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Writing And Producing The Show Is An Intellectual Process. Performing The Show Is Far More Athletic And Intuitive, Because You Don't Get To Do It Twice. It Helps If You've Done Whatever The Old Saw Is, 10,000 Hours Of It. Because I've Done 10,000 Hours Of Comedy, I Have This Database In My Mind Of What Works And What Doesn't Work.

-Stephen Colbert

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Writing And Producing The

Stephen Colbert

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Writing And Producing The Show Is An Intellectual Process. Performing The Show Is Far More Athletic And Intuitive, Because You Don't Get To Do It Twice. It Helps If You've Done Whatever The Old Saw Is, 10,000 Hours Of It. Because I've Done 10,000 Hours Of Comedy, I Have This Database In My Mind Of What Works And What Doesn't Work.

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I Believe In Pulling Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps. I Believe It Is Possible — I Saw This Guy Do It Once In Cirque Du Soleil. It Was Magical.

Everything In Nature Has Found A Niche, A Perfect Harmony Of Balance. Man Need To Find His Niche, His Perfect Balance, Where He Fits In The Natural Cycle

People Would Say, "oh, You Say You Just Do Jokes." I Don't Just Do Jokes. I Do Jokes. Jokes Are Important. They Saved My Life When I Was Younger. Hopefully We're Making Things Nicer At The End Of The Day For People. That's The Entire Goal, And That's The Touchstone And The North Star For The Tone.

A Mother Needs To Be In The Home Even When The Kids Aren’t. A Messy House Sends A Coded Message To Children: “i’m Not Loveable. Otherwise Mother Would Dust.

There Hasn't Been A Scandal This Big At The C.i.a. Since (classified) Committed (censored) To (redacted).

I Have Always Been A Fan Of Reality By Majority Vote.

I Don't Like The New President Who Hunts Muslim Extremists, I Like The Old President Who Is A Muslim Extremist.

Muslim Extremists

I Love Being Onstage. I Love The Relationship With The Audience. I Love The Letting Go, The Sense Of Discovery, The Improvising.

If We Don't Cut Expensive Things Like Head Start, Child Nutrition Programs, And Teachers, What Sort Of Future Are We Leaving For Our Children?

In America, We Know To Ignore Artists If They're Serious In Any Way.

Brb, Ttyl Ok? Wow, I Saved A 'ton' Of Time With Those Acronyms.

It's Clear That When We're This Outnumbered By The Creatures, We Have To Take A Page From The British Empire And Rule The Lesser Species Through Intimidation. That's Why The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do As A Human Is To Dominate An Animal. Need More Proof?rule Over The Fish Of The Sea And The Birds Of The Air And Over Every Living Creature That Moves On The Ground. I'd Say That About Covers It.

I'm Getting Angry At Liberals.

It's August, Which Means Congress Is On Recess And Mitch Mcconnell Has Shimmied Back Into The Ocean To Seek A Mate.

What Are The Origins Of Dressage? Did Just, One Day, Some Young Horse Say To His Dad, 'dad, I Don't Want To Charge Into Battle...i Just Wanna Dance'?

When Meeting Royalty, It Is Very Important, No Matter How Excited You Are, Not To Vomit On Them. Instead, Vomit On The Nearest Commoner.

Nothing Is More Vintage Than Dying Of Rubella.

We [comics] Create Our Own Reality On The Show. I'm In A Cocoon Of The Character's Creation. Even Within That Reality, He's In A Cocoon. While I'm An Improviser And Enjoy Discovery, The Show Follows A Script. I Have A Pretty Good Idea What's Going To Happen. It's A Very crafted, Controlled Environment.

Obama Avoided The Vietnam Draft With A Letter From His Family Doctor Diagnosing Him As Medically Eight.

(on Fox News).... It's Like Watching A Disney Movie About The News.

It Would Be A Very Short Pint. It Would Be Gummy Bears And Matzah, And Be Called Chewy Jewy.

Pain Is The Body's Way Of Telling The Brain It's In Trouble. Similarly, Confusion Is The Brain's Way Of Telling The Body, 'all Right, Buddy, Drop That Book.

It's Hard To Swallow Your Pride. That's Why I Slather Mine In Mayonnaise.

I Believe That People, More Often Than Not, Act With The Best Possible Intentions. And When They Don't, That's Funny To Me. That's Why Comedy Ends Up Seeming Cynical, Because You're Talking About The Gap Between What People Say And What They Do.

Global Warming Isn't Real Because I Was Cold Today! Also Great News: World Hunger Is Over Because I Just Ate.

If You're Doing Nothing Wrong, You Have Nothing To Hide From The Giant Surveillance Apparatus The Government's Been Hiding.

There Must Be A God, Because I Don't Know How Things Work.

I'm More American Than Apple Pie. I'm Like Apple Pie, With A Hot Dog In It.

So, If I'm No Cheerleader Of Sports, Why Write A Chapter About It? Sports Do Have Some Positive Impact On Society. They Solve Problems, Such As How To Get Inner-city Kids To Spend $175 On Shoes. They Serve As A Backdrop For Some Of Our Most Memorable Commercials. And They Remain The One And Only Relevant Application Of Math. Not Only That, But We Have Sports To Thank For Most Of The Last Century's Advances In Manliness. The System Starts In School, Where Gym Class Separates The Men From The Boys. Then Those Men Are Taught To Be Winners, Or At Least, Losers That Hate Themselves.

There's An Old Saying About Those Who Forget History. I Don't Remember It, But It's Good.

I Cannot Stand People Who Disagree With Me On The Issue Of Roe V. Wade... Which I Believe Is About The Proper Way To Cross A Lake.

After Nearly 15 Minutes Of Soul Searching, I Have Heard The Call. Nation, I Will Seek The Office Of The President Of The United States. I Am Doing It!

I Wrote Things For The School's Newspaper, And - Like All Teenagers - I Dabbled In Poetry.

The Only Thing That Keeps Us Going Back To One Another Is That We're All Filled With Such Enormous Self-doubt. We Have Doubts About Our Ability To Be Alone, To Self-actualize.

Speak From The Balls, Not From The Diaphram.

They Think I'm Silly. I Do Silly Things. I Fall Down And Run Into Things. I Talk To Inanimate Objects. I'll Hold A Pickup Stick To My Ear And Say, "what? What's That? I Can't Hear You

Now We All Know That Fidel Castro Dressed Up Like Marilyn Monroe And Gave Jfk A Case Of Syphilis So Bad It Eventually Blew Out The Back Of His Head.

Cynicism Masquerades As Wisdom, But It Is The Farthest Thing From It. Because Cynics Don’t Learn Anything. Because Cynicism Is A Self-imposed Blindness, A Rejection Of The World Because We Are Afraid It Will Hurt Us Or Disappoint Us.

Cameras Are Dangerous. With No Waiting Period Or Background Check, Any Whack-job Could Just Stroll Into A Wal-mart And Walk Out With A Semi-automatic. Now, For Years I've Been Pressing For Stricter Regulations On Cameras, Especially Around Our Elected Officials. Too Many Political Lives Have Been Cut Short By Some Crazed Shooter.

There Is A Residual Sense For Me, Having Grown Up In The Early '70s, That I Did Not Know I Had, Which Was A Sense That The Military Are Different Than I. Because There Was Such A Divide Between The Military World - And There Still Is, Because There's No Draft - And The Civilian World Is One Of The Rotten Harvests Of The Vietnam War, Was This Sort Of Bifurcation Of America In That Way.

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Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk. By This Time Tomorrow, It'll Be Free Yogurt.

I Am No Fan Of Books. And Chances Are, If You're Reading This, You And I Share A Healthy Skepticism About The Printed Word. Well, I Want You To Know That This Is The First Book I've Ever Written, And I Hope It's The First Book You've Ever Read. Don't Make A Habit Of It.

Tomorrow You're All Going To Wake Up In A Brave New World, A World Where The Constitution Gets Trampled By An Army Of Terrorist Clones Created In A Stem-cell Research Lab Run By Homosexual Doctors Who Sterilize Their Instruments Over Burning American Flags. Where Tax And Spend Democrats Take All Your Hard-earned Money And Use It To Buy Electric Cars For National Public Radio And Teach Evolution To Illegal Immigrants. Oh... And Everybody's High!

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There's Nothing Wrong With Being Gay. I Have Plenty Of Friends Who Are Going To Hell.

Pissing Off Peta Is As Easy As Pie. Delicious Kitten Pie.

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Equations Are The Devil's Sentences.

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I Used To Make Up Stuff In My Bio All The Time, That I Used To Be A Professional Ice-skater And Stuff Like That. I Found It So Inspirational. Why Not Make Myself Cooler Than I Am?

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The End Of The Day

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I Have No Interest In Behaving Or Thinking Cynically. But It's An Easy Trap To Be Cynical About Anything, Certainly When You're Talking About Politics Or The Media.

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As Shakespeare Said, There's Nothin' Cooler Than Droppin' The 'g's Off Of Gerunds!

In Order To Be A Top-tier Candidate, I Need 7.5 Million Dollars, And I Currently Have 0.0 Million Dollars.

Once I'm Performing The Show, I Think That Hour Show Has A Certain Intimacy With Our Audience. And That Intimacy Is Through The Lens And The Live Audience Is A Witness To That, Whereas The Audience At Home Is Actually The Object Of My Efforts.

Hatemongers Like Media Matters Take Innocent Statements Like Mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, And Bill O'reilly's And Make Them Offensive By Posting Them On The Internet, Allowing The General Public To Hear Words That Were Meant For People Who Already Agree With Us. Hey, Media Matters, You Want To End Offensive Speech? Then Stop Recording It For People Who Would Be Offended.

I'm Obviously Younger, Much Better Looking [then Jeorge W.bush].he Didn't Veto Things, He Didn't Bring Order And Fiscal Restraint.

I Believe That The Government That Governs Best Is A Government That Governs Least, And By These Standards We Have Set Up A Fabulous Government In Iraq.

I Hope People'll Find Out Pretty Quickly That The Guy They Saw For 10 Years Was My Sense Of Humor The Whole Time.

You Have To Have A Passionate Opinion; Otherwise You Sound False. You End Up Telling The Audience Jokes They've Already Heard.

Vodka Eyeballing Sounds Great, But It's A Slippery Slope. Next, You'll Be Scotch Nostriling, Tequila Nippling And, Before You Know It, Jager Tainting.

Opinions Are Like Demo Tapes. I Don't Want To Hear Yours

In Order To Maintain An Untenable Position, You Have To Be Actively Ignorant. One Motto On The Show Is, 'keep Your Facts, I'm Going With The Truth.'

I Don't Know A Lot About Politics. I Like Talking About Human Behavior. Politicians Are Funny To Me Because They Often Say One Thing And Behave A Different Way.

If I'm Doing A Talk Show Or An Interview, Or Pretty Much Anything Where I Can't Control The Context, I'm Loath To Do The Character.

Can Accidentally Eating Halal Food Make You Muslim? Yes, The Same Way Drinking A Cosmo Can Make You Gay.

Now, I Don't See Color. People Tell Me I'm White And I Believe Them Because Police Officers Call Me 'sir'.

If Women Are Breadwinners And Men Bring Home The Bacon, Why Do People Complain About Having No Dough? I'm Confused. Also Hungry.

Texas Governor Rick Perry Has Been In The Race Only Three Days, And He's Already Blowing Away The Competition Like It Is A Trespassing Coyote.

Sir, Pay No Attention To The People Who Say The Glass Is Half Empty, Because 32% Means It's 2/3 Empty. There's Still Some Liquid In That Glass Is My Point, But I Wouldn't Drink It. The Last Third Is Usually Backwash. (said To President Bush At The White House Correspondents Dinner)

Republicans: The Party That Brought Us 'just Say No.' First As A Drug Policy, Then As Their Entire Platform.

It's Official. Highway Patrolmen Are Not Susceptible To The Jedi Mind Trick.

Made No Mistake: America Is A Christian Nation. The Bedrock Of Our Theo-democracy Is Our Judeo-christian Values. That Term, By The Way, Is A Bit Of A Misnomer. It Implies That Christianity And Judaism Are Equal.

And Of Course I Don't Go Anywhere Without My Pet Goldfish, Anthrax. I Always Tell Security I'm Carrying Anthrax. Yeah, Sure I Get A Lot Of Guff About It, But It's A Family Name; I'm Not Changing It.

As We All Know, Reality Has A Liberal Bias.

Trump Will Not Respond To Reasoned Argument. He Will Not Be Held Accountable For The Things He Said. All You Can Do Is Point And Laugh. Because The Devil Cannot Abide Mockery.

I Gut Check My Show. I Say, I Say, "gut, Gut, Does That Feel True To You?" And Gut Says, "yes It Does, Stephen. Let's Get A Grilled Cheese Sandwich."

Cheese Sandwiches

To Quote From Another Gospel, Dune By Frank Herbert, 'fear Is The Mind-killer.' ... Jesus Was The Original Muad'dib.

I May Be Just An Empty Flesh Terminal Reliant On Technology For All My Ideas, Memories And Relationships, But I Am Confident That All Of That Everything That Makes Me A Unique Human Being Is Still Out There Somewhere, Safe In A Theoretical Storage Space Owned By Giant, Multinational Corporations.

There Was Sort Of A Negative Association With The Military. Maybe Growing Up In The South Or Being In A Family With Members Of The Military, I Didn't Have That Negative Connotation, But I Did Have This 'separate' Connotation. I Was Ashamed To Realize I Had It And Did Not Realize I Had It Until I Was [in Iraq]. I Was So Impressed By The People I Met Over There And There Was Just A Sense Of Connection And Gratitude Towards Those People.

The Entire Future Of Marriage Rests With Justice Anthony Kennedy, The Man Who Declared In Citizens United That Corporations Are People With Constitutional Rights. I Just Hope He Doesn't Do Anything Rash, Like Declare That Homosexuals Are People With Constitutional Rights.

I Can Really Find Something Interesting About Almost Anyone I Talk To.

Something Interesting

Cynicism Is An Enormous Problem. I'm Actually A Hopeful Person. But The Way To Stay Hopeful Is To Acknowledge And To Not Accept What Is Absolutely Amoral, Mentally Ill Behavior As Normal.

I Believe Sarah Palin Is A True Statesman, Whose Experience As A Failed Vice Presidential Candidate, Half-term Governor And Eight-episode Reality Star Has Fully Prepared Her To Take Control Of Our Nuclear Arsenal.

If Our Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Care About The Rest Of The World, They Wouldn't Have Declared Their Independence From It.

I'm Not A Truthiness Fanatic, I'm Truthiness's Father.

The Interesting Thing About Grief, I Think, Is That It Is Its Own Size. It Is Not The Size Of You. It Is Its Own Size. And Grief Comes To You.

The Goal Is To Have Fun With My Friends.and That Means Sometimes Talking About Things That You Care About.

You Can Make An Omelette Without Breaking Eggs. It's Just A Really Bad Omelette.

I Am Down With The Latest Trends. And Everyone Knows, The Thing On The Streets Is Vampires. So I Have Been Biting People On The Neck.

Protect Yourself From Muslim Vampires By Making Your Neck Non-halal.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, Kids. It's Only The Dogs Who've Accepted Christ.

I Know That The Pope's Infallible, But That Doesn't Mean He Can't Make Mistakes.

If This Is Going To Be A Christian Nation That Doesn't Help The Poor, Either We Have To Pretend That Jesus Was Just As Selfish As We Are, Or We've Got To Acknowledge That He Commanded Us To Love The Poor And Serve The Needy Without Condition And Then Admit That We Just Don't Want To Do It.

Christianity Is The Best Way To Cure Gayness — Just Get On Your Knees, Take A Swig Of Wine, And Accept The Body Of A Man Into Your Mouth.

The Beauty Of New Media Is That No Evidence Is Necessary. The Brave Blog-troopers Have Stormed The Cockpit Of News, And Wrestled The Joystick Of Authority Away From The Seasoned Pilots Of The Press Who Would Land Our Country At The Facts International Airport.

My Guest Newt Gingrich Shut Down The Government During The Clinton Administration. I'll Ask Him When It's Gonna Start Working Again.

Senator Kerry Does Not Support Our Troops. If He Had Won The Election, There Wouldn't Be Any Troops Left In Iraq. President Bush, On The Other Hand, Has Given Our Troops An Opportunity To Fight Without End. That's Creating Jobs. In Fact, The President's Policies Helped Create 104 More Job Openings Last Month. Now Who's Stupid, Senator?

So If Animals Aren't Our Friends, Then What Are They? The Answer Can Be Summed Up Between Two Buns.

There Once Was A Man Name Barack, Whose Re-election Came As A Shock. He Raised The Taxes I Pay, And Then Turned Marriage Gay. And Now He's Coming After Your Glock.

Nasa Scientists Have Discovered A New Form Of Life, Unfortunately, It Won't Date Them Either.

They Said You Can't Go To The Moon. They Said You Can't Put Cheese Inside A Pizza Crust, But Nasa Did It. They Had To, Because The Cheese Kept Floating Off In Space.

If We Raise Taxes On Corporations, What Incentive Will They Have To Make Money Other Than The Fact That It's The Sole Reason They Exist.

Now, For My Younger Viewers Out There, A Book Is Something We Used To Have Before The Internet. It’s Sort Of A Blog For People With Attention Spans.

President Bush, Have A Hot Dog With Me.

Baby Carrots Are Making Me Gay.

It's Time For Me To Give Out An Award To Newly Elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner Was Elected Just A Few Days Ago To Reform House Republicans, Who Are Feeling The Heat From Lobbyist Scandals. Well, Cnn Found Out That He Rents His Two-bedroom Apartment From A Lobbyist Who Had Clients Who Had Interests In Legislation That Boehner Sponsored. And For That, Mr. Boehner, You've Just Won A Pair Of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls.

Life Is Chaotic And Unpredictable. If A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings In One Part Of The World, It Could Cause People At The Opposite End Of The Globe To Watch A Discovery Channel Special On Butterflies

When I Read Books It's To Escape. It's So I Don't Have To Talk To People.

We Will Try To Honor David Letterman Achievement By Doing The Best Show We Can.and Occasionally Making The Network Very Mad At Us.

Thinking That Other People Might Be Better Than You Is What Makes You Canadian, Not American.

Truthiness Is What You Want The Facts To Be As Opposed To What The Facts Are. What Feels Like The Right Answer As Opposed To What Reality Will Support.

Yes, President Romney Will Not Take God Off Our Coins. And That Is So Important Because Right Now, Just Like God, The Value Of Our Currency Really Has To Be Taken On Faith.

If I Ever Succumbed To The Demon On My Shoulder Going, "you Should Get Something Special Because You're Famous," That Is The Moment That My Behavior Will Be Caught On Social Media For All Time. I'm Even Afraid To Use It To Get A Reservation. This Is The Person Who Will Tweet, "can You Believe What This A-hole Did?"

First, [in High School], I Smoked A Lot Of Pot...and That's How I Got To Know The People 'half In' The Society Of My High School And We Waved At Each Other Over The Bong. Then I Got To Know People By Making Jokes.

Donald Trump Is A Strong President. We Got To Stand Behind This Guy Is What I Think.

If It's Called The Usa Today, Why Is All The News From Yesterday?

Of The Over 100,000 Wildfires That Happen In The U.s. Each Year, Not A Single One Would Get Started Without The Fire Triangle: Oxygen, Heat And Fuel. Fire Needs All Three To Exist. It's Like The Three Branches Of Our Government: Legislative, Judicial And Executive. The Fewer There Are, The Safer We Are.

No One Has Any Idea What's Going To Happen. Not Even Elon Musk. That's Why He's Building Those Rockets. He Wants A 'plan B' On Another World.

Who Would Have Thought That A Means Of Communication Limited To 140 Characters Would Ever Create Misunderstanding?

I Have A Generally Liberal Audience, But They Will Applaud When I Nail A Liberal Lion.

You Gotta Learn To Love When You're Failing.... The Embracing Of That, The Discomfort Of Failing In Front Of An Audience, Leads You To Penetrate Through The Fear That Blinds You. Fear Is The Mind Killer.

I Used To Write Things For Friends. There Was This Girl I Had A Crush On, And She Had A Teacher She Didn't Like At School. I Had A Real Crush On Her, So Almost Every Day I Would Write Her A Little Short Story Where She Would Kill Him In A Different Way.

If Poor People Want Food Stamps, They Should Become Massive Corporations.

I'm Not A Fan Of The Facts. Facts Change; My Opinion Never Does.

The Fate Of Our Country Is Now In The Hands Of People Who Don't Think About What They Want Until They Get Right Up To The Register At Mcdonald's.

We Are Divided Between Those Who Think With Their Heads And Those Who Know With Their Heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If You Think About Harriet Miers, Of Course Her Nomination Is Absurd. But The President Didn't Say He Thought About His Selection. He Said This: "i Know Her Heart." Notice How He Said Nothing About Her Brain? He Didn't Have To. He Feels The Truth About Harriet Miers.

Some People Perceive Me As An Assassin Or At Least Someone Who Can Slip Under Your Guard With A Knife. But If You Watch What I Do, That's Almost Never The Case. I'm Just Trying To Keep The Balloon In The Air. It Rarely Turns Into Anything Combative.

Football Is American; Why Are The Romans Numering Our Bowls?!

Republicans Will Need To Work Hard To Capture The Latino Vote Instead Of Their Current Strategy Of Capturing Latinos.

When My Car Runs Out Of Gas, I Buy A New One. I Don't Want To Ride Around With A Quitter.

I'm Not Going To Name Any Names, But Let's Just Say, I Want To Do Jokes On Donald Trump So Badly, And I Have No Venue. So Right Now, I'm Just Dry Trumping.

God Works In Mysterious Ways But At Least He Works, He's Never On Welfare In A Mysterious Way.

Mysterious Ways

Status Is Always Ripe For Satire, Status Is Always Good For Comedy.

Will Herman Cain Become The First Black President That I Acknowledge? I Call Him A Dark Horse Because He's An Unlikely Candidate Who Surged Forward, And Not Because He's A Horse.

The Trouble With The Jokes Is That Once They're Written, I Know How They're Supposed To Work, And All I Can Do Is Not Hit Them. I'm More Comfortable Improvising. If I Have Just Two Or Three Ideas And I Know How The Character Feels, What The Character Wants, Everything In Between Is Like Trapeze Work.

A Press That Has Validity Is A Press That Has Authority. And As Soon As There's Any Authority To What The Press Says, You Question The Authority Of The Government - It's Like The Existence Of Another Authority.

I Must Confess That I've Never Trusted The Web. I've Always Seen It As A Coward's Tool. Where Does It Live? How Do You Hold It Personally Responsible? Can You Put A Distributed Network Of Fiber-optic Cable "on Notice"? And Is It Male Or Female? In Other Words, Can I Challenge It To A Fight?

And Though I Am A Committed Christian, I Believe Everyone Has The Right To Their Own Religion - Be You Hindu, Jewish, Or Muslim, I Believe There Are Infinite Paths To Accepting Jesus Christ As Your Personal Savior.

If I Had Free Time To Go To Los Angeles To Shoot A Movie, I Would Rather Spend It With My Kids.

Sixty Eight Percent Of Republicans Don't Believe In Evolution. On The Other Hand, Only Five Percent Of Monkeys Believe In Republicans.

Any Religion Whose Messiah’s Name Isn’t Recognized By Microsoft Word Can’t Be That Much Of A Threat.

If I Had One Wish, It Would Be For Self-drying Pants. Wait -- No! Unlimited Wishes! How Do I Return These Stupid Pants?!

I Gotta Tell You, I Do Not Envy Whoever They Try To Put In David Letterman's Chair. Folks Those Are Some Huge Shoes To Fill, And Some Really Big Pants.

In God's Eyes All Children Are Beautiful But Here On Earth We Have Higher Standards.

Thankfully Dreams Can Change. If We'd All Stuck With Our First Dream, The World Would Be Overrun With Cowboys And Princesses. So Whatever Your Dream Is Right Now, If You Don't Achieve It, You Haven't Failed And You're Not Some Loser-but Just As Importantly-if You Do Get Your Dream, You're Not A Winner.

Writing And Producing The Show Is An Intellectual Process. Performing The Show Is Far More Athletic And Intuitive, Because You Don't Get To Do It Twice. It Helps If You've Done Whatever The Old Saw Is, 10,000 Hours Of It. Because I've Done 10,000 Hours Of Comedy, I Have This Database In My Mind Of What Works And What Doesn't Work.

I Don't Get Why The Government Is The Only One That Gets To Print Money.

With Late Night Show I Can Begin The Search For The Real Stephen Colbert.i Just Hope I Don't Find Him On Ashley Madison.

An Apple A Day Keeps Anyone Away, If You Throw It Hard Enough.

I Don't Accept The Status Quo. I Do Accept Visa, Mastercard, Or American Express.

Twenty-two Astronauts Were Born In Ohio. What Is It About Your State That Makes People Want To Flee The Earth?" - Stephen Colbert To Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "the Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

There's Nothing American Tourists Like More Than The Things They Can Get At Home.

Yesterday In A 25 To 24 Vote, Republicans Welcomed Back Lott Back Into Their Leadership And Named Him Minority Whip. That Is Great For Trent. They Say Minority Whip Is A Stepping Stone To Grand Wizard.

If A Poor Family Falls On Hard Times In The Woods, And No One Is Around To Care, Did It Really Happen?

John Boehner Will Be The New Speaker Unless, Out Of Habit, He Blocks His Own Confirmation.

I Suppose Fear Is Like A Drug. A Little Bit Isn't That Bad, But You Can Get Addicted To The Consumption And Distribution Of It.

In The Beginning, God Created The Heaven And The Earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, But It’s Not “in The Beginning, A Monkey Evolutioned Gay Marriage.

Never Throw Caution To The Wind. It Could Whip Back Into Your Eyes And Blind You.

I'm Proud Of My Ability To Understand What Somebody Else Is Trying To Do And Help Them Achieve It, Because Part Of The Aesthetic Of Improvisation Is Service. You Never Say No. Serve The Servant, Follow The Follower. And That's Very Valuable In Your Life, As Well As Very Valuable In Your Actor's Work. I'm Damn Proud Of My Ability To Help Other People Achieve Their Ideas.

It's Back To School Time. Or As Home-schoolers Call It, Stay-where-you-are Time.

Northwestern's Alumni List Is Truly Impressive. This University Has Graduated Best-selling Authors, Olympians, Presidential Candidates, Grammy Winners, Peabody Winners, Emmy Winners, And That's Just Me!

I Believed In Global Warming After Al Gore's Movie Made Money; The Market Had Spoken.

Women Don't Want All That. Women Just Want A Partner Who Is Considerate And Attentive, Who Will Spoon With Them While Reciting Keats, And Feed Them Organic Yogurt By Candlelight On A Seaside Cliff At Sunset.

Al Gore Has A Hit Movie Called 'an Inconvenient Truth.' I Have An Inconvenient Truth For Him: You're Still Not The President. ... This Past Weekend, Al Gore's Movie, 'an Inconvenient Truth,' Earned More Per Screen Than Any Film In The Country. ... I Dare Say Gore's Movie Is The Highest Grossing Powerpoint Presentation In History. ... Global Warming: Can We Live With It? ... It Is Time We Did Something, Namely Resign Ourselves To Doing Nothing [on Screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For Instance, When Sea Levels Rise, We'll Just Build Levees [on Screen: Worked For New Orleans]

Remember, You Cannot Be Both Young And Wise. Young People Who Pretend To Be Wise To The Ways Of The World Are Mostly Just Cynics.

The Shamrock Is A Religious Symbol. St. Patrick Said The Leaves Represented The Trinity: The Father, The Son And The Holy Spirit. That's Why Four Leaf Clovers Are So Lucky, You Get A Bonus Jesus.

Anyone Can Read The News To You. I Promise To Feel The News At You.

The Liberal Gluten-free Agenda Is Turning Our Dogs Lesbian.

I'll Make Fun Of Anybody. We're All About Falling Down And Going Boom On Camera.

I Welcome Opposing Viewpoints, But I Should Warn You That You'll Be Facing Off Against The 2nd-place Finisher At The 1981 Charleston County High-school Debate Tournament. And Whatever Became Of That County Champ Who Argued In Favor Of Tractor Safety Modifications? Last Time I Checked, She Didn't Have Her Own Show.

You Have A Firm Grasp Of The Obvious.

Can't Wait For Tomorrow When I Get To Exercise My Patriotic Duty As An American: Complaining About How Long It's Taking To Vote.

I Don't Want Someone Shoving His Views Down My Throat, Unless They're Covered In A Crunchy Candy Shell.

Turn Up Your Hearing Aid 'grandpa', Because I'm Only Going To Say This Once!

You Have To Do Your First Penance Before Your First Holy Communion. You're Really Young. What Do You Know? You've Got Nothing To Confess. All I Knew Was That I Was An Evil Human Whose Sins Caused The Death Of Our Lord.

Washington Is Dangerously Positioned Between Two Canadas, Canada Canada And California's Canada, Oregon.

Not Living In Fear Is A Great Gift, Because Certainly These Days We Do It So Much. And Do You Know What I Like About Comedy? You Can't Laugh And Be Afraid At The Same Time - Of Anything. If You're Laughing, I Defy You To Be Afraid.

Sorry To Disappoint The Liberals Who Tuned In Tonight To Gloat About Obama's Lead In Every Poll, But I Am Not Worried. Mccain May Be Behind, But The Man Is A Fighter. He Doesn't Know The Meaning Of The Word 'quit.' He Used To, But It Was Stored In The Same Part Of His Brain That Remembered To Vet His Running Mate.

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword, If You Shoot That Pen Out Of A Gun

I Used To Play A Narcissistic-conservative Pundit. Now, I'm Just A Narcissist.

We Have No Desire To Make Anybody Look Like A Blithering Idiot, But We Do Love It When They Do.

I Live By Syllogisms: God Is Love. Love Is Blind. Stevie Wonder Is Blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder Is God. I Don't Know What I'd Believe In If It Wasn't For That.

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