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When You Were A Kid, It [work In Ibm] Seemed Like An Awesome Job. I'd Get To Go To Work And Have A Briefcase. I Loved How Dad Wore A Tie And Got A Car. I Didn't Know If All Those Things Came Together. I'd See My Dad Go Off To Work And We'd Wait For Him To Come Home, And We'd All Be Excited To See Him.

-Jimmy Fallon

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When You Were A

Jimmy Fallon

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When You Were A Kid, It [work In Ibm] Seemed Like An Awesome Job. I'd Get To Go To Work And Have A Briefcase. I Loved How Dad Wore A Tie And Got A Car. I Didn't Know If All Those Things Came Together. I'd See My Dad Go Off To Work And We'd Wait For Him To Come Home, And We'd All Be Excited To See Him.

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New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Is Going To Israel. He's Going To Be Pretty Disappointed When He Finds Out The Gaza Strip Isn't A Steak.

A Clothing Company Is Making T-shirts Inspired By Bernie Sanders With Messages Like 'feel The Bern.' They Were Gonna Make Them For Lincoln Chafee Too, But No One Wants To Wear A Shirt That Says 'feel The Chafee.'

Researches Tested A New Form Of Medical Marijuana That Treats Pain But Doesn't Get The User High, Prompting Patients Who Need Medical Marijuana To Declare, 'thank You?'

You've Never Had A Job That You Thought Was Secure. You Don't Think The Tonight Show Is Risk Free. Especially When You Saw What Happened With Your Buddy Conan O'brien. There Is Always A Plan B.i Am Ready To Apply To The Post Office.

Thank You... Preseason Football, For Having All The Excitement, Commercials, And Time-outs Of The Regular Season, But With None Of The Mattering. I Appreciate It. Thank You.

The White House Announced That It Has Rejected Several Petitions To Legalize Marijuana. They Say It Has Nothing To Do With Politics. It's Just That They Can't Accept A Petition That Was Written On A Crumpled Up Funyuns Bag.

Tomorrow President Obama Will Host Nascar Racing Champion Kevin Harvick At The White House. They Both Said They Look Forward To Spending An Hour Or Two Not Having The Slightest Interest In What The Other Is Saying.

I Read That As Marijuana Legalization Becomes More Popular, It Could Affect The Jobs Of Drug-sniffing Dogs. Or As Those Dogs Put It, 'thanks, Bo Obama.'

During A Recent Interview, President Obama Revealed That His Favorite Movie This Year Was 'boyhood.' It Makes Sense. If There's One Thing Obama Can Identify With, It's Aging Several Years Over The Course Of A Couple Of Hours.

Sandler's Always Good. Tom Hanks Gave Me Some Good Advice.

Here's A Little Bit Of Good News. The Coast Guard Says That Bp Is Now Catching Up To 630,000 Gallons Of Oil A Day. The Bad News Is That They're Capturing It With Ducks.

It Was A Great Olympics - Team Usa Finished The Games With 17 More Medals Than China. China Said It Was Tough To Swallow - Especially When They Had To Make All Of Our "we're #1" T-shirts.

London Olympics

I Was Into The Mets Because My Dad Worked At Ibm Where He Got Free Mets Tickets, So I Was Into The Mets... Then I Got To 'saturday Night Live' Where My Boss Has Unbelievable N.y. Yankees Tickets, So He Invites Us To The Games. I'm Going To All The Games, So I Might As Well Root For The Team I'm Gonna Go Sit With.

A Pennsylvania Woman Convicted For Shoplifting Was Sentenced To Wear A Badge That Reads "convicted Shoplifter." However, Her Lawyers Hope To Plea Bargain Down To A Bumper Sticker Reading "i'd Rather Be Stealing!.

The Department Of Agriculture Announced That It Will Ban Six New Strains Of E. Coli. Which Explains Why The Hot Dog Vendor Outside My Building Is Now Just Selling Napkins.

Whenever I'm Stuck In Traffic, I Can't Help But Wonder, 'where Did The Creator Of The Jetsons Go, And Why Hasn't He Done Something About This?'

I Read That Yesterday, The Mexican Peso Hit Its Lowest Point Since March Of 2009. In Fact, Things Got So Bad, It Was Seen Leaving A Bar With The American Dollar.

Donald Trump's Campaign Has Raised About $100,000 In Donations During The Second Quarter. Which Raises An Important Question: Who Is Giving Donald Trump Money? That's Like Giving Your Money To A Pile Of Money.

Big News From Last Night's Republican Debate, You Guys. It Turns Out George Bush Was Actually The Smart Texas Governor.

Live Your Life By Doing Activities That Are Beneficial

President Obama Recently Said That His Day Is All About Politics, So In The Mornings He Likes To Watch Espn. So If You Get The Feeling He's Repeating Himself Every Half Hour, That's Where He Learned It From.

A Major Iowa Newspaper Published An Op-ed Against Trump Calling Him A 'self-absorbed, Wholly Unqualified Feckless Blowhard.' Or As Trump Put It, 'you Forgot Very Rich ... I'm A Very Rich, Self-absorbed, Wholly Unqualified Feckless Blowhard. Very, Very Rich.'

I Can Watch An Episode Of Jerry Seinfeld, And By The End, I'm Just Walking Around My House, You Know, Talking Like Jerry Seinfeld. 'what Is That? What Are You Doing? Who Is It? What's Going' - You Know, I Just Had That Thing, When I Grew Up, I'd Just Start Talking Like People. You Know, I Always Had That.

Thank You, People Who Say 'wow, You're Really Photogenic,' For Not Saying What You Really Mean: 'wow, You're Really Ugly In Person.'

Disney World Is Celebrating Its 40th Birthday! You Can Tell The Characters Are Getting Old. In Addition To Snow White's Seven Dwarfs, She Now Has 25 Cats.

I Saw That Donald Trump Is Selling His Penthouse Suite At The Trump Park Avenue Building Here In New York City For $21 Million. When Asked Why He's Selling It Now, Trump Said 'hey, Americans Seem To Be Buying Everything Else I'm Selling, So Why Not Strike While The Iron's Hot.'

Thank You, Yard Sales, For Being The Perfect Way To Say To Your Neighbors: We Think We're Important Enough To Charge Money For Our Garbage.

During A Charity Boxing Match On Friday, Mitt Romney Lasted Two Rounds Against Evander Holyfield And Raised A Million Dollars. It Was Just Like Holyfield's Fight With Mike Tyson, Except Romney Chewed Off His Other Ear Talking About His 18 Grandchildren.

Steven Spielberg Is Going To Release A Biopic About Abraham Lincoln Next Year. Right, That's A Good Way To Honor Lincoln By Sending People To The Theater.

It's All About The Script. Reality Is Key To Me And Less Cutesy.

New Scientist Magazine Reported That In The Future, Cars Could Be Powered By Hazelnuts. That's Encouraging, Considering An Eight-ounce Jar Of Hazelnuts Costs About Nine Dollars. Yeah, I've Got An Idea For A Car That Runs On Bald Eagle Heads And Faberge Eggs.

This Is Interesting. Researchers Have Found That People Who Drive Drunk Are More Dangerous On The Road Than Drivers Who Are High On Marijuana. Don't Get Too Excited. It's Mostly Because The Drivers Using Marijuana Are Just Sitting In The Taco Bell Drive-through.

It Was Just Revealed That Donald Trump Hasn't Voted In Primary Elections In Over 20 Years. Or In Simpler Terms, Trump Hasn't Voted In Primary Elections In Over Three Wives.

Hillary Clinton Said That Libyan Leader Moammar Gadhafi Is Engaged In 'theater.' Which Explains The New Strategy To Defeat Him: Casting Him As The Lead In 'spider-man: The Musical.'

You Gotta Risk It To Get The Biscuit.

Mike Huckabee Said He's The Only Person Who Has Fought The Clinton Political Machine And Won. As Opposed To Democratic Candidate Bernie Sanders, Who's The Only Person Who Fought A Fax Machine And Lost.

In A New Interview, The President Discussed The Upcoming Election. He Said That Hillary Clinton Is Going To Do Great As A Presidential Candidate. When Asked How Biden Would Do, Obama Said, 'hillary's Going To Do Great.'

According To A New Survey, Almost Half Of The Voters In Ohio, Florida, And Pennsylvania Say That They Do Not Trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans Immediately Got Together And Said, 'ok, This Is A Huge Opportunity For Us. How Are We Going To Screw It Up?'

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