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When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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When I Got Back

Rodney Dangerfield

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When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.

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With Girls, I Don't Think Right. I Had A Date With One Girl, She Had Mirrors All Over Her Bedroom. She Told Me To Come Over And Bring A Bottle. I Got Windex.

My Cousins Gay, He Went To London Only To Find Out That Big Ben Was A Clock.

I Got My First Break And Became A Singing Waiter At Eighteen Or Nineteen. I Couldn't Make A Living At It. I Quit. Then I Got Married And Sold Aluminum Siding. My Wife Had Problems Physically. It Was Not Good.

I Tell Ya I Got A Stupid Son. That's One Load That Shoulda Been Shot On The Wall.

I Told My Wife A Man Is Like Wine, He Gets Better With Age. She Locked Me In The Cellar.

Funny Relationship

What A Dog I Got, He Found Out We Look Alike, So He Killed Himself.

And My Girlfriend, She's Fat! How Fat? She's So Fat She Wears Two Watches-one For Each Time Zone!

I Tell Ya, My Wife, We Get Along Good Cause We Have Our Own Arrangement. I Mean, One Night A Week I Go Out With The Boys And One Night A Week, She Goes Out With The Boys.

Comedy Is In My Blood. Too Bad It's Not In My Act.

My Wife Had Her Drivers’ Test The Other Day. She Got 8 Out Of 10. The Other 2 Guys Jumped Clear.

My Dog Learned How To Beg By Watching Me Through The Bedroom Door.

One Day As I Came Home Early, I Saw A Man Jogging Naked. I Said To The Guy, 'hey, Buddy, Why Are You Doing That?' He Said, 'because You Came Home Early.'

I Tell Ya, I Was An Ugly Kid. I Was So Ugly That My Dad Kept The Kid's Picture That Came With The Wallet He Bought.

My Mother Never Breast Fed Me, She Told Me She Only Liked Me As A Friend.

I Had Plenty Of Pimples As A Kid. One Day I Fell Asleep In The Library. When I Woke Up, A Blind Man Was Reading My Face.

I Went To See My Doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...i Told Him Once, "doctor, Every Morning When I Get Up And Look In The Mirror I Feel Like Throwing Up. What's Wrong With Me?" He Said, "i Don't Know, But Your Eyesight Is Perfect."

I Told My Doctor I Wonna Stop Aging, He Gave Me A Gun!

My Psychiatrist Told Me I Was Crazy And I Said I Want A Second Opinion. He Said Okay, You're Ugly Too.

I Come From A Stupid Family. My Father Worked In A Bank. They Caught Him Stealing Pens.

When My Old Man Wanted Sex, My Mother Would Show Him A Picture Of Me.

My Wife Is Always Trying To Get Rid Of Me. The Other Day She Told Me To Put The Garbage Out. I Said To Her I Already Did. She Told Me To Go And Keep An Eye On It.

I Walked In On My Wife And The Milkman, The First Thing She Says Is "don't Tell The Butcher"!

I'm Not A Sexy Guy. I Went To A Hooker. I Dropped My Pants. She Dropped Her Price.

You Know You're Ugly When You Go To The Proctologist And He Sticks His Finger In Your Mouth.

I Worked In A Pet Store And People Would Ask How Big I Would Get.

Don't Talk About Yourself So Much...we'll Do That When You Leave.

I Live In A Tough Neighborhood. They Got A Children's Zoo. Last Week, Four Kids Escaped.

I'm At The Age Where Food Has Taken The Place Of Sex In My Life. In Fact, I've Just Had A Mirror Put Over My Kitchen Table.

Life's A Short Trip. You'll Find Out.

The Other Night A Mugger Took Off His Mask And Made Me Wear It.

I Like Southern Girls. They Talk So Slow That By The Time They Say No, I Made It Already.

She Was Old Too, When She Went To School They Didn't Have History.

My Wife Gives Good Headache.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Once A Guy Pulled A Knife On Me. I Knew He Wasn't A Professional, The Knife Had Butter On It.

I Was An Ugly Child. I Got Lost On The Beach. I Asked A Cop If He Could Find My Parents. He Said, 'i Don't Know. There's Lots Of Places For Them To Hide'.

My Wife Has Teeth Like The Stars... They Come Out At Night.

I Once Went Out With This Wild Girl. She Made French Toast And Got Her Tongue Caught In The Toaster.

I Told My Wife The Truth. I Told Her I Was Seeing A Psychiatrist. Then She Told Me The Truth: That She Was Seeing A Psychiatrist, Two Plumbers, And A Bartender.

When You Walk Up Five Flights Of Stairs At Four In The Morning, There's Definitely A Hooker Involved.

I've Been Writing Jokes Since I'm Fifteen. Not Out Of Happiness, But To Go To A Different Place, Because Reality Wasn't Good To Me.

I Went To A Massage Parlor, It Was Self Service.

My Kid Wants To Be A Prison Warden When He Grows Up So He Can Put Thumb Tacks On The Electric Chairs.

Every Time I Get In An Elevator, The Operator Says The Same Thing To Me: 'basement?'

We Learned Sexual Technique From Our Dog. He Taught How To Beg, And He Taught My Wife How To Roll Over And Play Dead.

You Wanna Have Laughs? Do What I Do. When I Go Through A Tollbooth, I Keep Going. I Tell The Guy, The Car Behind Me Is Paying For Two.

You Know You're Old When Your Family Talk About You In Front Of You. What Are We Going To Do With Pop? We Have Company Tonight.

If Every Man Was As True To His Country As He Was To His Wife, We'd Be In A Lot Of Trouble.

I Told My Doctor I Got Water On My Knee, He Gave Me A Sponge And Raised His Fee!

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Why, Every Time I Shut The Window I Hurt Somebody's Fingers.

I Asked My Wife If She Would Put Out The Garbage. She Said Why Should I You Never Put Out For Me.

I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, I Took Her To The Top Of The Empire State Building And Planes Started To Attack Her.

I Found There Was Only One Way To Look Thin: Hang Out With Fat People.

I Bought A Perfect Second Car... A Tow Truck.

She Was So Fat That Her Clothes Are Made By Omar The Tent Maker.

I Tell Ya, I Knew My Morning Wasn't Going Right. When I Put On My Shirt The Button Fell Off, When I Picked Up My Briefcase, The Handle Fell Off, I Tell Ya, I Was Afraid To Go To The Bathroom.

I Once Went Out With This Girl, She Was No Bargain Either, She Showed Up With Pigtails Under Her Arms.

I Said To A Girl I'd Been Seeing, Come Home With Me, Honey, And I'll Show You Where It's At. She Said, You'd Better, Because The Last Time I Could'nt Find It.

My Wife Has Cut Our Lovemaking Down To Once A Month, But I Know Two Guys She's Cut Out Entirely.

It's Nice To Be The Best, But Not When Being The Best Brings Out The Worst In You.

My Wifes Cooking Is So Bad The Flys Fix Our Screens

My Daughters Been Picked Up So Many Times She's Starting To Grow Handles

I Took My Son To Coney Island, I Said "wanna Go In The Crazy House?", He Said "save Your Money We'll Be Home Soon"!

I Know I'm Not Sexy. In High School I Was Voted Most Likely To Masturbate.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Played Hide-and-seek. They Wouldn't Even Look For Me.

A Sense Of Humor Is Rare. It Isn't Telling A Joke About How There Are Three Ways To Get To Heaven. It's Being In A Restaurant And Hearing Someone Say, Everyone's Got Their Tale Of Woe, And Then Turning Around And Saying, Unfortunately, In Life, There's More Woe Than Tail.

With My Dog I Don't Get No Respect. He Keeps Barking At The Front Door. He Don't Want To Go Out. He Wants Me To Leave.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. He Told Me Never Take Candy From A Stranger Unless He Offered Me A Ride.

I Have Tried A Little Kinky Stuff. A Woman Called Me And Said, 'i Have Mirrors All Over My Bedroom. Bring A Bottle.' I Brought Windex.

I Tell Ya, It's Tough To Save A Buck. Right Now I'm Supporting Two Fighters. My Wife And Her Mother.

What A Childhood I Had - I Was Ten Years Old When I Found Out Alpo Was Dog Food.

I'm A Bisexual; I Get It Maybe Twice A Year.

I Tell Ya When I Fly, I Don't Get No Respect. I Took One Of Those Cheap Flights, No Frills. I Finished Eatin' And Had To Do The Dishes.

I Don't Care How Rich And Successful A Man Is. He's Nothing Without An Education.

During Sex, My Girlfriend Always Wants To Talk To Me… Just The Other Night She Called Me From A Hotel.

When I Told My Wife She Was Lousy In Bed - She Went Out - She Got A Second Opinion.

Group Sex, Are You Kidding, I Had Group Sex - My Wife Screwed In Front Of The Jury.

Last Halloween A Kid Tried To Rip My Face Off. He Thought It Was A Mask. Now It's Different When I Open The Door The Kids Hand Me Candy.

Oh, I Was An Ugly Kid. My Old Man Took Me To The Zoo. They Thanked Him For Returning Me.

When I Was Born I Was So Ugly The Doctor Slapped My Mother.

We Lived In A Neighborhood That Was Too Rich For Us. When I Was Young, I Had To Deliver Groceries To The Homes Of The Kids I Went To School With. I Had To Go To The Back Doors To Make The Deliveries. It Was Embarrassing. That Was One Thing Out Of A Hundred.

I'll Tell You One Thing, I Know How To Satisfy My Wife In Bed, Yeah, I Leave.

I Met The Surgeon General - He Offered Me A Cigarette.

For Two Hours, Some Guy Followed Me Around With A Pooper Scooper.

With Sex My Wife Thinks Twice Before She Turns Me Down. Yeah, Once In The Morning And Once At Night.

When I Was A Kid My Parents Moved A Lot, But I Always Found Them.

Once When I Was Lost I Asked A Policeman To Help Me Find My Parents. I Said To Him, 'do You Think We'll Ever Find Them?' He Answered, 'i Don't Know, Kid. There Are So Many Places They Can Hide.

Guy Goes Into A Bar With A Duck Under His Arm. Bartender Says, "where'd You Get The Pig?" Guy Says, "this Is A Duck." Bartender Says, "i Was Talking To The Duck."

I Come From A Stupid Family. My Uncle Heard That Most Deaths Occurs Within Ten Miles Of The House...so He Moved.

She Was So Fat That Her Bathtub Has Stretch Marks.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, They Use Her In Prisons To Cure Sex Offenders.

A Homeless Guy Came Up To Me On The Street, Said He Hadn't Eaten In Four Days. I Told Him, "man, I Wish I Had Your Willpower.

I Can't Get No Respect.

I Have Three Kids, One Of Each.

What A Doctor I've Got - He's Really Mixed Up. Last Week, He Grabbed My Knee And Told Me To Cough. Then Hit Me In The Balls With A Hammer.

Cars And Women Are A Lot Alike. They Lie About The Milage.

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Kisses The Dog On The Lips, Yet She Won't Drink From My Glass.

I Shouldn't Tell Jokes About My Wife. She's Attached To A Machine That Keeps Her Alive... The Refrigerator.

Last Time I Saw A Mouth Like That, It Had A Hook In It.

What A Dog I Got, His Favorite Bone Is In My Arm.

I Stuck My Head Out The Window And Got Arrested For Mooning.

I Started Over Again With An Image: Nothing Goes Right. Then When The Godfather Came Out, All I Heard Was, Show Respect. With Me, You Show Respect. So I Changed The Image To I Don't Get No Respect. I Tried It Out In Greenwich Village. I Remember The First Joke I Told: Even As A Kid, I'd Play Hide And Seek And The Other Kids Wouldn't Even Look For Me. The People Laughed. After The Show, They Started Saying To Me, Me, Too - I Don't Get No Respect. I Figured, Let's Try It Again.

A Travel Agent Told I Could Spend 7 Nights In Hawaii No Days Just Nights.

My Wife's Jealousy Is Getting Ridiculous. The Other Day She Looked At My Calendar And Wanted To Know Who May Was.

I Can't Figure Women Out. They Put On Makeup For Three Hours. They Wear Things That Make Them Smaller. Things That Make Them Bigger. Then They Meet A Man And They Want Truth.

Well With Girls I Don't Get No Respect. I Had A Blind Date. I Waited Two Hours On The Corner. A Girl Walked By. I Said Are You Louise? She Said, Are You Rodney? I Said, Yeah. She Said, I'm Not Louise.

I Went To A Gay Bar, They Wanted Proof Of Sex So I Showed Them, They Said It Wasn't Enough.

He Found A New Way To Cover Up His Bad Breath. He Holds Up His Arms.

I Went To Look For A Used Car And Found My Wife's Dress In The Back Seat.

At Twenty A Man Is Full Of Fight And Hope. He Wants To Reform The World. When He Is Seventy He Still Wants To Reform The World, But He Know He Can't.

I Was A Poster Child... For Birth Control!

Look Out For Number One And Try Not To Step In Number Two.

Steak And Sex, My Favorite Pair. I Get Them Both Very Rare.

My Sex Life Is Terrible; My Wife Put A Mirror Over The Dog's Bed. Actually She Did Put A Mirror Over Our Bed. She Says She Likes To Watch Herself Laugh.

Everyone Says That Looks Don't Matter, Age Doesn't Matter, Money Doesn't Matter. But I Never Met A Girl Yet Who Has Fallen In Love With An Old Ugly Man Who's Broke.

One Time I Went To A Hotel. I Asked The Bellhop To Handle My Bag. He Felt Up My Wife!

I Told My Dentist My Teeth Are Going Yellow. He Told Me To Wear A Brown Tie.

My Old Man Never Liked Me. He Gave Me My Allowance In Traveler's Checks.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. On My Street, The Kids Take Hubcaps - From Moving Cars.

Hey Everybody, We're All Gonna Get Laid!

I Once Met A Beautiful, Proper English Girl. I Bid Her Adieu.... She Bid Me A Don't.

Sure I Smoked Pot In Hospital. My Wife Won't Let Me Toke At Home.

I Tell Ya, With My Wife, I Got No Sex Life. Her Favorite Position Is Facing Bloomingdale's.

To Me, Viagra Is The Same As Disneyland. You Wait An Hour For A Two-minute Ride.

Once I Pulled A Job, I Was So Stupid. I Picked A Guy's Pocket On An Airplane And Made A Run For It.

They Change The Sheets Every Day... From One Bed To Another.

My Wife A Great Driver, She Once Hit A Deer. It Was In A Zoo. There Is A Pair Of Shoes On The Dashboard. They Belong To The Last Guy She Hit

Life Is Full Of Temporary Situations, Ultimately Ending In A Permanent Solution.

I Feel Sorry For Short People, You Know. When It Rains, They're The Last To Know.

With My Old Man I Got No Respect. When He Took Me Hunting He Gave Me A Three Minute Head Start. Then On The Way Home He Tied Me To The Fender And Put The Deer In The Car.

My Car Broke Down Just The Other Day, I Called Triple A, They Came And Towed Me Away!

My Mother Had Morning Sickness After I Was Born.

My Wife She's Fat. Why, If She Lost A Few Pounds, She'd Be Perfectly Round.

My Wife And I Keep Fighting About Sex And Money. I Think She Charges Me Too Much.

I Remember I Was So Depressed I Was Going To Jump Out A Window On The Tenth Floor; They Sent A Priest Up To Talk To Me And He Said, ' On Your Mark...'

What A Childhood I Had. Once On My Birthday My Ol' Man Gave Me A Bat. The First Day I Played With It, It Flew Away.

I Have Good Looking Kids. Thank Goodness My Wife Cheats On Me.

They Say Love Thy Neighbor As Thy Self , What Am I Supposed To Do Jerk Him Off Too?

All My Wife And I Do Is Fight About Sex. The Other Night, We Really Had It Out. Well, I'll Put It This Way - I Had It Out.

I'm Tellin' Ya I Get No Respect. When I Was In Switzerland, I Got An Obscene Yodel.

Me And My Dad Used To Play Tag, He'd Drive!

I Don't Get No Respect

I Tell Ya, My Wife's A Lousy Cook. After Dinner, I Don't Brush My Teeth. I Count Them.

What A Childhood I Had. My Parents Sent Me To A Child Psychiatrist. The Kid Didn't Help Me At All.

Last Time I Tried To Make Love To My Wife Nothing Happened, So I Said To Her, 'what's The Matter, You Can't Think Of Anybody Either?'

My Golf Game Is Getting Real Good. Last Week, I Got Through The Windmill.

My Wife's So Dumb, She Got A Nail In The Spare!!

I Drink Too Much, Way Too Much; My Doctor Drew Blood He Ran A Tab!

I Come Home From Work Early One Day, And I See A Guy Jogging Down The Street In His Underwear. I Ask Him, "why Are You Jogging In Your Underwear?" He Says, "you Came Home From Work Early".

With My Wife I Don't Get No Respect. I Made A Toast On Her Birthday To 'the Best Woman A Man Ever Had.' The Waiter Joined Me.

When I Was Forty, I Was Getting Divorced, Living In A Low-class, Dirty Hotel In New York. My Mother Was Dying Of Cancer. I Owed $20,000. That Was About The Lowest. I Came Back To Show Business, And I Couldn't Get A Job. I Was Turned Down By Every Small-time Agent In New York.

With My Wife I Get No Respect. I Fell Asleep With A Cigarette In My Hand. She Lit It.

I Bought A New Japanese Car, I Turned On The Radio ... I Don't Understand A Word They're Saying.

My Childhood Was Bad. No Father. Mother Was Greedy And Brought Me Up Awful - Never Made Me Breakfast Once. I Don't Want To Get Started. One Story Is Worse Than Another.

My Mom Took Me To A Dog Show And I Won!!

She Failed Her Drivers Test. She Couldn't Get Used To The Front Seat. It Took Her Four Lessons To Learn To Sit Up.

I Tell Ya, My Wife Was Never Nice. On Our First Date, I Asked Her If I Could Give Her A Goodnight Kiss On The Cheek - She Bent Over!

Yeah, I Know I'm Ugly... I Said To A Bartender, 'make Me A Zombie.' He Said 'god Beat Me To It.'

Boy Is My Wife Stupid. It Takes Her And Hour And A Half To Watch 60 Minutes. My Daughters No Bargain Either. In Public School She Was Voted Most Likely To Conceive.

With Me, Nothing Goes Right. My Psychiatrist Said My Wife And I Should Have Sex Every Night. Now, We'll Never See Each Other!

I Have Nothing But Troubles With My Car. Every Sunday I Take My Family Out For A Push.

I Tell Ya, Gambling Never Agreed With Me. Last Week I Went To The Track And They Shot My Horse With The Opening Gun.

If It Wasn't For Pick-pockets I'd Have No Sex Life At All.

I'm Taking Viagra And Drinking Prune Juice. I Don't Know If I'm Coming Or Going.

At My Age I'm Envious Of A Stiff Wind.

I Don't Get No Respect, No Respect At All!

I Knew A Girl So Ugly That She Was Known As A Two-bagger. That's When You Put A Bag Over Your Head In Case The Bag Over Her Head Breaks.

I Asked My Wife, 'on A Scale Of 1 To 10, How Do You Rate Me As A Lover?' She Said, 'you Know I'm No Good At Fractions.'

She Was So Ugly That Her Face Could Stop A Sundial.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. When I Went On The Roller Coaster, My Old Man Told Me To Stand Up Straight.

There's Only One Thing Wrong With My Wife's Face - It Shows.

Comedy Is A Camouflage For Depression.

If You Can't Write Your Own Material, You Have Very Little Chance Of Making It As A Comedian.

I Once Dated A Girl That Was Wild. She Was So Wild That One Night She Gave Her Phone Number To The Mechanical Bull.

My Problem Is That I Appeal To Everyone That Can Do Me Absolutely No Good.

When I Was 3 Years Old, My Parents Got A Dog. I Was Jealous Of The Dog, So They Got Rid Of Me.

For Christmas One Year I Bought My Son A Bb Gun. He Bought Me A T-shirt With A Bulls Eye On The Back.

Last Week I Told My Psychiatrist, 'i Keep Thinking About Suicide', And He Told Me From Now I Have To Pay In Advance.

I Told My Doctor I Think My Wife Has Vd. He Gave Himself A Shot Of Penicillin.

With My Doctor, I Don't Get No Respect. I Told Him I Want A Vasectomy. He Said With A Face Like Mine, I Don't Need One.

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. I Had No Friends. I Remember The See-saw. I Had To Keep Runnin' From One End To The Other.

I Drink Too Much. The Last Time I Gave A Urine Sample It Had An Olive In It.

One Year They Asked Me To Be Poster Boy - For Birth Control.

When I Was A Kid, I Never Went To Disneyland. My Ol' Man Told Me Mickey Mouse Died In A Cancer Experiment.

I'm A Downer. I've Been Depressed My Whole Life. Figure It Out.

Last Week I Was Walking By A Cemetery, Two Guys Came After Me With Shovels. It Was All About Money.

I Was An Ugly Kid; When I Was Born, After The Doctor Cut The Cord, He Hung Himself.

When I Played In The Sandbox, The Cat Kept Covering Me Up.

My Wife Was Afraid Of The Dark. Then She Saw Me Naked, And Now She's Afraid Of The Light.

Never Tell Your Wife She's Bad In Bed. She'll Go Out And Get A Second Opinion.

Oh, When I Was A Kid In Show Business I Was Poor. I Used To Go To Orgies To Eat The Grapes.

One Night I Asked A Cabbie To Take Me Where The Action Is, He Took Me To My House.

I Told My Wife 'hey Honey Come On, Let's Make Love Like The Old Days.' She Asked Me For 50 Bucks.

People Seldom Live Up To Their Baby Pictures.

On Halloween, The Parents Sent Their Kids Out Looking Like Me.

Acting Deals With Very Delicate Emotions. It Is Not Putting Up A Mask. Each Time An Actor Acts He Does Not Hide; He Exposes Himself.

A Girl Phoned Me The Other Day And Said... 'come On Over, There's Nobody Home.' I Went Over. Nobody Was Home.

When We Got Married My Wife Told Me I Was One In A Million. I Found Out She Was Right.

A Man In The Crowd Asks: Hey Rodney, How'd You Get Started? Rodney: I Was 12 Years Old, Alone In My Room, And I Got Started!

I Remember The Time I Was Kidnapped And They Sent A Piece Of My Finger To My Father. He Said He Wanted More Proof.

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