. And Cnn Said, 'wait, That's Today?'

Republicans In Congress Are Getting Concerned That President Obama Will Try To Use The Final Year Of His Term To Push Through Too Many Controversial Laws. Obama Would've Responded But He Was Busy Drafting His New 'mandatory Mexican Gay Weed' Bill.

President Obama Finally Has His Own Personal Twitter Account. Even John Mccain Said, 'welcome To The Internet, Grandpa.'

Donald Trump Announced That He's Running For President. During His Speech He Told The Crowd That If Elected He Would Be 'the Greatest Jobs President That God Ever Created.' Then God Said, 'hey, Don't Drag Me Into This Publicity Stunt.'

A New Poll Also Shows That A Majority Of People In Colorado Think Hillary Clinton Is Not Trustworthy. Although, That's Not Saying Much Coming From The Most Paranoid State In America. 'hillary Clinton? She's A Cop?'

The Bp President Said Yesterday That The Company Would Survive. That's Like Someone Running Over Your Dog And Saying, 'don't Worry, My Car Is Fine.'

Hurricane Irene ... The Storm Was Huge News. In Fact, The Weather Channel Reported Something They Haven't Seen In Years. Viewers.

You Run On The Treadmill. But You Need To Stop Watching The Food Network When You're Doing It. That Is How You Torture Yourself.

Shepard Fairey, The Street Artist Responsible For President Obama's 'hope' Poster, Is Now Facing Vandalism Charges In Detroit. It's Pretty Serious. Detroit Officials Say The Artist's Spray Paint Caused Over $9,000 Worth Of Improvements.

President Obama Is Launching A New $6 Billion Space Policy That Will Ultimately Take Astronauts To Mars. Of Course, It's $6 Billion And $45 If The Astronauts Have A Carry-on.

The White House Announced That President Obama Will Attend A Summit In Kenya This July. When Asked If He's Ever Been To Kenya, Obama Said, 'of Course. I Was Born - No, Bored - Over There. There's Nothing To Do In Kenya.'

Got Bin Laden And Interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win For Obama All Around.

Rachel Dolezal Stepped Down From Her Position As President Of An Naacp Chapter After It Was Revealed That She Was A White Woman Pretending To Be Black. Now Her Brother Says He Knew About It But She Asked Him Not To Blow Her Cover. Unfortunately, Her Cover Had Already Been Blown By God When He Made Her A Blond-haired, Blue-eyed White Lady.

This Week The Obama Administration Warned China To Remove Its Secret Agents From The U.s. Then In The Middle Of Obama's Announcement A Plant Behind Him Got Up And Walked Away.

That's Right, Mitt Romney Took On Evander Holyfield In A Boxing Match For Charity, And It Was A Pretty One-sided Fight. But It Was Still Not The Worst Boxing Match We've Seen This Month. This Weekend Vladimir Putin Played In An Exhibition Hockey Game With Some Former Nhl Players And Scored Eight Goals. Even Evander Holyfield And Mitt Romney Said, 'that Looks Fake.'

President Obama Said That If He Could Have Any Superpower, He'd Want The Ability To Speak Any Language. That's So Everyone In The World Could Tell Him He Picked One Of The Lamest Possible Superpowers.

Officials At The London Olympics Will Be Conducting 5,000 Tests For Steroids. Or As Lance Armstrong Calls That, 'a Monday.'

London Olympics

President Obama Spent Election Day Away From Any Press Coverage, Attending Closed-door Meetings Inside The White House. But On The Bright Side, It Is Nice To See Some Doors Actually Closed At The White House. It's A Whole New Secret Service Security Thing.

I Remember Watching Soulja Boy On Youtube Over And Over Again To Prepare For It. For The First One, I Was Up All Night In My Kitchen, Practicing The Dance, Because I Knew I Had To Dance With Timberlake And That Guy Can Dance.

Hillary Clinton's Younger Brother Tony Is Facing Criticism For Using The Clintons' Political Connections To Help His Career. So On The Down Side, She Has A Sketchy Brother Named Tony. On The Up Side, She Just Locked Up Every Vote In New Jersey.

Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Announced That He's Endorsing Mitt Romney For President. It's Good News For Romney. I Mean, You Always Want Chris Christie On Your Side. Unless You're In A Canoe.

One Of The Candidates At The Early Gop Debate, George Pataki, Said His Routine Before Every Debate Is To Drink A Diet Lemon Snapple Iced Tea And Pray. Which Is Also The Advice Chris Christie Gets From His Doctor.

Father's Day Is Important Because, Besides Being The Day On Which We Honor Dad, It's The One Day Of The Year That Brookstone Does Any Business.

Trump Is Running For President And He's Wasting No Time Getting Down To Business. In Fact, Just After His Announcement He Demanded To See Jeb Bush's Birth Certificate.

I Like Living With Myself. I Mean Obviously, Because Here I Am Interviewing Myself.

Over The Weekend It Came Out That The U.s. Has Been Listening In On German Chancellor Angela Merkel's Cellphone Since 2002. At This Point, I Feel Like The Only World Leader Our Government Doesn't Listen To Is President Obama.

Vladimir Putin Celebrated His 63rd Birthday Today. He Had A Nice Party, But It Got Awkward When Two Of His Friends Got Him The Same Country.

In A New Interview, The President Discussed The Upcoming Election. He Said That Hillary Clinton Is Going To Do Great As A Presidential Candidate. When Asked How Biden Would Do, Obama Said, 'hillary's Going To Do Great.'

A New Poll Found That 43 Percent Of Americans Think President Obama Is Doing A Good Job At Handling The Bp Oil Spill. Of Course, The Same Poll Found That 43 Percent Of Americans Hate Pelicans.

I Was Into The Mets Because My Dad Worked At Ibm Where He Got Free Mets Tickets, So I Was Into The Mets... Then I Got To 'saturday Night Live' Where My Boss Has Unbelievable N.y. Yankees Tickets, So He Invites Us To The Games. I'm Going To All The Games, So I Might As Well Root For The Team I'm Gonna Go Sit With.

Marco Rubio's Presidential Campaign Has Raised $40 Million In The Last Week. When He Heard That, Rubio Said, 'hey, Any Chance I Can Drop Out Of The Race And Just Keep The 40 Million?'

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