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You Live With Life's Disappointments And Learn From Them. At Seventy-eight, I Know It All.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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You Live With Life's

Rodney Dangerfield

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You Live With Life's Disappointments And Learn From Them. At Seventy-eight, I Know It All.

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I Was So Ugly My Mother Used To Feed Me With A Sling Shot.

I Have Nothing But Troubles With My Car. Every Sunday I Take My Family Out For A Push.

It's Lonely On The Top When There's No One On The Bottom.

Lonely At The Top

With My Dog I Don't Get No Respect. He Keeps Barking At The Front Door. He Don't Want To Go Out. He Wants Me To Leave.

I Don't Care How Rich And Successful A Man Is. He's Nothing Without An Education.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. The Time I Was Kidnapped, And The Kidnappers Sent My Parents A Note They Said, "we Want Five Thousand Dollars Or You'll See Your Kid Again."

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. My Mother Breast Fed Me Through A Straw.

I Am The World's Oldest Teenager. I've Never Lost My Youthful Attitude.

My Uncle's Dying Wish - He Wanted Me On His Lap. He Was In The Electric Chair.

When I Was A Kid We Were So Poor, If I Hadn't Been A Boy I Wouldn't Have Had Anything To Play With.

All My Wife And I Do Is Fight About Sex. The Other Night, We Really Had It Out. Well, I'll Put It This Way - I Had It Out.

On Halloween, The Parents Sent Their Kids Out Looking Like Me.

When I Was A Kid My Parents Moved A Lot, But I Always Found Them.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. I Asked Him, "how Can I Get My Kite In The Air?" He Told Me To Run Off A Cliff.

When My Parents Got Divorced, There Was A Custody Fight Over Me. ... And No One Showed Up.

I Asked My Wife If She Would Put Out The Garbage. She Said Why Should I You Never Put Out For Me.

With Girls, I Don't Think Right. I Had A Date With One Girl, She Had Mirrors All Over Her Bedroom. She Told Me To Come Over And Bring A Bottle. I Got Windex.

If It Wasn't For Pick-pockets I'd Have No Sex Life At All.

Life Is Just A Bowl Of Pits.

You Can Name Your Own Salary In This Business. I Call Mine Fred.

One Night She Told Me To Put Out The Garbage. I Told Her "you Cooked It, You Take It Out".

Once I Pulled A Job, I Was So Stupid. I Picked A Guy's Pocket On An Airplane And Made A Run For It.

I Told My Dentist I Want A Tooth To Match The Others. He Gave My One With Four Cavities.

Time And Tide And Hookers Wait For No Man.

She Was So Ugly That Her Face Could Stop A Sundial.

If Every Man Was As True To His Country As He Was To His Wife, We'd Be In A Lot Of Trouble.

I Come From A Stupid Family. During The Civil War My Great Uncle Fought For The West.

I Don't Get No Respect. I Called Suicide Prevention. They Tried To Talk Me Into It.

Dad Told Me To Stop Running In Circles, I Couldn't, So He Nailed Down My Other Foot!

I Come Home From Work Early One Day, And I See A Guy Jogging Down The Street In His Underwear. I Ask Him, "why Are You Jogging In Your Underwear?" He Says, "you Came Home From Work Early".

I Have Tried A Little Kinky Stuff. A Woman Called Me And Said, 'i Have Mirrors All Over My Bedroom. Bring A Bottle.' I Brought Windex.

Better To Keep Quiet And Let People Think You're An Idiot Than Speak Up And Confirm It.

I Went To See My Doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...i Told Him Once, "doctor, Every Morning When I Get Up And Look In The Mirror I Feel Like Throwing Up. What's Wrong With Me?" He Said, "i Don't Know, But Your Eyesight Is Perfect."

At Twenty A Man Is Full Of Fight And Hope. He Wants To Reform The World. When He Is Seventy He Still Wants To Reform The World, But He Know He Can't.

My Kids Scotch Tape Worms To The Sidewalk And Watch The Birds Get Hernias.

When I Was A Kid, I Never Went To Disneyland. My Ol' Man Told Me Mickey Mouse Died In A Cancer Experiment.

What A Childhood I Had. My Parents Sent Me To A Child Psychiatrist. The Kid Didn't Help Me At All.

My Wife Says 90% Of Sex Occurs Between The Ears. But I Need A Girl Who Can Blow More Just My Mind.

Group Sex, Are You Kidding, I Had Group Sex - My Wife Screwed In Front Of The Jury.

My Wife Isn't Very Bright. The Other Day She Was At The Store, And Just As She Was Heading For Our Car, Someone Stole It! I Said, "did You See The Guy That Did It?" She Said, "no, But I Got The License Plate."

I Don't Know Kid, There Are So Many Places They Could Hide.

My Problem Is That I Appeal To Everyone That Can Do Me Absolutely No Good.

My Childhood Was Bad. No Father. Mother Was Greedy And Brought Me Up Awful - Never Made Me Breakfast Once. I Don't Want To Get Started. One Story Is Worse Than Another.

In High School, When I Played Football I Got No Respect. I Shared A Locker With A Mop.

I'm At An Age Where I Think More About Food Than I Do About Sex. Last Week I Put A Mirror Over My Dining Room Table.

I Tell Ya, My Wife's A Lousy Cook. After Dinner, I Don't Brush My Teeth. I Count Them.

I Went To A Massage Parlor, It Was Self Service.

I Said To A Girl I'd Been Seeing, Come Home With Me, Honey, And I'll Show You Where It's At. She Said, You'd Better, Because The Last Time I Could'nt Find It.

My Wife A Great Driver, She Once Hit A Deer. It Was In A Zoo. There Is A Pair Of Shoes On The Dashboard. They Belong To The Last Guy She Hit

My Cousin Is Gay, I Always Tell Him That In Our Family Tree, He's In The Fruit Section.

...went To A Bar For A Few Drinks. The Bartender Asked What I Wanted. "surprise Me", I Said. So He Showed Me A Naked Picture Of My Wife.

My Golf Game Is Getting Real Good. Last Week, I Got Through The Windmill.

When I Was Born I Brought No Joy, My Father Said He Wanted A Boy!

I Saved A Girl From Being Attacked Last Night. I Controlled Myself.

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Says No Because She's Tired Then Stays Up And Reads Her Book.

You Know You're Ugly When You Go To The Proctologist And He Sticks His Finger In Your Mouth.

During Sex, My Girlfriend Always Wants To Talk To Me… Just The Other Night She Called Me From A Hotel.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. On My Street, The Kids Take Hubcaps - From Moving Cars.

A Man In The Crowd Asks: Hey Rodney, How'd You Get Started? Rodney: I Was 12 Years Old, Alone In My Room, And I Got Started!

I Tell Ya, It's Tough To Save A Buck. Right Now I'm Supporting Two Fighters. My Wife And Her Mother.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Played Hide-and-seek. They Wouldn't Even Look For Me.

My Mother Had Morning Sickness After I Was Born.

I'm Getting So Old My Insurance Company Sends Me 1/2 A Calendar!

My Wife Has Teeth Like The Stars... They Come Out At Night.

I Asked My Wife, 'on A Scale Of 1 To 10, How Do You Rate Me As A Lover?' She Said, 'you Know I'm No Good At Fractions.'

I'm Not A Hypochondriac, But My Gynaecologist Firmly Believes I Am.

Last Week I Told My Wife, If You Would Learn To Cook, I Could Fire The Chef. She Said, If You Could Learn To Make Love, I Could Fire The Chauffer.

My Wife Gives Good Headache.

I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

Life's A Short Trip. You'll Find Out.

One Day As I Came Home Early, I Saw A Man Jogging Naked. I Said To The Guy, 'hey, Buddy, Why Are You Doing That?' He Said, 'because You Came Home Early.'

My Wife Has Cut Our Lovemaking Down To Once A Month, But I Know Two Guys She's Cut Out Entirely.

What A Childhood I Had - I Was Ten Years Old When I Found Out Alpo Was Dog Food.

I Tell Ya, Gambling Never Agreed With Me. Last Week I Went To The Track And They Shot My Horse With The Opening Gun.

I Can't Get No Respect.

I Tell Ya When I Was A Kid, All I Knew Was Rejection. My Yo-yo, It Never Came Back.

My Wife Only Has Sex With Me For A Purpose. Last Night It Was To Time An Egg.

Once When I Was Lost I Asked A Policeman To Help Me Find My Parents. I Said To Him, 'do You Think We'll Ever Find Them?' He Answered, 'i Don't Know, Kid. There Are So Many Places They Can Hide.

My Wife Is So Fat That The Last Time I Saw Something That Big It Was Grazing.

The Sign On The Bar Said: 'girls- Topless, Bottomless', I Went Inside And There Was Nobody There!

Hey, Did Somebody Step On A Duck?

She Was So Fat That Her Bathtub Has Stretch Marks.

I Went To A Freak Show And They Let Me In For Nothing.

My Son's An Idiot. His Teacher Asked Him To Spell Mississippi. He Asked Which One? The River Or The State?

Steak And Sex, My Favorite Pair. I Get Them Both Very Rare.

I Could Tell My Parents Hated Me. My Bath Toys Were A Toaster And A Radio.

What A Dog I Got. Last Night He Went On The Paper Four Times - Three While I Was Reading It.

I Can't Figure Women Out. They Put On Makeup For Three Hours. They Wear Things That Make Them Smaller. Things That Make Them Bigger. Then They Meet A Man And They Want Truth.

I'm A Bisexual; I Get It Maybe Twice A Year.

My Wife Is Such A Bad Cook, If We Leave Dental Floss In The Kitchen The Roaches Hang Themselves.

My Only Thrill Is Self Inflicted Hickies.

When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.

My Family Was A Bunch Of Drunks. When I Was Six I Came Up Missing, They Put My Picture On A Bottle Of Scotch.

The Shape I'm In, I Could Donate My Body To Science Fiction.

I've Never Been Lucky. The Day My Ship Came In, I Was At The Airport.

My Wife Is Always Trying To Get Rid Of Me. The Other Day She Told Me To Put The Garbage Out. I Said To Her I Already Did. She Told Me To Go And Keep An Eye On It.

She Was So Fat That Her Bikini Is Made Out Of Two Bed Sheets (king-size).

I Remember The Time I Was Kidnapped And They Sent A Piece Of My Finger To My Father. He Said He Wanted More Proof.

A Hooker Once Told Me She Had A Headache.

I Tell Ya, My Wife Was Never Nice. On Our First Date, I Asked Her If I Could Give Her A Goodnight Kiss On The Cheek - She Bent Over!

This Morning When I Put On My Underwear I Could Hear The Fruit-of-the-loom Guys Laughing At Me.

A Sense Of Humor Is Rare. It Isn't Telling A Joke About How There Are Three Ways To Get To Heaven. It's Being In A Restaurant And Hearing Someone Say, Everyone's Got Their Tale Of Woe, And Then Turning Around And Saying, Unfortunately, In Life, There's More Woe Than Tail.

When I Was Born The Doctor Took One Look At My Face, Turned Me Over And Said, "look, Twins!"

I Met The Surgeon General - He Offered Me A Cigarette.

We Learned Sexual Technique From Our Dog. He Taught How To Beg, And He Taught My Wife How To Roll Over And Play Dead.

Last Time I Tried To Make Love To My Wife Nothing Happened, So I Said To Her, 'what's The Matter, You Can't Think Of Anybody Either?'

I Haven't Spoken To My Wife In Years. I Didn't Want To Interrupt Her.

Never Guess Your Wife's Size. Just Buy Anything Marked Petite And Hold On To The Receipt.

If I Could Have Dinner With Anyone Who Lived In History, It Would Depend On The Restaurant.

I've Been Writing Jokes Since I'm Fifteen. Not Out Of Happiness, But To Go To A Different Place, Because Reality Wasn't Good To Me.

We Want Five Thousand Dollars Or You'll See Your Kid Again.

I'm Tellin' Ya I Get No Respect. When I Was In Switzerland, I Got An Obscene Yodel.

I Worked In A Pet Store And People Would Ask How Big I Would Get.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Once A Guy Pulled A Knife On Me. I Knew He Wasn't A Professional, The Knife Had Butter On It.

You Wanna Have Laughs? Do What I Do. When I Go Through A Tollbooth, I Keep Going. I Tell The Guy, The Car Behind Me Is Paying For Two.

They Say Love Thy Neighbor As Thy Self , What Am I Supposed To Do Jerk Him Off Too?

His Breath Is So Bad Why Every Time He Smokes He Blows Onion Rings.

I'll Tell You One Thing, I Know How To Satisfy My Wife In Bed, Yeah, I Leave.

Look Out For Number One And Try Not To Step In Number Two.

I Told My Wife The Truth. I Told Her I Was Seeing A Psychiatrist. Then She Told Me The Truth: That She Was Seeing A Psychiatrist, Two Plumbers, And A Bartender.

My Wife's Jealousy Is Getting Ridiculous. The Other Day She Looked At My Calendar And Wanted To Know Who May Was.

Boy What A Hotel That Was, Why They Stole My Towel.

When I Was 3 Years Old, My Parents Got A Dog. I Was Jealous Of The Dog, So They Got Rid Of Me.

Last Halloween A Kid Tried To Rip My Face Off. He Thought It Was A Mask. Now It's Different When I Open The Door The Kids Hand Me Candy.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. He Told Me Never Take Candy From A Stranger Unless He Offered Me A Ride.

When I Was Born ... The Doctor Came Out To The Waiting Room And Said To My Father ... I'm Very Sorry. We Did Everything We Could ... But He Pulled Through.

People Seldom Live Up To Their Baby Pictures.

Guy Goes Into A Bar With A Duck Under His Arm. Bartender Says, "where'd You Get The Pig?" Guy Says, "this Is A Duck." Bartender Says, "i Was Talking To The Duck."

When My Wife Drives, There's Always Trouble. The Other Day She Took The Car. She Came Home. She Told Me, There's Water In The Carburetor. I Asked Her, Where's The Car? She Said, In A Lake.

My Dog Learned How To Beg By Watching Me Through The Bedroom Door.

I Like Southern Girls. They Talk So Slow That By The Time They Say No, I Made It Already.

When You Walk Up Five Flights Of Stairs At Four In The Morning, There's Definitely A Hooker Involved.

My Wife Had Her Drivers’ Test The Other Day. She Got 8 Out Of 10. The Other 2 Guys Jumped Clear.

Every Time I Get In An Elevator, The Operator Says The Same Thing To Me: 'basement?'

I Was An Ugly Child. I Got Lost On The Beach. I Asked A Cop If He Could Find My Parents. He Said, 'i Don't Know. There's Lots Of Places For Them To Hide'.

They Change The Sheets Every Day... From One Bed To Another.

At My Age I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

If Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder, So Is Ugliness.

My Father Carries Around The Picture Of The Kid Who Came With His Wallet.

People Say Fish Is Good For A Diet. But Fish Should Never Be Cooked In Butter. Fish Should Be Cooked In Its Natural Oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

It Was The Same Thing In The Army, No Respect. They Gave Me A Uniform That Glowed In The Dark.

I Have Three Kids, One Of Each.

I Know I'm Not Sexy. In High School I Was Voted Most Likely To Masturbate.

I Got Myself Good This Morning Too. I Did My Pushups In The Nude, I Didn't See The Mouse Trap.

I Bought A New Japanese Car, I Turned On The Radio ... I Don't Understand A Word They're Saying.

I Once Went Out With This Girl, She Was No Bargain Either, She Showed Up With Pigtails Under Her Arms.

My Mother Used To Rock Me - And She Used Big Rocks.

I Bought A Perfect Second Car... A Tow Truck.

What A Childhood I Had. Once On My Birthday My Ol' Man Gave Me A Bat. The First Day I Played With It, It Flew Away.

I Went To A Fight The Other Night, And A Hockey Game Broke Out.

I Remember I Was So Depressed I Was Going To Jump Out A Window On The Tenth Floor; They Sent A Priest Up To Talk To Me And He Said, ' On Your Mark...'

It Would Be Great If People Never Got Angry At Someone For Doing Something They've Done Themselves.

I Walked In On My Wife And The Milkman, The First Thing She Says Is "don't Tell The Butcher"!

I Bought A New Book, '100 New Ways To Make Love'. I Ended Up In Traction - It Was A Misprint.

I Once Asked A Policeman How Far It Was To The Subway. He Said, "i Don't Know, No One Has Ever Made It".

My Wife Wants Sex In The Back Of The Car And She Wants Me To Drive.

I Drink Too Much. The Last Time I Gave A Urine Sample It Had An Olive In It.

I Asked My Wife, 'is There Somebody Else?' She Said, 'there Must Be.'

My Psychiatrist Told Me I Was Crazy And I Said I Want A Second Opinion. He Said Okay, You're Ugly Too.

She Failed Her Drivers Test. She Couldn't Get Used To The Front Seat. It Took Her Four Lessons To Learn To Sit Up.

I Get No Respect... I Tell You, When I Was Born, The Doctor Smacked My Mother

With Girls I Get No Respect. A Belly Dancer Told Me I Turned Her Stomach.

With My Wife I Get No Respect. I Fell Asleep With A Cigarette In My Hand. She Lit It.

Getting Older Is Tough. I Remember The Last Time I Felt An Erection. It Was At The Movies. The Only Trouble Is, It Belonged To The Guy Sitting Next To Me.

My Life Is Nothing But Pressure. All Pressure. This Pressure Is Like A Heaviness. It's Always On Top Of Me, This Heaviness. It's Always There Since I'm A Kid. Other People Wake Up In The Morning, 'a New Day! Ah, Up And At 'em!' I Wake Up, The Heaviness Is Waiting For Me Nice. Sometimes I Even Talk To It. I Say [adopts Cheerful Voice] 'hi, Heaviness!' And The Heaviness Looks Back At Me, [in An Ominous Growl] 'today You're Gonna Get It Good. You'll Be Drinking Early Today.'

I Told My Doctor I Think My Wife Has Vd. He Gave Himself A Shot Of Penicillin.

When I Was Kidnapped As A Child My Parents Sent A Letter To The Hijackers Me Pay 5,000 Dollars Or Your Back

I'll Tell Ya, My Wife And I, We Don't Think Alike. She Donates Money To The Homeless, And I Donate Money To The Topless!

I Say 'no' To Drugs. Whenever Someone Asks Me For Some Of My Drugs I Say, 'no.

Say No To Drugs

I Asked My Old Man If I Could Go Ice-skating On The Lake. He Told Me, "wait Til It Gets Warmer."

I Tell Ya When I Fly, I Don't Get No Respect. I Took One Of Those Cheap Flights, No Frills. I Finished Eatin' And Had To Do The Dishes.

I'd Like To Get Some New Clothes, But I Can't Find A Big And Short Store.

My Car Broke Down Just The Other Day, I Called Triple A, They Came And Towed Me Away!

Comedy Is In My Blood. Too Bad It's Not In My Act.

I Went To Look For A Used Car And Found My Wife's Dress In The Back Seat.

And My Girlfriend, She's Fat! How Fat? She's So Fat She Wears Two Watches-one For Each Time Zone!

I Feel Sorry For Short People, You Know. When It Rains, They're The Last To Know.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, She Had A Face Like A Saint-a Saint Bernard!

Me And My Dad Used To Play Tag, He'd Drive!

If You Could Learn To Make Love, I Could Fire The Chauffer.

If You Can't Write Your Own Material, You Have Very Little Chance Of Making It As A Comedian.

I Went To A Gay Bar, They Wanted Proof Of Sex So I Showed Them, They Said It Wasn't Enough.

My Wife And I Were Happy For 20 Years. Then We Met.

Comedy Is A Camouflage For Depression.

I Tell Ya, I Knew My Morning Wasn't Going Right. When I Put On My Shirt The Button Fell Off, When I Picked Up My Briefcase, The Handle Fell Off, I Tell Ya, I Was Afraid To Go To The Bathroom.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Told My Mother, I'm Gonna Run Away From Home. She Said, On Your Mark.

Last Week I Told My Psychiatrist, 'i Keep Thinking About Suicide', And He Told Me From Now I Have To Pay In Advance.

Some Dog I Got Too. We Call Him Egypt. Because In Every Room He Leaves A Pyramid.

Don't Talk About Yourself So Much...we'll Do That When You Leave.

Women My Age Just Don't Turn Me On. That's Another Problem With Getting Older. I Took Out An Older Woman The Other Night, And I Mean Old. I Told Her, Act Your Age. She Died.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, I Took Her To The Top Of The Empire State Building And Planes Started To Attack Her.

My Boy Is A Mean Kid. I Came Home The Other Day And Saw Him Taping Worms To The Sidewalk, He Sits There And Watches The Birds Get Hernias. Well, Only Last Christmas I Gave Him A B-b Gun And He Gave Me A Sweatshirt With A Bulls-eye On The Back. I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

I'm Not A Sexy Guy. I Went To A Hooker. I Dropped My Pants. She Dropped Her Price.

When We Got Married My Wife Told Me I Was One In A Million. I Found Out She Was Right.

My Sex Life Is Terrible; My Wife Put A Mirror Over The Dog's Bed. Actually She Did Put A Mirror Over Our Bed. She Says She Likes To Watch Herself Laugh.

One Night I Came Home. I Figured, Let My Wife Come On. I'll Play It Cool. Let Her Make The First Move. She Went To Florida.

I Tell Ya, Sex Is Getting Harder All The Time. Me And My Wife Were Trying To Have Sex For Hours Last Night And I Finally Gave Up. I Asked Her, "what, You Can't Think Of Anybody Either?"

Hey Everybody, We're All Gonna Get Laid!

He Found A New Way To Cover Up His Bad Breath. He Holds Up His Arms.

Man, Who Don't Like Spaghetti?

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