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I Like Southern Girls. They Talk So Slow That By The Time They Say No, I Made It Already.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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I Like Southern Girls.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I Like Southern Girls. They Talk So Slow That By The Time They Say No, I Made It Already.

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I Don't Know Kid, There Are So Many Places They Could Hide.

My Only Thrill Is Self Inflicted Hickies.

My Son's An Idiot. His Teacher Asked Him To Spell Mississippi. He Asked Which One? The River Or The State?

My Golf Game Is Getting Real Good. Last Week, I Got Through The Windmill.

I Was Making Love To This Girl And She Started Crying. I Said, "are You Going To Hate Yourself In The Morning?" She Said, "no, I Hate Myself Now."

To Me, Viagra Is The Same As Disneyland. You Wait An Hour For A Two-minute Ride.

The Other Night A Mugger Took Off His Mask And Made Me Wear It.

I'm A Bad Lover. Once I Caught A Peeping Tom Booing Me.

I Drink Too Much. The Last Time I Gave A Urine Sample It Had An Olive In It.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Had No Friends. I Remember The See-saw. I Had To Keep Runnin' From One End To The Other.

A Travel Agent Told I Could Spend 7 Nights In Hawaii No Days Just Nights.

My Kid Wants To Be A Prison Warden When He Grows Up So He Can Put Thumb Tacks On The Electric Chairs.

My Psychiatrist Told Me I Was Crazy And I Said I Want A Second Opinion. He Said Okay, You're Ugly Too.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. I Don't Believe Meatloaf Should Glow In The Dark

One Night I Asked A Cabbie To Take Me Where The Action Is, He Took Me To My House.

My Daughters Been Picked Up So Many Times She's Starting To Grow Handles

Better To Keep Quiet And Let People Think You're An Idiot Than Speak Up And Confirm It.

I Once Asked A Policeman How Far It Was To The Subway. He Said, "i Don't Know, No One Has Ever Made It".

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. I Put My Hand In Some Cement And Felt Another Hand.

My Boy Is A Mean Kid. I Came Home The Other Day And Saw Him Taping Worms To The Sidewalk, He Sits There And Watches The Birds Get Hernias. Well, Only Last Christmas I Gave Him A B-b Gun And He Gave Me A Sweatshirt With A Bulls-eye On The Back. I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

And My Girlfriend, She's Fat! How Fat? She's So Fat She Wears Two Watches-one For Each Time Zone!

My Wife She's Fat. Why, If She Lost A Few Pounds, She'd Be Perfectly Round.

When My Wife Drives, There's Always Trouble. The Other Day She Took The Car. She Came Home. She Told Me, There's Water In The Carburetor. I Asked Her, Where's The Car? She Said, In A Lake.

She Was So Ugly That Her Face Could Stop A Sundial.

At My Age I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

My Wife's Jealousy Is Getting Ridiculous. The Other Day She Looked At My Calendar And Wanted To Know Who May Was.

For Two Hours, Some Guy Followed Me Around With A Pooper Scooper.

I Went To Look For A Used Car And Found My Wife's Dress In The Back Seat.

To Give You An Idea How Well I Was Doing At The Time I Quit, I Was The Only One Who Knew I Quit.

He Found A New Way To Cover Up His Bad Breath. He Holds Up His Arms.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. When He Took Me Hunting He Gave Me A Three Minute Head Start. Then On The Way Home He Tied Me To The Fender And Put The Deer In The Car.

I Like Southern Girls. They Talk So Slow That By The Time They Say No, I Made It Already.

We Lived In A Neighborhood That Was Too Rich For Us. When I Was Young, I Had To Deliver Groceries To The Homes Of The Kids I Went To School With. I Had To Go To The Back Doors To Make The Deliveries. It Was Embarrassing. That Was One Thing Out Of A Hundred.

My Wifes Cooking Is So Bad The Flys Fix Our Screens

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Says No Because She's Tired Then Stays Up And Reads Her Book.

My Wife Only Has Sex With Me For A Purpose. Last Night It Was To Time An Egg.

When I Was A Kid We Were So Poor, If I Hadn't Been A Boy I Wouldn't Have Had Anything To Play With.

I Bought A Perfect Second Car... A Tow Truck.

I've Never Been Lucky. The Day My Ship Came In, I Was At The Airport.

When I Played In The Sandbox, The Cat Kept Covering Me Up.

Don't Talk About Yourself So Much...we'll Do That When You Leave.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. I Asked Him, "how Can I Get My Kite In The Air?" He Told Me To Run Off A Cliff.

It's Lonely On The Top When There's No One On The Bottom.

Lonely At The Top

Steak And Sex, My Favorite Pair. I Get Them Both Very Rare.

I Once Dated A Girl That Was Wild. She Was So Wild That One Night She Gave Her Phone Number To The Mechanical Bull.

I Once Met A Beautiful, Proper English Girl. I Bid Her Adieu.... She Bid Me A Don't.

You Take Care And I Hope I'll Run Into You - When I'm Driving.

I Was So Poor Growing Up...if I Wasn't A Boy...i'd Have Nothing To Play With.

I Told My Psychiatrist That Everyone Hates Me. He Said I Was Being Ridiculous - Everyone Hasn't Met Me Yet.

I Told My Doctor, "i've Swallowed A Bottle Of Sleeping Pills" And He Told Me To Have A Few Drinks And Get Some Rest.

People Seldom Live Up To Their Baby Pictures.

I Don't Care How Rich And Successful A Man Is. He's Nothing Without An Education.

When I Was Born I Was So Ugly The Doctor Slapped My Mother.

My Problem Is That I Appeal To Everyone That Can Do Me Absolutely No Good.

I Tell Ya I Got A Stupid Son. That's One Load That Shoulda Been Shot On The Wall.

Women My Age Just Don't Turn Me On. That's Another Problem With Getting Older. I Took Out An Older Woman The Other Night, And I Mean Old. I Told Her, Act Your Age. She Died.

I Tell Ya When I Was A Kid, All I Knew Was Rejection. My Yo-yo, It Never Came Back.

My Wife And I Were Happy For 20 Years. Then We Met.

Everyone Gets Their Rough Day. No One Gets A Free Ride. Today So Far, I Had A Good Day. I Got A Dial Tone.

You Wanna Have Laughs? Do What I Do. When I Go Through A Tollbooth, I Keep Going. I Tell The Guy, The Car Behind Me Is Paying For Two.

I Don't Get No Respect, No Respect At All!

What A Kid I Got, I Told Him About The Birds And The Bee And He Told Me About The Butcher And My Wife.

I Asked My Wife If She Would Put Out The Garbage. She Said Why Should I You Never Put Out For Me.

Men Who Do Things Without Being Told Draw The Most Wages.

Everyone Says That Looks Don't Matter, Age Doesn't Matter, Money Doesn't Matter. But I Never Met A Girl Yet Who Has Fallen In Love With An Old Ugly Man Who's Broke.

Guy Goes Into A Bar With A Duck Under His Arm. Bartender Says, "where'd You Get The Pig?" Guy Says, "this Is A Duck." Bartender Says, "i Was Talking To The Duck."

When I Told My Wife She Was Lousy In Bed - She Went Out - She Got A Second Opinion.

This Morning When I Put On My Underwear I Could Hear The Fruit-of-the-loom Guys Laughing At Me.

I Had Plenty Of Pimples As A Kid. One Day I Fell Asleep In The Library. When I Woke Up, A Blind Man Was Reading My Face.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. When I Went On The Roller Coaster, My Old Man Told Me To Stand Up Straight.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, She Had A Face Like A Saint-a Saint Bernard!

Oh, When I Was A Kid In Show Business I Was Poor. I Used To Go To Orgies To Eat The Grapes.

I Tell Ya, Gambling Never Agreed With Me. Last Week I Went To The Track And They Shot My Horse With The Opening Gun.

My Wife Has Cut Our Lovemaking Down To Once A Month, But I Know Two Guys She's Cut Out Entirely.

My Father Carries Around The Picture Of The Kid Who Came With His Wallet.

All My Wife And I Do Is Fight About Sex. The Other Night, We Really Had It Out. Well, I'll Put It This Way - I Had It Out.

I'd Like To Get Some New Clothes, But I Can't Find A Big And Short Store.

What A Dog I Got, His Favorite Bone Is In My Arm.

She Was So Ugly That I Took Her To A Dog Show And She Won First Prize.

Cars And Women Are A Lot Alike. They Lie About The Milage.

You Live With Life's Disappointments And Learn From Them. At Seventy-eight, I Know It All.

I Used To Date A Girl From Buffalo. Why Can't I Meet A Girl With Normal Parents?

If Every Man Was As True To His Country As He Was To His Wife, We'd Be In A Lot Of Trouble.

I Think My Wife Is Cheating On Me, The Only Thing The Parrot Knows How To Say Is, Quick Out The Window.

Time And Tide And Hookers Wait For No Man.

...went To A Bar For A Few Drinks. The Bartender Asked What I Wanted. "surprise Me", I Said. So He Showed Me A Naked Picture Of My Wife.

If Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder, So Is Ugliness.

I Was So Ugly My Mother Used To Feed Me With A Sling Shot.

My Wife's So Dumb, She Got A Nail In The Spare!!

There's Only One Thing Wrong With My Wife's Face - It Shows.

My Wife Isn't Very Bright. The Other Day She Was At The Store, And Just As She Was Heading For Our Car, Someone Stole It! I Said, "did You See The Guy That Did It?" She Said, "no, But I Got The License Plate."

I Come From A Stupid Family. My Uncle Heard That Most Deaths Occurs Within Ten Miles Of The House...so He Moved.

Hey Everybody, We're All Gonna Get Laid!

When I Was 3 Years Old, My Parents Got A Dog. I Was Jealous Of The Dog, So They Got Rid Of Me.

My Wife Has To Be The Worst Cook. In My House, We Pray After We Eat.

My Life Is Nothing But Pressure. All Pressure. This Pressure Is Like A Heaviness. It's Always On Top Of Me, This Heaviness. It's Always There Since I'm A Kid. Other People Wake Up In The Morning, 'a New Day! Ah, Up And At 'em!' I Wake Up, The Heaviness Is Waiting For Me Nice. Sometimes I Even Talk To It. I Say [adopts Cheerful Voice] 'hi, Heaviness!' And The Heaviness Looks Back At Me, [in An Ominous Growl] 'today You're Gonna Get It Good. You'll Be Drinking Early Today.'

It's Great To Have Gray Hair. Ask Anyone Who's Bald.

I Asked My Old Man If I Could Go Ice-skating On The Lake. He Told Me, "wait Til It Gets Warmer."

People Say Fish Is Good For A Diet. But Fish Should Never Be Cooked In Butter. Fish Should Be Cooked In Its Natural Oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

Boy What A Hotel That Was, Why They Stole My Towel.

When I Was Forty, I Was Getting Divorced, Living In A Low-class, Dirty Hotel In New York. My Mother Was Dying Of Cancer. I Owed $20,000. That Was About The Lowest. I Came Back To Show Business, And I Couldn't Get A Job. I Was Turned Down By Every Small-time Agent In New York.

Group Sex, Are You Kidding, I Had Group Sex - My Wife Screwed In Front Of The Jury.

She Was So Fat That Her Belly Button Makes An Echo.

People Ask If I Can Get It Up In The Morning. I Tell Them Are You Kidding I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

I'm A Bisexual; I Get It Maybe Twice A Year.

My Cousin Is Gay, I Always Tell Him That In Our Family Tree, He's In The Fruit Section.

I'm Getting So Old My Insurance Company Sends Me 1/2 A Calendar!

I Come From A Stupid Family. During The Civil War My Great Uncle Fought For The West.

I Am The World's Oldest Teenager. I've Never Lost My Youthful Attitude.

I Went To A Freak Show And They Let Me In For Nothing.

You Know You're Old When Your Family Talk About You In Front Of You. What Are We Going To Do With Pop? We Have Company Tonight.

It Would Be Great If People Never Got Angry At Someone For Doing Something They've Done Themselves.

I Got Myself Good This Morning Too. I Did My Pushups In The Nude, I Didn't See The Mouse Trap.

A Girl Phoned Me The Other Day And Said... 'come On Over, There's Nobody Home.' I Went Over. Nobody Was Home.

I Went To A Massage Parlor, It Was Self Service.

My Wife Gives Good Headache.

I'll Tell Ya, My Wife And I, We Don't Think Alike. She Donates Money To The Homeless, And I Donate Money To The Topless!

I Stuck My Head Out The Window And Got Arrested For Mooning.

My Father Gave Me A Bat For Christmas. The First Time I Tried To Play With It, It Flew Away.

I'm Not A Sexy Guy. I Went To A Hooker. I Dropped My Pants. She Dropped Her Price.

Once I Pulled A Job, I Was So Stupid. I Picked A Guy's Pocket On An Airplane And Made A Run For It.

Look Out For Number One And Try Not To Step In Number Two.

If You Could Learn To Make Love, I Could Fire The Chauffer.

I Told My Dentist My Teeth Are Going Yellow. He Told Me To Wear A Brown Tie.

At Christmas Time We Couldn't Afford Tinsel, So We'd Wait Till Grandpa Sneezed.

My Car Broke Down Just The Other Day, I Called Triple A, They Came And Towed Me Away!

I'll Tell Ya, I Don't Get No Respect... The Other Day, I Got Back From A Business Trip. I Got In A Cab And Said To The Driver, "hey! Take Me To Where The Action Is!" So Ya Know Where He Took Me? He Took Me To My House!

Last Week I Told My Wife, If You Would Learn To Cook, I Could Fire The Chef. She Said, If You Could Learn To Make Love, I Could Fire The Chauffer.

My Old Man Never Liked Me. He Gave Me My Allowance In Traveler's Checks.

My Wife Is Such A Bad Cook, If We Leave Dental Floss In The Kitchen The Roaches Hang Themselves.

We Were Poor. We Were So Poor, In My Neighborhood The Rainbow Was In Black-and-white.

Black And White

I Was So Ugly My Parents Had To Hang A Pork Chop Around My Neck To Get The Dog To Play With Me.

Never Tell Your Wife She's Bad In Bed. She'll Go Out And Get A Second Opinion.

I Live In A Tough Neighborhood. They Got A Children's Zoo. Last Week, Four Kids Escaped.

Comedy Is In My Blood. Too Bad It's Not In My Act.

I Live In A Bad Neighborhood. Why, I Saw Two Complete Strangers Share A Taxi - Yeah, One Guy Took The Radio And The Other Guy Took The Tires.

I Tell Ya When I Fly, I Don't Get No Respect. I Took One Of Those Cheap Flights, No Frills. I Finished Eatin' And Had To Do The Dishes.

Well With Girls I Don't Get No Respect. I Had A Blind Date. I Waited Two Hours On The Corner. A Girl Walked By. I Said Are You Louise? She Said, Are You Rodney? I Said, Yeah. She Said, I'm Not Louise.

My Childhood Was Bad. No Father. Mother Was Greedy And Brought Me Up Awful - Never Made Me Breakfast Once. I Don't Want To Get Started. One Story Is Worse Than Another.

Acting Deals With Very Delicate Emotions. It Is Not Putting Up A Mask. Each Time An Actor Acts He Does Not Hide; He Exposes Himself.

I Told My Dentist I Want A Tooth To Match The Others. He Gave My One With Four Cavities.

I Say 'no' To Drugs. Whenever Someone Asks Me For Some Of My Drugs I Say, 'no.

Say No To Drugs

My Family Was A Bunch Of Drunks. When I Was Six I Came Up Missing, They Put My Picture On A Bottle Of Scotch.

One Night I Came Home. I Figured, Let My Wife Come On. I'll Play It Cool. Let Her Make The First Move. She Went To Florida.

My Wife Is So Fat That The Last Time I Saw Something That Big It Was Grazing.

With My Dog I Don't Get No Respect. He Keeps Barking At The Front Door. He Don't Want To Go Out. He Wants Me To Leave.

Last Time I Tried To Make Love To My Wife Nothing Happened, So I Said To Her, 'what's The Matter, You Can't Think Of Anybody Either?'

I Haven't Spoken To My Wife In Years. I Didn't Want To Interrupt Her.

[on 8/24/04, Before Entering A Los Angeles Hospital For Heart Valve Replacement Surgery] If Things Go Right, I'll Be There About A Week, And If Things Don't Go Right, I'll Be There About An Hour And A Half.

We Want Five Thousand Dollars Or You'll See Your Kid Again.

My Wife Can't Cook At All. She Made Chocolate Mousse. An Antler Got Stuck In My Throat.

Life's A Short Trip. You'll Find Out.

My Dog Learned How To Beg By Watching Me Through The Bedroom Door.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, They Use Her In Prisons To Cure Sex Offenders.

I Drink Too Much, Way Too Much; My Doctor Drew Blood He Ran A Tab!

I Can't Figure Women Out. They Put On Makeup For Three Hours. They Wear Things That Make Them Smaller. Things That Make Them Bigger. Then They Meet A Man And They Want Truth.

I Went To A Gay Bar, They Wanted Proof Of Sex So I Showed Them, They Said It Wasn't Enough.

One Year They Asked Me To Be Poster Boy - For Birth Control.

What A Childhood I Had. My Parents Sent Me To A Child Psychiatrist. The Kid Didn't Help Me At All.

I Told My Doctor I Wonna Stop Aging, He Gave Me A Gun!

Yeah, I Know I'm Ugly... I Said To A Bartender, 'make Me A Zombie.' He Said 'god Beat Me To It.'

I Met The Surgeon General - He Offered Me A Cigarette.

What A Childhood I Had. Once On My Birthday My Ol' Man Gave Me A Bat. The First Day I Played With It, It Flew Away.

I Remember The Time I Was Kidnapped And They Sent A Piece Of My Finger To My Father. He Said He Wanted More Proof.

I Told My Wife 'hey Honey Come On, Let's Make Love Like The Old Days.' She Asked Me For 50 Bucks.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, I Took Her To The Top Of The Empire State Building And Planes Started To Attack Her.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. My Mother Breast Fed Me Through A Straw.

I Remember I Was So Depressed I Was Going To Jump Out A Window On The Tenth Floor; They Sent A Priest Up To Talk To Me And He Said, ' On Your Mark...'

I Tell Ya, I Knew My Morning Wasn't Going Right. When I Put On My Shirt The Button Fell Off, When I Picked Up My Briefcase, The Handle Fell Off, I Tell Ya, I Was Afraid To Go To The Bathroom.

With Girls I Get No Respect. A Belly Dancer Told Me I Turned Her Stomach.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. On My Street, The Kids Take Hubcaps - From Moving Cars.

I Got My First Break And Became A Singing Waiter At Eighteen Or Nineteen. I Couldn't Make A Living At It. I Quit. Then I Got Married And Sold Aluminum Siding. My Wife Had Problems Physically. It Was Not Good.

With My Wife I Get No Respect. I Fell Asleep With A Cigarette In My Hand. She Lit It.

Do Ya Remember The First Time You Had Sex? I Do, And Boy, Was I Scared! I Was Alone!

I Asked My Wife, 'on A Scale Of 1 To 10, How Do You Rate Me As A Lover?' She Said, 'you Know I'm No Good At Fractions.'

I'm Not A Hypochondriac, But My Gynaecologist Firmly Believes I Am.

I Tell Ya, I Know The Best Way To Get Girls. I Hang Out At Women's Prisons, And Wait For Parolees.

I Started Over Again With An Image: Nothing Goes Right. Then When The Godfather Came Out, All I Heard Was, Show Respect. With Me, You Show Respect. So I Changed The Image To I Don't Get No Respect. I Tried It Out In Greenwich Village. I Remember The First Joke I Told: Even As A Kid, I'd Play Hide And Seek And The Other Kids Wouldn't Even Look For Me. The People Laughed. After The Show, They Started Saying To Me, Me, Too - I Don't Get No Respect. I Figured, Let's Try It Again.

In The School I Went To, They Asked A Kid To Prove The Law Of Gravity And He Threw The Teacher Out Of The Window.

I Saved A Girl From Being Attacked Last Night. I Controlled Myself.

I Tell Ya, I Was An Ugly Kid. I Was So Ugly That My Dad Kept The Kid's Picture That Came With The Wallet He Bought.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Once A Guy Pulled A Knife On Me. I Knew He Wasn't A Professional, The Knife Had Butter On It.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Told My Mother, I'm Gonna Run Away From Home. She Said, On Your Mark.

I'm Tellin' Ya I Get No Respect. When I Was In Switzerland, I Got An Obscene Yodel.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. He Told Me Never Take Candy From A Stranger Unless He Offered Me A Ride.

I Said To A Girl I'd Been Seeing, Come Home With Me, Honey, And I'll Show You Where It's At. She Said, You'd Better, Because The Last Time I Could'nt Find It.

Getting Older Is Tough. I Remember The Last Time I Felt An Erection. It Was At The Movies. The Only Trouble Is, It Belonged To The Guy Sitting Next To Me.

Last Time I Saw A Mouth Like That, It Had A Hook In It.

I Have Good Looking Kids. Thank Goodness My Wife Cheats On Me.

She Was So Fat That Her Clothes Are Made By Omar The Tent Maker.

I Once Had A Problem ... So I Tried Group Sex. Now I Have A New Problem - Who To Thank.

I Get No Respect. The Way My Luck Is Running, If I Was A Politician I Would Be Honest.

I Went To A Fight The Other Night, And A Hockey Game Broke Out.

My Wife Was Afraid Of The Dark. Then She Saw Me Naked, And Now She's Afraid Of The Light.

I Took My Son To Coney Island, I Said "wanna Go In The Crazy House?", He Said "save Your Money We'll Be Home Soon"!

I Found There Was Only One Way To Look Thin: Hang Out With Fat People.

When I Was Kidnapped As A Child My Parents Sent A Letter To The Hijackers Me Pay 5,000 Dollars Or Your Back

My Mother Had Morning Sickness After I Was Born.

They Say Love Thy Neighbor As Thy Self , What Am I Supposed To Do Jerk Him Off Too?

I Tell Ya, My Wife, We Get Along Good Cause We Have Our Own Arrangement. I Mean, One Night A Week I Go Out With The Boys And One Night A Week, She Goes Out With The Boys.

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