Background Image

...

My Life Is Nothing But Pressure. All Pressure. This Pressure Is Like A Heaviness. It's Always On Top Of Me, This Heaviness. It's Always There Since I'm A Kid. Other People Wake Up In The Morning, 'a New Day! Ah, Up And At 'em!' I Wake Up, The Heaviness Is Waiting For Me Nice. Sometimes I Even Talk To It. I Say [adopts Cheerful Voice] 'hi, Heaviness!' And The Heaviness Looks Back At Me, [in An Ominous Growl] 'today You're Gonna Get It Good. You'll Be Drinking Early Today.'

-Rodney Dangerfield

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

My Life Is Nothing

Rodney Dangerfield

...

My Life Is Nothing But Pressure. All Pressure. This Pressure Is Like A Heaviness. It's Always On Top Of Me, This Heaviness. It's Always There Since I'm A Kid. Other People Wake Up In The Morning, 'a New Day! Ah, Up And At 'em!' I Wake Up, The Heaviness Is Waiting For Me Nice. Sometimes I Even Talk To It. I Say [adopts Cheerful Voice] 'hi, Heaviness!' And The Heaviness Looks Back At Me, [in An Ominous Growl] 'today You're Gonna Get It Good. You'll Be Drinking Early Today.'

Views: 5

Topic

More From Rodney Dangerfield

I Told My Psychiatrist That Everyone Hates Me. He Said I Was Being Ridiculous - Everyone Hasn't Met Me Yet.

I'm At An Age Where I Think More About Food Than I Do About Sex. Last Week I Put A Mirror Over My Dining Room Table.

Last Week I Was Walking By A Cemetery, Two Guys Came After Me With Shovels. It Was All About Money.

I Got My First Break And Became A Singing Waiter At Eighteen Or Nineteen. I Couldn't Make A Living At It. I Quit. Then I Got Married And Sold Aluminum Siding. My Wife Had Problems Physically. It Was Not Good.

Don't Talk About Yourself So Much...we'll Do That When You Leave.

Last Year My Birthday Cake Looked Like A Prairie Fire.

Steak And Sex, My Favorite Pair. I Get Them Both Very Rare.

I Feel Sorry For Short People, You Know. When It Rains, They're The Last To Know.

I Went To A Freak Show And They Let Me In For Nothing.

Me And My Dad Used To Play Tag, He'd Drive!

My Wife Had Her Drivers’ Test The Other Day. She Got 8 Out Of 10. The Other 2 Guys Jumped Clear.

My Wife Met Me At The Door The Other Night In A Sexy Negligee. Unfortunately, She Was Just Coming Home.

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Kisses The Dog On The Lips, Yet She Won't Drink From My Glass.

When I Was A Kid We Were So Poor, If I Hadn't Been A Boy I Wouldn't Have Had Anything To Play With.

I Tell Ya, My Wife's A Lousy Cook. After Dinner, I Don't Brush My Teeth. I Count Them.

I Joined Gamblers Anon., They Gave Me 2 To 1 I Wouldn't Make It! I Joined Aa, There Was A Two Drink Minimum!

One Night I Came Home. I Figured, Let My Wife Come On. I'll Play It Cool. Let Her Make The First Move. She Went To Florida.

Every Time I Get In An Elevator, The Operator Says The Same Thing To Me: 'basement?'

What A Childhood I Had. My Parents Sent Me To A Child Psychiatrist. The Kid Didn't Help Me At All.

She Was So Fat That Her Clothes Are Made By Omar The Tent Maker.

I Used To Date A Girl From Buffalo. Why Can't I Meet A Girl With Normal Parents?

You Wanna Have Laughs? Do What I Do. When I Go Through A Tollbooth, I Keep Going. I Tell The Guy, The Car Behind Me Is Paying For Two.

Never Guess Your Wife's Size. Just Buy Anything Marked Petite And Hold On To The Receipt.

My Childhood Was Bad. No Father. Mother Was Greedy And Brought Me Up Awful - Never Made Me Breakfast Once. I Don't Want To Get Started. One Story Is Worse Than Another.

What A Kid I Got, I Told Him About The Birds And The Bee And He Told Me About The Butcher And My Wife.

I Get No Respect. The Way My Luck Is Running, If I Was A Politician I Would Be Honest.

Look Out For Number One And Try Not To Step In Number Two.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. When I Went On The Roller Coaster, My Old Man Told Me To Stand Up Straight.

Last Week My Tie Caught On Fire, Some Guy Tried To Put It Out With An Axe.

I Tell Ya, I Was An Ugly Kid. I Was So Ugly That My Dad Kept The Kid's Picture That Came With The Wallet He Bought.

It's Lonely On The Top When There's No One On The Bottom.

Lonely At The Top

If You Can't Write Your Own Material, You Have Very Little Chance Of Making It As A Comedian.

I Like To Date Schoolteachers. If You Do Something Wrong, They Make You Do It Over Again.

What A Childhood I Had, Why, When I Took My First Step, My Old Man Tripped Me!

I Told My Doctor I Got Water On My Knee, He Gave Me A Sponge And Raised His Fee!

My Wife And I Were Happy For 20 Years. Then We Met.

I Had Plenty Of Pimples As A Kid. One Day I Fell Asleep In The Library. When I Woke Up, A Blind Man Was Reading My Face.

With My Wife I Don't Get No Respect. I Made A Toast On Her Birthday To 'the Best Woman A Man Ever Had.' The Waiter Joined Me.

At Christmas Time We Couldn't Afford Tinsel, So We'd Wait Till Grandpa Sneezed.

For Christmas One Year I Bought My Son A Bb Gun. He Bought Me A T-shirt With A Bulls Eye On The Back.

All My Wife And I Do Is Fight About Sex. The Other Night, We Really Had It Out. Well, I'll Put It This Way - I Had It Out.

What A Childhood I Had. Once On My Birthday My Ol' Man Gave Me A Bat. The First Day I Played With It, It Flew Away.

Cars And Women Are A Lot Alike. They Lie About The Milage.

One Time My Whole Family Played Hide And Seek. They Found My Mother In Pittsburgh!

And My Girlfriend, She's Fat! How Fat? She's So Fat She Wears Two Watches-one For Each Time Zone!

People Say Fish Is Good For A Diet. But Fish Should Never Be Cooked In Butter. Fish Should Be Cooked In Its Natural Oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

I Figured Out I'm Bisexual. I Have Sex Twice A Year.

Comedy Is A Camouflage For Depression.

One Night She Told Me To Put Out The Garbage. I Told Her "you Cooked It, You Take It Out".

I Went To A Massage Parlor, It Was Self Service.

I'll Tell Ya, I Don't Get No Respect... The Other Day, I Got Back From A Business Trip. I Got In A Cab And Said To The Driver, "hey! Take Me To Where The Action Is!" So Ya Know Where He Took Me? He Took Me To My House!

I Was Making Love To This Girl And She Started Crying. I Said, "are You Going To Hate Yourself In The Morning?" She Said, "no, I Hate Myself Now."

For Two Hours, Some Guy Followed Me Around With A Pooper Scooper.

My Wife Can't Cook At All. She Made Chocolate Mousse. An Antler Got Stuck In My Throat.

I Went To A Fight The Other Night, And A Hockey Game Broke Out.

My Wife Is Such A Bad Cook, If We Leave Dental Floss In The Kitchen The Roaches Hang Themselves.

To Me, Viagra Is The Same As Disneyland. You Wait An Hour For A Two-minute Ride.

This Morning When I Put On My Underwear I Could Hear The Fruit-of-the-loom Guys Laughing At Me.

It's Nice To Be The Best, But Not When Being The Best Brings Out The Worst In You.

We Sleep In Separate Rooms, We Have Dinner Apart, We Take Separate Vacations - We're Doing Everything We Can To Keep Our Marriage Together.

I Have Tried A Little Kinky Stuff. A Woman Called Me And Said, 'i Have Mirrors All Over My Bedroom. Bring A Bottle.' I Brought Windex.

I Tell Ya, Sex Is Getting Harder All The Time. Me And My Wife Were Trying To Have Sex For Hours Last Night And I Finally Gave Up. I Asked Her, "what, You Can't Think Of Anybody Either?"

When You Walk Up Five Flights Of Stairs At Four In The Morning, There's Definitely A Hooker Involved.

My Psychiatrist Told Me I Was Crazy And I Said I Want A Second Opinion. He Said Okay, You're Ugly Too.

I Asked My Wife, 'on A Scale Of 1 To 10, How Do You Rate Me As A Lover?' She Said, 'you Know I'm No Good At Fractions.'

I'm Tellin' Ya I Get No Respect. When I Was In Switzerland, I Got An Obscene Yodel.

I Was So Ugly My Parents Had To Hang A Pork Chop Around My Neck To Get The Dog To Play With Me.

If It Wasn't For Pick-pockets I'd Have No Sex Life At All.

She Failed Her Drivers Test. She Couldn't Get Used To The Front Seat. It Took Her Four Lessons To Learn To Sit Up.

When We Got Married, The First Thing My Wife Did Was Put Everything Under Both Names - Hers And Her Mother's.

Hey Everybody, We're All Gonna Get Laid!

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.

My Problem Is That I Appeal To Everyone That Can Do Me Absolutely No Good.

When My Wife Drives, There's Always Trouble. The Other Day She Took The Car. She Came Home. She Told Me, There's Water In The Carburetor. I Asked Her, Where's The Car? She Said, In A Lake.

I'm At The Age Where Food Has Taken The Place Of Sex In My Life. In Fact, I've Just Had A Mirror Put Over My Kitchen Table.

My Car Broke Down Just The Other Day, I Called Triple A, They Came And Towed Me Away!

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. I Don't Believe Meatloaf Should Glow In The Dark

You Take Care And I Hope I'll Run Into You - When I'm Driving.

What A Dog I Got. Last Night He Went On The Paper Four Times - Three While I Was Reading It.

Everyone Says That Looks Don't Matter, Age Doesn't Matter, Money Doesn't Matter. But I Never Met A Girl Yet Who Has Fallen In Love With An Old Ugly Man Who's Broke.

I Am The World's Oldest Teenager. I've Never Lost My Youthful Attitude.

A Girl Phoned Me The Other Day And Said... 'come On Over, There's Nobody Home.' I Went Over. Nobody Was Home.

I Haven't Spoken To My Wife In Years. I Didn't Want To Interrupt Her.

One Day As I Came Home Early, I Saw A Man Jogging Naked. I Said To The Guy, 'hey, Buddy, Why Are You Doing That?' He Said, 'because You Came Home Early.'

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. I Put My Hand In Some Cement And Felt Another Hand.

I'm A Downer. I've Been Depressed My Whole Life. Figure It Out.

You Know You're Ugly When You Go To The Proctologist And He Sticks His Finger In Your Mouth.

I Tell Ya, It's Tough To Save A Buck. Right Now I'm Supporting Two Fighters. My Wife And Her Mother.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly That She Was Known As A Two-bagger. That's When You Put A Bag Over Your Head In Case The Bag Over Her Head Breaks.

I'm Getting So Old My Insurance Company Sends Me 1/2 A Calendar!

Boy Is My Wife Stupid. It Takes Her And Hour And A Half To Watch 60 Minutes. My Daughters No Bargain Either. In Public School She Was Voted Most Likely To Conceive.

With Girls I Get No Respect. A Belly Dancer Told Me I Turned Her Stomach.

Dad Told Me To Stop Running In Circles, I Couldn't, So He Nailed Down My Other Foot!

I Recently Had Double-bypass Surgery. As They Wheel You In, The Doctor Always Gives You A Last Look. You Know That Look. That Look Of Confidence To Make You Feel Good. I Always Say To Every Doctor, If I Don't Make It, I'll Never Know It.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Why, Every Time I Shut The Window I Hurt Somebody's Fingers.

Women My Age Just Don't Turn Me On. That's Another Problem With Getting Older. I Took Out An Older Woman The Other Night, And I Mean Old. I Told Her, Act Your Age. She Died.

My Mother Had Morning Sickness After I Was Born.

I Stuck My Head Out The Window And Got Arrested For Mooning.

When I Told My Wife She Was Lousy In Bed - She Went Out - She Got A Second Opinion.

Do Ya Remember The First Time You Had Sex? I Do, And Boy, Was I Scared! I Was Alone!

My Father Carries Around The Picture Of The Kid Who Came With His Wallet.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Had No Friends. I Remember The See-saw. I Had To Keep Runnin' From One End To The Other.

My Cousin Is Gay, In School While Other Kids Were Dissecting Frog, He Was Opening Flies.

My Wife And I Have Olympic Sex. Once Every Four Years.

When I Was Born I Was So Ugly The Doctor Slapped My Mother.

...went To A Bar For A Few Drinks. The Bartender Asked What I Wanted. "surprise Me", I Said. So He Showed Me A Naked Picture Of My Wife.

It Would Be Great If People Never Got Angry At Someone For Doing Something They've Done Themselves.

When My Parents Got Divorced, There Was A Custody Fight Over Me. ... And No One Showed Up.

My Sex Life Is Terrible; My Wife Put A Mirror Over The Dog's Bed. Actually She Did Put A Mirror Over Our Bed. She Says She Likes To Watch Herself Laugh.

They Took A Survey: Why Do Men Get Up In The Middle Of The Night? Ten Percent Get Up To Go To The Bathroom And 90 Percent Get Up To Go Home.

My Uncle's Dying Wish - He Wanted Me On His Lap. He Was In The Electric Chair.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. In My House, We Pray After We Eat.

I Tell Ya, With My Wife, I Got No Sex Life. Her Favorite Position Is Facing Bloomingdale's.

Last Week I Told My Psychiatrist, 'i Keep Thinking About Suicide', And He Told Me From Now I Have To Pay In Advance.

They Say Love Thy Neighbor As Thy Self , What Am I Supposed To Do Jerk Him Off Too?

I Worked In A Pet Store And People Would Ask How Big I Would Get.

You Live With Life's Disappointments And Learn From Them. At Seventy-eight, I Know It All.

I Bought A New Japanese Car, I Turned On The Radio ... I Don't Understand A Word They're Saying.

I Was An Ugly Kid; When I Was Born, After The Doctor Cut The Cord, He Hung Himself.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Once A Guy Pulled A Knife On Me. I Knew He Wasn't A Professional, The Knife Had Butter On It.

If Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder, So Is Ugliness.

I Went To A Gay Bar, They Wanted Proof Of Sex So I Showed Them, They Said It Wasn't Enough.

My Doctor Told Me To Watch My Drinking. Now I Drink In Front Of A Mirror.

I Tell Ya, I Knew My Morning Wasn't Going Right. When I Put On My Shirt The Button Fell Off, When I Picked Up My Briefcase, The Handle Fell Off, I Tell Ya, I Was Afraid To Go To The Bathroom.

I Tell Ya, My Wife, We Get Along Good Cause We Have Our Own Arrangement. I Mean, One Night A Week I Go Out With The Boys And One Night A Week, She Goes Out With The Boys.

I Told My Dentist My Teeth Are Going Yellow. He Told Me To Wear A Brown Tie.

My Old Man Never Liked Me. He Gave Me My Allowance In Traveler's Checks.

I Tell Ya When I Fly, I Don't Get No Respect. I Took One Of Those Cheap Flights, No Frills. I Finished Eatin' And Had To Do The Dishes.

My Wife Wants Sex In The Back Of The Car And She Wants Me To Drive.

When I Go To A Nude Beach, I Always Take A Ruler, Just In Case I Have To Prove Something.

We Want Five Thousand Dollars Or You'll See Your Kid Again.

My Wife Only Has Sex With Me For A Purpose. Last Night It Was To Time An Egg.

What A Childhood I Had - I Was Ten Years Old When I Found Out Alpo Was Dog Food.

During Sex, My Girlfriend Always Wants To Talk To Me… Just The Other Night She Called Me From A Hotel.

I Remember The Time I Was Kidnapped And They Sent A Piece Of My Finger To My Father. He Said He Wanted More Proof.

My Only Thrill Is Self Inflicted Hickies.

With My Dog I Don't Get No Respect. He Keeps Barking At The Front Door. He Don't Want To Go Out. He Wants Me To Leave.

Last Time I Saw A Mouth Like That, It Had A Hook In It.

I Told My Doctor I Wonna Stop Aging, He Gave Me A Gun!

If You Could Learn To Make Love, I Could Fire The Chauffer.

I Come Home From Work Early One Day, And I See A Guy Jogging Down The Street In His Underwear. I Ask Him, "why Are You Jogging In Your Underwear?" He Says, "you Came Home From Work Early".

My Wife Gives Good Headache.

I Live In A Tough Neighborhood. They Got A Children's Zoo. Last Week, Four Kids Escaped.

I Say 'no' To Drugs. Whenever Someone Asks Me For Some Of My Drugs I Say, 'no.

Say No To Drugs

Man, Who Don't Like Spaghetti?

You Don't Know Who To Believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He Said All Men Were Created Equal. He Never Went To A Nude Beach.

My Cousin Is Gay, I Always Tell Him That In Our Family Tree, He's In The Fruit Section.

Some Dog I Got Too. We Call Him Egypt. Because In Every Room He Leaves A Pyramid.

My Cousins Gay, He Went To London Only To Find Out That Big Ben Was A Clock.

A Travel Agent Told I Could Spend 7 Nights In Hawaii No Days Just Nights.

What A Dog I Got, His Favorite Bone Is In My Arm.

His Breath Is So Bad Why Every Time He Smokes He Blows Onion Rings.

My Wife Isn't Very Bright. The Other Day She Was At The Store, And Just As She Was Heading For Our Car, Someone Stole It! I Said, "did You See The Guy That Did It?" She Said, "no, But I Got The License Plate."

People Seldom Live Up To Their Baby Pictures.

When I Was Born The Doctor Took One Look At My Face, Turned Me Over And Said, "look, Twins!"

It Was The Same Thing In The Army, No Respect. They Gave Me A Uniform That Glowed In The Dark.

I Come From A Stupid Family. During The Civil War My Great Uncle Fought For The West.

I Tell Ya, I Know The Best Way To Get Girls. I Hang Out At Women's Prisons, And Wait For Parolees.

My Family Was A Bunch Of Drunks. When I Was Six I Came Up Missing, They Put My Picture On A Bottle Of Scotch.

I Live In A Bad Neighborhood. Why, I Saw Two Complete Strangers Share A Taxi - Yeah, One Guy Took The Radio And The Other Guy Took The Tires.

Life's A Short Trip. You'll Find Out.

With Girls, I Don't Think Right. I Had A Date With One Girl, She Had Mirrors All Over Her Bedroom. She Told Me To Come Over And Bring A Bottle. I Got Windex.

A Homeless Guy Came Up To Me On The Street, Said He Hadn't Eaten In Four Days. I Told Him, "man, I Wish I Had Your Willpower.

My Wife She's Fat. Why, If She Lost A Few Pounds, She'd Be Perfectly Round.

A Sense Of Humor Is Rare. It Isn't Telling A Joke About How There Are Three Ways To Get To Heaven. It's Being In A Restaurant And Hearing Someone Say, Everyone's Got Their Tale Of Woe, And Then Turning Around And Saying, Unfortunately, In Life, There's More Woe Than Tail.

I Got Myself Good This Morning Too. I Did My Pushups In The Nude, I Didn't See The Mouse Trap.

I Drink Too Much. The Last Time I Gave A Urine Sample It Had An Olive In It.

I Get No Respect... I Tell You, When I Was Born, The Doctor Smacked My Mother

My Wife Was Afraid Of The Dark. Then She Saw Me Naked, And Now She's Afraid Of The Light.

I Shouldn't Tell Jokes About My Wife. She's Attached To A Machine That Keeps Her Alive... The Refrigerator.

People Ask If I Can Get It Up In The Morning. I Tell Them Are You Kidding I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

I Met The Surgeon General - He Offered Me A Cigarette.

I Think My Wife Is Cheating On Me, The Only Thing The Parrot Knows How To Say Is, Quick Out The Window.

My Wife Says 90% Of Sex Occurs Between The Ears. But I Need A Girl Who Can Blow More Just My Mind.

They Change The Sheets Every Day... From One Bed To Another.

At My Age I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

I Took My Son To Coney Island, I Said "wanna Go In The Crazy House?", He Said "save Your Money We'll Be Home Soon"!

We Lived In A Neighborhood That Was Too Rich For Us. When I Was Young, I Had To Deliver Groceries To The Homes Of The Kids I Went To School With. I Had To Go To The Back Doors To Make The Deliveries. It Was Embarrassing. That Was One Thing Out Of A Hundred.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, I Took Her To The Top Of The Empire State Building And Planes Started To Attack Her.

I Walked In On My Wife And The Milkman, The First Thing She Says Is "don't Tell The Butcher"!

I Asked My Old Man If I Could Go Ice-skating On The Lake. He Told Me, "wait Til It Gets Warmer."

I Was So Poor Growing Up...if I Wasn't A Boy...i'd Have Nothing To Play With.

I Said To A Girl I'd Been Seeing, Come Home With Me, Honey, And I'll Show You Where It's At. She Said, You'd Better, Because The Last Time I Could'nt Find It.

Well With Girls I Don't Get No Respect. I Had A Blind Date. I Waited Two Hours On The Corner. A Girl Walked By. I Said Are You Louise? She Said, Are You Rodney? I Said, Yeah. She Said, I'm Not Louise.

When I Played In The Sandbox, The Cat Kept Covering Me Up.

I Don't Know Kid, There Are So Many Places They Could Hide.

In The School I Went To, They Asked A Kid To Prove The Law Of Gravity And He Threw The Teacher Out Of The Window.

Sure I Smoked Pot In Hospital. My Wife Won't Let Me Toke At Home.

I Could Tell My Parents Hated Me. My Bath Toys Were A Toaster And A Radio.

My Kid Wants To Be A Prison Warden When He Grows Up So He Can Put Thumb Tacks On The Electric Chairs.

Better To Keep Quiet And Let People Think You're An Idiot Than Speak Up And Confirm It.

When I Was A Kid, I Never Went To Disneyland. My Ol' Man Told Me Mickey Mouse Died In A Cancer Experiment.

I Once Met A Beautiful, Proper English Girl. I Bid Her Adieu.... She Bid Me A Don't.

I Found There Was Only One Way To Look Thin: Hang Out With Fat People.

I Have Nothing But Troubles With My Car. Every Sunday I Take My Family Out For A Push.

I Tell Ya When I Was A Kid, All I Knew Was Rejection. My Yo-yo, It Never Came Back.

Oh, When I Was A Kid In Show Business I Was Poor. I Used To Go To Orgies To Eat The Grapes.

I Tell Ya I Got A Stupid Son. That's One Load That Shoulda Been Shot On The Wall.

She Was Old Too, When She Went To School They Didn't Have History.

I'd Like To Get Some New Clothes, But I Can't Find A Big And Short Store.

Trending Author

Oliver Goldsmith

Vittorio Alfieri

Anthony Hopkins

Category