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You Run On The Treadmill. But You Need To Stop Watching The Food Network When You're Doing It. That Is How You Torture Yourself.

-Jimmy Fallon

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You Run On The

Jimmy Fallon

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You Run On The Treadmill. But You Need To Stop Watching The Food Network When You're Doing It. That Is How You Torture Yourself.

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Look, I Know These Rick Perry Jokes Are A Little Mean, But Tomorrow, He Won't Even Remember Them.

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I Just Heard About A Woman In Germany Who Just Gave Birth To A Baby Boy Named "jihad." Or As The Tsa Put It, "hope You Like Amtrak!

Regis Philbin's Back In Primetime, Hosting 11 New Episodes Of 'who Wants To Be A Millionaire.' But Because Of Obama's Tax Plan, It's Been Re-titled 'who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'

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[writing A Joke] There Is No Team Of Writers. It's Just You In An Office, Staring At Yourself In The Mirror.

A Peacock Escaped From The Central Park Zoo And Wandered Around The City. Either That Or I Just Saw A Pigeon On His Way To A Gay Pride Parade.

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Apparently President Obama's Favorite Cocktail Is A Martini. When Asked How He Likes It, He Said, 'on The Beach, In Hawaii, In 2017.'

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Republican Candidate Ben Carson Told Reporters He Thinks American Prisons Might Be Too Comfortable. As Opposed To Mexican Prisons That Have Personal Showers With $5 Million Escape Tunnels.

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A Pennsylvania Woman Convicted For Shoplifting Was Sentenced To Wear A Badge That Reads "convicted Shoplifter." However, Her Lawyers Hope To Plea Bargain Down To A Bumper Sticker Reading "i'd Rather Be Stealing!.

In New York, There Are So Many Potholes, They're Like Craters On The Moon. That's Another Traffic Thing.

I'd Be Nothing Without My Wife. She's The Coolest. She's The Greatest. She Is The Smartest. She's The Funniest. I Love Her So Much. She's Like The - It's Like Your Best Friend For The Rest Of Your Life.

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You Run On The Treadmill. But You Need To Stop Watching The Food Network When You're Doing It. That Is How You Torture Yourself.

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Ohio Governor John Kasich Became The 16th Republican To Announce That He Is Running For President. During His Speech He Referred To Jesus Christ, Which Is Ironic Because So Did Americans When They Heard Another Republican Was Running For President.

This Weekend President Obama Attended The Annual Gridiron Club Dinner, And During His Speech He Joked That He Is Getting Older And Crankier. Which Explains Why He Announced He No Longer Supports President Obama.

Former New York Governor George Pataki May Enter The Race For President. It's Not Definite, But He Tweeted That He'll Announce His 2016 Plans On May 28 In New Hampshire. Well, What's He Gonna Do, Go To New Hampshire To Say He's Not Running? That's Like Getting Down On One Knee And Saying, 'i Think It's Time To See Other People.'

Yesterday The Supreme Court Lifted The Ban On Same-sex Marriage In Kansas. They Didn't Give A Reason For The Ruling, But Then Again When A State Is Famous For A Judy Garland Musical About A Rainbow And A Wizard Who Comes Out Of A Closet, Do You Really Need An Excuse?

It Was Just Revealed That Donald Trump Hasn't Voted In Primary Elections In Over 20 Years. Or In Simpler Terms, Trump Hasn't Voted In Primary Elections In Over Three Wives.

You've Never Had A Job That You Thought Was Secure. You Don't Think The Tonight Show Is Risk Free. Especially When You Saw What Happened With Your Buddy Conan O'brien. There Is Always A Plan B.i Am Ready To Apply To The Post Office.

Apple Is Developing A Service Called Home Kit That Will Allow People To Operate Gadgets Like Garage Openers And Thermostats Through One App. In Related News, Please Don't Tell My Parents About This. I Can't Be Explaining This Stuff Every Week.

Some Areas Near Dallas Experienced A 3.5-magnitude Earthquake, Which Some Blame On Fracking. However, Scientists Say That It Was More Likely Aftershocks From Chris Christie Celebrating At The Cowboys Game.

Got Bin Laden And Interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win For Obama All Around.

I Think You Just Look For The Person You Have The Most Fun With. And That's Enough. You Realize, "wait, I Can Just Keep Having Fun With Her Forever?" Yes, You Can Do That. That Is The Key.

The One Thing You Shouldn't Do Is Try To Tell A Cab Driver How To Get Somewhere.

Time Magazine Interviewed Bill Clinton About The Current Presidential Campaign, And He Claimed He Had To Ask Hillary To Marry Him Three Times Before She Said Yes. Then Hillary Was Like, 'yeah. That Wasn't Me.'

Bernie Sanders' Presidential Campaign Announced That It Raised Over $1.5 Million In The 24 Hours After He Announced His Bid. Meanwhile, A 12-year-old On Kickstarter Just Raised $7 Million In Five Minutes After Announcing His Idea For Juice Box Water Guns.

I Wanted To Be The Next Dana Carvey. This Was My Ultimate Goal. If I Ever Cut Into A Birthday Cake And Made A Wish, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.' If I Threw A Coin Into A Fountain, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.' If I Saw A Shooting Star, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.'

Marco Rubio's Presidential Campaign Has Raised $40 Million In The Last Week. When He Heard That, Rubio Said, 'hey, Any Chance I Can Drop Out Of The Race And Just Keep The 40 Million?'

Whenever I'm Stuck In Traffic, I Can't Help But Wonder, 'where Did The Creator Of The Jetsons Go, And Why Hasn't He Done Something About This?'

I Got My Shot At The Movies. I Love Doing Standup Live. I Didn't Know What I Wanted To Do. I Wanted To Try Movies, So I Gave It A Shot. I Had Two Shots And I Didn't Really Do It. That Wasn't Really Happening For Me. On The Second Movie I Got To Meet The Girl That Would Be My Wife. So I Got To Hang Out With Her And Get Engaged, And Get The Whole Wedding Thing. It Was Really Great.

According To A New Survey, Almost Half Of The Voters In Ohio, Florida, And Pennsylvania Say That They Do Not Trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans Immediately Got Together And Said, 'ok, This Is A Huge Opportunity For Us. How Are We Going To Screw It Up?'

President Obama Became The First Sitting President To Visit A Federal Prison Yesterday. Obama Said It Was A Good Chance To Talk About Prison Reform, And To Catch Up With So Many Former Congressmen.

Tomorrow President Obama Will Host Nascar Racing Champion Kevin Harvick At The White House. They Both Said They Look Forward To Spending An Hour Or Two Not Having The Slightest Interest In What The Other Is Saying.

Barnes & Noble Ceo William Lynch Just Announced That He Is Stepping Down After Three Years. When Asked If He's Looking For A New Job, He Was Like, 'nah, Just Browsing.'

The Man Who Invented Doritos Has Passed Away At The Age Of 97. He Asked To Be Buried With The Creator Of Fritos And Cheetos In A Variety Pack.

Oh Here's An Idea: Let's Make Pictures Of Our Internal Organs And Give Them To Other People We Love On Valentine's Day. That's Not Weird At All.

Funny Valentines Day

New Scientist Magazine Reported That In The Future, Cars Could Be Powered By Hazelnuts. That's Encouraging, Considering An Eight-ounce Jar Of Hazelnuts Costs About Nine Dollars. Yeah, I've Got An Idea For A Car That Runs On Bald Eagle Heads And Faberge Eggs.

You Gotta Risk It To Get The Biscuit.

The U.s. Continues The Search For Osama Bin Laden. Reports Suggest That Bin Laden Is Most Likely Hiding Out Somewhere Remote And Barren, Where He Will Not Encounter Others. The Fbi Has Begun Searching Theaters Showing The Movie 'glitter.'

Osama Bin Laden

I Know What You Want. And I Know What You Need. But I'm Gonna Screw It Up, Yeah, Cause I'm An Idiot. And I'm Your Boyfriend.

We Have First Lady Michelle Obama On The Show Tonight. As You'd Expect, Security's Been Pretty Tight. On My Way In I Got Five Pat-downs, And That Was Just From Joe Biden.

Republicans Also Took Control Of The Senate After Gaining Another Seven Seats. I Haven't Seen The Gop Get This Many Seats Since Chris Christie Made An Airline Reservation.

President Obama Had Beer With Four Unemployed Construction Workers. And Obama Asked The Guys What Was It Like To Lose Their Jobs, And They Were Like, 'oh, You'll See.'

Construction Workers

President Obama Is Getting A New Limousine That Will Have Advanced Night-vision Capabilities. The Technology Even Has A Cool Name ... Headlights.

Newt Gingrich Plans To Announce His Campaign For President This Wednesday. I Don’t Know About His Chances. I Mean, I’m Not Saying Gingrich Peaked In The ‘90s, But His Campaign Is Being Sponsored By Tamagotchis And Crystal Pepsi.

I Saw That Donald Trump Is Selling His Penthouse Suite At The Trump Park Avenue Building Here In New York City For $21 Million. When Asked Why He's Selling It Now, Trump Said 'hey, Americans Seem To Be Buying Everything Else I'm Selling, So Why Not Strike While The Iron's Hot.'

Over On The Democratic Side, Martin O'malley Recently Spoke About The Need For Wall Street Reform And Said That He Isn't Running For President To Be Quote, 'wined And Dined' By Executives. Then Chris Christie Said, 'and I Am Also Not Running To Be Wined.'

I'm Not A Big Baseball Fan, To Be Honest.

In A New Interview, Herman Cain Said That If Rick Perry Were An Ice Cream Flavor, He'd Be 'rocky Road.' I Don't Know, Perry's Not Really Any Flavor Of Ice Cream. He's Just The Brain Freeze Part.

Thank You... Fat Dude With Giant Headphones On The Subway, For Looking Like What Would've Happened If Jabba The Hutt Mated With Princess Leia.

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