Background Image

...

Evil Exists Because Of The Disobedience Of Satan. God Gave Satan, And The Angels, And Man Free Will. Satan Used His Free Will And Abused It By Not Obeying Authority. Hell Was Created By Satan’s Disobedience To God, And His Purposeful Removal From God’s Love—which Is What Hell Is. Removing Yourself From God’s Love. You Send Yourself To Hell. God Does Not Send You There.

-Stephen Colbert

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Evil Exists Because Of

Stephen Colbert

...

Evil Exists Because Of The Disobedience Of Satan. God Gave Satan, And The Angels, And Man Free Will. Satan Used His Free Will And Abused It By Not Obeying Authority. Hell Was Created By Satan’s Disobedience To God, And His Purposeful Removal From God’s Love—which Is What Hell Is. Removing Yourself From God’s Love. You Send Yourself To Hell. God Does Not Send You There.

Views: 8

Topic

More From Stephen Colbert

Yes, President Romney Will Not Take God Off Our Coins. And That Is So Important Because Right Now, Just Like God, The Value Of Our Currency Really Has To Be Taken On Faith.

Marijuana Is A Gateway Drug That Can Lead To Awful Things, Like Phish Getting Back Together.

Getting Back Together

God Works In Mysterious Ways But At Least He Works, He's Never On Welfare In A Mysterious Way.

Mysterious Ways

You Have To Have A Passionate Opinion; Otherwise You Sound False. You End Up Telling The Audience Jokes They've Already Heard.

To Quote From Another Gospel, Dune By Frank Herbert, 'fear Is The Mind-killer.' ... Jesus Was The Original Muad'dib.

You Said In Your Book That At The End Of The Day, Every Politician Is Human. What About During The Day?

The End Of The Day

There's An Old Saying About Those Who Forget History. I Don't Remember It, But It's Good.

There Is No Food Closer To My Heart Than Cheese. In Fact, According To My Doctor, It Has Nearly Filled My Aorta.

Life Is Chaotic And Unpredictable. If A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings In One Part Of The World, It Could Cause People At The Opposite End Of The Globe To Watch A Discovery Channel Special On Butterflies

Apply Truth Liberally To The Inflamed Area.

Mitt Romney's Email Was Hacked! So If You Start Getting Messages That Sound Like They're From A Bot, He's Fixed The Problem.

Anyone Can Read The News To You. I Promise To Feel The News At You.

I Love The Earth. If You Ask Me It's The Greatest Planet In The World.

The Interesting Thing About Fake News And Fake Media Is That It's A Heresy Against Reality. Again, As A Catholic, I Was Taught That The Greatest Sin Was Heresy. Because Not Only Are You A Sinner, You Are Proselytizing And Inviting Other People Into Your Sinful State Through Your Heresy. You're A Recruiter For Your Own Fallen State. Donald Trump Is A Heretic Against Reality. Basically, He's Lying For Sport. He's Inviting People Into His Heresy That There Is No Objective Reality.

You Don't Look Up Truthiness In A Book, You Look It Up In Your Gut.

The Entire Future Of Marriage Rests With Justice Anthony Kennedy, The Man Who Declared In Citizens United That Corporations Are People With Constitutional Rights. I Just Hope He Doesn't Do Anything Rash, Like Declare That Homosexuals Are People With Constitutional Rights.

Northwestern's Alumni List Is Truly Impressive. This University Has Graduated Best-selling Authors, Olympians, Presidential Candidates, Grammy Winners, Peabody Winners, Emmy Winners, And That's Just Me!

What The Right-wing In The United States Tries To Do Is Undermine The Press.

I Don't Think Anybody Can With A Straight Face Say That The Russians Did Not Set Out To Influence Our Election, And They Did So.

You See, We're America The Beautiful, Not America 'well, At Least She Has A Great Personality'.

There Hasn't Been A Scandal This Big At The C.i.a. Since (classified) Committed (censored) To (redacted).

I Have Always Been A Fan Of Reality By Majority Vote.

Improvisation In General Is Good, And Improvising Material Into Themes, Turning The Material Into Something Codified And Repeatable, Taught Me Scenic Structure And Dramatic Gambits That Work And Things That Are Appealing Both As A Performer And An Audience Member, Like You Know, What Does "want" Really Mean In A Scene, And How Do You Achieve Your Want, And How Is That Expressed, And How Do You Achieve Closure? Those Are All Things That I Learned Performing At The Cabaret After Just Doing The Same Scenes Over And Over And Over Again Over The Years, With My Own Ability To Change.

Cardinal Dolan, Of Course, Has A Very, Very Hard Job: Trying To Hold Up Catholic Family Values In Sexually Liberal New York City. I'm Not Saying New York Is The Gay Mecca. But It's At Least Gay-rusalem.

Women Don't Want All That. Women Just Want A Partner Who Is Considerate And Attentive, Who Will Spoon With Them While Reciting Keats, And Feed Them Organic Yogurt By Candlelight On A Seaside Cliff At Sunset.

It's Much Better To Invite The Audience To Be Part Of Your Show Rather Than Saying, "i Command You To Do This." The Other Thing Is, You Have To Follow Through. If You Initiate A Game And They Take Part, You Can't Stop Until It Reaches A Mutually Satisfying Resolution.

And Of Course I Don't Go Anywhere Without My Pet Goldfish, Anthrax. I Always Tell Security I'm Carrying Anthrax. Yeah, Sure I Get A Lot Of Guff About It, But It's A Family Name; I'm Not Changing It.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk. By This Time Tomorrow, It'll Be Free Yogurt.

You Are About To Start The Greatest Improvisation Of All. With No Script. No Idea What's Going To Happen, Often With People And Places You Have Never Seen Before. And You Are Not In Control. So Say 'yes.' And If You're Lucky, You'll Find People Who Will Say 'yes' Back.

Citizens United Said That Transparency Would Be The Disinfectant, But (c)(4)'s Are Warm, Wet, Moist Incubators. There Is No Disinfectant.

Citizens United

I Am No Fan Of Books. And Chances Are, If You're Reading This, You And I Share A Healthy Skepticism About The Printed Word. Well, I Want You To Know That This Is The First Book I've Ever Written, And I Hope It's The First Book You've Ever Read. Don't Make A Habit Of It.

One Day,i Might Be Able To Tell My Grandkids I Interviewed The Last President Of The United States.

Twenty-two Astronauts Were Born In Ohio. What Is It About Your State That Makes People Want To Flee The Earth?" - Stephen Colbert To Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "the Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

Cynicism Masquerades As Wisdom, But It Is The Farthest Thing From It. Because Cynics Don’t Learn Anything. Because Cynicism Is A Self-imposed Blindness, A Rejection Of The World Because We Are Afraid It Will Hurt Us Or Disappoint Us.

It Is A Well Known Fact That Reality Has Liberal Bias.

Don't Be Bitter. Everybody Suffers. If You Can Accept Your Suffering Then You Will Understand Other People Better. Be Grateful For Pain. Love Life.

Obamacare Needs The Premiums Of Healthier People To Cover The Costs Of Sicker People. It's A Devious Con That Can Only Be Described As Insurance.

Atheism: The Religion Devoted To The Worship Of One's Own Smug Sense Of Superiority.

And Though I Am A Committed Christian, I Believe Everyone Has The Right To Their Own Religion - Be You Hindu, Jewish, Or Muslim, I Believe There Are Infinite Paths To Accepting Jesus Christ As Your Personal Savior.

Obama Avoided The Vietnam Draft With A Letter From His Family Doctor Diagnosing Him As Medically Eight.

I Don't Like The New President Who Hunts Muslim Extremists, I Like The Old President Who Is A Muslim Extremist.

Muslim Extremists

Hey, Single Malt Scotch, Youre Thirty Years Old. When Are You Going To Settle Down And Get Married To My Stomach?

I Used To Play A Narcissistic-conservative Pundit. Now, I'm Just A Narcissist.

(on Fox News).... It's Like Watching A Disney Movie About The News.

There Must Be A God, Because I Don't Know How Things Work.

If I'm Doing A Talk Show Or An Interview, Or Pretty Much Anything Where I Can't Control The Context, I'm Loath To Do The Character.

I Am Down With The Latest Trends. And Everyone Knows, The Thing On The Streets Is Vampires. So I Have Been Biting People On The Neck.

Sir, Pay No Attention To The People Who Say The Glass Is Half Empty, Because 32% Means It's 2/3 Empty. There's Still Some Liquid In That Glass Is My Point, But I Wouldn't Drink It. The Last Third Is Usually Backwash. (said To President Bush At The White House Correspondents Dinner)

A Father Has To Be A Provider, A Teacher, A Role Model, But Most Importantly, A Distant Authority Figure Who Can Never Be Pleased. Otherwise, How Will Children Ever Understand The Concept Of God?

Last Night Was Super Tuesday - A 10-state Gop Primary Orgy. A Big, Sweaty Pile Of Lever-yankin Republican Voters. And Like Most Orgies, It Involves A Bunch Of Middle Aged Guys Who Are Not Appealing To Women.

You Can't Swallow And Think About Your Tongue. If You Think About Your Tongue, You've Got A Giant Piece Of Meat In Your Mouth And That's A Terrible Feeling.

Who Would Have Thought That A Means Of Communication Limited To 140 Characters Would Ever Create Misunderstanding?

Throughout Human History, Countries Rise And Fall. But Not America-we Continue To Rise And Rise, Like Dough, Until Jesus Bakes Us In The Fiery Afterscape Of The Rapture.

I Must Confess That I've Never Trusted The Web. I've Always Seen It As A Coward's Tool. Where Does It Live? How Do You Hold It Personally Responsible? Can You Put A Distributed Network Of Fiber-optic Cable "on Notice"? And Is It Male Or Female? In Other Words, Can I Challenge It To A Fight?

And We Didn't Have Cell Phones. If You Made Plans To Meet Someone In A Snow Storm, And They Didn't Show Up, You Just Had To Assume They Were Devoured By Wolves And Go On With Your Life.

Today, Folks, Should Be All About Love. Unless You're Old.

Funny Valentines Day

But You Are Also The Biggest Threat Of All ...you Are A Gay Person I Like. Your Threat Is That You Make Being Gay Seem Non-threatening. It's Almost As If Your Happiness Does Not Take Mine Away.

Like All Great Theologies, Bill [o'reilly]'s Can Be Boiled Down To One Sentence: There Must Be A God, Because I Don't Know How Things Work.

I Believe Sarah Palin Is A True Statesman, Whose Experience As A Failed Vice Presidential Candidate, Half-term Governor And Eight-episode Reality Star Has Fully Prepared Her To Take Control Of Our Nuclear Arsenal.

I Imagined Myself Living In New York In Some Sort Of Open, Large But Sparse Studio Apartment With A Lot Of Blond Wood And A Futon On The Floor And A Bubbling Samovar Of Tea In The Background And A Big Beard - Living Alone But With My Beard - And Doing Theater. That's What I Thought My Life Would Be.

...why Were You Happier When You Were A Kid? Because You Didn't Know Anything. The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor.

Am I Proud Of Being Straight? No. You Know Why? Because If I Start Acting Proud, That's Going To Make Me Seem Kind Of Gay.

Thankfully, Dreams Can Change. If We'd All Stuck With Our First Dream, The World Would Be Overrun With Cowboys And Princesses.

It's The Way Our Founding Fathers Would Have Wanted It, If They Had Founded Corporations Instead Of Just A Country.

I'm A Junkie For Exhaustion, And I'm A Junkie For Setting Up My Expectations Too High And Then Trying To Meet Them.

Some Say, 'those Who Ignore History Are Doomed To Repeat It.' I Say, 'those Who Ignore History Are In For A Big Surprise.'

Take Away The Big Bang And What Has God Done? Burned A Bush And Got A Girl Pregnant. Great, He's A High School Junior.

This Is A Crucial Time In The Fight For Corporate Civil Rights. Just Look At The Hateful Signs At Occupy Wallstreet: 'corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I Thought We Were Past The Point In This Country Where Some People Aren't People Just Because They Have Different Color Skin Or Different Religion Or Were Born In A Lawyer's Office, Only Exist On Paper, Have No Soul And Can Never Die.

If We Don't Cut Expensive Things Like Head Start, Child Nutrition Programs, And Teachers, What Sort Of Future Are We Leaving For Our Children?

Republicans Will Need To Work Hard To Capture The Latino Vote Instead Of Their Current Strategy Of Capturing Latinos.

You Don't Want To Just Do A Joke Because It Works - We Can Make A Lot Of Jokes Work - You Want To Do A Joke Because It Will Hopefully Build Into An Argument.

I Stand By This Man (president George W. Bush). I Stand By This Man Because He Stands For Things. Not Only For Things, He Stands On Things. Things Like Aircraft Carriers And Rubble And Recently Flooded City Squares. And That Sends A Strong Message, That No Matter What Happens To America, She Will Always Rebound.. With The Most Powerfully Staged Photo Ops In The World.

Opinions Are Like Demo Tapes. I Don't Want To Hear Yours

Sorry To Disappoint The Liberals Who Tuned In Tonight To Gloat About Obama's Lead In Every Poll, But I Am Not Worried. Mccain May Be Behind, But The Man Is A Fighter. He Doesn't Know The Meaning Of The Word 'quit.' He Used To, But It Was Stored In The Same Part Of His Brain That Remembered To Vet His Running Mate.

I'm Not A Fan Of The Facts. Facts Change; My Opinion Never Does.

I Believe In Pulling Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps. I Believe It Is Possible — I Saw This Guy Do It Once In Cirque Du Soleil. It Was Magical.

I Wrote Things For The School's Newspaper, And - Like All Teenagers - I Dabbled In Poetry.

History Moves Fast. It's Hard To Believe That Gay Americans Achieved Full Constitutional Personhood Just Five Years After Corporations Did!

And My Daughter Said, 'why Are You Yelling At Us?' And I Said, 'i'm Trying To Discipline You!' And Then She Looked Up At Me With Her Tear-stained Eyes And Said, 'this Is How You Teach Children, By Making Them Cry.' And It Was Such A Clenching Reminder - She Won Not Only The Argument, But She Won Life With That Statement. I Just Burst Out Laughing, And I Think They Were So Surprised That I Burst Out Laughing, That They Did Too.

Class Is A Way Of Looking At Society That Divides People Into Different Categories Based On How Much Money They're Willing To Make.

Remember, You Cannot Be Both Young And Wise. Young People Who Pretend To Be Wise To The Ways Of The World Are Mostly Just Cynics. Cynicism Masquerades As Wisdom, But It Is The Farthest Thing From It. Because Cynics Don’t Learn Anything. Because Cynicism Is A Self-imposed Blindness, A Rejection Of The World Because We Are Afraid It Will Hurt Us Or Disappoint Us. Cynics Always Say No. But Saying “yes” Begins Things. Saying “yes” Is How Things Grow. Saying “yes” Leads To Knowledge. “yes” Is For Young People. So For As Long As You Have The Strength To, Say “yes'.

Of Course! Jeb Bush! America Is Hungry For Another Leader From That Talented Family!

North Korea Is Willing To Go To Any Lengths For The Whole World To Honor Its Demands Of 'ooh, Please Pay Attention To Us.'

Senator John Kyle Claiming That Over 90 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 Percent, That Is Unbelievable...in That It Is Not True. Only 3 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Kyle Just Rounded It Up To The Nearest 90.

Look, Peta! If God Hadn't Wanted Us To Eat Animals, He Wouldn't Have Made Them So Darn Tasty!

Let Freedom Ka-ching...corporations Do Everything People Do Except Breathe, Die And Go To Jail For Dumping 1.3 Million Pounds Of Pcbs In The Hudson River.

Shamelessness Is A Wonderful Part Of The Character.

In The Beginning, God Created The Heaven And The Earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, But It’s Not “in The Beginning, A Monkey Evolutioned Gay Marriage.

With Late Night Show I Can Begin The Search For The Real Stephen Colbert.i Just Hope I Don't Find Him On Ashley Madison.

Everybody Loves Dogs. They're The Pizza Of The Animal Kingdom.

Scientists Have Invented A New Strain Of Cannabis Without The High. They Celebrated With Non-alcoholic Beer And Furious Dry-humping.

When My Car Runs Out Of Gas, I Buy A New One. I Don't Want To Ride Around With A Quitter.

Remember, Jesus Would Rather Constantly Shame Gays Than Let Orphans Have A Family.

To Sit Here At The Same Table With My Hero, George W. Bush...i Feel Like I'm Dreaming. Somebody Pinch Me. You Now What, I'm A Pretty Sound Sleeper, That May Not Be Enough...somebody Shoot Me In The Face.

There's A Wonderfully Cooperative Relationship Between Management And Labor Right Now. Much Like The Historic Partnership Between Oranges And A Juicer.

If Obama Can Force You To Get Health Insurance Just By Calling It A Tax, Than There Is Nothing To Stop Him From Making You Gay Marry An Illegal Immigrant Wearing A Condom On A Hydroponic Pot Farm Powered By Solar Energy.

I Used To Make Up Stuff In My Bio All The Time, That I Used To Be A Professional Ice-skater And Stuff Like That. I Found It So Inspirational. Why Not Make Myself Cooler Than I Am?

The Interesting Thing About Grief, I Think, Is That It Is Its Own Size. It Is Not The Size Of You. It Is Its Own Size. And Grief Comes To You.

Forgot To Live-tweet The Election Last Night, So I'm Post-tweeting Today. I'll Start As Soon As My Fingers Unclench From Their Rage Fists.

You Have To Do Your First Penance Before Your First Holy Communion. You're Really Young. What Do You Know? You've Got Nothing To Confess. All I Knew Was That I Was An Evil Human Whose Sins Caused The Death Of Our Lord.

A Native American Group Has Filed A Class-action Lawsuit Against The Government For Mismanagement Of Oil, Gas, Grazing, Timber And Other Royalties Since 1887. They're Seeking $100 Billion. Here's The Good News: The Government Has Responded What I Believe Is An Appropriate Counteroffer: A Two-cent Navajo Stamp.

Native American

I Like Talking About People Who Don't Have Any Power And It Seems Like Some Of The Least Powerful People In The United States Are The Migrant Workers Who Come And Do Our Work And Don't Have Any Rights As A Result. And Yet We Still Invite Them To Come Here, And At The Same Time Ask Them To Leave.

If Our Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Care About The Rest Of The World, They Wouldn't Have Declared Their Independence From It.

If Poor People Want Food Stamps, They Should Become Massive Corporations.

Winning The Nobel Prize Does Not Automatically Qualify You To Be Commander In Chief. I Think George Bush Has Proved Definitively That To Be President, You Don't Need To Care About Science, Literature Or Peace.

It's Clear That When We're This Outnumbered By The Creatures, We Have To Take A Page From The British Empire And Rule The Lesser Species Through Intimidation. That's Why The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do As A Human Is To Dominate An Animal. Need More Proof?rule Over The Fish Of The Sea And The Birds Of The Air And Over Every Living Creature That Moves On The Ground. I'd Say That About Covers It.

If I Thought I Knew What Was Going To Happen, It Wouldn't Be Worth Doing. The Challenge Is How Joyfully, With What Sense Of Fun And Adventure And Playfulness, We Will Greet It. We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.

We Claim No Respectability. There's No Status I Would Not Surrender For A Joke. So We Don't Have To Defend Anything.

Speak From The Balls, Not From The Diaphram.

If You Repeat It, It's True. If You Repeat It, It's True. And Through Repetition, Something Becomes True. If You Repeat It Enough. Until It Becomes True. Or Do I Need To Repeat That For You?

The Only Thing That Keeps Us Going Back To One Another Is That We're All Filled With Such Enormous Self-doubt. We Have Doubts About Our Ability To Be Alone, To Self-actualize.

In The Beginning, A Monkey Evolutioned Gay Marriage.

If You Are A Hermaphrodite, It Is Physically Impossible To Be Gay.

The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.

Warmth Is To Sun, As Truth Is To Me.

Tomorrow You're All Going To Wake Up In A Brave New World, A World Where The Constitution Gets Trampled By An Army Of Terrorist Clones Created In A Stem-cell Research Lab Run By Homosexual Doctors Who Sterilize Their Instruments Over Burning American Flags. Where Tax And Spend Democrats Take All Your Hard-earned Money And Use It To Buy Electric Cars For National Public Radio And Teach Evolution To Illegal Immigrants. Oh... And Everybody's High!

Brave New World

What's The Worst That Can Happen? A Tidal Wave? Glaciers With Guns?

Asia: Four Little Letters, Three Billion Little People.

Every Night On My Show, The Colbert Report, I Speak Straight From The Gut, Okay? I Give People The Truth, Unfiltered By Rational Argument. I Call It "the No Fact Zone.

Can Accidentally Eating Halal Food Make You Muslim? Yes, The Same Way Drinking A Cosmo Can Make You Gay.

Al Gore Has A Hit Movie Called 'an Inconvenient Truth.' I Have An Inconvenient Truth For Him: You're Still Not The President. ... This Past Weekend, Al Gore's Movie, 'an Inconvenient Truth,' Earned More Per Screen Than Any Film In The Country. ... I Dare Say Gore's Movie Is The Highest Grossing Powerpoint Presentation In History. ... Global Warming: Can We Live With It? ... It Is Time We Did Something, Namely Resign Ourselves To Doing Nothing [on Screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For Instance, When Sea Levels Rise, We'll Just Build Levees [on Screen: Worked For New Orleans]

I Not Only Loved Studying Theater, I Loved Being A Theater Major. It Gave Me An Excuse To Brood, To Grow A Beard, To Wear Black 'at' People. I Didn't Just Want To Play Hamlet, I Wanted To Be Hamlet.

If Germans Are Happy It Means Everyone Else Is Miserable.

Ghost Of Bobby: No, No You Can't Eat Me. I'm A Ghost. Stephen Colbert: That Just Means That There's Less Bones To Pick Out.

If It's Called The Usa Today, Why Is All The News From Yesterday?

Why Would We Go To War On Women? They Don't Have Any Oil.

I Love The Truth. It's The Facts I'm Not A Fan Of.

As A Rule, Germans Shouldn't Do Comedy. Their Last Box Office Comedy Was Nosferatu.

Now You'll Have To Wait For Hours In Line For Medical Care Instead Of Immediately Not Getting Any.

Make No Mistake - They're Coming For Our Guns. And We Freedom-loving Gun Lovers Are Totally Defenseless! Other Than, You Know, The Guns.

We Are The Shadow Cast By Real People. And That Shadow Changes Shape As The News Cycle Changes Shape, So You Always Have Fresh Dirt To Dig In.

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream... For The Truth.

Charles Darwin Got Totally Hammered, Woke Up Next To A Monkey And Decided He Had To Come Up With A Theory To Make It All Okay.

Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything. It's Certainty.

Thinking That Other People Might Be Better Than You Is What Makes You Canadian, Not American.

Internet Users, That Blue Screen Of Death You Were Looking At This Morning? That's The Sky. If You're Still Confused, Look It Up On Wikipedia Tomorrow.

It Would Be A Very Short Pint. It Would Be Gummy Bears And Matzah, And Be Called Chewy Jewy.

You Can Change The World. Please Don't Do That, Ok? Some Of Us Like The Way Things Are Going Now.

Everything In Nature Has Found A Niche, A Perfect Harmony Of Balance. Man Need To Find His Niche, His Perfect Balance, Where He Fits In The Natural Cycle

There Was Sort Of A Negative Association With The Military. Maybe Growing Up In The South Or Being In A Family With Members Of The Military, I Didn't Have That Negative Connotation, But I Did Have This 'separate' Connotation. I Was Ashamed To Realize I Had It And Did Not Realize I Had It Until I Was [in Iraq]. I Was So Impressed By The People I Met Over There And There Was Just A Sense Of Connection And Gratitude Towards Those People.

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin. If That Ever Happens, It's Only Because Something Happened During The Interview That Got Me Going, And Then I Had To Translate My Feelings To The Mouth Of The Character.

If I Had One Wish, It Would Be For Self-drying Pants. Wait -- No! Unlimited Wishes! How Do I Return These Stupid Pants?!

The Shamrock Is A Religious Symbol. St. Patrick Said The Leaves Represented The Trinity: The Father, The Son And The Holy Spirit. That's Why Four Leaf Clovers Are So Lucky, You Get A Bonus Jesus.

Pissing Off Peta Is As Easy As Pie. Delicious Kitten Pie.

So My Heart Goes Out To Them. Figuratively. I Would Never Actually Entrust My Heart To Scientists—they'd Probably Implant It In A Baboon. And A Baboon With My Heart Would Be Practically Unstoppable. Baboon Strength And Agility Combined With My Determination And Media Savvy? It Would Be A Threat To All Of Humanity.

I'm Not A Standup. I Didn't Start Off As A Writer, I Learned To Write Through Improvisation, And So That's The Part Of The Show That Can Most Surprise Me. The Written Part Of The Show, I Know I Can Get Wrong. You Can't Really Get The Interview "wrong."

We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.

You Can Make An Omelette Without Breaking Eggs. It's Just A Really Bad Omelette.

My Mom Kind Of Led Me Toward Acting. She Wanted To Be An Actress When She Was Younger. That Made Me Interested In It When I Was A Kid, Because She And I Are Very Close.

Now, I Don't See Color. People Tell Me I'm White And I Believe Them Because Police Officers Call Me 'sir'.

The Greatest Threat Facing American Today - Next To Voter Fraud, The Western Pinebark Beetle, And The Memory Foam Mattress - Is The National News Media.

Donald Trump, Yes, He's Somebody's Little Boy. But He Is His Ideas Because His Ideas Are What's Going To Affect Us. As A Man, He Can Do Very Little. But His Ideas Could Kill Us All.

You've Gotta Understand What Putin's Strategy Is. He Really Doesn't Like Democracy. He Thinks It's An Inconvenient, Messy Process. And He Doesn't Like Us, And He Wants To Destabilize Our Country; Sow Doubt About Our Democracy.

Take The Platypus - That Is Not A Finished Product. It Is Clearly Still In Beta.

I Cannot Stand People Who Disagree With Me On The Issue Of Roe V. Wade... Which I Believe Is About The Proper Way To Cross A Lake.

It's Time For Me To Give Out An Award To Newly Elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner Was Elected Just A Few Days Ago To Reform House Republicans, Who Are Feeling The Heat From Lobbyist Scandals. Well, Cnn Found Out That He Rents His Two-bedroom Apartment From A Lobbyist Who Had Clients Who Had Interests In Legislation That Boehner Sponsored. And For That, Mr. Boehner, You've Just Won A Pair Of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls.

It's Like Boxing A Glacier. Enjoy That Metaphor, By The Way, Because Your Grandchildren Will Have No Idea What A Glacier Is.

The Fate Of Our Country Is Now In The Hands Of People Who Don't Think About What They Want Until They Get Right Up To The Register At Mcdonald's.

(rush Are) Like The Jd Salinger Of Canadian Prog Rock

You Seem Cynical Because You're Always Talking About That Selfish Behavior That's Dressed Up As Altruism. It Doesn't Mean There Isn't Altruism. It Just Means That It's Harder To Make Jokes About Altruism.

I Won't Be Doing The New Show In Character, So We'll All Get To Find Out How Much Of Him Was Me. I'm Looking Forward To It.

Looking Forward

We All Know Why [the Generals] Are So Critical Of The Defense Secretary. They're Being Defensive Because They Weren't Able To Implement His Brilliant Plan [on Screen: Operation 'greet Us As Liberators']. It Was So Simple: Go In With 100,000 Troops, Topple The Regime, Everybody Loves Us, And We Leave By Easter 2003. These Ex-military Men Have Their Right To Their Opinions, That's Fine. They Just Shouldn't Voice Them During A War [on Screen: 'loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']

On This Show, Your Voice Will Be Heard In The Form Of My Voice.

There's Nothing American Tourists Like More Than The Things They Can Get At Home.

If You Like Battlestar Galactica...you're Probably A Huge Nerd.

And That Brings Us To Tonight's Word: Truthiness. Now I'm Sure Some Of The Word-police, The 'wordanistas' Over At Websters, Are Gonna Say, 'hey, That's Not A Word!' Well, Anybody Who Knows Me Knows That I Am No Fan Of Dictionaries Or Reference Books. They're Elitist. Constantly Telling Us What Is Or Isn't True, What Did Or Didn't Happen.

When I Read Books It's To Escape. It's So I Don't Have To Talk To People.

That’s Why Our Tvs Are Brimming With So Much Hot Man-on-pan Action. You Can’t Channel Surf For Long Without Seeing Turkey Getting Stuffed Over And Over Until They Finally Cut To The Gravy Shot.

In 1986, Our Commencement Speaker Was George Schultz, Secretary Of State, Fourth In Line To The President. You Get Me-basic Cable's Second Most Popular Fake Newsman. At This Rate, The Class Of 2021 Will Be Addressed By A Zoo Parrot In A Mortar-board That Has Been Trained To Say "congratulations.

Congratulations

First, [in High School], I Smoked A Lot Of Pot...and That's How I Got To Know The People 'half In' The Society Of My High School And We Waved At Each Other Over The Bong. Then I Got To Know People By Making Jokes.

Truthiness Is Tearing Apart Our Country, And I Don't Mean The Argument Over Who Came Up With The Word. I Don't Know Whether It's A New Thing, But It's Certainly A Current Thing, In That It Doesn't Seem To Matter What Facts Are. It Used To Be, Everyone Was Entitled To Their Own Opinion, But Not Their Own Facts. But That's Not The Case Anymore. Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything.

The Trouble With The Jokes Is That Once They're Written, I Know How They're Supposed To Work, And All I Can Do Is Not Hit Them. I'm More Comfortable Improvising. If I Have Just Two Or Three Ideas And I Know How The Character Feels, What The Character Wants, Everything In Between Is Like Trapeze Work.

I've Been Accused Of Being Unambitious, But What I Do Takes Up Every Minute. I'm Executive Producer, I'm A Writer And The Host.

Yeah, Silver And His Math Are Jokes, Because Math Has A Liberal Bias. After All, Math Is The Reason Mitt Romney's Tax Plan Doesn't Add Up.

If You Use Big Words, No One Will Know You Aren't Doing Jack Squat.

I'm More American Than Apple Pie. I'm Like Apple Pie, With A Hot Dog In It.

I Don't Trust Books. They're All Fact, No Heart. And That's Exactly What's Pulling Our Country Apart Today. Because Face It, Folks, We Are A Divided Nation. Not Between Democrats Or Republicans, Or Conservatives And Liberals, Or Tops And Bottoms. No, We Are Divided By Those Who Think With Their Head, And Those Who Know With Their Heart.

Join Me In Standing Up Against Any Actual Knowledge About Guns. Let The Cdc Know They Can Take Away Our Ignorance When The Pry It From Our Cold Dead Minds.

America Cannot Afford A Rally To Restore Sanity In The Middle Of A Recession. Did You Even Consider How Many Panic-related Jobs That Might Cost Us In The Fear-industrial Complex?

Corporations Have Free Speech, But They Can't Speak Like You And Me. They Don't Have Mouths Or Hands.

I'm Getting Angry At Liberals.

Take It From Me, There's Nothing Like A Job Well Done, Except The Quiet Enveloping Darkness At The Bottom Of A Bottle Of Jim Beam After A Job Done Any Way At All.

If Someone Spreads Hate Then They're Not Your Religious Leader.

Odyssey Dawn? That's Not A Military Operation. That's A Carnival Cruise Ship.

I May Be Just An Empty Flesh Terminal Reliant On Technology For All My Ideas, Memories And Relationships, But I Am Confident That All Of That Everything That Makes Me A Unique Human Being Is Still Out There Somewhere, Safe In A Theoretical Storage Space Owned By Giant, Multinational Corporations.

If God Wanted Us To Accept Gays, He'd Have Made Us Compassionate

They Think I'm Silly. I Do Silly Things. I Fall Down And Run Into Things. I Talk To Inanimate Objects. I'll Hold A Pickup Stick To My Ear And Say, "what? What's That? I Can't Hear You

I Could Sit Toe To Toe At A Potato Table With Anybody.

New Study Reveals Men Like To Cuddle. Another Study Reveals Men Will Say Anything To Get Into Bed With A Woman.

I Thought Black Friday Was When Everyone Puts On Blackface And Steals Children From Wal-mart.

If Someone Does Offer You A Job, Say 'yes.' You Can Always Quit Later. Then At Least You'll Be One Of The Unemployed As Opposed To One Of The Never-employed. Nothing Looks Worse On A Resume Than Nothing.

The Cost Of Living Keeps Going Up, Although Death Is Surprisingly Affordable.

I'm An Actor. I Hate To Blow Everyone's Illusions.

There's A Buzz To Failing And Not Dying.

I Don't Accept The Status Quo. I Do Accept Visa, Mastercard, Or American Express.

They Said You Can't Go To The Moon. They Said You Can't Put Cheese Inside A Pizza Crust, But Nasa Did It. They Had To, Because The Cheese Kept Floating Off In Space.

If You're Injecting Fear Into Other People, Then You're Trying To Kill Their Minds. You're Trying To Get Them To Stop Thinking.

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin.

I Deliver My Truth Hot And Hard.

Trending Author

Bruce Feirstein

Category