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I Say 'no' To Drugs. Whenever Someone Asks Me For Some Of My Drugs I Say, 'no.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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I Say 'no' To

Rodney Dangerfield

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I Say 'no' To Drugs. Whenever Someone Asks Me For Some Of My Drugs I Say, 'no.

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Say No To Drugs

More From Rodney Dangerfield

When I Was A Kid, I Never Went To Disneyland. My Ol' Man Told Me Mickey Mouse Died In A Cancer Experiment.

Some Dog I Got Too. We Call Him Egypt. Because In Every Room He Leaves A Pyramid.

When We Got Married, The First Thing My Wife Did Was Put Everything Under Both Names - Hers And Her Mother's.

I Tell Ya When I Was A Kid, All I Knew Was Rejection. My Yo-yo, It Never Came Back.

I Went To A Fight The Other Night, And A Hockey Game Broke Out.

I Got Myself Good This Morning Too. I Did My Pushups In The Nude, I Didn't See The Mouse Trap.

Every Time I Get In An Elevator, The Operator Says The Same Thing To Me: 'basement?'

I'm Taking Viagra And Drinking Prune Juice. I Don't Know If I'm Coming Or Going.

Guy Goes Into A Bar With A Duck Under His Arm. Bartender Says, "where'd You Get The Pig?" Guy Says, "this Is A Duck." Bartender Says, "i Was Talking To The Duck."

I Once Went Out With This Wild Girl. She Made French Toast And Got Her Tongue Caught In The Toaster.

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.

To Me, Viagra Is The Same As Disneyland. You Wait An Hour For A Two-minute Ride.

I Tell Ya, Sex Is Getting Harder All The Time. Me And My Wife Were Trying To Have Sex For Hours Last Night And I Finally Gave Up. I Asked Her, "what, You Can't Think Of Anybody Either?"

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. I Don't Believe Meatloaf Should Glow In The Dark

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, I Took Her To The Top Of The Empire State Building And Planes Started To Attack Her.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. My Mother Breast Fed Me Through A Straw.

I Tell Ya, My Wife, We Get Along Good Cause We Have Our Own Arrangement. I Mean, One Night A Week I Go Out With The Boys And One Night A Week, She Goes Out With The Boys.

Don't Talk About Yourself So Much...we'll Do That When You Leave.

Last Week I Told My Psychiatrist, 'i Keep Thinking About Suicide', And He Told Me From Now I Have To Pay In Advance.

My Mother Had Morning Sickness After I Was Born.

My Life Is Nothing But Pressure. All Pressure. This Pressure Is Like A Heaviness. It's Always On Top Of Me, This Heaviness. It's Always There Since I'm A Kid. Other People Wake Up In The Morning, 'a New Day! Ah, Up And At 'em!' I Wake Up, The Heaviness Is Waiting For Me Nice. Sometimes I Even Talk To It. I Say [adopts Cheerful Voice] 'hi, Heaviness!' And The Heaviness Looks Back At Me, [in An Ominous Growl] 'today You're Gonna Get It Good. You'll Be Drinking Early Today.'

Men Who Do Things Without Being Told Draw The Most Wages.

I Was So Ugly My Mother Used To Feed Me With A Sling Shot.

Last Week My Tie Caught On Fire, Some Guy Tried To Put It Out With An Axe.

I Went To A Freak Show And They Let Me In For Nothing.

I Have Good Looking Kids. Thank Goodness My Wife Cheats On Me.

People Ask If I Can Get It Up In The Morning. I Tell Them Are You Kidding I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

[on 8/24/04, Before Entering A Los Angeles Hospital For Heart Valve Replacement Surgery] If Things Go Right, I'll Be There About A Week, And If Things Don't Go Right, I'll Be There About An Hour And A Half.

I Don't Get No Respect. I Called Suicide Prevention. They Tried To Talk Me Into It.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. In My House, We Pray After We Eat.

I've Never Been Lucky. The Day My Ship Came In, I Was At The Airport.

Life's A Short Trip. You'll Find Out.

After I Got Divorced, I Said To Myself, I Will Never, Ever Get Married Again. It Was In Cement. I Went Through A Really Rough Twenty-five Years, But It Happened Again. I Fell In Love. I Told Her, Baby, I Don't Want A Prenuptial Agreement. This Is It. Everyone Told Me I Was Nuts. Well, My New Wife And I Are Married Six Years And We Get Along Great. You Can Make Anything Work If You're Both Givers.

My Wife Has Teeth Like The Stars... They Come Out At Night.

When I Was A Kid My Parents Moved A Lot, But I Always Found Them.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. I Asked Him, "how Can I Get My Kite In The Air?" He Told Me To Run Off A Cliff.

With My Doctor, I Don't Get No Respect. I Told Him I Want A Vasectomy. He Said With A Face Like Mine, I Don't Need One.

In High School, When I Played Football I Got No Respect. I Shared A Locker With A Mop.

I Once Had A Problem ... So I Tried Group Sex. Now I Have A New Problem - Who To Thank.

I'm Sitting On Top Of The World, And I've Got Hemorrhoids.

My Problem Is That I Appeal To Everyone That Can Do Me Absolutely No Good.

Life Is Just A Bowl Of Pits.

My Cousin Is Gay, I Always Tell Him That In Our Family Tree, He's In The Fruit Section.

If Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder, So Is Ugliness.

She Was So Fat That Her Clothes Are Made By Omar The Tent Maker.

My Wifes Cooking Is So Bad The Flys Fix Our Screens

There's Only One Thing Wrong With My Wife's Face - It Shows.

When I Told My Wife She Was Lousy In Bed - She Went Out - She Got A Second Opinion.

To Give You An Idea How Well I Was Doing At The Time I Quit, I Was The Only One Who Knew I Quit.

I Get No Respect... I Tell You, When I Was Born, The Doctor Smacked My Mother

I Told My Wife 'hey Honey Come On, Let's Make Love Like The Old Days.' She Asked Me For 50 Bucks.

I Found There Was Only One Way To Look Thin: Hang Out With Fat People.

My Wife Only Has Sex With Me For A Purpose. Last Night It Was To Time An Egg.

My Wife Is Always Trying To Get Rid Of Me. The Other Day She Told Me To Put The Garbage Out. I Said To Her I Already Did. She Told Me To Go And Keep An Eye On It.

It's Lonely On The Top When There's No One On The Bottom.

Lonely At The Top

My Wife's So Dumb, She Got A Nail In The Spare!!

And My Girlfriend, She's Fat! How Fat? She's So Fat She Wears Two Watches-one For Each Time Zone!

With Girls I Get No Respect. A Belly Dancer Told Me I Turned Her Stomach.

I Was An Ugly Child. I Got Lost On The Beach. I Asked A Cop If He Could Find My Parents. He Said, 'i Don't Know. There's Lots Of Places For Them To Hide'.

My Wife Isn't Very Bright. The Other Day She Was At The Store, And Just As She Was Heading For Our Car, Someone Stole It! I Said, "did You See The Guy That Did It?" She Said, "no, But I Got The License Plate."

I Asked My Wife, 'on A Scale Of 1 To 10, How Do You Rate Me As A Lover?' She Said, 'you Know I'm No Good At Fractions.'

My Wife Wants Sex In The Back Of The Car And She Wants Me To Drive.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. He Told Me Never Take Candy From A Stranger Unless He Offered Me A Ride.

If Every Man Was As True To His Country As He Was To His Wife, We'd Be In A Lot Of Trouble.

You Take Care And I Hope I'll Run Into You - When I'm Driving.

My Wife And I Keep Fighting About Sex And Money. I Think She Charges Me Too Much.

With Me, Nothing Goes Right. My Psychiatrist Said My Wife And I Should Have Sex Every Night. Now, We'll Never See Each Other!

She Was So Ugly That I Took Her To A Dog Show And She Won First Prize.

I Live In A Bad Neighborhood. Why, I Saw Two Complete Strangers Share A Taxi - Yeah, One Guy Took The Radio And The Other Guy Took The Tires.

When I Was 3 Years Old, My Parents Got A Dog. I Was Jealous Of The Dog, So They Got Rid Of Me.

My Family Was A Bunch Of Drunks. When I Was Six I Came Up Missing, They Put My Picture On A Bottle Of Scotch.

I Tell Ya, My Wife Was Never Nice. On Our First Date, I Asked Her If I Could Give Her A Goodnight Kiss On The Cheek - She Bent Over!

It Was The Same Thing In The Army, No Respect. They Gave Me A Uniform That Glowed In The Dark.

A Hooker Once Told Me She Had A Headache.

Yeah, I Know I'm Ugly... I Said To A Bartender, 'make Me A Zombie.' He Said 'god Beat Me To It.'

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. On My Street, The Kids Take Hubcaps - From Moving Cars.

At Christmas Time We Couldn't Afford Tinsel, So We'd Wait Till Grandpa Sneezed.

Getting Older Is Tough. I Remember The Last Time I Felt An Erection. It Was At The Movies. The Only Trouble Is, It Belonged To The Guy Sitting Next To Me.

I Like To Date Schoolteachers. If You Do Something Wrong, They Make You Do It Over Again.

It's Nice To Be The Best, But Not When Being The Best Brings Out The Worst In You.

I Have Tried A Little Kinky Stuff. A Woman Called Me And Said, 'i Have Mirrors All Over My Bedroom. Bring A Bottle.' I Brought Windex.

I Looked Up My Family Tree And Found Out I Was The Sap.

My Dog Learned How To Beg By Watching Me Through The Bedroom Door.

What A Kid I Got, I Told Him About The Birds And The Bee And He Told Me About The Butcher And My Wife.

He Who Laughs Last Didn't Get It In The First Place.

She Was So Fat That Her Bathtub Has Stretch Marks.

I Once Asked A Policeman How Far It Was To The Subway. He Said, "i Don't Know, No One Has Ever Made It".

My Old Man Never Liked Me. He Gave Me My Allowance In Traveler's Checks.

Women My Age Just Don't Turn Me On. That's Another Problem With Getting Older. I Took Out An Older Woman The Other Night, And I Mean Old. I Told Her, Act Your Age. She Died.

I Walked In On My Wife And The Milkman, The First Thing She Says Is "don't Tell The Butcher"!

I Have Nothing But Troubles With My Car. Every Sunday I Take My Family Out For A Push.

If I Could Have Dinner With Anyone Who Lived In History, It Would Depend On The Restaurant.

My Wife Has Cut Our Lovemaking Down To Once A Month, But I Know Two Guys She's Cut Out Entirely.

Comedy Is A Camouflage For Depression.

At Twenty A Man Is Full Of Fight And Hope. He Wants To Reform The World. When He Is Seventy He Still Wants To Reform The World, But He Know He Can't.

I Worked In A Pet Store And People Would Ask How Big I Would Get.

I Can't Get No Respect.

For Christmas One Year I Bought My Son A Bb Gun. He Bought Me A T-shirt With A Bulls Eye On The Back.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Once A Guy Pulled A Knife On Me. I Knew He Wasn't A Professional, The Knife Had Butter On It.

Everyone Gets Their Rough Day. No One Gets A Free Ride. Today So Far, I Had A Good Day. I Got A Dial Tone.

What A Dog I Got. Last Night He Went On The Paper Four Times - Three While I Was Reading It.

My Wife A Great Driver, She Once Hit A Deer. It Was In A Zoo. There Is A Pair Of Shoes On The Dashboard. They Belong To The Last Guy She Hit

Oh, When I Was A Kid In Show Business I Was Poor. I Used To Go To Orgies To Eat The Grapes.

I Haven't Spoken To My Wife In Years. I Didn't Want To Interrupt Her.

Do Ya Remember The First Time You Had Sex? I Do, And Boy, Was I Scared! I Was Alone!

I Bought A Perfect Second Car... A Tow Truck.

One Time I Went To A Hotel. I Asked The Bellhop To Handle My Bag. He Felt Up My Wife!

I Tell Ya, My Wife's A Lousy Cook. After Dinner, I Don't Brush My Teeth. I Count Them.

Time And Tide And Hookers Wait For No Man.

I Tell Ya, It's Tough To Save A Buck. Right Now I'm Supporting Two Fighters. My Wife And Her Mother.

We Want Five Thousand Dollars Or You'll See Your Kid Again.

One Day As I Came Home Early, I Saw A Man Jogging Naked. I Said To The Guy, 'hey, Buddy, Why Are You Doing That?' He Said, 'because You Came Home Early.'

My Parents Didn't Like Me. For Bathtub Toys They Gave Me A Blender And A Transistor Radio.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. I've Got The Only Dog Who Begs For Alka-seltzer.

I Tell Ya, With My Wife, I Got No Sex Life. Her Favorite Position Is Facing Bloomingdale's.

I Don't Get No Respect, No Respect At All!

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, She Had A Face Like A Saint-a Saint Bernard!

With My Dog I Don't Get No Respect. He Keeps Barking At The Front Door. He Don't Want To Go Out. He Wants Me To Leave.

When We Got Married My Wife Told Me I Was One In A Million. I Found Out She Was Right.

I Asked My Wife, 'is There Somebody Else?' She Said, 'there Must Be.'

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. When I Went On The Roller Coaster, My Old Man Told Me To Stand Up Straight.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. The Time I Was Kidnapped, And The Kidnappers Sent My Parents A Note They Said, "we Want Five Thousand Dollars Or You'll See Your Kid Again."

I'm Getting So Old My Insurance Company Sends Me 1/2 A Calendar!

A Travel Agent Told I Could Spend 7 Nights In Hawaii No Days Just Nights.

I Asked My Old Man If I Could Go Ice-skating On The Lake. He Told Me, "wait Til It Gets Warmer."

At Christmas Time I Sat On Santa's Lap. His Fly Was Open ! Boy What A Present He Gave Me !

I Told My Doctor I Wonna Stop Aging, He Gave Me A Gun!

His Breath Is So Bad Why Every Time He Smokes He Blows Onion Rings.

Boy Is My Wife Stupid. It Takes Her And Hour And A Half To Watch 60 Minutes. My Daughters No Bargain Either. In Public School She Was Voted Most Likely To Conceive.

Last Time I Saw A Mouth Like That, It Had A Hook In It.

I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Had No Friends. I Remember The See-saw. I Had To Keep Runnin' From One End To The Other.

My Wife She's Fat. Why, If She Lost A Few Pounds, She'd Be Perfectly Round.

I Once Went Out With This Girl, She Was No Bargain Either, She Showed Up With Pigtails Under Her Arms.

My Cousin Is Gay, In School While Other Kids Were Dissecting Frog, He Was Opening Flies.

I Come From A Stupid Family. My Father Worked In A Bank. They Caught Him Stealing Pens.

What A Childhood I Had. Once On My Birthday My Ol' Man Gave Me A Bat. The First Day I Played With It, It Flew Away.

I Told My Dentist I Want A Tooth To Match The Others. He Gave My One With Four Cavities.

What A Dog I Got, He Found Out We Look Alike, So He Killed Himself.

All My Wife And I Do Is Fight About Sex. The Other Night, We Really Had It Out. Well, I'll Put It This Way - I Had It Out.

What A Childhood I Had. My Parents Sent Me To A Child Psychiatrist. The Kid Didn't Help Me At All.

I Come Home From Work Early One Day, And I See A Guy Jogging Down The Street In His Underwear. I Ask Him, "why Are You Jogging In Your Underwear?" He Says, "you Came Home From Work Early".

I Once Dated A Girl That Was Wild. She Was So Wild That One Night She Gave Her Phone Number To The Mechanical Bull.

When I Was Kidnapped As A Child My Parents Sent A Letter To The Hijackers Me Pay 5,000 Dollars Or Your Back

Oh, I Was An Ugly Kid. My Old Man Took Me To The Zoo. They Thanked Him For Returning Me.

My Mother Never Breast Fed Me, She Told Me She Only Liked Me As A Friend.

When I Was Forty, I Was Getting Divorced, Living In A Low-class, Dirty Hotel In New York. My Mother Was Dying Of Cancer. I Owed $20,000. That Was About The Lowest. I Came Back To Show Business, And I Couldn't Get A Job. I Was Turned Down By Every Small-time Agent In New York.

I Started Over Again With An Image: Nothing Goes Right. Then When The Godfather Came Out, All I Heard Was, Show Respect. With Me, You Show Respect. So I Changed The Image To I Don't Get No Respect. I Tried It Out In Greenwich Village. I Remember The First Joke I Told: Even As A Kid, I'd Play Hide And Seek And The Other Kids Wouldn't Even Look For Me. The People Laughed. After The Show, They Started Saying To Me, Me, Too - I Don't Get No Respect. I Figured, Let's Try It Again.

I Was An Ugly Kid; When I Was Born, After The Doctor Cut The Cord, He Hung Himself.

I Remember I Was So Depressed I Was Going To Jump Out A Window On The Tenth Floor; They Sent A Priest Up To Talk To Me And He Said, ' On Your Mark...'

Boy What A Hotel That Was, Why They Stole My Towel.

My Daughters Been Picked Up So Many Times She's Starting To Grow Handles

One Night I Came Home. I Figured, Let My Wife Come On. I'll Play It Cool. Let Her Make The First Move. She Went To Florida.

With My Wife I Get No Respect. I Fell Asleep With A Cigarette In My Hand. She Lit It.

My Doctor Told Me To Watch My Drinking. Now I Drink In Front Of A Mirror.

With Sex My Wife Thinks Twice Before She Turns Me Down. Yeah, Once In The Morning And Once At Night.

I'll Tell You One Thing, I Know How To Satisfy My Wife In Bed, Yeah, I Leave.

I Used To Date A Girl From Buffalo. Why Can't I Meet A Girl With Normal Parents?

A Man In The Crowd Asks: Hey Rodney, How'd You Get Started? Rodney: I Was 12 Years Old, Alone In My Room, And I Got Started!

On Halloween, The Parents Sent Their Kids Out Looking Like Me.

People Say Fish Is Good For A Diet. But Fish Should Never Be Cooked In Butter. Fish Should Be Cooked In Its Natural Oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

I Come From A Stupid Family. During The Civil War My Great Uncle Fought For The West.

I Know I'm Not Sexy. In High School I Was Voted Most Likely To Masturbate.

My Wife And I Were Happy For 20 Years. Then We Met.

When My Parents Got Divorced, There Was A Custody Fight Over Me. ... And No One Showed Up.

My Wife Gives Good Headache.

My Wife Made Me Join A Bridge Club... I Jump Off Next Tuesday.

I Met The Surgeon General - He Offered Me A Cigarette.

I'm Not A Sexy Guy. I Went To A Hooker. I Dropped My Pants. She Dropped Her Price.

You Live With Life's Disappointments And Learn From Them. At Seventy-eight, I Know It All.

I Tell Ya, I Know The Best Way To Get Girls. I Hang Out At Women's Prisons, And Wait For Parolees.

In The School I Went To, They Asked A Kid To Prove The Law Of Gravity And He Threw The Teacher Out Of The Window.

My Car Broke Down Just The Other Day, I Called Triple A, They Came And Towed Me Away!

My Kids Scotch Tape Worms To The Sidewalk And Watch The Birds Get Hernias.

If You Can't Write Your Own Material, You Have Very Little Chance Of Making It As A Comedian.

People Seldom Live Up To Their Baby Pictures.

Once When I Was Lost I Asked A Policeman To Help Me Find My Parents. I Said To Him, 'do You Think We'll Ever Find Them?' He Answered, 'i Don't Know, Kid. There Are So Many Places They Can Hide.

What A Childhood I Had, Why, When I Took My First Step, My Old Man Tripped Me!

I Like Southern Girls. They Talk So Slow That By The Time They Say No, I Made It Already.

Well With Girls I Don't Get No Respect. I Had A Blind Date. I Waited Two Hours On The Corner. A Girl Walked By. I Said Are You Louise? She Said, Are You Rodney? I Said, Yeah. She Said, I'm Not Louise.

My Golf Game Is Getting Real Good. Last Week, I Got Through The Windmill.

When I Go To A Nude Beach, I Always Take A Ruler, Just In Case I Have To Prove Something.

My Boy Is A Mean Kid. I Came Home The Other Day And Saw Him Taping Worms To The Sidewalk, He Sits There And Watches The Birds Get Hernias. Well, Only Last Christmas I Gave Him A B-b Gun And He Gave Me A Sweatshirt With A Bulls-eye On The Back. I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

Acting Deals With Very Delicate Emotions. It Is Not Putting Up A Mask. Each Time An Actor Acts He Does Not Hide; He Exposes Himself.

I Drink Too Much. The Last Time I Gave A Urine Sample It Had An Olive In It.

My Wife Can't Cook At All. She Made Chocolate Mousse. An Antler Got Stuck In My Throat.

I Have Three Kids, One Of Each.

My Kid Wants To Be A Prison Warden When He Grows Up So He Can Put Thumb Tacks On The Electric Chairs.

The Other Night A Mugger Took Off His Mask And Made Me Wear It.

What A Doctor I've Got - He's Really Mixed Up. Last Week, He Grabbed My Knee And Told Me To Cough. Then Hit Me In The Balls With A Hammer.

Dad Told Me To Stop Running In Circles, I Couldn't, So He Nailed Down My Other Foot!

My Sex Life Is Terrible; My Wife Put A Mirror Over The Dog's Bed. Actually She Did Put A Mirror Over Our Bed. She Says She Likes To Watch Herself Laugh.

I'm A Downer. I've Been Depressed My Whole Life. Figure It Out.

When I Was Born I Brought No Joy, My Father Said He Wanted A Boy!

You Can Name Your Own Salary In This Business. I Call Mine Fred.

I Don't Get No Respect

The Shape I'm In, I Could Donate My Body To Science Fiction.

We Lived In A Neighborhood That Was Too Rich For Us. When I Was Young, I Had To Deliver Groceries To The Homes Of The Kids I Went To School With. I Had To Go To The Back Doors To Make The Deliveries. It Was Embarrassing. That Was One Thing Out Of A Hundred.

I Told My Doctor I Got Water On My Knee, He Gave Me A Sponge And Raised His Fee!

I'm Tellin' Ya I Get No Respect. When I Was In Switzerland, I Got An Obscene Yodel.

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